Chapter Text
"Jeongin, give me a kiss."
"Why do you want to kiss me so bad?"
"Because you're my friend and I like you."
"Since when do friends kiss each other on the mouth?"
"Everyone has their ways of showing affection."
"I like you too but I don't ask for a kiss."
"And that's okay. It's me who wants to kiss you, you can always say no. I won't force you."
"Will you give up?"
"Only if I am making you uncomfortable."
"Okay. Kiss me then."
Sometimes it's all too lonely. Jeongin might've read somewhere that humans need affection in certain levels to not get sick- literally. Hugging creates serotonin, and he at least knows this is a good hormone for the body.
Sometimes he feels himself shrinking continuously from the lack of physical affection - the one he deliberately refuses. He knows he's at fault for this. Nothing he will admit out loud.
Isn't it so embarrassing to be needy?
In the spur of the moment, when he is feeling lightheaded enough for it, Jeongin will always chase hugs from the others. And if he has to be honest, it's nice to notice how each of them has their own way of loving him.
He’s tired of acting as if he’s bothered by the aegyo videos Minho has on his phone— of course, he would like full ownership of it but he knows this is Minho telling him he loves him. I want to look at your cute face whenever I miss you. Jeongin can’t ignore, however, the fact that Minho and Seungmin have a shared folder for photos and videos they took of him that they gush over whenever they are apart. He’s even got a glimpse of some photos that Seungmin sent in the group chat when they were spending holidays with their families. The message read “Jeongin, I miss you. Please make that cute face when we meet again”.
Hyunjin is giving up on invading Jeongin’s personal space these days. Instead, he comes up with little doodles of things that remind him of Jeongin. The youngest suspects he will come up with a big ass painting in some months, and he won’t lie that his insides eat himself alive to imagine how it’ll be when finished. Hyunjin communicates love in a shy manner, but it’s soaked with so many emotions that everyone can understand right away.
The members are all about skinship. Seungmin and Minho should be an exception, given their three-reincarnations-long unresolved feelings, but they like to treat him as a divorce lovechild and so he is often granted hugs and cheesy compliments.
Engaging in some… behavior was completely unacceptable for Jeongin. Because, well. They are all guys, you know? And okay, yeah, some of them were dating! Meaning they are into men. Perfectly acceptable. But Jeongin isn't one of them. He doesn't even know if he's into... people, in general. It's just as acceptable, right?
The idea of liking someone sounds foreign, always did. Is it possible to simply find someone attractive and desire to be with them? How do you entrust your body to someone you just met? He can't deny being weirded out by statements such as "I want to kiss you" from someone he's never met or had a single word with because, seriously, how do you do that?
Jeongin doesn't want to conceal the way he expresses care and love, and also doesn't want to force something he's not comfortable with.
Which comes to a point that he often thinks about, in the privacy of his mind: the way Jisung expresses his love.
One thing about Jisung is that he has a way with words. He can't be quiet for long, nor write a note with less than 3 lines (standard for A4 paper). No wonder he's an incredible musician, the youngster thinks. Jisung writes songs in the middle of the night and gifts it to them by the morning, or just comes up with melodies in a conversation and kind of serenades it for Jeongin. He notices right away when someone's feeling uncomfortable, and can ease them by joking around to distract from the problems in some way. As for Jeongin, Jisung is unable to not drool over him whenever Jeongin is in line of sight. He asks for a hug, calls Jeongin all types of pet names, and makes loud smooching sounds to catch the boy's attention.
The last one has to be the thing that catches on his nerves the most.
When Jeongin met Jisung, they were both teenagers; teenagers aren't known for their sanity, much less for good decisions. Not to mention the amount of hormones that rush in their system and always seem like it won't stop. Even if he's held captive at gunpoint and has to admit to a silly kiss at age 16… he's a dead man. Jeongin is ready to go lengths to end this conversation once and for all.
Ah, stop saying nonsense.
I don't remember it, seriously.
Jeongin is bothered by the fact that his first ever kiss was with Jisung; he is bothered by how sloppy and anti-romantic it seemed; he is bothered for liking it; he is bothered he never got a second chance. Partially because— no, full blame on him for it.
No one stays too much in his life so that he'll be able to cover the memory of his first kiss with a second and a third. Jeongin is met with rejection the moment he dodges a kiss, slap someone’s hands on him bordering suggestive. Jeongin thought to himself over and over; is he making things difficult? He will never be in a relationship because he is the problem?
