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It had been a week and Akito was still embarrassed about crying like a baby in front of his friends over a nightmare.
He'd normally have been more calm, but sleep deprivation had ended up getting to him more than he thought it would. (Hell, he'd even collapsed!) However, it'd had one good effect on him--he'd finally realized then that he wasn't as okay as he'd believed.
He'd apologized over and over again for freaking out, but they'd somehow managed to calm him down and get him to talk about what was bothering him. It had felt strangely good to actually talk to them instead of brushing them off again, and he realized with a bit of shame that he had been in danger of falling back into his old habits. Thankfully, they understood and promised to help him.
He was convinced that his friends and family all knew magic, because once they'd officially realized his problem, they sprang into action with such efficiency it surprised him. His mother devoted herself to looking up solutions online and carefully researching different medicines in hopes of finding something that would help him sleep a little deeper. Toya and the girls began taking turns sleeping over every couple of days when they could make it (his mother was always delighted to have any of them over and eagerly helped them set out the guest mattress no matter how difficult it was) in case he needed reassurance upon waking up. Even Ena started leaving her door open every night even when she was on a call (making a visible effort to keep her voice down, too) and often quietly checked up on him during the night.
A part of his mind felt surprised that they were taking such care to help him work through his annoying problem. The rest of his mind scoffed and reminded itself that of course they were, they cared for him. It was a nice feeling, even if it still felt slightly uncomfortable.
The dreams still continued, even though they were slightly less intense, and he still felt embarrassed about abruptly waking up his friends in the middle of the night, but every time he apologized An smacked his arm and reminded him that they had willingly volunteered. Kohane was always sweet about it, offering him a hug and some water whenever he woke up out of nowhere. He was especially grateful for Toya, who often sat with him and talked or sang in his gentle voice to try and calm him down. While they were still hard to deal with, handling his nightmares was definitely easier when his friends were beside him.
They were still definitely a problem, though.
“—Akito, are you alright?”
Akito awoke with a start at the sound of Toya’s voice directly over his head, dragging his mind out of the panicked haze it had been drowning in. He blinked a few times, finally registering the fact that he was on the floor and his boyfriend was leaning over him, looking concerned. “…Sorry. Did I wake you up?”
Toya frowned. “Akito, you know that’s not what I’m worried about right now.”
“I know, I know.” Akito let him pull him off the ground and to his feet, guiding them both into a sitting position on his bed. “Did you have another nightmare?” Toya asked, gently holding his hands.
Akito shrugged. “‘M not sure. Did it seem obvious?”
Toya’s mouth quirked slightly. “Well, you did fall off of your bed.”
“My bad.”
Toya sighed, staring down at their hands. “Akito…it’s been two weeks since you’ve told us. Have they gotten any better since we started sleeping over?”
“Yeah, a little,” Akito reassured him. “They've started happening every couple of days instead of every night, and they're not as vivid as they used to be. And I’m not so hysterical once I wake up. Doesn’t mean they’re not eating away at my sleep schedule, though.”
“Akito, love…maybe you should see a doctor.”
Akito snorted. “What can a doctor do about dreams?”
“Maybe not much, but they can at least help you figure out what’s wrong with you and why you’re having dreams like this out of nowhere. I have a feeling the news about Nagi-san might be the cause, but do you think there’s something else?”
Akito was quiet as he considered it carefully. He had a good feeling that as traumatic as the experience had been, the incident with Taiga wasn’t all that had fueled his sudden nightmares about his own death.
It might even be connected to…
…Maybe I should talk about that with them, he suddenly realized.
Akito had long since left his middle school self behind, determined to keep growing until he’d completely scrubbed the failure at CRAWL GREEN from his record. However, in light of recent events, maybe that hadn’t been for the best.
While I no longer feel the same way I did back then…
…coupled with Nagi-san’s death, it’s probably the reason why I’m having these dreams all of a sudden.
I'm not really sure I should mention anything, though...that was a long time ago. And it's not like I did anything--it was just wishful thinking.
...But it wouldn't be right to hold it from them.
