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20th January 1020
Dear diary,
As you know, I have since long resisted my most important and closest adversary on Earth, the demon Crowley. Now I think I’ve found a way to turn his own evil plans against him!
You see, he’s been trying to tempt me with something he calls the Arrangement (yes, he does indeed somehow pronounce the capital letter with his demonic tongue). It’s a simple principle: if a temptation and a blessing were to be scheduled in the same place on Earth, it would save resources if only one of us travelled there, to do both.
Ludicrous, of course. I would never even discuss such a thing, as I told him many times over a serving of ale.
However it suddenly occurred to me that this could be my chance to outsmart him. It’s an ineffable way to trick the demon into doing good deeds!
I tested out my theory on a small scale today. That is to say, I allowed him to help an old lady cross the dirt road while I was finishing my meal – letting a well cooked fish grow cold is, after all, a sin of sorts, though they ran out of enough papyrus scrolls to include it in the Bible. Diary, you should have seen the look on his face when Crowley came back right as I was cleaning my fingers. I think my suspicions were correct. He does enjoy doing good!
I will, of course, take no pleasure when it’s my turn to do evil.
21st January 1020
Diary, what shall I wear to do evil?
22nd January 1020
As you know, dear diary, I do from time to time enjoy a little bit of theatre. And since I will be taking my first steps into doing “demonic deeds” on the side while performing blessings, I spent the entire day secretly investigating Crowley’s wardrobe to prepare for roleplay.
You see, Crowley always dresses a particular way for temptations. Devilishly tight clothing, and I haven’t even mentioned, and barely ever thought about, the things he does with his hips.
Very inspiring.
23rd January 1020
Crowley walked in on me practising the hips thing today, but I managed to turn it into “a sudden bout of vertigo” and he helped me to a nearby hay bale. It was rather nice.
18th April 1020
Some may think I look like I still live in the 900s, but diary, I can be “fashionable” and “sharp” and “fair” like that serpentine Crowley.
As a pure being of light and wisdom, I had never even considered showing off my legs, although, if you think about it, isn’t it really about showing off the Lord’s creation?
Anyway, I am delighted to announce that after a small cross-continental shopping spree, I am finally ready for my first temptation! Keeping my flaming outfits at the ready. I’m sure it can happen any day now.
18th April 1029
Diary, I’ve been waiting for my first temptation for nearly ten years. And I do not like to be in debt to a demon. I considered pushing an old lady into the street to restore balance, but I settled on sending a messenger out to fetch Crowley instead.
“What’s next on the demonic agenda?” I asked when he arrived.
He looked remarkably handsome, so I knew he’d been busy.
“So eager, angel?” he said as if he was triumphing over me, but of course, he does not know I am playing a “long game” of making him do good deeds. “Is the holy path getting a little boring?”
“No,” I said, tucking away a card game I’d left on the table. “Tell me, where do you want me?”
I even lowered my voice seductively, as extra practise. I think I am very good at being Crowley.
I saw something dark in the demon’s eyes, and it wasn’t just the sunglasses. Then he said: “Mac Bethad Mac Findlaech.”
Just showing off his language skills, really.
“Oh, word on the marketplace is Macbeth will become the stuff of legend! What do you want me to do with that Scottish chap?” I replied, and there it was, that darkness again.
Oh, diary. All I did was promise Macbeth an ounce of success and fortune. I do hope nothing (too) bad comes of it.
3rd March 1147
Crowley agreed we should stick to rather small temptations in the (relative) beginning of our Arrangement, while we find our footing. Soon, therefore, I found myself joining the Second Crusade.
We were both ordered to go by our respective bosses but Crowley stayed home. I was ready to tempt! And bless, of course. Blessing was most definitely my priority.
However, I’m not entirely sure I did anything. The humans already seemed to have figured it all out by the time I arrived.
When I came back and told Crowley, he merely shrugged and miracled some blood stains away from my gown.
“Come here, angel,” he said, pulling me close to his chest. “The humans beat you to it, huh?”
I nodded, finding no pleasure at all in being in his arms.
“No worries, I’ll report it to Hell as my success anyway.”
“But that’s lying!” I felt obliged to point out. I’m an angel, after all. I pout in the face of dishonesty.
“I bet if you play your cards right, you can get a commendation from Heaven for the Crusades, too,” Crowley said.
