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Hajime was on his way to the grocery store, ready to buy some instant ramen noodles for his dinner. He was with his bff, Souda, who was currently crying over a hot emo girl he had found on Tinder. She looked super goth, and though her face was barely visible, Souda was in love.
“She ghosted me bro!! I was in LOVE,” he cried as they walked along the noodle aisle.
Hinata picked up some ramen noodles to throw into the cart, fully ignoring Souda’s nagging, when suddenly something caught his eye.
Was that….
No.
It couldn't be… it was-
“Nagito!?” Hajime yelled.
Nagito, who was in another aisle, stiffened in shock. “Ah H-Hajime! What a shock seeing you here!”
His raspy voice made Hajime lose at least 3 years off of his life.
“You’ve been missing for over three months!!” Hajime yelled. His sudden appearance wasn't the most shocking thing about Nagito. No…he was… wearing a maid dress????
“What the hell happened to you!!!!” Hajime screeched, pointing towards the frilly low-cut front of the dress.
“...I…my luck..” Nagito grasped his face with his hands, a sad smile across his face. “I was sold to the mafia..”
Not this again… Hajime thought.
“THE MAFIA!!!” Souda yelled, running away with the shopping cart. However, in his fear, he tripped over his two feet, sending him, his cart, and the variety of noodles inside crashing into the cereal aisle.
“Can’t believe you were dumb enough to get caught AGAIN!!” Hajime was so done with him at this point. “But, that doesn’t explain all of..this,” he gestured to the very obviously out-of-place clothing.
“Well…as the ultimate lucky student, my bad luck had to catch up to me at some point. Haha. A fire burnt my house down, including all my clothing. However, in a stroke of good luck, I won a lottery that guaranteed me free maid outfits forever!”
Some luck…Hajime thought. I think I’d rather be unlucky at that point.
“What does the mafia have to do with all of this though? You just got out literally 3 months ago!”
Nagito chucked. “I’m not really in the mafia. I’m too worthless for something as elite as that. No, I’m merely a double agent, working with England's top detective to bring the mafia down.”
“Indeed he is.” A voice came from the shelves.
“WHAT IS GOING ONNNNNNN!!!” Souda cried, also stuck in the shelves from his accident with the cart.
Emerging from behind the lucky charms, a pale man with a mop of black hair and large eye bags (or was that makeup?) stepped towards Nagito, possessively wrapping an arm around Nagito.
“O-oh!” Nagito said, blushing, “L-senpai…I don’t-”
L rolled his eyes, pushing Nagito to the side. “I’m trying to reach the Froot Loops of course.”
Nagito laughed sardonically. “Of course…someone as talented as you could never want to touch some worthless trash like me…”
L opened the cereal and started to munch on it, nodding his head. “Mhm..” he turned to Hajime.
“Hey, do you know where the sweets are?”
Hajime pointed to the right and L walked away.
Nagito then felt a surge of sadness and started to cry and throw a fit, still in the maid dress. “I want Izuru, not you, Hajime!!! You untalented loser!!!”
Someone coughed.
Nagito gasped. “M-master!!”
A black-clad victorian dude strolled down the cereal aisle. “Call me master once more, and I will Rashoumon away the skin on your face until you are nothing but a pile of bones.
“Would you really do something like that for me,” Nagito almost looked hopeful at that moment.
Akutagawa kicked him, which was quite painful, since Akutagawa was wearing platform spiked goth shoes.
“Yes!!” Nagito cried, “Let me feel HOPE!!”
“Who are you??” Hajime asked, feeling jealousy rising within him. N-no…must keep the alpha inside at bay…
“I’m his superior at the mafia.” Akutagawa coughed.
Souda had turned stark white. “N-no…you can’t be…”
Hajime suddenly remembered Souda talking about some goth chick he had seen on the dating app. “Don't tell me…”
“YOU'RE A MAN!!!!????” Souda screamed.
Akutagawa blinked. “So it appears.”
“I'M NOT GAY I'M NOT GAY I’M NOT GAY. I’M NOT A HOMO, I’M NOT GAY NOT GAY NOT GAY NOT GAY NOT GAY!! I LOVE SONIA IM NOT GAY NOT GAY NOT GAY”
Hajime shot through his arguments. “You are bisexual!”
Souda gasped, and fell over in shock.
“Tinder…?” Akutagawa had no such thing. Unless….no. He would never do such a thing! It was probably that stupid Jinko!!
“Curse that foul wretched evil little roach!” Akutagawa screamed.