Wow, I've really changed, haven't I? A couple years I would've died rather than rely on anybody.
...They really mean the world to me, huh.
"Akito?"
"Oh." Right--he had zoned out while talking to Toya. No wonder he sounded worried. "Sorry, Toya. I was just thinking."
"About what?" Toya asked.
"...It's complicated. Too complicated to talk about tonight. Can we go back to sleep?"
Toya frowned at him, and he raised his hand to placate him. "Toya, I swear I'm not just brushing you off like I used to. I'm genuinely too tired to think about it right now, so I want to wait until we can all tackle it together. Besides, it's 2 am. We need to go to bed."
"If you say so," Toya said at last, but he didn't look convinced. "Just remember we're always here to listen." He took Akito's hands in his own, offering him a smile. "I'm here."
Akito smiled back, glad that he could finally appreciate his friends' help without trying to fend them off. "I know. I promise, I'm not planning on hiding much else from you guys for much longer. Now you should go back to bed."
"Okay." Toya planted a kiss on his hands before releasing them, sliding off of the bed and back onto the spare mattress. "Good night, Akito."
"G'night, Toya."
Akito turned off the light and flopped back onto bed, holding in a sigh. I don't want to worry them, but I don't know how they'll react.
...God, I don't even think Ena knows. I was really bad at talking to people back then.
But things are different now.
He had a team full of close friends who he knew would support him no matter what, as well as a loving boyfriend and a stand-in father figure (although he refused to tell Ken that.) Heck, he had a whole pocket dimension with six people who were literally always available if he needed to chat with someone to keep from going insane. He wasn't as alone as he was in middle school, or as he'd believed he'd been back then.
...Maybe I can actually do this.
MEIKO wasn't always up so late at night, but the sound of the cafe bell ringing had woken her up. She'd quickly hurried out of her comfy bed and made her way to the kitchen, a little wary. Who could that be?
...It must be one of the kids. But who?
She stepped out into to see Akito sitting at the table nearest to the door, staring at his hands. He looked up as she entered the room, easing down into the chair beside him. "Akito-kun, is something wrong? It's not like you to visit this late."
"...Oh. Did I wake you up, MEIKO-san?"
Akito's voice was slightly heavy. MEIKO patted him on the back, trying for a smile. "Yes, but it's okay. Is everything alright?"
Akito sighed, slumping back in his chair. "Had 'nother bad dream," he mumbled. "None of them could make it tonight, and even Ena's asleep because her group published their new song, so I came here to try and cool off."
"I'm sorry. Would you like to talk about it?" she offered.
He shrugged helplessly. "I don't even remember it. Which is an improvement, I guess, but...I can't stop waking up."
MEIKO bit her lip. The four had visited the SEKAI recently to explain the situation to the Virtual Singers, and Rin and Len had immediately rushed to hug Akito when they heard about how bad his nightmares had gotten. He had looked terrible, too--eyes sunken, face pale--and she had been relieved to hear that they were trying to figure out how to help him. However, even their best had limits.
"You were thinking the cause might be that woman's death, right? Nagi-san's?" MEIKO asked.
Akito's gaze flitted nervously away from her, settling onto the table. "Yeah."
"...Is there something else?"
"Maybe? I don't know. I'm still working it out," Akito said with a sigh. "All I know is I'm exhausted. I can't keep doing this every night or it's going to hurt my health."
"Would you like some chamomile tea?" MEIKO asked gently. "It should help you calm down and get better sleep."
"Yeah, that sounds nice. Thank you, MEIKO-san."
"Don't worry about it. Just make sure you head back to bed soon," MEIKO ordered, rising to her feet and making her way towards the kitchen.
"I will."
MEIKO let the tea steep for a few minutes before bringing it to him, simply sitting quietly with him as he drank it. Once 15 or so minutes had passed since she'd been woken up he left, and MEIKO cleaned the table up after him with a sigh. I hope he can start feeling better soon...
"Hey, An."
"Oh, good morning, Akito!" An greeted happily, her face lighting up at the sight of him. She beamed as he sat down beside her, propping her chin up on her hands. "What's up? Did you wanna talk about something?"
