Chapter Text
Toya lies on his bed, one arm dangling off the side, while the other holds his phone in front of his face. His screen illuminates Akito’s contact, he’s debating whether or not to call him or to just leave a text message and call it a night.
Vivid Bad Squad had a gig earlier that evening, and to say the least, it wasn’t their best performance. There wasn’t anyone in particular to blame, they all were slightly off their game. That being said, Toya couldn’t help but notice the lack of passion from Akito the whole night. It’s not like he’s upset about it, or mad that Akito ‘brought them down’, he’s more concerned.
There’s something unnerving about the way they left off their night. Sure, Akito was off during the performance, but there’s more to it. Not only did Akito not offer to have their usual post-performance sleepover, but he also didn’t seem bothered by the outcome of their efforts. Most of the time, Akito is quick to criticize himself, he gets upset over bad performances and immediately makes changes to improve. But today, he just… moved on.
Logically, this shouldn’t be concerning, to an outsider, it may seem like he’s gotten a grip on his emotions. But this is Akito, the boy with an unmatched sense of passion, who’s always striving to do better. It’s like there’s some sort of fire in him, constantly driving him forward. He’s almost too ambitious sometimes, Toya can’t even begin to count the number of times he’s had to beg Akito to take a break.
But these past couple of weeks, it’s as if his fire has been burning out. Watching Akito lose the spark that once defined him has been difficult for Toya, he can’t help but worry constantly about the well-being of his boyfriend.
Which is why he’s been staring at his phone for the last half hour. He doesn’t know what to say, he wants to check in on Akito, but he doesn’t want to be overbearing. He’s been on Akito’s ass a lot recently, but can you blame him, he doesn’t want to lose his partner.
Suddenly, three dots appear on the corner of his screen, indicating that Akito is typing.
They stop.
Then appear again.
He sits up, watching closely as the dots continue to appear and disappear. Anxiety pools in his stomach until finally a message comes through.
Akito <3:
i love you
Toya scrunches his eyebrows… that’s it? He expected more, part of him had been hoping Akito would open up, and invite him over so they could talk things over. He’s not disappointed though, the fact that Akito took time just to tell Toya he loves him is enough to make his heart flutter.
He quickly responds.
Toya:
I love you too! How has the rest of your night been?
He hopes to get a conversation started, maybe then he can ease into asking about the other's well-being without it being overwhelming.
He waits, hoping for those three dots to reappear, but they never do.
A feeling of uneasiness grows in his stomach with each minute that Akito doesn’t respond. Toya replied right away, why hasn’t Akito said anything else? He ends up turning off his phone and tossing it to the other side of the bed.
He needs to calm down, Akito probably went to brush his teeth or something. He doesn’t need to worry. He shouldn’t worry.
He curls up in a ball, side-eyeing his phone that happened to land face up on the other side.
Maybe he should double-text… no, Akito might have just fallen asleep, and the message was meant as a goodnight text. But it’s strange, Akito never texts like that. It’s not uncommon for him to express his love for Toya, but usually, there’s more than that. Usually, he’d complain about Ena, or talk about how he’s not tired even though it’s past his bedtime.
Toya’s panic only builds as he thinks about it, his mind starts to wander to all the possibilities and… oh.
His heart stops as his mind takes him back to an unwanted memory.
--------
“Hey Toya,” Akito started, looking up at Toya who was gently running his fingers through his orange locks.
“Hmm?” Toya hummed.
The two were sitting out in the grass of Akito’s backyard, cold air hit their face, but neither seemed to care. Akito’s head rested in Toya’s lap as the two of them watched the stars. It was peaceful, a perfect opportunity for them both to take a deep breath and escape the pressures of life.
“Do you ever feel like- you know…”
Toya tilted his head, encouraging Akito to continue.
“Umm..” Akito swallowed, “You know do you ever feel like things would be better if you just disappeared?”
The question hit Toya like a bus. What was Akito trying to say?
“Huh?”
“I don’t know,” he said while sitting up and turning to face the other. “Like, do things ever get too much and you just think ‘man I wish I could just like stop existing.’”
Toya froze, his eyes desperately searched Akito’s hoping to try and understand, try to decode what he was saying to him.
