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The rain fell harder than usual that day, the lightning flashing through the dark clouds, illuminating the sky for brief seconds at a time. But it went unnoticed as the words seemed to sink in more, like the water sunk into his clothes. His hair dripping wet as his eyes burned with tears, tears he didn't notice were flowing. Years the rain covered, but they couldn't cover the redness of his eyes that was visible with each flash in the sky.
"Oh."
His mouth felt dry as the word left his lips, barely even a whisper as he stared straight ahead where his, now ex, boyfriend stood. At least, he thinks he's an ex. Did they just break up? His head felt fuzzy, his stomach having dropped, making him feel nauseous, his chest tightening. It was painful, the throbbing in his chest.
What had they even broken up over again? The conversation playing on repeat in his head, something that only took a minute or so, and yet it felt like it had been hours. Hours since they just had the conversation, hours that the conversation played in his head. A misunderstanding, he thought. But no. Sebastian has really said those words.
"You're late.. again." Sebastian sighed, standing with his back to Matsu as he took a drag from his cigarette. Standing under his umbrella. He didn't bother turning to look to the Farmer boy, his boyfriend of 2 years.
"I'm sorry, the storm last night caused a tree to fall onto my silo. I had to do a repair so it wouldn't ruin the hay, and it took longer than I thought.. but--" his words were cut off.
"Save it." Sebastian took another hit off his cigarette, his voice sounding colder than normal. "Let's just cancel today, I'm too tired anyways, and I have a coding deadline to finish by tomorrow."
"Oh, um.. okay. But first, I got you something." Matsu smiled a bit, moving his hand into his pocket. Fingers brushing over the cold item.
A sigh made him stop, looking at Sebastian with a confused expression on his face. Had he done something else to annoy his lover? He knew he had been stressed out lately, so he stayed up really late in the mines to find one of the fabled Frozen Tears to give him.
He had even gotten hurt in the process, having to stop at Harvey's in the morning to get it checked out before he could go fix the silo due to the pain. His arm was bandaged now, but his sleeves covered it up. Same with his chest, the hoodie covering him up, but the water was beginning to sweep through his hoodie a bit due to how hard it started to rain.
"Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all.."
"Yeah.." Matsu looked up at the sky. "This thunderstorm is dangerous, could bring about bad waves."
"That's not.. I mean."
"Hmm?" Matsu tilted his head a bit, becoming worried. Admittedly, he felt Sebastian had started to pull away recently. He though maybe space was what he needed, so he tried not to pester him too much. Just dropping in to say hi each morning and then going about his day in the hopes Sebastian would confide in him soon.
"I mean us."
"... What about us?" He could hear his voice crack a bit, his stomach starting to drop.
"I've been thinking for a while now, but.. I'm not so sure we click like we used to. Maybe Abigail was the one for me after all."
"Oh..." Was all he could think to say, blinking a few times as he felt his vision blurring. Was it from the rain? It had to be, right? Though he could feel the warm sensation go down his cheeks compared to the cold water that had been pelting his face.
"I'm sorry, it's just.. I've been spending more time with her lately, since you haven't been around much, and it reminded me of why I like her so much."
"..." He could say, swallowing the lump in his throat. He felt that if he said anything, it would come out wrong. Or his voice might fail him. His hand released the item in his pocket, guess that was all for nothing.
"Does.. does this mean.." The farmer licked his lips, looking down for a moment as he bit the inside of his cheek.
"Yeah. I'm sorry."
Coming back to the present, he watched as Sebastian began to walk off. Having left his half smoked cigarette on the dock. The rain putting it out shortly after, and Matsu felt he could relate.
Sebastian just snuffed the light out of him. Now that he was out of view, he slowly crumbled down, burying his face into his knees as the tears began to fall faster. His choked sobs falling on to deaf ears in the heavy rain.
Had Sebastian ever truly loved him? Or was it all to get over Abigail? He didn't even use past tense when he mentioned how he liked her. He still did, didn't he?
It wasn't until late at night that Matsu found it in himself to get up and leave the dock, having no more years left to fall. Stuffing his hands into his pockets, he felt the Frozen Tear. Taking it out of his pocket, he rubbed it lightly before clenching it tightly in his hand.
With a strong resolve, he turned back to face the ocean and threw it. But, he was too far away, watching as it bounced on the dock a few times before it rolled to a stop.
