Chapter Text
Max crosses the line. He takes the checkered flag. It’s another victory for him and the team. His dad says kind words on the radio. It’s not entirely a first but it is surprising. Max’s father does not give praise lightly. Max almost doesn’t know what to do with it. He makes sure to thank his father and the team. He knows his father will be cross if he doesn’t and he is grateful. He wants tonight to be a good night, he wants to bask in the feeling of winning for once. Especially after the incredible year he’s had. He knows next year can’t possibly come close to this one in terms of wins, records and achievements. He’ll never experience this again. Part of him is already grieving the loss of it. Next year they will find all his flaws again and they’ll say this year was just because of the car, that what he does didn’t matter. Max just knows it. He has never been good enough for anyone.
He gets out of the car and catches Daniel’s eye. Daniel smiles at him. His signature wide smile. It always brings Max back down to earth. He wishes he could stand around and chat with Daniel for a bit but he has to do his post-race interview and hug his team and kiss Kelly and the moment passes by too quickly anyway. Daniel has a dozen people to talk to, too. Everyone always wants a piece of him. Max understands. Daniel is the kind of guy who just makes you feel good. Daniel brightens people’s days whether they’ve won or lost. It was why it was so hard when he was at McLaren. Daniel had lost his smile. It was like the world had stopped spinning. Max is glad Daniel is back where he belongs. Maybe he’s not in a race winning car yet but he’s healthy and happy and Max gets to be close with him, no questions asked. It’s almost like it used to be. Better days, Max thinks, even if he hadn’t achieved anything yet. He knows he romanticizes being Daniel’s teammate. He knows there is a reason Daniel left, he knows that he and the way the team treated him were contributing factors. But still, better days. Having Daniel close-ish again and having won his championships is more than Max dared to hope for for a really long time. It makes him think that maybe things do get better. Maybe he can shake off some of the weight that’s on his shoulders. Better days. Max really wants better days.
Of course, Max’s father thinks differently. Better days don’t exist in his mind. Good enough days seemingly don’t exist either. Max got pole position, won, smashed records and he is still not good enough. It hurts, but Max can’t tell his father that. His dad would be furious. Max can’t risk that, not tonight. He has events to get to. He can’t risk showing up hurt. There’d be too many questions, too many things Max can’t answer. Too many things he doesn’t want to answer anyway. So he sits and listens to his father point out every mistake he has made like a good boy and doesn’t point out that he has far more experience than his father by now. It doesn’t matter. Father knows best. Father always knows best. Max’s opinions don’t matter and he just has to shut up and listen. Don’t taunt him, be careful, just do as he asks. His mother taught him that before she left. Before she saved herself and Victoria. Before she left Max behind.
After the conversation with his father Max is no longer in a good mood, but he’s expected to show up at the season after party on a too fancy yacht with too many people he doesn’t even like. His dad will be mad if he doesn’t go. He’ll be even more disappointed than he usually is in Max. And Max knows Kelly wants to attend too. She thrives at these sorts of settings. She’s good at talking with people, dancing and networking, generally having fun. Max always feels like a robot at these things. He knows that’s what people say about him sometimes. That he must be a robot. Maybe they are right. Maybe someone just needs to change his programming and get him to function as expected. Maybe then he will be a little normal and a bit more tolerable.
At least, he thinks, Daniel might be at the party too. Daniel always talks to Max even when Max is hiding away in a corner, waiting until he is drunk enough to socialize with people without feeling like he’s losing it. Daniel never pushes Max to do anything. Just stands next to him for a while and makes jokes until Max smiles. It’s usually enough for Max to come out of his shell and actually have a good time. Daniel is a miracle worker, Kelly said once. Max agrees with her. Daniel has been making miracles happen for Max since the day they met. He’s special.
Max goes to the party and Daniel is there. He works his miracles. He manages to make Max laugh and Max almost feels like a person again. A real human boy. Then it’s over and reality smashes into Max’s face. He remembers every word his father said. Max isn’t good enough. He’s never going to be good enough.