The tears that threatened to spill from Akito’s eyes told Toya everything he needed to know. His heart sank for a moment… does Akito want to disappear?
“I mean,” he swallowed, trying to find the right words. “It’s natural to think that sometimes… but I wouldn’t say it’s a prominent feeling of mine. I don’t want to die… if that’s what you’re trying to ask.”
“Hm,” Akito offered a small smile before preparing to lay back down, but Toya stopped him before he got the chance.
“What about you?”
“What?”
“There’s a reason you brought it up. Do you want to… you know, disappear?”
Akito paused, his eyes darting back and forth between Toya’s own as if he were trying to gauge his reaction. Toya held strong, his lips pressed together as he stared Akito down, waiting for an answer. Even though he didn’t like where this was headed, he wasn’t going to give up until he got an honest answer from him.
After a moment, Akito sighs, “I dunno... I guess sometimes I just really wish I was dead. I feel like… maybe it’d be better if I just-”
Toya’s heart dropped.
Hearing the love of your life admit they want to die is never easy.
“It’s not true,” he interjected, not wanting to hear the end of it. “It won’t be better, not at all Akito! If you died… I- I don’t know what I’d do… And Ena… she’d be destroyed too and An and Kohane- we all need you. Akito there’s so much to live for, you can’t-”
“Hey calm down,” Akito grabbed his shoulders, “I never said I was going to.”
Toya tried his best to take a deep breath, he didn’t want to panic, he wanted to remain calm to properly help Akito.
“But you said-”
“Yea… I think about it sometimes… doesn’t mean I’m gonna do it.”
“But you want to?”
“Look I didn’t bring this up to freak you out or anything. I’m sorry, let’s just drop it, okay?”
“No… Akito we can’t just move on from this,” Toya said as he threw his arms around the other, wrapping him in a tight embrace. “If this is something you're struggling with then I want to help you.”
“I’m sorry,” Akito responded, exhaling a shaky breath.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Toya pulled him closer until the other practically melted into his arms. He could tell that Akito was trying his best to withhold tears and he wasn’t about to let him get away with that. “It’s just me you know… you can cry.”
Without a moment's hesitation, Akito cried into Toya’s arms. No other words were exchanged, there was nothing left to be said. Toya stayed and held him as he poured all his emotions out.
-------
Toya quickly scrambles to his phone, picking it up and typing out another message.
Toya:
Hey, is everything okay?
He waits only thirty seconds before adding more.
Toya:
I don’t mean to be overbearing but I have a bad feeling.
Can you text me when you get a chance?
He waits and waits. Pacing around his room, trying his best to be patient. But the longer he waits with no reply, the more his mind begins to wander.
Toya:
I’m really worried now
Akito?
?????
Please answer
love please youre scaring me
did you fall asleep
can you text me when you wake up
Deciding that he won’t be able to sleep comfortably until he knows Akito is safe, Toya chooses to call him. He’d rather Akito be annoyed with him than spend the rest of the night worrying about him.
The phone rings for a while until it eventually goes to voicemail. Toya’s heart pounds as he calls again… and again.
After calling at least ten times, Toya decides to change his approach, instead pulling up Ena’s contact and calling her. He doesn’t even bother with a text, he’s filled with too much dread to wait any longer.
After a couple of rings, Ena picks up.
“Toya? What’s up?” She asks, very obviously confused.
“Akito… is he home? Did he fall asleep? Can you please tell me he’s safe? I’m really worried please… please check on him I want to make sure he’s okay-”
“Woah,” she cuts him off. “Slow down and take a deep breath, what’s going on?”
“It’s Akito,” He inhales sharply, trying to slow himself down so Ena can hear him properly. “He’s not answering my texts and with how tonight went- and everything that’s been going on… I’m just really worried.”
“Everything that’s been going on?”
“It- it’s not my place to say… just please tell me he’s okay.”
Ena releases a sigh, “I’ll be home in a few minutes, I’ll check on him then and update you okay?”
“Yeah… yeah that’s great, thank you, Ena. Just please tell him to text me too.”
“I will, don’t stress too much. He’s probably just sleeping, especially if he’s been cranky tonight.”
Cranky isn’t quite the word to describe it, but Toya decides not to correct her. He quickly thanks her again before hanging up the phone.
