Archive of Our Own

CLANG!

With a last swing of their sword, Narinder went down. He squirmed and wailed, almost a little too much in pain for the Lamb’s comfort. They waited. 

One second.

Two seconds.

Three seconds.

And just as they expected, Narinder’s form breaks and changes; Reducing to that of a mortal. They let out a sigh, relieved. They took a few seconds to breathe, adrenaline rushing through their veins, along with the realization that they had actually won. They had defeated their god . But he was fine, so they needn’t worry. They needn’t worry. For a second they almost believed they had actually caused him some form of permanent harm. Well, aside from mortality , if you’d consider it harm. 

For him , at least, they knew it’d be.

He’ll adjust . I’m certain. They assured themselves, as they approached him cautiously. Narinder simply laid there, unmoving. He was probably still processing what was going on. Oh well.

“Heeeeey Nari!” They chirped. No response. Huh. “Everything alright down there?” They knelt to his level and extended a hand towards him, lightly poking his back. They tilted their head, humming. Slowly, they turned him around—

And jumped back with a yelp, as three red eyes stared back at them. But their god— ex -god, didn’t move. The Lamb went back to his side, waving their hand above his eyes. He blinked—out of sync, interesting—,but nothing else. “Nari, can you hear me? Nariiiii? Narindeeer? O’ great god of death? Big cat?” Silence. The Lamb carefully— gently —pulled him into their arms, examining him a little closer. He…seemed to be in some weird shell-shocked state. Oh well, it wasn’t the first time they came across this. Some of their followers had been just the same when they first arrived; But a nice cup of tea and some warm clothes was usually enough to get them back to reality.

Still…

“Bah, is me taking the crown really too much to bear for you?” They asked, as they looked around, noticing that their followers were in fact still hanging from crosses—Right. They should probably deal with that. “…Alright, I’m gonna send you back to the cult now, okay? It’ll just take a second so don’t worry! Ready?” They pretended his silence meant a yes. 

“One, two, three!” Glowing glyphs traced themselves on the ground, as it opened and swallowed Narinder back into the cult grounds. The Lamb smiled to themselves, and clasped their hands. As they did, the ropes holding their followers to the crosses loosened, and their flock surrounded them, celebrating their victory over The One Who Waits. It didn’t feel too much like a victory, in their opinion. They were hoping for something a little more…exciting? A part of them sort of expected him to yell at them, curse them, maybe even mock them for choosing mercy. Yet they also secretly hoped that after all of that yelling he would collapse into their arms—

…They’re going off-track. But it’s alright, they’d have time to think about it later. For now they just had to focus on getting the flock back to safety. Yes, they’d deal with it later. He’s probably just shocked. They thought, as they prepared for another teletransportation ritual. 

It’ll pass.

But three months later, he was still in the same state. 

“Nari?” The Lamb knocked on the door of the ex-god’s hut. “Do you mind if I come in?” As usual, there was no response. The Lamb sighed, turning the knob and making their way in anyways.

Over the past weeks, they had made multiple attempts at drawing a reaction out of him, but none had worked. Still, they remained calm. They had passed by some nearby towns during their last few crusades, and managed to ask some of the local doctors for advice on what to do. Naturally, they skipped all the details regarding Narinder’s past godhood status, as they didn’t want any of the doctors to freak out.

( They didn’t skip details with the first one they talked to. That didn’t go too well. )

“Hey.” They said, making their way to the chair he was sitting on today. The Lamb pulled a little stool to its side and plopped down beside him with a little smile. “Still not feeling chatty, hmm?” They reached for his hands, taking them into their own and rubbing small circles in his palms with their thumbs—The doctors had said something about that being helpful to him—“Sorry for being gone for so long—One of our followers, Deya, she wanted crystals to decorate her daughter’s room. Crystals. Can you believe it?” They chuckled. “They’re already so hard to come across and she still asks for a bunch like it’s nothing! But Deya…she’s already so frail and I knew that if I didn’t agree she would just go herself…and what kind of leader would I be if I allowed that? So anyways…”

The Lamb kept on talking, while their gaze remained on Narinder’s hands. This had been their routine for a while now; They’d check on Narinder on the morning, help get him out of bed—they figured he didn’t need to eat as often as normal followers, so it wasn’t as much of a problem as they thought it’d be—, tell him about their plans for the day, go give the morning sermon, do their usual daily duties, check on him again on the night, tell him about their day, help him to bed, and wish him sweet dreams; as always, hoping the next day he would come to, and not just “wake”. Sometimes they’d bring him along for a walk around the cult grounds. They’d normally get a couple curious stares from their followers, but they didn’t mind. He couldn’t just stay locked up in his hut forever. They’d walk around together, and they’d tell him all about their latest crusade, of the weird things their followers had been up to, or anything, really. 

