Chapter Text
The office, once you find it, looks nothing like you expected. The name "Psych" is emblazoned on the large picture window in a bright friendly green, and through the window you can see what looks like a rather messy office break room, or a rather neat frat living room. You would have expected a psychic's office to have more drapes, or incense, or gathering shadows. This is right on the beach.
They must do very well for themselves to afford waterfront rental prices. You try to think of it as a good sign.
You push the door open, calling out a polite "Hello?" that is completely drowned out by:
"You can't use more than one finger football at a time, Shawn! That's cheating!"
"There are no rules, Gus, it's a game for bored ten year olds."
"Oh, then how do you handle it? Isn't it too complicated for you?"
There's a lot of furious flicking noises coming from the next room. You step up to the doorway to find to find two grown men snapping paper footballs at each other and squealing.
"Excuse me, I'm looking for the detectives?" you ask, thinking there's no possible way these are them.
"Hello there," the one with the nose says. You think you recognize him from the news. But maybe you're confusing him with that guy from the telenovela your mom was obsessed with. "I'm sorry I didn't hear you over my partner's girlish screams. They're so high-pitched that I can only hear dogs."
"That's not how that works, Shawn," the one with the girlish screams says. He stands up and a dozen paper footballs fall out of his lap. "Please, come in. You need a psychic?"
"I think so," you say. There's a stack of pineapples on every chair in the room, so you dubiously take a seat on an exercise ball that rolls to a stop near your feet.
"This is a safe space," the one with the nose says. "I'm psychic detective Shawn Spencer, and this is my partner, Beauregard Prendergast. Why don't you tell us about what's been keeping you up at nights?"
You give a little start. "How did you know -- "
Shawn raises a hand to his forehead. "Psychic."
"Right." You squirm on the exercise ball. It's under inflated and sags enough that you almost have a proper seat on it. You're pretty sure this makes it useless as an exercise ball. "Mr. Spencer, um -- " you look at the other man and hesitate.
"Please, call me Rolling Thunder," he says.
"Mr. Prendergast," you say firmly. "I don't know where else to go. I think my workplace is haunted."
"Ah," Shawn says. "I glean the problem immediately. If you will spare us for a moment while we confer incognito?"
"That's not what incognito means," Beauregard/Gus mumbles as Shawn pulls him all of two feet away.
"Man, that's what you want to focus on? Tic-Tacs?"
"Syntax."
"Haven't we done enough of these 'haunting cases'?" Shawn asks, undeterred. "They all go the same. The client says, 'Hey, psychic, there's this ghost, and also you have great hair.' And I say, 'No, there isn't, and yes why thank you, how observant of you.' And then you say 'Are you sure there isn't a ghost, Shawn? Because I already peed myself' -- "
"I do not pee myself, Shawn."
"Look, my point is, these cases all go the same, I think we should cut this one loose." Shawn looks back over his shoulder, as though to reassure himself that you're not listening. You give a half-shrug. You're not sure there's a polite way to say that you can hear everything they're saying. "It feels a little like a rerun."
"All right," Prender-gus grumbles. "I'd just as soon not deal with the occult. You know that malevolent spirits have it out for me."
They turn back to you in perfect unison.
"Here's the thing," Shawn says. "The spirits are telling me that there's no haunting, and you're perfectly safe. But have a nice day, don't let the door hit you on the way out, ett chettera, ett chettera."
Gus gives you a little half salute.
You stand up and take a step back toward the door, as much out of surprise at the suddenness of the brush off as anything else. This is not exactly great customer service.
But you decide there's something you need to say before you can leave the office.
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To insist that Shawn and Gus come to your workplace to investigate, go to Chapter 2.
To give up on the case, go to Chapter 3.