Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kouyou: Why did Mori appear in the office covered in ash?

Chuuya: What? 🤨

Higuchi: Weird 🤔

Yosano: I'm sure he deserved it.

Dazai: The son of a bitch showed up at my house while I was sleeping and he waited for me to wake up to ask me if he wanted to go back to the mafia, so I took the flamethrower I have and burned it

Gin: Why do you have a flamethrower?

Dazai: Because I like arson 😈😎

Chuuya: Dazai, how many times do I have to tell you not to attack my boss with the flamethrower?

Dazai: he did a home invasion, I had the right to defend myself, it's not my fault that the flamethrower was the closest weapon

Kouyou: Yes, sure 😒

Kunikida: Dazai please don't attack mafia bosses

Dazai: Very much don't attack Mori, but you don't tell him not to enter people's houses 😑

Mori: That was very bad of you dazai 😭

Dazai: If you try to come near my house again I'm going to steal Elise for three days 🙂

Mori:...

Elise: I'm going volunteer. Rintaro is being stupid >:(

Dazai: Sweets where always? ^_^

Elise: Come on ^0^

*Dazai and Elise disconnected from the chat*

Tanizaki: What just happened?

Chuuya: Just Dazai stealing Elise like always

Atsushi: I thought Dazai couldn't touch Elise

Kunikida: And it can't, why do you say that?

Atsushi: Because I'm seeing them right in front of me. Dazai is carrying Elise on his shoulders and Elise is smiling

Akutagawa: What are you doing with Dazai and Elise?

Izumi: Dazai invited Atsushi and me to go with him to buy ice cream for Elise.

Gin: *gasps* And he doesn't invite us

Akutagawa: Betrayal

Dazai: I'm sorry, kids, you weren't on your way.

Q: And Elise?

Dazai: She just appeared here.

Elise: 😜

Chuuya: @Atsushi Dazai can touch Elise because a while ago he gave her a ring so that Elise would become human when she wears it and she wears it every time she goes out with Dazai

Tachihara: I didn't know something like that existed.

Gin: You don't know many things.

Tachihara: Why do you always Buylling me? T_T

Gin: Because I can 😜

Atsushi: Thank you for answering the question Chuuya

Chuuya: You're welcome.

Dazai: @Akutagawa @Gin @Q Go out so I can go get your ice cream or I'll leave you working

Akutagawa, Gin and Q: Come in Mom

Mori: Dazai stop stealing my members

Dazai: Try to stop me old man

Mori: Hey, I'm not old :(

Elise: Yes you are.

Mori: @Fukuzawa Aren't I old?

Fukuzawa: No honey.

Mori: @Dazai See!

Dazai: He's your husband, he's always going to tell you lies 😊

Ranpo: Besides, he's old too.

Fukuzawa: I'm only 45 🤨

Yosano: You are both fossils now 🥰

Mori: Why have enemies if your own children are your enemies 😒

Dazai: Screw you 🖕

Yosano: Screw you 🖕

Ranpo: Screw you 🖕

Mori: Every day I question myself more why we adopted you 🤗

Dazai: Because you wanted to feel young

Ranpo: And because you gays can't have children

Yosano: And because dad likes to pick up stray cats.

Fukuzawa: That's true.

Dazai: I'm leaving, the children have arrived

*Dazai disconnected from the chat*

Chapter Text

Chuuya: Hey, has anyone seen my husband?

Ranpo: Why are you looking for Dazai 🤨

Chuuya: Because it's his turn to do the laundry and I'm not going to let him slack off, so I need to know where he is so I can kick his butt and force him to hang the clothes.

Dazai: Chuuya I hung up the clothes this morning

Chuuya: they are not on the clothesline

Dazai: That's because I went to the laundromat on the corner and used their dryers, the clothes are folded in the closet.

Chuuya: ....

Atsushi: Since when do you do laundry?

Dazai: Since Chuuya forced me

Kunikida: I hope he force you to work too.

Dazai: @Fukuzawa Kunikida is complaining that I don't work again

Fukuzawa: Kunikida remember that you can only complain that Dazai doesn't do his work five times a day and you already used them all this morning. Furthermore, he handed me the pending reports from him two hours ago.

Kunikida:...My apologies president and dazai

Chuuya: Likewise, @Dazai Where are you?

Dazai: Why do you ask?

Chuuya: Because I want to know >:(

Dazai: Obsessive

Chuuya: Tell me where the hell you are 🤬

Dazai: I'm at Gin and Ryunosuke's house.

Atsushi: Why?

Dazai: Don't be jealous Atsushi

Atsuhsi: I'm not jealous.

Yosano: Yes he is.

Atsushi: YOSANO!

Ranpo: hahahaha

Dazai: Anyway, this is because they invited me to bake with them.

Gin: We're making a fig cake ^.^

Ryunosuke: And it's all for me 😌

Gin: Just because we don't like it 😒

Higuchi: Then why do you make it only with figs?

Dazai: Because Ryunosuke loves it.

Gin: And because we also made strawberry and chocolate cakes for Dazai and me.

Dazai: That too 🤗

Chuuya: You could have also warned me

Dazai: No 😒

Dazai: If I told you where I was going, you would have signed up to come and I wanted to spend time alone with my children 🥰

Chuuya: Toxic shit

Dazai: Fuck you, you had them to yourself for four years, it's my turn to make family ties with them.

Gin: We love you too mom

Runosuke: You're really better than dad.

Chuuya: Ouch right in all my heart

Dazai: Take that fucking 😜

Mori: @Chuuya There is no worse enemy than your own child

Dazai: You shut up, no one asked you.

Mori: Why do you hate me so much?

Dazai: Oda, the mafia, you killed grandpa, you made me watch a murder when I was 14, you taught me how to kill and torture when I was 14, you once forgot me in a pack of dogs, you didn't let Fukuzawa have my custody when you got divorced , you separated me from my brothers, I can go on and on

Fukuzawa: @Mori Why did I remarry you?

Mori: because you love me?

Ranpo: Because you're stupid.

Yosano: As much as I want to torture Mori, he's doing my nails right now, so shut up and let him finish his work.

Kouyou: Why is Mori doing your nails?

Yosano: Because he wanted to spend time with his daughter

Mori: You try to fix your past mistakes and that's how you get paid

Elise: You deserve more, they actually softened because you were a good father sometimes.

Mori: Well, then I'll shut up.

Chuuya: @Dazai Are you going back home?

Dazai: Yes, don't worry, I'll be there around 7:30

Chuuya: Okay

*Chuuya disconnected*

Dazai: @Chuuya Say goodbye well, bitch 😡😤

Chuuya: Bye, I love you 💖

Dazai: And I love you ^^💗

Tachihara: That man has power 😰

Hirotsu: It's Dazai, obviously he has power

Kouyou: And in Chuuya more

Chapter Text

Higuchi: Then why did our warehouse suddenly explode?

Mori: Sorry, what?

Gin: Yes, we were calmly collecting information from the subjects and the warehouse exploded. Tachihara even ended up flying to the lake

Tachihara: I'm fine, by the way.

Gin: Nobody cares

Tanizaki: I disagree, I care.

