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For as long as they were friends, Dan would have never expected Phil to be the one to try and kiss him first. Phil didn’t understand why Dan pulled away before anything happened, not when their feelings were so obvious to each other.
“I’m not interested in a relationship right now,” he lied, trying his best to make his voice neutral. But Phil didn’t buy it. He kept asking Dan what was going on until Dan couldn’t take it anymore. He had to excuse himself and leave Phil before Phil learned anything he shouldn’t.
It would have been easier if Phil could understand why. Under all Dan’s unspoken ‘I love you’s that bleed through Dan’s every action, there’s also his conscience urging him to tell Phil the truth. Because Phil’s the most amazing person Dan’s ever met. And he didn’t deserve to be led on like this.
He’d worked so hard to rebuild his life to what it is. After he got diagnosed with HIV, his ex turned against him and told everyone about it. He lost his lover, his friends, and his job. Everything was taken away from him in a flash. And now after moving to a different city and trying his best to forget, he’s not about to make the same mistake again.
So Dan chooses to avoid him. He hopes Phil knows this is for the best. It’s also another one of his ‘I love you’s in the form of goodbye. Because leaving Phil is the best thing Dan can ever do.
Days have gone past like a blur, and the world becomes bleak like it was before meeting Phil. Every night, he would wake up with a dream of Phil being right beside him. And it would make him break down, knowing he could never get what he wanted.
Since being diagnosed, he’s long accepted that this is his life. He knows he will never experience happiness ever again. Meeting Phil is like finding sparks of joy after having nothingness for so long. He had really thought he would get to keep it. But things have developed more than they should, and there’s nothing he can do but keep his distance.
Phil’s been trying to meet Dan where he works now, an attempt which has gone unsuccessfully so far. It is a perk as a store stocker, really. He gets to blend in, being insignificant to everyone else. He knows the layout of the supermarket, so he can hide in a back room before Phil can catch him, like he does every time.
So it’s not really a surprise to see Phil at the store just as he’s about to leave today. What surprises him, however, is seeing another guy with Phil.
Phil hasn’t spotted Dan yet as he is talking face-to-face to the guy. Dan couldn’t hear much of their conversation.
This guy is one of Phil’s coworkers at the coffee shop. Dan never saw him much. Surprisingly enough, Phil doesn’t look pleased. Before Dan knows it, the guy holds Phil’s hands together. Dan hears him asking Phil for a date.
He doesn’t know how it happens. But the next thing Dan knows, he’s already standing beside Phil. Phil looks surprised. He snatches Phil’s arm and tells the guy, “Sorry, we already have other plans,” with no attempt to hide his bitterness at all, before he drags Phil away from the scene entirely.
He shouldn’t be doing this. He knows. He knows it’s not fair for Phil. He knows it won’t lead them anywhere. And yet, when he looks back, Phil’s not upset. All he can see is Phil’s reddened bashful expression, and the crinkles around his eyes showed he must be hiding a wide grin behind his hand. Dread settles in his stomach. He should stop this before it goes too far.
Before that happens, Phil turns around with a more composed smile, and says, “Let’s go at mine, yeah?”
And just like the first time they met when their friends brought them together to a party, Phil leads him to his living room and they play Mario Kart for hours.
Dan misses this. Back when they were friends, he would just crash and stay over at Phil's place without a care in the world. Now that it’s different, he can’t help but feel the awkwardness weighing heavy in this room.
They don’t talk much about how he’s been avoiding Phil, or what had happened between them. He and Phil just click together, in a way that Phil understands it was something Dan needed to do.
“I just don’t want you to avoid me,” Phil says nonchalantly as he’s using his controller to try to win the game back. He sounds more chill than Dan had expected. “We don’t have to be anything you don’t want. I still want to be your friend.” And Dan knows Phil means it when Phil looks back with a genuine smile.
After that, Dan’s willing to let his guard down a little, so he can make this a good time for them both.
They play Mario Kart together, and Dan is absolutely beating the shit out of Phil. Phil’s smiling and laughing at him so much that Dan has to jab him in the ribcage. Dan’s cheek still feels hot, and his heart still beats fast when he glances at Phil. Even when Dan is still afraid, he won’t run away from Phil this time, not when they can just hang out like this.
