Work Text:
It was a very special day in the Hashira House. Though, not one they celebrated so openly, or even one they all knew about. Most of the hashira had taken the day off, choosing to kick back and relax on this beautiful, April day. The one exception to this was Gyomei, who had his own plans.
“Alright everybody, we’re off!” Gyomei Himejima held the door open.
“Goodbye Himejima, good luck!” Shinobu Kocho chimed.
Sanemi Shinazugawa stood beside her, smiling,”Hey Tokito, make sure the old man doesn’t get into too much trouble, ok?”
“Alright.” Muichiro Tokito nodded.
The Stone and Mist Pillar were going out to visit the Kamaboko Squad, and by proxy, Uzui’s wives. Out at the car, Tengen was kissing each of his wives personally.
“I love you girls! Just call me if you need anything, alright?”
“Okay Lord Tengen!” Suma wiped her tears, and waved her husband goodbye.
“We love you!” Hinatsuru smiled. Before returning to the driver’s seat.
“Make smart choices!” Makio shouted out, aware what their night would ensue.
With that, Gyomei and Muichiro were—
“Wait!” Mitsuri hurried out. “You almost forgot your brownies!!”Mitsuri always tried to include the Kamaboko Squad, even though they lived a ways away. For her, the best way to do it was to share the sweets she baked!
“Oh! Uh…” Genya blushed, taking the warm, plastic wrapped tray.
“Thank you.” Muichiro spoke for him.
“Of course! Make sure everybody gets one!”
“You got it!” Makio gave a thumbs up.
With that, Gyomei and Muichiro were really on their way, leaving the house to the other pillars. Obanai Iguro and Giyu Tomioka sat at the couch, in a silent staring contest. But they must be in a good mood, after all they haven’t begun insulting each other…yet.
Shinobu and Sanemi quietly joined them, sitting down as though something major were about to happen. All the Pillars exchanged looks as Mitsuri walked back in, sighing happily and sitting down. Last, but certainly not least…was Tengen. He walked over to the table, and sat down.
“…Who’s ready to get high?” Tengen grinned.
An Hour Later…
“I’M HOME!!” Kyojuro Rengoku declared as he burst through the door.
Being a police officer, it was rare that Kyojuro saw a day off. But thankfully, he got to come home early! He looked around for his friends, before a strange, disgusting scent burned in his nose. “Eugh…guys? Did you burn something??”
Kyojuro received no answer, until Mitsuri dashed over and hugged him. “Kyojurooooo!!~”
“Mitsuriiii!~” The Flame Pillar responded, hugging her. “How was your lazy day?”
“It’s been so good! We put on step-brothers, and then we got a bunch of snacky snacks! And then…” Mitsuri rambled onward. As she did, Kyojuro noticed that the Love Pillar’s eyes were red. And she seemed a bit wobbly on her legs.
“Hang on now. Is everything alright, Kanroji? You look like you’ve been crying!!”
“I fo?…” Mitsuri looked at herself in the mirror, shortly abandoning Kyojuro as she looked deep into her eyes…then began to giggle. Then, she began to laugh hysterically. “Everyone! Hey everyone! Come look at my eyes!!”
Rengoku was certainly at a loss now. He sighed deeply, heading into the living room where he could hear the tv turned up high, and the laughter of the others. The whole place stunk so bad, it would probably kill Kamado on entry!!
“Everyone, I’ve returned! What is going…” as Kyojuro declared himself, absolute shock fell upon him. The other pillars, his friends…they were all high out of their minds! “WHAT IS GOING ON?!”
“HEYYYY! IT’S KYOJURO!!” Tengen declared, every other hashira eventually greeted him with an equally loud ‘HEYYYYY’!
However, the Flame Pillar’s normally cheery disposition was gone, replaced by a disappointed, yet angry expression. “You are all getting high? Seriously??”
“Yeah! It’s 4/20 man!” Tengen waved him off, shortly hitting his blunt after.
“I don’t care what day it is, this is despicable!”
“Oh relax Kyojuro! Unwind a little!!” Obanai stumbled over, throwing a hand on his shoulder. Obanai’s eyes were also bloodshot, but he seemed more at ease than normal. “C’mon, I’ll get you started—“
“No. I won’t be starting anything. This drug melts your brains!” Kyojuro puffed.
Ironically, the Rengoku house was raised very firmly into the idea that even looking at drugs will corrupt you. Obanai was aware of this, and sighed softly.
“Rengoku, dude, it’s all good man. We’re all having a good time. Even Tomioka! Isn’t that right?”
Giyu was seated on the couch, his arms spread as he just…laid there. His eyes were puffy, his gaze pointed outside.
“Tomioka?” Iguro called. “Tomioka!!”
“Huh?”
“Isn’t getting high fun?”
“…wha?”
“High!”
“…Hi.” Giyu, uncharacteristically, smiled at the Serpent Pillar.
“Pfft, what an idiot…”
“I don’t know what to say,” Kyojuro shook his head, moving to be in front of the others, only a couple of whom actually looked at him. “I am horribly disappointed in you all! What would Lord Himejima think??”