He is not comfortable with kissing someone for a hookup or that he just met. Which makes it even more strange how he just accepted a kiss from Jisung when he was younger, and it makes absolutely zero sense that he wants more from him.
He’d admit that Jisung's attempts at a kiss always leave him flustered on the inside. He won’t. Jeongin suspects somebody knows. He is afraid to death that it’s Jisung who knows. Jeongin is amazing at reading the room and helping others but he is completely helpless about himself. Jisung, on the other hand, learned the rough way to understand his and other's feelings. It's a weapon Jeongin has to protect himself from. Which is quite difficult when they share the same schedule, job . Sees Jisung's face more than he'd like to, the face of one of his best friends, the one he shared some deep secrets and his first kiss with. He might even say there’s some deep affection there too, but these are words that won’t leave Jeongin’s mouth because first and foremost, they are trapped in his mind. He’s hyper aware of keeping his brain shut, only saying what needs to be said, and “I have a potential crush on my best friend and group member” isn’t one of them.
The others would laugh at him. First, because they'd think it's a joke. And second because, the moment they realize it's not a joke, it'd still be funny; because it's Jeongin and Jisung. A “no-touch” and “all touch” dynamic that would trigger the question he fears the most: how does one manage a relationship like that?
Even if he isn't willing to talk about it, Jeongin still deems his life the funniest one out there.
They're just finishing practice, each resting a little before rehearsing one last time and calling it a day. Jeongin feels sore, his body aching from the effort practice demands of him; the sweat makes his long hair sticky on his neck and he keeps tucking it on a low ponytail to alleviate the warmth. As Jeongin finishes wiping his face with a paper towel, Jisung crashes next to him on the couch, just as tired.
“Did they cut your hair again?” The older asks him, and Jeongin startles before answering.
“Ah, yes. They did it for the fashion event…” He holds some strands on his fingers in a shy manner.
Jisung hums, and shifts closer to properly analyze the change.
“They did the same to you.”
“I asked them not to, but company rules,” Jisung huffs. Then unties the low ponytail Jeongin made, and card through the strands lightly, not wanting to hurt the youngest. “I told them to not cut yours too. Unless you wanted, that's it.”
Huh.
“Huh,” Jeongin deadpans and looks at Jisung properly.
“You told me you liked your hair that length!” The older defends himself, laughter filling in his tone. “And you looked so pretty. I mean, you're pretty with short or long hair but I could tell you liked it too, so… It was nice to see you so happy with it.”
Jeongin's cheeks burned as the compliments hung in the air, flustered because he not only can't deal well with them, but also because it's Jisung saying it. And his eyes shine with sincerity in each word spoken, it makes Jeongin really believe the words are true. Okay, Jisung would never lie to him, and yet. How could he even fathom that someone like him would compliment Jeongin?
“Earth to Innie,” Jisung shakes his hand in front of his eyes, and Jeongin opts to fake a cough, awkward. The chuckle Jisung gives in doesn't help him at all. “You're pretty, you know that, right?”
Scratching the back of his neck, Jeongin decides he has to answer. “It was so out of the blue, hyung. You flatter me.”
“Hmm, maybe if you let me compliment you more often that wouldn't be so out of the blue,” and Jisung is back to his clingy mode, leaning over Jeongin's personal space and pouting excessively, the kissy face provoking more butterflies in his stomach than Jeongin will acknowledge to. Jeongin grimaces, even if he suspects his face is all red given the amused chuckle that leaves Jisung's lips, and he strays slightly from Jisung's embrace. “You're so cute.”
And then he's gifted with a kiss on his neck, the texture of his lips scratching over the long strands of hair and skin making Jeongin shiver, surprised, this time completely leaning away from Jisung. Although, it's not needed, since the oldest stands up and moves forward the others, chiming in the conversation Minho and Changbin are having. He does so by embracing Minho on a back hug, the older quickly accommodating to it since it's his best friend.
Jeongin found himself struggling to keep his composure. His heart raced, torn between the flutter, the feeling of being special, being pampered with Jisung's attention; and the naturalness, the ease in which Jisung does it, not only with Jeongin, but with everybody around him.
You're no more special than the others, Jeongin, his insides gnaw at him.
He stole a furtive glance at Jisung, bright and smiley over a funny joke Hyunjin told him, laughter echoing through the practice room and filling Jeongin's heart, jumping furiously against his ribcage and threatening to escape from there and be known to everyone. It's not even funny anymore.
