Work Text:
"what the fuck am I even doing?" he muttered to himself
he's supposed to be doing some dumbass math work but A. he can't do math in any kind of way (yay) and B. he's a lazy piece of shit that can't do any kind of paperwork
at all
of any kind
cause why would he? none of this matters, even though he wants to, he wants to do every single bit of work the teachers give him he just
cant
not that he won't cause he would if his brain, body and mind would let him
he cant
He talked to Sero about it during lunch. "You're probably burnt out, man, he said while slurping up some sort of noodles. Hitoshi didn't care enough to give a shit. "From what? Sitting around being lazy and a waste of time and paper? Yeah, some real draining work right there, Sero," he huffed out, and Sero rolled his eyes. "You're drowning again, man," he said with a sad tone of voice, and suddenly Hitoshi regretted sitting down with the emo version of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. He'd usually sit with his best friend (secretly boyfriend), Denki, but he was sick and was peacefully rotting in his bed with all the stuffed animals he could ask for. "Fuck off, I'm not 'drowning.' I'm just not coddling myself," Hitoshi lifted his head off the table. 'I'm so over this,' he sighed. "Like I want to work. I want to work just as hard as everybody else. I wanted this, and I have it. I just can't- I can't bring myself to-" Sero put a hand on Hitoshi's shoulder. "Shut the fuck up and eat. You're gonna work yourself up and have a panic attack, and then I'm gonna make fun of you for being a total dweeb." hitoshi rolled his eyes and laid his head on his crossed arms on the table "Whatever, I'm not hungry"
he's sitting back in math right now, (damn block schedule) he's staring at his math work and it's just not-....mathing??? he doesn't know how to do the math, and the numbers get jumbled and nothing makes sense and it's dumb and stupid and, who the fuck puts letters in math?! he's tapping his leg like a maniac fumbling his pencil through his fingers and running his other hand through the unruly lilac rats nest that he calls 'hair'
The noise in the room is almost unbearable. The hubbub of people talking is assaulting Hitoshi's ears, and he can barely hear himself think. The constant tap-tap-tap of pencils scratching against paper is like tiny needles piercing his brain. He can feel the vibrations of someone's leg bouncing up and down, a constant reminder of the cramped space they're all occupying. The harsh, bright lights overhead feel like they're burning into his retinas, making it difficult for him to focus on anything else. And for the fucking love of god did someone just pray some perfume? a sickly sweet aroma mingling with something musky and overpowering. "fucking nasty" he whispered under his breath
Hitoshi can feel the dizziness creeping in, and he knew he needs to get out of there before he loses the lunch he hardly ate.
he shoots up and that gets Aizawa's attention along with the rest of the classroom room "Hitoshi are you-"
"Can I go to the bathroom?" he says way too fast (and honestly a little too Loud) for anyone to understand
But Aizawa isn't anyone, he's Aizawa and thus he is all-knowing, as every dad that ever did dad, ever claim
Aizawa nods and watches his son practically run out of the classroom
Hitoshi speed walked (more like ran) down the hall to the bathroom
when he got there, he locked himself in the big stall and put his hands on the wall and tried to get ahold of his breathing but it was hard cause it was bright in here too! And someones blow drying their dumb fucking hands and the toilet flushed and who the fuck holds a conversation in the damn boy's bathroom and is so Loud about it?! "god damn it" he whisper yelled to himself as he sank to the floor, he put his hands on his head, which was nasty cus his hands were on the walls just then and brought his knees to his chest and tucked his knees into his chest and rocked himself
'your being a freak right now' he tried to ignore it
'Who does this??? how can you not handle a bit of stimulation, how are you going to be a hero?' his thoughts wouldn't leave him alone to make matters worse he can feel his teeth, his bones his skin and his clothes are too tight and everything is wrong, he's pulling at his hair, the knots hurt but he can't get a grasp on anything else, everything is too much
he was just supposed to do some math work then go to English then go home
but he cant do one simple thing
he just cant be fucking normal
he cant get his fucking shit together and he's gonna get kicked out of the hero course and Aizawa won't want him in his house anymore
'You useless to me if you can't work' Aizawa's voice rings in the back of his head
"god no, he'd never say that!" he says through broken sobs
he can't stop the tears from falling
he can't do anything
it's all too much
he feels so useless
he can't breathe properly either, he can't even get something as simple as fucking breathing down correctly, he lets go of his hair in favour of the crucifix, he's basically collared himself with, holds it tight and thinks out into the universe "please" he starts "lord if your real, please just fucking end me, I don't want help, I'm not worth the trouble just please" another broken sob wracks itself out of his chest, out of his throat, he doesnt want to troble aizawa with his presence, or denki with his problems or mic, for taking more of his husbands time or Eri for taking more of her parents time away from her, even if he was there first he always felt like he was intruding "I can't fucking do it anymore" he breaths again but it's shaky and loud and he gets on his knees and holds the rosary in both hands close to his forehead slightly above it "I'm sorry I ever thought I could do this im sorry" breath in, even if it's shakey "Im sorry I thought i could be greater, that I could be something, that I thought i was something, I know this is just a punishment for trying, im sorry" he doesnt know if this is still just the thoughts in his head or if hes speaking out loud, he cant bring himself to care at the moment, he bends down and lays his head on the gross floor and it makes him wanna vomit but he desrves it "im sorry just please make it stop, im so sorry"
The world around him seemed to be disintegrating and not in a positive way. not like how when you smoke weed and you're floating but as if the world is crumbling leaving him alone in the vast void Nothing felt genuine, and the floor beneath him seemed like it was collapsing. The walls appeared as though they could cave in if he touched them, and everything appeared as nothing more than shapes and colours.
