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The first time Hanbin woke up, it was still pitch black around him. He was covered in sweat and could barely open his eyes because of how heavy they were. He felt cold and uneasy, like he just had a nightmare that he couldn’t remember, but still, he closed his eyes again.
The next thing he knew, the sun was already out and Zhang Hao was sprawled next to him. It was unusual, since most of the time, his lover liked to snuggle up to him and act like he was glued onto his boyfriend. With his mind still half asleep, Hanbin quickly forgot about it and sat up on the bed. His side of the bed was facing the window, and he could already see the morning sun rays peeking through the curtains. He quickly glanced at his alarm clock ; 7:32. It was already time for him to get ready to go to work.
It was when he was about to stand up that he heard a groan emerge from behind him.
“Honey?” Asked Hanbin without turning around.
Another groan answered him.
“What time is it?” Said Zhang Hao in a sleepy voice.
“Almost seven forty. I have to go to the office today, and you should start getting ready too.”
As Hanbin got on his feet, he had this ominous feeling coming from his guts, telling him that something was off. It was strange, today was just like their ordinary mornings, but he just couldn’t shake this feeling off. He turned around, to find his lover still laying on his side, his head almost covered up by the comforter, messed up hair sticking out of it.
Hanbin walked past him to go out of their shared bedroom, to start his day. He went to the bathroom, washed his face, went to the kitchen, started the coffee machine, and took out bread from the cupboard to make some toast, and that feeling of unease went away before he even noticed it.
But when breakfast was ready, Zhang Hao was still not up yet. So Hanbin decided to wake him up, because otherwise he would be late for work, and as the caring fiancé that he was, he wouldn’t want his lover to be scolded by his boss first thing in the morning. When he pushed the door of their bedroom, Zhang Hao was already awake, though still under the covers.
“Honey, why aren't you getting up? Hanbin asked in a gentle and kind tone, just like when he talks to babies and puppies.
Only silence answered him.
Hanbin walked closer to Hao, and that’s when he heard sniffing.
“Honey? Are you crying?”
Hanbin put his hand on Zhang Hao, where his shoulders likely were since he could only guess because he was still under the comforter. And since Hanbin didn't get an answer, he gently pushed what was covering Zhang Hao’s face aside, to see the face of his lover. And finally, they faced each other.
“It hurts.”
Zhang Hao’s cheeks were wet from the tears falling from his puffy eyes. Almost instantly, Hanbin opened his arms to hug his lover, whispering a stream of comforting words like he always used when someone he loved was in pain. But this time, something felt different.
“It hurts, Hao whispered against Hanbin’s neck, his voice muffled by his boyfriend's big sweater.”
They were used to comforting each other when one of them was hurt, and the pain seemed to go away quickly when they were in each other’s arms. But this time, Hao kept repeating the same thing again and again, as if Hanbin’s hug had the opposite effect.
“What's wrong honey? Tell me.” Said Hanbin.
There was a sort of desperation in his voice. Seeing his lover being hurt this badly while not knowing what to do made him feel helpless. He just gripped harder onto Hao, soothing him by gently rubbing his back.
“It hurts…”
“Where?”
“My back.”
Hanbin touched the place Zhang Hao usually complained about when he spent too much time sitting at his desk. Without him even asking, Hao shook his head, to tell his boyfriend that he wasn’t talking about this part of his body. Hanbin’s hands traveled higher on his spine, reaching Hao’s shoulder blades, and that’s when he realized something. It wasn’t a bruise, that was hurting Hao, nor a sore muscle. He palmed the area, sensing something protruding from his bones. It felt heavy and hard, but also fluffy at the same time.
“Hao take off your shirt.” Hanbin urged.
“No, I don’t wanna… It hurts so much and the only thing you want is to see me naked?”
It was clear that even if he tried to whine in an unserious tone, it was all just to mask his pain because Hanbin could hear the tremor in his voice. He huffed.
“I am trying to see what is causing you so much pain”, he said in a slightly annoyed voice. So please just take it off.”
He was starting to sound desperate now, and Hao complied. He detached himself from his lover's embrace and slowly, he took off his pajama shirt. Hanbin stood up and walked to the bed’s headboard until he could see his back.
