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Never in Steven’s life, did he ever wish for things to get as horrible as they did. He never wished to stab Bismuth near her gem so hard with his late mother’s sword, seeing her scarred and dishevelled face with tears brimming which still haunts Steven in his worst nightmares. He never wished for Jasper to inflict upon herself the gruelling agony of becoming corrupted, monstrous and dangerous, a far cry from the strong and mighty quartz he once fought, even if she was an enemy, he still feels the guilt as if she was an ally. He never wished to fly Eyeball into space, no matter if it was self defence, the scars still linger, seeing her furious face as she’s dragged into darkness. No matter how many times he sobs into his tear-soaked pillows or wails in the steaming-hot shower or whispering into the night from his balcony apologies for those he had harmed, he knows it’ll never be enough, the metaphorical blood on him remains, staining his hands and tarnishing the childish innocence he once retained. He’s not the same boy he once was. That over exuberant, cookie-cat loving boy had decayed, ages ago. Now sorrowful and empty deep inside. He’s amazing at hiding that painful fact however, he believes the gems or at least Pearl and Garnet still believe he’s that naïve little boy who thought his powers came from icecream and adorned a grin far to big for him. He still wants to be that that child, though his time has departed long ago.
He left a terrifying parting gift however, the list. The list he gave to his friend, Peridot 5XG. She was still spending her days serving the tyrannical regime of Homeworld; he was a complete moron that day, he should’ve listened to Garnet telling him not to make a single move. His curiosity never should’ve gotten control over him. Maybe if he had more self-restraint then his friends, humans wouldn’t have been kidnapped by those two gems. Aquamarine and Topaz.
He can remember the fear in all their faces etched onto them, it’s imprinted onto his brain. Never to be forgotten. When he saw them with Connie, the Topaz fusion unfusing running up to her and fusing once more to trap her alongside the others he wanted to throw up, scream and yell. Though, they knocked him unconscious via Aquamarines wand. He should’ve been better, they counted on him to be better.
When he woke up from unconsciousness, he ran straight to the gems, panicked and frightened. Millions of thoughts running wild through his head, on the verge of a panic attack. They were only taking his friends, he didn’t know why until earlier that day. They sent out to locate them, free the hostages who happen to be his friends. He didn’t even think of getting Lapis or Peridot to help. Maybe they could’ve helped, he’s not sure how however, but they could have. He received a text from Connie saying they were at Funland, a lead. Hope filled him for only a few bleak seconds. It didn’t last long unfortunately for him.
The second he found out he was responsible for this situation, he wanted to just fall apart in front of everyone, blame himself and exclaim how sorry he was but he couldn’t. He had to save them. If he didn’t, they would be gone forever.
Steven told them about his dad, they thought he meant that as in literally ‘Mydad’ ; they were still looking for him, if it wasn’t for them not having a concept on familial relations, they would’ve zipped right into space without a trace with his dad. May just be the only positive from a mostly bleak situation. But they held Jamie ransom.
Topaz grabbed ahold of Jamie’s head, Jamie whimpering in horror only whispering Steven’s name through terrified gasps. Steven could’ve sworn his heart stopped in those moments. He couldn’t tell if Topaz was aiming to snap Jamie’s neck or crush his skull, both are the worse options Steven’s so grateful he didn’t get an answer too. If he didn’t pretend to be ‘Mydad’ then he’s sure Jamie would be nothing but a severed head left to bleed out in Mr Smiley’s amusement park.
When he himself got sucked into the Topaz fusion, Amethyst even asked him if he even had a plan to which all Steven did in response was give a faux smile and a thumbs up. He had a plan, he was praying it would work and fix his mistakes and leave no one hurt, no one deserved to die over his incompetency. He would bubble them out and get them off the ship before it’s too late, a solid plan or so he thought.
He heard their shrieks, he felt Lars angrily tapping his head. Steven needed focus, he just wished it came a little quicker but it worked. He freed his friends from Topaz. Them all sprawled across the cold floors of the spaceship, a battle would commence only a few seconds later.
