Archive of Our Own

15

Everyone in the Port Mafia knew about the crush Dazai Osamu harbored for his partner, Nakahara Chuuya. 

It was obvious to everyone except himself apparently. 

They had only been partners for a few months, but they grew close to each other fast. No one in the mafia would have expected the two to ever get along, but they were all proven wrong. 

Dazai never admitted to his crush, always denying that claim, yet he would never deny all those allegations about him staring at the redhead for too long. 

Like today. 

They had just gone back from a long mission, and were submitting the ir report to Mori. Dazai has always hated the atmosphere in the older man’s office, it was suffocating in a way. 

So while Chuuya was speaking to their boss, Dazai made himself busy by staring at the redhead’s face, documenting all the little freckle sprinkled all over his cheeks. 

He doesn’t realize he’s been spacing out until Mori says his name out of the blue. “Chuuya, Dazai. You’ve both done a good job. I think you two deserve a break, have the rest of the week off.” Mori smiles at them, but Dazai grimaces. 

Chuuya nods, “Thank you, Boss.” He turns to leave the office, Dazai following, but Mori stops them. 

“Hold on you two. Before you leave, Kouyou handed me two carnival tickets. One of her courtesans gave them to her, but she didn’t need them, so she just left it here for me,” Chuuya raises an eyebrow at Mori, waiting for the rest of the story as he takes a pause, “I don’t need these either, so might as well pass them over to you two. Do with it whatever you want. If you two decide to go together, go ahead. You can leave now.” He dismisses them with a wave, and Chuuya takes the two tickets from Mori, stashing them into his pocket. 

Once they exit his office, Chuuya lets out a sigh of disbelief. “Carnival tickets? Would you even want to go? Doesn’t sound like your kinda thing…” 

Dazai chuckles, thinking about it. What is there to do at a carnival? He’s watched movies about it, how there are rides you can possibly die on, the greasy junk food, the rigged games… Overall, it’s very juvenile. 

“Would you want to go with me?” Dazai asks him curiously. He’s sure the redhead will say no, but he wants to hear it directly from him. 

Chuuya rolls his eyes, continuing to inspect the tickets in his hold. “I bet you’ll make the entire trip annoying… Maybe I can go with one of my subordinates instead, like Yuki , he’s really nice.” 

Yuki? Who the hell is Yuki? And why does Chuuya want to invite him out of all people to the carnival? 

An ugly feeling is stirring up inside of Dazai, a feeling he can’t quite name. “Hey, I never said I didn’t want to go!” He whines, and Chuuya just sighs. 

“Fine then. Let’s go tomorrow. You better not be late, Shiity Dazai.” Chuuya slips the ticket into the brunet’s pocket, walking away from him. 

The bandaged boy examines the wrinkled ticket, and a smile unknowingly creeps onto his face. 

Surely tomorrow will be an eventful day. 

***

Dazai was right. The next day was eventful. 

It started off with him meeting Chuuya at his apartment. He arrived at around 5 pm, which isn’t too late since the carnival opened 30 minutes prior. Dazai has been in Chuuya’s apartment several times already, but that’s usually for when he breaks in, nothing like this. 

This being him all dressed up for some carnival. He wasn’t wearing anything too fancy. Just for today, he got rid of the dark coat and the mafia getup. Dazai actually bought some clothes the day before, since he doesn’t have a lot. 

It’s strange. It’s not like he’s excited to go to the carnival with Chuuya or something, but he just knew he had to look presentable for the other boy, otherwise he might get cursed out for looking like shit…

Anyways. 

He was wearing a grayish blue corduroy jacket with a white shirt and some black pants. He kept his bandages on however, not bothering to remove them. It was weird looking at himself in the mirror. For once he looked like a regular teenager instead of the mafioso character he’s put up with for a while now. 

Dazai doesn’t bother knocking on Chuuya’s door. He picks the lock as always and lets himself in, searching for the redhead. 

“Shit, is that you, Dazai?” A voice calls out to him from the bathroom, and the brunet immediately makes his way over. 

“Of course it’s me, Chuuya! Are you ready?” He notices the bathroom door slightly ajar. Dazai shifts towards it and peeks through the small crack. 

The only thing he sees is Chuuya’s back. The redhead was brushing his hair. 

Dazai backs up from the door, feeling like a pervert for spying on his partner. He eventually just leaves the hallway and lies down on his couch, making himself comfortable. 

After a few minutes of waiting, he heard the bathroom door swing open and there stood Chuuya. 

He was wearing a dark denim jacket with a red hoodie and some jeans. He even left out that stupid hat that covered up Chuuya’s pretty hair. Dazai isn’t surprised by the way he dresses outside of work. 

Dazai unknowingly lets his gaze linger, causing the redhead to raise an eyebrow at him. “So? Should we leave now?” 

He nods, leaping off the couch. 

The brunet won’t admit it out loud, but damn. 

Chuuya looked good. 

They were about to leave his apartment before Chuuya stopped him. “ Wait! Do you have your ticket with you, or did you forget to bring it?” He gave Dazai a stern look, but the bandaged boy just grinned. 

Dazai fished the crinkled piece of paper from his pocket and waved it in front of Chuuya’s face. “Of course I remembered! Who do you think I am?” His voice was incredulous, but the redhead didn’t care. 

“I think you’re an annoying bastard. Whatever, let’s just go. I looked up the address and it actually isn’t too far away, so we can walk there.” 

Ugh, walking… “It would be so much easier if we just called for a car! But of course, it seems that dogs prefer taking walks!” 

The first dog joke of the day. Dazai smiled, mentally patting himself in the back for that clever comment. 

Chuuya, as expected, blows up at him, throwing a kick to his head in a flash. Too bad for him, Dazai has already memorized all his moves. “Asshole! Stop calling me your dog, dammit! That stupid bet doesn’t count at all!” 

Dazai tuts, putting a finger on the other boy’s lips, silencing him, “Of course it does, Chuuya! You agreed to it, and lost! You have to accept it!” 

The redhead lets out a loud groan, stomping away from the bandaged boy, but Dazai strides by his side. 

The rest of the walk was mostly silent, save for a few bantering between the two. It was fun. Dazai’s glad they decided to walk instead of driving there. 

They arrived soon enough, and the carnival was easy to spot from a mile away. The place was huge, and there were rides that were sticking out like a sore thumb. Dazai saw a lot of little kids along with couples entering the carnival. 

Dazai turns to Chuuya, flashing him a grin, “Are you ready to go in?” 

The redhead rolls his eyes, pushing Dazai’s face away. “Of course. This is my first time ever going to a carnival…” He mutters, and Dazai hums, agreeing to his statement. 

“Same. I was never really interested in going, not that I had anyone to go with anyways.” They stand in line waiting to get to the front, slowly inching closer. 

It took a while, but they finally reached the counter towards the woman checking the tickets. She greeted them with a smile, and took their tickets. “Enjoy! You two seem like a lovely couple!” 

Chuuya visibly cringed, but he gave the woman a strained smile back, not bothering to correct her. Dazai laughed at the interaction, but he received a punch to the stomach for that. 

First step into the carnival, the first thing that registers is the smell of corn dogs and funnel cake. Dazai unknowingly licks his lips.There were little kids running around, and he could also hear people screaming on the rides. 

It was all so overstimulating, almost giving Dazai a headache. 

Chuuya turns to him, eyebrow raised, “So what should we do first?” 

Dazai thinks for a moment before coming up with an answer, “We should go on the rides first., and then go eat and play the games later. I think it'd be easier that way.”

Chuuya nods, and they continue walking, looking at all the rides that this carnival has. There was a dingy rollercoaster, spinning cups, a swing ride, and other smaller rides for the little kids. Chuuya points to the ride with the swings, and pulls on Dazai’s arm. “Let’s ride that one first! The rollercoaster looks cool, so let’s save that one for last.” 

Dazai doesn’t object, and lets himself be dragged towards the line of the swing ride. Even while they were in line, Chuuya’s hold on his arm didn't relent. His hand is warm against Dazai’s skin, and the brunet hopes he won’t ever let go. 

Too bad he does. 

The wait doesn’t take too long, seeing as the ride was only about a minute long anyway. They reach the front of the line, and they immediately sit down on two swings, putting on their buckles. It was funny seeing Chuuya struggle with his belt. He turned to Dazai and shot a glare at him, “Stop fucking laughing, you idiot!” 

But that only spurred Dazai on, “It’s too funny, Chuuya! You look like a little kid!” Dazai points at him and Chuuya only fumes even more. 

“Shut up!” Chuuya continued to thrash in his seat, trying to reach over to Dazai, but ultimately failed due to the swing rapidly shaking side to side. 

They were making too much ruckus, and an employee even had to come over and scold them, “You need to stop moving around so much, yor buckle can undo!” 

Chuuya grits his teeth, letting his head fall down, “Sorry…” 

When the employee walks away, Dazai only laughs even louder. 

He forgets that they’re even on a ride, and gets startled when the announcer gets on the speaker and the swings begin to lift up. 

Dazai’s feet are dangling in the air, and he smiles looking over to Chuuya who wasn’t nearly as impressed as him. Understandable, the redhead is probably used to being in the sky anyway. 

“So is this what being a gravity manipulator feels like?” Dazai jokes, and Chuuya rolls his eyes, smirking back though. 