They didn’t tell him how often they thought about him. They didn’t tell him how they saw the flowers, the sea, the jostle of the crowds, the towns, the rain, and the first thing they thought was how much he would like it. They didn’t tell him how badly they wanted to show him all these things. They’d think about telling him. Really, really think about it–And then they’d simply keep it to themselves. 

Because it wouldn’t be fair to him, would it?

The Lamb looked at Narinder, searching his gaze with theirs. “...But luckily all of that had been dealt with when I was back. Sorry I wasn’t able to check on you in the morning. Hopefully you didn’t feel too lonely without my company. Bah-ha!”

Because I do.

Narinder didn’t meet their gaze. The Lamb’s smile faltered slightly.

…I really do. 

A god shows itself before the Lamb.

Well, a merchant, as they referred to themselves. 

They showed themselves to the Lamb, scolding them for their actions–mind you, actions they did in the name of their Ex-God–, and demanded they give peace to the Bishops of the Old Faith, since apparently someone had decided it wasn’t enough with having his siblings killed, but that they should suffer their deaths in purgatory over and over again, too. So now it was their job to set things straight, as the new God of Death. 

That cat! The Lamb thought, as they made their way back to the cult grounds. If he wasn’t in his current state they’d already be pounding at his door, demanding an explanation. They entertained the idea for a while. How would he react? He’d probably laugh at them. Say this is what they get for being greedy or whatever. Or maybe he’d be just as shocked as they were. Either way, they would probably drag him out of his hut and along with them to crusade and free his siblings. This mess was both their faults anyways, so it would only be right. 

They decided they liked that idea, and knocked on his door. 

As usual, there was no response. The Lamb sighed, and brushed away their previous fantasies as they slowly pushed the door open. “Nari? I’m coming in.” Narinder was sitting at the little desk they had brought in some weeks prior, his back facing them. The Lamb pictured him reading–perhaps a scroll. Or a book. It didn’t matter–, intentionally ignoring their presence in the room even as they sat beside him–but they knew that was not the case.  Narinder simply sat there, hands on his lap and gaze set on nothing. The Lamb rested their head on their hands, looking at him. 

“You really caused a big mess, huh.” They started, and poked his cheek with one of their fingers. “Now I kinda get why Kallamar was so scared of getting killed. I bet he knew what you were planning. Why didn’t you tell me?” Well, of course he didn’t. It wasn’t exactly too much of their business what he did to his siblings. Family problems and all that, was what they guessed. It had all made a lot more sense once Shamura had told them the truth–Facing betrayal by your own siblings doesn’t sound nice at all. Neither does it sound like something you’d expect. Your own family–Against you. “And moreso, how come I can't just–Access purgatory and take them out? How come I have to crusade again? That’s not fair! What if it takes a bunch of centuries, like the first time?”

Would you be here , then? Would you respond to me when I call your name?

Oh. They remembered when they first learnt his name. They had repeated it a bunch of times, to make sure they had the pronunciation right. 

Na-rin-der. Narinder. That's an interesting name. 

They guessed no one had spoken it in centuries, he seemed a little surprised the first time they addressed him with it. Yet he didn’t stop them. Not the first time, not the second time, nor any of the times that came after. They wondered if he would mind the nickname they had been using for a while now.

“Nari.” They tilted their head to the side a little, poking him some more. “Narinder, are you listening to me?” He wasn’t. They knew. Yet they still pressed forward. “I’ll start going on crusades more often. I won’t be able to check on you much. I’ll miss you, y’know?” 

I already miss you. I miss you so much. Please, say something.

