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It's an annoyingly cold day in Chicago when they first meet. Patrick is thirteen and Pete is still eleven. Patrick’s body is changing, but not like that ― he’s not a fucking girl. It’s just. His ass ― it’s rather large. And his thighs ― they’re there. And they’re disgustingly wide. And his stomach has this gross little pouch that shows through all his shirts no matter how much he sucks in.
And above all else Patrick is feeling ― this includes the crush he has on the tall boy in the year above him and the stress from his mother having recently divorced ― he feels fat. Patrick feels like a fucking elephant and heavy and repulsive. And he just wants it to go away. He just wants to feel normal and okay again but that’s hard with his annoying gut that just keeps becoming more visible.
And he hates it. Patrick hates his body and the way he looks and he’s beginning to just hate himself in general, if he's honest.
Pete is young and only eleven and still blissfully ignorant. He bumps into Patrick at school and barely mutters out an “oops” just as a “sorry” falls from Patrick's lips. Pete smiles at Patrick when he shrugs, then they’re both on their separate ways. That’s all there is to it, really, but for some reason, Patrick finds himself wishing that his smile was still as genuine as the dark haired boy’s was.
They don’t acknowledge each other when they pass in the halls. They don’t suddenly become best friends or anything. They don’t even speak until almost two years later when it’s a new school year and Pete’s just turned thirteen and Patrick’s been fifteen for a little while.
Sometime during the two years that they haven’t spoken, Patrick decided he really does hate the way he looks. He hates his stomach that’s just gotten worse and his thighs that are still there and he hates everything about himself, except maybe his eyes since they seem to refelct what he pictures the ocean to look like kinda. In order to deal with his weight issue, he’s done everything he knows to. He spent months working out excessively trying to lose just a few pounds or at least make the fat less visible. When that didn’t work, he combined it with eating “healthier” foods. That had done nothing but make him gain weight. Granted, it was muscle but it was still unwanted. About four months ago, he’d decided to start eating a little less.
It really had started out just like that ― eating a little less. Making small servings, occasionally skipping breakfast. No big deal, really, lots of people did that. Then he’d realized if he could skip breakfast, he could probably skip lunch, too. He could eat snacks, and it’d be the same, right? Yeah, so that’s where he was now. Making sure he ate at least one meal a day and he had snacks throughout the day. Nothing had really changed that he had noticed, but he was refusing to go back to how he was. It had to change.
It’s early October a couple years after they had first met when Pete notices Patrick in the lunch line, holding a water bottle in his hands. He still looks as great as he had remembered, except a little older. Pete likes to pride himself on looking older, too. Sure, he’s only been thirteen for a few months, but he’s still a teenager. He’s practically grown up.
“Hi, I’m Pete,” he tells Patrick, deciding to be brave and stepping up next to him.
Patrick turns, not expecting anyone to be speaking to him. Sure, he has a few friends that he’s close with, but no one else really talks to him. He doesn’t ever make any new friends. Patrick doesn’t mind; he figures it’s because no one wants to be friends with such a fattie. He doesn’t blame them: he wouldn’t want to be friends with himself either. He doesn’t even like being himself.
“Patrick,” he responds with a nod of his head. He hopes that will be the end of it, that the boy with dark hair and lovely brown eyes will leave him be.
He isn’t so lucky. “Are you just getting a water?” Pete questions, sounding genuinely curious.
Patrick tenses up so slightly that he notices, but prays to whatever god out there that Pete doesn’t. He tries not to pause for too long, so he says, “Yeah, had a massive breakfast.” The lie comes easy. Despite not having had anything to eat all day, he feels like he’s eaten a ton so it’s really just convincing himself. And besides, he always uses that excuse.
Just as Pete starts to respond, it’s Patrick’s turn to pay for his water. He smiles at Pete and says, “It was good to meet you properly, see you around,” before walking off without waiting for a response. He almost feels bad, then he remembers that not even some young boy like Pete would want to be his friend because of how disgusting he is, so he only feels bad for himself.
