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I (21m) am in love with my roommate and former bully victim (20m)
Throughout most of my life, I harassed nerds just about every school day. This apparently started around the fourth grade, but I wasn’t really doing it on purpose until middle school after my mom left.
It was really bad and I’m not gonna pretend like it wasn’t. I was the king of my school but at what cost really? No friends? No real girlfriend ever? A lowkey alcohol dependence.
I wouldn’t even let my friends date the people they liked and who liked them because it made me face my ‘forever alone’ness.
Anyway. In the first semester of my senior year, I had a near death experience. I entered a haunted house and fell through the floorboards. The only reason I lived was the bunch of nerds who invited me there to prank me. They held me through the hole in the floor for long enough that I wouldn’t be skewered on the busted floorboards. Investigators literally told me that was the case.
I broke a few ribs and my right arm (I am left handed) but overall, I was actually okay. I was alive. Concussed, but alive.
I had to stay in the hospital for six weeks, which my father berated me for brutally, but when I got back to school, everthing had changed.
Everyone seemed so much happier. “Bella” and “Ken” started dating since I couldn’t stop them, one of the nerds (lets call him Ted) started dating my half-sister (didn’t know she was my half-sister at the time, but still), and overall it was just brighter.
Apparently there’d been a rumour I died. My phone broke upon the impact, so I couldn’t message them when I was in the hospital. It’s pretty common in my town for people to die or go missing, it was just sort of something we accepted. “It’s ‘town name,’ people go missing everyday!”
Anyway, seeing how happy everyone was without me there, I decided to get better. Plus, I owed it to those fuckin nerds.
Well, one of those nerds (we’re gonna call him Zeek) was the school mascot at football games. Being benched, we ended up talking. It was mindless chit-chat usually, but he actually helped me talk to someone about getting diagnosed with… well, a bunch of shit, honestly.
We weren’t really friends or anything, but I definitely got along with him better than the rest of the nerds. He ended up joining the swim team too, which was fucking crazy.
Anyway, we ended up getting older and we ended up living in the same house.
(Long fuckin story, but the rundown is, my dad was sexually abusing this guy who took a while to realise it and when he found out I existed he promised I could live in a house he owned after I turned 18. He ended up dating Zeek’s uncle, and he was offered the same house since it was much closer to his college.)
I took care of most of the house stuff when I wasn’t at work, and we’d often eat in front of the TV watching whatever anime he wanted to watch, or some other silly live action shows. I didn’t really watch a lot of tv growing up, so even if it was older stuff I’d never really seen it.
Well, we’ve lived together for over a year now and recently something happened that’s making me think I have a problem.
Something worth noting about Zeek is that he has an identical twin brother. I’ve met this brother a handful of times after we graduated. From a first glance they look the same but after I look at them for a few seconds, I can tell which one is which.
One day, I came home from work to find Zeek on the couch with a man on top of him. They were making out.
I’ve been getting help for my anger issues and my violent streak is fading more and more. There is nothing I wanted more in this moment than to kill this man.
I yelled something, don’t remember what, and they separated. I realised pretty quickly that wasn’t my roommate, that was my roommate’s twin brother. Either that or my roommate was wearing makeup to mimic his brother’s more intense freckles and was making out with his brother’s boyfriend.
Apparently their parents are kind of standoffish about him being gay so when his boyfriend from Sweden (we’re gonna call him Steven) came back into the country, Zeek offered to host them at their house so that they wouldn’t have to pretend to be less touchy. While they were making out on the couch, Zeek was setting up one of the guest rooms so they would have a place to uh… reunite, but they got there early.
I was so relieved when I realised it was Trent instead of Zeek, and I apologised as much as I could for yelling. Trent made a joke about me being jealous and it’s lingered with me since then.
In the past nine months, I’ve learned Zeek’s favourite meals, favourite shows, how to tell if he’s taken his meds or not, when to remind him to take his meds, when he’s had a rough day, even the characters he prefers to cosplay when he needs comfort. I try my best to accommodate these things.
And for a while I thought I was trying to make up for when I bullied him. But recently I realised I just liked learning this stuff and seeing him happy was all I’d ever need to be happy. Even if he found a guy who made him happy I’d live with it so long as he was safe, it was just that my first introduction to this guy would’ve been them making out on the couch without even hearing anything about him.
Trent must’ve noticed the way I talk about, pay attention to and care for Zeek because he started talking to me seriously about me liking him. I can’t believe he pegged it before I did. Trent actually, shockingly, seemed in support of the idea of us. He said something about Zeek being in cheerful spirits since starting college, but that probably didn’t have to do anything with me.
