Chapter Text
As a reaper, Dazai could see the unfortunate fates of everyone's lives.
The end of it all. For everyone was doomed from the start, they were all dead in his eyes.
So even his dear partner, even he wasn't safe.
Why..why?
Why could he see all these things and be powerless to prevent it all?
From the beginning, nobody was alive. This is just how it would be.
He was always dead.
Kunikida. You can't hide it.
I know you have a terminal illness.
That you come home late and exhausted.
That you're sick. And tired too.
But he doesn't say that. He wouldn't.
What good would it do?
Instead, he smiles and takes extra care of his partner when he needs it, and pretends that the end wouldn't come in three years in a cold November.
Ah.
Kunikida came home late again today. He didn't speak a word of it.
Simply gave Dazai a gentle smile and an apology.
Set the shopping bag down on the table with the groceries.
Kunikida knew.
Dazai knew.
In a way, they were both hiding it from each other.
In his mind, he had seen the day. Thousands of times over. The reaper suffers in silence.
And his partner does too.
Kunikida, alone all alone in a cold November, three years time.
The twelfth of August.
And he was shivering terribly, yet refused to let that smile drop.
For now, it was spring. It was a gentle evening.
For now, he was okay.
But in a day, a week, a year... a few years... he would not be okay.
He would be gone.
"Dazai..."
He started, about to say something, but then deciding to change it to something else.
"I hope I didn't bother you today."
"Sorry for coming home a little late again..."
"I know I promised to try harder..."
Kunikida gave another weak, apologetic smile.
"It's no problem, really."
Dazai chuckles softly, his eyes kind and gentle as he puts a reassuring arm around his partner.
"You don't need to apologise. You did your best today. I appreciate that much. Don't worry, I wasn't bothered at all."
Dazai's smile softens with understanding as he watches his beloved partner get home after a hard day's work. He couldn't help but feel pity. Sorrow. Emptiness.
It would all end in three years time.
All this happiness was only temporary and so were all the happy memories- the times of joy and laughter would only be bittersweet memories in the end.
But for now, in the present, it was alright. Right now was fine.
Dazai holds Kunikida's hand tightly and gives it a gentle squeeze on it in reassurance and comfort.
"It's alright, really." He whispers softly
Then he goes on as if nothing would happen. Kunikida goes to remove the eggs from the cartons, ever so gently as if they were already baby birds.
He stores the carrots, the spring onions, the mushrooms and the little bag of rice.
Usually, he'd be able to carry ten kilograms of it.
Today, he brought home only two.
Dazai watches Kunikida as he handles the food with delicate care. The exhaustion was more obvious, Kunikida seemed to be moving more sluggishly as he puts away the groceries. He seemed more tired than usual. The shopping bag was much lighter these days, the trips became shorter, and there was less food, less weight in each bag.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
There was a silent apology for everything he did.
I'm sorry for being sick. For being a burden. For being a nuisance.
These words he never spoke, but Dazai could feel that they were there.
They were simply unspoken thoughts.
Dazai heard those silent words, his partner's thoughts. He could not only see the end, but he could feel the exhaustion and the sorrow, the guilt that came after.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, you hear?” He wanted to say, he was almost on the verge of spilling it all out, to reassure his partner that he was alright, that he was doing just fine, as he looked at his partner's face, his eyes sincere and filled with understanding.
Kunikida chuckles softly, pretending that nothing has happened at all. Trying to keep the mood up. Trying to pretend to be okay. The woven bag gets stored away.
Dazai smiles softly as he chuckles too, the gentle and soft kind. The laugh that's full of comfort and warmth.
"I'm just concerned, that's all. You've been looking more tired than usual.” He started.
I know I'm not your parent, but I would appreciate it if you take better care of your health.” Dazai spoke lightheartedly with a small smile, though he meant every word.
"My health...huh?"
"Ah, I'll be just fine."
"I'm just tired these days, that's all."
He gave another soft smile.
Oh how it hurt Dazai's heart! Was it all just an act? Did he so desperately need to reassure his partner that he was alright?
Dazai knew what Kunikida was doing. He was trying desperately to be strong and not let his partner see his weakness. He knew that his time was running out, yet he kept it up.
He kept trying to make sure to ease his partner's worries. He would try as long as he could to pretend that everything was fine. Dazai knew, but he played along because he didn't want to see his partner suffering.
"Well if you say so... But just in case..."
His voice held sincerity and a tenderness to it.
The reaper knows. The reaper knows all too well.
Kunikida keeps up the charade of being fine, that his situation isn't dire and worsening. He keeps trying to reassure Dazai, to make him believe his precious partner is healthy, all while facing the dark reality of his own life. The reaper knows, of course. The reaper can see all. But he continues to smile, to act and to reassure. If only it could just keep going on like this. If only everything would stay alright.
"I'll just...rest for a bit."
"Is that alright with you?"
His tired eyes crinkled a little. The golden hue was growing ever the more dull these days. Growing greyer and greyer as if all light, hope and colour was fading away. Dazai could see the dullness in Kunikida’s eyes, the paleness of his skin and the tiredness of his mannerisms. It was getting bad, it was getting more and more worrisome.
"Of course, you can rest as much as you like. You're so tired lately.” He spoke with genuine worry in his voice.
"Haha...I'll get better soon."
"I'm sure of it."
But they both knew he was lying.
The two knew the truth, and neither wanted to acknowledge it. Kunikida would get worse and worse, and there was nothing they could do about it. The two were stuck. Kunikida didn't want his partner to worry and be burdened over him, Dazai didn't want to see his partner suffer. There was a sense of helplessness between them, they knew that this would all end, but they both pretended they didn't.