He only has to wait a few minutes, then he’ll be able to rest easy. In an attempt to distract himself, Toya pulls out his homework and gets to work with his phone resting right next to him. He leaves the ringer on but does his best to not check the time. Obsessing over every passing minute can’t be good for him.
But soon, a couple of minutes starts to feel a bit too long.
He picks up his phone and checks the time to find that thirty minutes have passed. And there are still no texts from either Shinonome.
He pulls up Ena’s contact again.
Toya:
Hey, I’m sorry to bother but have you made it home yet?
I’m really sorry it’s just been a while and I’m starting to worry again.
A couple of seconds pass before three circles pop up on the screen. They appear and disappear over and over again, much in the same way her brothers did only a few hours before.
Except this time, the bubbles disappear for good as her contact flashes on his screen. He quickly answers her call, bringing the phone up to his ear. The first sound he hears is a sob. It’s not just a cry, it’s more akin to a scream. As if someone had grabbed her heart and ripped it out.
“E-ena?” He hesitantly asks, his heart shattering with each cry that escapes her lips.
“I’m- I’m- so sorry-” She manages to say, strangled breaths separating each of her words.
“Ena… is- is Akito okay?”
“He… overdosed,” She cries out, almost unintelligible. “We’re at the hospital- I don’t… we don’t know if he’s gonna make it.”
He feels as though the world around him collapses. An overwhelming wave of sorrow washes over him, ripping at his chest.
“He… what? Ena please tell me you’re joking.”
Even though he heard what she said clearly, his brain doesn’t want to accept it. He’s convinced it’s all some sick prank and tomorrow he’ll be able to scold Akito for scaring him like this.
It can’t be real.
It can’t.
“I’m sorry Toya, I’m so so sorry, I’m-” she sucks in a breath. “I’m not lying- he’s- they’re trying their best, the doctors. But they-” Another gut-wrenching scream echoes through the line. “How did I not notice? He’s my brother and I-”
Toya listens as Ena breaks down on the other side of the phone. All the color has drained from his face. He’s in shock, unable to move, unable to speak. He just stands there as Ena’s cries ring through his ears.
He wants to wake up. He wants to wake up from this nightmare and hug Akito, hold him close, and tell him everything is gonna be okay. But he can’t wake up, because this isn’t a nightmare, this is reality.
Akito overdosed.
Akito attempted to take his own life, and it’s still unknown whether or not he succeeded.
But what about the future they promised each other?
------
“Seriously Toya?” Akito pouted, grabbing Toya’s arm and pulling him away from the glass.
“What is it dear?” Toya responded, withholding a laugh.
Akito crossed his arms, “Stop giving that stupid cat more attention than me.”
Unable to contain it anymore, Toya laughed, reaching his hand out and ruffling Akito’s hair.
“Hey! Stop that, you’re messing it up!”
“Are you seriously jealous of a cat?”
“Am not, I’m just annoyed that you’ve been ogling at it for the last twenty minutes,” He responded, patting his hair back into place.
“So you’re jealous?”
“Knock it off,” Akito swatted him on the arm before walking over to the glass deciding to get a look for himself. On the other side was an orange cat with beautiful green eyes gently pawing at the barrier that divides them. “What’s the big deal anyways?”
“Isn’t she adorable?”
“I mean… yeah-” Akito tried his best to ignore the fact that the cat somewhat resembled him.
“I want to adopt her, she could be our daughter,” Toya stated, watching as Akito flinched, almost falling forward and hitting his head on the glass.
“Seriously,” he turned around, a bright red blush painted his cheeks.
“Yeah.”
“Toya we’re high schoolers… we still live with our parents. There’s no way we could raise a cat.”
“It’s still fun to think about,” Toya sighed as he leaned against the wall. He smiled slightly, watching as Akito taps the glass in an attempt to play with the cat. “We’re definitely getting a cat in the future though.”
Akito froze once again.
“I want an orange one for sure, and I want it to be a girl.”
“Toya…” Akito cranked his head to the side, looking at Toya. “Are you trying to kill me?”
“No? I’m trying to talk about our future. What, are you allergic to cats?”
“Turn off the innocent act,” Akito growled.
Toya laughed again before kneeling next to him, looking back at the cat.
“Well, what do you say? Would you want to get a cat with me once we move out?”