But Steven made a comment about our past and how I used to treat Zeek. It made Trent look really uncomfortable.
Zeek was basically my main victim. He’d always talk back to me, which I really liked. It was way more fun when he’d sass me like that. We still kind of did that now, I still love his sense of humour.
I’ve talked to him many times since moving in together about my guilt toward our high school years and he’s been pretty nice about it. But Steven’s making me think Zeek’s just trying to be nice about it, which makes me afraid Zeek is still scared of me.
Being around Zeek feels like we’ve been friends for years, even though it’s hardly been over a year. He makes me so happy and I just want to take care of him. I hadn’t felt like this since elementary school. But I’m terrified to even be around him now.
It’s killing me. Zeek was always the highlight of my day, but now seeing him gives me anxiety. I never want to hurt him again, and dating him would be so risky.
I can’t keep keeping this in. Trent doesn’t deserve to hear about this. I’ve thought about talking to my half-sister, but it’s not like we’re close. I just needed to tell someone.
Comments:
u/TacoSmell
| Info: Has Zeek shown any interest for you romantically?
Response: u/JagerBomb
| I don’t think so. He’s nice to me, but we do live together and I don’t think I’ve seen him be actually rude to someone. Always that charming attitude.
u/StonerLoner
| Looking at your past posts and comments, it definitely feels like you’re in love with him. This guy seems great, maybe look into asking him out. Maybe not right now, but down the road.
u/Greenberry
| Are you an alcoholic? Your user and mentioned past worries me.
Response: u/JagerBomb
| No, I don’t really drink anymore. Zeek helped me stop, but I still partake in a beer from time to time. So does Zeek though. If I drink, he’ll drink with me at the exact same rate so I don’t get carried away. He’s a total lightweight, so if I drink too much he could get hurt and I don’t want that.
u/OshKoshBsmosh
| Does Steven dislike you for any particular reason? Did you ever pick on Trent tremendously
Response: u/JagerBomb
| No, not really. He’s a theatre kid and those weren’t really who I’d go for. I’d only really go for people who were already ashamed of who they were. Pretty messed up, I know, but I’m really not like that anymore.
u/TheConnerProjection
| Have you always liked Zeek like this do you think?
u/AmandaPines
| Was bullying Zeek a defence mechanism before, or are these feelings brand new?
u/soupandpepper
| Did you know you liked guys before, and is this the first time Steven’s heard about it? It could be that he thinks you’re just trying to control Zeek.
u/timeandspence
| Is it possible that Steven thinks you actually like Trent and you were just trying to cover it up by saying you like Zeek?
4 hours later
Edit: To answer some questions I keep seeing. I have no idea if I liked Zeek in high school. I liked people in high school, but it was more predatory than this is. If I liked Zeek, it was just attraction. Knowing me, if I did like him, I probably bullied him even more to try and get over it, and it just didn’t work because he’s like… actually adorable.
The only way Steven would know I like guys is if Zeek caught on while we were watching something (I’ve made some questionable comments regarding the two younger male leads in The Good Place, and about various celebrities. I wouldn’t be surprised if he caught on before I did) and told Trent, who would’ve told Steven. But I don’t think Steven thinks I like Trent. I’ve never shown a lot of interest in Trent. He’s a theatre kid, which made me uncomfy then and now (it makes me feel so out of my element) and I’ve just always paid Zeek more attention. I understand if Steven is genuinely concerned about Zeek, but we have been living together for over a year and the closest thing I’ve gotten to doing anything violent (verbally or physically) is yelling at him for leaving the stove on overnight, or breaking a pair of tongs when I fucked up a meal. I guess those could be considered extreme, but I really try to keep myself in order at home, and it’s easy when Zeek is my roommate.
Comments
u/loserlover
| I think you should tell Zeek, but mostly because he might be uncomfortable to discover the guy he’s been living with and just gained trust for was apparently crushing on him for a long period of time. They might make him feel unsafe and potentially push him to move out.
Response: u/JagerBomb
| I haven’t really thought of that. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. He does have a pervy friend and he’s talked a lot about her talking makes him uncomfortable. I’m more romantically attracted to him than sexually, but he knows a lot about my past “relatinships” and might assume.
u/HellWater
| I know you said you didn’t want to Trent about it more, but I think you should. Maybe wait until he and his boyfriend are out of the house though.
Five Days Later
UPDATE: I talked to Trent about it more. I told him how I felt and asked what he thought Zeek would think. I don’t even remember the extent of what I said, but there was one thing that Trent paid attention to.
I told him how I hadn’t been that happy since I was in elementary school. That was the last time I had a real friend.
You’ll never believe what he told me.