“Pretty much, yeah. Except my hair isn’t all up in my face though…” As Chuuya says that, his long hair whips him on the face, and he tries to shake his head to get it off. 

The ride was fun. The swings were fast, and it all felt so exhilarating. Chuuya seemed to enjoy himself too, ignoring all the hair getting stuck to his cheeks. In the air, Dazai could see the city in the distance. He never got the chance to appreciate Yokohama’s beauty, but now on these swings, Dazai truly sees how nice the city looks. 

It ended just as fast as they got on, and they went to look for more rides. 

Their next stop was the rollercoaster, and that attraction had a lot more people waiting in line. Before they went there though, Dazai complained to Chuuya. “I’m thirsty! Let’s go get drinks first!” 

Chuuya sighs, but nods anyway, “Actually, that sounds like a good idea. Let’s go.” 

There were a lot of food stalls, so they had a lot of options to choose from. Dazai’s eyes go over towards a tiny stall, one selling slushies. “Ooh, let’s go buy from over there!” He drags Chuuya along and the redhead lets him, not putting up a fight for once. 

The man working at the stall greets them with a warm smile. He had a very welcoming presence, anyone could tell, “Hello! Ya guys lookin’ to order?” 

“Yup! One cherry slushie and…” Dazai turns to Chuuya to ask for his order. 

“Blue raspberry please.” He says. The man nods and immediately gets started on their slushies. 

It didn’t take long for them to get their drinks, “Have a fun rest of your time here!” He tells them. 

They walk away from the stand, heading towards the rollercoaster. Dazai makes a disgusted look towards Chuuya’s slushie however, “Blue raspberry? Ugh! How gross…” He pinches his nose, and that irritates Chuuya. 

He scoffs, taking a large gulp from his slushie and points the middle finger towards Dazai, “Blue raspberry is elite! Way better than cherry!” 

“Is not!”

“It definitely is! Try it for yourself, you shithead!” Chuuya shoves his slushie into Dazai’s arms, and the brunet gives him a pointed look. 

“Fine, I’ll give it a taste. Only if you taste mine though!” He hands his slushie over to Chuuya who begrudgingly takes it. They take a pause in walking, too focused on switching slushies. 

They each take small sips, silently judging each other’s drink choice. Dazai gives Chuuya’s gross drink back. “Yeah, I still don’t like it…” 

 “Pfft. And cherry still tastes like shit. Glad we have our opinions…” Chuuya grumbles quietly, but Dazai just laughs at him. 

The two of them eventually reach the rollercoaster line, and it’s at least shorter than it was before they got their drinks. They waited in line with the rest of the people, the screams of those on the ride was deafening. 

Dazai is the one to start the conversation, “What if they stop you at the front of the line because you’re too short to ride?”

Chuuya kicks him in the ankle, resulting in Dazai almost falling over, “I am not that short! Besides, there are kids shorter than me going on this ride!” 

The brunet laughs hard, holding onto his stomach as if what Chuuya said was the funniest thing in the world. “Hm. This has been really fun actually. I’m enjoying myself for once, Chuuya!” Dazai says to the shorter boy, who agrees with his statement. 

“Yeah me too. I’m glad Mori let us have this mini vacation. I really needed it.” 

As they were having their own little conversation, a group of boys behind them started pointing at them and laughing. Chuuya turned around and gave them a glare, crossing his arms, “The fuck are you laughing about?!” 

One of the boys gave him a smug smile, and Chuuya wanted to knock him in the face for it. Dazai wouldn’t stop him. “Oh nothing… We just noticed that you two have matching purple tongues. Was the makeout session that good?” 

Chuuya gave the boy a scandalized look. He was seriously tempted to punch that boy and the rest of his friends, but he didn’t want to make a scene here and get kicked out. 

Instead, he looks at Dazai and opens his mouth, “Is my tongue actually purple?” 

The brunet nods, opening his mouth too, “Yeah, what about mine?” 

Chuuya sighs, giving him a thumbs up, “Fuck. Now people might actually think we kissed or something. It’s so stupid…” He doesn’t want to face Dazai, and turns the other way. 

“Haha yeah… I mean, who would want to kiss you?” 

Chuuya doesn’t reply, still not facing him. 

Dazai is somewhat disappointed at that, but at least he got to see the cute way Chuuya’s cheeks burned a bright red. 

Cute? What is he even talking about?

Dazai shakes his head. He’s just being stupid. There’s no way he finds that hatrack cute.

Those stupid boys continued to laugh behind them, but Dazai paid them no mind. Besides, now that dumb idea of him and Chuuya making out is stuck in his mind. He blushes just thinking about it. There’s a tiny part of him that wants to explore that idea, but he doesn’t entertain it even further. 

The rest of their time waiting is cut short, and they’re finally at the front waiting to be seated. 

They both chose the very front coaster of course, and Chuuya smiles wide, excited for the ride. As they both settle in, Dazai hears the announcer counting off, and feels the ride slowly moving. 

It took them a while to get to the top, and the anticipation was killing Dazai. He looked over to Chuuya, who was closing his eyes, still smiling. He felt his heart stop for a moment, but not because of the rollercoaster. 

They drop downwards and many people are screaming, including Chuuya, though it wasn;t out of fear. He was whooping like one would at a concert or party. The other boy looked so genuinely happy, and Dazai yelled along with him. 

Needless to say, their experience with the rollercoaster was much better than expected. 

At this point, they were done with the rides, since everything else was for little kids. They directed their attention to the carnival games, the ones that were mostly rigged. 

That was when Dazai came up with a wonderful idea, “Wanna make a bet?” He looked over at Chuuya with a mischievous smile. 

The redhead let out an annoyed sigh, “What is it now? If it has something to do with me becoming your dog again, I’ll curb stomp you, I swear.” 

Dazai raised his hands, acting all innocent, “No! Nothing like that! Actually, nevermind, something close to that. I was going to say that whoever wins the most games gets to do whatever they want to the other person for one whole hour!” 

Chuuya frowns, thinking about the offer, before smirking at the taller teen, “Fine. Would you be able to claim the one hour any time you want though?” 

Dazai nods, but gives Chuuya a cheeky grin, “Don’t be so cocky now, Chuuya! What makes you think you’ll win?” 

The redhead tsks, already running towards a game, “I just know I will! These games are already rigged, so you can’t cheat your way further!” 

Chuuya goes over towards the strength tester game with the hammer. Dazai rolls his eyes, because of course Chuuya would choose a game like this. All muscles, no brain. The redhead grips onto the hammer, and with a smug smirk, slams it down onto the base. Immediately, the bell on the top of the machine rings and the lights go off, signaling a clear win. 

Dazai noticed that the top of the machine broke a little, from the insane amount of force Chuuya exerted against it. It was kinda hot. 

The person working for this game had their mouth wide open, staring in bewilderment as he held out a large stuffed animal for Chuuya. “Ha! I wanna see you try and win something as big as this!” 

Dazai scoffs and he heads over to the game with balloons and darts. This will be easy. The brunet gets a total of five darts, and he’s not worried at all. 

He just has to hit all the yellow balloons, the ones for the major prices. He releases the first dart, and it hits the yellow balloon spot on. He does the same for the rest of his darts, and with precise accuracy, pops all the yellow balloons. Of course he would be good at this game, he was a master at using guns, it’s basically the same thing. 

The person working there gives him an equally large stuffed toy, and he brags about it to Chuuya. “You’re just all strength. I’d like to see you attempt to do this, pipsqueak.” 

Chuuya lets out an annoyed grunt, and stomps away to another game. 

Needless to say, they went on a rampage. It scared off all the workers behind the rigged games, and by the end of the night, they had stuffed animals piling on top of each other. It was almost too heavy to carry. 

They got so carried away winning the games, that the owners of the carnival kicked them out. 

The two of them left laughing, Chuuya using his ability to carry all the large stuffed animals. 

When they eventually got home and counted the stuffed animals, it turns out Chuuya did win! He had the most stuffed animals. Dazai groaned as he was subjected to multiple rounds of teasing.

The very next day Chuuya forced the brunet to give him a massage for all the heavy lifting Dazai forced him to do on their most recent mission. 

While it was sucky being ordered around, it was all worth it in the end. 

***

16

Chuuya was in a terrible mood. Dazai immediately recognized it. 

Well, Chuuya has already been feeling like shit recently. The whole situation with Verlaine had passed, and Dazai could tell that he was missing his friends more and more by the day. 

He just didn’t know it would despair Chuuya so much. To the point where the other boy was losing control of himself and his powers. 

Everyone had noticed, and Mori wanted this show of weakness gone. 

Dazai decided that he would go and cheer up his little friend. It was late at night, but Dazai still went over to Chuuya’s apartment, and as usual, let himself in. 

Stepping inside, he takes in the state of the apartment. The usually spotless living area is cluttered with a couple alcohol bottles, and dirty plates. Chuuya prides himself on being tidy, so this was the first red flag Dazai sees. 

The second was the lack of lights. Chuuya would have his lamps on at least, but the entire apartment was pitch black, save for the redhead’s bedroom which was at the end of the hallway. 

For once though, Dazai was calm. 

Meanwhile Chuuya was having the worst day of his life. 

Chuuya locked himself in his apartment, muted his phone, and drank himself to oblivion. His eyes were red rimmed, and his throat was dry. The tears and screams he bit back while watching the life drain out of Albatross were regurgitating as he finally allowed himself to feel. It felt like there was a knocking in his head that wouldn’t subside. He didn’t want anyone to see him in such a state. 