They pulled their hand back, and sighed. They felt his gaze on them, intense. Yet they knew he wasn’t really seeing them. “It’s getting late. You should probably get some sleep. C’mon, I’ll help you to bed.” They stood up from the chair they were sitting at, and carefully reached for Narinder’s arm and back, giving him a gentle push so he would stand. He complied, as always, and the Lamb walked him to his bed, making a mental note to get him some new blankets–perhaps more comfortable ones. Maybe some candles, too. Under normal circumstances he would’ve probably rejected all of their gifts. Maybe even break them apart to stop them from giving him more. 

And they would’ve chosen that a thousand times over this.

 “I spoil you too much” The Lamb muttered, giving him a little pat on the head. Narinder’s gaze remained on theirs. They didn’t dare meet it. They helped him down, and walked back to the door. 

“Goodnight, Nari.” They exited his hut, feeling his gaze on their back. 

They didn't turn around until they had reached their own tent and shut the curtains close behind them.

The Lamb struck down Leshy, expecting him to die a second time, yet his form broke and changed, reducing to that of a mortal.

But instead of laying on the ground quietly, Leshy screamed.

The Lamb struck down Heket, and she wailed as her frame changed and shifted into a mere mortal’s body.

But instead of remaining quiet when they called her name, Heket tried to curse them–and broke into a coughing fit instead.

The Lamb struck down Kallamar, fixing their arm back into place as his body fixed itself into a smaller version of what it previously was.

But instead of remaining unmoving when they poked his back, Kallamar jolted onto his feet and backed away.

At last, they got to Shamura, striking them down with impatience, and they remained quiet, as they were reduced to nothing more than a mortal.

But instead of staring off into space when they looked at them, Shamura stared back. 

Narinder’s siblings adapted fairly quickly to their new lives.

They still complained, from time to time. But they didn’t cause much trouble. Leshy had made a friend–A farmer. The Lamb wondered how he was able to somehow weather the storm that Leshy was. Heket had settled into the kitchens, certainly having more ability that the Lamb would’ve expected. They had tried to oppose at first, but Heket had simply given them a silent glare, which the Lamb understood as a “Fuck off”. So they did. Kallamar had become…popular among some of the cultists. They didn’t know it, but apparently, he had been quite the charmer back in his days as a god. Now, at least 3 of the cultists seemed to be planning to ask him to marry them sometime this week. Yikes. And Shamura…

“Your cruelty surprises me, Lamb”

They were quite the problem.

The Lamb simply sighed. They guessed this was, unfortunately, one of those days where Shamura actually knew what was going on around them. “I don’t know what you are talking about, spider” A lie. They were perfectly aware. And they were not about to have this conversation again. They couldn’t .

“How many more times will you have to stand at his door to realize you cannot undo what has already been done? How much longer will your back remain turned away from the truth?” Shamura continued, following them down the path that led to Narinder’s hut.

Back when they first brought the Bishops back, the Lamb had tried to bring them along to see Narinder. As expected, they all refused. All but Shamura, who seemed to pick up on their fidgety behavior, and followed them to his hut. 

Shamura had been careful with Narinder, at least. More than the Lamb would’ve expected them to. At first, they thought they were going to scold him, speak to him with coldness and resentment. Yet they didn't. Shamura’s gaze fell on Narinder, where he sat on his bed, and they sighed, approaching him and kneeling in front of him. They spoke to the cat in quiet words, yet just like all of the Lamb’s previous attempts, it bore no fruit. Yet Shamura seemed to be expecting nothing different. They stood up, and wrapped their arms around their brother, hugging him. 

The Lamb had looked away from the pair then, knowing that, under normal circumstances neither of them would’ve allowed such a thing to happen.

However after that, every time Shamura came back to their senses, they would pester the Lamb about their choices. Their words hung heavy in the Lamb’s head, even with how much they tried to tune them out.

“A mind like his can’t possibly be held inside a mortal body. By keeping him like this you are only prolonging his suffering, Lamb. A prisoner of his realm no more–but of his own mind. Thanks to you.” They could tell Shamura spoke from a position of genuine worry over their brother, yet couldn’t help but still feel bothered by their words. They walked fast behind them, refusing to leave them alone.

“I understand your concerns, Shamura. But I assure you, I’ll find a solution to this” And how they tried. Yet nothing had worked so far. They were starting to run out of options, and with them, their desperation grew. 

“There is no solution, Lamb” Shamura insisted, stopping beside them, in front of Narinder’s door. “You know what needs to be done.”