Jeongin excuses himself, explains to Chan that he's going to the bathroom and denies the offer of company. The older eyes him suspiciously but lets him still. He almost sprints out of the practice room and into the bathroom stalls by the end of the corridor. The large mirrors welcome him and his red face mockingly, and Jeongin toss water at himself in a hurry to hide it.
“It's not funny watching you and Jisung anymore,” Seungmin surges out of nowhere, and Jeongin hits his head against the faucet, startled. “Both of you are stupid, and whipped.”
And as embarrassed and confused as Jeongin is, his fight or flight reaction screams fight, because it's Seungmin testing his patience right now.
“I don't think you are the person to say this to me,” He senses the green-eyed monster in Seungmin's features as well. “Confess to Minho hyung first and maybe I'll treat your opinion as a valid one.”
Seungmin lets out a gasp, shock washing through his features. Yeah, smartass, we all know you like him.
“Don't make this about me. Hyung always keeps me at arm's length, he doesn't even like me,” The older hisses at Jeongin. “Unlike you and your dumbass of a crush.”
“What makes you sure Jisung likes me?” Jeongin scoffs, picking paper towels to dry his face properly, being careful of not scratching it too roughly against his skin.
“Oh gosh, you're just as dumb as he is!” Seungmin huffs, annoyed, and leaves it at that. “Let's head back, I want to go home.”
"Are you sure of it, Innie?"
"Yes. Maybe that will make you leave me alone. And it's not like I will have any other chance in my life either way."
"What? Who told you that?"
"Giving up already?"
"I never said that, I just want to—"
"Will you do it or not?"
"I… Come here.”
Most of them almost run to the parking lot, eager to take a seat and go home. Jisung and Changbin go to the bathroom first, and Jeongin takes the time to wander into the vending machine by the hallway. He is craving a snack, even if by the time they get home Minho is going to prepare the most delicious dish he has only seen in his dreams. Jeongin decides to indulge this time.
Changbin passes by him in the hallway and motions to the elevator. “We will be waiting for you and Jisung, don’t be late.”
Jeongin nods, finding it funny how Changbin under fatigue seems nothing like the loud and enthusiastic character of always.
By the time the vending machine gives him his snack, he presses the button to call off the elevator. It just now reached the ground floor (Changbin probably), so it’ll take a while to reach Floor 7 again.
The sweet time helps him enjoy his mint-chocolate blanchul. It’s just a cookie, but he is so tired that it feels like an entire meal and his stomach craves for more.
Eventually, Jisung appears by his side. Jeongin is almost finished with all the snacks in the package and makes a mental reminder to brush his teeth with extra care later.
"Oh hey pretty," The oldest says casually. "You come here often?"
"Don't do that ever again," Jeongin answers Jisung's poor attempt at a joke, and they both chuckle lightly. “I thought your fuckboy era was over.”
“Old habits die hard I guess,” Jisung smiles. “Sorry.”
Jeongin's heart warmed at Jisung's sincerity, his doubts momentarily pushed aside by the genuine concern in his eyes.
It all feels so strange.
Everyone out there would've made Jeongin uncomfortable, or at least startled to hear these flirty remarks. Hell, if Seungmin did that to him he'd actually snap in disgust, even if he knew it was a joke. And the thing is, he knows Jisung is joking, but he doesn't mind. It feels natural, it feels right, and he likes to be at the end of his affection, of his jokes, of his flirtation.
You're still not special.
“It's okay hyung, I'm not uncomfortable,” he shakes his head in reassurance, also trying to turn any angsty feelings to dust. “You want some— oh, you don’t like choco-mint, right?”
“It tastes like toothpaste man, nah.”
Jeongin rolls his eyes. “You have no taste." The elevator door opens in front of them and both enter. "I'll message the others to let them know we are getting there."
Jisung only nods and takes on the role of pressing the floor button while Jeongin types in the message on his phone. Fortunately, no one calls over higher floors so they are just descending, soon in front of the car and sooner in Minho's house.
Or maybe some divine force above the skies had other plans for the day.
When the elevator stops at a halt Jeongin almost curses. His eyes are shot open as he and Jisung stare at each other. The elevator isn't moving and the lights are faltering a bit.
"I can't believe this.” Jeongin turns to the button panel and searches for an emergency button or something. But the panel is extremely counterintuitive and the youngest gets a little irritated by that. He turns back to tell Jisung that maybe they will be stuck for a while and freezes.
