Work Text:
“The Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does.”
Dumbledore's prediction, which became a turning point in Severus Snape's life, began to come true thirteen years later. They were years of hateful work with children.
By the end of his first lesson Severus had lost all the illusions about the teaching profession that he had harbored agreeing to take up a post at Dumbledore's side. The kids, instead of listening to the teacher, had fidgeted, chatted, giggled, tried to hex each other right under his nose, ran love notes through the air and didn’t care a button about both the subtle science of potionmaking, and Professor Snape personally.
He had brought discipline to his lectures quite quickly through Silencio-s, taking off points and detentions. But practical lessons had turned into a hell. No amount of punishment could add brains to these loafers. The safety rules could be repeated up to twenty times, students could be forced to memorize them, then the rules could be were written all over the blackboard—despite all this, in every class there was a mental brother of Longbottom, whose convolutions had a truly magical ability to reject such information. And it was happiness, if only one per class.
The years passed. Students grew up, left Hogwarts, and exactly the same ones came to their places—blond and dark, skinny and chubby, brawlers and quiet ones, boys and girls… Stupid and hopelessly stupid… The younger students continued to play pranks, the older ones continued to make amours. None of them cared about studying. Their nonchalance and belief in a beautiful future made Snape furious. He imagined with cynical vindictive pleasure how these idiots would one day break their rose-tinted glasses, and face rejection, betrayal, losses, and then eventually understand what life really was like.
He hated children. He hated the job he never wanted. After a couple of months as a teacher, Snape had waited for the Dark Lord's return as a deliverance. And he had waited. For the Lord, but not deliverance.
With Harry Potter at school, troubles had increased: Quirrell's head, Riddle's diary, resurrected Pettigrew, fugitive Black… And Potter himself had turned out to be just as arrogant, idle and dumb as everyone else. But if Severus had not expected anything from other students, then Lily's son had managed to disappoint him. The most beautiful and noble of women sacrificed herself for such… such… Potter to the core! It would have been better if she had mourned him a baby, never knowing what kind of mediocrity he would grow, and remained alive.
Snape hated this boy more than the others. And he had to protect him.
This year promised to be more 'fascinating' than all the previous ones. Dumbledore, as part of his ingenious plan to raise a hero out of nobody, had launched a deadly competition at Hogwarts—Severus did not believe for a minute that finding in the Goblet the piece of paper with Potter's name on it was any surprise for the Headmaster. Snape's Dark Mark was steadily turning black, telling him that Voldemort was gaining strength and would soon appear in the flesh. His former companions, in a hurry to demonstrate their loyalty, had organized a mayhem at the Quidditch World Cup, and Snape had had to prove humiliatingly to Dumbledore under the Veritaserum that he hadn’t been there.
And the dunderheads continued their dunderheading. At night they wandered around the castle and deprived themselves of virginity in secluded corners, and during the day they practiced such quirky spells on each other, as if they’d set out to systematically test the protective charms of Hogwarts until they’d found a loophole for a fatal accident.
Severus was walking out of Dumbledore's office, having received another batch of assignments: to look after Potter; to look after Karkaroff; to look after all the numerous guests in this damn castle; not to let Moody overdo with his vigilance. The nut showed the students Unforgivables in the first lesson, and then did not refrain from Imperius-ing children himself. And on top of all, no one took off Snape's teaching duties!
The castle was quiet. It was time for the lesson, free for Severus. Previously, such breaks were his legitimate opportunities to relax, but this year they gave him a chance to somehow fit all his various affairs into 24 hours.
In one of the bright galleries, he saw a student girl whom he recognized from afar. How could he not recognize this sloppy mop of the hair, always crawling into cauldrons and invariably flitting next to Potter? But this time, Granger was alone in the deserted hallway. She was sitting on the wide windowsill, her face buried in a book.
“Miss Granger! What are you doing here?”
She lowered the book and looked up. On her robes there was a badge with an unclear lettering: S.P.E.W. Severus also noticed something strange in her face. Something disturbing… or something that would have disturbed him if his head hadn't been full of a million other worries.
“I'm reading, as you can see,” the student replied coldly with some delay.
“Five points are taken from Gryffindor for bickering. You understand my question, Miss Granger. Why aren't you in class?”
“I've got a free hour. Anticipating your further questions, my classmates are currently in Divination, and I do not attend this subject. The head of my House knows about this, so it's not an absenteeism.”
Actually, Snape had more important things to do than disciplining every Gryffindor he met. But he could find out through Granger what other dumb adventure the future hero was going to get into. So he continued.
“What is this badge?”
The girl became animated and took a deep breath, as if she was going to tell about something exciting. But immediately her shoulders slumped, and that strange expression returned to her face, which Snape could not decipher.
“Nothing that violates the school rules. Sir.”
The formally polite address was added after such an expressive pause that it sounded like a mockery. Granger slammed the book shut, shook her hair and headed away, leaving a confounded Snape behind her.
“Granger! I didn't let you go!” he came to his senses when there was already a good distance between them.
“I'm not in your class now,” she said loudly without slowing down.
Severus was taken aback by such a demarche. Of course, his feelings for his students were completely reciprocated, he never expected either love or respect from them. But as for Granger personally, the diligent crammer has always demonstrated obedience. This was the first time she openly insulted him.
“Miss Granger! Stop! What am I for you, a peer to quarrel with?”
