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“Is Tommy coming over for movie night this week?” Christopher asks, looking up at Buck for a response.
Eddie stiffens in his seat, hoping that Tommy sure as hell will in fact not be joining them for movie night ever again actually. He’s really happy for Buck, he is, but he kind of hates seeing Buck and Tommy together.
He’s half-convinced he’s homophobic at this point, because every time he sees Buck touch Tommy, he’s about one thread of self-restraint away from physically yanking Buck’s hands off of the other man and—
Well, he’s never really gotten past that part of the plan, so he’s not sure exactly what he wants to happen. But he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want Buck’s hands on Tommy.
He can’t exactly say anything to Buck, because what kind of friend would he be if he admits he can’t stand his best friend’s boyfriend. Especially since he can’t remember ever having had this kind of reaction when it came to any of Buck’s previous girlfriends.
So it comes as a relief when Buck responds to Christopher’s question the way he does.
“Tommy broke up with me actually,” Buck says, not sounding all that upset about his relationship ending. “So he probably won’t be joining us for any more movie nights, bud.”
And that confuses Eddie, because last he’s heard or seen, Buck and Tommy seemed happy as can be. Just overwhelmingly, in your face, perfectly happy to be together all up in everyone’s faces.
Did he mention it's been really in his face?
Because it has been.
And Eddie frowns, because he knows his thoughts are probably overkill, but that’s just how Buck and Tommy came across, okay?
It got a bit worse, sure, after Marisol broke up with him for being too obsessed with his best friend’s relationship—something he made sure to carefully not mention to Buck when he had asked.
But maybe things can go back to normal now?
Buck will be around for movie nights. Christopher will love having Buck around and all to himself again, that’s for sure.
Which means he’s also going to be able to hang out with Buck and Tommy again separately without them spending time together without him. And that’s a good feeling right there, knowing he won’t have to see them all coupled up anymore and that he won’t have to share.
Except.
Wait a minute.
There’s something about this that all seems a little too familiar.
Almost like he’s heard something like this before.
And that’s when it hits him.
Isn’t this how Buck said he felt right before he realised he was into men?
Is he… also into men?
Eddie can vaguely hear Buck and Christopher talking amongst themselves over Christopher’s latest school project, and he’d love to be paying more attention but he’s kind of experiencing a crisis right now.
Because what the hell is he supposed to do with the fact that he’s into men?
*
Eddie’s never had much success dating women, that’s for sure.
His relationship with Shannon had consisted of a shotgun wedding after she got pregnant with Christopher, followed by many an attempt to live the picture perfect life he’d always been told to strive for.
Then she’d died, and he’d tried to move on, but the thought of marrying Ana had reduced him to panic attacks and he could barely get it up for Marisol.
Hell, if he lets himself think about it, he's never actually enjoyed sex all that much with any of his ex-girlfriends or his wife.
Certainly a confronting thought to be having at a little past three in the morning on hour twenty-one of a twenty-four hour shift.
Which leaves him with the obvious conclusion, that if he’s not homophobic, and he’s not all that into women, then that must mean—
“Shit,” Eddie sighs, staring up at the bottom of the bunk above him. “I’m so gay.”
He forgets for a moment that he’s not alone in the room.
“What…” Hen sits up from where she was dozing in the bunk opposite, rubbing at her still half-asleep eyes. “Did you just—”
“I’m gay,” Eddie says again, a little more confidently this time, absolutely no idea why he’s word-vomiting all over Hen in the middle of the night, but unable to stop himself. “I was a little worried I was homophobic at first, but I’m pretty sure I’m actually just gay.”
“Eddie.” Hen shifts so that she’s sitting on the edge of her bunk. “That’s a lot to unpack, I’m not gonna lie.”
“Yeah, it’s been really confusing,” he admits, turning his head to the side so he can see Hen a little clearer.
Hen stares at him.
“Do you think I should call Tommy?” Eddie distractedly asks, not sure if Hen’s the right person to be asking for advice, but who else is he going to ask? Buck? Buck only realised he was into guys a few months ago, he can’t really put this crisis on Buck and expect him to deal with it. “To talk to him about it?”
“Tommy?” Hen asks, confusion lacing her tone. “Not Buck?”