Jisung's eyes are blown wide and focused at nothing, and Jeongin can see the pupils trembling a little. He's biting his lower lip with some force and Jeongin notices his mouth trembling too, as well as his body. Standing still without being able to move, even though Jisung's face is just a step from contorting into a cry for help.
"Oh no, Hannie—" Jeongin begins to panic but swallows quickly because he can't do that. He takes the phone from his pocket again and warns the others that he and Jisung are stuck in the elevator. Immediately forgets he has a phone anyway, ignoring the buzzing that comes from it.
Jeongin goes to Jisung's side and touches his elbow cautiously. "Hyung, can you look at me right now?"
Jisung doesn't answer, still with his gaze lost over the elevator door.
Jeongin isn't sure what to do when Jisung has panic attacks because there were few instances he was present during it. Jisung himself did shield Jeongin from seeing it, always deeming him too young for that. Not to mention that it's always Seungmin, Minho and Chan who offer help right away. They had a better understanding of it or just knew how to calm Jisung better than any of the others because it was clear how he chased after their help whenever he felt it building.
He gently touches one of Jisung's hands which fidgets with the other nervously. "Hannie, let's sit down shall we?" He drapes his arms over the older's shoulders and applies slight pressure to sit them down on the elevator floor. Jisung abides but doesn't seem very attuned to this world.
When they are both sat, Jeongin searches for Jisung's focus and stands in the line of sight, trying to get some attention in a way that doesn't disturb the other.
"Hyung, breathe. Look at me and breathe," He pleads trying to catch Jisung's attention again, the older does so with glossy eyes but it's better than nothing. "Name five things you can see. If you can't speak, it's okay to point them out." Even if his ears and eyes are mostly static, Jisung still does as asked, and slowly starts to point out things. "The elevator door… the button panel, okay… the camera on the ceiling. I am here too, yes, and your shoes. Great, great.”
The oldest feels grateful for not being bribed to talk, even if everything is still blurred in his mind.
“We are stuck in the elevator, and it seems cramped, but it's okay, alright? I'm here too." Jeongin says carefully, voice so low that if he and Jisung were just a little more apart the other wouldn’t hear. “Can you tell me four things you can touch?"
Shakily, Jisung moves his hand first for the floor, and Jeongin follows his movements with attention, whispering assurance that he is doing well. Then he touches his striped jacket, soft against his fingers. He looks over and touches on his shoes as well, and feels the cracks in the fabric and how these shoes won’t make it until the end of the year, probably.
He needs one more thing. And before he can get anxious again over not accomplishing to stay calm, Jisung asks in a hurry, "Can I touch you?"
Jeongin doesn’t even blink. “Of course you can.”
The younger one offers his hand for Jisung and he takes it in exasperation.
Jeongin doesn’t understand most things in life, and the warmth that spreads almost instantly through his body is one of them. Jisung is squeezing his hand hard, the oldest looks even a bit afraid of hurting him, but Jeongin isn’t moving an inch away and shifts closer so it’s a less awkward angle. They sit side by side, and he mirrors Jisung's position, having his knees close to his body. Their limbs brush slightly and that seems to be the only thing reminding Jeongin of which realm he is in right now.
You're fretting over intertwined hands, for God's sake. Stop it, Jeongin.
“Hyung? A-Are you okay, is this okay?” Jisung hears nothing but Jeongin’s voice, and it even sounds muffled through the heartbeat in his eardrum, but he nods frantically still. “Do you think you can count three things you can hear?”
"Y-Your voice…” Jisung starts. “My voice… a faint beep sound."
"They are probably trying to get us out of here, so maybe that is the beep sound." Jeongin soothes Jisung's knuckles with his own fingertips, seeking to calm him. “Just hold on a little more, okay? Are you feeling better, even if just a little?”
The oldest nods slowly, Jeongin is not sure if he wants to talk or not so he stays in silence too. After a few moments, Jisung just squeezes his hand and moves a bit closer, but hesitates right away.
"S-Sorry I didn't ask—"
"It's okay hyung, you can move closer."
"I-I can only smell your… your breath, I'm sorry," His eyes wander everywhere in the cramped space but Jeongin’s face, even because Jisung is a little embarrassed to say that out loud. Their proximity makes it too easy to lock eyes with Jeongin's lips and it's embarrassing. Their hands are still intertwined and he feels at peace for that. “It’s… it’s choco-mint.”
