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Leehan is about to ride his bike down the street again.
It's summer and the day is nearly over, the setting sun blooming vivid pinks and a mystifying peach across the broad, endless sky.
It casts Leehan's long hair, and the entirety of him, in this ethereal golden shimmer that’s surreal, and Taesan is transfixed as he leans over his bedroom window, his eyes following after him.
While the night is fast approaching, it's still a bit hot, but Leehan's wearing a white long sleeved shirt over black denim shorts, his bike the colour of the sky on bright, perfect days where everyone's out and about, except Taesan. A little plastic smiley fish dangles at the front of the bicycle, its front basket containing something wrapped up in a paper bag.
Taesan has studied Leehan long enough to know the other boy sometimes visits his grandma, presumably to share meals with her as he stays over sometimes. Leehan also likes riding his blue bike around the neighbourhood, the evening wind coasting through his hair with the dazzling fireflies as company.
It's hard not to stare at Leehan. Taesan is aware of how weird it might sound, but he's never met anyone as interesting as the other boy. And staying inside almost all day everyday as a way to regulate his body temperature drenches him in a mind-numbing boredom that he vehemently seeks an escape from.
It just so happens to take the form of a quiet boy with long hair, a bike and the most disarming of smiles.
Leehan is smiling again. Small, gentle, with the faintest hint of dimples. It's still warm, and goosebumps that have nothing to do with the evening breeze decorate Taesan's arms at the sight.
Taesan has never talked to Leehan since he'd moved back home with his dad after the diagnosis, the nostalgia of his childhood stifling and bittersweet with memories about a Taesan that is no more.
Taesan remembers the first time they met. It was the end of May, when everything snowballed after years of little things going wrong, until Taesan's body finally decided one morning that it didn't want to work correctly anymore.
Dad's car had been hot, stuffy, and Taesan and the man had gotten into some argument on the way home. 'Why didn't you say something?' and 'It's hard to talk about anything when doctors always brushed off my symptoms' had been the crux of the matter, and his father had stepped out to clear the trunk of his things when the door to the house in front opened all of a sudden.
Two boys Taesan had never seen before appeared. The dark haired giggly one held a football in hand, ranting about how Leehan was 'so gonna lose this match', a wide dimpled grin stretching across his face.
Leehan had just nudged him with a matching dimpled smile of his own, and Taesan had been too caught up with the fact that the grumpy elderly couple he was used to no longer lived across from his childhood home, and the way Leehan's hair gently fluttered over his rosy cheeks, that his heart nearly gave out when their eyes met from the car window.
When Leehan seemed to smile at him this time around, gaze narrowed but warm, Taesan's heart sped up so quickly he thought he was going to faint again.
So he'd ducked, and rolled up the window in haste – only to realize the two boys could probably still see him. The dark haired one's confusion only added that theory.
The embarrassment had been so poignant that Taesan had refused to open the door when it rang later that night, citing his fatigue as an excuse. Fortunately his father had believed him. Unfortunately, Leehan had delivered some cookies, and thus, Taesan never got the chance to speak to him.
Taesan also hasn't spoken to any of his college friends since summer began, as he didn't want pity and didn’t want to dwell on the harsh reality that he was embarking on a completely different path. But, as he watches Leehan settle on his bike, a part of him wonders if he'll ever muster the courage to befriend him.
Leehan looks up.
Shit. Taesan stumbles back, legs knocking against the dresser. Ow. He's already gotten some electrolytes in his system but his head is still woozy and he knows his legs are going to hurt like a bitch later.
Taesan wonders if it'd be perfectly fine to just shut the curtains and call it a night, and then change his name and fly to some remote island tomorrow since he just keeps making a fool of himself in front of Leehan. But if there's one thing Taesan is good at, it's being far too curious for his own good.
He ambles slowly to the window with bated breath, hoping Leehan somehow didn't see him and had already left.
Taesan's stomach flips when Leehan's eyes meet his again.
