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Kiyoomi shouldn’t be jealous. He shouldn’t because it’s ridiculous. How can he be jealous of his boyfriends? It doesn’t make any sense.
And yet, he can’t help but feel left out when he hears Atsumu and Rintarou talk about their Inarizaki years. He doesn’t mean to, and he’s happy that they had fun during their high school years when he personally didn’t.
Of course, he wouldn’t wish for them to be as lonely as he was. He genuinely is happy for them and the good memories that they have with each other.
But still. He can’t help but feel jealous. And he hates it. He hates the feeling and he hates himself for even feeling it in the first place. It’s just how life is, of course you have more memories with the people you’ve known longer. It’s simple math.
It’s in those vulnerable moments that his intrusive thoughts take over and he ends up thinking about how maybe this was a mistake.
The three of them started dating about a month ago. So their relationship is fairly new, but he can’t help but think that he isn’t supposed to be here, that he’s somehow invading Atsumu and Rintarou’s life.
In his head, it isn’t 'Atsumu and Rintarou and Kiyoomi' but rather 'Atsumu and Rintarou + Kiyoomi'. It’s like the two of them belong together, they’ve always been an inseparable duo, and Kiyoomi just happens to be here too.
Most of the time, he manages to silence these thoughts. He manages to have the upper hand and rationalize. He thinks about how if they truly preferred it to be just the two of them, they wouldn’t have asked Kiyoomi out in the first place.
And that is a valid reasoning. He desperately tries to print it on his brain, in an attempt to silence it and its thoughts. But it doesn’t work. Not today.
Today, after having come back to the MSBY apartment that he shares with Atsumu and hearing the man laugh on the phone with Rintarou again , he couldn’t. Today, the only thing that Kiyoomi’s brain tells him is that Atsumu and Rintarou will soon enough realize how they’re way better without him and just leave him out. That this relationship was just a fun game, something they wanted to try out but that wouldn’t last.
And he can’t help but think that this also is a valid reasoning. Because Atsumu and Rintarou have been together since their last year of high school. It’s been two years, and if what they told Kiyoomi is true, they never tried to include another partner in their relationship before.
So, why now? And most importantly, why him?
He guesses it’s his fault. He shouldn’t have fallen for two guys in a relationship, it’s obviously a recipe for disaster. And he knows that feelings aren’t something one can control, but he still thinks he could have tried harder.
He could have backed off when he joined MSBY instead of trying to get closer to Atsumu because he’s had a crush on the guy since high school. He could also have refused going out for drinks with Atsumu and Rintarou every time they played against EJP, but he didn’t. He didn’t because, for the first time in so long, he’s felt comfortable with people. It’s only ever been him and Motoya. But this time, he felt as if he could be himself –truly himself– with them and that they wouldn’t judge him. It felt good. So forgive him for being a little selfish and wanting to keep that for him.
He did not expect, however, to fall for Rintarou as well. He has to admit that he’s always found the guy attractive –he isn’t blind– but with his focus solely on Atsumu, he never really actively paid attention to anyone else.
But now he could see it. He could see why Atsumu would love Rintarou, the same way he could see why Rintarou would love Atsumu. They just fit together, Kiyoomi thinks.
They fit better together than they could ever do with him, he also thinks. And it hurts.
He doesn’t know for how long he’s been crying, he only realizes it when he touches his pillow and feels how wet it is.
"Omi! Rin is coming over!" Atsumu yells excitedly as he barges into the room.
Shit. Thankfully he’s lying on his side with his back turned to the door so the other man can’t see his face. What should he do? Should he pretend to be asleep? He doesn’t want Atsumu to see him crying, especially over something like this. He knows it’s ridiculous.
Completely oblivious to Kiyoomi’s dilemma and apparently not waiting for a reply, Atsumu adds on with that same enthusiastic tone. "He called me ta ask what food we want him to bring, I said sushi. I hope that’s okay with ya. Also he said we can pick the movie for tonight! Come with me ta choose."