Of course that didn’t stop Dazai from being the annoying shit he was. 

All Chuuya wanted to do was to sleep and drown away the painful thoughts. If the Flags were still alive right now, they’d probably be swarming Chuuya in his bed treating him as if he was an injured puppy, Albatross would be laughing at him, pointing out how red he is. Lippman would be sitting on his bed right next to him talking calmly with his soothing voice, while Pianoman would prop up a pillow or two behind Chuuya’s head. Iceman would probably be the one putting, well, ice over Chuuya’s forehead to cool him down. Doc would be spouting out some nonsense that Chuuya would intently listen to, even if it was all bullshit. Yet despite all the fuss and whining from Chuuya about how he isn’t a child, deep down the redhead would be happy that they’re surrounding him and taking care of him like that. 

He misses them dearly. 

The daydreams weren’t helping, in fact it was making everything worse. He wants to forget. He wants to forget the sickening bloodbath that was the Old World on that day. 

Chuuya feels the lump in throat get bigger, and he tries to swallow it down, but to no avail. His bed is cold and there is no one by his side. 

No one by his side except Dazai who was peering over him in the corner of his room. 

It was strange seeing Chuuya in such a sorry state. 

Dazai knows how important they were to Chuuya. He was there on that day too. He’s never seen the other boy so beaten down. 

On that day, the spark from Chuuya’s eyes disappeared. His fiery personality started slowly dying, as if someone had poured a bucket of water over him. 

As much as Dazai hated Chuuya, he hated seeing him so depressed even more. 

Of course this doesn’t mean he likes Chuuya! It’s just that his dog isn’t doing his job of looking out for Dazai or doing his paperwork for him! That’s all! It means absolutely nothing when Dazai goes to cheer him up!

Dazai crept close to Chuuya, putting his hand over the other boy’s forehead. He wasn’t surprised to feel an intense warmth. 

 “...Chuuya? Are you okay?” He kneels down next to him and hears quiet mumbling. So Chuuya was asleep… Dazai sighs, picking up the tossed blanket and draping it over the redhead. 

He’ll probably just stay in Chuuya’s apartment until the morning and wait for the redhead to wake up. Dazai was hoping that he would be awake by this time, but he supposes that talking in the morning will have to do. 

So he plops himself onto the couch and lays there, trying to get some rest. Hopefully Chuuya won’t be too hungover in the morning. 

***

Dazai was unfortunately stuck with a whining, grumpy Chuuya, He was indeed hungover. The brunet woke up to the sounds of footsteps, and looked over his shoulder to see Chuuya emptying his stomach in the bathroom. 

When he got up to check up on him, the redhead barely looked up. “Tsk, tsk. Of course you’re making even more of a mess, as expected of a dog.” Dazai taunts him, hoping to get at least a small reaction out of the shorter man. 

But Chuuya didn’t yell at him or throw punches like he usually did. Instead he grumbled something incoherent before yet again passing out. 

Dazai sighs, picking the smaller boy from the bathroom floor and dragging him to the couch. The brunet has never seen Chuuya in such a sorry state, he almost pities him, but he knows all too well how much Chuuya hates being pitied. 

Now Dazai rarely drinks himself into passing out, but he definitely has experience dealing with hangovers. He makes his way over to Chuuya’s medicine cabinet, knowing very well where the redhead puts his painkillers. Chuuya would always wake up with a headache after drinking himself into oblivion, often complaining about it to the brunet. It’s only natural that Dazai prepares one, just in case. He also fills up a cup of water and looks through Chuuya’s pantry. ‘He’s probably hungry too…’ He thinks to himself. The problem is, Dazai sucks at cooking. He knows at least the bare minimum, but that’s it. 

He finds Chuuya’s phone on the ground and picks it up. Takeout it is. 

In the meantime, he’ll just keep himself occupied by messing around Chuuya’s apartment. He drew a tiny little dog on Chuuya’s face and snapped a picture, before proceeding to take a million more photos. 

Dazai hears the doorbell ring and takes it as a sign that the take out has arrived. While he pays the delivery man the money using Chuuya’s card, he can actually hear the redhead stirring in the background, making unintelligible grumbles. 

“Oh, Chuuya’s finally awake!” Dazai exclaims, placing the food in front of him. 

“Wh— What are you doing in my apartment?!” Contrary to how he was not even an hour ago, Chuuya was now lively and full of energy. 

“Hm? What do you mean, Slug? I’ve been here all this time! Since last night! Of course you don’t remember though…” Dazai brings the cup of water to Chuuya’s lips, and the redhead moves his head away.

“Ugh, js’ get the fuck outta here…” The redhead’s speech is slurred and Dazai just sighs at his stubbornness. 

“I’m not leaving. I’d much rather watch you suffer in person.” Dazai plainly says. He doesn’t actually want to see Chuuya in pain, but he won’t admit it out loud. He grabs a fork and tries to direct it into Chuuya’s mouth, but the other boy grits his teeth and turns his head. Chuuya isn’t quite happy with Dazai’s answer, and begins thrashing around. 

“ Why?! Why of all days must you annoy the shit out of me today?!” Chuuya snarls at Dazai, voice full of venom. The brunet is slightly startled. Chuuya must have been bottling everything in, his face was flushed red and his chest was heaving. Dazai puts the fork down, shoving it back into the takeout box and putting everything in the fridge. Chuuya definitely isn’t going to eat in this state. 

Dazai shakes his head at Chuuya, furrowing his eyebrows. He’s never dealt with Chuuya like this, should he wait it out? Deciding that that was the best course of action, Dazai picks up his coat and leaves Chuuya’s apartment. He will return later, hopefully when Chuuya isn’t in such a bad mood. 

***

Dazai arrived at Chuuya’s apartment later in the afternoon just as promised. The apartment was still in the same state as he left it, and Chuuya was yet again passed out, this time on the couch. He didn’t even have the energy to drag himself to bed? Dazai scoffed, and he moved towards the other boy who was still slumped over in an uncomfortable position. 

Dazai sighed, walking towards Chuuya’s kitchen to get the food he ordered earlier. He placed the container in the microwave to heat it up. 

He then went back to where Chuuya was knocked out then began to try and wake him up.

Dazai poked Chuuya’s cheek, “Wakey, wakey, Chuuya! It’s time to eat!” 

The other boy moaned, and slapped Dazai’s hand away. “I already told you to leave me alone…” 

Dazai tsks, waiting by Chuuya’s side to sit him up so he could eat. “You know I never listen to you… Now come on, Chuuya. It’s time to eat! You’re going to starve and kill yourself at this point. Suicide is my thing! I can’t have you stealing my thunder!” 

Chuuya lets out a noise of irritation, and promptly turns around so he wouldn’t have to face Dazai. “Ughhh… You talk too much…” 

“Chuuya.”

“...”

“Chuuya.”

“...”

“Chuuya…” 

“Oh my fucking God, what!?” 

“It’s time to eat!” Dazai huffed, ears perking up when he heard the ding of the microwave signaling that the food was ready. 

“Fine! If I eat, will you leave me alone?” 

Dazai nods, but doesn’t tell Chuuya that he will leave him alone only for a moment. He’s staying here with him in this apartment until his redhead friend feels better.

It’s not like Dazai likes Chuuya, he just hates the fact that his number one entertainment is down!

The brunet heads to the kitchen to collect the food. It was steaming hot, and Dazai placed the food down onto a plate. He brings it over to Chuuya who begrudgingly accepts. He takes slow tentative bites. It reminds Dazai of a little pigeon in a way. 

“Stop staring at me so much…” Chuuya grumbles. He probably tried to sound threatening to Dazai, but it didn’t work out so well as there was food spilling down the sides of his mouth. 

Dazai looks at him unimpressed, “Just keep eating, Slug.” 

The apartment is plunged into silence save for the sounds Chuuya makes while eating. Dazai doesn’t mind it at all, quietly humming to himself as he watches the other boy. 

After a while, Chuuya finishes up, his plate mostly empty. He chugs down the water Dazai so graciously put out for him and then he sighs. “Are you ever going to leave?” 

He gives Chuuya a wide grin, “Nope!” 

“Fine then. I want to go back to sleep.” Chuuya stands, stretching his arms out. He tries to walk towards the bedroom, but his gait is sluggish. Dazai notices and tries to help him out by holding onto his arm, but gets shoved away. 

Dazai rolls his eyes, but lets Chuuya continue to embarrass himself further. They eventually make it to the bedroom and Chuuya passes out almost immediately. 

“Ughhh…” 

Dazai takes a look at him and frowns, “Wouldn’t you want to sleep in clean clothes instead? I just know you’ll be bitching about it in the morning when you’re covered in sweat.” 

Chuuya stays quiet, but begins to shrug off his shirt, “Yeah, I’d actually want that. Can you pass me some clothes?” 

Dazai nods, and begins to rummage through Chuuya’s closet. He finds a plain t-shirt with a dog design and some shorts. Dazai chuckles looking at the silly shirt, and tosses it over to Chuuya, who glares at him for laughing. 

He changes clothes fast, and lets out a sigh of relief being in fresh clothes. Chuuya buries himself under his blankets once more, and Dazai stands there awkwardly, unsure of what to do. 