A smile tugs at Leehan's lips, kind of smug, and he even waves, before saying something Taesan can't hear.
Leehan also realizes this, and so he speaks up, and Taesan really hears his voice for the first time.
"I'll be back." His voice is low, rich, and his eyes twinkle like stars. Taesan's palms are suddenly too clammy.
"What?" Taesan blinks, still unable to believe this is really happening.
"Give me like, twenty minutes!" Leehan yells back, and he sounds a little excited, too.
Before Taesan can question anything, Leehan pedals away, the streetlamps illuminating his frame.
What just happened? Taesan isn't sure, but he spends the first five minutes pacing about. But then his legs get all heavy and begin to ache, so he settles on his bed and doom scrolls through social media.
It's always difficult to not sift through his friends' accounts, even though Taesan knows it's bad for him. He always gives in, the lump in his throat overbearing as he scrolls past videos about the beach parties Sungho has gone to recently, or pictures of the museums in Paris since Riwoo loved traveling with his family whenever he gets the chance.
Taesan can't relate. He's turning twenty in a few weeks, and he's supposed to live life with no regrets, but he's stuck at home, rotting away all summer.
Leehan still hasn't returned. Taesan knows this because the doorbell that always chimes after Leehan comes back from wherever he goes is very distinctive. And, while Leehan goes out a lot, he's always home before long, the window to his bedroom lit up late into the night.
No, Taesan isn't weird for always noticing.
The doorbell buzzes, and Taesan jolts upright, vision spotty. He blinks and his phone screen reads 10:15 pm.
There's faint chatter coming from the house, happy ones. Leehan seems to get along well with everybody, his brother and parents included. Taesan envies that a little. His relationship with his dad has improved, but he accepted it'll never go back to the way it was before his mom died.
Taesan doesn't realize he stopped breathing until he notices the light to Leehan's room is switched on. Like they're in a cliche high school romance film, their rooms face each other, and Taesan has seen Leehan poring over books a ton especially after midnight. When Taesan can't sleep, Leehan's presence makes him feel a little less lonely.
Something pounces past Taesan's open window after another ten minutes. It's a scrunched up piece of paper.
Taesan stands, startled, then makes his way to the window.
Leehan is right behind his, white sweater switched out for purple pyjamas that look a little too good on him. His hair's a little damp and he smiles, eyes bright behind round glasses. Taesan's heart misses a beat. He's pretty. Really pretty.
'Hi :) Sorry I was late,' is what's scribbled across the large notepad Leehan holds up at that moment. His handwriting is neat, with little loops Taesan finds endearing. 'My grandma wanted us to watch a movie.'
That's sweet, is what Taesan wants to reply back with, but he's currently a nervous wreck on the inside.
Leehan is actually talking to him.
Leehan combs his fingers through his hair, before motioning for Taesan to write something too.
"Oh – right." Taesan rummages through his drawers and grabs his old sketchbook and the first marker he sees. His hands are so clammy, but he's wanted to have a conversation with Leehan for a long time now.
'Hey. And it's totally OK. Don't worry about it,' Taesan scribbles after sitting in front of his window. He's a little embarrassed by how messy his writing is compared to Leehan's.
'You're Taesan, right?' Leehan asks.
Taesan chews his lip, and can't look at Leehan while he writes because the guy's stare is quite intense and it makes his face burn. 'Yeah. And you're Leehan'.
'The one and only'. Leehan grins, and Taesan can't help but grin back.
'Do you want to hang out tomorrow?' Leehan writes out.
Taesan swallows thickly. The only times he'd left the house were to take walks that were few and far in between, and to see his neurologist with his father.
But, Taesan wants to get to know Leehan. He's spent far too many nights envisioning the two of them together side by side as they played video games or something, or even football – even though Taesan can't do that anymore. He's thought about him and Leehan on the same bed, shoulders brushing while they talk about whatever. And how Leehan's hair would feel if he reached over and just ran his fingers through it.
Taesan wills the thought away and jots down his response.