Their hands closed into fists.

They did. But not yet. Not yet. There were still some options left. And they could wait. They could wait for centuries if they had to. Millennia. 

“Make peace Lamb. Bring him rest.”

Their fist landed on Shamura’s face before they could stop it. And then again, and again. Shamura’s siblings had to pull them away from the spider, who seemed to have reversed to their usually disoriented state and was now shivering on the ground, probably not even knowing what was going on. 

At least they didn’t bother them again after this event.

“You two, come with me.”

“Absolutely not!”

“Aym…”

“Please. It’s about Narin—your master. I need your help.”

“Master? What did you do to him?”

“I didn’t—I’ll explain. But for now, follow me. This way”

“Hold up! You walk too fast!”

“Where are we even going?”

“His hut. Come on in.”

“His…Master!”

“Master! Are you alright?”

“…”

“Master? Can you hear me? Master? Damned Lamb! What did you do to him?!”

  “That’s what I’ve been trying to find out. He’s been like this ever since I brought him back. I wanted to try and see if he had any reaction to you two”

“Oh…”

“It’s like his mind isn’t even here…Master? Blink twice if you can hear me.”

“What are you doing Baal? That’s so stupid!”

“I was just trying something! We don’t know what’s going on! For all we know his mind could be anywhere! Maybe his soul shattered!”

“Well yes I know that! But there are other methods we can use instead of this!”

“…Poor master—And after waiting for so long. What could we possibly do?”

“Perhaps a ritual? Do we even know if it’d work?”

“It could make things worse.”

“But Master…”

“Listen. Let’s not freak out. We can always—Aym! Stop poking him!”

“I was just thinking maybe if we annoyed him he would react!”

“He won’t! Look, clearly this is a case of the mind being separated from the body. We ought to find the mind. Or a way to call it back.”

“What if it isn’t even here anymore? Or it moved on?”

“I don’t think he’d do that so easily…”

“Then where is it? I don’t think he’d just abandon his body that quickly.”

“Perhaps it was damaged in some way during the battle—huh? What was—Hey! Lamb! Come back!”

“Where are you going?!”

The Lamb didn’t even realize the moment they exited the hut. They simply walked. And kept walking. They passed by their tent. And walked on.

Perhaps it was damaged in some way during the battle!

No, no, they couldn’t have done this.

A prisoner of his realm no more–but of his own mind. Thanks to you.

The Lamb squeezed their eyes shut, shaking their head. Keep walking. Just keep walking.

He squirmed and wailed, almost a little too much in pain for the Lamb’s comfort. 

And they remembered, the look he had before they delivered the killing blow, the panic in his gaze as he realized he wouldn’t be able to avoid the next hit—

Almost a little too much in pain for—

They tripped. They fell down. They didn’t stand up. The Lamb remained on the ground quietly, palms closing around handfulls of grass. “I didn’t mean for this to happen” they whispered to no one. “It wasn’t me” Silence.

“It wasn’t me ”

The Lamb didn’t visit Narinder for a couple days. Yet they continued to search for a solution, this time with the help of his disciples. They kept thinking about what Shamura had said to them–no longer able to try and find solace in the possibility of it just being nonsense. Something had happened, and it was very likely to have been their fault. And they would’ve been able to accept that, because, if they had done it, then surely, they could reverse it, right?

No. Even with the help, it felt as if they just kept getting farther and farther away from the answer, every lead took them to a dead-end, and the mere idea of all of this being caused by them, and that they couldn’t fix it, was something the Lamb simply could not deal with. 

Time. Maybe he just needs time.

But how long? How long?

They found themselves at his door again, after another long day without results. It was late, and everyone else was asleep. Narinder, too. But awake or asleep, his reaction to them would still be the same. The lamb sighed, and carefully pushed the door to his hut open. Leading a cult had become far more exhausting ever since they brought Narinder back. 

Maybe, because they didn’t have anything else to look forward to.

They stopped. No, they did. They had eternity. They just needed Narinder to come to, and everything would be just perfect. They would wait. He had waited too, hadn’t he? 

How long had it been again?

“It’s not fair, you know?”

They settled at the foot of his bed, words clearly directed to the one sleeping, but aware they would fall on deaf ears. If they thought hard enough, they could imagine him just sleeping normally, perhaps even waking up as the Lamb began talking. He would probably be freaked out. Who were they kidding? Anyone would’ve been freaked out. Under normal circumstances–

But these were not normal circumstances, so they kept talking.

