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Shuuichi was sitting on a couch in a room across from another, older man that goes by Samuel Collins. Mr. Collins is Shuuichi’s therapist and this is their first session that they are having together. It took about a month but Shuuichi was able to finally find a therapist that can help him with his exact issues. Mr. Collins sat across from him in an armchair with a clipboard in one hand and a pen in the other. The two of them were looking at one another. Shuuchi was also a bit nervous on the inside and the therapist could see this coming from him.
"no need to be nervous, Mr. Shindou. It is only the two of us in here. No one will know what we are going to be talking about."
"S-sorry. I just never have done this before."
"It is fine. Take your time."
Still, they needed to do the session for the next hour and Shuuichi may be nervous but was also ready to do this.
“So, what would you like and/or here to see me for? What has been troubling you Mr. Shindou??”
Shuuichi let out a sigh before he spoke.
“Well, I have some trauma-related issues due to an ex-boyfriend that I was with for some years.”
“You said that he is your ex-boyfriend. What happened for him to become that?”
“I was 18 years old when I met him and shortly after, I got with him. He is a bit older than me. At first, our relationship was a bit complicated but I really was falling for him fast. He was a bit stubborn and arrogant but we ended up working it out..until..there was a point where we could no longer do that.”
“What was the cause of that?”
Shuuichi knew that he could not keep that to himself. He was here to get help after all. It took him a few seconds before Shuuichi could speak again.
“After some time, my ex got into drugs and alcohol. I know he smoked and did drink a little but he got into it badly. He became more of a drinker and took pills. The thing is..I am not sure what was the exact cause of him wanting to suddenly do that. I do know that he also has dealt with some issues in his life but this was changing him so much that I did not recognize the man I was with after a while. If it was not for the drugs and heavy drinking..I could have still been with him but there was a lot of things that changed that I just can not or could deal with when it comes to his actions and the way he treated me.”
“Did he ever hurt you while all of this was going on with him?”
“..Yes. He also became mentally and physically abusive towards me. Also, sometimes, he was sexually abusive, too. Sometimes, he would make me do things when I did not want to because I was so scared of him hitting me or doing even worse things if I refused him.”
“You are saying that he raped you during the relationship?”
Shuuichi shook his head quickly a few times. It still hurts to think about that part. It still hurts to think about all of it.
“Yes but a lot of the time, I feel like it was not because even though I did not want to do it, I gave in to him but it was because I did not want to get hurt but deep down, I did not want him to do this to me or any of the things he was doing for that matter.”
“Still, he forced you to do these things, Shuuichi. Regardless, it was without true consent because you were in fear for your life.”
Shuuichi nodded in agreement.
“Yes. Also, he would hit me, slap me, kick me and sometimes, even throw things at me. It was like a glass of water to heavy objects. He was very unhinged and I started to fear for my life. Yet..I was afraid to leave him. He also belittled me and made me feel like I was nothing.”
“And did you ever leave him?”
“I did leave him, actually. One day, I was so tired of him being a drug addict and alcoholic that I just lost it. I have tried to get him help but he refused every single time when I offered it to him. He got so angry and also ended up admitting to me that he was cheating on me. I found out that he went to local gay clubs when I was gone at night doing things with friends to go do hookups and feed his addictions.”
“How did that make you feel when he did those things to you? How did you feel when he was doing those things to himself??”
“Honestly..I was so angry. I was also upset that he was destroying his body and mind and not wanting to get himself better. I was mostly feeling angry because I wasted so many years of my life with someone who in the end did not care about me at all. Though..it gave me the chance to get out of a situation that I no longer nor did want to be a part of anymore. Our break up was very messy but I was glad to be out of it for good. It also cost me my career in a way, too.”
“How so?”
“I was a lead singer for a band called Bad Luck in Japan where all of this took place. I was in the band for some years. Because of him and the way he treated me, it was making me feel like I was no longer good enough to keep on following my dream. I talked it over with my manager and band-mates and it was mutual all around that we disbanded the group. There were no hard feelings and I am happy for what they are doing with their lives. I also am a bit sad it happened but it had to be done for my health.”
“That is very understandable to feel that way. What did you do after all of this happened? Or what did you decide to do afterwards?”
“I packed up as much as I could bring with me and came to America for a fresh new start with my life. After a few months, I did not realize that I developed an eating disorder because of my stress with everything and what my ex did to me at the time. When I finally got health insurance, I checked myself into a facility to get myself better. Physically and mentally. I did not want to keep doing that to my health.”
“That is a good thing that you did.”
“Thank you. And it really was not that bad to be there either. While I was there, I also met a man by the name of Hugo. It did not take long for us to become close. He was also there as well for an eating disorder that he was going through because of his ex-boyfriend, too.”
“Are you two still in contact with each other?”
Shuuichi suddenly had a huge smile on his face.
“Yes, we are. In fact, we fell in love and now, we are married to each other. And I have no regrets being with him. Hugo is truly such an amazing man. Though..”