Should he just leave now? 

He sighs, turning towards the door to leave, but a hand around his wrist stops him from going. “Wait… Ugh, I hate saying this but don’t go… Not now, just—just stay, please…” Chuuya’s voice was no different than a hushed whisper, a complete contrast to the loud booming way he would project himself. 

Dazai froze upon contact, clearly caught off guard. He sighs once more, but this time it’s in a fond way. “Fine then. I guess I’ll keep the shortie some company…” He slid in next to Chuuya and slotted himself into the tiny space beside his bed. 

It was comfortable being under the covers with the other boy, and Dazai took a large inhale of the sheets around him. It smelled like comfort. 

Everything around him just reeked of Chuuya. 

He loves it. 

What? 

Why would he love the smell of Chuuya? Ugh, maybe all those pills Mori has been giving him to help with his insomnia were making him act up. 

The redhead turns his body to face Dazai, and for a moment, it’s just hazel eyes staring back at cerulean and mocha pools. Despite not having its usual vibrance, Chuuya’s eyes always managed to have light in them, even while he was struggling. 

It was one of the things Dazai admired about the other boy. His eyes always fascinated him. They held such fierce emotions, it was so human, and Dazai wanted nothing more than to drown in the alluring pools. 

Ew. 

Those nasty thoughts were coming back. 

Dazai wants to push away all the weirdness going on in his mind, but to no avail. What’s even worse is that Chuuya leans closer, so the space between them becomes narrower, and they are a mere inch apart. 

They were so close that Dazai could practically feel Chuuya’s heart beat thrumming against his chest. 

From here, he could see Chuuya’s puffy eyes and dark circles. He frowns. It should be illegal for Chuuya to be in this state. The redhead shifts towards Dazai, so now they are conveniently pressed against each other. “...Dazai?” 

“Yeah, Chuuya?” Dazai raises an eyebrow at him, even if the other boy couldn’t see because of the dark.

Even if the room was pitch black, Dazai was still able to make out Chuuya’s multicolored eyes in front of him staring back. “I know it’s kinda stupid, but… can you hold me?” 

Dazai’s mouth fell open. He didn’t expect to hear that out of Chuuya’s mouth. Perplexed, he kept quiet for a few minutes, still unsure if he was imagining things, “What?” 

Chuuya groaned, turning around in frustration, “Nevermind!” 

But Dazai didn’t want any of this. He scooted near Chuuya, and wrapped his arms around the smaller figure. He felt Chuuya tense underneath him, but ultimately relaxed against his hold. “Is this what you wanted, Chuuya?” 

“Shut up! I don’t want to be cuddling you out of all people! But it’s different tonight, okay?” 

“Oh? And what’s the reason for why it’s different tonight?” Dazai hummed, smiling against Chuuya’s neck. Compared to before where they were awkwardly staring at each other, this position is much more comfortable. 

Chuuya sighed, but he continued to huddle up with Dazai, “Your ability. It’s very calming… Usually I have so much tension in my body, but when you’re here it all vanishes.”

Dazai didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to think about the implications behind that statement, or what effect it might have for his rapidly beating heart. 

No Longer Human most of the time was an inconvenience. His ability made him feel very dull, like a doll sitting on a shelf for decoration, never to be played with. 

It was all so compelling now because of Chuuya.

He truly likes Dazai’s ability. 

The brunet shakes his head. He shouldn’t be thinking about this, and instead get more sleep. He tightens his hold around Chuuya, and buries his face into the crook of Chuuya’s neck. 

The boy underneath him felt so warm and cozy, and compared to Dazai whose body was ice cold, everything felt so comfortable. 

He drifts to sleep that night, for once he is content with himself. 

***

18

Dazai had left the mafia. 

Odasaku died, and he told Dazai to join the side of good. 

So that’s exactly what he was doing. 

But he can’t quite do it just yet, he has to wait until his betrayal to the Port Mafia boils over. It sucks being in hiding. It’s very boring and there isn’t anything to do. In the back of his mind he wishes that he had a certain redhead shortie by his side making life more colorful. 

But he doesn’t. 

Chuuya is still with the Port Mafia. He was never loyal to Dazai, and he never will be. Chuuya hates him, before when they were partners. He probably hates Dazai even more now, since he left the mafia. 

Why is he even thinking of Chuuya so much? It’s not like he cares about that shortie anyway, he’s just interesting company. 

Perhaps he doesn’t have to be missing his dog so much. 

He suddenly remembers that little tracker Dazai placed into Chuuya’s hat to keep watch of him. Dazai sits up from his spot on the musty futon. There was a wide grin on his face, and he rubs his hand together like a little villain just thinking about it. 

Dazai reaches over to grab his laptop, and boots it up. He goes to the tracker and beams when he sees that it’s still active. Checking Chuuya’s location, he sees that the redhead is at the grocery store. 

With newfound determination. He grabs his coat and heads outside. For the first time in what felt like years. 

***

Dazai arrived at the grocery store in ten minutes. It wasn’t too far away from where he was hiding, and using the tracker on his phone, it seems that Chuuya was still here. 

He enters the store as quietly as he can. It was the afternoon, so the grocery store was relatively crowded. He grabs a basket so he wouldn’t look too suspicious just randomly walking in like nothing. 

From afar, he spots crimson hair and he ducks behind a row of shelves. This would be the first time he’s seen Chuuya in months. 

He can feel his heart racing just seeing the other boy. 

Probably because he’s itching for entertainment, not because he misses Chuuya or something… 

There’s an old woman giving him a stern look for crouching down behind the shelves, but he doesn't pay her no mind. While he’s here, he should actually try and buy some groceries. It’s been a while since he’s had actual food instead of takeout. 

He heads towards the canned food section and when he spots the canned crabs, he dumps in at least five cans into his basket. He also got a sack of rice, one of the only things he can cook without burning. 

Dazai turns the corner and sees Chuuya again. He was looking at pasta and inspecting all the different kinds of noodles. Dazai laughs looking at the scene, and he discreetly takes out his phone to snap a picture. 

Just for the future, if he’s bored. Not because he wants to see Chuuya’s face or anything. 

Dazai continues to stalk Chuuya in the store. It looks like he’s having spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. He bought a lot of groceries. Is he inviting someone over to his apartment? 

He hears the redhead on his phone talking to someone, “Ryuu, you promised that you would have dinner with me tonight! You’ve been looking more pale recently, you need to eat a good meal! In fact, bring your sister Gin, too.” 

Oh. 

Dazai snickers. He figured that after he left the Port Mafia, Chuuya would take Akutagawa under his wing.

The bandaged boy makes note of all the items Chuuya has bought. 

3 boxes of pasta.

2 jars of tomato sauce.

5 different kinds of cheese.

Ground beef.

French basil. 

Olive oil.

Onions. 

And of course, a bottle of wine.

Dazai decides to buy the exact same items as Chuuya, and cook the spaghetti himself. He may not be as good of a cook as Chuuya, but he’ll try.

This would be the first time he’s cooked a proper meal. He’ll try his best not to burn his kitchen down, but no promises. 

When Dazai gets home and places out all the ingredients, he is clueless. He knows he has to boil the pasta first, but at what temperature? And how is he going to make the sauce and put it all together? 

He searches up a simple recipe, and tries to follow it as best as he can. 

It takes him a full hour to put everything together, but it was so worth it. 

For the first time in months, Dazai has actually made himself a proper meal. If Odasaku was looking down at him right now, Dazai’s sure he’d be proud. 

He sits himself down on his tiny table and places the plate of spaghetti and meatballs in front of him. He takes one bite. 

Dazai’s eyes go wide.

It’s not bad. 

Some parts of the pasta are burnt and hard, and the sauce could be a little more flavorful, but all in all, this meal wasn’t bad. 

Dazai pats himself in the back, grinning. “Ha! I didn’t even burn down my kitchen either!” He announces to no one. 

He wonders about Chuuya. His spaghetti and meatballs probably tasted better, and he was probably laughing and enjoying himself with the Akutagawa siblings at the moment. 

There’s a weird churning in his chest thinking about it, and he can almost taste Chuuya’s  pasta. 

Dazai sighs, wiping his plate clean and dumping it into his sink, not bothering to clean it. He can do that tomorrow. 

Stalking Chuuya was a good idea. Dazai should do it more. 

Dazai goes to sleep smiling, thinking about the next time he’ll bump into the redhead. 

***

The next time Dazai stalks Chuuya, was two weeks after the first. He was bored yet again, and like he did last time, he tracked the redhead’s location. 

He was at some bar. 

It was late at night, so Chuuya was probably knocked out drunk. He grins just thinking about all the funny rambling the redhead was going to make. 

He goes to the bar, and it takes him twenty minutes to get there. 

The bar itself looks pretty cozy. There weren't too many people here, so it made for a nice atmosphere. 

But Dazai didn’t care about any of that. 

He only cares about finding Chuuya, and there he was. 

Slumped over on the bar table, was the infamous Chuuya Nakahara, a glass of wine in his hand. He was lightly snoring, drool slipping out his mouth. Dazai snickers, taking a photo. 

The bartender comes over, “What would you like to drink, Sir?” Dazai hums, thinking about it. 

Actually he doesn’t need to think about it too hard, “Whiskey on rocks.” The bartender nods, and he pours out the drink for him. 