Wings. Two small feathery wings were attached to Hao’s shoulder blades, the fluffy and hard thing Hanbin touched earlier. The sight was truly mesmerizing and otherworldly. How could something like this happen? He reached out to touch them, but held back at the last moment, afraid of tainting their pure white color with his hands and also because he wouldn’t want to hurt Hao even more.
“I think… It doesn’t hurt as much now.” Said Hao.
He had turned his head to look at Hanbin, his teary eyes now drying up. Hao twisted his neck to look behind him.
“Oh. So that was why.”
He paused.
“Does it mean I should make holes in my shirts to avoid the pain from the pressure of the fabric? I think that's why it was hurting me so bad.”
Hanbin pinched his arm. He was dreaming, right? Zhang Hao was acting like all of this was normal, but this kind of scenario only happened in movies and fantasy books.
“Are you not, like, worried about what is happening? Should we call the doctor?”
Hao remained silent, calmly pondering about what to do now. It was like he wasn’t phased at all about what was happening to his body, making Hanbin seem even more worried in comparison.
“No, I mean… What can he do? I’m sure he isn’t treating pain caused by growing wings every Monday.”
He extended his arms to stretch, and jumped off of the bed, still shirtless. He smiled at Hanbin, in an almost sad and resigned way and turned around to make his way to the door of their bedroom.
“So now I just have to cut some holes in the back of my shirts.”
…
For several days, they lived just like that. Every time Hanbin asked about the wings on his back, Zhang Hao just shrugged and changed the subject. He said it didn't hurt anymore, and that was all that mattered. The fact that they kept getting bigger and bigger with each passing day didn’t concern him. No one else seemed to have noticed them either. Truthfully, it was driving Hanbin insane, because he would bring up the subject each time they were with someone they were both close to, but no one seemed ever to see these big white things hanging from Hao's back. Most just jokingly asked if Hanbin was trying to prank them because they didn't see wings anywhere, and even Matthew, who was usually so good at sensing when something was wrong with the couple, didn't say anything. But since they could both see it, surely it meant that he wasn't hallucinating, right?
This time when Hanbin woke up, he felt something poking the back of his head. It feels soft and hard at the same time. He flopped around to face the other side and came face to face with Hao's wings, which had tripled in size since the day they found them. He stood back still under the comforter, and he realized that they took most of the space in the bed now. If they grew even slightly more, he would be falling off the bed.
“Hi.”
Hanbin looked to his right and saw Hao's still half-asleep face. He smiled at him, and he smiled back. Those growing wings were causing space problems, but since they were attached to one of the people Hanbin loved the most on Earth, it was alright — or at least he could bear with them for his sake. It wasn't like he was doing it on purpose.
“Hi,” Hanbin greeted back. “Good morning.”
Zhang Hao carefully sat up and balanced himself out of the bed.
“Gosh, these aren't helping my back pain.”
Hanbin watched mesmerized, as his lover stretched out his body, and walked around the bedroom to get his clothes, his newly grown wings moving with him as if nerves had developed inside them. When Hao exited the room, Hanbin quickly got up and followed him. Hao was now used to spreading his wings wide each time he had the space to do so, just so he could be more comfortable. It was truly a sight for sore eyes. As much as those wings were cumbersome, Hanbin felt like it made Hao look exquisitely angelic. He had accepted the weird and uneasy feelings that he had felt the first several days and even though they seemed to be out of place in public, at home, it just made him feel warm, almost in a way that made him want to tear up.
He walked to Hao, who was making breakfast for both of them and embraced him from behind, sighing and holding back his tears.
“Oh honey, why are you acting so clingy all of a sudden ?”
“As if you didn't like it”, Hanbin pouted.
“What are you saying… If this is a way to ask for attention you should know that you already got it. Now you should let go of me because I'm about to make scrambled eggs and I wouldn't want any of us to get burned.”
Hanbin mumbled a few more incoherent sounds of protest, before detaching himself from Hao. He hopped on the other side of the kitchen island and sat on it, watching his lover prepare breakfast. What he didn't realize was that in the mirror across the living room, Hao's reflection was slowly fading away..