“You think that far ahead?”
“You don’t?”
Akito shrugged and Toya’s heart sank.
“Why not?”
“I dunno- the future’s scary I guess.”
“Raising a cat with me is scary?”
“No! Ugh, you know what I mean…”
Toya did know what he meant. He knew Akito didn’t want to think about the future because he didn’t see a future for himself.
But Toya made it his goal to give Akito a future, and he wasn’t going to waste this opportunity to convince him to stick around for it.
“I’m not talking about the scary parts,” he started, grabbing Akito’s face and forcing him to make eye contact. “I’m talking about you and me. Once we graduate we’ll get an apartment, even if we can’t afford it I’ll convince my parents to help me pay.”
“Toya…”
“We’ll get a cat, an orange one, and raise her as our child. Actually no, we’ll get two, one cat would get lonely all by herself. Maybe even a dog.”
“Absolutely not.”
“Okay,” Toya giggled. “No dog… as of now. We’ll both kickstart our careers, whether it’s through university or otherwise. Oh yeah and did I mention, we’ve definitely already surpassed RAD WEEKEND at this point.”
Akito pulled away from Toya’s grasp and buried his face in his hands.
“And then after we save up enough money, we’ll move into a house. And… when it’s legal I want to marry you, oh and maybe we can even adopt kids-”
“Okay stop,” Akito winced as he stuck out a hand, successfully cutting Toya off. “Let’s just start with the cats, I feel like I’m gonna explode.”
“Okay then,” Toya smiled, extending his pinkie. “Just promise me that, okay?”
Akito stared at his pinkie for a moment, his eyes filled with fear and hesitation.
“Akito…?”
“Toya, I know what you’re doing.”
Toya’s stomach twisted.
“Please, Akito…” He didn’t know what to say, all he could do was plead. “Please. If not the cats, then promise me we’ll graduate together.”
Akito looked between Toya and the cat a few times before releasing a sigh and connecting their pinkies.
“Okay… we’ll move into an apartment and get cats or whatever.”
Toya released the breath he had been holding. His chest filled with glee, maybe he could convince Akito of their future.
“See, it’s not so scary.”
------
Toya’s lungs burn as he runs towards the hospital. He’s never been athletic, but the adrenaline is enough to keep pushing him as he makes his way to the hospital.
By the time he reaches the doors, he’s unable to catch his breath. But he doesn’t let that stop him from making his way to the front desk, begging them to tell him where Akito is. The lady behind the counter makes a quick call before giving Toya the room number.
Before he knows it, he’s standing in the hallway, standing in front of Ena who’s curled into her arms sobbing. Akito’s parents are sitting on a bench only a couple of feet away, but neither of them acknowledges him. Their faces are drained of any color except for the dark red that circles their eyes. They both remain completely still, eyes fixed on the wall in front of them as they hold each other's hands.
Toya directs his attention back to the girl in front of him, her chest constantly rising and falling, each inhale being accompanied by a tremor.
He can’t breathe, his chest feels hollow, as if there’s nothing there. No heart, no lungs. Nothing.
“E-Ena?” He calls out.
Her head shoots up, finally acknowledging his presence.
“Toya…” She responds, only to start sobbing again. This time, however, she wraps her arms around his center and cries into his stomach.
He quickly reciprocates the hug, his own tears soon joining hers.
“Is… he gonna be okay?”
She takes a deep breath, trying to calm her rapid breathing before responding to him. “We don’t know yet… they’re in operation still.” She pulls back, allowing Toya to step aside and take a seat next to her.
“Do you think-”
“I don’t know…” She rests her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry Toya- I’m”
“It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself.”
“It’s hard not to…”
“I know.”
“You shouldn’t either.”
“Huh?”
“Blame yourself. Don’t”
But, oh, how could he not? He knew. He knew Akito was struggling and he did nothing. If only he’d done something sooner, if only he’d paid more attention, if only he had run to Akito’s house instead of sitting around and waiting for a response, if only-
“Did you hear me?” Ena asks, pinching his arm gently.
“Oh… um yeah- I’ll try not to.”
She takes a few more deep breaths, finally gaining full control over her breathing. They sit in silence for a minute, both trying to wrap their heads around the situation while providing as much comfort as they can for the other.
