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Dalam dakapan senja
Ku renungi sinar matamu
Berat rasa melepaskan
Dikau pergi
- Kali Terakhir Ku Lihat Wajahmu (Uji Rashid) -
The walk to Azam's icu room on that day was strangely longer than usual. Fakhri picked up his pace yet it was like the hospital hallway was stretched to an endless doors after doors after doors—
At last, he arrived.
Fakhri went in, right foot first because Azam said entering a room using right foot would bring luck. Fakhri wished with his right foot, he could conjure all the luck in this world so that Azam would heal completely.
Though the room felt unfamiliar to Fakhri, in that hospital bed is a soul that had been woven into his own. Azam was all wired up with an oxygen mask, multiple needles in his hands for IV drip and other machines to support him that were arranged at the other side of Azam; near the sidewall where only doctors and nurses ever walked there.
Most heart wrenching of all was the slow beeping of Azam's heart monitor.
Fakhri braced himself and walked further into the room. "Azam." He whispered, carefully dragging a chair to sit beside Azam's bed.
Azam opened his eyes slowly, blinking. Slow but alive. The heavy weight on Fakhri's chest from when he parked his motorbike to when he walked through the long hallway, lifted. He reached Azam's cold hand that used to be warm in his hold, gently gripping on it. Cold weak thumb brushed on the back of Fakhri's hand.
"Fa...khri." Azam rasped. Puff of breath coloured his oxygen mask and his heart monitor rate increased, the beep went faster.
"Happy ke aku datang?" Fakhri mustered up a smile.
Azam nodded, very slow. He shouldn't move too much. The wires around him moved along to the little bob. Fakhri tried to not linger his eyes on the bandage wrapped around Azam's head. The injury was starting to heal, Fakhri had heard the doctor tell Azam's father several days ago. However, Azam's spine was not doing too well, same goes for his ruptured kidneys and ribs and lungs.
"Aku pun happy dapat tengok kau." Fakhri kept his small smile.
He leaned over to untangle two wires that were on the other side of Azam; not sure whether the wires were for the dialysis machine or the ventilator. There were too many and Fakhri blinked back a tear. Too soon to cry. Azam wouldn't want him to cry after all.
"Azam dah makan?"
Azam let out a small no. His voice cracked. In the back of Fakhri's mind Azam's once loud chatty voice played like a fleeting dream. He would do anything to hear that melodious voice again— singing him to sleep, nagging him to tidy up his room and most of all, Fakhri craved Azam's sweet whispers, telling love words only for him.
Fakhri cleared his throat. He sniffled, just realizing his eyes were watery as well as his nose.
"Aku bagi kau makan ye." He said. "Tunggu jap tau, aku pergi jumpa parents kau dulu." Though he said that, Fakhri waited for a couple more minutes, staring at Azam, observing how his chest went up and down as his eyes stared back at Fakhri.
In the evening amber glow that softly shone upon Azam’s face, Fakhri took in the view and savoured Azam’s long lashes that brushed his skin as he blinked. Azam still shone the brightest in the room even when he was not in the pink like he used to be. Time slowed to a calm stillness. Somehow his legs felt too heavy to leave the room, to leave Azam.
"Tunggu tau, Zam." Fakhri said again as if Azam would have gone anywhere else with all those wires around him.
Fakhri made a quick walk to the hospital's canteen to meet Azam's parents. Once there, he greeted them, shaking and kissed their hands with the same amount of familial love he had for his own parents.
Azam had been in the hospital for 5 to 6 months now. Each time Fakhri visited Azam he would meet his parents and greet them. At first, Fakhri could see Azam's parents were skeptical of him but as time went by, they were now treating him like their child. They even trusted Fakhri to look after Azam when they went back to Sarawak for a couple of weeks.
Azam's parents had tried to request for him to be transferred to Sarawak, but the request was denied. The hospital said Azam was not in the right condition to be transferred yet. Hence, they made an effort to go to and fro between Sarawak and Kuala Lumpur. Fakhri's stepfather contributed a lot for the expenses of Azam's hospital bill and his parents' hotel charges.
Observing the adults around him giving hands and doing whatever they can for Azam made Fakhri feel small. If it wasn't for his anger, if he held back and didn't feed on his ego that night, Azam wouldn't be all wired up in the icu room.
"Lah, kamu datang rupanya hari ni," Azam's mother said, tapping the back of Fakhri's hand that she was still holding even after Fakhri had finished shaking hands with her.
"Bukan patutnya kamu kerja ke sekarang?" Azam's father asked, ushering Fakhri to sit down.
Fakhri politely rejected. He shook his head as Azam's mother finally released his hand. "Saya ambik cuti hari ni. Rasa macam nak berhenti dulu la. Nak fokus sekolah."
"Pakcik setuju sangat dengan keputusan kamu tu." Azam's father patted Fakhri's back.
