Work Text:
"Why the fuck are you like this?! I just want some fuckin' Tylenol or some shit! Or have you not noticed my fuckin' nose blowin' all day?!"
"I did notice, I just think ten o'clock at night is an awfully odd time for you to suddenly decide to get your medicine and I'm offering to go with you-"
"I don't need a babysitter Al! I've been clean for two months! I'm FINE!"
Even to Angel the argument sounded pretty weak, but he was damn well going to try
"You consented to allowing me to help you stay clean-"
"I'm not gonna use Al!!"
"Then let me go with you, or take the nasal spray I gave you,"
"I hate nasal spray,"
Angel was just gonna dart right past the irony of that and keep going
"Look, it's totally fuckin' unbelievable that I can't even have some Tylenol or some shit, ok?"
"I never said that you couldn't, I said I needed to come with you so I could help you find something that's suitable to your current needs," Alastor reasoned
"Why can't I just check for that myself!? I know what to look for!"
And Angel knew why
It wasn't like that was being kept a secret from anyone, not really
"Angel, you're starting to get agitated-"
"No shit I'm gettin' agitated! 'Cause YOU'RE agitatin' me!!"
Alastor exhaled, placing a hand on his hip like a tired parent, and there was just... just something about that... that really sent Angel over the edge
He didn't even say anything- he didn't have to
Angel just felt.....
Well he had already been irritated, the truth (obviously) was that he had been craving a hit for two days now, he wasn't sure really what had happened, he had been going along fine enough and now all of a sudden the cravings were starting to get out of hand, it had been hard enough to get through it yesterday but then waking up today and finding that it hadn't gone away, that it had only gotten worse....
He really wasn't going to go looking for PCP or any other kind of street drug- really
He just... he just thought maybe if he could get some Benadryl or something- take the edge off....
But Alastor was in the way
And he wasn't fucking moving
And now he was acting like he had some kind of right to make Angel do whatever he wanted just because Angel had been desperate and scared MONTHS ago and had agreed to his fucking demands!! That was not what happened but the craving was making everything else.... cloudy....
He was acting like Angel owed him something, like he had any right to judge Angel he was disappointed, he was annoyed, Angel had started digging his own grave with this entire conversation and now Alastor wanted nothing to do with him anymore and he was just a burden and more trouble than he was worth and instead of trying to go back and dig himself out he was just going to dig himself deeper and deeper in because fuuuuuuck..... he couldn't.... stand being a disappointment again, couldn't tolerate knowing just how much of a burden he really was on Alastor when he already fucking knew-.... he couldn't.... live with causing Alastor so much fucking greif-....
"Ya' know what? I revoke my fuckin' consent, from now on, we're two separate people, I do what I want, you do what you want, I'm done with this babysittin' thing,"
"It doesn't work like that," Alastor stated, so plainly that it could have come off as him being fucking bored
Angel gritted his teeth, narrowed his eyes, and swallowed the tight ball that was forming in his throat
"It works however the fuck I want it to work you fucking asshole goddamn fuckface! It's MY fucking consent! And I have EVERY right to revoke it!!"
"Yes you do- in a clear state of mind, wich this is not,"
"I have PLENTY of a clear state of mind!" Angel shouted, fingers curling into fists, nails pressing sharply into the palms of his hands
"Angel-"
"You just don't wanna let me go! You're just like everybody else, you're just like VAL! You even sound alike! Val, Al, same fuckin' thing right??!"
Alastor's nose twitched, if Angel had been thinking clearly he would have noticed that as a sign of discomfort, but he was a little bit "lost in the sauce" as they say and wasn't paying a great deal of attention to much of anything at the moment
"Well fuck you!! Fuck off! I ain't doin' this shit anymore!"
Angel made a move for the door, but Alastor- almost routinely now- simply stepped in front of him, earning an irritated, aggressive snarl
"MOVE,"
"No," Alastor said simply, earning a fiery glare in response
Angel tried to push past him, to get to the door, to get away from this fucking place and the fucking nanny he never should have fucking consented to having in the first place
He didn't really mean that, but in the moment....
"Goddammit Al!! You and your fuckin' stubborn streak!! I am NOT consenting to this shit!!"
"Then you know what your safe word is," Alastor said simply, placing a hand on Angel's shoulder to keep him back a step, only to have it batted off
And that.... that just pissed off Angel even MORE
Because Alastor was right- he wasn't thinking clearly, he couldn't remember what his safeword was....
"Fuck off!"