Dazai: Gay Redheads~~~~

Atsushi: You are married to a redhead 🤨

Dazai: And you with an emo who would be your stepbrother if it weren't for the fact that we didn't register you in the civil registry

Atsushi: 🤐

Hirotsu: Also, why did the warehouse explode?

Gin: We don't know.

Izumi: Didn't Kajii want to try some new lemon bombs?

Kunikida: Why do you know what mafia people do?

Izumi: Q told me

Naimo: Why were you with Q?

Izumi: He is Dazai's son and I am his daughter duh

Dazai: Please tell me you both went to class and not to blow up a warehouse with a lemon nut.

Q: Don't worry, Mommy, we went to class.

Dazai: I'll ask your teacher to make sure that.

Chuuya: I don't like that woman 😠

Akutagawa: You don't like her because she flirts with your husband

Chuuya: Exactly.

Dazai: It's not my fault I'm so handsome that women want to make me commit infidelity

Chuuya: I cut your cock

Dazai: Shut up dog, I'm the one in charge here.

Chuuya: Who says that?

Kajii: Has anyone else seen Dazai beating Chuuya to death with a flip-flop or am I the only one who saw that rare moment?

Gin: Man you finally appear Kajii

Kouyou: Don't worry, it's just Mom Dazai reminding the man who puts the money in the house of his dominance.

Akutagawa: Normal

Gin: I hope he don't make him sleep on the street because he promised me that he would help me paint my nails.

Yosano: I can help you with that.

Gin: Oh well then I don't care if he throws him out, thanks yosano ^^

Kunikida: As you can see, they love their father 

Akutagawa: Mom Dazai is superior

All the children agreed

Mori: We have strayed from the topic. Who blew up my warehouse?

Kajii: I didn't go, I blew up Chuuya's car

Chuuya: WHY IS EVERYONE EXPLODING MY CAR?!

Atsushi: Looks like Mom didn't kill him then.

Dazai: Because your car is exploitable

Chuuya: I hate you all 🖕

Higuchi: So who blew up the warehouse?

Fukuzawa: Maybe it was one of your enemies

Dazai: Maybe it was Natsume because Mori didn't feed him the other night.

Natsume forced him into the chat

Natsume: No, I shit on his pillow

Natsume left the chat

Mori: 😦

Chapter Text

Atsushi: Dazai, where are you?

Dazai: In the Canary Islands, why?

Atsushi: What are you doing in the Canary Islands?

Dazai: Sunbathe and enjoy the Mediterranean

Atsushi:...Okay

Dazai: Why? Did you want something?

Atsushi: Kunikida is looking for you

Dazai: Tell Kunikida I'm on a case.

Kunikida: You know I can read your messages, right?

Dazai: 🤷🏻‍♂️ I'm still on a case

Kunikida: In what kind of case do you need to be in the Canary Islands sunbathing? 😠💢

Dazai: The president sent me here, what I do to go undercover is none of your business

Fukuzawa: Kunikida leaves the boy, I sent him to the Canary Islands to take care of a case

Kunikida: ...okay president

Akutagawa: Can someone come take care of the giant octopus attacking the city?

Atsushi: I had forgotten about that.

Akutagawa: How do you forget that?!

Atsushi: I had more important things to think about.

Fukuzawa: Kunikida go help them and take Yosano with you

Kunikida: Right away president

Kouyou: Why does every time Dazai is not in the city things happen that destroy it?

Hirotsu: Like when he went to Italy and a giant whale appeared and destroyed half the port.

Gin: Or when he ran away to Paris with Chuuya and we had a zombie outbreak.

Chuuya: Or when he went to Canada and the people turned to stone

Dazai: Can't you go five minutes without me saving your ass or what?

All:No

Dazai: It's because of things like this that I hate being the smart main character and not the friend who dies first.

Mori: Are you coming or not?

Dazai: Fuck you I can't fly to Yokahama right now

Mori: Why?

Dazai: Because the only flight to Yokahama isn't for another month.

Mori: I'm glad I'm a mafia boss for these things @Hirotsu grab the private jet and go find Dazai

Hirotsu: Right away Boss

Yosano: Benefits of Rich

Mori: Yosano literally the mafia gives you 80% percent of your salary, why do you think that now you have to live comfortably and the broken pipes in the bedrooms were fixed?

Atsushi: I thought the money came from an anonymous benefactor.

Ranpo: The president said that because he didn't want to admit that his husband sent him millions so that he would stop being poor and could buy windows.

Fukuzawa: I will neither admit nor deny anything

Yosano: That phrase alone admits everything

Mori: The other 15% is money that dazai sends under an alias and the other 5% is government subsidies

Dazai: Hey, you said you wouldn't tell anyone.

Mori: Oops.

Dazai: MORI ACTUALLY KILLED THE OLD BOSS AND MADE ME BE HIS WITNESS

Kouyou: I knew it! @Hirotsu You owe me 20,000 yen

Fukuzawa: Because of things like this my family is in therapy

Mori: And who pays for the therapy?

Fukuzawa, Yosano, Ranpo, Elise and Dazai: Chuuya

Chuuya: Did someone call me?

Dazai: No, but if you shoot the bomb in the center of the octopus's head you will stun it for a few minutes

Chuuya: Sexy, sometimes your brain turns me on

Dazai: Yes, yes. Don't die or you will force me to go to hell to bring you back

Chuuya: Whatever you say, my love.

Chapter Text

Akutagawa: Mom, where are you?

Dazai: I'm in the Canary Islands

Gin: Why?

Dazai: Because I hadn't finished my case when Hirotsu came to me and I save your asses

Akutagawa: A

Dazai: Yes, A; Now if you'll excuse me, I'm following someone. See you kids I love you

Dazai logged out

Gin: What now?

Akutagawa: I don't know.

Izumi: I did know that Mom was in the Canary Islands

The Akutagawa Brothers: And why didn't you tell us?

Izumi: I told Dad

Gin: @Chuuya DAD YOU DIDN'T TELL US THAT MOM WENT TO THE CANARY ISLANDS

Chuuya: I didn't remember

Atsushi: How do you not remember to tell your children that your husband went to the Canary Islands?

Chuuya: I've been busy at work.

Akutagawa: For things like these we love Mom more

Gin: Exactly.

Chuuya: He didn't tell you either

Akutagawa: Well he told us when we asked him where he was, he's not like you.

Gin: Yes, what kind of husband says I don't know, he'll be killing himself in a river.

Dazai: So this is what you say to our children when I'm not at home.

Chuuya: To tell the truth, almost every day you jump into a river.

Dazai: That's a lie Chuuya, and you know it. It's only once a month so I don't lose the habit.

Chuuya: Whatever

Dazai: Remind me why I married you?

Chuuya: Because I'm rich and handsome

Dazai: Meh, I'm that too and I didn't marry me

Mori: It's because it makes you want to live.

Dazai: Yes, because for another reason I don't see him.

Chuuya: So it's not because you love me?

Dazai: No.

Chuuya: Caraculo

Dazai: Cocksucker. Now I will return to my case

Dazai logged out

Yosano: Has anyone seen Ranpo? I swear I left him unsupervised for a second and he vanished from my side.

Poe: Somehow he get to my home

Kouyou: Since when is there a guild member in our group?

Hirotsu: No idea.