"Yeah. Do you wanna hold a sleepover at your house?"
She stared at him. "What?"
"You can say no if you don't to bother Ken-san and Yuka-san," he added quickly. "I just thought it would be a nice change of--"
"Of course!" she cried, slamming her hands on his desk. Her face was inches from his, leaning closer with every question. "When? What day? What are you gonna bring? Should I ask Mom to--"
"Whoa, whoa, calm down," he said hastily, gently pushing her shoulder away. She sat back down, eyes sparkling. "I don't know when yet. We'd have to ask Kohane and Toya what they think, and we'd have to make sure your parents are fine with four teenagers at their house instead of just one. And it would have to be on a weekend, so it'd be okay to stay up a little later."
"There's no way my parents would say no," she snorted. "And Kohane and Toya will most likely just say yes, you know."
"I know, but we still need to plan. There's no need to be impulsive."
"Fine," she sighed as the bell rang and their teacher entered the classroom, closing the door behind him. "We can all talk about it after practice, 'kay?"
"Sure."
An managed to restrain herself all throughout practice. However, she literally rushed to tell Kohane, Toya and Ken about Akito's suggestion once they were all in the car again en route to the live house they were performing at that day, waving her arms around as she eagerly explained the details. Ken considered it as they pulled into the parking lot nearest to the venue, parking and turning off the car. "It doesn't sound like a problem to me provided it doesn't happen tonight," he said thoughtfully. "I'd have to ask Yuka what she thinks, of course, but I don't think she'll be too bothered. She's actually been excited for An to bring all of her friends and not just Kohane," he teased, nudging his daughter's shoulder as Kohane blushed.
An let out a sheepish laugh, scratching her head. "Hahaha...well, it's true she's been eager to meet Akito and Toya."
"Yuka-san sounds very nice from what you've mentioned about her before," Toya chimed in. "I would like to meet her, too."
"So is it a plan?" An asked hopefully.
"I imagine my dad won't be too worried," Kohane said. She giggled ruefully. "He was pretty shocked the first time I asked to sleep over at Shinonome-kun's house, though. No offense, Shinonome-kun, but I think you make my dad anxious."
"I imagine it's the piercings," An said mischievously, swatting the small chain danging from his left ear. "How many do you even have, three?"
"Cut that out," Akito snapped, smacking her hand away. "And yes, but I had a few more that closed up a couple years ago."
"No way. Where were they?" she demanded, stopping in her tracks and staring intensely at his ears.
"Can you not stop walking right in front of me? We're still on the road, An."
"Okay," she sighed, falling in beside him again. "Seriously though, where were they?"
He tapped his bottom lip with a grin. Her jaw dropped. "Wow! You really pierced your lip?!"
"Yep. In two places."
"I didn't know that," Toya said, sounding awed.
"It had already closed up by the time I met you," Akito explained. "I lost one of the piercings I bought for it, and after that I stopped caring about keeping them open, so they just naturally closed. I think I also pierced my nose at some point."
"Wow," Kohane said, apparently at a loss for words. "Shinonome-kun, that's a lot of piercings. I'm glad you didn't have that many when you met my dad, or I don't think he would have let me keep singing with you."
"Isn't that a bit of an exaggeration?"
"Come to think of it, it's probably why Toya's dad doesn't like you either," An chimed in. "You look like the stereotypical bad boy. He probably thinks you're gonna rub off on Toya."
"I always thought Akito's piercings and hair were cool, but I never would've had the courage to do it myself," Toya said thoughtfully. "I can see why he would be worried, though. Akito really does look like a rebel."
"Can we talk about something other than why everyone's dads don't like me?" Akito muttered.
"My dad likes you!"
"Thanks, An."
"We're here," Ken called from the head of the group, clearly holding back a laugh.
Akito stretched as they entered the venue, enjoying how the music from the group currently singing reverberated off of the walls. "Alright, let's head backstage."
They waited for about 15 minutes before their turn, just sitting and casually talking while they passed the time. Akito zoned out for a few minutes, turning the sleepover idea over in his head. It'd be a nice chance to talk to them for real.