Dazai takes a small sip, focusing on Chuuya only. The redhead was babbling in his sleep, it was such a funny sight. Dazai taps him on the cheek, and Chuuya’s eyebrows furrow. Eventually, his eyes open and Dazai can tell how delirious Chuuya was. 

His face was pretty flushed, and Dazai laughed at how red he was. “Hi, Chuuya!” He enthusiastically waved to him, and Chuuya just scrunched his face in response. 

“Huh? I-Is that you, D’zai…?” His voice was hushed and low, like a whisper. 

“Yeah, it’s me Chuuya. How have you been?” The only reason why he’s having a conversation with Chuuya is because he knows the redhead wont remember the following day. 

Suddenly the drunk mafioso shifts in his seat, moving closer to Dazai. He even grabbed onto his collar like a brute! “You! You fuckin’ bastard! How dare you leave so abruptly and show your face here?!” 

Dazai stares at him with an amused smile. He was about to say something, but Chuuya continued to speak, “I hate you! All this time, I thought you were dead! I kept sending voicemails, but you would never answer…” 

Chuuya’s eyes were set ablaze, a fierce fury behind them. It was a beautiful sight to see his dog acting so ferocious, but he knew better than to make that comment. The redhead continued to mumble incoherent nonsense, and he eventually fell back asleep. 

Dazai looked at him unimpressed. He quickly finished off the rest of his whiskey and paid. Chuuya’s jacket was thrown on the floor, and Dazai picks it up and places it over the other boy. 

Then he leaves. He doesn’t bother bringing Chuuya home or whatever, he knows Hirotsu or Akutagawa will pick Chuuya up. 

He goes home that night and digs up his old phone. He never threw it out, there were too many things on this device. 

True to Chuuya’s word, when he checks his voicemail, there are several from Chuuya. Every single one was made on a different date, and Dazai chuckles thinking about Chuuya obsessively calling Dazai. 

He scrolls down to search for the first one, and he finds it. The same day Dazai fled the Port Mafia. He presses play. 

Chuuya’s voice blasts through the speakers of the phone. 

“Hey Shiity Dazai! You’ve probably gone and killed yourself at this point, but I don’t care!” 

There is a pause. 

“I’ve heard the news, you left the mafia because Odasaku died right? Well, I hope you find your reason… You’ve always been an annoying bastard, but the Port Mafia always wore you down. Anyways, things have been very decent on my side! No more irritating bandage idiots whining in my ear! I hope to never see you again, Dazai, wherever you are…” 

The voicemail ends. 

Dazai sits there motionlessly staring at his phone, his face void of any emotion. 

He doesn’t know how to feel about this. 

He opens another voicemail. 

“Dazai…” Chuuya’s voice is slurred. He is drunk. Most of the voicemails he’s sent to Dazai were mostly when he was intoxicated anyway. 

“I hate you Dazai. I hate how you brought me into the Port Mafia and now you’re leaving me in it… Not that I want to leave with you. If I betrayed the Port Mafia, I’d be betraying the people who I’ve swore my loyalty to… I just hate you, I don’t know how to explain it…” 

The voicemail ends. 

Dazai closes his phone and tosses it back into the back of his closet. He crawls into his futon and lays there, thinking about everything. 

***

22 

Dazai’s life isn’t so bad at the moment. He’s been working with the ADA for a while now, and he’s established a pretty good schedule, (although Kunikida would disagree.) 

He would show up to work late, dump all his paperwork onto his mentee Atsushi, solve easy cases, ask beautiful women out for a double suicide, and find new ways to commit said suicide! 

Dazai doesn’t know if he can consider himself as happy, but he’s doing okay enough. 

He even got to meet Chuuya for the first time in forever! Officially! All those times stalking him don’t count! After their time apart, Dazai has made himself more comfortable breaking into the other man’s apartment, Like last night. Chuuya never changed the lock, so it was incredibly easy to break in. The redhead had yelled at him, and kicked him into the wall. His side still hurts when feeling it. 

He groans, throwing his arms in the air, “Ugh! I just hate Chuuya so much!” 

A round of sighs are heard all over the office. He looks over to Kunikida who was pretty much about to keel over from anger. “Stop complaining about that Port Mafia executive every single damn day, Dazai!” 

He hears sounds of agreement around the room and sighs dramatically, “You guys don’t understand, he’s the worst!” 

Yosano laughs at that, and Dazai shoots her a raised eyebrow, “You say you hate him yet you talk about him every day? What kind of logic is that?” 

Ranpo chimes in, “Exactly! And it’s really all because he can’t admit the fact that he’s actually in love with Mister Fancy Hat!” 

Dazai stares at him with his jaw on the floor. He is appalled at the suggestion. The room is plunged into chaos, “I absolutely am not in love with that Slug! Urgh, out of everything you could have said…” 

Kunikida rolls his eyes, dropping another stack of paperwork at Dazai’s desk, “It’s so obvious Dazai. How about you grow some balls and just confess to the man? This daily Chuuya rant is driving everyone insane!”  

Dazai scoffs, waving his hand at Kunikida. He then turns to Atsushi who was quietly trying to finish his paperwork and calls out to him, “My rants are not annoying! Right, Atsushi-kun?” 

The white haired boy yelps, unsure of what to say. He nervously looked around the room to see disapproving stares at his way. Atsushi gulps, a wry smile on his face, “Um, maybe Kunikida-kun is right… Sometimes your rants are too much, Dazai-san…” 

Dazai gasps, putting a hand over his chest, “Betrayed by my own protege!” 

There are more rounds of chaos in the office, with Ranpo and Yosano yelling at Dazai to hurry up and confess to Chuuya, with Kunikida fuming about his schedule, with Kyouka patting Atsushi’s back for standing up to Dazai, and finally to Kenji sitting there quietly, a content smile on his face. 

The blond boy makes a sudden comment, “Mister Fancy Hat is sooo cool, Dazai-san! It wouldn’t be so bad if you dated him!” 

From afar, Dazai can hear Ranpo snickering, “Speaking of Mister Fancy Hat…” The raven haired man pointed towards the door, and there he was. 

Dazai gulped. He forgot that Chuuya was supposed to come over to the Agency to bring over paperwork. “Hey. I’m here to drop these papers?” The entire office is engulfed in silence however. Chuuya raised an eyebrow, waiting for someone to respond. 

Kunikida cleared his throat, “Oh, yes. Thank you, Chuuya-san. You are quite early, I appreciate the punctuality.” The blond man walks over to him and takes the papers from his hands. 

Chuuya nods. He was supposed to be here to discuss their next mission, but everyone was looking at him weirdly… Dazai was also uncharacteristically quiet. He turns towards where the bandaged man was sitting and crosses his arms. “What’s up with you today? You’re too quiet. Not that I’m complaining…” 

Suddenly Dazai is pulled out of his trance and he shakes his head. He gives Chuuya a wide, cheeky grin, “Aww, do you miss my voice that much, Chuuya? I’m so flattered!” 

The redhead groans, pinching the bridge of his nose, “Ugh, I shouldn’t have said anything… The peacefulness has now been ruined.” 

Everyone in the agency is still staring at him weirdly though. Chuuya can’t understand. He’s been over at the Agency a lot of times already. This should be normal by now. 

Thankfully, Kenji, who was busy munching on a small snack, speaks up, “Oh! Mister Fancy Hat! Hi!” 

Chuuya smiles at the young boy greeting him, “Hey kid. How are ya?” 

“Oh! Pretty good! Actually we were all just talking about you!” At that, Chuuya’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He even hears Dazai let out a small sigh at Kenji’s comment, as if he was disappointed in a way. 

He looks around the room once more to see eyes diverting away from him. All except Yosano and Ranpo, who were quietly laughing with each other. “You Agency freaks were talking about me?” 

Ranpo grins at him, and stands up from his seat, “Yep!” 

Before Chuuya can respond, Yosano speaks up first, “How about we all chat about it over lunch? Join us, Chuuya! Just downstairs at the cafe!” Chuuya wasn’t even able to reject the offer before the older woman’s arm was wrapped around his shoulder, hauling him out of the room. 

He can hear Kunikida yelling at them, but groans in frustration, eventually following along when everyone in the office empties out the room. 

Chuuya is so confused. 

Meanwhile Dazai was silently seething, cursing out both Ranpo and Yosano in his mind. They make it to the cafe and sit themselves in the corner booth with the largest table. Chuuya is placed in the very middle sitting right next to Dazai. 

“So? Why were you all talking about me? It better be about something good at least!” Chuuya huffs, taking off his hat and looking through the menu. It wasn’t on his agenda for the day to spend lunch with the Agency, but might as well. It’s easier to eat lunch now than eat later, anyways. 

Dazai waves his hands at him, laughing uncomfortably, “Actually no! We were all making fun of your stupid hat! Glad it’s off now!” 

Chuuya glares at him, but chooses not to answer. Instead he turns towards Ranpo and Yosano, the ones who were snickering the most out of everyone in the table. “What’s so funny?”

Yosano smirks at him, a mischievous glint in her eye, “Ah nothing! Come on, Chuuya. We want to learn more about you! You’re Dazai’s special person”

Chuuya raised an eyebrow, but sighs. “Outside of work, I really am just a normal guy. I like wine, music, dogs, fashion, and writing I guess.” 

Yosano whoops, and claps when Chuuya mentions wine, “You like wine too? We should go out for a drink one day!” She slings an arm over his shoulder and he laughs at her. 

