Chapter Text
Dr Jiminy: Now Gaston, is it true that you refuse to claim little Gemma here as your own?
*a video of Gemma pops up on screen*
Gaston: Yes, because she's not mine!
Crowd *boos and starts throwing stuff*
Crowd member 1: YOU SUCK!
Crowd member 2: YOU STINK!
Enchantress, Jumping up: THAT'S A LIE AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT! SHE HAS YOUR FACE! YOUR EYES!
Dr Jiminy: Ma'am calm down. Now, Gaston, why do you think Gemma isn't yours?
Gaston: cause no girl could be a child of Gastons! It's impossible! My family can only create boys!
*booing gets louder, gagging can be heard. Steam is coming off of the Enchantress*
Dr Jiminy in disbelief, waves a paper in the air: Well, this DNA test will prove whether or not that's correct. Drum roll please!
*drum roll starts*
3...
2...
1..
Dr Jiminy: Gaston..
*Gaston, arms crossed, looking smug*
Dr Jiminy: You ARE the father!
Crowd *starts screaming*
Gaston *jumps up* LIES! This is RIGGED!
Dr Jiminy: Now, Gaston, I understand that you're upset but--
Gaston *starts throwing chairs and destroying furniture *
Gaston Jr, backstage *Covers Gemma’s ears* So, who’s gonna tell him that the Enchantress’s little boy ain’t his?
Gaston Third *glares* No one.
Gaston Jr *rolls eyes* I was just kidding, sheesh.
Dr Jiminy : Queen Leah, is it true that upon seeing your 18 year old granddaughter's ex purpose to his new girlfriend, you said and I quote "A lifetime of plans. Gone. Our family status gone. Audrey, you were supposed to be his queen, and you let him slip through your fingers. Your mother could hold on to a prince in her sleep."
Crowd *gasps*
Queen Leah: yes but—
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
Person in the crowd: YOU STINK!
Dr Jiminy : Is it true that you gave your daughters the Cinderella treatment--
Drizella *stands up and starts yelling* No, That would be my bitch of a mother and MY children wouldn’t have had to work their childhood away if WE HADN’T BEEN SENT TO THE ISLE!
Dr Jiminy: Ma'am, calm dow-
Drizella *being held back by her husband, Hans* I AM CALM!
Dr Jiminy: Hello, all my crickets. Today we have two very special guests. Mulan..... and SHANG!
*Mulan and Shang enter from behind the curtains and take a seat on the couch*
Dr Jiminy *shakes their hands* How ya doing Shang? Mulan. Lovely to see you again. Now it's come to my understanding that you want to do a DNA test on your youngest, Lonnie?
Shang: That's right.
Mulan *nods*
Dr Jiminy: May I ask why that is? You both seem rather calm about this considering most people only come for DNA tests when the topic of cheating is involved.
Mulan: Oh no, we're not here because he thinks I cheated.
Shang: Which, for the record, I don't believe.
Dr Jiminy: oh?
Mulan: Yeah, we're actually here because we want to shut down the rumors and weirdness around people not believing that Shang is Lonnie's father.
Dr Jiminy: O-oh. *mutters* Well, that's a new one. *speaks up* Well, I have the results right here in this envelope. Are you ready?
Shang *grumbles* as ready as I'll ever be.
Mulan: More ready than I have ever been for anything else in my entire life.
*picture of Lonnie in her pjs in the kitchen, smiling pops up*
Dr Jiminy *opens the envelope * In the case of 16 year old, Li Lan-Lei (Lonnie), Shang.... you.. ARE THE FATHER!
Shang: I KNEW IT!
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!
Mulan: WE TOLD YOU SO!
Crowd *looks sheepish*
Dr. Jiminy: So, Mulan. Shang.
Mulan and Shang *exchange a tired look*
Dr. Jiminy *Doesn't notice and continues* We are here today so you can answer a very important question.
Shang *Impatient* Which is?