After that, they do smile and give a casual wave to each other in the halls. Pete feels so lucky because someone in an upper grade is actually acknowledging him. Patrick just likes it because Pete has a nice smile and his hair is a curly beautiful mess and he also has dimples, so really, Patrick has no room to complain. After a couple months of that, Pete figures he should just go for it and they start talking in the halls. That’s how it goes for the rest of the year, and then reality hits Pete. School will be out for summer break in a few weeks, and Pete is absolutely terrified of losing all contact over the break.
It goes like this: Pete may only be thirteen, but he figures he knows how to appreciate a nice smile, whether it is a boy’s or a girl’s. Another thing he figures is that he finds himself appreciating boys’ smiles more often than girls’. Sure, he knows when a girl is considered hot or whatever word boys his age use; he just doesn’t find very much interest in them.
More importantly, he figures that Patrick has a smile that’s very much worth appreciating. So that’s what he does. And while he’s doing this, he goes up to Patrick towards the end of the day.
“We’re friends, right?” is what he starts off with.
Patrick looks up and smiles. Somehow during the past few months, Patrick has grown to quite enjoy speaking and smiling with Pete. “Hey, Pete. Yeah, we’re friends, I think?” He sounds unsure of himself but the smile stays on his face.
“So friends talk over the summer and hang out and stuff, yeah?” Pete says.
Patrick sighs. He was hoping Pete wouldn’t bring this up. He could manage to not make a complete jerk out of himself for five minutes during the school day, but he doesn’t know if he can actually spend a longer amount of time with him. He didn’t really spend that long with anyone, if he's being honest. He doesn't hang out with his friends outside of school on most occasions, save his neighbor, Elisa . It’s not that he doesn't want to hang out with them, it's just easier. The less time he sees them, the less chance there is of them noticing his diet and questioning it. “Yeah,” he says, “Sometimes.”
Pete smiles and Patrick really doesn’t understand how a thirteen year old boy can be so precious. “Good, because I want us to hang out this summer.”
“Oh ―uhm, is that really a good idea? I’m sure you’ll be busy and all―” Patrick starts but Pete apparently thinks it’d be a good idea to interrupt him.
“Bullshit. Here, give me your number and we can make plans. Deal?” He’s already pulling his phone out of his back pocket so really, Patrick is in no position to argue with him. A little apprehensively, he puts his number into Pete’s phone and saves it as “Patrick. :)”. He doesn’t bother asking for Pete’s number since he knows he’ll text or call him.
True to his word, Pete texts him that evening. Although they don’t hang out until the first week of summer, they’re inseparable after that. Pete always wants to be around Patrick. It makes it a little more difficult for Patrick to keep up with his diet, but he manages to always schedule when they hang out around meals. They don’t ever stay the night with each other, but they somehow still grow impossibly close. Pete is in awe of Patrick at all times, which Patrick doesn’t understand at all. Patrick finds it surprisingly easy to be himself around Pete, almost 100%. By the end of the summer, Patrick has told Pete pretty much everything there is to know about him. He somewhat tells him about his diet, except he leaves the diet part of it out. So really, he just says that he used to be really insecure about himself. He assures Pete that it’s all good now and everything’s okay. Fortunately enough, Pete believes him easily.
It’s Friday night, and school starts back up on Monday, so Pete suggests they spend the following night together. Patrick doesn’t know if it’s a good idea, and Pete seems to be able to tell.
“My mom already loves you, Patrick. C’mon, it’ll be fun,” Pete tries to convince him. He’s brought it up a few times before, but Patrick always has an excuse. He really hopes this can eventually become a regular thing, but he’ll take what he can get for now.
After a little bit of debate, Patrick gives in. On the following night, he finds himself lying in bed with Pete. He had to eat dinner, which he’s been doing less often, so he feels pretty disgusting. He can’t very well say that aloud though, so he suffers in silence.
Despite the fact that he’s still taller than Pete, he’s cuddling up to Pete with Pete’s arms around him. He wonders if Pete can breathe, because even though he’s been eating less, he’s pretty sure he’s been gaining weight.
“Hey, Patrick?” Pete says, voice soft.
“Yeah?”
“You know how you, uhm, like boys?” he sounds so unsure of himself, Patrick thinks, but Pete doesn’t wait for a response from him. “Is fourteen too young to know that? If you like boys?”
Patrick thinks for a moment before answering. “No, I liked a boy in the year above me when I was thirteen.”