“Why do you think we sent him and Muichiro away?” Shinobu pitched in, trying to stand from the couch. Thankfully she was able to stand, albeit very unsteadily,”We planned today for a good while, actually. They’re over with Uzui’s wives right now, far from all this.”
“I miss my girls…” Tengen whined, before trying to steal his bag of chips back from Mitsuri.
“Well…why??” Kyojuro asked. “Why would you all do this??”
“Buddy,” Sanemi sat up from his corpse-like stance and looked to the Flame Pillar. “We’ve gotta relax somehow, y’know? Plus, it’s not exactly the first time we’ve done this.”
“It’s my first time!” Mitsuri cheered, wrapping her arms around Iguro and Uzui.
Shinobu nodded at Sanemi’s words. “Yeah, a lot of us have very stressful jobs, and that’s after risking our lives every day!”
“I understand your worry, but we were all new to this too at one point. We’re your friends, and wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you, Kyojuro.” Giyu spoke; seemingly so high he’d become enlightened. “The choice is yours, Rengoku. We won’t try to sway you either way. You are our friend, and we want what’s best for you.”
“But it’d be really fun.” Shinobu pitched in.
“And the food is super good!” Mitsuri added happily.
Kyojuro looked around. He was home, they were all safe…he sighed. “Okay…well…where do we start?”
“Alright!!” Tengen bounced up from his couch. “C’mere buddy! I’m gonna make sure you have the best high ever!!”
It was clear from a mile away that the Sound Hashira was the orchestrator of events. On the living room’s coffee table was a large spread: opened bags of chips, chocolates, and gummies laid out. Just behind them, was Tengen’s spread. Several Joints. An especially flashy looking bong, and a set of untouched brownies.
“So…how do we…proceed?” Kyojuro asked, sitting by Tengen.
“Pfft, proceed!” Tengen laughed. “Well, which do you wanna try?”
“Hm…well, which way tastes best?…”
“None!” Tengen laughed. “Here, take this blunt. Just a deep breath in, hold it for a second, then breathe it out.”
“Uh, okay…” Kyojuro nodded, hesitantly taking the blunt.
The hashira watched in anticipation as Uzui lit the other end. Rengoku took a deep breath in, removing the blunt, and keeping his mouth closed. He shortly began to stifle coughs, keeping his mouth shut.
“No Kyojuro! Holding it in doesn’t do anything!!” Obanai warned.
With that, Rengoku erupted into a coughing fit, fanning smoke away from his face as the others laughed. Kyojuro shuddered,“Eugh, that’s awful…”
“Haha, yeah.” Tengen patted his back and offered water. “Man, I can’t wait to see what kind of high you are.”
Kyojuro shook his head, chuckling as he grabbed a brownie.
“Woah, right off the deep end!” Tengen chuckled, quickly stopping him. “Careful now, that’s an Uzui family recipe, it might hit ya kind of hard!”
“What do you mean?”
“What do I…” Uzui was at a loss for words.
“It’s a pot brownie. If you eat that after smoking you’ll green out.” Shinobu said.
“Yeah, plus they’re lame as hell.” Sanemi added.
“No they aren’t!” The Sound Pillar huffed.
Tengen had been getting high since even before he married. And being a Shinobi, it took a pretty hefty dosage to put him down. So those brownies, though they tasted like crap, were a great high! To prove it, Tengen grabbed the brownie and took a bite. Weird, it was…sweet. And enjoyable. He hurriedly turned to Mitsuri,”Here, how does this taste?”
“Ooooh!!” Mitsuri, who up until this point was checked out, grabbed and scarfed the brownie down. “Mmmm! So good!!”
“Good? It’s not supposed to be good! I loaded it with cannabutter!!” Tengen shouted.
It took maybe a minute for the realization to set in. It started when Sanemi began to laugh aloud. Then Shinobu’s face went pale. And lastly, Tengen’s eyes grew as wide as dinner plates, and he frantically began to look for his phone.
“What? What is it??” Kyojuro asked.
“…I was giving them the brownies from the oven, right??” Mitsuri asked, and in doing so, all hell broke loose.
Meanwhile, at the Kamaboko House…
“Thank you so much for having us over, really.” Gyomei spoke sincerely.
“Of course!” Hinatsuru chimed,”I know how much Muichiro’s friendship with these boys means. For both of them.”
At the moment, the two hashira were enjoying a nice dinner with the Kamaboko Squad, and Uzui’s wives. The Kunoichi were exceptional hosts, and Himejima found he quite liked their presence. Similarly, at the kid’s end of the table, Muichiro was speaking with the other kids.
“...Then after I killed the Elden Beast, that pushed me through into my first million followers.” Muichiro commented.
“Wow, that’s great!” Tanjiro smiled.
“I wish I was that good at video games…” Zenitsu sighed.
“I have a twitch too!!” Inosuke barked.
“No you don’t, twitch is a streaming service.” Kanao corrected him.
“Okay, here’s dessert everyone!” Makio returnedfrom the kitchen with a platter of brownies.