A failure, a fraud, a mistake.
Not good enough. Never ever good enough.
He fakes a headache and goes to sleep. He doesn’t have it in him to fuck Kelly tonight. She pretends she’s not disappointed, Max pretends he doesn’t notice. He knows it’s only a matter of time before his luck runs out. Something tells him it will happen soon. He may just have used up all his luck during this season. Soon everyone will know what a fraud he is. Everyone will know that Max Verstappen isn’t good enough. He’s going to lose everything. His father always said he would. Max doesn’t have what it takes. Even though Max has since won three championships, he knows he still doesn’t have what it takes. He’s not like the others. He’s been faking it all. He makes too many mistakes and he can’t keep it together.
What kind of guy sleeps next to a woman as beautiful as Kelly and feigns a headache when she wants to be intimate? Not a normal guy, that’s for sure. Good thing Max always has his father to let him know what a fuck up he is. He almost allowed himself to forget again tonight. Especially each time Daniel smiled at him. Max mustn't do that. He needs to remember at all times he is flawed. If he’s not leading every lap, not winning every race, it’s simply not enough. If he’s not fulfilling the white picket fence dreams, it’s simply not enough.
Max is simply never going to be enough.
His time is running out.
~~~
Winter break starts and there are too many things to do. Max hates it. He wants it all to be over. It’s too much, way too much. He doesn’t know how to speak to anyone anymore. How to keep up the Max Verstappen act. He wishes he could be just Max again. He wishes things could be easy.
Daniel texts him and asks Max to come to Australia. Max can’t. Daniel is probably just being nice anyway, he's like that - always nice and friendly. Max is not a good person to spend time with. He’s sure Kelly agrees with that statement. He’s tiring her out with his grumpiness, he knows. He wishes he knew how to stop. So he can’t go to Daniel. He can’t lose Daniel and he might if Daniel has to deal with this side of Max. Daniel is too important to lose. Even though Max knows Daniel is usually brilliant about things, he’s too scared. Max had been too much to deal with in 2018 too. He can’t ask that much from Daniel, no matter how much he wants his friend. Not again. He can’t make Daniel leave him again because he's just too off-putting. Max isn't sure he'd survive losing Daniel another time. Especially not now when it feels like his entire life is falling apart and there's something crawling underneath his skin, threatening to burst out.
~~~
It’s two and a half weeks into winter break when Max really can’t take it anymore. He’s losing control. It’s terrifying. He can only see everything that’s wrong with his life. It should have been so good. It should have been okay. He’s winning. It should have been enough. It’s never enough. Max is never enough. He doesn’t know how to be better. He doesn’t know how to fix things. He doesn’t know how often he can pull himself apart to make other people happy. He thought winning would make things okay. He thought becoming a world champion would be okay. He thought breaking countless records would make things okay. It’s never fucking okay.
It’s not fair.
It’s not fair.
Max just wants to be good enough. Just once. Just once. Please.
He comes home with Kelly after an event and it feels like another performance. Being with her is a race he can’t win. A near-perfect lap where he spins and ends up crashing into the wall in the last turn. He wants to make her happy. Truly. He wants to be everything she wants. He’s painfully aware he’s lacking. He can’t be what she needs. No matter how hard he tries. He knows a relationship shouldn’t feel like a chore, that it should be fulfilling and give you energy. And as flawless as Kelly is, being with her feels like a job. Every single day. Max has done it all for the past few years but he’s running out of energy. He’s just so damn tired. He grows more and more tired as time passes by. Something’s gotta change, he knows. It’s petrifying.
Each time he asks himself what kind of guy dates a gorgeous model and cannot even get it up. He asked a doctor once what was wrong with him. The man just laughed at him. Max never brought it up again. He knows he’s clearly some kind of freak, some unloveable gremlin. He’s broken and he can’t be fixed. That doctor clearly knew it. He clearly knew Max is only pretending to be a person. Max is nothing people can love.