“No, Tommy,” Eddie insists. “I can’t put this on Buck, that’s not fair. Tommy has more experience, I mean, he helped Buck so maybe he can help me?”
Hen looks at him incredulously, and then she looks like she’s about to say something, but the alarm goes off before she has a chance to say whatever she’s thinking.
Eddie sighs.
Looks like he’s on his own.
It can’t hurt to talk to Tommy, though, right?
*
With Christopher at a friend’s place for a sleepover and the house all to himself—and after checking with an amused Buck that it would be okay, of course—he invites Tommy around for a movie and a few beers.
He really thinks it’s all going to go well.
He genuinely really does.
And it does, at first.
The movie is fine.
The beers are fine.
He’s working himself up to asking Tommy how to tell if you’re gay.
Everything is fine.
The moment where he loses all sense and kisses Tommy?
For all of two seconds where they’re both a little surprised at his actions it’s fine, sure. But then maybe not so much.
“Eddie, wait,” Tommy says, pushing Eddie back gently with one hand on his chest. “Look… you’re a great guy, you and Buck are both great guys—”
“What—”
“Really great guys,” Tommy interrupts before Eddie can say anything else. “There’s just no chance in hell I’m doing this again.”
“What?” Eddie frowns. “Doing what again?”
“You need to call Buck,” Tommy says with a grimace. “As soon as I leave. Seriously, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, do not attempt to date anybody else. I know you’re really confused right now, but just call Buck. Okay?”
“I don’t understand, I—”
“I know you don’t,” Tommy says, the look on his face screaming he knows something Eddie doesn’t, and that bothers Eddie a lot. “Because if you did, and if the two of you shared more than a single brain cell when it came to your feelings, I think it would have saved you both a lot of wasted time.”
“You think I don’t understand my feelings?”
Eddie definitely feels like he’s missing something.
And he’s about ninety-nine percent sure the thing he’s missing is something really obvious based on the look on Tommy’s face, but all he’s got is white noise in his head.
“Eddie,” Tommy says, and waits for Eddie to make eye contact again. “I’m gonna try and do everyone a favour here, because clearly Buck didn’t listen to a word I said when we broke up. Are you listening?”
“Yeah, I’m listening,” he says, wondering what Tommy said to Buck as he waits for Tommy to get on with it.
“You’re kissing the wrong person.”
And that’s just.
That’s—
Huh.
Well it doesn’t not make sense.
But it also doesn’t really make sense at all?
“What does that even mean?” he asks, his head tilting in a daze as he reaches blindly for his beer.
“Just think about it, Eddie, I’m sure you’ll get there,” Tommy says, standing up and brushing his pants lightly. “But while you do that, I’m gonna go.” Eddie makes no move to stop Tommy as he collects his jacket and makes his way over to the front door. The door clicks open and Tommy pauses, turning around to point a finger at Eddie and reiterate, “Call Buck.”
“Yeah, okay,” Eddie calls back, taking another small sip of his beer. “I’ll get right on that.”
*
He does not in fact plan to get right on that.
But unfortunately for Eddie, in this case, the universe doesn’t get the memo.
Not five minutes later, the front door opens again and Eddie just about has a heart attack. He was supposed to be alone tonight, but instead Buck’s walking inside with Christopher trailing behind him.
Eddie raises an eyebrow in their direction in a silent question.
“Chris?” Buck prompts.
Christopher rolls his eyes. “I wanted to come home.”
“Okay.” That’s fine. Christopher knows he can always come home if he ends up not wanting to stay at his friends’ places. But Eddie checks his phone and he doesn’t see any missed calls. “You didn’t call me?”
“I called Buck,” Christopher says, pointing out the obvious. “I didn’t think it made a difference which one of you came to get me.”
And in hindsight, yeah, it’s kind of obvious that Christopher called Buck given Buck is here right now bringing him home.
What makes Eddie freeze is the fact that Christopher doesn’t seem to see any difference between calling him or calling Buck when he needs to be picked up in the late evening. This isn’t even the first time something like this has happened. Because of course Buck is going to come running when Christopher calls. For some reason, it’s just not something Eddie’s ever thought too hard about before tonight.
“I’m going to bed,” Christopher says when the silence seems to drag on a little long for his liking. Christopher makes his way down the hallway as he calls out to Buck, “Will you stay and make breakfast in the morning, Buck?”