Jeongin smiles faintly. “Yes, I was eating it earlier. Do you remember which snack it was?”
Jisung nods. “Blanchul.”
“That’s right. Unfortunately, I ate it all, so you don’t have something to taste hyung, I’m sorry…” Jeongin says with some nervousness for not being able to help until the end, and he contemplates nothing for a while. “I don’t think you’d eat it anyways because you don’t like choco-mint but I don’t think there’s anything you can taste right now—”
"M-Maybe there is."
“Oh? What is it?”
Jeongin still looks naive. He still has innocent looks, even if Jisung knows that he isn’t so innocent deep down. But he doesn’t catch on to Jisung's suggestion. So it’s a shot in the dark what he is about to ask.
“Can I kiss you?”
The youngest freezes and blinks for a few seconds. Jisung can see the gears inside his head forming an insult followed by a punch, but he stops for a moment. It all happens so quickly, he sees the exclamation mark in Jeongin’s brain, his face flushing red. He shrinks in his seat but doesn’t make a motion to drift apart from Jisung. The latter panics and is quick to correct himself.
“Nonono, no, no, ignore that. It’s okay. Y-You don’t have to do it, I am okay. I already, um… Feel a little b-better, please just ignore I asked that—”
“You can.” Jeongin squeezes Jisung’s hand back and looks deeply into the older’s eyes, flaming with determination. Jisung’s breath gets stuck in his throat, and he is inert for a while before he can see Jeongin biting his lower lip in fear.
Fear of what, Jisung doesn’t know, but takes the hint nonetheless and then his free hand is brushing against Jeongin’s cheek before the idea slips the moment.
Leaning in slowly, he pressed their lips against each other. Jisung's hand slipped from Jeongin's cheek to the nape of his neck, pulling him closer and asking for a permission, deepening the kiss ever so slightly. The world around them ceased to exist. There was only the softness of Jisung's lips, the warmth of his embrace, and the beating of their hearts, synchronized in a frantic rhythm. Jisung squeezes their interlocked hands once for reassurance.
The first time, Jeongin didn’t have much experience. And it’s not like he has kissed anyone in the meantime. Now and then he’d lose himself against the need of indulgence, and he’d look for anyone stupid enough to kiss him back, but it just wasn't easy for him.
No one felt as sincere as Jisung did.
Even if their first kiss was messy and sloppy, and it probably had more eagerness than needed, Jeongin could never replicate the feeling of comfort, belonging. His encounters had been hollow, leaving him craving something more substantial, more tactile. It never came.
Now he is there again, being pulled by the neck by the one he shared his first kiss with and wishes to share the second, third, fourth, and so on.
His hands embrace Jisung’s narrow waist impossibly tight to his own body, wishing to feel as much as he can of it. Jisung’s back leans against the elevator wall, and Jeongin is careful to not hurt him as he chases for more of the kiss, the embrace, Jisung.
He even forgets the security camera there, but subconsciously wishes that it had the same fate as the elevator, unable to function right now.
Jisung’s hands hold each side of his head, as if assuring Jeongin that it’s happening, it’s right, it’s him. With each tender caress of Jisung’s thumb on his cheek, Jeongin felt a flood of emotions he couldn't put into words. There was desire, yes, but there was also a sense of belonging, of finding something he had been searching for.
As Jeongin pulled away, gasping for air, their eyes met once more, and he saw his reflection in the other’s gaze. He knows his face is flushed red just as Jisung is now, and when his gaze darts to Jisung’s swollen lips, there’s the curve of a smile forming there.
“Chocomint isn’t so bad if it’s you.”
Jeongin almost laughs at that; instead, he hides his face in his hands and wishes to disappear right away.
Twice. He is stupid enough to kiss Jisung twice in his life.
He hates the feeling of craving, the intensity of it surprises even himself. It’s irksome. He can’t want what he can’t have; Jeongin hates the way his mind betrays him, showering with full force the intricate fantasies, replaying what just happened dozens of times in his head and with a little more confidence, in real life too. His heart stubbornly clings to hope.
They stay in silence for a while, breathing steadily, when Jisung breaks the silence.
“Jeongin, I—”
Jeongin is extremely grateful when the elevator doors open right away and soon his hyungs are rushing inside to help him and Jisung. Minho and Chan are the first ones to crouch down beside them, asking in a hurry if everything is okay. He hears Jisung say, very quietly, "I am good now".