“Suree… Is that really what all of you guys were talking about?” 

Ranpo scoffs, and points his head towards Kunikida, “Kunikida actually wants to date you!” He blurts out. 

The blond man turns a bright shade of red, and immediately begins to sputter. Dazai gave Ranpo a deathly glare, but he just continued to smile. 

“I NEVER SAID THAT!” Kunikida slammed his hands down on the table, but was immediately embarrassed when the other people inside the cafe turned towards him. Chuuya was honestly just amused at all of this. Heknows Ranpo was fucking around, but it’s funny messing with Kunikida, the guy with a stick up his ass. 

Chuuya rolled his eyes and smirked at him, “I wouldn’t blame ya. I’m pretty hot, you know? There are a lot of men and women who want me but I don’t give them a chance. You’re lucky you’re also hot.” He even winked at Kunikida, who blushed even harder at that comment. 

Nobody was paying attention to Dazai who was quietly seething at Chuuya’s words. 

First of all, why the hell is he flirting with Kunikida?!

Secondly, who are these other men and women lining up for a chance at dating Chuuya?! 

“I-I’m sorry, but I have a very specific ideal!” There was steam coming out of Kunikida’s ears, and Chuuya laughed at that. 

“Yeah? Won’t you make an exception for me, though?” Chuuya leaned over to Kunikida who was sitting across from him and put his finger against his chest. 

“Nope! Kunikida does not want to date Chuuya! Not at all! So let’s all just move on, ‘kay?” Dazai clapped his hands together and beamed. His voice sounded very forced, but he didn’t care.  

Chuuya rolled his eyes at him and sat back down. “Whatever. I don’t believe that you were talking about Kunikida’s crush on me. Seriously, spill.” 

“We were all talking about the way Dazai is infatuated with you.” Yosano told him bluntly. 

Everyone in the table gasps, and all the color from Dazai’s face washes off, as if he had been at Death’s door. Everyone was speechless, but Ranpo continued to laugh. 

Dazai wished he really was at Death’s door. Anything to escape this entire scene! He looks over his shoulder to give Yosano a scalding look, but she didn’t pay him any attention. After a few moments of awkward silence, Chuuya finally speaks, “So basically Dazai has secretly liked me this entire time?” 

Ranpo nodded at him enthusiastically, and even Kenji was throwing a thumbs up in the back, even if Kyouka was pushing his hand down to avoid getting a glare from Dazai. “Yup! He yaps about you pretty much every day.” 

Dazai bursts out laughing at Ranpo, and it catches Chuuya’s attention fast, “Ha! A-As if I could like the Hatrack! I mean, who would? You’re short, you have a bald spot, and your voice is so irritating!” 

Chuuya continues to smirk at him however, not believing the sad little story Dazai was telling. He crosses his arms, looking towards the waitress who was bringing in their food. “So basically, after all these years, you’re actually—”

He gets cut off by Yosano and Ranpo, “Indubitably in lo—” Dazai shoved tissues into their faces to prevent them from finishing their sentence. 

The mafioso snaps his fingers, as if he had just solved a math problem, “You’ve secretly always wanted to be friends with each other!” Chuuya beamed at Dazai, while the brunet’s jaw dropped to the ground. The cafe was so quiet for a few moments that you could hear a pin drop.

Yosano and Ranpo burst out laughing, while Kunikida scolds them for being loud at the table. The blond man himself looks uncomfortable at Chuuya’s statement, and even Atsushi was trying his best to ignore all the commotion going on. 

Both the doctor and detective were wheezing, slapping their hands onto the table. Under her breath, Dazai could hear Yosano whispering something to Ranpo, “There is no way that Dazai just got friendzoned!” 

Dazai turns to Chuuya, a strained smile on his face as his eyebrows furrow, “Chuuya… How the hell did you come up with that idea?” 

Chuuya scoffs, waving his hand at the bandaged man, “Pfft. I should have known! Everything is so obvious now!”

“Obvious. Are you even listening to yourself right now?!” Dazai was exasperated. He felt like he had just aged 50 years. 

The redhead drank the rest of his coffee and finished up his sandwich in 2 bites. At this point, Daazai forgot that they were even eating lunch. He was so dumbfounded by Chuuya’s little theory of him wanting to be best friends that he completely disregarded his own food. 

Chuuya stood up from the table, and slapped down a couple of paper bills. “Well I’m outta here, you losers. And you,” He points directly at Dazai, “I’ll see you later, best friend!” 

As soon as the redhead man left the cafe, there was an explosion of laughter at the table. Dazai was humiliated. 

“Oh my God! This is too funny! How oblivious can he be?!” Yosano barks out, grabbing onto Ranpo who was still silently laughing. 

Dazai sighed, putting his palms over his face, “I hate you guys so much…” 

The only other person who was showing him mercy was Atsushi, who was patting his back with a small smile. 

Dazai wants to so desperately kill himself right now. 

***

22 (again)

After eating lunch with Chuuya that day, Dazai had become the number one joke of the ADA. Every day he’d walk into the office, he’d get teased by the two devils, Yosano and Ranpo. Occasionally, even Kunikida would make a comment about Chuuya. 

It was killing him. 

There’s no other choice. Dazai wants the teasing to stop. 

He sighs, walking towards Yosano and Ranpo, who were both smirking at him with amused eyes. “What’s up, Dazai? Are you here to talk about what a great brother you are to Chuuya?” He winced at the word brother. He would never view Chuuya as a brother. 

He sighs, crossing his arms. He prepares himself for the worst for what he was about to say, “I need help uh, confessing to Chuuya. I don’t want him thinking I’m trying to be his brother!” 

Yosano squeals, pulling Dazai closer and sitting him down on the chair near them. “We’ve been waiting for you to come to us! Actually, I think the whole office needs to help out!” Yosano calls over everyone else, including Atsushi, Kyouka, Naomi, Kenji, and even Kunikida who was grumbling about being off schedule. 

Dazai doesn’t mind letting everyone know about his little crush, it’s nice to see everyone getting along. 

Kunikida sighs, shaking his head, “Fine. If we’re going to be wasting our time helping Dazai out trying to get him together with his Port Mafia friend then at least list down all the best ways he can confess…” The blond man stands to haul over the white board, and he begins writing on it. 

On the very top said, ‘ Ways to help Dazai get a boyfriend.’ Yosano added onto the bottom, ‘And get him laid.’ Which made Dazai’s ears burn red. 

“This is all so embarrassing! Can you guys finally start helping me instead of yapping?!” 

Atsushi nods, giving him a reassuring smile, “Yeah! Let’s all help Dazai-san! Um, how about you ask him out for dinner? That’s what most people do right?” He suggests, and Dazai nods at the idea, but sighs and gestures over to Kunikida to erase the idea. 

“Chuuya likes expensive dinners, and I unfortunately don’t have that kind of money! Unless I steal it from him, of course…” 

Yosano speaks up next, “How about you, I don’t know, take him out for a walk in the park?” Kunikida writes the idea down on the white board. It’s a simple idea, but Dazai’s not sure if he can handle a walk in the park with Chuuya. Just thinking about it, he knows they’ll be fighting constantly. 

Ranpo raises his hand, “Buy him snacks!” 

Naomi sighs dreamily, clapping her hands together, “Get him a shibari kit!” Kunikida chose not to write that idea down while Dazai mentally suffered through the image of Chuuya tied up. 

“Bring him to a farm!” Kenji chipped in. 

“Dog cafe?” Kyouka quietly added. Dazai hummed. It was a good idea, he knows how much Chuuya likes dogs. 

Then they turn to Kunikida, the only one who hasn’t pitched an idea. He sighs, trying to think of something he himself would do if he wanted to date someone. “Well Atsushi already mentioned my idea of taking him out for dinner… I don’t know, pick up lines?” 

Dazai snorted once Kunikida mentioned that. It’s ironic because the blond man himself is well aware of how bad his pick up lines were. They all consisted of double suicide, and if Dazai were to ever suggest that to Chuuya, the redhead will surely kick him into the wall. 

He smirked at Kunikida, tapping his finger against his chin, “What kind of pick up lines would I use, Kunikida?” 

The blond man groans, throwing his hands up into the air in frustration, “I don’t know! Compliment his appearance!” 

Ranpo nods, throwing a piece of candy into his mouth,”You have the chance to use those pick up lines today! Did ya remember? He’s coming over again to drop off even more paperwork!” 

Dazai raised an eyebrow at him, “What? Why would he need to do that? I thought Akutagawa was the one coming over…” 

The raven haired man snickers, his gaze wandering over to the president’s office, “Since I’m such a good wingman, I decided to ask the Boss to send him over more!” 

Dazai slapped a hand over his face. He doesn’t know if he should be thankful he gets to see Chuuya more, or if he should be worried. He sighs in resignation, “Okay… When is he coming over? What should I say to him?” 

Kunikida checks his watch, “He should be coming over in… Five minutes actually, wow.” 

Yosano nods, and turns towards Dazai, “You need to fix your hair! Make yourself look more handsome when he comes over! I’m sure Chuuya wants an attractive looking guy!” 

“Hey! I’m already handsome even though my hair is messy!” He pouts, but fixes his hair when Yosano says that. 

“Maybe you should pop a breath mint in?” Atsushi adds. Dazai places a hand over his chest in fake pain. 

