Chapter Text
Eddie has been dreaming a lot about Shannon lately. He couldn’t pinpoint when it started, but it was around the time when Buck came out to him at his loft. Gradually, the dreams became more vivid and frequent after Maddie and Chimney’s wedding at the hospital, and after seeing Buck’s smile happily with Tommy by his side. Initially, as a medical professional, he attributed it to stress. Yet, besides ending things with Marisol, his personal life had been uneventful compared to what Buck and Chim had gone through. Strangely, he hadn’t dreamt about Shannon before—not when he was deployed overseas, not when Shannon left, not even when she died. Sometimes, he believed he might be somewhat heartless for not thinking about the women he used to love. That’s why the recent dream sequences caught his attention. The dreams were mixes of good and bad memories: memories with Shannon, falling in love, seeing the photo of Chris in her arms for the first time, the wedding, the vows, the fights, the reunion, and eventually her death.
For Eddie, seeing Shannon in his dreams again didn’t bother him. Regardless of their marital issues, she would always have a place in his heart. That’s why a part of him wanted a second chance with her, for Chris but also for himself before he inevitably lost that chance forever on that fateful day. He often wondered if he had put more effort into fixing their relationship, Shannon might still be alive, and Chris would have a full and happy home. In the end, he gave up trying to figure things out because he was never good at facing his feelings. He concluded that he probably just felt a bit angsty after seeing his close friends finding love and happiness. He was happy for them, but at the same time, also a bit envious. He longed for the feeling of loving someone and being loved, something he hadn’t felt since his high school years and early marriage with Shannon. He remembered feeling a pang in his heart when he saw Buck and Tommy hug in front of him at the bachelor’s party. Watching Buck melt into the other man’s arms with the brightest smile made him yearn for that feeling himself. Eddie firmly believed that it was a privilege to be loved by Evan Buckley, and sometimes, he was convinced that no one was ever good enough to deserve that love. He laughed bitterly, realizing that after multiple failed relationships, he might start believing that Shannon was the one and only one for him, and he lost her. He recalled them calling each other soulmates when they were seventeen. It was such a childish notion that Eddie would laugh at now that he was more mature. But right now, he wasn’t so sure, especially with all these dreams about his dead wife. On the contrary, why didn’t they stay happy ever after if they were meant to be? These complicated thoughts gave Eddie's headache.
Eddie tried to shake off the dreams, but they persisted. They began affecting his work performance, with his teammates noticing his absence. Eddie hated worrying them, especially Buck. Buck looked at him with concern, becoming more clingy than usual, not letting Eddie out of his sight for long, and constantly asking if he was okay. But even he didn’t have a clear answer.
Normally, Eddie wouldn’t mind being hip-to-hip with Buck all the time. Despite preferring his personal space with his teammates, he found himself strangely at ease with Buck’s presence—shoulders and knees bumping into each other, Buck resting his head on Eddie's shoulder when tired, or kicking their feet under the dining table while the whole team ate. They had been touchy with each other for years, so Eddie hardly noticed. However, something shifted after Buck came out as bi. Since then, he became more aware whenever their skin touched, and Eddie found himself becoming jumpy. He was sure it had nothing to do with Buck’s sexuality, as he was around queer people like Hen, Karen, and others in the firehouse, and had never had any issues. Yet, he had no idea why. He had promised Buck that nothing would change between them, and he intended to keep that promise.
As much as he hated it, Eddie thought he needed to take a break. Learning from his previous breakdown, he knew he couldn’t keep everything bottled up until it exploded.
When he requested his overdue two-week vacation to return to Texas with Chris, Bobby simply gave him an understanding look and approved it without further questions. On the other hand, Buck was extremely concerned when he heard the news. He looked like a kicked puppy about to be abandoned by his owner, which hurt Eddie's heart. He reassured him that he was just visiting his parents and Chris missed them as well, though it was a weak excuse. Based on Buck’s expression, he was not fully convinced, but he let it go in the end. Eddie hated triggering Buck’s abandonment issues. However, Buck had Tommy now, which made him feel better, though Eddie couldn’t shake off another feeling he couldn’t quite place.
Eddie had no idea why he wanted to return to Texas, his hometown, of his own will. Even his parents were a bit surprised when Eddie told them.
Eddie got Chris and himself settled in a vacant house owned by one of his relatives. Sometimes, he and Chris wandered around the town to relax, and other times, he brought Chris to his parents’ home to visit them. Of course, they were overjoyed, and when he suggested Chris stay with them for a couple of hours a day, Chris simply nodded and told Eddie not to worry.