“Good, okay, then I like boys,” Pete says, letting out a sigh of relief.
“Cool,” Patrick responds and that’s all there is to it, really.
Over the next couple years, they become even closer if that’s possible. They’re best friends in the truest sense of the term. Patrick pretty much depends on Pete for his happiness, which he suspects can’t be good at all, but it’s true. Pete also relies on Patrick a lot. He’s been his role model in a sense as he’s been growing up. He hasn’t finished that bit yet, but he figures he’s pretty comfortable with the way he is now.
Also over these two years, Pete thinks he’s fallen in love with Patrick. Patrick is so pretty and perfect and precious. Patrick makes his entire life a million times better when he smiles, even more so when it’s that small smile he has reserved just for Pete. Pete’s been surprised that they’ve remained so close, seeing as Patrick is now seventeen and Pete’s still young like he’s always been. He has a sneaky suspicion that Patrick’s hiding something from him, but he doesn’t let it bother him. He knows everything else about the boy with the beautiful eyes, so he’s content. He wonders if he ought to tell Patrick how he feels. He’s right terrified that Patrick will be disgusted and it will end their entire friendship. He’s spoken to Elisa, Patrick’s neighbor that he’s somehow become good friends with, and she assures him that he feels the same. “He looks at you like you’ve hung the moon and the stars, babe,” she tells him, but he isn’t really sure she believes him. Either way, Elisa is constantly trying to get him to tell Patrick. He just isn’t positive he’s ready for that yet.
Patrick can’t help but think Pete is the most pure and genuine person he’s ever known. He feels so privileged to have been a part of his life. He’s not going to lie, he more often than not has the urge to kiss the younger boy, but he doesn’t think that’d be so wise. Pete probably wouldn’t even want to kiss him. Why would he? Patrick is still impossibly fat and disgusting. Just because Pete’s become his friend by some miracle, Patrick knows not to push his luck. He’s lucky Pete still even tolerates him, he wouldn’t dare try to push it any further.
It’s mid-winter just after school has started up again after Christmas break when Pete notices how thin Patrick looks. He may only be sixteen, but he knows what too small is. He doesn’t know when Patrick started disappearing in front of his eyes, but it seems he has. But Patrick is going to be eighteen in a couple months, so he doesn’t know if he should say something to Patrick or let Patrick handle it himself.
More times than he’d care to admit, he finds his mind going back to that day in the lunch line when Patrick had only gotten a water. He doesn’t know why; it’s a very insignificant detail, but Pete can’t seem to forget about it.
“Let’s go get some pizza, babe,” he suggests to Patrick one day when they’re driving home from school.
“Can’t, Mom’s making a big dinner tonight,” the lie still falls from Patrick’s mouth just as easy as it always has.
Before Patrick can even protest, Pete has his phone out and is dialing Patricia’s number. Patrick doesn’t realize what he’s doing until Pete’s talking and by then it’s too late. “Patricia? Hey, it’s Pete. Can I steal Patrick for dinner tonight?” he pauses and Patrick knows his mom is asking a question by the way Pete answers with an almost sharp no, then he says, “Oh, good. I’ll have him home at a decent hour, I swear. Yeah, love you too, bye.” Patrick isn’t too sure when he and Pete started saying love you at the end of phone calls with not only each other but also each other’s families, but it had somehow happened.
“You’re mine for the night,” Pete tells him.
“Aren’t I always?” Patrick sighs. He’s trying desperately to appear calm, but he’s freaking out on the inside. Pizza is so greasy and fat and has so many calories and Patrick could probably cry right then and there. He doesn’t though, just tries to keep his sighing to a minimum. What he hates the most about this is he knows he’s going to have to throw up. He tries to avoid throwing up at all costs because he hates the way it tastes, but he knows he’ll have to.
When they get to the pizza parlor, Patrick waits until Pete’s at least half way through his food before he even touches the huge slice Pete got for him. He eats it slowly, making sure he finishes when Pete does. After that, he doesn’t give Pete much time before getting up and suggesting they go back to Pete’s, knowing that his mom and sisters are at his. He doesn’t like the fact that he’s going to purge in Pete’s home ― it’d be much easier to be caught ― but he convinces himself that with only Pete’s mom downstairs, it’ll be easier to get away with it.