Atsushi: Oh, that's Poe, he's Ranpo's boyfriend.

Izumi: They put him in the group a while ago

Poe: I haven't appeared before because I prefer to read messages and not respond to the group

Ranpo: Half the time he silences the group

Mori: A

Poe: Bye, nice to meet you all.

Poe logged out

Fukuzawa: Good Talk

Chapter Text

Higuchi: What do you recommend, the red or purple dress?

Akutagawa: The purple

Dazai: The purple

Gin: The purple

Atsushi: What is the dress for?

Higuchi: For a date

Atsushi: The purple 

Yosano: How boring did this chat get?

Ranpo: The author has no imagination

Dazai: Normally she spends her time suspending everything

Ranpo: And she also wants to kill teachers.

The Author: Stop talking shit about me

Dazai: Shit that's true

The Author sent them to fuck off

Mori: In the end we don't know who blew up the warehouse

Dazai: Maybe it was Hirotsu so you could give him a vacation.

Hirotsu: Dazai, don't blaspheme my name like that, I don't need to blow up a warehouse to have a vacation, but a vacation would be appreciated.

The Author: What I would give to have a vacation

Dazai: You shut up, nobody cares

The Author: I'm going to jump off a bridge

Dazai: Double suicide?

The Author: Let's go ^^

Dazai and The Author left the chat

Akutagawa: @Chuuya please go stop mom from jumping off a bridge with the Author

Tachihara: Anyway, does anyone know why my weapons keep disappearing from my locker?

Gin: It's because you forget them in the training room.

Verlaine: Why is there a Katana on the ceiling of my living room?

Mori: What the fuck is going on?

Ranpo: For me you have a ghost

Atsushi: Why would a ghost put a katana on the ceiling?

Yosano: Maybe he's bored

Tachihara: Why was my gun in the bathroom?

Gin: You will know

Tachihara: I didn't take it to the bathroom.

Hirotsu: Are you sure about that?

Tachihara: Yes

Tachihara: Also, I'm missing a dart gun.

Higuchi: Since when do you have a dart gun?

Tachihara: Since a week ago, the boss gave it to me

Mori: I didn't give you any dart gun.

Tachihara: Boss, yes you gave it to me

Mori: No, on Monday I was with Fukuzawa all day doing his accounting.

Chuuya: Do you do accounting for your husband?

Mori: Don't you?

Chuuya: I don't even remember the multiplication tables, all the papers are for dazai. There's a reason he has such a smart brain.

Dazai: Actually he makes me a crab as a thank you after giving him the tax return.

Yosano: We've had like five different conversations in the span of a few minutes.

Ranpo: @Hirotsu you can take your vacation

Hirotsu: Thanks Ranpo

Ranpo: @Higuchi the purple enhances your eyes

Higuchi: Thanks Ranpo

Ranpo: @Verlaine @Tachihara @Mori I suspect that whoever blew up the warehouse and stole the redhead's weapons with a band-aid also put the sword on the ceiling and was the one who impersonated Mori and stole the dart gun he gave to Tanizaki earlier

Kouyou: Looks like we have a mole.

Chuuya: But who is it?

Gin: That's what we have to find out.

Mori: Nobody's going home until we find out

Dazai: Do you want to repeat that again? 😊🔪

Mori: Correction. We're all going home and tomorrow we'll be on the lookout for strange behavior.

Fukuzawa: I like that I don't have to wear my flip-flop to get you out of work, I just have to wear our son.

Dazai: Happy to help, dad.

Chapter Text

Dazai: Hey, why is there a guy robbing the cafe?

Kunikida: Is there a guy robbing the cafe?

Yosano: Yes, he is pointing a gun at the manager.

Kunikida: And why don't you do anything?

Dazai: He told us to stay still

Kunikida: YOU ARE DETECTIVES!

Yosano: I can't heal Dazai if he gets hurt

Atsushi: Then you go, you can certainly handle the guy.

Yosano: I'm hungry and they haven't brought me food yet.

Atshushi and Kunikida: GUYS!

Dazai: Well, okay, I'll go, but I don't get paid to save people 😒

Ranpo: That's just what they pay you for 🤨

Dazai: They pay you the same and you don't do anything 😑

Ranpo: Privileges of being dad's favorite

Yosano: And we had to be Mori's favorites 😒

Mori: What's wrong with being my favorites?

Dazai: You look like a pedophile

Mori: Hey, I don't fuck children, a little respect

Fukuzawa: Your ability says otherwise.

Mori: Hey, Elise is not my desire to fuck a child, it's my desire to have children.

Dazai: Well you already had them now make it grow

Mori: But then who will be the little one in the family 😭😭😭

Yosano: Dazai

Ranpo: Dazai

Dazai: Does that mean I'll have special treatment and be able to use the mafia's resources?

Mori: You already had that before but of course my child.

Dazai: Well then make it grow: v

*Elise epically transforms into a 26-year-old girl*

Elise: So now I'll have to take care of the adoptees?

Dazai: HEY!

Yoano: HEY!

Ranpo: HEY!

Fukuzawa: If you like Elise, if don't, they have their partners to take care of them

Ranpo, Dazai and Yosano sarcastically: How much faith they have in us

Kunikida: Have you finished off the robber or not?

Yosano: Yes kunikida, Dazai tied him up like a pig at a rodeo

Atsushi: I didn't know Dazai could do that.

Dazai: I have a lot of abilities that you don't know about.

Akutagawa: That's why he is amazing.

Dazai: Thank you my dear son

Chapter Text

10 pm

Dazai: Hey @Kunikida where did you put yesterday's report?

Kunikida: We are in front of each other, why don't you ask me directly?

Dazai: Because you look angry and I don't want to be hit against a wall.

Kunikida: It's in the file room, second shelf on the right, third shelf from the floor shelf.

Dazai: Great, thank you ^^

4 pm

Tachihara: So aren't we going to investigate who stole our drugs?

Mori: That was Dazai

Higuchi: And we're just going to let him go?

Mori: It's Dazai

Akutagawa: What did he want drugs for?

Chuuya: To get high maybe

Gin: Shouldn't that worry you?

Chuuya: He's older, he can do whatever he wants with his body

Atsushi: A, but if he seduces a woman for a mission there if you persist

Chuuya: Shut up tiger boy or I'll throw you out the window.

Atsushi: If you do it, mom will send you out for a month.

Chuuya: ...

Chuuya: Well played

6 in the evening

Yosano: Well, has anyone seen Dazai?

Ranpo: He went to the docks

Kunikida: For what?

Kenji: He said he had to check something

Yosano: And I wanted it to play scalpel throw in Mori's face :(

Mori: I'm sorry, what?

Yosano: Apology accepted :)

12 pm

Chuuya: Has anyone seen my husband? He hasn't shown up at home

Izumi: Well, he left work at 9 in the afternoon like everyone else.

Chapter Text

Chuuya: WHERE THE FUCK IS MY HUSBAND? HE'S BEEN MISSING FOR A FUCKING WEEK

Yosano: Kunikida, where are you?

Kunikida: At school

Yosano: The president is looking for you

Kunikida: I'll be right there

Kouyou: Calm down Chuuya, Dazai can't be far away

Higuchi: Also Ranpo is doing everything possible to find Dazai

Chuuya: Everything possible, it's not enough

Ranpo: You do it yourselft if you don't like how I do it.