Zeek is my childhood friend. I had no idea. I knew Zeek was trans, it wasn’t really something I cared much about. Trent said something like “Isn’t it fucking crazy that you’re still in love with him after like 15 years?”
I definitely had a crush on him when I was a kid. Before he was him, back when he was her. My father was in huge support of it when I was a kid, he always played along when people talked about how we’d get married when we were adults.
Zeek would always roll his eyes at the idea of being my little housewife one day, which makes sense now. It’s kind of funny how it ended up being the opposite. Trent was under the impression that I knew Zeek was my childhood friend/crush, but he came to me a couple hours apologising for telling me. Zeek told him that he was keeping it a secret, which… I don’t know how to feel about that. I wish he would’ve told me, but I understand why he didn’t. I still really like him so much. I think he’s avoiding me now though. This does change how I think of him, but not in a bad way, and it absolutely makes his behaviour when we were kids make more sense. My dad would poke fun at him for liking video games just as much as I did, and for wanting to enrol in soccer instead of the junior cheer squad. Whenever my mom or dad would say he looked like a boy he’d smile wider the whole day. Everything makes so much more sense now.
It’s interesting how some things haven’t changed. His favourite pokemon is the same. He has the same food sensitivities. He still hates apple juice and likes strawberry milk. I’d love to do something to kind of remind us of when we were kids, like build a little fort in our living room, but I really don’t want to make him think he’s just that kid again to me. It’s just cool to connect the dots now. Of course I’d fall back in love with this idiot.
I still don’t know how to talk to him about this, even worse now. But I can’t just let this go. I’ve always believed in fate and ghosts and all that spiritual shit, even if I don’t want it to be real. This feels too much like fate, so I can’t just let this go. I don’t know what I’m doing.
Comments
u/TheConnorProjection
| Okay, I don’t think this is real. Too much of a coincidence. Calling fake.
u/loserlover
| If this is real, I still think you should tell him.
u/HellWater
| Glad you took my advice I guess? I think you’re right, this is too much like fate.
u/TacoSmell
| Maybe Zeek wants you to love him for him, which is why he was keeping it a secret. But how did you not know? That’s the only thing that’s making me feel like this is fake.
Response: u/JagerBomb
| His parents went through a divorce after he came out and he took his mom’s last name since she gained custody. Trent used to go to a boarding school, since he was considered academically gifted. He returned to support his brother through the divorce, since their dad and most of that side of the family are homophobic. I’ve met his uncle (from his dad’s side) and I asked about ‘her’ and he said he didn’t know her. Trent’s told me recently that that uncle wasn’t allowed in their life bc their dad didn’t want a bi guy in their life.
Response: u/TacoSmell
| Oookayyy. I’m not sure how true this is, but if it’s real, good luck buddy.
Three Weeks Later
Final Update: I talked to him. At first just to talk about how I view him now. He cried and I got to hold him in my arms. He knows now that he’s just Zeek to me, and that at most, the memories are him now, not the opposite.
I was planning to update a couple days ago, but Zeek made dinner that night and that gave me hope.
It wasn’t crazy, ramen is his specialty, so that’s what he made. It had steak and vegetables in it, and he bought some strawberry shortcake for us to eat for dessert. He apologised for not being able to do more, but it was probably the best night I’ve had in months. We watched My Neighbor Totoro, which was the first anime thing he’d ever shown me back when we were in third grade.
I decided I’d tell him that night. Not on that night, but that’s the day I decided to tell him.
Yesterday I was planning on making a big deal out of it, but when Zeek got home, I was struggling to keep it in already. He changed into his comfy clothes and when he came back into the kitchen I couldn’t help it.
He asked what dinner was and I told him I was in love with him. He said that’s not food. I love him so much. When I told him what dinner was, he smiled, stood up on his toes (he’s short <3) and kissed me on the cheek.
He cuddled closer to me than he usually does while we were watching tv and asked me if I’d want to play portal co-op with him, which is kind of a big deal since he always prefers to game alone.
I think we’re dating now. I’m pretty sure. We’re not too focused on labels because we’re just in our 20s. We’re still young. Maybe after he graduates college we’ll talk about it more, but I’m okay with where we’re at right now. We tell each other we love each other and kissing him makes me feel so fuzzy.
We’re gonna play portal co-op tonight. Don’t know a ton about it, so everyone with Zeek luck with teaching me how the game works. He’s really excited and I’m excited since he is. He said it’s a puzzle game which makes me anxious, but I’m sure he’ll help me.
Thanks for all the help and motivation. I wouldn’t have ever done anything unless I posted here.
Comments:
u/ZeekThrowaway
| You’re such a dork <3 I love you
Response: u/JagerBomb
| Love you too <3