“This shouldn’t have happened” They continued, gaze fixed on their own lap. “I was supposed to bring you back here safe and sound. I was supposed to have taken you fishing. You like fish. You always gave back the most gold for it. It was your favorite offering.” 

Yes, during the first week of him being back they had tried giving him a very fancy dish with different kinds of fish, thinking that maybe his favorite food would help him snap back to reality. It didn’t. But they didn’t give up. They kept trying for the next 5 days– until they realized they starting to run low on seafood, so they stopped.

“There are so many things I want to show you. You wouldn’t believe how much the world has changed since you were locked away. You would’ve loved it. It’s not fair.” And not just to them. It wasn’t fair to him. He had already been imprisoned for long enough. “And you. You were supposed to get better. You were supposed to be here.”

They turned to Narinder, hands clenched into fists “I wouldn’t have cared if you were angry at me. You could’ve yelled at me all you wanted, you could’ve torn your walls apart, you could’ve tried to divert the faith of my followers. You could’ve tried to take the crown back for yourself, over and over. And I wouldn’t have minded. I wouldn’t have minded at all.” The Lamb felt their vision starting to get blurry, squeezing their eyes in an attempt to clear it. “Even if you tried to pick fights with me, or stab me in my sleep or– I don’t know, poison my food–It would’ve been okay. Because then–You’d at least be doing something . Gods, even if you just gave me the cold shoulder and never spoke to me again–I would understand! And maybe…maybe you’d eventually give up…because…because there’s no one else…”

No one else who cares like I do.

“Is this some…sick, messed up way of punishing me for my actions?” They chuckled. Maybe it was. Maybe this was his way of saying ‘fuck you’. By keeping from them the one thing they wanted more than anything. But even then–

“Haven’t I suffered enough, yet?” They whispered. “I never asked for this. I never asked for any of this. I thought something good was finally going to happen. Why can’t I get to have something nice for once, why?” They felt their throat burn, words threatening to come spilling out. But they couldn’t say them, it wouldn’t be fair to—

“You were supposed to stay with me! I was finally going to stop being alone! You said it once, didn’t you? Eternity, It’s maddening—“ they breathed in, and exhaled, shoulders shaking. “I don’t- I don’t want to be alone. I can’t. I really can’t” the words bubbled out before they could really think to stop them, as they felt their chest tighten, vision clouded by tears now rolling down their cheeks. Narinder stirred, but didn’t wake. The Lamb fell quiet for a couple seconds, looking down again. “This is maddening…you’re so cruel. I should’ve just given the crown back to you back then, shouldn’t I? It would’ve all been so much simpler…But I—I didn’t want to let go just yet. Can you really blame me? Can you blame me for wanting to live ? For wanting to—“

There was a slight shift in the bed, causing the Lamb’s head to snap to the side. 

Narinder had sat up, blinking slowly—still out of sync. His head lolled to the side. Clearly, he wasn’t expecting to be woken up so suddenly. The Lamb’s gaze softened. In the dark of the room it was easier to imagine, even if just a second, that everything was alright. Surely, he was a bit disoriented from waking up so suddenly, but as soon as his vision adjusted the Lamb was sure Narinder would be both confused and enraged. Why would they be there? And with their eyes all puffy and looking like they hadn’t gotten an ounce of sleep in days—

But that wasn’t the case. So the Lamb didn’t allow their mind to spiral. Narinder wasn’t actually there. Narinder was—

 “Nari?” They called into the dark. His eyes didn’t move from the spot they were fixed in. “Nari. Narinder. My faith. My God. I don’t understand. Please, is there truly nothing I can do to fix this? To bring you back?” They moved towards him, setting down in front of their ex-god. They took his hands in theirs, holding them to their chest. “I’ll wait. I’ll wait as long as I have to. But please, please come back.”

Their shoulders shook, tears falling onto the mattress and their joint hands. The Lamb’s grip tightened. “ Please ” They pleaded. 