If Eddie didn’t know better, he’d almost swear Christopher planned this entire series of events just to get Buck to stay over tonight and—and what? Make breakfast? Ruin Eddie’s plans that Christopher had no idea about?
“Sure thing,” Buck calls out after Christopher. “As long as it’s okay with your Dad?”
Buck turns towards him then, and Eddie startles, earning himself an odd look from Buck. What he wouldn’t give to sink into the ground right about now.
“That’s—” he clears his throat. “That’s fine. Of course it's fine.”
And it is.
It’s fine.
Totally fine.
Until he realises that means Buck is going to be here tonight. Tonight, after Tommy just left him with cryptic instructions to call Buck because he’s kissing the wrong person? Kind of rude of Tommy to not do him the courtesy of explaining himself a little clearer, but it is what it is. Maybe he can—
“So,” Buck says, interrupting Eddie’s thoughts as he takes a seat on the couch next to him. “How was your night?”
How was his night?
That’s the question, isn’t it?
“I think I kissed Tommy?” Eddie accidentally blurts out, staring at the wall because he’s really not sure if he can actually face Buck right now. He’s also not sure why he thought that would be the best conversation starter, but it’s too late now.
“You…” Buck sounds a little weird and choked, but as much as Eddie’s dying to look at him, he’s not sure he can face Buck right now. “You don’t sound too sure about that.”
That would be because he’s not.
Does it count as a kiss if it lasts all of two seconds before the other person immediately tells you to wait and then proceeds to upturn your entire world view?
Technically, probably.
“I—” Eddie risks a glance at Buck, immediately whipping his head forward again when he sees Buck watching him. “I definitely kissed Tommy. That happened.”
“Okay…” Buck sounds confused, something Eddie can definitely relate to right now. “Why did you—”
“I think I’m gay,” Eddie admits, cutting Buck off mid-sentence before snapping his mouth shut again. He sighs as the evening hits him all over again. “It’s been a really confusing night. Really confusing couple of days, to be honest.”
“Yeah,” Buck says, huffing out a laugh. “I’ve uh, been there.”
“You—” Eddie clears his throat, a snort accidentally escaping. “Yeah, you uh, quite literally have been there, haven’t you? The confusion and the kissing Tommy.”
“Mhmm.” Buck doesn’t sound mad, and Eddie chances another look. This time, when he sees Buck still watching him curiously, he doesn’t look away immediately. “You look…”
“I look...?” Eddie can guess how he looks actually, and he’s sure Buck is about to be a lot kinder about it than he would be.
“Are you okay?” Buck asks instead of answering the question directly, shifting so he’s turned a little more towards Eddie. And Eddie’s brain goes completely blank at the solid press of Buck’s thigh up against his own as Buck settles again. “You seem—”
“He said he couldn’t do this again?” Eddie says, and he’s not sure why it sounds like a question. “Do you know what he meant by that?”
“Tommy?” Buck asks, sounding pretty confused himself now. “Couldn’t do what? What—”
Eddie doesn’t really hear any of Buck’s words past that point, too easily lost in his thoughts again.
Buck shuffles so his arm is resting along the back of the couch, and Eddie’s hyper aware that if Buck were to let his arm drop just an inch more it would be resting along the top of his shoulders, maybe even settling along the back of his neck and—
He knows Buck’s talking.
He does.
But he’s really not hearing the words themselves right now.
It’s pretty clear how obvious he’s been when Buck raises an eyebrow with an amused look on his face.
“Sorry, I, uh—” Eddie’s brow furrows. “I missed that.”
“Yeah,” Buck laughs, a small smile taking over his face. “Yeah, I got that. It’s okay. I was just—I just wanted to say I’m here. I know I’m new to all of this still, sort of, but if you need to, uh, talk? Or if you, uh—”
Sure.
Talking to Buck.
That sounds easy enough.
“It’s just, Tommy said something else a little weird and—”
“What else did Tommy say to you?” Buck interrupts, straightening up on the couch, suddenly seeming a little disconcerted.
And that’s a weird reaction, right?
But Eddie doesn’t let himself think about it too much, focussing instead on getting the words out before he loses his momentum.
“He told me I’m a great guy—”
“You are—” Buck attempts to interject, but Eddie steamrolls right over him.