“Oh yeah,” Ena whispers before sitting up and grabbing her bag. She pulls out an envelope and holds it out to him. “It’s for you.”
On the envelope is Toya’s name, written in Akito’s messy and uneven handwriting.
His heart shatters.
This wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment thing… Akito planned this.
With a trembling hand, he reaches out and pushes the envelope away from him.
“Why not?” Ena questions, slipping it back into her bag. “Don’t you wanna see what he has to say to you?”
“He’s not dead,” Toya says through his cries. “I’m not reading that because he’s not dead… he can tell me what he wants to say when he wakes up.”
Ena stares at him for a second, her lips quivering. “I want to believe he’s going to make it too, but-”
“Shut up.”
“Toya…”
“He’s gonna be okay.”
He sounds more like he’s trying to convince himself. Believing that Akito’s going to be okay is the only thing keeping him from having a full-blown meltdown in the hallway.
Akito will wake up, and Toya will yell at him, and shower him in kisses and love and he’ll give him so many pancakes. Anything Akito wants Toya will give him.
He just has to live.
“You know… I read the letter he wrote me. I- umm, I didn’t want to read it at first for the same reason as you. I thought reading it would be accepting that he’s dead.”
“So why did you?”
“Curiosity got the best of me,” she sighs. “I wanted to see what he truly wanted to say. His real feelings. I wanted him to yell at me, tell me all the things I’ve done wrong, all the ways I’ve hurt him. Tell me it’s my fault and I’m a terrible sister,” She begins choking on her cries once again.
“Did he?”
“No…” She turns to him, “He told me he loved me… and that he couldn’t ask for a better sister.”
Toya’s hand grips his chest, trying to pull away the pressure that’s weighing it down.
“Isn’t it awful… I’ve been so terrible to him. I’ve pushed him away and called him terrible things and- hurt him. Yet he still… in his last words he told me he loved me. I don’t deserve that.”
“You do.”
“No- no I don’t. I- he should have told me off, told me I need to change. It’s not fair. It’s not fair at all!”
Swallowing the lump in his throat, Toya opens his arms once again, allowing Ena to fall into his hold.
“He said that because he means it, and when he wakes up… the two of you can talk it out.”
“If he wakes up.”
“He will.”
They remain like that for the next two hours. Waves of tears come and go as they talk each other through every emotion.
The door to Akito’s room finally opens and a doctor walks out, making his way to Akito’s parents. The three talk for a while before both parents stand up and make their way towards the room.
“Mom,” Ena calls before they leave. “Is he-”
Her mom walks over, gently patting her head. “He made it through the procedure,” she smiles, “He’s still unstable so they have to keep a close eye on his vitals, but we can visit now. It’s two at a time so you two can go see him after us okay?”
Relief washes over Toya.
He survived.
Akito’s still alive.
Ena’s face stretches into a smile, “Is he awake?”
“No… he’s in a coma, and there’s no guarantees yet. But his hearts still beating.”
Toya and Ena look at each other before breaking into a fit of hugs and smiles.
“I told you,” Toya remarks. “Akito’s strong… of course he made it.”
Ena chuckles, pulling Toya in for another hug. This time, the cries they share are tears of joy.
After what feels like forever, his parents exit the room, allowing the two others to step inside, but Ena doesn’t follow. She insists that Toya should get some time alone with Akito.
He’s thankful to her for that.
He enters the room, eyes immediately falling on the boy with orange hair lying on the bed. The sight pains Toya, he looks so dull. Maybe it’s the dim hospital lighting, or maybe it’s because he’s been drained of all his life. Whatever it is, Toya makes it his goal to restore that color to Akito, and give him his vibrancy back.
He kneels down next to the bed, a hand quickly coming to grab Akito’s own.
Toya flinches because Akito’s hands are cold. Usually, he’s a walking heater but now-
“Akito,” he cries, pressing a kiss into his knuckles. His eyes catch sight of the red lines that paint Akito’s arms.
He remembers when he first saw those lines.
-------
“HAHAH… Akito stop it,” Toya cried out.
Akito was sitting on top of him, his weight prevented Toya from escaping while his hands teasingly tickled his sides. Toya couldn’t breathe he was laughing so hard.