They order Domino’s when it gets late, and there’s a sad slice of pizza no one wants to eat. Phil tells him he should eat it because Phil’s the one who hates cheese. And Dan disagrees with him because he’s the one who beat Phil at Mario Kart.
After a long amount of banting, one of them is stupid enough to tickle the other. And it escalates quickly into a full tickle fight.
Even though Phil’s a clumsier person, he has somehow managed to play dirty and tackle Dan down on the floor. Dan is left defenseless and can’t stand any more tickles. He gestures his surrender, fighting through his giggles that make it so hard to breathe.
After he’s caught his breath, the room goes silent. He thinks Phil is catching his breath too, but when he looks up, he realizes Phil’s on top of him. His eyes meet with Phil’s, it’s clear that both of them are aware of this. Yet neither of them move. Phil looks dazed, his pupils blown wide. And his face is slowly getting closer…
Then Phil backs away.
“I’m sorry Dan. I really didn’t mean to,” he says after fully getting up, his face still reddened. He stares at Dan as if Dan is going to leave at any moment. “It won’t happen again, you don’t have to leave.”
And Dan knows Phil would never try to hurt him, but he can’t help but notice how flat Phil’s voice is. Phil is disappointed. As much as Phil tries to hide it, Dan knows he wants something so much more. And Dan, being the way that he is, is hurting Phil by holding him back.
“I won’t leave,” he promises, as he breathes slowly, regaining his composure. And Phil seems to calm down a bit, even if he still looks unsure.
If Dan lets Phil go, Phil can find someone else to be with, and what happened in the shop today will happen again without Dan there to interfere. But if he doesn’t, he will keep Phil waiting forever. And it’s not fair to never allow Phil to move on.
So Dan must tell him the truth. And he’s scared, he’s so scared of how Phil will react.
Maybe Phil will rat him out to his roommate and coworkers. Maybe he’ll be forced out of his job and have to move cities again. But no matter what, he has to accept it. Because Phil deserves to know and walk away from his life.
So Dan sits him down and tells him the truth. He tells him about how he got diagnosed with HIV, how he got shunned by everyone and had to rebuild his life over again. He doesn’t tell Phil how he got transmitted HIV; too afraid Phil would hate him more if he knew Dan hadn’t bothered to use protection when he was in college.
Phil’s gone silent through it all. Dan doesn’t know if Phil’s shocked, or just angry. He doesn’t dare to look up and see Phil’s face, afraid that there’s nothing there but disgust. Then there’s a shaky inhale. When he looks up, the only thing he can see is concern in Phil’s eyes.
“Are you going to die?” is the first thing that leaves Phil’s mouth. His mouth’s quivering, his eyes never leave Dan, as if Dan’s going to disappear at any moment.
Dan doesn’t understand how Phil’s not running away right now. But he explains that no, he’s not dying. He’s taken his medications that prevent him from being sick. And since his viral loads are undetectable, he cannot transmit it to anyone else. Phil nods along, looking down on the mattress in deep thoughts.
Dan doesn’t know if Phil believes him or not. He doesn’t know if Phil’s afraid of him. But soon after Phil looks up, he asks Dan, “Can I kiss you?”
And Dan doesn’t understand that. He doesn’t know where this trust is coming from, or why Phil thinks he deserves any of this.
“You don’t have to,” is what he ended up saying. Because Phil does deserve better. There’s so many people who are not HIV+, who have a stabler life than him, who are not as stupid and fucked up as him, and could make Phil happier.
But Phil shakes his head, throws those possibilities away and sits closer. He holds Dan’s hands like he’s something to be valued, and says “I want you.”
So after making sure Phil still wants this for the second time, Dan presses their lips together.
He never thought he would feel the softness of another person’s lips again. Or the way they pull his hair at the back of his head. He never thought people like Phil would exist. And he doesn’t know how long it will last. But Phil looking at him like that? He’ll take it for as long as he can get it.
There are still many things left to be discussed. But right now, they’ll just lie side by side under Phil’s soft duvet as they fall asleep, hands overlapped, fingers intertwined. In both of their hands, they hold limitless possibilities.