Fakhri was no longer in Kudrat. He was expelled along with few others who were involved in the big fight that night. Naim and Amirr were the two people he knew who didn't get any penalty from the school. Kahar landed the biggest damage of all. He served a three-year sentence in a juvenile detention centre alongside Hakeem who pleaded guilty at the moment Kahar's sentence was confirmed. They were both convicted of juvenile drug possession.
Fakhri had tried to forget everything that happened on that cursed night. Yet, it kept coming back, flashing through his eyes whenever he saw Azam in the icu room.
He blinked when Azam's mother called him. Then, quickly smiled, burying the tragedy deep to the back of his mind.
"Baguslah kamu berhenti." Azam's mother said. "Tahun depan SPM. Lebih baik fokus belajar. Duit tu boleh cari bila-bila." Then, she asked, "dah pergi jumpa Azam ke?"
"Oh ye, dah." Fakhri replied, "ni yang nak bagitahu, saya bagi Azam makan ye. Dia cakap dia belum makan lagi."
Azam's father beamed, "oh okay, okay. Sekarang ni pun memang dah masa untuk dia makan. Kamu tahu kan tempat susu dengan ubat dia?"
"Tahu. Dalam locker bawah dekat sebelah katil."
The couple gave him a yes.
Azam was sleeping when Fakhri returned. He didn't even wake up as Fakhri rummaged through his locker for his nutrition milk and his medicines. Azam usually trained his eyes on Fakhri whenever Fakhri moved around him. He would tap his fingers and give a small smile all the while Fakhri prepped for his meal or his bath.
Yet now, Azam was still not showing any movement.
Fakhri glanced at Azam again. His eyes looked heavy. Although Azam's whole body was weak, his eyes never looked like that; half-lidded and tired. Fakhri focused on the beep of Azam's heart monitor. It was slower than the time he first entered the room earlier. Fakhri's hands began to shake. He tried his best to keep his hold steady on the feeding tube as he poured the milk into it.
His vision blurred.
"Azam makan sampai habis dulu," he choked out as he listened to the beep gradually turned slower and slower. "Tunggu ayah dengan ibu kau, kejap lagi dorang datang."
Fakhri bit back a sob.
He saw Azam blinking his heavy eyes. A single tear fell, slipping sideways. Azam moved a finger and Fakhri quickly put down the syringe for Azam's milk and sat beside him, taking his hand into his. It had become even colder than before.
"Fa...khri," Azam breathed. He blinked another tear. It took another whole minute for Azam to rasp, "Terima kasih… sayang... Fakhri."
"Azam, azam," Fakhri wiped his blurry eyes, shaking his head, "nanti- jangan pergi-"
"Fa- khri..."
"Azam, nanti— tunggu kejap-"
Loud choking sobs filled the room as Fakhri brushed Azam's hand. Why wouldn't it turn warm at all? He blinked his eyes, wiping it rapidly so that he could see Azam's face without the blurriness of his own tears.
"Azam tunggu dulu," Fakhri choked. "Ayah dengan ibu kau— bagi dorang jumpa kau-"
Azam's parents came into the room, all smiling but when they saw Fakhri ugly sobbing beside Azam and the faint beep of the heart monitor, Azam's mother cried right then and there. Azam's father moved fast to press the button on top of Azam's headboard to alert the doctors and nurses.
Everything happened all at once.
Doctors and nurses came rushing in, Fakhri was pulled away as well as Azam's mother. He stood back, watching the white clothes staff hovering over Azam and listened to Azam's father comforting his wife and suddenly Fakhri went blank.
The long flat beep dimmed out every noise in the room. His vision became more blurred than ever before and he tried to wipe it again and again, still he only saw blur line after line. He wanted to see Azam; he needed to see him.
For one last time.
"Azam bin Anyau, waktu meninggal 7:25 petang."
Fakhri's legs knocked the floor. Every breath in him stopped. Never before had Fakhri noticed how time was just like water; that it can pass slowly, a drop at time, even freeze and rush by a blink. Azam was gone in an instant and Fakhri felt there was nothing more for him at that moment. Nothing to need feeding, nothing to be touched, to love— nothing to have needed anything at all.
---
Three years had passed. For the first year, Fakhri felt empty. He didn't talk, didn't laugh, only smiled when he played the one single voicemail from Azam in his phone which Azam had made when Fakhri was back in his Mama's home.
"Fakhri, Fakhri, hi buat apa tu?"
Fakhri played the voicemail again. Even after three years he felt empty. Nothing changed. Fakhri didn't continue his studies. After SPM he told his father he was going to work and yes he did. He worked as a delivery boy for a pizza franchise and made minimum wage every year.
Like a sick track, he played the voicemail once more.
"Fakhri, Fakhri, hi buat apa tu?"
"Hi, Azam. Aku tak buat apa. Kau buat apa?" Fakhri felt a sob at the back of his throat but nothing came out.