“But that I was kissing the wrong person?” Eddie’s brow furrows as he seems to process his own words, and he finally makes eye-contact with Buck. Eddie’s eyes widen slightly as something seems to start connecting finally. “He told me to call you.”
Buck’s still confused.
“He told me I was kissing the wrong person, and then he told me to call you right before he left.” Eddie knows he’s rambling and repeating himself, but he can’t seem to make himself stop. “But then you were already here, so I didn’t really get a chance to call or a chance to—”
“You didn’t get a chance to think about what he said,” Buck interrupts, nodding to himself.
“I didn’t get a chance to think about it,” Eddie confirms, laying back on the couch and closing his eyes.
Wrong person.
Call Buck.
Wrong person.
Call Buck.
Tommy’s the wrong person?
Call Buck, because…
“Am I in love with you?” Eddie asks, and that’s really not what he meant to say. But fuck it, it’s out there now, and he is actually curious if he’s the only one who’s late to his big, gay, in-love-with-my-best-friend party. “I would’ve thought I’d have noticed before now if I was in love with you, but maybe not. I mean, I’ve never let myself think about you like that before. We’ve been best friends for years, we spend almost all our free time together, you’re basically Christopher’s second parent. Would it really be all that crazy?”
Surely he’d have noticed before now if he was in love with Buck, though, right?
He doesn’t open his eyes—convinced that if he can’t see Buck, maybe he won’t have to confront whatever this is straight away—but he can feel the weight of Buck’s gaze on him anyway.
“I can’t tell you what you feel.” Buck sounds hesitant and maybe a little hopeful, and also not entirely wrong.
Of course Buck can’t tell him how he feels.
That makes sense.
“Can you—” Eddie cuts himself off, wondering if he’s really brave enough to ask the question he’s desperate to know the answer to. But the words come out before he can stop them anyway, “Can you tell me how you feel?”
He hears Buck inhale sharply, feels the way Buck tenses briefly for just a second before he relaxes again.
Eddie dares to open his eyes, forcing himself to look at Buck as he waits for Buck to answer his question.
“I could do that,” Buck eventually says, slowly and cautiously—almost hesitant. “Are you sure you’re ready for that? Because you’ve had a big night by the sound of things?”
And that’s the thing.
Is Eddie sure?
Is Eddie ready to hear Buck say he’s in love with him?
You don’t ask someone if they’re ready to hear something if it’s going to be the opposite of what they’re expecting, right?
But what if Buck’s asking him if he’s sure because Buck’s going to say he doesn’t have feelings for him.
And wouldn’t that just be devastating?
Because the thought of Buck saying he doesn’t have feelings for him has Eddie’s heart clenching in his chest. He feels sick to his stomach and—
He’s in love with Buck.
It really is that simple.
It’s also absolutely terrifying.
Eddie jumps to his feet, having no idea what his plan is beyond putting just a little bit of space between himself and Buck so he can think.
“Eddie, what are you—”
“I don’t—” Eddie cuts himself off, looking down at Buck longingly. “If you tell me, am I going to like what I hear?”
Buck stands then too, taking a step towards Eddie so that they’re only about a foot apart. He smiles hesitantly, and Eddie isn’t entirely sure he’s still breathing anymore.
“That’s another question I can’t answer,” Buck says softly into the quiet space between them. “I hope you will. I haven’t really let myself hope before tonight. But the more we talk, the more I’m starting to think telling you is worth the risk.”
Buck loves him.
Eddie’s so sure of it—he almost doesn’t even need Buck to say it—he can see it as clear as day written all over Buck’s face even without the words being spoken out loud.
And he wants Buck to be in love with him, he knows that much.
And it would be so nice to hear Buck say he loves him.
Eddie’s not sure how it happens, but he finds himself stepping forwards, his hand sliding around the back of Buck’s neck and pulling him into a rather sudden kiss.
When Buck doesn’t react immediately, Eddie panics. He backtracks as fast as he can both verbally and physically, attempting to put some distance between himself and Buck as he starts rambling, “Shit, sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson after the first time it went wrong for me tonight. Of course you don’t—”
Buck doesn’t let Eddie get far, pulling him back in and kissing him soundly before Eddie manages to put more than a few inches between them. Eddie can’t hold back a sound of surprise before he melts right into Buck and—
Oh.