'OK. I'm down'
Leehan's smile is blinding, and Taesan cracks up at the million smiley faces he doodles across the page. He writes incredibly, but his drawings leave much to be desired.
'Goodnight, Taesan :),' Leehan writes.
Taesan's heart is full. 'Goodnight Leehan'.
+
As the sun rises the next day, shimmering against the sky, Taesan stands in front of Leehan's house and presses the doorbell.
Seconds later, the door opens and Leehan's older brother is now face to face with Taesan, gripping a tub of ice cream. His eyes are crinkled and his smile is as bright as the white tank top he's wearing.
"Um, hi." Taesan picks at the sleeve of his shirt, nervous as the guy watches him. The summer heat is also gradually approaching and Taesan had spent too many minutes picking out the right outfit and cologne for it all to go to waste.
"Leehan, your boyfriend's here!" the guy hollers, nothing but pure mischief on his face.
Taesan's face is on fire.
"Jaehyun he's not my boy – " Leehan stops as soon as he sees Taesan, eyes taking him in, and Taesan feels just like he had the first time they noticed each other: exposed and irredeemably shy.
Jaehyun yelps when he gets shoved aside. "Hey!"
"Taesan," Leehan exhales, his palm warm when he pulls Taesan into his house. Just like Taesan had expected, the place is orderly – spacious and neatly arranged unlike Taesan's bedroom – and feels like a home. "Welcome to my humble abode."
"And mine," Jaehyun adds from behind.
Leehan pays him no mind and hands Taesan some house slippers. Taesan puts them on, Leehan's attentive gaze far heavier than the weights he calls his legs.
"Want to see something cool?" Leehan asks after.
"Not your fish, I hope," Jaehyun adds with a smirk.
"Don't mind him. He's bored, and he's always annoying when he’s bored," Leehan tells Taesan, and Taesan is stuck between taking in all the new info and admiring how cuddly Leehan looks in his clothes, his grey t-shirt swallowing him whole. "C'mon."
Taesan follows after him, grateful he no longer has to stand around. Leehan's room is refreshingly cool, all warm tones, and the rather large fish tank to the left catches Taesan's attention. He's suddenly reminded of the plastic one that hangs off Leehan's bike.
"I really like fish," Leehan says once they both sit in front of the tank. Taesan's eyes follow the small fish swimming about, unaware of the outside world, and he finds it calming. Leehan's knee bumps against his, and Taesan blushes at the smile Leehan flashes his way. "Especially these ones right here. They're called Corydoras."
"They're pretty," Taesan adds, and he means it. He's also incredibly aware of how close Leehan currently is to him.
"The cookies," Leehan starts. "Did you like them?"
Taesan blinks. "What?"
"They were kind of a peace offering. Made them with my mom," Leehan continues, contemplative. The sunlight easing through the window makes the brown in his eyes sparkle. "You seemed pretty mad that day I first saw you."
"I wasn't mad at you, I promise," Taesan quickly confirms. "I was just going through some... stuff. And I liked the cookies. Very much."
Leehan nudges his shoulder, gentle with it. Taesan hadn't expected him to be so touchy, but he doesn't mind it at all. "Glad to hear that, Taesan."
He gets up, leaving Taesan to continue observing the tank before appearing again with controllers.
"I uh, kind of always wanted to do this with you," Leehan rubs his neck. "My brother isn't really a big fan of video games. You can say no if you want."
Taesan is thrilled. "I love video games."
Leehan's smile has Taesan's ears heating up for the nth time. He's able to ignore it though once they begin Call of Duty, with Leehan's bed comfortable and spacious enough for the two of them. They remain close, however, and it gets easier and easier to loosen up as the minutes go by.
Leehan is loud and energetic, the complete opposite of what Taesan's first impression of him was, but it allows Taesan to consequently open up and forget about his problems for a while.
+
Taesan doesn't know how it happens, but two hours have passed, with Taesan heading to the bathroom once to take his meds, and he and Leehan are now sprawled over Leehan's bed, both staring at the ceiling.