I felt affronted, but diary, I was so tired, and his arms were deceptively strong, I don’t think fighting him would have been the smartest path. As one says, choose your battles. And I’d had enough of those for a while.
There is a time and a place to wrestle your demons.
I want it to be very clear, though. I take no joy whatsoever in tempting.
18th November 1206
Diary, I’m a master temptress! Tempter?
I paid a visit to a man named Genghis Khan. Obviously Crowley didn’t want to go because of all the horseriding.
My task was simple. I had to convince many a lovely lady that Genghis Khan is so attractive, such a catch, so impressive a man, musicians will be inspired by him for many years to come. I won the trust of women easily. For some reason they find me very non-threatening to be around.
Angels, let it be noted, are supremely good wingmen.
I’m not entirely sure what the point of it all was, except that lust is a sin, of course. When I debriefed later with Crowley, he simply said: “Just wait until paternity tests are invented.”
16th January 1308
It occurred to me that I’ve been doing so much tempting that I now have an enormous amount of influence over my hereditary enemy to do good.
“Crowley,” I said, “would you be so kind as to bless my Italian poet friend, Dante Alighieri?”
“Never,” he said, and started arranging his travels.
19th November 1308
Today Crowley brought back an exciting new book for me called “The divine comedy”, though I do not see what could be comedic about Heaven and Hell.
12th August 1490
Diary, I’ve been worrying that perhaps in certain rare moments, I have been a tad naive. How am I to be certain that a demon actually does my bidding?
That’s why I shrewdly and secretly followed Crowley when it was his turn on the Arrangement. He looked dangerously dapper. Almost dressed for only a temptation, and not a blessing.
This time, I had sent him on his way to bless some missionaries. And I do have to admit, I have no complaints about his missionary style.
On the way back I ran into my friend Leonardo da Vinci, who told me he was working on something called a “Vitruvian man”. That reminded me of Crowley, and when I spoke of him, Leonardo was so genuinely interested I showed him a few of my sketches.
31 October 1517
I tempted a priest named Martin Luther to nail 95 complaints to the door of a Church.
Well, it could have been 100 but that felt like a bit much. I didn’t want Luther to appear desperate.
3rd January 1521
Luther has been excommunicated by the pope. I fear I might be a little bit too good at this tempting business.
Concern got the best of me, so I asked Crowley to check my wings for dark feathers. He laughed, but when he realised how serious I was, he spent an entire afternoon making sure each one of my feathers was spotless and arranged neatly.
His hands were very soft for a demon’s. I knew for certain: I need to keep my enemy close.
18th November 1601
I spent three cold and rainy weeks in Edinburgh to perform several blessings and to tempt a clan leader to steal some cattle. When I came back, Crowley took me to a performance of a new play called “Hamlet”. It was outstanding. And the play was good, too.
14th February 1653
Crowley invited me to admire the completion of a blessing I asked him to do many years ago. Well, you know how it goes with building plans. In fact, the long duration might make one suspect he demonic miracled very liberally on the side, too.
However, I must admit, she is a beauty: the Taj Mahal.
“These gardens are especially gorgeous,” I told Crowley, who was glowing.
“It was built for love,” he said, as if I didn’t know. Silly demon.
I’m happy to report that my plan to make Crowley like doing good, is going well.
2nd September 1666
Diary, London is on fire!
6th September 1666
Now that I’ve recovered from the initial shock, and the last flames have been put out, let me set the record straight. It wasn’t entirely my fault.
How was I supposed to know that a small temptation at a bakery on Pudding Lane would result in such a catastrophe?
Crowley lifted me in his arms – he is pretty fireproof – and carried me to safety.
He assured me that the fire broke out many, many hours after my visit, and that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. This would surely inspire better safety practices. And he said that it in fact helped get rid of the Great Plague which had been ravaging London since last year, something he swears he had nothing to do with.
Then I got distracted by his hair. He’s been growing it longer again, you see. I had to card my fingers through it to make sure the fire hadn’t damaged it.
16th December 1773
Well, diary. Crowley sent me to a ‘tea party’ in Boston but it wasn’t as pleasant as one would expect.
13th March 1781
I sent Crowley to bless a scientist named William Herschel. The man was going to discover a planet. All very exciting!