Not that we haven't been able to spend any time together, but we've mostly been focused on practice for the past few months.
...Either way, it'll be a good experience.
"Akito? Heeeeeey, Earth to Akito!"
"Huh?" He snapped out of his thoughts, blinking at An as she waved her hand in front of his face. She looked a little concerned. "What's wrong?"
"We've been calling your name for a little bit now," she answered, sitting back. "Dad says we're on soon. You okay?"
"Yeah. Just thinking," he reassured her.
"Shinonome-kun, I don't really think you're intimidating or anything," Kohane said earnestly, leaning forward. "I was mostly joking."
Akito laughed, reaching over and playfully pulling her cap over her face. "I know, 'Hane, don't worry. That's not what I was thinking about."
"I'm glad to hear it," she replied with a giggle, fixing her cap. "Come on, it sounds like they're done. Let's head out onstage."
"Alright."
The event passed in a blur, and before he knew it he was back in the car amid the evening darkness. Ken had started cutting their practice sessions shorter out of concern for Akito, who was still suffering from lack of sleep (he'd almost called him 'Dad' when he first told them and had just barely restrained himself, sure the consequences would be dire.) Completely wiped out after performing, An snored away in the passenger seat. Kohane and Toya were fast asleep as well beside each other in the backseat. Akito stared out the window of the chair behind An's, watching the skyscrapers of Tokyo as the road wound past them.
"Akito, are you alright? You've been pretty thoughtful all day long."
Ken glanced at him through the rear view mirror, worry creasing his brow. "Are your dreams keeping you up still?"
"Huh? No. I mean, they are," Akito corrected himself. "Just a little. But that's not what I was thinking about."
"What's up, then? I'll hear you out if you want."
Akito fell silent, playing his jacket zipper. "...Say, hypothetically, if one of your friends told you that they used to...um, feel depressed, how would you handle it?"
Ken was quiet for a moment. "Are you talking about someone else, or...?"
Akito sighed. "I'm talking about myself."
"...How depressed?"
"Well, I never got an official diagnosis because I didn't tell anyone, but I used to think things like 'it'd be nice if I just disappeared,' or 'maybe no one wants me around anyway,'" Akito answered. "I never...attempted or anything, but I didn't stop thinking things like that for a long time."
He could barely remember the cesspool of time that was middle school anymore, but between CRAWL GREEN, the situation with his sister and their dad, and a lack of people to talk to, he'd spent a lot of his life wishing he could just vanish off the face of the planet. The feelings had subsided slightly when he'd received that important talk from Ken, but they'd crept back when he'd partnered up with Toya and realized the gap between their levels of talent. They had continued to tug at him even after they became friends again, because by then he had teamed up with An and Kohane as well. Their talent stretched skyward, while his was still so considerably less it drained him to think of trying to reach their level. Thoughts like I bet I'm just in the way and I wonder if they'd be better if I didn't exist revolved around his head. He'd felt like he was spinning out of control when he'd impulsively challenged Arata to that battle, and if not for the three of them, he had a feeling he would've felt worse as time went on.
All in all, he was glad for his team.
"...That's a lot to take in, Akito."
Ken's voice sounded calm, but his hands were clenched tightly around the steering wheel. "When was the last time you felt something like that?"
"I'm not sure. I didn't even know for a long time that it wasn't normal," Akito admitted. "But I did notice feeling better after they saved me back when I challenged Tono. Which meant I noticed when I felt worse again after the incident with Taiga-san."
He took a deep breath. "I didn't want to tell anyone because the feeling passed after a little bit, but I think it's the reason I'm having such bad dreams. I used to fantasize about my own death even while telling myself I couldn't afford to give up...I guess my mind still remembers."
Silence reigned for a few minutes. Ken finally sighed, sounding exhausted. "I'm glad you told me."
He glanced back up at him again through the rear view mirror. "Is that everything?"
"...Yeah."
"I'm sorry. I wish I had noticed," Ken said a few moments later. "I spent the last couple of years watching over the four of you, but..."