“Please come back to me ”

The Lamb, although kind and gentle in nature, was not a merciful god. To them, mercy was pushing someone further down into the river, instead of watching them struggle as they try to swim up. Or squashing a moth who lost its wings, knowing it was not going to fly again. The Lamb was never one to show mercy. They were greedy, they were ruthless, and they were fierce. When they held onto something, it was nearly impossible for them to let go. Be it followers, objects, grudges; they held on with an iron grip and only when they had grown tired enough to soften their hold, would their attachments scurry away, almost in fear. 

And to Narinder, the Lamb held onto with both hands, held so fiercely their fingers dug into his flesh, threatening to bleed. They held on, and waited . Seasons passed, the flock grew. And they kept waiting. Aym and Baal let go, and returned to their mother. The Lamb couldn’t blame them. They had their whole lives in front of them—and they had been holding those brothers back for long enough. But they kept waiting. Leshy and the farmer—Miyu, their name was Miyu—had become very close. The Lamb heard they were planning on marriage soon. Something unexpected, but they found it rather amusing. They thought about how Narinder would react to this—and the smile slowly disappeared from their face. They continued to wait. And wait. And wait. And look for other choices. Look for the furniture inside what they knew to be an empty house.

They were patient. And they would continue to be. As long as they had to. They wouldn’t let go. They wouldn’t show mercy.

“You look tired, Lamby” 

The Lamb nodded. They were tired indeed. That’s why they had come to see Ratau. Although it had been a while since the rat had anything to teach them about the crown, he was wise, and he was comforting. And most importantly, he was safe. Ever since the start, Ratau had always been there for them. He was their anchor, the one person to keep them sane and on their feet until their mind was quiet enough for them to be able to stand up on their own again. They were very fond of the old Rat, and they knew, so was he. 

“Hmm” The Lamb sighed, taking a sip of their drink. “Maybe a round of knucklebones could help with that” they smiled at Ratau, who chuckled and sat down on the table across from them. 

“You haven’t visited in a while. It’s been…what, a couple years? Don’t tell me,  you’ve already grown tired of me, Lamby?” He refilled his own glass, and placed the now empty bottle of wine aside. 

“I could never” the Lamb assured with a small yawn, side-eyeing the bottle. “Isn’t that the second bottle already?”

Ratau’s smile faltered for a second, and he didn’t give a response. The Lamb huffed under their breath.

“Ratau…”

“Well—“

“It’s not good for your health. Your body is not what it used to be” 

Ratau laughed “You worry too much, I’ve already lasted a couple centuries just fine, haven’t I?” 

“Yes, thanks to me” The Lamb reminded him, a little indignated. Ratau laughed again, taking out a knucklebones set from under the table. “How about this, if you win the next few rounds, I promise—no more wine. How’s that sound?”

The Lamb hummed, a little smile appearing on their lips. “You sure about that? You can’t take it back later.”

Ratau took the dice into his hands, already starting to shake it “Absolutely”

“Andddd that’s 130 to 42. Sorry Ratau.”

“…”

“Don’t say I didn’t tell you!”

The Lamb laughed, reaching for the half-drunk bottle of wine and taking it away from Ratau’s hands. They took a quick sip before slipping it into the crown’s infinite storage pouch-thing. They were never too sure what it was supposed to be. 

Ratau sighed, side-eyeing the little window above his door. “It’s getting late, Lamby.” He stood up from his chair, taking the knucklebones set and storing it under the table once more. “You should probably head back before it gets too dark outside”

The Lamb fell quiet. There it was, their cue to go. But they didn’t feel like standing up from their chair just yet. They looked down, smile slowly fading from their face. Ratau seemed to notice the change in their behavior, as he approached them with a concerned expression.

“Lamb? Are you feeling alright?”

“Do you mind if I stay the night?” 

“…But your flock—“

“I told them I went on a crusade.”

They spoke maybe a little too fast, but Ratau seemed to hear them just fine. He stopped for a second, and then sat back down. They remained in silence for a while, before the Lamb spoke again. “It’s just…I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed lately—I need a break. Just this once. It’ll just be only one night. I’ll be quiet, I won’t bother you.” they blurted out, tapping their hoof against the ground with nervousness. They looked up at Ratau, who seemed a little surprised by their request.

They fell quiet again. Ratau tilted his head to the side, and the Lamb looked back down. This was stupid. They were stupid. Why would they ask something like that? Ratau was already kind enough to them, and they just continued filling their glass to the point of overflow. They were about to speak again, when Ratau sighed.