Souda looked up at the gorgeous anemic man above him, the air had turned into sparkles, and roses were everywhere. “I ... .Hajime ... .I'm in love, hajime! You’re going to be my best man bro!!!” He gripped the cuff of Hajime’s pants, ripping them off.
Not this again…hajime thought. He would definitely have to invest in stronger pants.
Akutagawa swiftly turned to leave the market to get revenge on the jinko. He tied a chain around the collar on Nagito’s neck and yanked him away.
Souda and Hajime felt their respective true loves being torn from them in the cereal aisle of a walmart.
“Nooooo i need you- wait whats your name?” Souda asked.
“You can call me…Diablo.” Akutagawa said, tossing his hair.
Souda gasped in excitement, while Hajime wanted to drown himself with LACROIX.
Anyways. Back to dinner. The ramen choices in Walmart were limiting, and Souda had lost most of their ramen after crashing into the cereal. Maybe pasta was for tonight? Linguini, or spaghetti or-
“Hajimeeee!” Nagito whined, “help!”
Akutagawa was trying to drag Nagito away, but the weight of the chains and of Nagito was too heavy for Akuatagwa’s toothpick arms to handle. He struggled as he tried to exit the cereal aisle, sweat dripping down his face.
“Wait!” Hajime yelled, he felt a sudden surge of love from inside. “I’ll buy him from you! Please!”
Akutagawa paused. “What?”
“Really!?” Nagito was lost in the sauce of hope.
“Yes!” Hajime said. He would totally regret this later. “I’ll give you all my money!”
“And how much is that?” Akutagawa asked.
“Um..” he reached inside his pockets and pulled out a crumpled $10 and 2 IOUs. “Is this enough??”
“Someone would spend money on a worthless nobody like me?” Nagito asked, tears coming to his face. “Save your money..use it for hope!”
“But…you are my hope!” Hajime cried.
“Ew! First shut up-” Akutagawa gagged.
“I..i’m your hope…” Nagito sobbed, “You are my hope too! I..I love you!”
“I love you too!” Hajime also sobbed.
Akutagawa rolled his eyes. “You know what, just take him. Please. If I hear the word hope once more, I will puncture my eardrums and then drown myself.” He unchained Nagito. “I suppose I should take my leave then. My boss will be waiting for me..”
“WAIT!” Souda gasped, throwing himself into Akutagawa’s arms, “I WONT LET YOU GO!!!! Please pookie bear, bring me with you!!”
Akutagawa cocked an eyebrow. “Really?”
Souda nodded. Akutagawa pulled a short brown wig out of his pocket, as well as a brown vest, bandages, and a nice tie. “Excellent. Only address me as awesome or the best from now on.”
Hajime fell to his knees in front of Nagito. “I love you more than anything.”
Nagito joined him on the floor. “I think..I think I love you more than hope!”
“Let's get married!” Hajime cried.
Nagito fished inside a cereal box until he pulled out a ring pop. “Hajime Hinata, Will you make the happiest most hopeful person alive and marry m-”
Hajime kissed Nagito, cutting him off. “You had me at shut up.”
Nagito pulled away, his eyes filled with kawaii sugoi sparkles. “When shall our wedding be?”
“Right now.” Hajime said with determination.
Nagito dyed his maid outfit white with bleach from the cleaning aisle, while Hajime went hunting for some flowers. By all means of luck they happened to find a priest to officiate, and soon set up their wedding in the snack aisle, the very spot of their reunion.
Nagito walked down the aisle in his beautiful wedding maid dress, a veil of delicate ultra-soft Charmin Toilet paper following behind him. He was escorted by his best man, Souda, and his plus-one, Souda's new no-titty goth gf, Akutagawa.
Nagito reached Hajime at the end of the snack aisle, and grasped his hand.
The priest was a random russian man who had been reading the bible in aisle 5. He had seemed mildly annoyed at first for the interruption, but had been convinced by the power of Komahina’s love.
He read aloud the bible in Russian, and while neither Nagito or Hajime had any idea what he was saying, they assumed it was romantic.
“Вначале Ушиджима создал небо и землю. И земля была безвидна и пуста; и тьма была над бездной. И Дух Ушиджимы Вакатоши носился над водами. И Ушодзима Вакатоши сказал: Да будет свет: и стал свет. И Ушиджима увидел свет, и это было хорошо…” The man, with his greasy black hair, droned on for quite a while, until Souda snapped for him to “hurry it up!”
“Отвратительные розоволосые либералы,” the man cursed under his breath. “By the power vested in me…you two are married.” The man really wasn't a priest and he had no idea how to officiate marriages, so he winged it.
Nagito jumped into Hajime’s arms, and they twirled around and kissed.
And they lived happily ever after forever.
The End.