His parents knew it first. That’s why Max needs to win. He’s only worth something when he wins. Even then it’s not actually enough. His father knows it. He makes sure to remind Max. Max knows he should be grateful even though it hurts. The truth is meant to hurt.
His mother knows it, too, Max thinks. He thinks that’s why she took Victoria and left him with his father. She took the good kid and left Max behind. To chase his dreams, they all said. Max had no choice. What is he without winning? Without racing? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
No, Max knows it all too well, he is never good enough.
He knows he should tell Kelly. She deserves better. He doesn’t want to lose the only thing that feels normal but he knows he should. He loves her like a best friend. He doesn’t want her body. She deserves to be loved by a man who doesn’t want to throw up each time he thinks about intimacy. It’s not fair to her. She’s been so good to him, so kind and patient, he should be good to her in return. He should tell the truth for once. Even if she ends up despising him like everyone else does.
“I’m going on the sim,” he tells her instead after quickly kissing her cheek.
She looks so disappointed. He knows she wants something different, something more. There’s a reason she dropped P off at her mom’s tonight. Max is letting her down again. He races with his friends and he still feels like shit. He’s failing. He’s falling apart. He just can’t do it anymore. He can’t make himself get through the motions and fuck her. No matter how much she wants it. Max doesn’t know how he managed all these times before. Just the thought makes his skin crawl. He can’t do it. Fuck.
He jokes around with his friends on Discord and all of them fall flat. In every race he spins out. Someone says Max got replaced by an alien. He certainly feels that way. Part of him wishes he could be replaced, that someone else could live his life and he could just leave and be happy somewhere. Be calm and taken care of. Be soft for once. He knows it’s stupid. He can’t be anyone else. He’s supposed to be Max Verstappen. Max Verstappen isn’t soft. He’s a world champion. He’s a fighter. Max ignores how much he hates being Max Verstappen. He learned a long time ago that he doesn’t get to be happy and that boys don’t cry. He’ll deal with it. Somehow.
Kelly knocks on the door of his sim room after a few hours and asks if he wants to go out for dinner. He says yes even though he’d rather stay on the sim until his brain stops spinning. He wears the outfit she picks for him and he lets her choose the restaurant too, no matter how much she actually wants him to have an opinion. He’s too tired to have opinions. It’s fine. He knows who he needs to be tonight. He can play the good boyfriend one more night even though he knows there won’t be a happy ending. Life is not a fairytale, Max thinks. His story was always going to end in tragedy. This is just part of that. But he’ll play pretend one more night and pretend it’s all fine.
~~~
They come home after dinner and head to their bedroom. Max assumes they can just go to bed, that he has performed enough tonight, but then Kelly touches his arm like she’s hoping for more and Max just can’t deal with it. He flinches. She looks stricken.
“What’s wrong now?” she asks, her voice turning shrill.
She’s pissed. Fuck. Max hates it when people are upset. It makes him want to crawl away and hide. He needs to fix this but he doesn’t know how. Why did he mess this up? Why didn’t he try harder?
“Nothing, just uh, just nothing,” he says, hoping it will appease her.
“That was not nothing,” Kelly says. She looks straight into his eyes. “We both know that was not nothing.”
She knows.
She fucking knows.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“It’s not you,” Max says awkwardly.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” Kelly lets out a bitter laugh. “I know how that ends, Max. I am not stupid. Please don’t treat me like I am stupid. I don’t know what I did wrong but please at least don’t treat me like I am some kind of fool. I deserve better than that.”
“I know you’re not stupid! It’s just. Kelly, I can’t give you what you need,” Max says, “I am not… You know how I lack. You know I can’t really, you know... I’m sorry. I just can’t. It’s not you. I fucking swear. It’s me. I am broken; I am so fucking broken. I can’t give you what you deserve. I’m sorry.”