He is no longer certain what is happening to him. The world around him seems fabricated and distant, as though it were all an illusion. He feels as though he is the only one who is real, yet simultaneously, he feels as though he is not even real himself. It feels as though he may be living in some kind of experiment or dream, and he can't shake this feeling.
He keeps thinking that he will wake up one day as a helpless child, trapped and alone, with no one to assist him. He is terrified that this could actually happen, and he will be stuck in this nightmare forever. It's as if he is drowning in a never-ending cycle of fear and despair and doesn't know how to break free.
"god if you care and if you hear me please please iv learn my lesson please im sorry wont do any of this ever again im sorry, I'll do whatever you see fit just please make it stop make it stop please please" he can hardly get a word out he's laying on his side now and he can't breathe, was it cause he thought he could be a hero? he knows he won't make it, he's just some dumb kid on his way to being a villain or was it because stopped praying? or maybe it was cause he was a fucking freak who can't do anything at all. he bets it's cus he's a fag, god didn't like faggots. oh, but Denki was so pretty he thought, he didn't deserve him.
He held himself and cried some more. "Please," he whined. "I'm sorry."
He cried
and cried
and cried some more,
and kept crying. What else was he to do?
"Hitoshi, open the door please." It's Aizawa. He sounds... worried. His voice was odd, but Hitoshi ignored it.
"Baby, if you don't open it, Hound Dog is gonna have to crawl under the stall and open it himself, sweetheart." Ah, and that would be Mic. Still, he didn't respond. He just held himself and tried to make himself as small as possible. He didn't see or hear Hound Dog crawl under the stall to unlock it.
He did, however, feel his father's hands on his back, rubbing strong circles and whispering kind words, none of which he could understand but felt good to hear his voice nonetheless. he felt someone in front of him and he felt someone keep rubbing his back he didn't know whos who nor did he care he leaned into the legs that were keeled in front of him and laid his head on them
the hands on his back still rubbed circles, as he sobbed into the legs
Hitoshi gradually calmed down, his sobs turning into hiccups as he pulled away from the legs. He looked up and saw his father's concerned faces
"Hitoshi, what happened?" Aizawa asked gently,
"I- it all was just.. it melted everything, everything was just i- I panicked and- fuck I just"
"Hitoshi, deep breaths," Mic said, putting a hand on his chest, knowing he needs to feel something to be grounded. "Stay on earth, ok?" he joked, and Hitoshi huffed out a laugh, feeling his papa's hand.
His dad's grip tightened on his shoulder, and Hitoshi leaned into it, taking comfort in the support. His father and he shared a knowing look. "We're going home, ok?" his papa said, but Hitoshi's eyes got wide and he shot up. "No, nuh-uh, nope. I gotta work. I need to work. I cannot not work. and you guys have to work."
Mic raised a brow at him, and Aizawa spoke up. "Yeah, anyways, got your bag over there. Mic's gonna go get the car." They both stood, and Aizawa handed him his bag. "Dad, I-" Aizawa cut him off. "Hush, Hitoshi. You're burnt out, and that's ok. But I'm not gonna let you push yourself this far. You bend too much, and you'll break, and I can't have that." He held his son's face with both hands and kissed him on the forehead. "You're our son, and it's our job to pick you up after you fall. So let us pick you up, ok?"
hitoshi was brimming with tears again "ok" he said quietly and threw his bag over his shoulder they made their way out of the building got to the car and made their way home
As they drove home, Aizawa turned to Hitoshi and asked, "Do you...want to talk about it, Hitoshi?" Hitoshi shook his head and looked out of the window. Aizawa and Mic understood that their son needed some time to process his emotions, so he didn't push the matter any further. They drove in silence other than mic radio until they reached home.