He waits until they’re in Pete’s room before saying he’ll be right back, he has got to use the bathroom. He goes to the one in Pete’s room rather than the one in the hall. He knows it’s a very bad idea because his bathroom door doesn’t haven’t a lock, but he doesn’t care because he just needs to get the pizza out of him before he bursts into tears.
Patrick knows he can’t stay in here long or be loud because Pete will hear and get concerned because that’s just how Pete is. Patrick also thinks Pete won’t really approve of his diet. So Patrick shuts the door, and gets on his knees in front of the toilet in Pete’s bathroom in his bedroom, hoping and praying that he can be quiet enough and that Pete won’t notice. He should be able to be quiet enough ― he has been doing this for a few years now.
The truth is this: Patrick eats enough to remain somewhat healthy. He’s not in shape or strong and he doesn’t have that great of an immune system, but he still tries to keep up with his one meal a day. It’s not a big meal, and it’s usually as “healthy” as he can make it, but he eats. He really hates that lightheaded feeling he gets when he doesn’t eat for a couple days. He doesn’t really snack so much anymore, but he does drink water often and keeps up his one meal a day. The only reason he was freaking out over the pizza was because it’s a greasy food and Patrick would never have eaten that on his own. He’ll tell Pete he’s hungry in a bit and maybe make a smoothie or something to hold him over.
Patrick places his finger in his throat and stokes it, urging the pizza to come back up. His gags aren’t loud and he hopes they stay that way. Just as he knows it’s all about to come up, he accidently pushes his finger too far back and he’s already cursing himself before he even finishes the loud gagging sound. His eyes are tearing up now and fuck wasn’t he past this by now?
“Patrick?” Pete’s at the door, because of course he is, knocking.
“Yeah, I’m good, I’ll be out in a couple minutes,” Patrick doesn’t think his voice sounds nearly as strong as he would like it to sound.
Pete hears the strain in his voice and pushes the door open. He doesn’t really know what to think when he sees Patrick on the bathroom floor, holding the side of the toilet with his finger just barely out of his mouth. He knows what this is, god he knows, but he’s in too much shock to actually put the proper pieces together in his mind. Instead, without saying a word, he drops onto the floor with Patrick and pulls him to him. He sits there for a moment with his arms around Patrick before saying anything.
“Why?”
It’s one word, one syllable, one of the first words you learn as a child. And that simple three letter word has the power to completely break Patrick. Maybe it’s not just the word, maybe it’s the combination of the word with Pete’s arms around him like he’s trying to save him and how broken Pete sounded.
Patrick doesn’t answer for a minute, because really, what do you say to that? He tries for the reason he gives himself: “I’m just on a diet, Petey,” he says, making sure to add Pete’s nickname at the end to maybe lighten up the mood.
It doesn’t work. “This is not a diet, darling.” He sounds so sad and really, Patrick never wants to hear him sounding this shattered again.
Patrick looks up and tries to smile when he says, “If you’re going to leave, please go now. Please, don’t sit here and make me think you care if you’re just going to get up and go. I’m a big boy; I can handle it.” Patrick’s voice sounds soft and quiet but the message gets across.
Pete’s eyes are the most dejected that Patrick has ever seen them but they’re also so filled with what Patrick can only connect with love even though he knows that’s not what it is.
“I’m never going to leave you. Patrick, I’m kind of in love with you. I don’t think I could leave you even if I wanted.”
Patrick knows Pete isn’t in love with him. He knows that Pete is just saying that, but the thought of him actually meaning it is bringing tears to Patrick’s eyes. He shakes his head though, telling Pete he knows he doesn’t mean that.
“Of course I do. I always have been. To be honest, I don’t know if there will ever be a time when I don’t love you, Patrick. You’re everything to me. You have been since that first day we bumped into each other in the halls.”
And so they share their first kiss sitting on Pete’s bathroom floor and Patrick forgets all about the pizza he never got to throw up.