"Don't worry about it. I don't even think my family realized," Akito reassured him. "I never did anything, which meant I was pretty good at hiding it."
"...I'm glad to hear that. If something had happened to you because we couldn't tell..." Ken trailed off, fixing his gaze back on the road. "Well, I suppose there's no point in worrying about what-ifs. Just try and talk to us more whenever you feel things like that."
"I'll try."
Silence fell over the car once more as they drove through the streets of Shibuya, lights still glowing even at night.
"Alright, here's your house, Akito."
"Thanks for the ride, Ken-san," Akito said gratefully as he climbed out of the car. "Be careful driving back."
"I will. Make sure you get some rest," Ken ordered, leaning out of the window to fix him with a stern stare. "We'll see you tomorrow."
"Good night."
Ken rolled the window back up, glancing at him one last time before pulling backwards out of the driveway. Akito opened the front door to his house and stepped inside, removing his shoes and making his way towards the stairs. "I'm home," he called as he peered around the hallway corner.
"Welcome back, Akito," his mother greeted, standing up from where she'd been sitting with a book on the couch. "Do you need anything?"
"No, thanks. I appreciate it, though," he replied. "Good night."
"Good night, sweetheart."
He headed up the stairs to his room, making sure to keep it down as he passed Ena's room. Akito closed his bedroom door and proceeded to flop onto bed with a sigh, burying his face in the pillow. I feel bad for Ken-san.
...But I'm glad I told him.
His eyes were almost drifting shut when he remembered that he was still in his day clothes. He dragged himself off the bed again with a sigh and went to change, mentally preparing himself for the night ahead. I wonder if the dreams will start getting better if I talk to them more?
"Alright, it's time for our sleepover!" An cheered, practically skipping towards the car. "Ohh, I can't wait! I'm so excited!"
"Try to cool it, An," Akito muttered as he slid into his seat.
"Ehh--? But it's our first big, group sleepover! Shouldn't you be a little excited?"
"Yeah, I guess. But you're still too hyper," he chided, uncomfortably aware of how close they were to the time he'd planned to talk to them. I can't back out of it now.
If I want to really move on, then I need to face it with them.
"Are you alright, Shinonome-kun?" Kohane asked, tilting her head. "You look a little tense."
"No worries. I'm just thinking."
Toya gave him that look again (he felt bad, but he didn't want to spring it on them at the wrong time) but said nothing, opting instead to ask An what her plans for the night were. She gleefully answered, telling him all about the karaoke machine she'd hooked up in her room for the night. "My room is soundproof 'cause I sometimes practice there, so it's A-okay!" she reassured, giving him a thumbs-up. "We might try changing things up a little tonight."
"Oh?" Akito asked, raising one of his eyebrows.
She grinned mischievously, leaning forward. "You. Me. Gimme x Gimme. First one to back out has to buy the other a drink tomorrow."
Akito groaned inwardly. He really needed to stop accepting her challenges...but it wouldn't hurt to have a little bit of fun.
"Alright. You're on."
"Don't want to go home, but I have to"
"Because he comes home, maybe next time"
"I can't believe you sang the entire thing," Akito muttered, setting the mic down. "Do you have any shame?"
"Um, no," An retorted, striking a pose. He couldn't help but laugh as she grinned cheekily. "And I could say the same about you! Does it count as quitting if he sounded bored the entire time?" she asked suddenly, whirling around to look at Kohane and Toya.
"I don't think so," Kohane replied. "I mean, even you--"
"What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of me hugging you~"
"Wha--An-chan! You can't just hug me to escape!" Kohane giggled, playfully pushing her back. "Aoyagi-kun, do you want to sing with me?"
Toya visibly perked up. Akito could practically see him wagging an imaginary tail. "Yes, I do. Thank you, Azusawa."
"Ooh, sounds interesting," An said, dropping back onto her bed. "Akito, wanna go again?"
"No, thanks. I might go with Kohane if she feels like it, though."
"Really? I don't mind that!"
"I guess that just leaves me and Toya, then!" An chirped.