“What’s the magic word,” Akito said, as he moved his hands up to tickle under Toya’s arms.
“Please,” he gasps for air, the sound of laughter fills the room. “Please… ahaha, please stop! Stop!”
Akito halted his movement for a second, “Or what?”
Toya managed to catch his breath for a second. “Or no more kisses for you.”
“Aw man,” Akito pouted while moving back and allowing the other to sit up. He still remained on the other's lap, not allowing him to fully get up and escape. “You’re no fun.”
Once he collected himself, Toya reached out, squeezing Akito’s face between his palms. “And you’re mean.”
“Am not,” Akito said through squished lips.
Toya stole the opportunity, leaning in and kissing Akito. They both immediately melted into the kiss, lips slotting perfectly against one another. Akito’s hands moved up, landing on Toya’s and keeping them in place as the kiss deepened. His feet wrapped around the other pulling him in closer so they were sitting chest to chest, lips to lips. Toya couldn’t ask for anything better.
Needing air, Toya pulled back, admiring the way Akito’s face scrunched into a pout at the loss of contact.
He pulled his hand off his cheek, instead grabbing Akito’s hand that was holding it in place. He brought Akito’s wrist to his mouth, placing a gentle kiss on his pulse point… and that’s when he noticed it.
Akito’s sleeve had fallen, revealing his arm painted in red lines, some darker than others.
Toya paused, staring at those lines, his brain working to understand what they meant. Akito seemed to take note of this, following his line of sight and immediately pulling away, tugging his sleeve back over his arm.
“Akito… what was-”
“Nothing. Don’t worry about it,” He stated, hopping off of Toya’s lap and getting off the bed.
“Akito wait-” Toya reached out, grabbing Akito’s arm, which he immediately regretted because of how the other flinched at the contact. “What happened?”
“I told you… nothing, just some mean old cat,’ Akito responded, avoiding his gaze.
Toya stood up, walking around to stand in front of him. “Look- I won’t force you to tell me anything, but… “ He stared at his arm. “That didn’t look good. And… as your boyfriend and partner… I just- I wish you’d rely on me more. I want to help you so,” Toya had to stop himself, if he had said any more, the waterworks would have made their appearance. And this wasn’t about him, it was about Akito.
Akito groaned, falling back onto the bed. “I’m sorry, I don’t- I don’t mean to push you away… It’s just not easy.”
“I-I know. But, you can take your time,” Toya sat next to him. “Tell me whatever you want, whenever you want.”
“I don’t want to burden you with this.”
“You’re never a burden.”
A long sigh escaped Akito’s throat as he grabbed Toya’s hand, fidgeting with it. “What do you want to know?”
“Did you… do that to yourself?”
A nod.
“Why?”
A shrug.
“Do you… get the urge to do that often?”
“Every now and then.”
Toya pressed a kiss into his temple, a simple action meant to express his love. “You can always talk to me when you feel that way.”
“Thanks…”
“I mean it, if you ever feel the need to… hurt yourself… please call me. We can talk or go do something fun or-”
“I don’t deserve you.”
Toya frowned, “Yes you do.”
“What makes you say that?”
“You would do the same for me, wouldn’t you.”
Akito thought for a second, his lips pressed together in a thin line before finally turning upwards into a small smile. “Yeah, I would.”
“Good,” Toya kissed his temple again. “We’re partners, we have each other's back no matter what. So please, call me when you need me.”
------
“Why didn’t you call me?” He cries into the Akito’s hand. “Why? I need you! So why are you trying to leave me?”
He sobs, head resting next to Akito’s still figure. It’s creepy to see Akito, the boy who refuses to take a break, the boy who’s always pushing his limits, lying so still.
“Please just wake up soon. I need you.”
He holds his hand, hoping a miracle can happen, like they do in the movies. Hoping that when he squeezes, Akito will squeeze back. He’ll wake up and Toya will tackle him in a long hug.
But this isn’t a movie.
Akito’s body doesn’t react to his words or his touch. .
“I love you,” he whispers. “I love you so much.”
He keeps whispering it like it’s a spell that will magically wake him up. He begins to recite his future plans to Akito and talk about their apartment and their cats. He also talks about the stars, that were so clear last night, that they should have watched them together. But it’s okay, they’ll have plenty of opportunities for that again.