Kiyoomi still hasn’t moved and it’s only then that Atsumu becomes quiet. Kiyoomi can hear him silently walking about the bed, probably to check if Kiyoomi is asleep or not. He’s about to close his eyes to pretend that he is when he hears a soft "Omi?" and this time the tone that Atsumu uses is filled with worry.
He sighs and closes his eyes, a few more tears flow on his cheeks because of the movement.
Atsumu’s eyes widen. "Omi baby, what’s wrong?" He rushes to the bed and sits on the edge of it, just besides Kiyoomi’s stomach. The blonde then reached to Kiyoomi’s head with his right hand and starts softly caressing his hair just the way he knows Kiyoomi likes. Kiyoomi doesn’t have the strength –nor the want– to push him away, so he melts into the touch.
He still hasn’t talked, and he can see that Atsumu is getting worried more and more by the seconds. The blonde’s eyebrows furrow more and more by the seconds, and his eyes move ever so lightly as if he’s trying to figure out why Kiyoomi is in that state. Nevertheless, he doesn’t pry, he doesn’t rush nor push him to talk. Kiyoomi’s heart aches at the tenderness.
Suddenly, they both startle as they hear the front door opening and closing. "Atsu, Kiyo, I’m here!"
They seemingly both relax as Rintarou’s voice comes through, although none of them reply. Atsumu looks like he wants to, but apparently decides against it in case Kiyoomi doesn’t want Rintarou to see him like this.
It’s both endearing and thoughtful but also dumb because of course Rintarou enters the bedroom when he hears no response. "Heya, I called several times, did you not hear me?" He asks. From his tone, Kiyoomi guesses that he’s smiling, even though he can’t see his face. "I put the food on the coffee table but the TV isn’t on. You didn’t choose any movie?"
Atsumu just shakes his head in response. The blonde’s facial expression must be enough for Rintarou to get worried because Kiyoomi hears a soft gasp coming from him, probably when he registers the predicament Atsumu and Kiyoomi currently are in.
Kiyoomi hates it. He doesn’t like being the center of attention and the fact that his two boyfriends (?) are looking at him expectantly makes him want to die. Especially when he thinks about why he’s in this state in the first place.
Even if they don’t mean it meanly, he’s sure they’ll make fun of him because he’s silly for having such thoughts. Or worse, they’ll pity him. And he can’t have that. God he isn’t sure he could survive that.
"What’s wrong?" Rintarou asks worriedly. Kiyoomi feels how the mattress lowers behind him when the other man sits on it. He then feels Rintarou’s hand on his back drawing little circles — again just like he knows Kiyoomi likes.
He feels himself crying even more upon the realization that none of his boyfriends knows the reason for his current state but they still know exactly what he needs to relax — Kiyoomi doesn’t even remember ever telling them. They’re soothing him without knowing anything, and they’re not even pushing him to talk.
He sniffles loudly and both Atsumu and Rintarou completely freeze. Rintarou immediately draws his hand back, thinking he did something bad, and Atsumu follows. Kiyoomi instantly misses the warmth.
"I’m sorry," He rasps quietly and surprises himself with how bad his voice sounds. He definitely cried more than he thought.
"What are you sorry about?" Both Rintarou and Atsumu ask in unison, voices filled with worry.
"I–" He sniffles again. "I’m just overthinking. It’s ridiculous, don’t worry."
He slowly moves to a sitting position. He sees no point in trying to hide his face anymore since they both know he’s crying.
Still, he can’t bring himself to look at them and so he lowers his head to stare at his thighs instead.
"It’s not ridiculous if it’s making you cry, love." Atsumu’s voice is soft but Kiyoomi knows he’s frowning.
"We won’t force you, but you know you can talk to us, right?" Rintarou adds on and it makes Kiyoomi raise his head sheepishly.
Their facial expressions look so sincere that Kiyoomi feels his heart ache. He isn’t making any sound, but he feels the tears flowing on his cheeks.
He lowers his head again. "…Do you love me?" He mindlessly voices his most prominent intrusive thought so quietly that it’s barely audible.