“You think my breath stinks, Atsushi-kun?!” 

The white haired boy gave him an unimpressed look, “All you eat is canned crab!” 

Dazai rolls his eyes, but does take the breath mint from Ranpo’s desk. “Don’t say dumb shit like, ‘Oh, I tripped! Falling for you…’ I assure you he will 100% make fun of you for that…” Yosano tells him, and she has a stern look on his face. 

Dazai nods. This was all very helpful. Then suddenly, the office door swings open. Chuuya. 

Kunikida hurriedly hid the white board from the redhead’s view. Chuuya looked tired. He had dark circles underneath his eyes and once he stepped into the room he let out a small yawn. “Hey. I’m here to bring these papers… I kinda don’t like how I’m seeing you Agency folks more often…” 

Dazai strides towards Chuuya, a gleeful look on his face. Yosano gulps. She suspects something bad was going to happen. 

“I’ll take those off your hands, Chuuya.” Dazai purrs out the other man’s name, and it causes Chuuya to scowl. 

“Uhh, okay then…?” Chuuya gives him a weird stare, but dismisses it anyway. He sighs and heads for the door once more, “If that’s all you Armed Detective Agency fuckers need then I’ll be going now.” 

Before he could step out, a hand grasped at his sleeve. He turns back and sees Dazai with a fierce look in his eyes. “What?” 

Dazai lets out a deep breath, before putting his pointed finger underneath his chin and smirking at him, “Are you a gravity manipulator? Because you make my heart soar.” 

Crickets. 

There was no sound in the office. None at all. 

“...”

“What the fuck??” Chuuya gave Dazai a very scandalized  look. He was utterly disgusted, as if the very thing in front of him right now was a pile of dog shit. Dazai was starting to feel like a pile of dog shit now. 

“Y-You get it? Because you’re a gravity manipulator!” 

“...”

“...I’m just going to take my leave now. See ya.” Chuuya closes the door behind him without another word. 

Dazai stood there wordlessly, the embarrassment starting to seep in. 

“Dazai what the fuck was that…” Yosano sounded very incredulous, and her hands were covering her face. 

“Daza-san… Please never try to use pick up lines ever again…” Atsushi sounded like he was close to crying, which he probably was. 

Ranpo however was the only one laughing at Dazai’s failure. “The second hand-embarrassment is crazy. Dazai, please do better. I think Kunikida is about to pass out.” 

True to Ranpo’s words, when Dazai looks over at Kunikida, the color on his face was gone, and his glasses were crooked. 

“I’m going to leave now…” 

Dazai walked home with his head down in shame. This is like that time he told Chuuya he loved him when they were 15 and Chuuya said ew to him! 

It was just just as bad! 

Later in his dorm that evening, he was screaming into his pillow. He wants to die. Dying from embarrassment, is that a new suicide method? 

He sits up ruffling his hair. How can he properly confess to Chuuya? He’s never been good with words, and that won’t necessarily change today. 

So he does the only thing he’s good at. Dazai reaches into his cabinet and take out the small notebook that was kept inside. 

None of those methods the other agency members will work, none of them and he’s sure of it.

He flips to a blank page and starts to write. 

He pours out all his feelings, and his hand starts to cramp. 

Dazai had a lump in his throat that he couldn’t seem to swallow down. It was suffocating, the way he felt as if his body was compressed by gravity. 

How ironic. 

Once he finishes, he shakes out his hands and cracks his knuckles. He folds the piece of paper and slips it inside an envelope. He stares at the letter for a few moments. 

Should he really go and send this to Chuuya? How would he react? Would he reject him? God, Dazai doesn’t want to think about it. 

He doesn’t want to think about the way Chuuya would look. His face would be full of shock. What if this makes Chuuya hate him even more?

He sighs, slipping the letter into his coat pocket. He falls back into bed, putting his arms over his face. 

Maybe tomorrow the answer will be in front of him. 

For now, he should go to sleep. 

***

+1 

The following morning, Dazai arrived at the ADA all tired. He didn’t get any sleep the previous night from all his worries with Chuuya. He’s too much of a coward to ask him out for dinner, and whatever gift he may give Chuuya will never suffice. 

He isn’t good enough for him. 

Whatever. 

He walks into the office with a bright smile. Immediately all the Agency members start crowding him. “Damn, Dazai… You look rough, are you okay?” Yosano is the first to point it out, and even Kunikida stopped doing his work to check up on Dazai. 

It was all very sweet, but he didn’t need this right now. He waves his hands at them, and saunters over towards his desk, “Perfectly fine! Actually, please don’t remind me of yesterday!” 

They all gave him a concerned look, but didn’t press him any further. He sits at his desk staring at the large pile of paperwork Kunikida has laid out for him. He groans, turning towards the blond man, “Do I really have to do this right now?”

“Yes! Do your work!” Kunikida growls at him with a very familiar anger. 

“Atsushi-kunnnnn!” Dazai called out to his protege, and the younger man’s face pales. 

“Dazai-san, I really shouldn’t—” 

“Nope! Atsushi already has a task, and it isn’t to do your paperwork!” Kunikida moves towards the white haired boy and hands him a stack of envelopes. “Don’t worry kid, this won’t take long. The only thing you have to do is bring these letters to the post office. They’re for the police department.” 

Atsushi nods at him, and throws an apologetic look towards Dazai, who continues to pout at him. He carries the stack of envelopes with care, but notices one on the ground. He picks it up and places it on the very top. 

He’s glad Kunikida gave him this job instead of having to be stuck doing Dazai’s paperwork…

The bandaged man lets out a drawn out sigh, and he finally picks up his pen to start the paperwork. Might as well get it done. 

***

It had been a few days since Dazai tried to miserably use a pick up line on Chuuya. He is frankly traumatized from that experience and is hoping to kill himself right away! 

He’s forgotten about that incident for the most part though, busying himself with other things. 

Everything was pretty normal until Chuuya suddenly burst through the agency door with a letter in his hand. His face was set ablaze, with a certain fury in his eyes. Dazai hasn’t seen him this mad in a long time. 

This was surprising. Dazai cocked an eyebrow at him in amusement. “What brought the dog in?” 

Chuuya didn’t respond to his taunt, and instead marched right up to him, waving the letter in his face. “What the hell is this?” 

Dazai paused, his smile dropping. He took the letter into his hands and read the contents of the letter. This was when he suddenly recognized the handwriting and the paper…Before Dazai could snatch the letter, Chuuya shoved it back into his pocket. 

For a few moments he couldn’t speak, and there was sweat dripping down his forehead. “Where did you get this…?” 

Chuuya rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. Dazai was only focused on his face right now, not caring about the fact that they were in the agency. He was also ignoring the fact that the office was so quiet, that he could hear his own heart rapidly beating in his chest. “I got it in the mail today. From Dazai Osamu.” Chuuya’s voice was slightly shaking, and Dazai couldn’t tell if it was from anger or from some other kind of emotion. 

They were staring at each other, Dazai’s eyes locked onto Chuuya’s gorgeous ones. “Tell me, did you actually write this, Dazai?” 

He felt his breath hitch, unsure of how to respond. Fuck. How did Chuuya get the letter? Fuckfuckfuckkkk. 

“I didn’t write that…” Dazai said stupidly. 

Chuuya scoffed in disbelief, not believing a single word Dazai had said. “You think I’m gonna believe that shit? Be serious, Dazai.” 

No silly nicknames. This was serious. 

Dazai sighed, leaning back into his seat so he could get more space from Chuuya. “Okay fine. I did write it. Are you happy?”

Chuuya bit his lip, eyebrows creased, “...Did you mean it?” 

Dazai didn’t know what to say. He can’t think. There is a buzzing in his mind that doesn’t seem to go away. 

He’s never been confronted like this, especially not about his feelings. Dazai may be smart in during the agency cases, but when it comes to Chuuya it’s like his brain goes numb. 

Should I really tell him the truth? 

What if he hates me even more? 

I can’t lose Chuuya. 

Not him. 

So Dazai does the only other thing he’s good at and lies and pushes him away. 

Dazai laughs and throws his head back. “You think I would ever love you? I mean, I knew you were stupid, but to fall for that? No Chuuya, I don’t mean it.” 

The temperature in the room drops. Dazai felt goosebumps running down his arms. He didn’t dare look up at Chuuya’s face. 

It was silent for a few moments, and Dazai could distinctly hear  Chuuya’s heavy breathing in the background. 

“...”

“Fuck you, Dazai. Seriously. Don’t fucking call me, don’t fucking break into my apartment, and don’t ever fucking speak to me again unless its related to our jobs. I’m leaving.” 

Chuuya’s voice was so loud that it left a ringing in Dazai’s ears. 

He still didn’t bother to look up even as Chuuya walked out of the office. 

He didn’t bother to look even when tears were prickling on the sides of Chuuya’s eyes, threatening to spill out. He didn’t bother to look even when Chuuya’s voice trembled, and his lip quivered. 

Fuck. 

Fuckkkkkk. 

Dazai put his hands over his face and cradled his legs. 

He forgot he was still at the ADA, and finally looked up to see faces staring at him in pity. He didn’t say anything else when he also left the office. 

Later he finally realized how Chuuya got the letter. 

He forgot it in his pocket and it must have slipped out. 

***

Why did he say that? 

Why is he such an asshole? 