Lately, he couldn't find himself crying anymore. The need to cry was there yet no tears spilled at all. So, just like yesterday and the days before yesterday, he sat on his bed, listening to Azam's voice, repeating the same question to him.
"Fakhri, Fakhri, hi buat apa tu?"
Fakhri put aside his phone. Even if he played the voicemail until his phone broke, the ache in Fakhri wouldn't disappear. He walked to his wardrobe and pulled out Kudrat's uniform that was hung neatly compared to the other clothes.
Azam's school uniform.
The first time Azam's mother gave him the uniform there was still Azam's lingering perfume on it. Sweet floral, soft yet vibrant like Azam. He said once to Fakhri, he hated men’s perfume but this one floral perfume would forever be his favourite. And just like that it had become Fakhri's favourite too.
Fakhri laid the uniform on his bed before spraying some of Azam's favourite perfume on it that he always made sure to buy every six months. The uniform looked crisp and soft; Fakhri wouldn't need to iron it today, maybe next week he would.
"Aku rindu kau, Azam." Fakhri said to the empty room.
Of course, no usual "Kau ingat aku tak rindu?" being asked back to him. He closed his eyes and saw Azam's smile that was starting to get blurry over the years. He only had one Azam's picture in his possession. He put it under his bed so that it would be easy for him to take it out and looked at it before he slept.
Fakhri was going to do that but it was still early for him to sleep. 7:25 pm. A time which he wished he could skip. Fakhri rubbed his eyes, still no tears left in him, only numbness.
He sat beside Azam's uniform and pulled out a letter in its patch pocket.
It was Azam's letter which he wrote for Fakhri. Azam's mother had given him the letter along with the uniform, saying that giving these two things to Fakhri was the last thing she wanted to do in this world. Fakhri didn't understand at first. But when she told Fakhri about Azam's request to give him both of the items only after he was gone, he finally understood. No mother wished for her child's death.
And no lover wished for his lover’s death too.
Fakhri hadn't read the letter yet. He couldn't bring himself to. Opening the envelope was by far the furthest that he ever did to the letter. Now, he broke the record by pulling the paper out and unfolding it. He couldn’t read it yet. His hands trembled too much for him to read Azam's writing.
He wiped his eyes. A gasp came out, realizing he was crying after so long.
Fakhri,
Hi buat apa tu? Mesti lama kau simpan surat ni baru kau nak baca kan? Takpe Fakhri, aku faham. Aku pun akan buat benda yang sama macam kau, kalau kau yang pergi. Aku minta maaf sebab tak dapat nak sama-sama dengan kau. Aku harap kau tak marah aku. Kalau marah pun, jangan lama sangat. Kalau sedih pun sama. Kesian orang sekeliling kau nanti. Kau ingat senang nak pujuk kau?
Fakhri,
Teruskan hidup ye. Walaupun Azam tak ada depan Fakhri, tapi Azam akan selalu ada dengan Fakhri... dalam hati Fakhri. Banyak janji Azam dengan Fakhri yang Azam tak dapat nak tunaikan. Sambung belajar sama-sama, kerja sama-sama, beli kereta, beli rumah, bercuti luar negara... Azam minta maaf, Fakhri. Tapi Fakhri teruskanlah hidup. Jangan tunggu Azam lagi. Fakhri kena kuat. Untuk Azam, Fakhri kena kuat.
Terima kasih, sayang. Kita jumpa nanti ye.
The letter crunched under his thumb. Tears after tears made a wet pattern on the paper, smudging the ink on some of the words. Fakhri let go of the letter and pulled the uniform into his embrace. He lay down on the bed, curling into the uniform, feeling the soft empty fabric that was once filled with Azam's warm body.
And that was once, when Fakhri hugged, another arm would hug him back.
---
Another three years had passed. Fakhri was now buried in his assignments, meeting deadlines after deadlines. He didn't expect being a university student would be this busy. Well, he should have expected it since Naim endlessly gave him advice about university life. Naim's friend (Fakhri doubted they were just friends) Amirr also left him some tips on public transport and time management.
Amirr was also the one who helped him to fill his UPU form alongside Naim, of course. His worrywart brother wouldn't stop babbling, reminding Fakhri to make the right choice or he would regret everything in the future. Fakhri could only smile when Amirr ushered Naim to the kitchen since he couldn't keep his mouth shut.
He applied for the university that he and Azam had promised to enroll together. Still fresh in his mind, Azam said he would choose between counselling or science courses. So Fakhri chose pharmaceutical science since he wasn't sure if he could ace counselling. Azam would, Fakhri thought. University life was going just fine for him. He joined some projects, and at the moment, he was a backstage member for a traditional dances competition which he knew Azam would join if he was still here.
Everything he did in his life would bring him back to Azam. He continued to live just like how Azam wanted him to. All of it, all the things he did would always be for Azam.