"Ready, Aoyagi-kun?" Kohane asked, finger hovering over the play button.
Toya nodded, his expression comically serious. "Yes."
Kohane smiled before pressing play. The intro started, and Akito watched in interest as his partner sang alongside Kohane for once. Despite the heavy nature of the lyrics (they'd chosen Junky Night Town Orchestra) both were smiling widely, and An's grin was just as big. They look so happy.
...If I tell them, won't it ruin that?
That there was a chance they might've never met me?
That I might've given up before they'd even started?
...It's worse to hold it from them, I know.
But a part of me is still worried.
"A-KI-TO!"
He nearly toppled off his chair at the sound of An yelling directly in his ear. "Agh! What the hell?!"
She crossed her arms, scowling. "You're zoning out again," she said accusingly.
"Oh...my bad. What'd you need?"
"I was just telling you that me and Toya's turn is coming up," she replied. "Toya, are you ready?"
"Yes. I picked out the song, if you don't mind."
"Sure thing! Let's get started!"
Akito was slightly surprised to hear the intro for Dawn and Fireflies playing, but he supposed it was a nice break from the music they'd been playing up 'til then. No wonder Toya's dad doesn't like me, he thought with a sigh. I make his son sing about drugs and other rebellious topics. I wouldn't like me either.
...But wow, his voice is so pretty.
And he looks so peaceful while singing, too...like he's really breathing at last.
...If it weren't for me, would he have managed to get this far?
Probably not.
Akito felt oddly content as he watched them sing.
"Shinonome-kun, do you want to sing now?" Kohane asked hopefully. "I figured we had time for one more song before we sat back down for the rest of the night."
"Sure. Do you have a song picked out?"
He paused slightly at her choice. "Are you sure? This one's pretty tricky to sing."
"Um...I thought I might try singing a little bit lower," she mumbled, clearly a little embarrassed. "I can change it if you want."
"Nah, that's fine."
He grinned to himself. If she's changing it up a bit, maybe I should, too.
He took a deep breath as the intro played, mic held tight in his hands. He sang the first words at a pitch higher than what he normally sang at, and he could see An's jaw drop from the bed. Kohane quickly followed up, singing at a lower tone than usual. An's entire face turned bright red, and she began eagerly bouncing up and down as they continued. He couldn't see Toya from where he was out, but he could feel him staring at him in awe. Akito felt his neck prickling uncomfortably at the sensation, but pretended like he didn't feel it.
"If I jumped into the core
"I'd vanish, like I'd gone to sleep," Kohane sang, her voice soft and vulnerable.
"A morning without me would perfect"
Akito heard the faint tremble in his voice as the words settled against his skin. It had been a long time since the little voice in his head--the sad, lonely little voice--had whispered such an honest wish.
But it was no longer true.
"All the gears meshing together--that's how the world would be"
He held the last note alongside his friend, letting it trail off as the song ended at last. An's whoop broke the silence that followed as she rushed over to hug Kohane, happily squeezing her cheek for some reason. "Kohane, you sounded awesome! You gotta sing lower like that more often!"
"An-cha, I can't--p-pwease le' go of m' face," Kohane mumbled, tugging weakly on her wrist.
"Noooooo! You're precious and have to treated as such!" An protested. She finally released her face before turning around to Akito, beaming. "Dude, what was that?! I was expecting you to just sing like normal!"
"I thought it'd be fun to try something new out for a change," Akito replied with a shrug. "Did it sound okay?"
"Akito, you sounded amazing!" Toya said, jumping to his feet. His eyes were sparkling. "I've only heard you sing like that a few times, like when we perform Kashika. It was beautiful."
"Shinonome-kun, he's right. That was great," Kohane added eagerly. "I loved singing with you."
"And to think you sounded terrible just a few minutes ago," An joked, playfully punching him on the shoulder. "I couldn't even believe you were the same singer!"
Akito couldn't help but be stunned at their praise. They genuinely think I'm good.
I always knew they'd be on my side no matter what I tried to convince myself of, but...
...I made the right choice all those years ago.