"Well that isn't it,"
Angel seethed, pushing Alastor roughly, but Alastor didn't budge, instead smoothly grabbing Angel by the wrists and looping them behind his back to keep him from doing anything else as brash
Angel only growled, frustrated tears starting to prick his eyes as he suddenly fell backwards, wincing as he hit his back on the floor- but it was worth it to get loose
Alastor, unfortunately, had other ideas, and laid on top of him, hands curling around Angel's wrists again and pinning them to the floor
"Get the fuck off of me!!! Goddamn fuckin' abusive prick!"
"You say that now but you'll appreciate this when you're clear-headed again,"
"Bull fucking shit! I'll cut your balls off when I'm clear-headed again! If ya' even have any! Fuckin' goddamn Ken doll down there or some shit probably!"
"Ha, probably," Alastor smirked back, rolling with the punches instead of taking them, wich only pissed Angel off even more
The fact that he had admitted to not being in a clear headspace was neither here nor there
"Fucker!!" Angel spat, kicking upwards, trying to aim his nee against Alastor's groin, but Alastor was straddling Angel's waist and those long legs did Angel no favors in trying to pry him off of that position
Snarling, Angel jerked against Alastor's hands, but when it went nowhere, he resorted to one of his last options, leaning up and biting the living shit out of his roommate's arm
Alastor winced a little, but ultimately....
He didn't fucking BUDGE
"The fuck is wrong with you?!!?" Angel howled, pulling back as he watched, distressed, as blood started to brim up to the surface
"You're not getting away from me that easily dear," Alastor replied simply, though his voice was just a tad strained
"That.... that's fuckin'.... abusive and... and... toxic as shit!!"
"Maybe, but it keeps you alive, doesn't it?"
Angel's bottom lip trembled, emotionally torn somewhere between frustrated and... and..... kind of sad.... and a little guilty...
"Why do you care so much?! Why do you care if I'm alive or not?!?"
"Well I think I've said this before, but I'm really quite a selfish person, you and I are kindred spirits you see, and I... don't want to lose that, I don't want to go back to being alone like I was before,"
Angel huffed quietly, pointedly looking away and closing his eyes, although he lost just a little bit of the tension he had been holding onto, atleast
"...Yeah, that's pretty selfish...." he agreed quietly
Like everything else he had said in the past ten or fifteen minutes, he didn't mean it
"I'm aware, I've never been an altruist or anything like that," Alastor added with a small smirk
"Great Alastor, altruist, helping the meek, unexpecting there's a price I will seek...."
"...Did you just call me meek?"
"Hey, I came up with that on the spot- give me some credit," Alastor laughed, wich was..... actually enough to make Angel laugh too
The anger was starting to fade just as quickly as it had come on, but.....
As the anger faded.... the real misery only just began....
Expression turning down into a look of despair, Angel glanced at the bitemark on his freind's arm and then immediately looked away
"...I'm so sorry.... I... I didn't mean to bite you..."
"Yes you did, but I expected as much, I know that isn't the real you cher,"
"How?" Angel wispered
"HOW do you know that ain't the real me?"
"It's just the drugs," Alastor shrugged back easily
"I have experience, I know that addicts don't mean the things they say and do during mood swings- atleast sometimes,"
"...I thought.... you didn't have any experience with addicts?" Angel frowned, earning a genuinely surprised look from Alastor
"Did I say that some time before?"
"Several times,"
"Oh..... you know what? You're right... I don't, this is just second hand," he shrugged
Angel may not be totally clear headed yet but he knew a fucking lie when he heard one
.....So why didn't Alastor sound like he was trying to lie...?
...
A problem for another time, Angel decided
"....You shouldn't.... want me ya' know..."
"Sweetheart, you can say that about nearly everything I want- and everything that I do, for that matter," Alastor chuckled softly
"I'm not detoured,"
"...But why? WHY, no matter what I do to you, no matter how awfull I am... why do you just keep fuckin'.... keeping me alive...?!"
"Didn't I just answer that?" Alastor pointed out easily, leaning down and gently pressing his forehead against Angel's
"I don't want to go back to being alone Angel, and you.... well, it's as I said, we're kindred spirits, truthfully darling I just don't think I'll ever meet anyone else quite like you, so.... I will do anything it takes not to lose you, and if that means making you hate me, then.... you'll hate me, but atleast it will keep you alive,"
"....You need some kinda freind or somethin' pal,"
"What do you think you are?" Alastor laughed in return
"...Nah...." Angel said quietly, glancing away, shoulders sagging
"I'm.... not a good freind to try to keep, trust me...."
He had experience with that...
Alastor huffed, his grip tightening just slightly
"Sweetheart, look at the situation would you? Do I seem like some sort of paragon of freindship to you?"