He runs a hand through his hair. He’s crying. Kelly is crying too. This is such a mess. Max knows what he has to do. He knows it’s the right thing to do even though it hurts. He wishes he wasn’t crying. That he could at least be brave. But he’s not brave. Not when it comes to this. He feels like he can’t breathe, it’s like all the air has left the room and the walls are closing in on him.
“I’m a mess Kelly,” Max says, choking on a sob, “I am such a mess. And I can’t satisfy you. You deserve someone who can love you in every way you need.”
“I guess I do,” she says, her lip trembles a little. “Was it something I did?”
She looks so heartbroken. He never wanted to make her feel that way, make her think that she was anything less than amazing.
“No,” Max says, “You were perfect. But I’m not. It really is all me.”
“Is this it then?” she asks softly.
“It would not be fair to keep leading you on,” Max says.
Kelly agrees with him. Part of him wishes she would yell at him, throw things and hurt him. Show some rage. But Kelly is not like that, she has always been too kind. She’s not like his parents. Max doesn’t know whether that’s scary or comforting. At least violence is a language he speaks.
Max sleeps on the couch that night. It’s not made for sleepovers but he won’t make Kelly sleep next to the guy who broke her heart and he’s not going to take P’s bed either. Not after tonight.
The next morning Kelly makes all the necessary arrangements and packs a bag of her and P’s stuff to take to her mother's house. She’s precise like that. Efficient. Max hides in his sim room. He can’t even be good and help her. He’s awful. It’s a wonder she put up with him this long. It’s not fair to her. Not at all.
His back hurts from sleeping on the couch. Good. Max deserves it. He drinks too many Red Bulls and pretends his hands aren’t shaking. He’s never been much of an actor. It shows. Max joins races and half-heartedly talks to his friends. It’s not going well at all. He keeps crashing and he is distracted. He can’t focus no matter how hard he tries. He doesn’t tell them things are over between him and Kelly, not even when they ask where P is. He’s not sure why he’s not honest with his friends. He knows they care about him. Maybe he’s not ready to face this yet. It was one thing to admit to Kelly how he failed her, it was something else to admit to other people. They don’t need to know he can’t fuck his girlfriend. Not yet at least.
He tells them he’s logging off and says goodbye before they can ask more questions. He goes to bed and cries. Kelly’s pillow still smells like her perfume. Max is so alone. He hates it. He hates it so much. He has never liked the dark. The cats jump into bed with him. It’s the only thing that makes things bearable.
~~~
Moving out day arrives just a week later. Kelly looks at him with gentle eyes and it’s almost too much for Max. He’s letting her down. She shouldn’t be so kind about it. Maybe she just saw it coming all along. Max was never enthusiastic whenever they went beyond cuddling after all. He just did it to make her happy. He’d been a terrible boyfriend when it came to that. He hopes she will find someone who can treat her right.
“P will miss you,” she says. "Thank you for letting her keep Jimmy and Sassy. She’s confused about everything but they help her.”
Max has to swallow and blinks back some tears. “I will miss her too… Letting her keep the cats was the least I could do, after everything. I miss them but I wanted her to have them.”
“And I will miss you as well,” Kelly adds softly, “I’ll need some time to process but maybe we can be friends, later on.”
“I’d like that, friends,” Max says. He means it. “I will miss you, too. Truly.”
He thanks her and watches as she picks up the last of her bags and walks out the door of their apartment. Just his apartment now, empty and bare. Lifeless. Max doesn’t know what he will do without her. Part of him wants to keep trying, wants to see if he can keep pretending. He can’t. Not anymore. It’s not fair to Kelly anyway. Begging her to stay when he can’t give her what she needs. When she can’t give him what he needs anymore either.
She’d been the perfect girlfriend. Too bad a girlfriend is not what Max needs.
He is really going to miss her and P and the cats. It’s so quiet without P’s footsteps and gentle laughter and the way Kelly hums when she’s concentrating, so quiet without the cats meowing and running around and being a little mischievous. Max goes to bed and hides underneath his blanket. He thinks it justified, given that he is going through a break up, even though this entire mess is his own doing. He deserves to feel like crap. Kelly’s pillow no longer smells like her perfume. It makes Max cry all over again.
