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“Dad!” Charlie practically skidded into Lucifer’s office, wild-eyed. “Something’s wrong with Al!”
Lucifer rolled his eyes. “That’s new, how? I’d be more surprised if nothing was wrong with him. What’s he up to now?”
“He’s acting really weird. I went to the garden to cut some flowers for the lobby, and he was out there eating them.”
Confused, Lucifer asked, “Eating them? Like in a salad? I know he likes to do that occasionally, just to be fancy.”
“No,” Charlie replied, looking puzzled. “He was eating them right off the plants. He wasn’t even picking them, just leaning down to bite them. When I went over to him, he snorted at me, sort of scuffed the ground with his boot, then took off running while flipping his tail.”
“This, I have to see. That’s bizarre even for him. Come on - let’s go find him.” Lucifer headed out to the lobby in search of his partner, Charlie in tow, only to stop dead in his tracks.
Charlie nearly collided with her father. Annoyed, she snapped, “Dad, what are you doing? I almost knocked you… what are you looking at?”
Lucifer silently pointed to the large, fluffy pink and white figure scaling the wall behind Reception.
Charlie called out, “Angel?”
The spider ignored her as he scuttled over the second floor railing and headed up the wall to the third floor.
Bewildered, Lucifer and Charlie glanced at one another, then turned their attention back to Angel in time to watch him reach the corner of the ceiling and strip off his suit, dropping it to the lobby floor.
“What’s he doing?”
“I don’t know, Char, but I hope like Hell that he isn’t trying to do what I think he is - oh, shit. He is.”
“Is he - is he making silk? With his butt?”
“Yep. I think he wants to make a web.”
“He can’t do that!” Charlie spluttered. “We just painted that part of the ceiling!”
“Well, that wasn’t really what I was worried about, but you have a point. Personally, I’d prefer that he didn’t string something he literally pulled out of his ass all over the place, because, yuck.” The angel headed towards the bar. “Let’s ask Husk if he knows what his boy toy is doing. Husk! Where are you?”
They heard a crash from behind the bar, then another, and another.
Lucifer barked, “Husk! Where the fuck are you?”
“Um, Dad? He’s right there.” Father and daughter stared in disbelief as their bartender crawled along the highest liquor shelf, methodically pawing at each bottle until it fell off and smashed on the floor.
Lucifer facepalmed. “He’s breaking the top shelf bottles, because of course he is. Why smash the cheap swill? HUSK!”
The feline paused just long enough to hiss at his audience, then resumed his shelf-clearing.
Thoroughly pissed off by this point, Lucifer snarled, “What the fuck is going on around here? Is this some sort of joke? It’s not funny, you assholes! Shit’s expensive, and I don’t want to be covering…” The angel’s rant was cut off by a shout from outside in the courtyard.
“Charlie! Sire! You need to get out here now!”
“Vaggie? We’re coming!” Charlie raced for the front entrance, Lucifer hot on her heels.
As they burst through the doors, Vaggie yelled, “Over here! It’s Alastor! He tried to jump the fence and got stuck!” The Radio Demon was dangling by his coattails from an ornate spike atop one of the hotel’s decorative fences, kicking his legs and snorting in fury.
Amused despite himself at his partner’s predicament, Lucifer made a mental note to burn the security camera footage to a DVD once all this ridiculous bullshit was over.
He’ll be so pissed off - I’ll get full body massages for years if I threaten to show that on movie night.
Reluctantly shelving the pleasant thought of an evening under the demon’s strong, capable hands, Lucifer focused on what Vaggie was saying to Charlie. “I was out here washing the windows when Alastor came bounding from around the side of the hotel and headed for the fence. I yelled at him to stop, but he tried to leap over it anyway. Asshole nearly made it, too. He could have cleared it without that stupid coat. I went over there to get him down, but he swung those damn antlers at me and tried to kick me, so I left him there. What’s his problem, anyway?”
“We don’t know,” Charlie replied. “He was eating my flowers earlier, and I must have spooked him, so he took off. He’s not the only one acting weird, either. Angel is inside pooping out a web onto the ceiling, and Husk is knocking bottles onto the floor. I have no idea…”
Vaggie interrupted her. “I think Alastor just freed himself! Yeah, he did. Why is he running out onto the road? There’s a car coming!”
Charlie shrieked, “Al! Move! You’re going to get hit!”
The demon stood frozen in the middle of the road, seemingly hypnotized by the headlights of the oncoming vehicle.
“Fuck!” Lucifer unfurled his wings and shot over the fence. He swooped down and grabbed Alastor around the waist, hauling him up and out of the way as the car thundered by, its driver blaring the horn and screaming, “STAY OFF THE FUCKING ROAD, ASSHOLES!”
The demon kicked wildly and attempted to gore the angel with his antlers until Lucifer thumped him between his ears, growling, “Cut the fucking shit or I’ll mount your fucking head on the wall, you dick!” Alastor gave up the struggle at that point, hanging limply in Lucifer’s arms as they flew straight through the hotel’s doors, Lucifer yelling to the girls to get inside and lock the door to prevent further escapes.
None too gently, Lucifer dumped his burden in the middle of the lobby and sat on him, pinning him to the floor. Panting from exertion, the angel glanced over at the bar where Husk had finished destroying the liquor and had moved on to the glassware. Shaking his head in annoyance, he looked up at the ceiling. Angel had managed to build himself a creditable web, and was now lurking in the middle of it.
“Fuck,” Lucifer said. “Now I know what’s going on. It’s the Animal Moon.”
Charlie asked, “The what?”
“Animal Moon. It happens every few years, when the planets align during a full moon or some such shit. Stolas has explained it to me a couple of times, but I still don’t quite get it. Anyway, it causes any sinner who has an animal form to revert to their animal’s behavior. So, Husk is knocking glasses over like a cat, Angel is shitting webs, and this dipshit” - he smacked Alastor on his chest, eliciting an aggravated snort - “is acting like a deer and doing everything possible to get his dumb ass killed.”
“So, what do we do?”
“Nothing. They’ll be back to normal tomorrow, and then they can clean up their messes. You can ignore them or grab a few videos for Sinstagram or whatever. As for me, I’m going to take advantage of the situation.”
Curiously, Vaggie asked, “How, Your Majesty?”
Lucifer grinned impishly. “Like this.” He snapped his fingers and assumed the form of a rather lovely little blonde doe. Coyly wagging his fluffy little tail, he booted Alastor in the side with one delicate hoof, cooing, “Come on, big boy.” The deer demon sniffed the air and, snorting, scrambled to his feet. As Lucifer bounced towards the stairs, Alastor in hot pursuit, he called back over his shoulder, “Have a good night, kids! Don’t wait up for us!”
Charlie groaned. “What’s wrong, babe?” Vaggie asked.
“I really wish my dad would stop giving me new things to talk about in therapy.”