He gave one last sorrowful smile before he turned away and entered his own room.
The door handle felt so cold in his hands. Freezingly so.
A few steps in, and he practically collapsed on the bed in silence.
Dazai stood outside in the kitchen, unaware of his partner collapsing. God...it was almost laughable how frail he had become.
Kunikida felt weak, he was exhausted, more so each day. Even the simplest and smallest things hurt for some reason. He felt a shortness of breath, and he was growing more and more exhausted as time went on. He closed his eyes, wishing for the pain to stop. For the weakness to disappear. For him to regain his former strength and health.
Please please please, dear god.
He began to plead silently.
God, are you listening?
Are you real?
Is there anyone out there?
Is this it?
Am I condemned to die in a few years?
Is this my fate?
Dear god. If you're even there.
Am I...a bad person?
Kunikida's words were full of desperation, they were a cry out to a god he wasn't even sure was listening. They were the cries of someone who was scared. They were the cries of a person who was trying to ignore the obvious and pretend it wasn't happening. They were the cries of a desperate man who didn't want to die soon, a man who just wanted a little more time. He was at the edge, and every second counted. Soon, his time would run out. Every single breath he took felt laboured and painful.
He lay on the bed in silence, his mind running wild since he couldn't.
God...
God please.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Whatever it was, whatever I did.
Please?
Can it all be okay again?
He hadn't realised it, but tears streaked down his face.
He was crying in silence, crying in private, alone, all alone.
Not one sound was made. He cried in silence, the kind that hurt the most. The silence that no one listened to, the silence he was all alone in.
He wouldn't let his partner see.
He was determined. For as long as he lived- the short few years he had left, he wasn't even sure, was it two? three or four?
He'd try. He'd stay strong. He'd hide it.
Kunikida was determined to keep his emotions concealed from his partner, he would fight to hide his deteriorating condition and keep up the charade that everything was fine when it wasn't. He would stay strong, he would keep the act up.
He didn't know that regardless, his partner knew. The reaper already knew all too well. But he continued to try to hide regardless, he kept his emotions from showing, kept his partner out of the dark. Kept on lying. All he could do for now was lie and keep putting up the facade.
So here he was, crying all alone in the dark.
He was determined to put up the act that everything was okay. He was pretending to be fine and trying to ignore reality. It was all he could do... cry in silence and mourn the days that he wouldn’t live through.
Kunikida sobs in the dark, all alone in the cold of his room.
An hour passes, and his sobs are reduced to nothingness. It all stops.
Kunikida lays in the middle of his bed, sick and drained. He's tired. Far too tired.
Kunikida eventually falls completely silent and remains on his bed. His body is exhausted, his mind is all jumbled and he is barely conscious. He closes his eyes and feels the tiredness creeping up on him. He didn't know if he could even stay conscious much longer... it was all very quiet, and very silent.
Shaky breaths.
When Dazai enters the room, he is greeted with the sight of an unconscious Kunikida. He's lying on the bed and looks so...hollow. So empty and limp.
It reminds him of the visions he's seen constantly.
Kunikida, Kunikida, you're already a corpse.
From the start, you were already dead.
The sight of Kunikida's drained expression, the hollow way he laid on the bed, looking so pitiful. He took in those details- details he had noticed before in his visions, in memories long forgotten, he could feel the guilt rising and flooding within his chest.
The reaper couldn't help but feel sorry for his partner. He was so tired, so exhausted, so drained, so hopeless. So dead...even now. The reaper walked over to his tired partner and felt his wrist, his heartbeat.
It was slow. Very slow. Almost too slow.
He felt as if he could hear the echo in his head. A countdown to his partner's death, and to their separation. He felt guilt and despair rising with each beat, every second, every breath his partner took.
"Not yet..." He muttered.
Not yet, not soon. He wouldn’t be prepared in the slightest.
Morning comes the next day, and it is a Saturday.
A quiet day. There is no work, no hassle, no nothing. Just rest.
Kunikida awakens to the feeling of his partner's warm arms wrapped around his body.
He smiles. It's genuine this time.
Dazai wakes up next to Kunikida, his warm arms wrapped around his partner. He squeezes him tightly, trying to ignore the feeling of guilt that's constantly buzzing inside him. The reaper's grip on Kunikida is tight and he's holding on even tighter, as if he was terrified to let go of his precious partner.
"Good morning Dazai."
He whispers, that gentle smile still present on his face. He means it.
It is a good morning because he's alive.
For now.
Kunikida...why do you have to smile? Please. It hurts.
His tone was soft, gentle, like always. Dazai smiled at him in return, although his own wasn't genuine.
“Good morning, Kunikida." He responded, but he was still scared and confused. How could his dear partner smile when he knew what was going to happen? Didn't he know it would all end in the next few years? He just couldn't figure out his partner's behaviour.
It's okay it's okay it's all okay for now! That lying smile was almost innocent.
Like that bleak future wasn't ahead of him. Like it wasn't his own.
It made the guilt that's constantly buzzing inside him grow even worse. How could his partner smile as if all was well? Couldn't he see it? Couldn't he see that they were running out of time? That there was no hope left? That it was all already over? The reaper felt so powerless. He didn't know what to do, but he still smiled back at his dear partner, even if it was fake.
Dazai wanted to make his partner happy. For the rest of his life.
If they were running out of time, he'd make it count. He just would.
He wanted to make his partner happy, he wanted these to be the most cheerful days they could have with each other. Knowing that these next few years were their last days together, he wanted each and every day to be worth living together.
He didn't want these months to go to waste, he wanted each day to go as slowly as possible, he wanted to stretch every single second into eternity.
That was his most sincere wish.