…
Their hands were intertwined, but it was Hanbin who was gripping tight onto Hao.
For some reason, he had kept thinking and dreaming about his lover disappearing. So unconsciously, he wanted to be sure that he wouldn't be evaporating into thin air anytime soon — like it was even possible. But again, he had grown wings over the past few weeks so Hanbin was ready to believe in anything at this point.
He kept asking him if he knew what was happening, or why was it precisely wings , like he could answer all his questions, but Hao kept repeating that he didn't know more than him. It was starting to annoy him, Hanbin could see it. Sometimes, he could catch a glimpse of sadness in Hao's eyes, like he was about to cry. Hanbin asked him multiple times what was happening to him, but his lover kept repeating that he was fine. Hanbin was sure he wasn't. He always knew when something was wrong, and this time something was definitely off.
Tonight, he wanted to ask again. Maybe it was the night air or their slightly tipsy minds from the wine they sipped during their time at the restaurant, but Hanbin hoped that it would help Hao say what was on his mind.
“So, you really don't know where or why…?” Hanbin tried to ask.
“Where or why what?”
They both stopped walking when they were almost in the middle of the bridge. The wind was blowing softly, but enough to move the branches and the trees on the other side of the river. Hanbin looked at Hao, who turned his head almost at the same moment.
“The wings.”
“Are you still thinking about that?” Hao retorted sharply.
Hanbin took two more steps, to be in front of Hao.
“Yeah… I mean, it's so strange, don't you think? No one except us two can see them, they've been growing so much and they used to hurt you in the beginning, and each time I asked you about them you avoided the subject as if you knew something I didn't and refused to tell me.”
Hanbin paused, unsure of how to phrase what he wanted to say. He reached to his other half's hands to gently hold them like how he did when they confessed to each other. They were almost as cold as stone, so he started gently rubbing them to warm him.
“It's just… I just want you to know that you can trust me and tell me what's burdening you. I'll make sure to do anything I can to help you.”
Hanbin smiled, in this unsure and almost upset smile that tried to convey how he felt toward this topic. He was biting his lips out of nervousness because he felt like he was about to push too far and cross Hao's boundaries. It was perhaps the first time Hanbin felt like this, usually, they were so in tune with each other's feelings that they never had to set said boundaries ; they just instinctively knew.
Hanbin felt like he was extremely lucky to have met Zhang Hao. But these days, it was like something was off. Well, he knew what had changed, but he felt like something had shifted in their relationship in the wrong way. Being unsure of what to say and afraid of Hao's reaction was telling.
Hao clutched his hands harder and Hanbin could feel him almost tremble, but he didn't respond. They stood there, next to the street lights, under the starry sky and the soft whispers of the wind weeping for someone long gone. It wasn't until Hanbin saw his lover's wet cheeks that he reacted.
“Oh baby what's wrong?” He asked in a shaky voice.
Hao only sobbed harder. So Hanbin let go of his hands and took him in his arms, in a gentle and careful hug. For a long moment, they held onto each other, finding comfort from their embrace.
“Why are you doing this? You're just hurting yourself more,” said Hao, his voice muffled by Hanbin's puffer jacket.
“What do you mean?” Hanbin whispered back. I don't understand.
“I can't… I can't explain,” he hesitated. “You'll understand soon enough.”
Hao's voice broke after the last sentence, and even though this answer just created more questions for Hanbin, he didn't ask them. His grip on his lover's back became stronger.
“I won't be asking anything anymore then, he assured him. Let's go home.”
…
As promised, Hanbin let go of all the questions. It wasn't like he just forgot them all, but he forced himself to stop thinking about them for Hao’s sake until he really stopped caring about getting answers. It was what a lover was supposed to be doing, right? Acknowledging and embracing all the flaws, bad habits, and quirks of the person you were in love with. He just had to sleep in a different position to be comfortable next to Hao's wings.
It had rained all day today, and Hanbin just came home from work, soaked from head to toe just from the walk from the subway station to their apartment building. The wind did not help, because it meant that using his umbrella equaled risking breaking it.
“I'm home,” Hanbin announced as he stepped inside their apartment.