Dr. Jiminy: Why exactly did you name your kids Li Shang Jr and Lonnie instead of some more culturally appropriate names?
Mulan *side eyeing them* We did.
Dr. Jiminy *taken aback* What?
Shang *irritated* my wife said we did. Which you would know if anyone used their proper names.
Dr. Jiminy: What do you mean by that?
Mulan *also now irritated* Our children are named Shaiming and Lan-Lei. Not Li Shang Jr or Lonnie. That's just what their classmates and teachers call them.
Dr. Jiminy: Oh..
Shang *getting up* We're leaving now.
Dr. Jiminy: Wait. What—don't go—
Shang and Mulan *leave anyway*
Dr. Jiminy: Is it true that you and Yao's daughter, Yi-Min, was actually born out of an affair?
Princess Mei *starts crying due to personal reasons*
Crowd: ooo-
Yao *takes off his shoe and lungs at Jiminy Cricket* why you no good son of- *the shoe flies out of his hand, hitting the camera and causing it to turn off*
Dr Jiminy: Lady Tremaine, is it true that when you found out your grandson, Anthony, was dating Harriet, you called him a moron and her a hussy?
Lady Tremaine: It is and I would do it AGAIN!
*crowd gasps*
Harriet* runs out from behind stage* SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU BITCH!
Dr Jiminy: Uh oh. SECURITY!
Harriet *lunges*
Anthony *back stage, mortified and covering Dizzy's eyes* Note to self, never invite grandmother to Holiday gatherings.
Dr Jiminy: Now, Queen Aurora. King Philip. What do you have to say against the accusations that have been leveled against you by your daughter?
Philip, defensive: Okay, so we weren't the most attentive parents but we aren't neglective!
Aurora, quiet: Neglective is a rather strong word for it.
Dr Jiminy: Then what would you call *checks notes* only seeing your daughter during holidays and big royal events?
Philip *dryly* Being a busy royal.
Crowd *starts booing*
Philip *stands up* WHY ARE YOU BOOING ME? I'M RIGHT!
Aurora: She was with family!
Dr Jiminy *looking disappointed* that doesn't make you any less neglective for not playing a bigger part in her life. She's your only child.
Crowd *booing louder and start throwing things*
Dr Jiminy: Mr Clayton. Is it true that you shot at your son six times last month?
William Clayton: He's being a baby! It was only 3!I wouldn't waste that much amo on him in a month.
Clay *yelling from behind stage* You shot at me six times in one day once!
William: BECAUSE YOU WERE BEING ANNOYING! EVEN YOUR YOUNGER BROTHERS AREN'T THAT ANNOYING!
William's sister, Lady Waltham, busts out from behind the curtains: YOU WHAT?! I'LL KILL YOU!
William: oh shit *bolts*
Lady Waltham *chases him* GET BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT LIKE A MAN!
Dr Jiminy: Oh dear.
Cash Clayton, 10: Should we stop her? Could we even stop her?
Clay, 18: GO AUNT MANDY! GO! KICK HIS ASS!
Wilson 'Will' Clayton, 12: I'll take that as a no...
Narrator: Next time on Dr. Jimny, we will be finding out whether the rumors about Pinocchio and Alice's children are true—
*Photo of 13 year old Ally and 12 year old Pin flashes on screen*
—Whether or not Romeo 'Lampwick' Rossi, husband of Chief Tiger Lily, can be jealous and controlling—
*Audio-less video of Lampwick punching a guy flashes on screen*
—and whether or Queen Eilonwy Bluefairy of Llyr is cheating on her husband, Alexander Bluefairy, with Coach Reese Jenkins and her royal guard, Taran.
*Three separate photos of Queen Eilonwy with each of the aforementioned men flash on screen*
But until next time, this has been, Dr. Jiminy!
*Music starts playing* Guess who's back, guess who's back, Jiminy's back! Hey! *screen goes black*