He instantly regrets it. His cheeks burn in embarrassment as he realizes what he just said.
Rintarou and Atsumu’s eyes widen. "Of course we do!" They immediately reply in unison.
"Right." He purses his lips and closes his eyes for a moment to try to gather his thoughts. "I knew that, haha. Sorry!" He tries to joke it off but of course neither Atsumu nor Rintarou buys it.
"Kiyoomi what is this about?" Atsumu asks worriedly. The use of his first name makes him wince.
Rintarou stays silent as he expectantly looks at him, his facial expression mirrors Atsumu’s: hurt . Kiyoomi hates himself for being the reason for it.
"I, um…" he starts but doesn’t know how to continue. He knows he should be honest with them because that’s what they’re expecting of him, and also because Kiyoomi himself values honesty a lot.
But he’s also terribly scared of losing them. He’d much rather have them knowing that they love each other more than they love him no matter how much it hurts, than not having them at all.
It may be destructive (it probably is), but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t think he’ll ever love anyone in his life the way he loves them.
He sighs lengthily. "I have these… thoughts . Most of the time I manage to silence them but sometimes they’re too loud and they take over all of my other thoughts."
Okay. This isn’t an explanation, but it isn’t a lie either.
Atsumu just nods.
"What do those thoughts say?" Rintarou asks.
"That I–" He nips at his bottom lip and he feels it trembling. "That you don’t love me."
Both Rintarou and Atsumu stay silent at that. Kiyoomi raises his head to look at them and he just sees them looking back at him, seemingly not wanting to interrupt and just waiting for him to continue.
They must know that it’s hard for him to say this, Kiyoomi appreciates the silence. With that, he dares to speak honestly.
"I guess I feel a little jealous about all the memories you have with each other. You’re always laughing about your Inarizaki time and while I’m very happy for you both, I can’t help but feel a little left out…" He pauses to breathe. "And… I’m scared that you’re gonna realize soon that you don’t need me. That it’s been fun while it lasted. That i’m just an experience you wanted to try but now the fun’s over and you’ll go back to your initial relationship." He honestly has no idea how he managed to voice all of this without stumbling over his words with how much he’s crying, his vision is completely blurred.
Atsumu is about to reply when Rintarou stops him. He grabs Atsumu’s hand and shakes his head before looking back at Kiyoomi and nodding softly, a sign for him to continue.
"I mean I know that you love each other more than you love me, but I like to think that—"
"Hold on now," Atsumu interrupts him and raises his hand. Rintarou doesn’t stop him this time, he seems equally shocked by the revelation. "Who said that?"
"Huh?"
"Who told you we don’t love you as much as we love each other?" Rintarou asks.
Kiyoomi stays silent for a moment because, well, no one told him but isn’t it obvious? They’ve been together longer, of course they love each other more. They’ve probably loved each other all their life. Kiyoomi is just an addition.
"Well you have loved each other since high school so your love is stronger," Kiyoomi states what he thought was obvious. Apparently it isn’t, if the dumbstruck expressions on their faces are anything to go by.
"Omi," Atsumu sighs. "First, time doesn’t have anything to do with the intensity of our feelings."
"And second," Rintarou goes on. "We started dating the day we realized we had a common crush on you."
Kiyoomi chokes on his saliva at that. "What?!"
Even Atsumu seems surprised by Rintarou’s revelation as Kiyoomi sees the blonde’s cheeks getting redder and redder.
"Duh," Rintarou rolls his eyes. "You cannot possibly think that your immense rudeness along with your iconic death glares weren’t terribly attractive to us."
Rintarou probably said that as a joke to lighten the mood, but Kiyoomi finds himself snorting nonetheless.
He hears Atsumu chuckle next to him. "He’s right ya know." He grins, looking at Kiyoomi with shining honey eyes. "We were down bad for ya Omi, still are."
Kiyoomi doesn’t react as he’s still in shock at the revelation. He didn’t know, he never even thought of it.