“You could never bother me, Lamby.” He assured them. “Of course you can stay. You are always welcome here. But first,” He dragged his chair next to the Lamb’s.  “I want you to tell me what’s wrong”

The Lamb looked at him, and blinked twice. Ratau lifted his brows. They hesitated a little before answering. “Its…It’s about Narinder”

So they told him. They told him everything. They told him how hard these last few years had been for them. They told him how desperately they tried to find a solution. They told him how unfair they felt the situation was. They told him how even then, they waited, and would keep on waiting. They told him they were exhausted. Ratau listened, in silence. He placed a hand on the Lamb’s back, caressing it in a comforting fashion. After they finished, he simply took his hand away, opting to open his arms to offer them a hug instead. No words were needed. The Lamb leaned into his arms, resting their head on the crook of his neck. Warm arms enveloped them, and tears threatened to come flooding out of their eyes.

“Is that why you hadn’t visited?”

The Lamb buried their face into his neck a little further. Ratau hummed. 

“...I see…” He caressed their back in silence again, hesitating for a couple seconds before continuing to talk. “Listen…I know you have good intentions, Lamby. You always were one to hold on fiercely to that which you hold close. But as good as perseverance might be, you need to know when to stop.” Ratau felt the Lamb stiffen in his arms, already able to tell they knew what he was going to say. “If you don’t take your hands away from the fire, you will burn along with it, Lamb. Do you understand?”

The Lamb tightened their hold on Ratau’s back. I am already. They wanted to say. I am already burning. Shamura’s words returned to their mind. They could ignore the spider all they wanted, but Ratau was a different case. Because Ratau cared. They knew that much. And if even Ratau agreed with Shamura, then what was to be of them? Would they really allow themselves to burn to a crisp? For the sake of something that they didn’t even know would happen?  It was awful. It was all so so awful.

“I know, I know…It’s alright.”

At some point they must’ve started crying, as Ratau had tightened his hold on them, and was now shushing them gently.They mumbled something, and Ratau nodded. They didn’t even hear their own words. The entire world spun. But they knew Ratau was right. Shamura too. They were right, both of them. And deep down, they had known, as well. After he had rejected the fish, they knew. After he didn’t even glance at the sky when they went out for walks, they knew. After Shamura had talked to him, they knew. After Aym and Baal had tried to help, they knew.

“He is not coming back, is he?” The truth hung heavy in their tone.

Ratau didn’t answer, but they knew what he was thinking. 

“...I’m sorry, Lamby”

One second

Two seconds

Three—

The Lamb broke down, all of the things that they had pushed down throughout these last couple years finally catching up to them. It was pitiful, really. But Ratau didn’t seem to mind. He continued to hold them in silence, as they cried for eyes that did not see. For one-sided conversations. For what they already knew they had lost.  For the only path they could see in front of them.

And they cried for mercy .

The Lamb stood in front of Narinder’s door for the last time. 

To speak the truth, their head felt clearer since they had returned from Ratau’s. Lighter. Thinking wasn’t painful, at least not as much as before. They knocked on his door, more out of respect than of actually expecting an answer. “Nari? I’m coming in” 

They didn’t feel ready.

But then again, can you ever be ready for something like this? 

They walked into his hut, looking around at the furniture, all the little things they had gotten for him over the years. They sighed, making their way to the bed, where he sat. They looked at their ex-god, knowing they never took the time to actually look at him in his mortal form. His factions looked less sharp. Softer, almost gentle. His arms were no longer melty black bones, but deep dark fur. Properly taken care of, the Lamb made sure. And…his expression. Even through it all, he looked calm. Maybe even peaceful. His eyes rested on his lap, and his chest rose and fell along with his breathing. The Lamb smiled, and knelt in front of him.

“You know, the first time I saw you, I remember I thought you were kind. Kinder than the other gods, at least” They started, reaching for his hands and taking them into their own; they felt warm. “You offered me a different path, other than just death. Even if it was out of a personal interest…you were kind. And I’d like to think that maybe, deep down, you cared about me. Even if it was just a little”

He had always been patient with them, after all. He heard them when they talked, even if it was about silly things. He allowed them to rest in his realm, when they didn’t feel like going back to their duties just yet. He answered their doubts, at least the vast majority of them. He allowed them to call him by name, even when they knew for anyone else it would’ve been an almost immediate death sentence. And he was always there when they needed him. Be it through the crown, or in his realm, the Lamb never felt alone. He was patient. He cared.