"Shinonome-kun? Are you still listening?"
"Akito, is everything alright?"
Akito snapped back to reality to see three concerned faces were staring at him. "Huh?"
"You just got kinda quiet," An said. "You were smiling, but you looked...sad, I think."
"...Oh." I guess some of my thoughts showed on my face.
"...Can we sit down? There's something I wanted to talk to the three of you about."
"Of course," Toya replied, easing down onto the floor as Kohane joined An on the bed. Akito sat down beside his boyfriend, fiddling with the drawstring of his pants. "Okay...do you guys remember when I challenged Tono and lost?"
"You bet we do!" An exclaimed. "You were impossible to talk to 'cause you kept avoiding us and practicing by yourself. It was really upsetting to watch, especially when we learned that stuff like that had been happening for years while you sang with Toya."
"I couldn't believe that when I heard it," Toya murmured. "When Mita-san told us you'd been dealing with their insults and harassment since even before we met...I was stunned."
"Why are you bringing it up, though?" Kohane asked, her brow furrowing. "Does it have to with what you've been thinking about for a couple days now?"
"Yeah, it does. I actually talked to Ken-san about it the other night, but..." Akito took a deep breath. "I used to be...passively suicidal, I guess."
Silence fell over the room as his friends traded shocked glances. "...What?" Toya said softly.
"It was a long time ago," Akito quickly reassured him. "But...well, I already told you about CRAWL GREEN, right? I was going through a lot back then, and messing up there was just kind of the last straw. I never made any plans or attempted, but I would...wish to be dead? I'm not sure how to say it," he said with a sigh. "I had no one to talk to about it, and as time went on and I ended up teaming up with the three of you, I kept quietly thinking that things would be nicer if I didn't exist. I managed to keep going on by reminding myself that I still hadn't reached my goal, but if you hadn't all come after me that night, I...I think I would've gotten worse until I finally gave up."
"Shinonome-kun..." Kohane covered her mouth, eyes sparkling with faint tears. "I had no idea."
"Yeah." An's expression was pained. "Akito, if we'd known, we--"
"It's okay. Don't worry about it," he said firmly. "Like I said, it was a long time ago. I just wanted to tell the three of you because...well, I think after hearing about Nagi-san's death it kinda manifested in my dreams. While it seems weird to say, I'm almost relieved to have them, because..." He paused, trying to figure out how best to say it. "If I'm scared of them, it means that I don't want to die anymore. Because I've found a life worth staying in, I guess."
"...I see."
Toya's eyes were sad, but he leaned against Akito's shoulder with a sigh. "I'm glad you told us, but I wish we'd noticed."
"I never told anyone because I never did anything," Akito explained. "...But it was pretty difficult to handle by myself. I know I don't always express it well, but I'm really glad you guys are here."
"...Whoa," An murmured. "I...it's no problem, Akito."
"Same," Kohane said with a nod. "I'm just glad I could be your friend, Shinonome-kun."
"I'm glad we were able to get through to you that day," Toya said at last. "I couldn't bear the thought of losing you, Akito."
"Group hug?" Akito offered.
"Group hug," An agreed, and they willingly moved in.
Akito relaxed slightly, feeling warm and safe inside his friends' embrace. Even if everyone else was against me...
...I know these guys would always have my back.
"...I wish we'd all met a bit sooner," Kohane said quietly as they finally released each other and sat back again.
He couldn't help but snort. "Forget sooner. I wish we'd met in a better way."
An let out a rueful laugh. "Ah, yeah. You were quite the asshole back then, huh..."
What the heck was up with my brain back then anyway? I convinced myself I had enough high ground to bully Kohane even while believing I was trash.
Sheesh. I don't get this contradiction at all.
"It was pretty rough," Kohane admitted.
"Yeah. I can't help but respect you for becoming friends with someone as scary as me."
She blushed. "Shinonome-kun, I didn't really mean--oh, forget it."
He grinned as An rolled her eyes. "Why do we put up with you again?"
She frowned, suddenly looking guilty. "I mean--sorry, that sounded mean."