He talks and he talks, just hoping that Akito can hear him.
A sudden noise catches his attention. It’s a long, drawn-out beep, one you hear in many tragic movies.
His eyes dart up, catching onto a machine with a solid line drawn out across it.
Huh?
Toya looks back and forth between the machine and his partner, his partner whose chest is no longer rising and falling.
“Akito…” His breathing quickens, “Hey… Akito, no… no this isn’t funny. Akito knock it off.”
He reaches up, hand touching Akito’s face, gently rubbing at his cheek. “Akito… please.”
He looks at his lips, the lips that were once constantly moving. Whether they were singing or eating or kissing Toya. Now they were still, not even moving to make way for air coming in and out.
“No… no no please,” Toya reaches out hitting the emergency button. “Akito come on, wake back up, you can’t… come on please. Please Akito.”
At this point he’s screaming, leaning directly in front of Akito’s face, trying to get through to him.
“I need you Akito, I need you. Don’t do this to me. Don’t-“
Suddenly, doctors run into the room, getting to work and screaming words that Toya can’t understand. Every noise goes in one ear and out the other. He’s too busy holding Akito’s hand, pleading with him.
“Akito! Akito stop it please, Akito wake up. Please. You were doing fine, what- why are you? Akito listen to me please.”
He begs and he pleads until strong hands grab him, attempting to pull him out of the room.
“NO-” he shouts, fighting the people trying to pull him away. He refuses to let go of Akito’s hand, even as multiple nurses surround him, trying to separate them.
“Please no- let me stay with him. Don’t… don’t take me away please!”
He kicks and screams, causing a commotion, but he doesn’t care. He left Akito alone once and he doesn’t want to do it again. He won’t let it end like this. It can’t end like this.
After a long fight, the nurses manage to pull him away. As he’s being dragged off, doctors step in the way, flooding his vision and blocking the view of his partner.
Once he’s finally out, the door closes once again creating a barrier between him and Akito. He wants to run to it, knock it down, and yell at those doctors to bring him his Akito back.
But, an arm stops him. Ena wraps around him again, crying into his shoulder.
“What happened?” She asks, almost too quiet for him to register.
“I-” he swallows, “I don’t know… I thought- I thought he- just… out of nowhere-” Toya can’t bring himself to finish the sentence.
Ena holds him, squeezing tight, “It’s okay Toya, he’ll be okay. The doctors are going to help him.”
He swallows, his chest aches. He feels as if someone reached into his heart and ripped out a chunk of it. He feels empty, like a huge part of him is missing.
“N-no Ena… I don’t think,” He feels himself growing sick.
He wants to run.
But where can he run? Akito was his safe space. The person he could always turn to even when things were at their worst.
But nothing in his life had ever hurt as much as this. And now he has nowhere to run.
Their future faded right before his own eyes.
“He’s gone Ena,” Toya cries out. “He’s gone.”
On the other side of the door, a flame dies out.
----
Dear Toya,
I know you probably hate me right now. You were always there for me, picking me up when I fell down and reassuring me when things didn’t go my way. I know how badly you wanted me to stay… and I’m sorry. I tried, for you, I tried my hardest. That future you always talked about sounded so nice, I was almost convinced to stick around for it, you’re very convincing. I’m sorry for breaking our promise, I really am. I just don’t think I can do this anymore. I love you, with my whole heart. If there was anything that kept me here as long as I stayed, it was you. I still remember the first day we met. I heard your singing from around the corner, and something in me told me to approach you. I don’t regret it, not one bit. Each moment I spent with you are my most precious memories. You were my everything. So thank you, for singing with me, for laughing with me, for yelling at me, and for sticking with me even when I was being a piece of shit. I know this is going to be hard on you, and I already feel terrible about that. But, if there’s one final wish I have, it’s that you’ll move on and live the beautiful life you deserve. You’re so talented Toya, so beautiful and perfect in every way. I still find it hard to believe that a man as amazing as you even ever gave me the time of day. So I want you to live the future you deserve and find your happiness. Oh, and don’t forget to surpass RAD WEEKEND for me. I know you can, I picked you as my partner for a reason. You have a bright future ahead of you, don’t waste it.
I love you so so so much.
Love,
Akito
(p.s don’t blame yourself, please.)