Jeongin lowers his hands enough so that his eyes are apparent, meeting seven other pairs silently asking for assurance. He nods and they all breathe in relief, the loudest sigh coming from the very someone still by his side.
Engulfed by the feeling that threatens to consume him whole, he lets himself be held by Minho, and they all head to the car. Jeongin clings onto him the entire ride, and can’t properly hear what the others are talking about even if the space is so small. Faintly, there’s Chan’s voice saying “he must’ve been so scared” and Jisung answering almost immediately “it’s my fault, I’m sorry”.
“It is not,” Jeongin says in a hurry, and the speed of his movements makes his head spin and he groans. “Please don't say that, it’s not your fault, hyung.”
“You should rest, Innie,” Changbin put his hand over Jeongin’s head, seated by his side. “It’s okay, Jisung was just worried, right?” Jeongin doesn't have to turn away to know Changbin is looking at Jisung for reassurance, and the faint “yeah” he hears from him makes it.
Jeongin doesn’t completely believe it, but there’s nothing much he can’t do right now, so he chooses to lay his weight against Minho until they reach home.
It’s been some days. When Jeongin wakes up on a gym day (out of the many in the week), he is grateful that the sunlight leaking through the curtains seems gentle enough to not annoy him. He is not as excited as he should be for practicing, but well… It's been quite tiring days.
Jeongin scans the bed for his phone and his eyes close the moment the brightness hits, but recovers quickly and unlocks it to clear his notifications.
The first message he sees is from Jisung.
hannie hyung
hey baby! Morning
ready for practice today??
excited to see you there :*
hehehe…
Actually
i wanted to apologize for the inconvenience the other day,,,
i was embarrassed, sorry for taking so long to say it
yeni
good morning, hyung
don’t apologize, please. it’s okay
i am not upset or anything of the sort
Jeongin is not upset whatsoever about a panic attack. He's not upset about anything if that's what Jisung thinks.
hannie hyung
okay, sorry
i just didn’t want you to see it, so…
i’m embarrassed
yeni
there’s no need for that!
i don't think any less of you.
Jisung sends him a cute sticker as a way of saying "thank you" and Jeongin smiles, even though it is feeble.
Nothing has changed, nothing will change.
They will come back to the routine of always, acting as if nothing happened. And if someone brings it up, in any way, Jeongin will deny it as he always does.
He hopes Jisung doesn't bring this up. He knows the older won't talk about it with the others, the problem is for them to talk about it. Jeongin doesn't want to. He prays that it won't ever happen.
Seungmin doesn’t ask any questions when Jeongin leaves his room; it doesn't even look like he has anything to ask anyway, even if the youngest suspects he does. He makes small talk to Jeongin, talking about their schedule and upcoming comeback, and how he is anxious to do everything well.
“You can always ask for help if it’s harsh,” Jeongin says after taking a bite from his food.
“Yeah…” Seungmin nods. “You too, you know.”
Seungmin is great at masking many things about himself, one of them being the ability to be nosy sometimes.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound intrusive," He hurries to say. "But if you feel like we can talk about this, I'm ready to listen. Anytime."
Not that he is nosy, just worried. But depending on the issue, it can look like that. All of them. Jeongin ponders, his insides twist with so many questions while the tea cup is cooling on his hands. He feels like he can trust Seungmin on this matter, but the words fail him the moment he opens his mouth to speak. He laughs at his own misery. Jeongin opts to not say anything, but thanks him nonetheless for the words.
For some reason, everyone in practice treats him well but with some expectation.
Still, something is off. Jeongin can't pinpoint what it is, but the air seems rather empty, if not also quiet. Too quiet.
Practice is a bit sloppy because of the lack of some members. They will arrive after, but that leaves him, Hyunjin, Changbin, Minho and Jisung assigned to practice in the meantime. Still, they exchange opinions and jokes, but the silence fills the wrong spots for how it usually goes.
Jisung isn't nearly as talkative as he is other days, and it certainly worries Jeongin. Once in a while he looks over to the other's direction, only to find him attentively listening but not talking a lot.
Jeongin suspects either he isn't capable of masking his worry in any way possible, or Hyunjin has grown to extreme social attunement. He can’t hide for his life how much he wants to ask if everything is okay. So Jeongin himself takes on the duty of talking to him.