He hurt Chuuya, and now Chuuya hates him forever. 

He’s such a coward. 

Dazai spent a full week camping out in his room. The agency members checked up on him from time to time. Kunikida would come over to his dorm to force him to eat or to take a shower. It painfully reminded him of Chuuya. Yosano and Ranpo visited as well. They didn’t speak to him much, but they did keep him company. Kenji and Kyouka came over once. They brought him some cake. It was sweet of them to do so. 

Atsushi came over too. He was mostly there for the same reason Yosano and Ranpo, there to keep him company. 

Dazai hated feeling helpless. He doesn’t want to burden any more people. 

But it’s so hard. 

He wants to truly die. 

Atsushi sat down next to him today. He smiled at Dazai warmly, and Dazai tried his best to return the smile. “It’s okay to be sad, Dazai-san.” 

For the first time in days, Dazai spoke to another person. “AtsushI? Do you think Chuuya will forgive me for that?” 

Atsushi didn’t know what to say for a few moments, but he gave him a reassuring look, “I’m sure he will, Dazai-san! You have to tell him the truth though. You really hurt him, you know?” 

Dazai sighed, burying his head deeper into his blankets. “I really messed up huh? I wouldn’t even blame Chuuya if he didn’t forgive me…” 

Atsushi shaked his head, and put his hands to his hips, “Stop thinking like that! You have to try, and if he doesn’t forgive you, you have to accept that.” 

“Alright then. I'll apologize to him tomorrow.” He says. Atsushi didn’t speak again after that, and stayed right by his side. 

Eventually he left, and Dazai was all alone again. 

He’ll apologize tomorrow. 

***

Dazai finally left his dorm. The smell of fresh air hit him in the face, and it made him sigh in relief. 

He was going to apologize to Chuuya now. Before he does though, he goes to the store and buys a bottle of wine paired with a bouquet of flowers. Red camellias, Chuuya’s favorites. He even dressed himself up and made himself look fancy. 

As he was paying for the items, the cashier who was an older woman complimented him. “Oh my! You look so handsome, lad! Who’s the lucky lady?” She asks him, and Dazai smiles. 

“Thank you ma’am. These are actually for a friend. I made a mistake and I’m going to apologize.” She hands him the receipt, and Dazai takes it. 

“Well, I hope whoever your friend is, they forgive you. These flowers are beautiful. Red camellias? They symbolize love.” He smiles at her and takes the bottle of wine with the bouquet. 

“Yes… I’m not sure if they’ll accept me, but I have to at least try.” 

The older woman nods, and Dazai leaves the store. 

Now he’s on the way to Chuuya’s apartment. 

Dazai would have preferred to call Chuuya to let him know, but the redhead blocked his number. When Dazai noticed, his stomach lurched, he couldn’t believe it. Even as teenagers, Dazai and Chuuya would fight all the time, and their fights would sometimes get too serious, but the other boy never blocked him or removed his number. 

Well, he can’t blame Chuuya for blocking him. He knows he’s an asshole. 

Dazai doesn’t realize he’s finally arrived. Standing outside of Chuuya’s penthouse, his heart was frantically pounding against his chest. The grip he had on the wine bottle was so hard, that he almost felt the glass breaking underneath his hand. 

After what felt like forever, Dazai rang the doorbell. No breaking in. 

He waited a few moments before he heard the sound of footsteps approaching the door. It slowly opens and there was Chuuya. 

Standing there in all his glory was Chuuya Nakahara, the love of his life. His hair was ruffled and he was wearing a baggy shirt sliding off his shoulders and shorts that barely went past his thighs. He looked tired, his multi-colored eyes held little light. “Why the fuck are you here? Did I not tell you to never bother me again?”

I did this. 

Dazai gulps, and he holds out the wine bottle and bouquet of flowers. “I’m here to apologize. I’m sorry, Chuuya… You don’t have to forgive me, but please let me explain.” 

Chuuya scowled, giving him an irritated look. After a few agonizing moments of silence, the redhead sighed, and swung his door open. “Fine. Get in.” 

Dazai wanted to let out a sigh of content. Things were going well… So far. 

He sat himself down on the couch, and handed Chuuya the bottle of wine and bouquet of flowers. Chuuya gave him an unimpressed look, and put the items to the side. 

Damn. 

“Okay. Now explain.” Chuuya demanded. He stood over him as Dazai sat on the couch. For once, he was staring up at Chuuya. 

“Well. I’m sorry for the things I said that day. I didn’t mean a single thing. I was lying.. I didn’t know how to react, being confronted like that. I know I hurt you, but I meant everything that I wrote.” Dazai paused before staring up directly at Chuuya’s eyes. His beautiful eyes. 

Chuuya didn’t answer him for a while. Then he sighed, walking over towards the bottle of wine. He also takes out two glasses, and puts one into Dazai’s hand. 

He pours a good amount in both of their glasses and Chuuya slumps down into his couch, gulping down the wine. He turns to Dazai and finally acknowledges him. “Sorry, I’m way too sober to be having this conversation right now.” 

Dazai nods, and takes his own sip of the liquor. He never really liked wine before, but he knows Chuuya goes crazy over this stuff. “This wine ya got is actually pretty pricey. Are you sure you bought this for me?” 

“Of course I did. The flowers too.” 

“...”

“You remembered my favorite flower. Red camellias. I’m surprised you did.” 

Dazai smiles at him, and looks up at the ceiling daydreaming, “Of course I remember. I know every little detail about you, Chuuya.” 

The redhead didn’t answer him, and instead continued to sip on his wine. He throws his head back and groans, “Fuck. You’re so annoying, you know that?” 

“Yes, well aware of it, Chuuya…” 

Chuuya placed his wine glass on the small coffee table and crossed his arms, shifting closer to Dazai. “All this time? You had a crush on me for seven years and you’ve never told me about it?” 

“...” Dazai didn’t answer him, unsure of what to say. 

“Well actually I told you I loved you when we were fifteen…” 

Chuuya smacks him in the stomach, causing him to choke, “That doesn’t count! You told me that literally within one day of knowing each other! How was I supposed to know whether you were joking or not?!” 

“I’m sorry…” Dazai winced, rubbing at his stomach. 

Chuuya sighed once more and stared into Dazai’s eyes with a certain seriousness he couldn’t muster, “I still don’t believe you. Not until you say it to my face. Dazai, do you love me?” 

He moved his hand and cupped Chuuya’s cheeks. He maintained eye contact and gave him a fond smile. Only Chuuya could make him do this. “I love you.” 

“I seriously do, Chuuya. I’ll say it a hundred thousand times to convince you. I’m sorry again. I never meant what I said. I’m a liar, Chuuya. I’ve hurt you too many times. You deserve so much better, but please know that I love you, I love you so much that it pains me, because I know you would never feel the same way.” 

Chuuya glares at him. Dazai expects him to punch his face but instead he does something else. 

He leaned in and pressed his lips against his own, and God, Dazai just wanted to melt right then and there. 

He sighed into the kiss, and parted his lips. Chuuya tasted so sweet, from the wine he had earlier. 

He doesn’t want this moment to ever end. 

Except it does, and they part, panting. Chuuya continued to glare at him. “I’ve loved you all this time too, Dazai! I just couldn't ever say it. You always gave me mixed signals, you always pushed me away, how was I supposed to know? Ah, I’m sorry too though for charging at you at the ADA… I must’ve embarrassed you in front of all your coworkers huh?” 

Dazai moved his hands down at Chuuya’s waist, and he left it there. “It’s okay, Chuuya. I’m so sorry… I promise that I won’t ever dismiss you again. Chuuya, I want to be your boyfriend, if you’ll still have me…” 

The redhead smirked, and dove deeper into Dazai’s lips. 

“Fuck you. Of course you can be my boyfriend. Just don’t expect me to treat you differently, you’re still the same annoying bastard that I unfortunately fell in love with.”

Dazai laughed, and stared lovingly into Chuuya’s eyes, “Of course I wouldn’t have it any other way, Chuuya.” 

“I love you.” 

***

Dazai’s letter

Hi Chuuya!

Bet you’d never expect me to write something like this huh? I’m just here to express all my feelings or whatever. I’m not good at speaking, especially not about my emotions!

But I’ll gladly do it for you, because I love you so much. 

I’ve loved you ever since we first locked eyes, oh your beautiful eyes, I will never get over them. You are so unique in every possible way, the way you dress, the way you express yourself, everything. 

From your freckles, to your hands, waist, everything. I can never get enough.

You are the most beautiful person ever, Chuuya, I’m afraid it would take me 80 years to finish all the things I find beautiful about you. 

I’m sorry that I’ve pushed you away all these years, but you must understand. 

I am a horrible person. You don’t deserve to be stuck with someone like me. 

You deserve to date a nice man, get married, buy a house in the countryside, and have that small little family you’ve always wanted. 

Not with me though. I will only disappoint you. 

You are my reason for living, Chuuya, did you know that? It’s a silly wish, but someday I wish I’d be the one to take your hand in marriage even if Ane-san or Verlaine disapprove. That I’d be the one you’ll be spending your retirement with, until the very day we die. 

I know it sounds sappy, but deep down, that’s what I really want. 

I’m not sure if I’ll ever give this letter to you, but please know one thing. 

Under the white light, 

Under the yellow moon, 

Listen to my scream. 

I will always love you, Chuuya.