The two other men seem to realize because they both stop laughing and opt for a more serious face. "Omi, look at us." Kiyoomi does.
"Ya aren’t an experience of any sort. We are dating ya because we love ya. I’m so sorry if ya ever felt like we were leaving you out, I swear it wasn’t intentional Omi." Atsumu states very seriously, a frown evident on his face as he looks guilty.
"You haven’t." Kiyoomi voices because he needs to. He needs them to know that they didn’t do anything wrong. That it’s his thoughts that got the best of him. "I guess it just started with me feeling a bit jealous and then my brain emphasized it…" He admits embarrassingly.
"Hey, don’t be embarrassed. We all get dominated by our thoughts sometimes, that’s okay." Atsumu smiles at him.
"Next time you feel like this, please talk to us, Kiyo. Please tell us if you ever feel uneasy. You’ll never be a burden. We want you to be comfortable with us." Rintarou adds.
"I am. I swear I am. I’ve never felt more comfortable than when I’m with you." He replies, because it’s true.
They both smile at that. “I’m glad,” they reply at the same time. Kiyoomi smiles back.
"And um…" Rintarou shifts awkwardly as his cheeks turn pink. "If it makes you feel any better, I also feel jealous sometimes."
"Huh?" Both Kiyoomi and Atsumu voice in unison.
Rintarou averts their gazes as he looks to the side. His cheeks turn from pink to bright red. "Well, you also have memories together with MSBY that I am not part of. And by being in the same team, you can see each other everyday. I wish I could see both of you everyday." He pouts.
Rintarou looks two seconds away from combusting and Kiyoomi has never seen a more endearing sight.
"Awwww~" Atsumu coos at him and Rintarou throws him a pillow in the face.
Kiyoomi can’t help but laugh at that.
Both Rintarou and Atsumu freeze to look at him and oh. Kiyoomi sees it now. He sees it in the way they’re looking at him, in the way they’re smiling at him, in the way their shoulders relaxed immediately when they heard his laugh.
They love him.
He feels himself cry again. The two men immediately drop the pillow they’ve been fighting with and rushes to Kiyoomi to wrap him in a bear hug. Atsumu on his right and Rintarou on his left, they both kiss Kiyoomi’s temple before resting their heads on each side of his.
He opens his arms and wraps them around their waists in turn. "I love you so much," he mumbles and he can feel their smiles on his head. "We love you too," they both reply.
Then they managed to get in a comfortable position and the three of them sigh happily. Kiyoomi doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but he doesn’t care.
The mood gets broken by the sound of their stomach growling. The three of them laugh loudly before letting go of each other.
"Time to eat I guess," Atsumu says.
"Our dinner is still waiting for us on the coffee table," Rintarou adds.
They both turn to him, silently asking if he’s okay or if he needs some alone time. Kiyoomi surprises himself by feeling genuinely good. "Yeah, let’s go." He smiles at them.
"Can we watch Tangled ?" Kiyoomi asks as they make their way to the living room.
Both men snort. "We sure can!"
So they ate their sushi and then ended up spending the whole evening on the couch, Kiyoomi sitting between Atsumu and Rintarou.
If someone were to enter the room right now, they wouldn’t know which leg belongs to who with how they’re all intertwined with each other. None of them seem to care though, and that’s all that matters.
When Tangled ends, they put on another movie. " Frozen it is!" Atsumu says excitedly, not leaving neither Kiyoomi nor Rintarou any choice in the matter.
This time they moved a bit, Rintarou is pressed against the cushions and Kiyoomi is snuggled up against his side. The latter caresses his head the same way Atsumu was doing it earlier, and Kiyoomi does the same to Atsumu’s head which is laying on his lap.
As he looks down at the blonde’s head and sees him intensely focused on the movie, or as he glances to the brunette to his right and sees him dozing off probably due to the tiredness of his train ride; Kiyoomi feels genuinely happy. Probably the happiest he’s ever been.
He presses his face a tiny bit more in Rintarou’s neck as he continues to play softly with Atsumu hair, and they fall asleep like that.