“I know I did. At first I acted out of gratitude, but as time passed…I grew to care about you. I grew fond of you. I started looking forward to our little talks. Death was no longer a punishment, but an opportunity to see someone dear to me” They lifted their gaze to meet his, a bittersweet feeling rising to their chest. “I knew then, that I wanted to remain by your side as long as I could. I wanted to keep serving under the red crown until the end of my days. I wanted to see you be free. I wanted to show you the world. Because I…”

It was unfair to him. It was really unfair. He wouldn’t hear it, but if they were going to do this, they needed to do it without regrets. Their hands trembled. 

“I fell in love with you.” Their vision started to get blurry, their mind screaming at them to stop talking. But they needed to say it. They needed him to know. “I fell in love with your voice, with the way you treated me, with every word you said. I fell in love with our talks, and the time we spent together. I adored you, Narinder. There was nothing, believe me, nothing in this world that I wouldn’t have done for you. I wanted to keep my life,  but even then it would have still been yours. Even when you lied to my face…I loved you. I still do. I love you so much it makes me sick. ” They chuckled, tightening their hold on his hands.

“And oh, how I wished I didn't. Because then all of this would be so, so much easier” 

Because if I didn’t love you, I could show you mercy.

“I wish I could say I’m ready to let go. But I’m not. I don’t think I can ever truly let go. But…this isn’t fair to either of us. And I…” The  Lamb closed their eyes.  “I think you’ve suffered long enough.”

And so had they. Every day, they had suffered. Uncertainty, pain, anger. But of all the things that tormented them, it had been their own hope that had been the worst. This was for the best. It would hurt terribly, but it was for the best. Time would soothe it away. Or maybe it wouldn’t, but they’d learn how to deal with it. They’d learn, for him. Because if he had ever cared about them, even if it was just a smidge, they knew he wouldn’t want this, either. 

“But even then–”

Ah, there it was.

“Even then…I don’t want to give up on you. I hate this. I hate this so much. So please, Nari. Give me a sign. Just a small sign that you are still there somewhere. Give me a sign, so I don’t have to give up.” They stared at him intensely, their hold on his hands so tight their fingers dug into his flesh. 

But just as they feared, Narinder didn’t move, his gaze silently ‘fixed’ on their joint hands. 

They chuckled, bittersweetness being replaced with an awful realization. What were they expecting? The hold they had on Narinder’s hands softened, and they almost expected him to yank them away, but they remained there. The Lamb rose back to their feet, trying their best to smile at their ex-god.

“It’s alright.” They told him, but their words were more to reassure themselves. “I’ll make it quick.”

They leaned forward, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. They would’ve kissed his lips, but it would’ve broken their heart, even more than it already was. As they did, they slipped a hand out of his grip, lifting it to the crown, which turned into an axe, heavy in their hand.

“My god, my faith, My Narinder.” They looked at him, up and down, one last look before they made it all go away. Their eyes lingered on their joint hands for a couple seconds, Narinder’s fingers closed around theirs. They lifted the axe above his head. “I’m–”

Wait–

Narinder’s fingers…

Their gaze fell once again to their joint hands. They stopped.

The axe fell from their hand, which they immediately rubbed their eyes with. This was just their mind playing tricks on them again. It had to be. They looked down.

Narinder’s fingers were closed around theirs.

They tried pulling their hand away, and they could feel the pressure of his fingertips on their palms before they could release them from his grip. Their breath hitched.

“...Nari?” No response. Narinder’s gaze was still fixed on their hands, where they had previously been held. “Narinder?” They called again, hopeful. But nothing happened. Their brows furrowed, and they carefully reached for his face, cupping his cheek.

“Are you there, Nari?” Silence. 

Yet slowly, their ex-god closed his eyes, and the Lamb felt a little pressure against their hand. 

They froze. And their body, their entire body trembled. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be. . A laugh bubbled up their chest, shoulders shaking. They laughed. Quietly. They caressed Narinder’s cheek, and laughed some more. They laughed, until they couldn’t tell it apart from sobs.

And how they tried, but mercy was never something that came easy to them.