Kelly arranges the joint break up post on Instagram. She’s perfect like that, as always. She’s too kind again, taking half the blame where Max deserves all of it. She thanks him for their time together. Max almost leaves a heart on her post. He can’t do that anymore of course. He thanks her instead and wishes her the best. Then he deletes Instagram from his phone. He doesn’t need to know what people think. He knows they’ll think he is some kind of fool, a massive idiot. Who lets a woman like that go?
Max’s father calls. Max does not pick up. Daniel calls. Max does pick up.
“What happened, Maxy?” Daniel asks, being far too gentle too.
“I wasn’t a good enough boyfriend for her,” Max admits. “So we ended things.”
Daniel, incredible as he is, is immediately offended on Max’s behalf. Max quickly sets the record straight. Kelly really wasn’t to blame here, even though she had said it was a mutual decision on Instagram. It was all Max’s fault. Only Max and all the ways he’s fucked up. Daniel isn’t quite satisfied with it, but he accepts Max’s version of events. Max is glad. He doesn’t have the energy to fight Daniel. He wants things to stay good with Daniel at least. He can’t handle the thought of losing Daniel as well. It would be worse than losing Kelly. He’d already lost Daniel once. He barely recovered from that the first time around.
“We’re going to hang out during testing and I’m going to think of the perfect break up fix,” Daniel promises. “We’ll find your perfect person Maxy.”
Max doesn’t think what he wants exists. He’s not sure what he truly wants anyway. He thanks Daniel, though. It’s the polite thing to do and Daniel means well. Maybe Daniel knows better than Max. He’s always been perceptive. Max likes Daniel. Daniel is the only person who makes sense to him these days.
He thinks fondly about meeting Daniel and how Daniel hadn’t quite made sense to Max then but how he had been the coolest person Max knew immediately. And Daniel had been so nice to him. Kind when no one else was. When everyone thought he was ridiculous and too aggressive and had no right to be there. Daniel thought all of that was bullshit and he made sure Max knew it.
Daniel had said they would get along perfectly and that was still true. Daniel might be the only person who will never give up on Max. Not even when Max is being a prickly cactus.
It’s easy to talk to Daniel and easy to be held by him. A hug from Daniel is always just a hug. Max likes that about him. It’s simple. Max needs things that are simple. He hopes he can hug Daniel again soon.
“Thank you for talking with me,” Max tells Daniel.
“It’s a pleasure, Maxy,” Daniel says.
Max thinks he really means it. He feels even warmer inside.
“It’s weird being here alone,” Max says, “But talking with you, it does not feel so weird. Always, it is good to hear from you.”
He really hopes he and Daniel can spend time together during testing. Max has felt so cold and lonely. He really needs a hug. Just any kind of affection and warmth to remind him he is real. He wants to feel safe and protected. Daniel usually makes him feel good.
“Things have been hard lately,” Max admits, because it’s easy to over the phone. “Sometimes I just wish I was a kid again. But of course a happier kid than I was. I think it would be nice. I don’t want to worry so much all the time. My head gets tired from it. My nephews are just happy and then people take good care of them. This is of course very nice.”
Daniel hums thoughtfully. “You want to be taken care of?”
Max thinks about it for a moment. He’s not sure he can explain it very well. He craves comfort. The kind of comfort he imagines kids with loving parents receive. He wants to be small and not have to use his brain so much. He wants someone to ease his worries. He wants to do all the things he was never allowed to do as a kid. Rebel in a quiet way. He just wants to be loved. He wants to be good enough. He wants parents who look at him with loving eyes no matter what he does.
“It’s complicated,” Max says. “But yes. I know of course that I cannot really become a kid again. I do not think there is science for that. But I wish it sometimes. It would be nice, I think.”
“If I find a way to make you feel taken care of like that, would you accept it?” Daniel asks.
“Yes,” Max says. “I would accept that. But only because it’s you.”