"An, don't worry about it. I'm not so insecure I'll take your pettiness as an actual jab."
"Oh, thank goodness. Wait, pettiness?" she said indignantly.
Toya chuckled slightly, a small smile spreading across his face. "I guess that means you really are okay."
"Yep. I swear, you don't have anything to worry about. I just wanted you guys to know."
"I'm glad you trusted us enough to tell us, Shinonome-kun," Kohane said happily. "I promise, I'll never stop being your friend."
"Me neither! Even when you act like an asshole, you're still our teammate. We're never gonna stop loving you," An promised with a friendly punch to his shoulder. "Got that?"
"Yeah, yeah," he said, rolling his eyes as he affectionately punched her back.
He leaned into Toya, smiling. "I'm glad I could tell you guys."
"Me too."
Toya began gently playing with his hair, gently tucking it behind his ears, and Akito had to fight to keep his eyes open. "Are you doing that on purpose?" he muttered.
He heard him chuckle slightly. "Maybe."
An yawned. "We should probably head to bed soon."
"Alright," Akito agreed.
His boyfriend planted a small kiss on the top of his head. "I'll get the mattresses set up. Azusawa, are you alright?"
"My bed's big and comfy!" An offered. "It's the perfect size for two people...if a CERTAIN girl wanted to sleep there, too, I wouldn't mind at ALL."
"If you really don't mind, then I'll sleep there, too," Kohane said with a giggle.
"Yay!" An rolled off the bed and rushed to grab her girlfriend's wrist, tugging her into bed. Kohane shrieked as she was buried under the massive coverlet. "An-chan!"
"You're my prisoner now~" An sang, her voice muffled. "Cuddle me or I'll die, Kohane!"
"I can't breathe," Kohane laughed, wriggling out from under the blanket.
"Noooooo, come back," An whined, wrapping her arms around her.
"So needy."
"I don't want to hear that from you!"
"Aoyagi-kun, can you get the lights?" Kohane asked as she gave up and let An snuggle up against her like a damned koala.
"Sure. Akito, I set up your bed."
"Thanks."
Akito settled down, pulling his blanket over himself as Toya turned off the lights. His footsteps creaked across the room towards his own bed, eventually silencing as he lay down as well. A few minutes later An's snores were already filling the room. "Geez, she's as loud as ever," Akito muttered, half to himself.
"...Hey, Akito."
"Yeah?"
"Did you really never...well, never try to...?"
Toya's voice was quieter than usual, almost more timid. Akito felt a pang of guilt--telling them had been hard, but he'd decided he needed to do it.
...However, answering his question was slightly difficult.
"I really never did. There was one night where that might've changed, though."
He heard a rustling sound and turned his head. Toya had turned over until he was facing him. "Can you tell me about it?"
Akito sighed, turning onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. "I don't remember when it was exactly. I just know I was having a really bad night. My head wouldn't shut up, and I was working myself up to the point where I almost had a panic attack. After a few hours of that I abruptly decided that I wanted to go for a walk way after midnight."
"...Oh."
"Yeah. I wasn't thinking clearly, I was...just so frustrated and exhausted. I was halfway out the door when I got a text from you."
Toya was quiet for a second. "Wait, I remember that," he said at last. "That was a few months into our friendship. I remember waking up feeling confused because I'd had some kind of bad dream, I think. I don't remember what happened, but I texted you in a panic just to make sure you were okay. I was pretty surprised when you responded almost immediately."
Akito laughed. "Whatever it was, I'm pretty sure that saved me from doing something stupid. I just went back inside and went back to sleep."
"That's a relief to hear. You didn't say anything about it the next day, so I was curious as to what had happened. But I'm glad I could help you, even if it was just a little bit."
"...Me too."
A few minutes passed, and soon Toya's quiet breathing had joined the girls'. Akito turned over again and stared at the three of them, just watching them sleep. I might've lost the chance to become friends with them.
I'm so grateful Toya texted me that night, even if nothing would've ultimately happened.
...The present I see is everything to me...
He chuckled to himself. Exactly.
I'm glad I never gave this up, no matter how hard it got.