Archive of Our Own

WARNER 

I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling. Dog is asleep next to me. I don't want to admit how attached I've grown to him. 

I can't stop thinking. Everything is overwhelming right now. 

I can't help but think of how nobody loves me. Nobody will love me. 

I'm unlovable. My dad is proof of that. 

Not even my own dad loved me. 

He's dead now, it doesn't matter. 

I remember my conversation with Ella earlier. 

We were both angry. And we say things we don't mean when we are angry but the way she said it felt desperate and real. Like she meant it.

I hate myself. I realised. I have always hated myself. 

I walk to Ella and see her face plastered with bruises, fortunately, this time she wasn't shot. She was publicly talking to a crowd and got injured, again. 

I'm tired of her getting injured. I just want her to be safe. I want her in my arms. I know she is capable of taking care of herself. I know she is strong. But my heart is breaking each time I see her hurt. 

"You can't keep doing this, Ella. Everytime you do, you get hurt." I explain and I see her bite her lip. Her eyebrows furrowed. 

I gently reach a hand up to her face. She flinches.  

I retract my hand. 

"Sweetheart, I know your more than capable. You are the definition of powerful but it hurts me to see you hurt. You have to understand, Ella." I say, I sound frustrated.

I feel emotions flow out of her. 

Anger is the main one I notice. 

Anger at who?

At me. 

It wasn't a question. 

"Love-" I want to say something else but I get cut off.

"Warner, I can't do this right now. So just leave me alone for once. Back the hell off. Nobody asked you for your opinion. I know you think you care for me but if you did you would let me do what I want. I ha- I can't do this." She says. She says in such a rough tone that I back off. I step back. 

I am a stubborn person, but she is more stubborn than me and my heart burns. Not with passion or desire. With pain. Tainted pain. 

And I'm back to being 15 years old, unwanted and crying in my bed. Lonely. 

Why am I so alone? 

She walks away and away and away. She doesn't look back. Doesn't try to retract what has been said. 

What was she trying to say? 

That she hates me? I hated myself first. That I'm unwanted? I didn't want myself either. I didn't want to be in this stupid body either. 

She called me Warner. 

Not Aaron. 

Warner. 

I can't breathe. I can't speak. I claw at my neck in attempt to breathe. I can't. 

And there I am on the ground like a spineless monster. I am a monster. 

I will always be a monster. I will always be the boy my father raised me to be. 

I can't breathe. 

I will always be a mistake. 

I look stupid. So stupid. So weak. So helpless. 

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. 

I yell in my head. It echoes, echoes and flies away. Nothing catches it. It floats away and will float forever. 

I can't breathe. 

So I lay there, I take in my weakness and turn it into strength. I will go through this by myself so no one else will have to see the atrocity that is me. 

I am an atrocity. 

I hate myself. 

I can't breathe. 

I'm a mess, on the ground of our house. Hyperventilating. Or am I even breathing? Am I already dead? 

Sometimes I wish I was dead. I see doves flying and I think maybe I could be one of those birds. Fly away with freedom. 

I miss my mother. 

I wonder that if when I see those doves, my mother is there, watching me. Is she proud? No she's probably disgusted. 

I laid there, crying like a little baby. Are you a baby, Aaron? No, so get the fuck up.

I heard my father say. 

I think I sat there for hours with having troubles breathing. I couldn't stand up or walk to grab my pills. My medication. 

So I had to get through it myself. 

I hate myself. 

I'm back on my bed. Dog has woken up and he's whimpering. 

I think he senses my distress. 

I let out the smallest of smiles for the dog I have grown fond of. 

His tail starts swinging back and forwards. 

He's excited. 

He gets onto my chest and I rub his hair. He rolls around. 

"You know dog, I think you're the only person who cares about me." I say, and he starts jumping I grab him and hug him. 

It was quite unusual for me to act like that but he made me soft. 

I want to cry all of a sudden. 

I am crying, I realise. 

I didn't know I was crying until I felt dog lick my tears.

I grimace at the feeling and try to push him off but I stop when I notice that maybe I need this comfort. 

And so I cry. I cry and let a dog comfort me because there's no one else to do it. 

I feel him reach up a paw to wipe my tears. 

I let out a smile. 

"Thank you." Is all I say to dog before I stand up, wipe my tears aggressively and go to the training room.

We have a training room in our house because I personally requested it. 

Here I can let out some steam. 

I punch and punch at a punching bag. I then start punching a brick wall for some stupid reason.

I want the pain. 

So I punch and put pressure and break my hand. I punch until blood is dripping to the floor. I punch until my heart is almost out of my chest.

I stop punching. 

I stumble back onto to the floor and stare numbly into it. 

I hate myself. 

I'm a terrible husband, friend- am I even a friend. Do I even have friends? 

I scoff in the back of my head. 

I stare. I stare until I blink and my eyes get watery. 

I don't cry this time. I don't want to cry anymore.

I start punching again until blood is filling the floor. 

There's a pool at my feet. I don't feel the pain. So I continue to punch.

I punch and the wall is painted with blood. 

Everything is red. 

I don't try to heal myself with my powers. 

I sit down onto the floor, it is surprisingly quiet in this room. 

There is nobody in it, idiot. 

I lean back against the wall. 

I look at my hands and I don't feel a single thing. 

I hate myself. 

I sit here with an emotionless expression on my face. 

Blood pooling at my feet. 

I don't care. 

I don't wanna live. 