Zhang Hao's distant voice answered him and told him that he was in the living room. The whole place was dark, because of the weather but also because he didn't care to turn on the light. Only the stormy sky lit up their apartment. After taking off his shoes and coat, Hanbin walked eagerly to kiss and hug him, and he found him hunched over their coffee table, where their vinyl player was sitting.
“Hi, care to dance with me?” Hao asked as he straightened up.
He walked up to Hanbin and offered him his hand, while the vinyl he had put in the player started the first song. Even though it was a Wednesday, he was wearing comfortable clothes, a loose sweater and pants. Usually, he came home a bit later than Hanbin, but he has been home a lot these days.
“I'd love to, honey, but I'm wet from the rain, I will get your clothes dirty.”
“Don't worry about it.” Hao smiled.
He stepped toward Hanbin, closing the distance separating them, and took his hand. He held gently while reaching to the other one, to place it on his hips. He pulled himself to Hanbin, touching his torso with his, and placed his head on his neck, that same place which was so comfortable it seemed to be built just for him. Hanbin smiled fondly and accepted his lover's invitation. The latter was placed right next to his tattoo and each time he breathed, he would blow air on his neck, tickling him.
They started a languid dance in the middle of the star-lit living room. They slipped and turned around slowly, but the atmosphere was full of this feeling, so hard to name but inducing so many bubbles inside their stomachs. It was as if the stars just exploded right on top of them, creating a symphony of sparks, little pieces of infinity slow-dancing in the dark in harmony with them.
It was Hao who controlled the pace, even though he was the one being held by Hanbin's arms, who was trying to find something to say. Because it was all so eerie, that he felt like anything could disappear right at this moment, leaving them alone twirling under the kind watchful eyes of the universe. Perhaps he just wanted to make sure that this wasn't all a dream because it was the first time he ever felt like that in their almost ten-year relationship. His heart was pounding fast, and time and space seemed to have been blurred together, making him feel so warm and complete.
…
The first time Hanbin awoke, it was still pitch black around him. He was covered in sweat and could barely open his eyes because of how heavy they were. He felt cold and uneasy, like he just had a nightmare that he couldn't remember, but still, he closed his eyes again.
The next thing he knew, he was fully awake, in a bed that wasn't his. Everything, including the harsh light that was pointed right at his eyes, felt so blurry, like his vision had suddenly decreased. He felt weak, like he hadn't moved for days, and dizzy like he had just passed out. He had no strength to sit up, he only moved around a little bit to feel the sheets he was lying in and to see his surroundings.
“Are you awake, sir?” A stranger's voice asked.
She scared Hanbin a little bit. He opened his mouth to respond to her, but he couldn't recognize the voice that came out of it. He let out a few sounds, feeling his throat. It felt like he hadn't talked much lately and caught a very nasty cold. The woman in the room took these small sounds as an answer.
“How are you feeling?” She asked in a kind tone.
Empty was the word to describe how Hanbin felt at this moment.
“I don't know”, he answered in a trembling voice.
“Don't worry, you are safe now,” she assured him.
She was busy next to him, and when Hanbin turned to his side, he saw her handling all sorts of small wires and a digital panel, which he couldn't confuse for something else.
“Am I… at the hospital?”
“Yes, you are.”
She answered simply and honestly, but Hanbin almost wished she had lied to him, even if just looking at his surroundings was telling enough.
“What happened?” He whispered.
He didn't know why he asked, because he did not want to know. The woman, who was most probably a nurse, explained right away.
“We found you passed out on Dongjak bridge. You were extremely weak so you were directly transported here. It’s been a few days now, we were waiting for you to wake up naturally because of —”
He remembered now. He had decided that tonight was the right night to go, and he tried to jump.
“What about Hao?”
Again, he didn’t know why he asked questions he feared the answers to. He wanted to get up and run far away, because deep inside he knew what she was going to say.
“You mean Zhang Hao? The 21-year-old male living under the same address as you?” She paused for a brief moment and Hanbin almost prayed for her to stop talking, though he didn’t interrupt her. “I'm sorry to tell you this but he passed away a few days before you've been admitted to the hospital.”
And that was how it all came back to him.