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"Hey... Koh?" Melto nervously approached the other boy.
"Yeah?" Koh glanced over his way.
Melto hesitated, and then spoke, "Can I... can I talk to you? Alone?"
"Sure." Koh agreed quite easily. Not that Melto had expected him not to.
The two found their way outside to a desolate spot that they could sit and talk at. Melto had no idea where to even try and begin. He had gotten this far, but hadn't exactly planned for how to proceed. He had tried to, but he was too nervous now.
Koh waited, seeming a little concerned by the sudden quietness that surrounded them. Melto hoped he wasn't looking panicked or nervous. He was trying to keep a calm expression despite the feelings inside. It was a lot harder than it looked.
"I..." Melto swallowed hard. "There's something that I..."
He stopped again. That wording sounded terrible. Come on. He should be able to find a better way to say this. Why wasn't his brain cooperating with him on this?
Koh seemed more concerned by the sudden pause. It wasn't exactly like Melto to act this way. He often was the calm one who knew what to say always. He thought ahead before he spoke. But this time none of that was working.
Melto took a few shaky breaths and tried again. "I... I've been... uh... fuck this is harder than I thought..."
He had thought it would be easier than this. That the words would just come to him. It was Koh he was talking to for the love of God. There was no reason he needed to be so nervous. He doubted this conversation was going to end badly. So why could he just spot out what he wanted to say?
"Take your time." Koh said. "Whatever it is, it's okay."
He knew that. That didn't make his mouth want to form words any better, though. This was so stupid. And now he was getting frustrated that this wasn't going the way he wanted it to.
All he had wanted to do was tell Koh he figured something out about himself. That was all this was. He was frustrated that it wasn't turning out as simple as it should be. Melto hated that he was starting to feel tears welling up in his eyes from the frustration. If he started crying, it would make things worse.
"I... I..." Melto was trying to force the words out. "I've been... questioning my gender."
Finally. That was a start. He was halfway there, but boy had that taken a while. Now to hope since he was started, it would make this a lot easier to finish. Melto had a feeling that wasn't going to happen very well. Even if he had started the conversation, it didn't mean he was going to be able to answer things any better than he had been just getting to this point.
"Questioning your gender?" Koh repeated, tilting his head to the side slightly, a pondering look on his face. "So, are you not a boy then?"
"I..." Melto paused again. The words were stuck in his throat once more.
Come on... it shouldn't be this hard. Koh already knew. He just needed to say what he had found out. That was all he had to do. Why couldn't he just spit it out already?
"Sometimes." Melto managed one word at least. It started an explanation. Probably wasn't going to be enough, but it was something at least.
"Sometimes?" Koh looked confused now. "Sometimes you don't feel like a boy and sometimes you do? I don't... understand."
"I don't either..." Melto said quietly. "It... it's something people call being genderfluid. Your... your gender fluctuates, in a sense, I guess. I don't know how to explain it."
He did know how to explain it, but he didn't know if he could get his brain to figure out a better way to phrase it right now. His heart was pounding in his chest and he was barely able to process any thoughts as it was right now. Thinking up a good explanation didn't seem likely at this point in time. Maybe when he calmed down he could try again?
"Interesting. So... you change what gender you are? How often?" Koh started asking questions now. At least he seemed to have accepted the butchered explanation Melto had managed to give.
"It... it depends." Melto said. "I never really know when it'll change, you know? It just happens... I guess."
"Oh. So, should I like, ask? Do you want me to ask? Am I supposed to use different pronouns and stuff when you aren't a boy?"
It was weird being bombarded with so many questions like this. But, it was somehow easing his anxiety now. The fact that Koh was trying to learn to make him comfortable put him a bit more at ease over the entire situation.
"I... well, you're the first person I've told..." Melto fumbled for an answer. "I don't know what I want to do. At least, not until everyone else knows."
"When are you gonna tell them? Was I the practice?"
"Kinda? I... need some time before I do this again... this didn't go the way I had wanted it to..." Melto mumbled. "I feel like I'm gonna cry..."
"Hug?" Koh didn't wait for a response and just hugged him tightly.
Melto returned the hug and allowed the pent up frustration to come out. The tears fell and he just clung onto Koh.
"I feel stupid for struggling so much with this..." Melto mumbled. "It shouldn't have been this hard."
"It happens to all of us." Koh replied, patting his back. "Next time I'm sure it'll go better. And you have me to help if you need it."
That was true. When he did decide he was ready to talk to everyone else about this, Koh could help him if he lost his voice again. Maybe it would be better next time? That was all he could hope for.
"I'll keep that in mind." Melto said.
This had certainly been an adventure. But he had done it. He was one step closer to telling everyone now. He just needed some time to get his bearings again after this disaster of a coming out talk. Then he would do it again and enlist Koh's help if he felt it necessary.