Angel sniffed a little, giving a half-hearted shrug
"Ya' seem pretty good at it to me.... I'm just.... I'm just so sorry...." he finally wispered, voice breaking, cracking like radio static
"Sweetheart, you don't need to apologize,"
"Al, I fuckin' bit you! And not in a sexy way! And I said.... like... really awfull shit!"
"It wasn't that bad,"
"I called you a Ken doll 'cause ya' ain't into sex and I compared you to Valentino! That's as bad as it GETS!"
"I've had worse,"
"Stop shrugging this off and actin' like this is ok! It ain't ok!!"
"No, it isn't, but it's expected, you were an addict for years Angel, that isn't just going to go away because you've been clean for a couple of months,"
Angel huffed, shifting uncomfortably underneath him, but Alastor didn't move an inch
Instead, he only sighed, rolling his shoulders a bit and readjusting his grip
"I don't much care for cats, I'm more of a dog person-"
"Is this leadin' into your way of callin' me a bitch or somethin'?"
Alastor sputtered, choking on his words
"What-....? No!!!"
"A pussy?"
"No, you little psychopath,"
Rich coming from him, but ok
"Listen, my point is.... I'm not a cat person, but... when I lived in New Orleans, I had a feind who rescued them, she would pay for them to get fixed, pay their vet bills, and get them into no kill shelters and foster homes, one evening on my way home, I saw an injured cat on the side of the road, I wasn't going to just leave the poor thing, so I got out of the car and picked her up, nearly lost an eye, I was bitten five or six times and scratched countless more, but you know what?"
Angel, unable to imagine where the point of this story was, only shook his head
"I never blamed the cat,"
....Ah.....
The point emerges
"She was just a frightened animal in pain and probably having had few good experiences with people, she was just trying to survive, lashing out was her survival tactic,"
"So you're callin' me a feral animal?"
"I'm calling you wounded and afraid," Alastor corrected
"And the cat wasn't feral, just abandoned,"
Right
Just abandoned
"My point is that if you think I went into this believing I would get out any easier than I did with that cat, you're absolutely crazy,"
Angel.... exhaled, eyes closing breifly
"...I..... I don't know Al... I knew this would be rough but... I guess I just... expected it to be worse physically than emotionally... and.... I'm not... usually much of an anger person, I'm more of like... a depression and sometimes anxiety person? So I guess I'm just.... not really used to losing my temper so much...."
"It's bound to happen given the circumstances," Alastor shrugged with near criminal casualness
Angel swallowed hard, no longer having the energy to argue- or to fight for that matter, his wrists going limp under Alastor's hold
"Are you ready for me to let you go now?"
Angel sighed, nodding slowly and closing his eyes as Alastor let go and carefully lifted off of him
The loss of weight was..... disappointing....
But Angel slowly sat up anyway, feeling.... totally drained
"Why don't you let me make you some soup? I'll add a little spice to help clear your sinuses, nothing too hot though, I promise,"
"No that's ok, I don't want food,"
"Let me rephrase that- you're going to eat something I prepare for you, is soup alright or would you like something else?"
...Ah....
"..Y-Yeah, that's fine," Angel squeaked back a bit shyly, face turning a shade pink
"Good, after you eat, I'll put you under for a little wile, we'll see if we can't get that itch to soothe a bit,"
"Is that.... really the best idea?" Angel asked quietly
"I mean, I don't wanna get dependent on you for that sorta thing, or.... anything, for that matter...."
Was it just trading one drug for another if that happened?
Sure, hypnosis wouldn't slowly kill him like the drugs would, but it felt like Angel was just trading one addiction for another, except that this one, he couldn't shoot up by himself, he needed Alastor to feel the releif that came from falling under his steady spell of mental adjustment, and in a way, wasn't that even more dangerous? Being dependent on a person instead of a drug?
Angel knew that dependency, the stench of Valentino's smoke tickled his nose just thinking about it
"I'm aware dear, don't worry, I won't let that happen, I'm more carefull than you seem to think, besides, if it's what keeps you alive, then I think it's worth the risk, don't you?"
Did he?
Did he think it was worth.... anything..... to keep him alive?
Why?
"Oh by the way mon cheri, would you like to turn on that drag program you like so much? I'm starting to become quite fond of it myself, I'd like to see the next episode,"
"Really? You?" Angel asked in absolute astonishment
"Yes, well, what can I say? I'm evolving," Alastor grinned back
Angel was quiet for moment, watching him head into the kitchen and following him right after
What keeps you alive
Those words rang in his ears, an echo behind every word
What keeps you alive
Alastor smiled and held his hand out for Angel
What keeps you alive
Angel inhaled
What keeps you alive
Exhaled
What keeps you alive
And took his hand