Aquamarine ordered for the now two Topaz’s to get his friends back in their grasp, he saw horror in everyone’s eyes.
The clang of Connie slashing her sword, Topaz holding her pugil mace against the shining pink sword, Steven producing several shields from his gem and throwing them at Topaz to no avail, he was far too stressed to function.
All he could think about was how all of this was his own fault, if he hadn’t been such a moron all that time ago then none of this would’ve been happening in the first place, if his mum didn’t start the rebellion and shatter Pink Diamond herself in cold blood then Homeworld wouldn’t even be trying to destroy Earth.
Connie tried. Connie attempted to get him out of his emotional trance and focus on the current fight; he wanted too, truly, he did though it felt like his world was ending. He’s the reason his friends likely haven’t eaten nor drunk anything in days, he’s the reason their traumatised now. He’s the reason for all their suffering. Steven apologised, no longer holding the feelings of guilt within him any longer. He was so out of it. He saw a door, it was opened and all his friends were around him and Connie. Alexandrite was holding the ship with clenched fists, she seemed like she was holding herself together by mere threads.
He said to jump into the water, a plan Sadie clearly wasn’t fan of he’s guessing based on her reaction, Onion jumped first without hesitation, he threw Jamie into the water despite his trembling fingers. When Connie and Sadie jumped however, they were paused; glowing blue and floating still. Aquamarine approached him still mockingly referring to him as ‘Mydad’ She couldn’t return to Homeworld without retrieving what the Diamonds wanted. That’s the second he made a choice, eyes wide and face as somber as ever.
Steven told the pixie-like gem that he wasn’t ’Mydad’ as to which she complained angrily, he’s guessing she actually begun to believe his lie, he’d laugh about it if it wasn’t for the dire circumstances and the burning wound running deep through his heart.
Steven then spoke more intensely, he then confessed on how he was the leader of the Crystal Gem Rebellion and how he was the shatterer of Pink Diamond herself, he was Rose Quartz. He lifted his salmon-pink shirt up revealing the pristine pink gemstone adorned on his navel.
Aquamarines eyes widened in shock and she relinquished the others from the grasp her wand had on them, them all falling into the water with loud splashes.
They begged for him not to do it. They pleaded with him, screamed at him not to sacrifice himself to the Diamonds. For once in his life, he wouldn’t spare their feelings. He was the only one who could stop what his mother had begun.
Steven’s never been afraid of death, not a single time in his life. He remembers when he witnessed himself die with the hourglass of time, several Steven’s dissipating into nothingness, ceasing to exist. Though, if he’s honest, the fact he was so okay with dying even then scares him, he still sung at Beach-a-Palooza that night smiling joyfully seemingly brushing the events of that traumatic incident away. It scares him at times on how he’s perfectly happy with death. Not that he cares anymore, he knows this is a suicide gambit. He knows this is selfish but if it’s going to save everyone, is it truly that bad?
When he begun to walk away from them, all he could feel was the cold air blowing onto his skin, curly hair blowing in the breeze and the hole in his heart as clear as day. When the door of the ship was closing, he heard Connie yell for him not to do it.
He loves Connie with all his heart, she’s the apple of his eye. The shining sun in his life, the one who listens when he looses it. Though, her presence wouldn’t ever be enough to stop him from giving himself up. All he could say to her before the ship soared away into the cosmos was about how he loved her. He loved all of them, he wishes he had more time to bid his farewells, he wishes he could’ve seen his dad one last time.
He wishes he could’ve lived only a little bit longer but it’s for the best, his sacrifice would protect all those he loves, he knows when he gets to Homeworld, he’ll most likely be violently tortured and then murdered. However if that’s what it takes for him to save everyone he cares about for all time, then so be it.
When the spaceship’s door shut and the inside faded to darkness, Steven knew it would all be over soon. He’s unsure sure if this act would even save everyone, it has too though, he doesn’t want to die in vain. Steven still didn’t know how to feel about his impending doom, should he be feeling sad? Even more depressed? He doesn’t have the energy to wonder, all Steven knows is that he wishes it never ended up like this.