Over the next year, with the help of Elisa and a few of their other friends ― Brendon, Joe, and Andy ― Pete convinces Patrick to go to a mental wellness facility to try to get help. As much as he would like to, Pete knows he doesn’t know enough to help Patrick. He hates it but he knows it’s what’s best. Patrick’s mother cries, and Pete cries, and their friends cry. Patrick tells Pete everything and Pete has no idea how he could have been so blind to not have noticed how long the boy he’s in love with wasn’t eating. He thinks if anyone should have noticed, it should have been him.
Even after Patrick gets out five months later, he refuses to say the terms anorexia or eating disorder. He knows that’s what it’s called, but he hates how it makes him sound so weak. Instead, he says Ana. He talks about what Ana was convincing him to do, how he thought Ana was just trying to help him, but she really just wanted to kill him.
He thinks he understands and they’ve got him eating more. It’s not how much Pete can eat, but he’s getting there. Ana still tries to talk to him, but he ignores her for the most part. He relapses a few times but that’s to be expected. He sees a therapist, too. Her name is Dr. Bogan but he just calls her Heather. He quite likes her if he’s honest. She helps him accept himself in ways he never knew he could.
It’s when Pete is nineteen and Patrick’s twenty-one that he’s pretty much back to how he should be. He’s eating full meals, three times a day, and he’s feeling much more confident. Pete has stuck by his side through it all and his mother has been pestering him lately about when they’re going to get married. Patrick doesn’t really know if that’s what Pete wants but he knows he sure would like that.
There’s still times when he feels worthless. Pete always notices though and he makes sure to tell him that he’s the most wonderful thing in the world and the best thing that’s ever happened to him and that he loves him. Patrick loves Pete a lot too, so much that he doesn’t know if anyone else in the world loves anyone else as much as he loves Pete.
Heather tells Patrick that he doesn’t need to see her as often anymore. He has to come in next week to wrap things up, then he won’t have to come in again for a few months. He’s really happy about this but also really sad because he’s almost scared of being normal. Heather assures him it will all be okay and he believes her for the most part.
Patrick and Pete’s three year anniversary is the day after tomorrow. Patrick knows Pete’s been planning this big thing with Elisa and Brendon and Andy and Joe, but for the life of him, Patrick has no idea what it could possibly be.
Turns out, Pete’s rented out an entire restaurant. Patrick doesn’t know how he can afford this ― it’s a nice restaurant. He did though and they have dinner on the patio in the back, looking out to a garden. There’s white fairy lights strung up everywhere and candles and it’s cheesy and perfect and Patrick wants to cry from pure bliss.
He’s not really expecting it to happen. He doesn’t know what to expect when Pete pulls him up towards the end of their meal and makes Patrick look at the garden. Patrick’s leaning on the rail and Pete has his arms wrapped around Patrick from behind and his chin is resting on Patrick’s shoulder.
“I love you so much,” Pete whispers and Patrick smiles and says he loves him too, so Pete continues. “Remember when I first talked to you in the lunch line? And you just had a water and I wondered why but I didn’t say anything because I was just glad to be talking to you. And then when we spent that summer together. The first one. Remember? And remember when I asked you if being fourteen was too young to know if you liked boys? I just wanted you to say it wasn’t because I knew I liked boys ― or at least I liked you ― and I really wanted to spend all my life with you. And then when I found you in the bathroom that day ―” Patrick tenses up just slightly but Pete continues anyway “― I was just so scared that you were going to die. I was so scared, Patrick. You were everything to me. You still are. All I could think was ‘If he dies, he won’t get to be mine for always.’ And I couldn’t have that. You’re supposed to be my forever. I still want that, even more so now. So, Patrick Martin Stump,” Pete paused there and spun Patrick around and reached inside his pocket while getting down on one knee. “I would really like you to be mine for always. And I think we’ve already done the first step to that, which is getting together, so, uhm, will you take the next step to being mine for always and marry me? Please?”
Patrick’s crying and he almost wonders if Pete means all that. He just nods and wipes his tears away and he smiles at Pete and he knows for a fact that no one has ever loved anyone as much as he loves Pete.
Pete slides the ring on his finger and Patrick makes a sound that almost sounds like a sob before Pete stands and kisses him. Patrick kisses him back for a moment before pulling away.
“I think I always knew I was going to be yours for always from the very first time I saw you,” he tells Pete and kisses him again.