However when he came back, Crowley admitted to putting certain shenanigans in motion.
Diary, the planet will be named ‘Uranus’.
“Technically I didn’t breach the terms of the Arrangement with Uranus”, Crowley said.
Did I forgive him? Forgiveness is a virtue. But Uranus is very serious.
I made him buy me dinner first.
1st January 1804
Thanks to a blessing from Crowley, Haiti has declared independence from French rule. This is looking to be a great year. I am starting to suspect we might be allowed to show ankle soon, too.
11th July 1804
I arranged a duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr, which Crowley assured me would have butterfly-effect-like evil consequences a couple of hundred years from now.
I didn’t stick around for the outcome of the duel, since I had to hurry across the city for a dinner reservation Crowley had made for me. To celebrate the Arrangement. We’ve saved many a travel expense!
10th April 1912
I fear we’ve mixed up our travel itineraries, because somehow Crowley and I found ourselves taking the same ship. Oh well. We’ll make the best of it. His hair looked so lovely, he can even make the scruffy look of a Third Class passenger work well for him. I, of course, got myself a First Class ticket but I’m sure I can lure him to the saloon deck from time to time. I hear the food’s rather exquisite on the Titanic.
14th April 1912
Oh dear.
14th November 1913
I have started wearing this new clothing brand called Prada for temptations.
28th June 1914
Goodness gracious. During a temptation, I accidentally shot a man named Franz Ferdinand. He was being rather rude about Crowley.
I hope nothing bad comes of it.
20th July 1969
Since he asked nicely — well, non-rudely — I allowed Crowley to bless the moon landing. We watched it on the new television set in my bookshop, which was a gift from Crowley.
“That giant leap for mankind stuff?” Crowley said, touching my arm. “Stolen from me, that bastard. I should sue. Copyright claims are one of my inventions.”
He sounded grumpy, but I know him. I took off his sunglasses so he couldn’t hide his excitement so easily.
Oh, diary. I know for certain: he loves doing good deeds! While I, of course, loathe doing evil. That reminds me, I need to order some more Prada clothing. I saw a sale on.
27th July 1987
I forgot whether Rick Astley was supposed to be a curse or a blessing, so I did both just to be sure. He dedicated a song to me!
9th November 1988
Dear diary,
I was just about to go off to do another temptation (as I very reluctantly do from time to time, just to comply with the rules of the Arrangement) when Crowley entered the bookshop and screamed upon seeing me.
“Oh, it’s you,” he said, swallowing hard. “Thought it was a burglar.”
“It is I,” I confirmed. Very rude! This isn’t how I’m used to him greeting me. Depending on the mores of the time, a kiss on the cheek or a handshake is more common than a frightened scream.
“Why are you dressed like that?” Crowley asked rather stiffly.
I didn’t understand why his tone had to be so pointed. All I do is dress and act exactly like him, using every weapon in my… what’s that place called where weapons are kept? Right. Books.
“Well, I am simply dressing the part,” I told him in a tone very dignified for someone wearing a sheer lace top.
“The part?” he repeated.
I pointed helpfully at my jeans: “Oooh look at me! I’m a demon! I tempt people! I refuse to let my legs breathe!”
“Gnk”, he said, looking me up and down. And down and up. And up and down again. “Right, I’m just not sure this is…”
I looked at him sharply, and he changed course.
“I mean, you look great, obviously, that needn’t be said,” and diary, it did need to be said.
I crossed my arms, feeling quite like a fish caught in my own net, while he took a moment to think.
“But wouldn’t it be more helpful for the temptation if you dressed like an angel, so people thought they were doing good?” Crowley said.
“That’s just evil!” I said, but I realised immediately that I would not sway him with that argument.
“Just dress your usual self, angel, that’s tempting enough, trust me.” He sighed. “We’re sending them to Hell, not Superhell.”
“There’s a Superhell?”, I asked, flexing my arms to see how far the fabric would stretch.
“I think I’m in it”, Crowley mumbled, but diary, it didn’t sound like he was complaining at all.
Then he took me by the elbow.
“Can I tempt you to not tempt today, angel? Let’s go out for a meal instead,” Crowley said, smiling. “My treat. And no, you don’t have to change.”
Oh dear. I thought, but did not dare say out loud, that knowing him is both a temptation and a blessing.