“Don’t burn a hole in my head, hyung.” He says after a moment he and Hyunjin excuse themselves to rest on the couch.
“I'm sorry, I’m just— I don't know...” Hyunjin whispers the last part quiet enough that Jeongin almost can’t hear. He looks nervous and Jeongin can’t understand. “Listen, I know that Jisung had a panic attack in the elevator the other day. And he told me you were able to…” He looks to the ceiling as if looking for a better word. “Calm him. So I just wanted to ask if— If everything's alright between you two?"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"It's just… Jisung feels a lot of guilt whenever this happens. Be it with any of us, he feels like showing a part of him that… shouldn't be seen?" Hyunjin sighs, voice so low Jeongin has to focus a lot to hear him properly. "And I don't think you've ever seen it so… I was just worried that things were awkward, that's all."
“Oh… I understand but it's okay, really. It’s not something we can… uh, control, is that a proper word?" Jeongin has a light smile on his face as he speaks, slightly afraid of sounding condescending. Hyunjin nods, giving him reassurance. "I told him it's okay but… If something's going on inside his head, I can't just force it out. Unfortunately. I'm a bit worried."
“Yes… right, I'm glad you understand this,” Hyunjin smiles in relief. “In the end, I’m happy you were there, too."
“Ah, me?"
"Yeah. You two visibly soften around each other."
Mild confusion washes through Jeongin. "We do?"
"Ah, the obliviousness." Hyunjin sighs. "Just like Jisung."
Jeongin felt his cheeks flush with embarrassment as Hyunjin's words sank in. Again, either he really is obvious or Hyunjin's love for love makes him a psychic in the matter. He shifts uncomfortably, suddenly feeling self-conscious.
"Obliviousness?" He chuckles nervously, trying to play it off. "Good joke, hyung."
Hyunjin raises an eyebrow, a knowing smirk playing at the corners of his lips. "A joke, huh? Okay Innie. I won't press." He stands up once he sees the three other members entering the room, meaning they'll start real practice. "But, you know. You can always be honest."
“Can I talk to you?” Jeongin asks after practice, calling Jisung to the side. The older boy’s eyes are open in a way that makes him look like a hamster. The look of someone who always seems lost, maybe Jisung is. Not as Jeongin right now, though.
“Why do you look like you will beat me? I did nothing!”
“I—" Being too self-conscious now, Hyunjin's words replay in Jeongin's mind. Ah, the obliviousness . "I won’t, I'm sorry. I-I just want to talk.”
Jisung suddenly doesn’t look so miserable, instead he is confused. He motions to say something but notices the others leaving and hurries to do the same. He takes Jeongin by the elbow to the exit door.
“Okay… Let's go home then?”
Jeongin nods and follows after him. The others can’t hear what they are whispering about.
“It can’t be at our dorm, though,” Jeongin says after scanning the environment. “Seungmin looks a bit sick and Minho hyung definitely will pamper him at home. I’d like to dodge whatever cheesy things they will put on tonight.”
“I live with Hyunjin and Changbin, nothing can be more cheesy than that,” Jisung retorts and Jeongin laughs lightly in agreement, forgetting momentarily that he is supposed to be serious there. Jisung can easily lift his mood, and Jeongin adds that on the mental list of Han Jisung Problems. “But no problem. You just have to talk with Minho, I can deal with Chan hyung.”
“Okay, easy,” Jeongin says calmly as they all reach the elevator on the other side of the corridor. Someone cracks a joke about getting stuck again and they all laugh but Jeongin notices how Jisung almost melts himself against the walls as it descends, engaging more than eagerly on the conversation to distract himself. Very much contrary to his behavior all day.
When the car stops, Jeongin waits for Jisung to leave but is taken by surprise when Minho touches his elbow. Jeongin visibly jumps and the oldest laughs snarkily. He doesn't even get the chance to ask what he has to, the smug look in Minho's eyes giving him out.
Oh boy he knows something. Jeongin feels tricked, like everyone is aware of the problem but him, and that is visible by the way he wordlessly eyes Minho hurrying inside the building, teasing Jisung about something along the way. Minho plays it off while the other whines over whatever he said, calling the elevator for himself and waving smugly when Jisung comes running shortly after. The elevator door closes on his face and he laughs.
Jeongin immediately presses the call button.
“He’s unbelievable,” Jisung huffs.
“What did he just say to you?”