Taesan's mouth tastes sweet, a result of the gummy worms Leehan offered right after the game. Taesan has a feeling the boy had noticed how increasingly lethargic he became after a while.
"Hey, Tae?" Leehan spins to face him.
Taesan smiles at the nickname. Leehan's hair looks so soft in this light. "Yeah?"
"I know you're thinking hard about something," Leehan tells him. "You can tell me about it if you want."
He says it so simply, like it's so easy. And Taesan has spent too long on his own with his mind as his only company that he considers spilling his secrets instantly.
But Taesan knows that'll be too weird, so he just settles on this. "I get a bit tired sometimes."
He thinks of his high school years. How he liked his hair long until it exhausted him to take care of it, eventually resorting to cutting it short in the end. He'll never get to show up to college classes one day with it dyed a funky colour as a dare from a friend. His life will never return to what it once was.
"Is it an issue?" Leehan's bluntness takes Taesan aback a little, but he ultimately doesn't mind it. It's nice to feel like he's being listened to. Like someone cares.
"It's like – " Taesan chews his lip, wondering how he should word this. Leehan's smile encourages him to go on. "It's a condition. Things went wrong and my autonomic nervous system is out of whack. It... sometimes feels like my body isn't mine anymore."
Taesan then groans, rubbing his face. "God, we just started talking and here I am being weird – "
"Nah," Leehan shakes his head. "I don't think you're being weird. And I'm sorry you're going through that sort of thing."
There isn't any pity in his voice, only compassion, and understanding. Taesan feels less like an oddball.
He takes his time to sit up and watches as Leehan searches his dresser for something. It's a red marker, and Taesan flushes deeply when Leehan holds his wrist, suntanned against pale, and draws a small heart across his finger.
"We don't know each other that well, but you can always talk to me," Leehan says. "We can be more than neighbours."
"Friends?" Taesan adds, hoping he doesn't sound as desperate as he feels.
Leehan grins. Taesan feels like things might be okay. "Yeah. Friends."
+
The sky is a deep purple by the time Taesan steps out of Leehan's house, the stars already present.
"We're texting later," Leehan says, leaning against the door like he doesn't want Taesan to go just yet. The indoor light casts a dreamy halo upon him that Taesan can't look away from.
"Don't listen to Leehan," Jaehyun yells from the kitchen, some slices of bread in hand. They're the only ones around since their parents spend entire days on dates sometimes, Leehan had revealed. "You're gonna get so sick of him."
Taesan highly doubts that.
"Ignore him," Leehan rolls his eyes, and then smiles. "Goodnight, Taesan."
"Goodnight, Leehan." Taesan turns to leave, but then stops, the silliest idea ever popping into his head.
"Wait – " he spins around, quick enough that it's a little disorienting. Leehan notices, hand pressed against his hip to steady him. Taesan is caught between losing his mind at the contact and wanting to vanish into thin air.
Leehan's hand drops, and Taesan wonders what it'd be like to hold it.
"My dad," he blurts out, rubbing his neck. "He um, makes dinner and sometimes it's a little too much for the both of us. Would you, uh, like to come. Over. For dinner."
Taesan's dad was always worried his illness would alienate him, making him susceptible to isolation. He wanted Taesan to live as normally as he could, despite all the setbacks.
And Taesan fears he's being so obvious, too much of a burden. But then Leehan shoves his feet into a pair of sneakers, before letting the door shut behind him.
"Sure!" he beams, and Taesan internally lets out a sigh of relief. "What are we having?"
“I think it’s pasta tonight,” Taesan reveals, over the moon.
Their hands brush on the way to his house, and the tender look Leehan gives him, as well as the soft pink dusting his cheeks, tells Taesan he's well aware of it too.
He gets the courage to entwine their fingers just as they reach the door, and Leehan doesn't pull away.
For the first time in a long while, Taesan doesn't feel like he's drowning. He's never cared about summer, and things are different now, but perhaps what he and Leehan created could become a tangible, lasting thing.