Mori: Guys, let's not fight among ourselves, please.

Ranpo and Chuuya: SHUT UP

Mori: Well, I tried it.

Fukuzawa: Kids, fighting isn't going to make Dazai appear faster, okay? Breathe and calm down

Ranpo and Chuuya: Okay president

Elise: Umm, Mori?

Mori: Yes elise? What's happening?

Elise: I'm going to need your services.

Mori: Where?

Elise: 50 Folklore Avenue

Mori: I'll arrive in 5 minutes

Chapter Text

Akutagawa: How is he?

Mori: Stable

Gin: It's lucky Elise found it.

Chuuya: I should have worried more, it's my fault

Izumi: Dad no.

Atsushi: You couldn't have known that, dad.

Kunikida: Exactly, who would have imagined that Dazai would be kidnapped for being the detective in charge of the investigation into the death of a guy who apparently sold drugs?

Yosano: None of us knew

Ranpo: Even I didn't know

Mori: The only fault was the group that kidnapped him

Chuuya: That doesn't make me feel better.

Kouyou: But torturing them yes, you have the entire torture room for yourself, little brother.

Chuuya logged out

Kenji: I'll bring dazai a beef steak so he can get better :)

Izumi: It's a good idea, I'll bring him a drawing :)

Atsushi: We'll go visit him then.

Rynosuke: We will accompany you

Gin: Yes

---

Yosano: How is Dazai?

Chuuya: He don't wake up

Hirotsu: Don't worry chuuya, the doctors said that in a week he would wake up

Chuuya: But what if he doesn't?

Ranpo: Chuuya it is practically impossible for someone to kill Dazai, a coma is not going to do it, Dazai will die on his own terms and on the indicated date this is how he makes a pact with death

Ryunosuke: I'm sorry, what?

Ranpo: You're too small for these kinds of conversations, continue making origami for your mom

Gin: WTF bro

Chapter Text

Dazai: Why did I just wake up and see a hot redhead in front of my window? @Chuuya I'm on the tenth floor of the hospital what the hell!

Chuuya: The nurses wouldn't let me in because it wasn't visiting hours :(

Dazai: Of course because flying in through my window isn't going to be recorded by the security cameras

Chuuya: Fuck the cameras and the nurses

Dazai: You're one of a kind

---

Ryunosuke: So I just went into Mom's room to pay him a visit with Gin and look what we found

Gin: 

Yosano: Awwwwww

Kouyou: How cute

Kunikida: What are they doing sleeping at 4 in the afternoon?

Izumi: They are tired duh

Chapter Text

Dazai: Why is a chicken in my living room?

Gin and Ryunosuke: Dad put it there!

Dazai: @Chuuya could you explain?

Chuuya: You wanted fresh eggs

Dazai: Yes but not that much

Chuuya: You didn't specify 🤷

Dazai: I kill this man

Kouyou: Stupidity runs in the family because I didn't raise him like that

Mori: And this is our strongest executive?

Tachihara: For some reason Dazai was the brain in his old days

Chuuya: I'll kill you, you fucking redhead

Q: Chuuya, you're also a redhead 🤦

Atsushi: I hate this family

Izumi: That's Akutagawa

Yosano: I want chicken

Ranpo: Well, buy it

Yosano: Yes, but I don't want to cook it

Dazai: Come home and I'll make it for you

Yosano: Thanks, little brother 😁

Dazai: You're welcome

Ranpo: Dad asks if we can go too

Dazai: Sure

Elise: Can I go too? I want cake

Dazai: Sure, Elise, but bring the wine too

Elise: okay 👍

Mori: Can I go too?

Dazai: Only if you bring the strawberries

Mori: Right away my boy

Dazai's family members logged out

Dazai: I'll bring you all as servants 😌

Kenji: Can I bring steaks?

Dazai: Sure kid, I'll make them for you

Kenji: :)

---

Dazai: @Mori Hey old man where are you?

Mori: Coming

Elise: You're too slow Rintaro

Mori: Shouldn't you be doing other things?

Elise: Controlling the Mafia is boring, I'd rather follow you

Mori: And then they say I'm the creepy one

Dazai: You have pedophile ability

Mori: A thanks

Dazai: You're welcome

Ranpo: Lol what happened?

Yosano: Why are you meeting with dad?

Dazai: To sell drugs

Mori: Dazai stop making me look bad in front of the kids

Dazai: You do that yourself 😎🫶🏻

Mori: I should have adopted the tiger 😔

Ryunosuke: He was too young for you

Atsushi: That does sound pedophile

Ryunosuke: But we're the same age!

Gin: Go fuck yourself and stop filling up the group with messages

Dazai: Lady, fall off

Gin: You don't order me around

Dazai: *gets offended in mother*

Dazai: Punished, you can't going to see Higuchi for a month

Higuchi: And what did I do to you? 😭😭😭

Dazai: Going out with my daughter

Higuchi: Understandable

Gin: *gets angry at emo sister*

Ryunosuke: She steals my style 🙂‍↔️

Mori: I arrived

Hirotsu: @Mori Another warehouse exploded

Mori: That's Elise's problem, I'm on break

Dazai: And then they wonder where I got the idea of ​​not wanting to work from

Mori: Come on dear, we have places to go

Dazai: I'm going

*Dazai and Mori logged out*

Tachihara: So we still don't know who continues to exploit the warehouses and was responsible for giving me a dart gun and sticking a sword in the basement?

Kouyou: Yes, exactly

Chuuya: Shouldn't we worry more and investigate?

Hirotsu: Nah, not until they start stealing data from the Mafia

Yosano: You guys are such good mobsters, aren't you?

Kouyou: Don't talk you kill your patients, pretty girl, and you also give them trauma

Yosano: Like your son-in-law

Chuuya: And then they complain about how I flirt with Dazai

Izumi: You're already married

Chuuya: Yes, with the man himself

Ryunosuke: Disgusting

Atsushi: He entered his time of hating the affection that my parents give each other in front of me

Ryunosuke: I hope you die

Atsushi: Then who would give you cuddles and love?

Rynosuke: Gin

Gin: I'm a lesbian

Rynosuke: And this is what sisters are for

Q: Hey, who's going to pick Izumi and me up from school?

Chuuya: Kunikida

Kunikida: And why me?

Chuuya: Because I'm telling you and I can make my husband get to work on time

Atsushi: Can you do it? 🤨

Chuuya: I can get whatever I want

Elise: Except the love of your children

Chuuya: Bitch

Elise: Gay

Chapter Text

Elise: So I just saw Dazai and Ryunosuke at the food stalls in the mall and this girl came to talk to them and complain about where Ryunosuke's parents were. Then Dazai was like "Miss this is my son" and the girl was like "That's impossible" and Dazai was like "I went into labor, I gave birth to him" and grabbed his food and left hahahahaha

Yosano: Oh my god 🤣🤣🤣

Ranpo: That's my little brother hahahahaha

Tachihara: Can someone come pick us up?

Chuuya: Why?

Gin: We ended up in Sweden

Akutagawa: How?