As they arrived home, Aizawa and Mic went into the kitchen to prepare some tea, while Hitoshi went to his room to gather his thoughts. He sat on his bed, staring at the wall for a while.
what the fuck was he doing?
god this was all so much, but he needs to tell them what was going on in his head
This is all too much to deal with on his own, and he knew that, he got up and went to his closet put on some comfy PJs and He made his way to the kitchen, which was connected to the dining room. He sat at the table while his dads leaned on the counters, facing each other.
"hi," he said weakly, taking a seat at the table and not looking at his parents
"Hey, kid," Aizawa said, understanding etched on his face. "Hi, baby," Mic whispered. "Do you want some tea? It might make your throat feel better. You sound hoarse," he asked. Hitoshi nodded and took the tea. and Although he would never say it out loud, he loved when Mic made tea. It was the best thing and was oh so comforting. "What's going on, hun?" Mic asked. Hitoshi sighed.
"I don't know, truly I don't," he took a deep breath. "I'm scared of a god I don't even believe in," he said. His parents looked at him, not understanding but listening nonetheless. "Like I'm scared that if I go for what I want, he's gonna punish me," and their eyes widened at that. "He?" they asked at the same time. "God," he said back. "I'm not allowed to love who I want because God doesn't-" he stopped looking at his parents and dropping his gaze in shame at what he was about to say, so he changed his words.
"Doesn't like me,"
and Mic sighed. "That's not what you were gonna say, but I appreciate you not saying 'queers,' kid," he said, sitting his cup down and sitting next to his son, and Hitoshi groaned. "I'm sorry, it's not that I- it's...I was just raised on 'gay is bad,' and it's not like I believe that. Of course, it's not when I see you two being all...I don't know, lovey n' stuff, it makes me smile, and it's sweet when I see Kirishima and Bakugou being well...Kirishima and Bakugou. It makes me yearn. I yearn for that. I want love like that," he sighed. "I want to be loved." He stands, and Mic reaches out for him, but he keeps walking.
pacing
back and forth
"And then it's the whole thing of that I just can't fucking focus, on anything"
pace pace pace
"Nothing is ever enough because I'm not doing enough. I'm lazy, and I'm not saying that to be hateful. It's just what it is. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and I'm gay and lazy," he sighs again. "Hitoshi, you're not-" his dad starts, but he cuts him off. "And it's kinda fucking funny that for the first time, I have two gay guys fostering me, and you two are gonna be the closest thing ill ever have to love. or the only thing I could actually call 'my parents' and im ever so proud to do so but I have so much internalized homophobia towards myself. It makes me hate myself more than anything because I see you guys loving each other, and I want that, but my head tells me that it's nasty or disgusting" he sneezes that last word "BUT IT'S NOT! It's fucking amazing that you two had the goddamn balls to love each other in a world that tells you not to!" He's yelling now, and neither of his parents is stopping him.
"I just don't fucking understand," he says "im so scared of something that isn't even real "im scared of my own shadow"
he puts his hands on the crucifix on his next "I want-" he starts he opens and close his mouth figuring out what he wants to say "happy" he says " i want to be happy"
After Hitoshi's outburst, his parents sat in silence, taking in what he had said. Finally, Aizawa spoke up, "Hitoshi, we love you no matter what. You don't have to be scared of anything, not even God. You deserve to love whoever you want and be loved in return. And as for the lazy part, that's not true. You work hard, why to hard actually and we are proud of you."
Mic added, "We understand that you have internalized hate, and that's okay. It's a process, and we'll be here for you every step of the way. And you know what? You are already loved. We love you, and you have friends who love you too." mic goes to his son and holds his face bringing his forehead to his "you are loved" he whispered "i dont think iv ever loved anything or anyone as much as i loved you" and aizawa came over and put a hand on his sons back "i think id use my husband as a human sheil dto protect you" and mic laughed "ditto!" and they all giggled a little bit
Hitoshi looked up at his parents and melted into his papas hands, tears in his eyes. He felt a weight lifted off his shoulders. "Thank you," he whispered, feeling a sense of relief.
The three of them sat back at the table, sipping their tea and talking about their day. Hitoshi felt a sense of warmth and comfort that he hadn't felt in a long time. He realized that he didn't have to face his problems alone, and that his parents and friends would always be there to support him.
As they finished their tea, Aizawa said, "You know, I think we should have a family movie night tonight. What do you say?" Mic and Hitoshi both agreed, and they spent the rest of the evening cuddled up on the couch, watching a movie and laughing together.
Hitoshi went to bed that night feeling happier than he had in a long time. He knew that there would be more struggles ahead, but he also knew that he had his parents and friends by his side, and that made all the difference.