I feel dizzy, probably from blood loss. 

And so I get up and back into my bed. 

(I showered before. It burned. I enjoyed it)

I'm back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling uselessly. 

Why am I so useless?

What am I even doing in my life?

Where is Ella?

Is she okay?

I go to the bathroom and stare at myself.

I don't recognise this person.

I hate this person. 

Cheeks to hallow. I feel like a ghost. 

I roam around people and nobody sees me. 

I haven't been eating recently. I have been neglecting myself of my basic needs because without Ella, I cannot function. 

I am broken without her.

I walk out of the bathroom.

The doorbell rings.

I don't wanna open it. I don't wanna socialize. 

I let out a sigh and walk towards the door. 

I hesitate for a few seconds before opening it. 

Great. 

It's Kenji, just what I needed. 

I roll my eyes and shut the door in his face.

No wonder nobody likes you, a voice in my head says. 

Shut up, I reply. 

He rings the doorbell again, again and again. 

I groan and open the door.

"What do you want!?" I exclaim and stare at him dead in the eye. 

He looks at me and then down to my hands. I forgot to bandage them.

Well, too late now. 

"Holy shit man! What the fuck happened?" He yells and I cover my ears.

"Kishimoto, quiet down." I grit out and he closes his mouth. 

"Where's J?" He asks and I look down at the floor for a second. 

"I don't know." The words come out of my mouth before I could even think about it.

You are a bad husband, another voice in my head says.

I know, I respond.

He squints his eyes.

"What do you mean you don't know, bro- what is going on?" He asks and I don't have an answer.

I press the heel of my hands into his eyes. 

"We had an argument." I state and he just stares at me, blinking. 

"Okay...well can you fix what you did?" Kishimoto questions and I glare at him.

As usual, I'm the problem.

"I guess." I mutter. Which is very unlike me. 

He feels concerned. I can't tell if its for Ella or for me. 

I don't care. 

I hate the pity.

"Bye now." I say with false enthusiasm and shut the door on his face. 

I let out a sigh and grip my hair, stressed. 

I seriously can't do this anymore. 

When is Ella coming home?

ELLA/JULIETTE

I leave the house in anger. I didn't mean the words I said. They slipped out of my mouth. 

I love him, I really do, but sometimes he can be overbearing.

I'm walking around the neighbourhood, I'll probably be gone for a long time. 

I don't want to talk or see anyone right now. 

I go to the beach and sit there, thinking of what I said. 

Warner, I can't do this right now. So just leave me alone for once. Back the hell off. Nobody asked you for your opinion. I know you think you care for me but if you did you would let me do what I want. I ha- I can't do this. 

I called him Warner.

Seeing the pained look on his face hurt me. It hurt me more knowing I'm the reason he had that look of pain. 

I frown, staring into the beach. Its like I could see its soul, blue and salty. 

Next thing I know the sun turns into the moon and its nighttime.

I don't want to get up. 

I don't want to see how Aaron has beat himself up over what I have said. 

I didn't think such words could come out of my mouth. Not to him atleast. 

I sigh and get up. 

My face is swollen and I probably look quite unattractive. 

I touch my face and hiss. 

"Ow-" I say and retract my hand immediantly. 

I make my way to our house.

I miss dog. 

He was mostly around Aaron, strangely enough. That dog loves him. 

I see our house in the distance and almost turn around.

Am I ready to confront him? I hate how he doesn't defend himself when somebody is judging him. 

I walk until I reach our door. 

I let out a shaky breath. 

Ding Dong. 

The door opens and there I see a disheveled Aaron.

He looks tired. His eyebags are a deep purple and his face is just generally more tired. 

I move my eyes down and see his hands, he's hiding them. 

I furrow my brows. 

He notices my movement but doesn't move or say anything, he just let's me in. 

I step in and he shuts the door. 

I turn to talk to him but gasp when I see his hands. 

He uncovered them. They looked infected, his arm also looks broken. 

I breathe out. 

"Aaron, sweetheart, what happened?" I say and step closer to him. I grab his hands oh so gently and caress them.

His expression stays in its emotionless form. 

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier, I didn't mean it. You are the only person I wish to be around. I love you so much." I emphasise. 

I grab the back of his neck and pull him closer. I rub it softly and look into his eyes. 

"I love you, Aaron." I whisper and kiss him lightly on the lips. It felt like an angels kiss. Everybody viewed him as the devil but he's an angel in my heart. He saved me. 

I see his shield falter, dim away. 

I see the pain in his eyes. 

I see him. 

"I love you too." He murmurs and I smile. 

"Let's go treat these wounds." I suggest and he nods. I grab his waist and pull him towards the bathroom.

"You know I can do this myself, right love?" He says and I shrug. 

"You know I don't care, right Aaron?" I mimick and he let's out a small grin. 

I grab the disinfectant and place it all over his hands. 

God what did he do to himself? 

I kiss his knuckles softly. 

"A kiss always heals an injury." I state and he narrows his eyes at me. 

"Actually your kisses are the only ones that heal me." He says and I smirk. 

"Good." I respond.

I put bandages over his hands and pull him closer. 

"I don't want us to ever be apart for stupid reasons again. My love for you is bigger than anything. Please don't leave me." I beg and Aaron shakes his head.

"I won't ever, love. I promise." 

We laid there in the bathroom, talking about anything in the world. It felt like it was just us in the world. 

Just us. Ella and Aaron. Forever.