Higuchi: Tachihara doesn't know directions or how to follow directions

Tachihara: The GPS said left

Hirotsu: I want to retire more and more every day

Mori: You still have a few years left, Hirotsu, my dear

Dazai: You can give him an early retirement

Mori: And then who would be in charge of training the new ones? And doing the things that I don't want to do?

Fukuzawa: First do your job Mori

Dazai: Second Elise, for some reason it is your ability, send her to do things and Verlaine can train people, he did very well with Gin and Izumi

Mori: Yes, but Verlaine does not want many people in his part of the basement

Dazai: Then make Chuuya do it for some reason he is the best in martial arts

Chuuya: Thanks darling 🤗

Dazai: Yes, yes or you can also make anyone else do it you have many good teachers in the mafia and you are not one of them

Mori: You are right as always

Dazai: I know, you should start paying me for the advice I give you

Mori: I offer you to join the mafia and so I pay you again

Dazai: I offer you a painful death if you want to take it if not leave it

Fukuzawa: Mori leave Dazai alone, accept that the child left home

Mori: But it's so hard 😭😭😭😭

Dazai: Old man, I still visit

Elise: Rintaro, you're embarrassing us all

Dazai: That's always the case

Kouyou: Anyway, it would be a good idea to have more people to teach the gangsters things

Q: Yes, how to control their abilities

Poe: Oh, I know someone like that

Mori: Yes?

Poe: Yes, he is a teacher and helps people with their abilities or with their studies

Mori: I need you to introduce him to me, son-in-law

Poe: Sure :)

Mori: Great ^^

Mori: I'll make him an offer to come to the mafia and get a teacher and I'm sure he knows more teachers :)

Dazai: Well, that problem solved now give Hirotsu his retirement

Hirotsu: Grandson, I didn't need retirement

Dazai: Grandpa, accepts the damn offer

Mori: I can give him a vacation instead, would that be okay with you?

Hirotsu: Yes

Mori: Ideal

Tachihara: Is someone coming to pick us up?

Akutagawa: I had forgotten that you were lost

Gin: RYU!

Akutagawa: Sorry, mom distracted me talking about that new cake he wants to make

Chuuya: I'll pick you up kids, don't worry

Tachihara, Gin and Higuchi: Thank you ^_^

Chapter Text

Ace: What am I doing on a boat?

Dazai: Weren't you dead?

Ace: Yes, but I was revived by the power of the author

Kouyou: How are you in this group?

Ace: The author

Dazai: Author stop fucking around

*Ace and the boat is eaten by a megalodon*

The Author: Oh fixed

Mori: You're crazy

The Author: Just like all of you 🖕🏻

Hirotsu: I propose not to let Tachihara drive again

Chuuya: What happened now?

Gin: We ended up in Spain

Dazai: That's 10,642 km from Japan

Yosano: How the hell did you end up there?

Ranpo: Even I don't get lost that much

Atsushi: Tachihara is Zoro's lost brother

Chuuya: Oh my god 🤦🏻‍♀️

Elise: Rintaro fires the redhead for being stupid

Mori: I wish I could, dear

Tachihara: 👁️👄👁️

Higuchi: Can someone come pick us up?

Dazai: I'll go

Chuuya: 🤨

Dazai: You remember I'm on a case in Spain with Izumi, right?

Chuuya: Yeah, sure

Ryunosuke: He didn't remember shit

Gin: He told us you had shit to do this morning and that's it

Dazai: I don't know if you're shit or lazy to remember when I talk to you

Chuuya: Hey I remembered that ballet you wanted to go in Milan

Dazai: Yeah and you forgot where the bottle opener was

Chuuya: You moved it

Dazai: Chuuya was in the drawer where it always was

Chuuya: Lie, it should be next to my collection

Dazai: And what do I open the bottles with? With my mouth?

Chuuya: Well that's an option

Dazai: 🤦🏻‍♀️

Gin: Well anyway, where part of Spain are you mom?

Dazai: Murcia

Higuchi: We too

Izumi: How lucky

Dazai: Yes

Tachihara: Can we get presents?

Hirotsu: Only if you pay for them

Tachihara: Okay

Dazai: Let's go get presents then

Kunikida: What about the case?

Izumi: We're done

Dazai: The guy was cheating on him with his Spanish lover

Izumi: It was good gossip, really

Dazai: Yeah

*Higuchi, Tachihara, Gin, Hirotsu, Izumi and Dazai logged out*

Mori: Well I hope we can continue with our thing

Elise: If by our thing you mean ignoring your paperwork in exchange for playing with your scalpels as if they were darts on targets, then yes, we can continue with our thing

Mori: I miss when you were just quiet and looking adorable

Elise: Fuck you

Chuuya: @Verlaine Why is there a cow in the basement?

Verlaine: Because Kenji put it there

Kunikida: And why does Kenji put cows in the mafia?

Kenji: Because you didn't let me bring them to the Agency

Kunikida: Kenji you can't bring wild animals to the Agency

Ryunosuke: Why not? They have Atsushi

Atsushi: Sure bully your boyfriend

Ryunosuke: I learned that from my parents

Kenji: That's why I took them to the mafia

Kunikida: That's not what I wanted you to get out of my request and Atsushi is half human so obviously we're going to let him pass

Yosano: He's a furry

Atsushi: I'm a cat

Ryunosuke: He's a furry

Atsushi: I hate you so much

Rynosuke: I love you too baby

Chapter Text

Yosano: Why did I just see Kenji throwing Dazai out the window?

Ranpo: Because Dazai asked him to

Kunikida: I leave the office for a second and this is what happens

Dazai: It was the fastest way to get to the sidewalk

Atsushi: Are you running away from paperwork again?

Dazai: Nah, the reports are in the second drawer on the right

Izumi: Then what did you do it for?

Dazai: I'm running away from the president, he wants me to be his messenger

Fukuzawa: Dazai do your job

Dazai: Being the mailman for your love messages with dad is not part of my job

Fukuzawa: So you can see your husband

Dazai: I can see him at home now

Ranpo: Can't you just deliver it in person and that's it?

Fukuzawa: I don't want to walk

Mori: Lazy

Fukuzawa: Look who's talking

Elise: Guess what?

Yosano: What's going on?

Elise: The reception caught fire

Mori: HOW?

Elise: As you hear it

Dazai: Oh, what a shame I won't be able to deliver the letter now

Rynosuke: But it was you who set it on fire

Dazai: Ryunosuke, for snitching on your mother, you'll be left without dessert and I'll banish you to the streets until further notice

Ryunosuke: 😢 Dad, help?

Chuuya: If I help you, your mother will banish me to the streets too and won't let me fuck him for a year

Dazai: Exactly, so shush

Hirotsu: Dazai, were you by any chance the culprit of that first warehouse fire?

Dazai: No, I would have burned down Mori's office, not a warehouse

Tachichara: Then it's still a mystery who did it

Ranpo: Mysterious mysteries

Atsushi: This is called ✨Unsolved cases✨

Akutagawa: Aren't you detectives? Find out

Ranpo: Aren't you gangsters? Do your job

Yosano: Besides, we haven't received the check with the payment yet, so until I see the money in my account, I'm not going to lift a finger to solve this problem

Dazai: We demand at least 1 million yen

Mori: And what about the money from the lobby you burned?