She set them out for everybody to enjoy, the many young slayers grabbing brownies. Tanjiro took a deep breath in, then cringed,“Oh my…they’re very…”
“Huh. Must be Vegan.” Genya commented nonchalantly, shortly throwing the whole thing in his mouth.
The Kamaboko Squad were already well into their brownies by the time the Hashira got a taste. Gyomei winced as he swallowed,“Oh…that’s…odd.”
“It tastes fine to me.” Muichiro commented.
Then, when Suma took a bite…she realized what was happening. “...Makio, what day is it?”
“It’s April 20th, why?”
“Um…I think they gave us the wrong brownies…” Suma whimpered.
Hinatsuru sniffed at the brownie, her face going pale. “Call Tengen. Uh, okay everyone, no more brownies!”
“Whuh? Why?” Inosuke asked, currently on his third brownie.
Back at the Hashira’s House...
“...Hey, what were we worried about again?” Tengen asked.
“I forgot.” Giyu answered.
It didn’t take long for the stoned Hashira to forget about their mistake. Shinobu went out on a quest to find her phone and call them, but now it was just a quest to find her phone. “Where is it…where did I put it??”
“Heheh, she’s never gonna find it.” Obanai snickered. Mitsuri shortly pulled out her phone, randomly putting on music, and beginning to dance to it.
“Aww, look at those lovebirds, Kyojuro…” Sanemi joked.
“Huh?” Kyojuro turned, currently sprawled on a couch.
Getting high was…fun. But also a lot. Kyojuro was currently adjusting to the ride, eating fruits, mumbling a passionate ‘tasty’ with each bite. He kept devouring food, and partying with his friends, until…
BEEP BEEEEEEP!!!
“The hell?!” Sanemi shot up.
The Hashira stumbled their way to the garage to see what had happened. Out front was the Kunoichi’s car. Hinatsuru stepped out, emanating an uncharacteristically furious aura. “Where is Tengen Uzui?...”
At that moment, it all came back. The brownies! Tengen’s brownies. Tengen was further behind the other pillars, and began to stealthily sneak back into the house. If he could just outlast until his high, faded, then--
“He’s right inside ladies!” Kyojuro gestured inside with an innocent smile. The Kunoichi were nice, so of course he would let them in! Though he had no clue why they were so mad.
“YOU!!” Makio shouted.
Tengen let out a girly shriek before they caught up to him, yelling and scolding him violently. As they did, the others made their way out of the van. First was Muichiro, who had a pretty good poker face--even if his red eyes gave it away.
“Oh no! I got Mui high!...” Mitsuri stumbled over, hugging Tokito and blubbering ‘I’m sowwy’ over and over.
“What about it?” Muichiro asked, squirming in her grip.
Genya stumbled out next, wobbling where he stood and looking around. “I uh…h-hey guys!”
“...Pfft! Your poker face is shit.” Sanemi laughed, approaching Genya.
Kanao silently exited next; her expression was one of repressed worry. It was her first high after all.
“Oh dear. Come here hun.” Shinobu approached, giving her tsuguko the comfort she’d need.
Next were the Kamaboko Squad. Tanjiro was also attempting to act cool, which was the exact opposite of his friends.
“Hey guys…how are you? Uh…we’re doing good!”
“Good? I wouldn’t say good,” Zenitsu stepped out, clutching himself. “I mean I’m a sixteen year old who’s fighting demons every day, I don’t have a wife, I’m blonde, I’m just a total mess y’know??”
Agatsuma was in the middle of an anxious ramble, induced by the paranoia of being high and getting his brains melted. Nezuko stepped out next; thanks to being a demon, she didn’t need to eat, and avoided getting high.
“They’re acting funny!”
“Okay, let’s get everyone inside.” Giyu took charge, escorting everyone in.
“Wait, what about the others?” Kyojuro asked.
“I’ll get them.” Obanai hurried to the car, opening the door,“Gyomei, Boar-face, come…fuck.”
Inside the car, Gyomei and Inosuke were positively zooted. Both just sat in their seats, staring off to who knows where.
“Oh…Iguro.” Gyomei greeted. “I think you gave us the wrong brownies.”
After an hour, the Hashira had sorted the emergency sleepover out. Tengen’s room was now the wives, Shinobu took in Kanao, Sanemi took in Genya, and Kyojuro took in Inosuke, Zenitsu, and Tanjiro. And Tengen, poor Tengen, was spending his night on the porch.
After everyone was sorted, the Hashira gathered downstairs…except Tengen, who was still outside.
“This was a disaster.” Giyu spoke.
“You think??”
“Yes, Sanemi. That’s why I said it.”
“Poor Mui…” Mitsuri cuddled him.
Muichiro however, simply sighed, then took out a vape and hit it. The Hashira panicked and pulled it away from him.
“Kid, vaping is bad for you!!” Obanai warned.
“So? Slaying Demons is too.”
“Whose is this anyway??” Kyojuro looked at the pen.
“That’s mine.”
“...YOURS?!” The hashira asked in unison.
“Yeah. I’m the Mist Hashira.” Muichiro said as if it were obvious, grabbing and hitting the pen yet again. If nothing else, the Hashira wouldn’t forget their 4/20.