It’s rather telling isn’t it?
The way he sinks so easily into Buck’s arms.
The way everything seems to finally make sense.
The way it feels like coming home.
Eddie reaches for Buck, his hands hovering in the air before landing on Buck’s biceps. And whether that was the first body part within reach or a subconscious decision because he’s always found himself staring at Buck’s arms, he’ll never be too sure. But it doesn’t matter either way.
Because all Eddie can think about is how he can’t believe he didn’t figure it out sooner.
He’s in love with Buck, there’s no question about it.
He’s so completely and utterly in love with Buck.
Eddie reaches up, fisting a hand in Buck’s hair and revelling in the moan that Buck lets out against his mouth. Desire travels through his body as Buck pulls him in even closer so that there’s not an inch left between them.
He feels almost dizzy, the feeling of having Buck surrounding him almost too much and yet not enough at the same time. He steps backwards, tugging Buck along with him until he feels the wall at his back—solid, sturdy, just like Buck—and he encourages Buck to press him up against it.
There’s a thump as Buck’s hand hits the wall, and Eddie feels weak in the knees, his entire body pinned as Buck starts to trail kisses down his neck and it’s so much, it’s all so much. When Eddie moans just a little too loudly, Buck quickly presses a bruising kiss to the side of his neck and returns to his mouth for another searing kiss, completely overwhelming and so, so right that Eddie feels like he’s falling, descending into complete and utter bliss.
No one’s ever kissed him this way in his entire life.
But then the sound of Christopher’s bedroom door creaking open has Buck tearing himself away and throwing himself down onto the couch in an instant while Eddie leans frozen up against the wall, the whiplash throwing him off quite a bit.
Eddie manages to peek around the corner and through the dining room—he’s the definition of whatever the complete opposite of subtle is—watching as Christopher makes his way across the hallway and into the kitchen to grab a glass of water.
They stay silent, waiting patiently for Christopher to head back to bed, crossing their fingers he won’t go looking for either of them. Eddie’s pretty sure their haphazard appearances and flushed faces will give them away in an instant if his son gets even a single look at them.
While he waits for Christopher to finish his drink, he stares at Buck. He takes in his heaving chest and the strategically placed cushion in his lap, and Eddie wants more than he’s ever wanted any man or woman in his whole existence.
It’s a lot.
It’s really a lot.
When he hears Christopher’s door closing he blinks while Buck takes the opportunity to clear his throat and speak, “Well, that was—”
“I’m in love with you,” Eddie interrupts, incapable of holding it in a moment longer now that he’s had his life-changing realisation. “I’m so completely in love with you.”
Eddie can’t take his eyes off of Buck as his face lights up, a grin taking over his own face in response. He’s pretty sure they both look like absolute lovesick fools.
“I love you, too,” Buck says, standing up and making his way back over to Eddie. “In case it wasn’t obvious after that.”
Eddie feels himself blushing, thankful for the low lighting in the hopes that it might hide his embarrassment.
“I didn’t mean to jump you, I—”
“Did it sound like I was complaining?” Buck asks, reaching out to take Eddie’s hands in his own. “Because I really wasn’t.”
“Still,” Eddie protests weakly. “I probably should have made sure you were okay with me kissing you before throwing myself at you like that.”
“You have my permission to throw yourself at me as much as you like, as often as you like,” Buck says, leaning in for a quick kiss before pressing their foreheads together.
Eddie almost chases after him for another kiss before catching himself, his cheeks heating up again when Buck’s smile widens as he obviously catches the movement.
He feels like a boy with a crush for the first time in his life, but it’s also so much more. It’s love in its simplest form weaving itself around them and changing their relationship for good. He kind of loves it.
Eddie leans up a little and kisses Buck once, twice, three times before he pulls back and smiles.
“Hey,” Eddie says, smiling nervously.
“Hey,” Buck responds, smiling right back at him.
“Come to bed with me?” Eddie asks, voice barely above a whisper. “I know this probably sounds kind of lame, but I just realised it’d be really nice to wake up in your arms.”
Buck kisses him again, and Eddie’s already sure he’s never going to get tired of the feeling.
“I guess I must be really lame,” Buck says as he pulls back and starts leading Eddie down the hallway towards his own bedroom. “Because that sounds perfect to me.”