Eddie didn’t exactly know what he was supposed to do when he came back home. Buck once enthusiastically told him that a person’s dreams may indicate where they need to go to find answers. Eddie didn’t believe in superstition, but he didn’t mind listening to whatever Buck was yapping about either. But that was all he could think of at the moment.
For days, he wandered around town, visiting places that had appeared in his recent dreams.
Eddie went to the basketball court at his high school. It was a bit more rundown and smaller than he remembered, but otherwise, mostly the same as it was fifteen years ago.
At 17, he met Shannon for the first time at the basketball court. Just as their eyes met, there was an instant connection. Eddie could feel her tracking him with her piercing brown eyes. Like in a romance novel, Eddie made a perfect hook shot, and Shannon cheered for him.
They didn’t date at first. Instead, they became good friends and spent time hanging out and doing whatever they wanted. Eddie learned that Shannon came from a Catholic family like himself, except she was a rebel. She often talked about going to LA after high school to pursue her big dream. Eddie was amazed by her since most girls around him talked about marrying good men and having families. Eddie would love to follow her wherever she dreamed of going. She taught him how to break out of the mold his father forced him into. They got into trouble together, ditching Sunday church to swim in the lake, smoking behind the school, and getting piercings together. Eddie got into confrontations with his father more often, but he felt freer.
At 18, Eddie asked Shannon to be his girlfriend after his buddies told him they would be a great couple. Shannon looked into his eyes for a few seconds before eventually nodding and agreeing. Now when Eddie thought of that moment, he didn’t exactly know what made him pursue a romantic relationship with her since he was completely content with being her best friend. Eddie was fine with the change as he was like Shannon anyway, and it was a natural progression for their friendship to become romantic. Plus, it was not proper to be so intimate with a girl without giving her a title, as his father told him.
He took a walk around the lake, one of his favorite hangout places with Shannon. They had their first kiss on the side of the lake underneath the oak tree. Shannon was the one who made the first move, just like she used to do. Eddie had heard his guy friends talk about their first kisses, describing sparks, fireworks, and heat in their stomachs. However, to Eddie’s disappointment, he didn’t experience any of that. When he felt Shannon’s soft lips on his and could smell her flowery perfume, it was calm, but Eddie was happy anyway. When they parted, they giggled.
Eddie went back to his childhood room, which his parents hadn’t changed much since he left. He looked at all the sports trophies he won and the posters he had put on the wall, then sat on the bed that creaked under his weight.
At 19, they made love for the first time on that bed. It was a bit awkward, as most first times are, but they made it work. At the end, they lay side by side on the bed with only a blanket covering them and looked at each other. They giggled.
Not long after that, Shannon became pregnant. She was crying when she broke the news to Eddie, and he had never seen her so devastated. She told him she wanted to get an abortion, which went against both their parents’ religious beliefs. Eddie would like to believe it was his father and Catholic guilt that made him want to keep the baby but to be honest with himself, he wanted the family himself. Eventually, he convinced Shannon to keep the baby.
Finally, Eddie arrived at St. Christopher church.
At 20, he and Shannon got married at the church. It was a small and simple wedding because neither of them felt up to planning it. On their wedding day, Shannon was beautiful in her white dress, even though her belly showed a little. On that day, he gazed at Shannon and their unborn baby and made vows to both of them.
“For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death.”
Eddie thought he was strong enough to love, provide, and support the family that had arrived too soon. Turns out, he wasn’t. He tried and failed to find a job that could feed their family of three. Shannon changed as well. Due to the pregnancy, she became angrier and more depressed. Sometimes, Eddie didn’t recognize her during their shouting matches. In fact, Eddie didn’t recognize the man he had become either. He was supposed to be happy, building the family he always wanted with the woman he loved, the woman who made him feel happy and free. Yet, he felt like he was back in a cage, and he didn’t understand why. So when he happened to see recruitment ads for the Army, he went with it, thinking it was a logical way to earn money for his family. But in the end, he was just trying to escape.
The rest was history.
Back in the present, Eddie stepped into the empty church and sat on one of the benches. He wasn’t sure why he felt a sense of peacefulness. He had considered himself non-Catholic a long time ago, which was why he had never sought refuge from God. He thought of Buck’s sea monkey comment about his Catholic guilt. As ridiculous as it sounded, it made him cackle at his depressing moment. Leave it to Buck to make him feel better, and it worked like magic every time.
Eddie stared at the center stage of the church where he and Shannon used to stood. He closed his eyes, wondering what would be different if he had made a different choice.