He stared at it, as though willing it to roll just a little farther, to fall into the ocean and be swept away by the waves. How he longed for it to become his feelings, so that his feelings could drift away as well.
But it didn't move. It didn't budge. And he didn't have it in himself to go push it into the ocean himself. So he turned and walked away, deciding to leave it there. Leave everything there.
The hurt, the love, the pain. He couldn't bare it anymore, as he sauntered back to the shabby river farm.
By the next morning, he was gone. Got on the first bus that morning out of Pelican Town, back to where he came from. He'd go back to living in a shabby apartment, in a shabby city, with a stupid corporate job, wasting his life away like he did before. Pretending those 2 years with Sebastian, and 3 years in that town, never happened.
What else could he do? Everything has reminders of his time with Sebastian, from the farm, to the saloon, the beach, and even the mines.
He was sure nobody would care much, but in case they did, he left notes. A note to everyone in town except Sebastian. What was the point in that? He had too much to say, yet no way to word it like he wanted. So he left the page blank, with only two words on it.
"I'm sorry."
It wasn't explicitly addressed to him, but with everyone else getting a note, he wondered if they would understand who that was for. Maybe they already knew, the moment they read the letters, or maybe the blue shell necklace would give away who it was meant for.. Maybe Sebastian would come chase after him, to apologize. To beg for his forgiveness.. or maybe, nobody would even notice he was gone.
After all, he was only there for a few years, while everyone else had been there for almost their whole lives. His time there was nothing compared to them. The farm would fall to shambled once more, and the younger kids could run through the fields again. Abigail can go explore the over grown fields in the spring like she said she used to love doing; perhaps she could bring Sebastian this time.
God, how it stung...
But the pain eventually began to dull, as days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months turned to years. 5 years, to be exact. He was 30 now, and although he was better now, he still often wondered how everyone in town was doing.
To his surprise, he found a way to deal with the pain. With music. He used to make music with Sam, Abigail, and Sebastian. Making music by himself was a little novel, but he did it anyways. Not like he ever intended for anyone to listen to his music.
He never even meant for anyone to hear it, but it was heard. While he played on the streets, a familiar face had appeared in front of him. It was Haley. She loves the song he sang, and when they spoke for a while while she waited on Alex to meet her, he had ended up getting a wedding invitation to their wedding. She wanted him to perform for them, if he was comfortable coming back to Pelican Town.
He couldn't say no to her. They were pretty close, even painting each others nails and picking out outfits for dates, back before things turned sour and left a bad taste in his mouth. The thought of going back hurt, but he had learned a way to cope.
Drugs. It wasn't hardcore stuff, just marijuana. He stayed high on a regular basis, it's what helped dull the pain. And he learned that's probably why Shane drank so much, when he first started smoking. He even picked up cigarettes, that nicotine giving him the kick he needed inbetween smoke sessions.
When the day of the wedding came, he performed just as she asked him to and then dipped. He didn't go far, just to the saloon. His guitar on his back, ordering a beer as he sat at the counter. Wishing he had brought more than one joint, but he only intended to stay for one day. He's be leaving by the early morning over more.
"You were amazing, your voice has really improved." A familiar voice sounded. Sam.
He was the one who recruited him in the first place; the one who introduced him to Sebastian.
"Thanks.. I have quite the amount of free time on my hands this time of year." He responded, faking a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Barely reached his cheeks really, in fact, one could barely tell he smiled at all. But he did his best.
"Can you perform another? I felt inspired to write a song when I heard you, so I'm curious if you have any other songs you can sing."
"Oh, um.. I don't know about that."
"Please?" A voice came as someone grabbed his arm. It was Abigail, as beautiful as ever as she smiled at him. No wonder Sebastian loved her.
"Well.." With a quick glance around the saloon, he saw everyone was starting to fill in, even Haley and Alex had come in and we're dancing to the music.
"Just one song."
"Yay!" She cheered before going to announce to everyone that Matsu would be performing another song. No sign of Sebastian, yet. Good.
Standing, Matsu went over to the other end of the saloon, where the pool table was. He leaned against it, watching as everyone shuffled to a seat or stayed standing at the bar. Looking his way to listen.
He suddenly wasn't sure what to sing, maybe the song he played at the wedding? His fingers strumming a couple random chords as he pondered when he heard the bell ring. And there he was.
He barely looked like he changed, just looked older. Still wearing all black, even in the summer, as he headed to where Sam and Abigail were. He didn't seem to notice the old Farmer boy was back.