Dazai: Let Chuuya pay for it

Chuuya: And why me?

Dazai: Because I command you, because I force you, because if don't you sleep on the couch, because I'm going to steal it from you and give it to Mori anyway. I'm not going to use my hard earned money to pay that decrepit old man

Chuuya: Just go to the casino and use that money, it's what you always do when your agency salary doesn't reach you

Dazai: I'm not going to waste my casino money on paying Mori, fuck him. He shouldn't have forced me to leave

Mori: Even if you had stayed you were still going to burn the entrance

Dazai: Yes but you would just deduct it from my salary like when Chuuya and I had to pay for property damage

Mori: True

Dazai: Now I would have to go to the casino and I don't want to

Yosano: Sell Atsushi's organs on the black market

Tanizaki: Good idea

Atsushi: Ugh suddenly I'm sick and I won't be able to go to work tomorrow or ever. I'm quit

Fukuzawa: Atsushi you're not going to quit. Yosano, Tanizaki you are not going to sell anyone's organs. Dazai pay Mori

Dazai: You pay him with a blowjob. I don't owe anything to that man

Mori: Life

Dazai: I owe that to my mother and not to you, and I didn't like that gift 🖕

Mori: I hate my children

Yosano, Ranpo, Dazai and Elise: And we owe you

Chapter Text

Dazai: Merry Christmas

Chuuya: It's not Christmas yet

Dazai: Merry Christmas

Kouyou: Should we start decorating?

Yosano: You haven't started yet!

Kajii: No

Ranpo: There are 4 days left until Christmas

Dazai: Merry Christmas

Ryunosuke: It sounds like a broken record

Gin: Just shut up, he's making you fig cake

Ryunosuke: Let's go to mom's house Gin

Gin: I'm not going to say no to that

Atsushi: Why haven't you started decorating?

Dazai: Merry Christmas

Atshsuhi: ? I'm just going to ignore him

Kunikida: That's what I do every day

Mori: We've been busy

Fukuzawa: With what?

Elise: Killing people

Tanizaki: A

Tachihara: Anyone up for making gingerbread cookies?

Tanizaki: Me

Gin: Gays

Chuuya: Gin, Higuchi is at our house helping Osamu make the fig cake 🤨

Ryunosuke: Lesbians

Atsushi: You eat dick so shut up

Dazai: How delicious I mean Merry Christmas

Chuuya: I'm going to jump out of a window

Ranpo: I'll go with you

Kunikida: Don't jump without me

Yosano: @Mori can I go decorate the headquarters?

Mori: If you feel like it, of course

Yosano: Great, I'll take Naomi, Kenji and Izumi with me

Kanjii: Great, free labor

Kouyo: You're going to decorate too, Kanjii

Q: Oh, I want to decorate too. Mom already decorated our house and I'm left wanting to

Izumi: Of course you can come Q

Chuuya: If you break something, you pay for it

Dazai: Merry Christmas

Chapter Text

Dazai: New year, new suicide

Chuuya: We're already starting

Ranpo: It's not New Year anymore, it's been 10 days

Dazai: Don't let time stop you from fulfilling your New Year's resolutions, kids

Ryunosuke: My New Year's resolution is to eat figs

Dazai: Great

Gin: Mine is to kill Mori

Mori: And what did I do to you?

Dazai: May your goals come true, my girl

Gin: @Mori You still haven't discovered who continues to exploit the warehouses, I almost died if it wasn't for the fact that at the last second a mysterious wind lifted me into the sky

Hirotus: That was An with his ability

Mori: It's not my fault, the people I send to investigate continue to die without telling me who causes such disasters

Yosano: Call a witch

Ranpo: Or someone with an immortality ability

Fukuzawa: Or hire us

Mori: And what you die? Don't even think about it, I prefer the other worthless humans to die

Dazai: So much love 😭 anyway you made me remember that you kill odasaku so I'm going to kick your ass

Mori: In a way I deserve it

Dazai: You didn't let my gay odango be happy 😤

Mori: Sorry?

Dazai: An apology won't save you from my flamethrower

Mori: I better start running away

Dazai and Mori disconnected from the chat

Tanizaki: How about we do some crafts?

Naomi: Shouldn't you be working?

Tanizaki: And you sleeping? I remind you that you're sick, go to bed and sleep now

Naomi: Yes big brother

Naomi disconnected

Elise: The day is slow let's go do some crafts

Q: I'm in

Kenji: Okay :)

Chapter Text

Atsushi: How many years for killed my boyfriend?

Dazai: 9

Chuuya: Why do you want to kill your boyfriend?

Atsushi: It has been without showering for 1 week

Gin: Iugh Ryu, bath yourself

Ryunosuke: I'm very comfortable with my skin

Chuuya: fuck him in the bathtub

Dazai: o Fuck in bed and then wash it for the post -careful

Kajii: Sometimes they are disgusting

Dazai: You just have envy of not fucking

Mori: Yes, but we don't need to know your sex life in the chat

ATSUSHI: I think it will be best to throw it through a window

Dazai: That is the spirit

Ryunosuke: You are a disgust as a person and reject being your boyfriend

Atsushi: Oh shut up emo

Elise: Mori there is a beaver on your desktop

Mori: First ducks, then frogs and now beavers, is it that this person does not get tired?

Dazai: ???

Tachihara: At least they did not use the dart gun with you again

Gin: Again?

Hirotsu: This person is getting bold

Ranpo: They should start paying us to help you

Dazai: It seems like a good plan

Mori: How much do you want?

Fukuzawa: 5 million yen

Kouyou: You do not go cheap

Yosano: It's because we are very good in what we do

Dazai: Well I think we should start investigating in the Bank of Mori

Mori: We're going to pay you, get away from my money

Dazai: No, you owe me financial compensation for my traumas

Kouyou: And here we go again

Atsushi: I'm on vacation

Kenji: Where?

Ryunosuke: Europe

Kunikida: Europe is very big, be more specific

Ryunosuke: For what?

Dazai: gossip

Atsushi: We are in Berlin

Hirotsu: Are you coming? The building is on fire

ADA: 👁👄👁

Fukuzawa: Let's go

Ranpo: surely the culprit wanted to get rid of the tests

Dazai: or It is a pyromaniac

Yosano: Likewise, it's not as if we could turn off the fire

Kenji: no but we can help

Tanizaki: Well 🤷🏻‍♂️

The ADA was disconnected

Chapter Text

Dazai: So I was thinking

Chuuya: That's never good

Dazai: You shut up

Atsushi: What did you think of dazai?

Dazai: I'm glad you asked my special apprentice

Ryunosuke: Ahem

Dazai: You know I love you ryu now let me continue my monologue

Ryu: Okay

Dazai: As I was saying

Kunikida: Why aren't you working?

Dazai: Why is everyone interrupting me? 🙎🏻

Yosano: Because we can

Ranpo: What if we put cameras?

Dazai: That's what I was going to say 😡

Mori: We already have cameras

Hirotsu: And for some reason they never catch the culprit

Kouyou: Maybe he's a hacker

Verlaine: Or smarter than us

Dazai: The dead man revived

Verlaine: Shut up

Chuuya: Let's kill him with a sword

Tachihara: Wow chuuya I knew you didn't like your brother, but don't you think that's going a bit too far

Chuuya: I'm talking about the culprit, not him

Izumi: Well we could always try to set a trap for him

Fukuzawa: How?