“It’s nothing.” Jeongin nods silently but doesn’t miss the slight pink flush the older one has on his cheeks. It's because he just ran. “Um… Is everything alright? Is it about the other day? I…I didn’t tell anyone what we did, okay?"
“I… I'm not worried about it, hyung, it's okay," The elevator makes a last stop at Floor 1 before welcoming them on the lower ground. "And it has nothing to do with our texts too, okay?" The youngest enters first and calls for their floor. Jisung enters after him, and Jeongin notices he is nervous.
Another elevator. And it’s the two of them again.
Jeongin battles with himself to stay quiet, to stay put and still, but as soon as the elevator goes up, he hears a low yelp from his side. He is a weak man.
“Do you want to hold my hand?” Jeongin asks and Jisung looks surprised.
“Can I?”
The youngest doesn’t answer, instead leaning his hand towards Jisung, who eagerly intertwines their fingers and squeezes lightly. He leans against the elevator wall with a relieved sigh.
“You don't have to ask every single time, you know.”
“Ah… I don't want to make you uncomfortable.”
“You don't.”
The elevator shakes ever so lightly, and Jisung squeezes his hand in a yelp.
“It’s okay, it won’t happen again.” Jeongin brushes his thumb gently against Jisung's knuckles, looking at his shoes mindlessly.
Jisung almost gets anxious again, but he knows it’s impossible. Not when Jeongin is holding his hand with such worry, eyeing the panel once in a while for the stops and shielding him from the people who greet them “goodnight” as they enter the elevator too.
Jeongin is afraid of what this naturality can mean but ignores it right away.
Their hands disentangle when they reach the dorm door. Jeongin shortly greets Changbin and Chan sprawled on the couch in the living room. Chan has a sweet smile on his face and Jeongin is afraid of what it means. A too-happy Chan looking at him can only mean trouble.
They reach Jisung’s room. It’s incredibly tidy given their schedules lately and, well, who the owner is. That gives Jeongin the freedom to sit on the chair desk in front of the bed, recognizing it as a workplace. He quickly scans the desk, notices some music sheets there, and is ready to ask about them but when he turns to face Jisung, there's nowhere to run.
Jisung sits on his bed, a bit far from Jeongin, and that feels strange.
“Hyung, has something happened?” Jeongin decides to not beat around the bush, fidgeting nervously with the rings on his fingers. “I don't… I'm sorry, I don't like how you're treating me right now.”
“Uh- I- I'm sorry, what?”
“Did I make you uncomfortable? I said something you didn't like? I don't want to talk about the other day but if something happened since then that is making you feel anxious and I can help somehow, I-”
“Jeongin, wait, calm down,” In the midst of his blabbering, he doesn't notice how Jisung shifted significantly closer to him, and reaches for his hands to ground him. “I… I am sorry, it was not my intention… Looks like I keep worrying you.”
“It's a natural response to be worried about you hyung, I am your friend , am I not?” Jeongin says in a bitter tone, feeling downplayed.
Jisung looks conflicted. “It… It is but… I don't like to make others worry about me, especially since it has to do with… with that… what happened on the elevator. I'm terribly sorry you felt like that, Innie. I just, really, didn't want to make you any more uncomfortable or worried about it.”
Jeongin glances over Jisung, uncertainty clouding his eyes.
“Don’t assume I'm always uncomfortable around you,” The youngest pleads. This conversation makes him feel oddly emotional, and he can't quite pinpoint the reasons why. Worry about Jisung's mood? Yes. A weakening of their friendship? Of course. Fear of being deprived altogether of Jisung's affection? Definitely. “I… I know I can't deal well with affection but I…”
“...You like it?” Jisung finishes his sentence, but his head slightly tilted to the side tells Jeongin that he isn't sure and it's more of a surprise than a proper answer.
The prospect of being sincere held a certain allure—a chance of one in a million to just let himself and experience a spontaneous interaction with Jisung. One that belongs to only the both of them, how it always goes. Be it a kiss in the practice room when they're teenagers, snuggling in a single bed in their old dorms, having Jisung direct him in recording, sharing a kiss while trapped in an elevator.
Oh.
These memories are filled with more fondness than he imagined.
“I do,” Jeongin answers honestly, and feels the heat quickly creeping up his neck and cheeks. He tries to muster any more words, but he is only capable of saying, “I really do.”
Jisung smiles openly, both happiness and shyness filling in the heart shape of his lips. Jeongin's heart swells, and oh God Jisung knows.