Before he knew it, Matsus fingers began to strum a melody. One he had played many times before, on the nights he'd get wasted to forget the memories, only to be stuck with them again come morning.
"I think of you all the time.. now that you're gone.
I've been doing all kinds of drugs, to get you out of my mind."
With the careful strumming of his fingers, the calmness of his voice as he sang, the saloon fell silent. Perhaps when he was told to sing, nobody expected it to be such a sad song, but he had started playing without even realizing. His eyes glued to the hard wood floor beneath his feet as his fingers played on their own. Unaware of the dark eyes that stared at him.
"Cuz I noticed you don't like me no more... and it breaks my heart.
So I'll just drift away..and disappear for a while."
His fingers played the guitar, a sad melody for a moment longer before he slowly stopped. His vision was blurry again. Like that day before. The song was less than 2 minutes, and yet it felt like he had sung for an hour.
His throat was dry again, a lump stuck there as he couldn't bring himself to look up at the small crowd of people. It was silent. He almost wished someone would drop a coin or something. A sniffle sound. Was someone crying?
It took him longer to realize that he was the one crying. Being back in this town was too painful, more painful than he had thought it would be. Why had he even come back? Was it even worth it?
"Matsu.." A voice said. One he wished he didn't hear. Sebastian.
No. He couldn't do this again. That tone of voice. The guitar slipped from his fingers, hitting the floor as he ran out of the saloon. No destination in mind, just letting his feet lead him. Praying to go to the bus station, yet he knew the direction his feet lead him was to the beach.
And just like before, the rain began to fall. Slowly drenching his clothes as he ran to the docks, his feet only stopping when he reached the edge. Was a cruel joke the gods had towards him, must have been another unlucky day for him. What had he ever done to upset the spirits?
Footsteps behind him slowly came to stop a few feet away, but he didn't have to turn to see who it was. His face looking towards the sky as he felt that familiar warm sensation down his cheeks, battling with the cold drops.
"I'm sorry."
"... Don't." His voice was barely a whisper, cracking as the lump in his throat grew bigger.
"..."
Only the sound of rain could be heard, the thunder in the distance before footsteps broke that silence. The rain seeming to have stopped, but it was a just the umbrella that blocked it. That familiar red umbrella. Room for 2, even.
Taking all the courage he had, Matsu looked to Sebastian. His eyes trailing to the shell necklace he wore around his neck, how proper fitting. He must have gotten with Abigail, they must be happily married together.
"... This." His hand was held out, opening it to reveal a Frozen Tear. A crack through it though, a small chip at the pointed end as well. "You brought it here for me.. before, right?"
"What's it matter now, that was 5 years ago."
"Yeah, I suppose it was.. but I.." he choked on his words. How was he supposed to explain that after all this time, he only ever thought of Matsu.
His words had been cruel, fueled by his stupid rage and insomnia. Which was no excuse, but it was true. He had gone back to the beach the next morning. Wanting to clear his head and rethink what he had said the day before.
He was jealous, having seen Matsu with Harvey that morning when he was supposed to be meeting him. Why? But he had found out too late, that Matsu had gotten hurt to find that Frozen Tear.
The one he found there, next to the discarded cigarette. Almost like it resembled their feelings for each other. An attempt to discard them, only for them to remain the following morning. Still in tack, just damaged and soaked from the rain. Never to be the same as it was before.
He had never run so fast in his life, in a poor attempt to get to the farm. But when he got there, all he found were letters. Letters to everyone, except for him. Of course. He didn't deserve one, or so he thought. Till he read the two words on the note on the counter. The shell necklace on top.
It was only then that he understood exactly what he lost, in his stupid, jealousy, rage filled mind. His lack of sleep and cruel words caused a rift. Caused his love to leave. They weren't coming back, were they?
"It's nothing.."
"It's not nothing, and this isn't either.." Sebastian's hand went to his collar bone. Where that necklace say. The blue shell not looking as shiny as it used to when it was first bought, only then could Matsu see how old it was.
"I waited for you.."
"... Why now? Because I visited?"
"No.. not because you visited, Matsu. In truth.. I.." he tried to think of the words to say, but they felt so heavy. How could he voice the truth? His regrets. The pain he felt. What could he do to make this right? Could he ever? He could only say what came to mind, the truth.
"I think of you all the time.."