Izumi: Maybe put a decoy on him and have him get trapped?

Dazai: Let's set a warehouse for him to blow up, but it's actually a trap

Naomi: Good idea

Ranpo: Let's celebrate with cakes

All: Come on

Chapter Text

Dazai and Ryunosuke's Private Chat

Dazai: Where the hell are you? I've been waiting for like an hour.

Ryunosuke: Oh, sorry, Dazai-san. They ambushed us, and Gin and I kept fighting.

Dazai: And you're telling me this now? People don't respect treaties anymore. I'm on my way there. I have to remind those people that the prodigy demon is something to be feared, and therefore, not to mess with their people.

---

Atsushi: Why the hell did I just walk into my house and find my boyfriend and sister-in-law bleeding on my couch while my dad scolds and heals them?

Dazai: Because Mori decided to send my babies without backup to talk to the Jade group.

Mori: Lie. I told them to take Hirotsu or Kouyou, but they said, and I quote, "We can do it alone. We'll finish quickly and see Mom."

Mori: These assholes don't respect me

Dazai: You don't talk about my children like that.

Mori: I meant my employees in general.

Dazai: Oh.

Dazai: That's true

Atsushi: You're messing up my floor

Dazai: You've spent too much time with Chuuya.

Chuuya: What about me?

Dazai: Nothing, go back to sleep.

Chuuya: Okay.

*Chuuya logged off*

Dazai: What happened is my children were almost killed in battle because the stupid underground forgot that people should fear me.

Kouyou: Well, you were gone for a long time.

Dazai: Do you want me back? 😈

Kouyou: No.

Mori: Yes.

Fukuzawa: You shut up.

Mori: Aren't you going to say anything to your employee who admitted to killing people?

Dazai: I haven't admitted to killing people.

Gin: Mom, you literally killed 2,345 people today.

Dazai: I repeat, I haven't admitted to killing people.

Fukuzawa: Dazai please don't stain Atsushi's sofa

Mori: Is that all you're going to say?

Fukuzawa: To the couch for wanting to tarnish my son's good name

Mori: But-

Dazai: Fuck you 🖕

Dazai: Calm down, dad, I'll pay for a new one

Fukuzawa: Okay

Fukuzawa: Remember we have fencing lessons tomorrow

Dazai: I know, I wouldn't forget Dad

Yosano: How considerate the president is

Ranpo: Dazai killed to protect his children, and the president respects that

Yosano: That makes more sense

Chapter Text

Mori: Why is there a 7 million yen charge on my credit card?

Dazai: I bought an island.

Mori: Why?

Dazai: Why not?

Mori: I hate you.

Dazai: No, you don't :)

Mori: 😮‍💨 No, I don't.

Fukuzawa: Why aren't you working?

Mori: You're not my boss... Ah, he says to Dazai

Dazai: I've already finished my cases

Fukuzawa: There's a new one

Dazai: Give It to Ranpo

Fukuzawa: Work 🙎

Dazai: Okay

*Dazai logs off*

Mori: He never listens to me 😢

Fukuzawa: That's because you don't know how to threaten

Mori: I'm a mafia boss 😠

Fukuzawa: You don't know how to threaten

Ranpo: Dad, Kunikida threw Dazai out the window again

Fukuzawa: Again?

Ranpo: He says he was slacking off and that it's better to do it outside.

Fukuzawa: *tired father sounds*

Mori: Yeah, I guess I don't miss him that much.

Yosano: Shut up.

Elise: Mori, there's a cow at the entrance.

Kenji: It's not mine this time.

Mori: I should have stayed as a doctor.

Chapter Text

Verlaine: So how's your leg?

Kouyou: Fine, just cut in half

Dazai: ???

Chuuya: ???

Izumi: What the fuck?

Atsushi: Should I be worried?

Yosano: Honey?

Kouyou: Dazai decided to play with swords and lost

Dazai: What the fuck are you talking about? I haven't even been with you today

Kouyou: You're sleeping with my brother

Dazai: So? You sleep with my sister and I'm not telling you nothing

Kouyou: Touche

Chuuya: Are you going to tell us what happened?

Verlaine: We were attacked by a mysterious person while on a mission Mori sent us to

Kouyou: And he cut my leg off

Yosano: Do ​​you want me to fix it?

Kouyou: Oh no, thanks, dear. The doctor is already doing fantastically with her ability

Yosano: Okay...

Ranpo: Do ​​you know who the mysterious person was?

Both: No.

Elise: Maybe it's the same one who burned down the warehouse this afternoon.

Mori: I thought that person had stopped trying to incinerate everything I own.

Q: No, he just took a break to turn the Mafia into a zoo.

Fkuzawa: We still don't have anything from that person?

Hirotsu: No.

Chapter Text

Atsushi: Wait, what's the difference between a pederast and a pedophile?

Dazai: The word pederasty is appropriate for sexual abuse committed against children, not pedophilia, which refers solely to the erotic or sexual attraction that an adult feels toward children, even if they don't abuse them.

Atsushi: So Tanizaki is definitely an incestuous person.

Eliseo: Who starts a conversation like that?

Atsushi and Dazai: Us.

Ranpo: 🤦

Kunikida: 😮‍💨

Yosano: Those aren't my relatives.

Chuuya: Sometimes I think I should go to the Bahamas.

Mori: ???

Tanizaki: Hey, we stopped our strange behavior a long time ago.

Naomi: Right. And it was just an act out of boredom and avoiding work.

Tachihara: Good thing, I really thought I was going to have to fight you for Junichiro's love.

Naomi: If you want, you can. On your guard. 😈🤺

Tachihara: Okay. 🤺

*Naomi and Tachihara disconnected*

Tanizaki: 👁️👄👁️

Dazai: Lol

Chuuya: Well, who's hungry?

Gin, Akutagawa, and Q: Me.

Chuuya: Well, your mom's making food. Go home.

Gin, Atsushi, Izumi, Kenji, Q, Ryunosuke, Juono, Teruko, and Techou: Okay :)

Chuuya: 🙇 More people have joined here that I didn't adopt. Oh well 🤷 just put more chairs

*Everyone logs off*

Mori: Do they know they still have 3 more hours of work?

Mori: ....

Mori: GET BACK HERE, IDIOTS. YOU'RE NOT DONE WORKING YET.

Fukuzawa: Nah, you've already lost them.

Ranpo: Come on, I'm hungry.

Yosano: Let's go eat with our little brother too.

Ranpo: Yeah! Let's go!

*Ranpo and Yosano also log off*

Kunikida: Why was I the only one left in the office?

Kouyou: Because Fukuzawa went to eat with Mori at a cafe.

Hirostu: Do you want to come and have tea with us?

Kunikida: Sure, why not?

*The three of them log off*

Chapter Text

Chuuya: Is it normal for your husband to gaslight you?

Elise: ???

Chuuya: Excerpt from our dialogue

"Hey, Dazai, what's Ryuunosuke doing here?" Chuuya asked.