The smile suddenly disappeared off of Shuuichi’s face.
“Because of what happened between my ex and I, it has caused me to doubt myself with a lot of things and having to get to being treated a certain way. Hugo is a very loving, sweet, gentle and caring person. Which is something that I am not quite used to because of the way my ex treated me. And I want to stop comparing everything between the two of them because it is hurting me having to still have my ex on my mind when I do not want to.”
“Do you ever think you would go back to your ex if he cleaned himself up and such?”
“Nope! I refuse to go back to him. Ever. Even if he cleaned himself up and stuff..I could never trust him after all of that. I love being with Hugo so much and would rather be with him than my ex. HUgo is the only man that I ever want to be with. No one else.”
“I promise it was not my intention to upset you. I was just asking out of curiosity.”
“Yu did not upset me, I promise you. I understand but I also wanted to be honest. I want nothing to do with my ex. And I need to get better so I can just focus on my relationship with Hugo and stop comparing the two of them. Hugo is all I want. I am just not sure what to do. I have tried everything and nothing has been truly working.”
“I understand. I can tell that you do have severe PTSD and anxiety because of the trauma you went through.”
Shuuchi was curious.
“Do you think I will be able to get over it?”
“Maybe and maybe not. But it is manageable, regardless.”
“I also think I am depressed as well but not because of Hugo but just because of all the other things.”
“That is also quite possible. Do you feel like you would unalive yourself?”
“I used to but not anymore. I am in a much healthier environment and with someone who truly loves me for who I am. I just sometimes wish that I could do better with my life but I want to stay alive. I want to be alive.”
“We can work on all of this. I do think you would truly benefit from further sessions and maybe some treatment.”
“Do you think I need to be put in a ward of some kind?”
“Oh no! Not at all! I was thinking about would you be up for trying some medication to help you with your anxiety and depression? It is not going to cure it fully but it will help you to be able to manage it on a daily basis. If that is what you would be okay with doing.”
Shuuichi was willing to give it a try.
“If you think it could truly help me then I would like to see if it works.”
Mr. Collins agreed.
“I can do that. I also would like to see you twice a month for the time being. Just make sure of things. Also, if you feel any severe side effects with the medications or even just one of them, you stop taking them immediately and call my office as well. Also, do not rush yourself. Take your time when it comes to healing yourself. Even if it is as much as you can do, you do not have to do it quickly.”
“I will do that if it happens and make sure I do not rush myself.”
Shuuichi watched him as he wrote out two prescriptions.
“So..do you think that I am crazy?”
Mr. Collins looked back up at him.
“I do not think you are crazy, Shuuichi but I can see that you are truly hurting. And I can see that you want to make things better for yourself. That takes a lot. Also, I am very glad that you got out of your abusive relationship with your ex. That is also not easy to do and I congratulate you for doing so.”
“Thank you.”
“You are welcome, Shuuchi. I truly do not think you are crazy. Nor is it my place to say such a thing.”
“Understood.”
After Mr. Collins wrote out the prescriptions, and they talked for several more minutes before he handed them to Shuuichi.
“When you go to the lobby, go ahead and make two appointments with my secretary.”
“Okay. Thank you so much for wanting to see me.”
“It is not a problem! I enjoyed talking with you. I hope things do get better and I will help you along that journey.”
Shuuichi could not help but have a smile on his face at the moment.
“My husband said the same thing. He wants to help me with this as well.”
“I think that is a very good thing.”
“Me too.”
After another minute, Shuuichi got up from the couch and headed out of the room and into the lobby. When he reached, Hugo was sitting in one of the chairs in the waiting room, reading a magazine.
“Hey, babe.”
Hugo looked up at him and smiled.
“Wow! It has been an hour already?”
“Yep! I just need to make two more appointments before we head out. I also have two prescriptions that they want me to fill and try.”
“We can go do that right after you make your appointments, love.”
Shuuichi and Hugo walked over to the secretary’s desk and made the two appointments before leaving the building and getting into their car together. Hugo was curious as they drove.
“You do not have to go into detail about what the two of you spoke about but..how did the first appointment go?”
“It actually went better than I expected. I think I am going to be okay.”
“I am so glad! Would you like me to come to the next one with you and wait in the lobby?”
“Just for the first few of them if that is okay.”
Hugo was very okay with that.
“Of course I can do that. I love you, hun.”
Shuuichi could not help but smile.
“I love you, too, babe.”
Shuuichi was finally happy that he was able to meet and talk to someone that can work with him. And Hugo was also going to help him as well. Either way, Shuuichi was on the mend for the better.
“It seems that I am going to be on the right track now. Just gotta take it one day at a time like he has advised me to do.”
Not everyday is going to be sunshine and rainbows for him but as long as he can start to not think about Yuuki and everything that happened before he got together with Hugo, Shuuichi felt like everything is going to be for the better. Much better.
The End