“I’m glad you can trust me, Maxy,” Daniel says. “I’ll think of something. Promise me we will hang out during testing?”
“I promise,” Max says.
He knows Daniel will make Max keep his promise. Max likes that. Daniel always makes things easier for him.
~~~
It’s odd to do all the pre-season things without Kelly there. Max flies to testing on his own. The plane is too loud but it still can’t drown out the noise inside Max’s mind. He’s not sure how he’s going to make it through this season. It hasn’t even started yet and he’s still exhausted.
His father won’t come either, he’s said repeatedly. It is supposed to be a threat Max thinks. His father is mad that Max broke up with Kelly. He said so many ugly words when Max finally answered his calls. Max knows it’s all true. He’s an idiot. He’s a hopeless mess. He fucked up everything. He should have made things work with Kelly, he should have been a better man. But it’s nothing Max hasn’t heard before. He’ll deal with it.
As promised, Max hangs out with Daniel during testing. Max gets dragged to Daniel’s hotel room after the first day ends and Daniel makes him sit down on the bed. He fluffs up Max’s pillow and makes a big show off it. Max gives him a weak smile. He appreciates Daniel’s effort. Daniel has arranged a tub of ice cream for Max, too. He smiles widely, winks at Max and says they can cheat a little bit.
“Rupert will kill me,” Max protests weakly.
“I won’t tell if you don’t tell,” Daniel says.
“Promise,” Max says.
Daniel holds out his pinky and makes Max intertwine his pinky with Daniel’s.
Ice cream sounds good anyway. Max hopes he can forget how lonely and empty he feels. He’s not sure what’s more soothing, vanilla ice cream or Daniel sitting next to him.
“So your break up,” Daniel says after he lets Max take a few bites of his ice cream.
“Things weren’t a good fit,” Max says, shrugging a little, “It’s all me. It of course wasn’t good to make her stay when I cannot make things good for her.” He takes another bite of his ice cream.
“Make things good for her?” Daniel wonders.
Max’s cheeks flush. “Please do not make fun of me when I tell you. And you must not tell anyone. It’s bad. People will not be nice about this if they know.”
“I’ll be nice,” Daniel promises. “You can trust me.”
Max knows he can.
“It was not good between me and Kelly in the bedroom,” Max says. “I never… I did not like having sex. She is very pretty so I think it should have been good. But I could not look at her that way. She noticed I think that I wasn’t into it whenever I tried for her. It made my skin crawl.”
Max can’t look at Daniel. It’s too embarrassing. But Daniel takes away their ice cream and places it on his nightstand and then wraps his arms around Max. Max hasn’t been hugged since he broke up with Kelly. He’s missed hugs so much.
“Is this okay?” Daniel asks.
“Yes,” Max says, his voice breaking a little. “I do like cuddling. I wish relationships didn’t require more than that.”
“Well you can cuddle with me,” Daniel says, “Whenever you want. Do you want to talk about it more?”
“No thank you.”
Max buries his face in Daniel’s neck. Daniel smells nice. It’s the same cologne he’s been wearing since back when he was still Max’s teammate. It reminds Max of laughter and happier days when it was easier to breathe. It reminds him of everything he has been missing lately.
Daniel gently rubs Max’s back. “I missed you over winter. I hoped you’d come to see me in Australia.”
“You actually wanted me there?” Max asks, unable to mask his surprise. He assumed Daniel was just being polite every time he offered over the years, when he had offered once more before the winter break too.
“Of course, Max, I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t,” Daniel says like it’s that simple. Maybe it is.
“Oh,” Max says. He buries his face deeper in Daniel’s neck. “Next time I will come. Of course only if you still want this.”
“I’ll always want you at my home, Max,” Daniel says.
Daniel shifts their bodies so they are lying down on the bed but he does not let go of Max. Max feels warm for the first time in months. It’s incredible how Daniel can make him feel that way with just a few words and some gentle touches. Then again Daniel has always been special. He has always known how to handle Max.