"What are you saying? Akutagawa isn't here," Dazai said.

"Yes, he is," Chuuya said, pointing at his son, who was watching them from the kitchen counter.

"What nonsense are you talking about, Chuuya? Akutagawa isn't here," Dazai said, arms crossed.

"Ryuu, tell him something," Chuuya said, looking at his son.

"I don't know what you want me to say, I'm not here, Chuuya," Akutagawa said, shrugging.

"See?" Dazai said, nodding.

Chuuya looked at the two of them, screamed, and jumped out the window.

Yosano: @Dazai, what do you have against your husband?

Dazai: Everything

Gin: But you married him

Dazai: For his money, dear

Mori: But you have more money than him

Dazai: For his money, Dad

Mori: 🤦🏻‍♂️

Ranpo: That's his code word for being hot

Dazai: He's not hot

Ranpo: Don't lie to yourself

Dazai: Shut up, emo

Ranpo: You're emo

Dazai: Dad! Ranpo called me emo

Fukuzawa: Ranpo, don't call your brother emo

Mori: Kids

Fukuzawa: Your fault

Mori: Always dear

Natsume: There's a kid running around the mafia building with scissors

Dazai: Q!

Mori: Shit

*The three disconnected*

Chuuya: So you're going to admit you were in the building?

Ryunosuke: I don't know what you're talking about.

Gin: We were never in the building today.

Elise: You must have an old mind, Chuuya.

Izumi: Who's picking me up from school today?

Chuuya: Atsushi.

Atsushi: You owe me >:(

Chuuya: I'll pay you for your services.

Yosano: That sounds like a prostitute.

Dazai: Are you cheating on me, Chuuya? I'm asking for a divorce. I'm keeping the kids.

Dazai's kids: I support it.

Chuuya: I'm surrounded by idiots.

Chapter Text

Dazai: Once upon a time, there was a very cute little girl.

Kunikida: What's he saying? Is he drunk?

Ranpo: No, it's Tuesday.

Q: Why is there a cow in the basement?

Mori: What are you doing in the basement?

Q: I got bored and came here.

Izumi: Wouldn't you rather go to a park?

Q: No.

Atsushi: Okay.

Kenji: I took her there. I wanted the place to have more life.

Mori: Did you want the Port Mafia basement to have more life?

Kenji: Yes

Mori: Okay

Dazai: At least we can make steaks

Natsume: Don't eat the cow

Dazai: Party pooper

Mori: I guess the cow stays

Fukuzawa: Imagine having someone as a prisoner there and sharing a cell with a cow

Higuchi: Do you think we can turn it into a new psychological torture?

Gin: And make him think he's imagining the cow

Dazai: I like your thinking

Hirotsu: Dazai, do you want some tea?

Dazai: I'd love to

Kouyou: So we're not going to talk about how we have to take care of a cow now?

Q: No

Atsushi: Shouldn't you be in school?

Q: And shouldn't you be working?

Izumi: It's a school holiday, so we just eat and chat while our parents talk to our tutors.

Tachihara: Is that why Chuuya didn't show up at work today?

Tanizaki: Do you want to go on a date today?

Tachihara: I'd love to, honey.

Naomi: I'm going to leave the apartment.

Yosano: You can come to mine.

Naomi: Isn't your girlfriend going to be there?

Yosano: No, and you can show me how to do those beautiful braids you know how to do.

Naomi: Great.

Q: I'm still in the basement.

Elise: Can't you come out?

Q: I don't want to go out. The cow is friendly.

Kenji: I'll go and help you feed it.

Q: Great. :)

Chapter Text

Dazai: So... why was the mafia warehouse I was in suddenly bombed by a plane?

Mori: What are you doing in a mafia warehouse?

Kouyou: Now that you mention it, someone recently moved all my teas.

Fukuzawa: Do you think the mysterious person attacked again?

Ranpo: We should find a name other than mysterious person.

Kenji: We can call him Eric.

Chuuya: No.

Ryunosuke: That's why no one likes you.

Gin: Boom 😎

Fyodor: What were you doing in a mafia warehouse, Dazai?

Dazai: And what are you doing in this chat room?

Fyodor: I'm bored.

Dazai: Well, Nikolai's going to suck you. End of chat

*Dazai kicks Fyodor out of the chat*

Poe: What were you doing in a mafia warehouse?

Dazai: I went looking for spare parts for a part of my computer, and as I was leaving, the warehouse exploded.

Chuuya: Are you okay?

Dazai: Yes. Don't worry.

Mori: Dazai, do you happen to want revenge on me by blowing up my warehouses?

Dazai: No, I steal money, Chuuya, Ryu, Gin, Q, Izumi, Hirotsu, and Verlaine from you

Fukuzawa: You're right about that.

Hirotsu: Maybe we should go check the cameras.

Q: But those things never record anything.

Kouyou: Well, we have to do something.

Elise: Catch the culprit.

Tanizaki: But if we never succeed, we'll be a laughingstock for the other mafias.

Naomi: F.

Higuchi: This is stupid. We're an elite group of trained mobsters and a bunch of detectives who do this for a living. How can one person just throw us off the scent?

Dazai: Maybe there's a spy

Chuuya: Or it's a ability

Atsushi: I'm going to take a nap.

Ryuunosuke: Atsushi!

Atsushi: What? This isn't my business.

Gin: You're so ridiculous, honey.

Ryunosuke: Gin, don't flirt with my boyfriend.

Gin: I only talk to my brother-in-law.

Atsushi: Good night.

Chapter Text

Dazai: Why did I just see Elise leaving Mori's office with a can of gasoline and matches?

Mori: What are you doing inside the Port Mafia?

Tachihara: Why did I just see on the cameras that Elise is the culprit behind that cake on the ceiling and Hirotsu falling down the stairs?

Gin: Did Hirotsu fall down the stairs?

Tachihara: Yeah, that's why he's on sick leave.

Gin: I thought he was on vacation.

Tachihara: No.

Tanizaki: Why did I just see Elise burning down our apartment?

Tachihara: What are you saying?

Naomi: This girl really likes fire.

Dazai: This may be crazy, but it looks like Elise is the mysterious culprit.

Chuuya: Why are you saying that?

Ranpo: She's a little girl who likes chaos.

Elise: It took you a while to realize :)

Elise: Even when I became an adult, you still couldn't connect the dots, and being taller, it was harder to avoid the cameras.

Mori: Are you the one responsible for my warehouses burning down, my office turning into a zoo, and many other incidents?!

Elise: Yes.

Fukuzawa: Oh, you're so grounded, miss.

Elise: I've been teasing you for two years, and you didn't even notice.

Mori: If you weren't a ability, I'd strangle you.

Elise: You can try ;)

Kouyou: I can't believe it was her all this time.

Hirotsu: This is unacceptable.

Higuchi: All this time, all the pranks, the warehouses, the dart gun. That was all you.

Elise: Yes.

Dazai: You're a son of a bitch.

Elise: Oh, come on, little brother. You would have had fun too if I'd told you what I was doing.

Dazai: I would have, but you didn't tell me.

Poe: Incredible. The ability defeated two geniuses and two powerful organizations before Fyodor.

Elise: What can I say? I'm fantastic.

Yumeno: You're a pain in the ass.