Turning over her shoulder, she gave him a long, searching look.
“I see no difference. For example, between you and Malfoy. Oh, no, there is a difference. I've known for a long time what kind of person he is. What I don't know anymore is what kind of person you are.”
Something vaguely familiar stung Snape. It was in her words, and in the expressiveness of the first phrase, and in her long gaze, before saying it. But he was not up to the nonsense girl's puzzles.
“Fifty points from Gryffindor!” he shouted at the retreating figure and tried to forget this strange encounter immediately. You never know what hit the girl's head! Puberty, periods, quarrel with her boyfriend. However, the latter was unlikely. How could there be a boyfriend for such a bore, who had barely left from her childhood? Stop, no more thoughts about her, Severus commanded himself. She was just another pain in the ass of those whom he had been forced to endure for the past fourteen years for the sake of his real life's work. It was more important to decide what to do at that point. To look if Moody hadn't installed at his rooms some guard charms that for example incinerate anyone who casually passes near his door? To try to get close to the Bulgarian ship? Or to the French carriage? To make sure that journalists aren't prowling around without an escort? To set up a "friendly meeting" with Lucius for the weekend and try to find out something through him?
For the rest of the day, Snape ran errands of all kinds, mechanically performed lessons and pushed out of his mind thoughts about Granger, which stubbornly ascended back. Late in the night, tired of this struggle, he gave up and went to Dumbledore to borrow the Pensieve.
After reviewing the last encounters with Granger, the first thing Snape noticed was that her front teeth had recently shrunk, making her look more mature and, to be honest, more pleasant. And then he discovered the occasion.
A few days ago, two threes of sworn enemies had grappled right outside his office. Goyle's face had been covered in boils, and Granger's teeth had grown to her shoulders. And Severus… Well, yes, he had made a remark: “I see no difference,” and forgotten about it right away. Then Granger had figured out how to make her teeth better than before. Snape shrugged, putting the Pensieve back in place. Big deal. He breaked up several fights like that every day.
“I was rude to the girl out of the blue,” he admitted, stepping down to his dungeons.
“I laughed at the lack of her appearance,” he grimaced, starting his evening routine.
“I started on her like a bully schoolboy on a classmate,” he gritted his teeth, turning off the light.
And only in bed, on the edge of sleep and reality, when his mind relaxed the usual defenses, the dam burst with a wealth of associations.
It was Lily's gaze, strangely vacant for the first time, during their late-night conversation at the portrait of the Fat Lady. Severus hadn't known then that this was their last conversation. They had quarreled and reconciled dozens of times before. He had been furiously jealous of Lily for Potter; she had criticized his Slytherin buddies. Sometimes he could say too much in his heart, but then he always came to her with apologies. For the sake of their friendship, she had always forgiven him, and from then on he had tried to keep it together and be less selfish.
Her friendship had given Severus more than he could realize at the time. It had been teaching him to take into account other's feelings, giving him moral guidance and making him a better person. But after the unforgivable insult, it had been all over. He had no longer seen in Lily's eyes any stubbornness, resentment, regret, or hope for reconciliation, as after their previous quarrels. Nothing. Only indifferent contempt. He no longer existed for her.
And Granger's gaze today was the same. Disappointed.
But how can one be disappointed in someone they don't expect anything from?
Memories began to come back to him in all clarity, no need of the Pensieve. There was a knowing smile in Granger's eyes when he made a sarcastic joke, too complicated for most. Her look was careful at his lectures. It was thoughtful when he asked a question; it was illuminated with pride when only she knew the answer. It was admirable when he showed something truly beautiful. It was quietly but stubbornly judgmental when he told Longbottom what he's worth. Amiable. Respectful. Offended. Whatever, but not indifferent.
God, why hadn't Severus noticed and appreciated all these looks until he lost them? Why was it so painful to remember Granger today, studying him from head to toe like a stranger? Why these sensations in the area where, he thought, everything had long since died and petrified? Why did he even care about just another Gryffindor's resentment?
Because she's not ‘just another one’. Before his malicious joke, she sincerely considered him a decent person. She was never afraid of him, like others, she did not obey him forcibly, despising and hating him in her heart. The credit of respect Granger had given him seemed limitless. But Snape managed to waste it.
And for the second time, he realized the value of what he had only by losing it.
But would he lose it forever again? No way! Of course, there was no question of any friendship with a student, as well as chasing her with apologies. But he was still capable of learning from his mistakes.
He could be the kind of person she had seen him as.
He would fulfill Dumbledore's mission not only in the name of Lily's memory. He would do it for Granger. For the sake of her future. In order for the coming war to cost as few victims as possible. In order for Granger, not being among these victims, to marry someone of her own age—even a Weasley, hell with him!—and have his children and build a career that she was capable of. In her case, this could mean the position of Minister of Magic.
For the destinies of her peers to be happy and prosperous. In order for them to grow up to be good people, live quiet, peaceful lives, and love their families. In order for them to never know the loss and betrayal. In order for them to never experience what he had gone through, never face the choices that a war offers, and never taste the bitter fruits of these choices. He would keep this part to himself, he was used to it.
It didn't matter for Severus what price he would pay for his mission.
Yes, friendship with a student was out of the question. But he had a chance to work on his mistakes, and regain Hermione Granger's respect, and justify her confidence in him. Amendment one: you must treasure a relationship that makes you a better person. Even if there's no relationship at all.