Work Text:
Cheng Xiaoshi is falling.
He’s plummeting towards an unknown abyss, memories dotting the sky and the very space around him. He falls and he falls, flashes of past dives calling out to him as he reaches terminal velocity.
“Emma, eat well…”
“Chen Bin, come home soon…”
“I should have told you I loved you back then…”
“I’ll see you soon…”
The last voice causes Cheng Xiaoshi to snap his head up. This was the dive he conducted that afternoon. He could still feel the ease that settled over him as he confessed his client's love to the young woman with a pink blouse and hair that fell to her waist. He could still see her smile, dimpled and bright. The last rays of the evening sun ghosted over his skin as he watched her car pull away from the driveway, and that had felt like a job well done.
Dread settles in Cheng Xiaoshi’s stomach as he watches the dive play out in front of him, reality settling in like morning frost killing spring’s first flowers. He knows what will happen next; he knew before he and Lu Guang clapped their hands. The thunderstorm. The slick roads. He knows this, and yet, in vain, he reaches out an arm.
“NO!” he screams, but only choked silence emerges from his mouth. “NO! NO! Turn around!!! Come back!!! It’s dangerous!! Please!!!”
But the car drives off, towards a place he can no longer reach, and Cheng Xiaoshi can only fall, fall, fall.
—
“No…no…please…don’t…”
Cheng Xiaoshi tosses restlessly in his bunk, mumbling to himself as he toes the line between fitful sleep and waking. He barely registers a certain someone climbing down the ladder and sitting by his side.
He feels a hand on his thigh, and Cheng Xiaoshi jolts awake, flinching at the contact. It takes a moment for him to notice Lu Guang watching over him, his gaze concerned.
“Lu Guang….”
He nods solemnly. “Nightmare?”
“Y…yeah…” Cheng Xiaoshi sits up, dazed.
“Breathe.” Lu Guang places his hands on Cheng Xiaoshi’s shoulders, catching the other’s frantic gaze. “Breathe. In…out. In…out. Good.”
Cheng Xiaoshi draws shuddery breaths, eyes darting around the room desperately, searching for something, anything. The two of them breathe in tandem, Lu Guang’s steady grip on his partner an anchor for Cheng Xiaoshi. His hands wander to clasp Lu Guang’s as the initial panic slowly dissipates from his trembling body.
“Water?” Lu Guang asks, rubbing gentle circles into Cheng Xiaoshi’s shoulder blades.
“No,” Cheng Xiaoshi shakes his head, tightening his grip on Lu Guang’s hands. “...maybe later.” His gaze falls. “Lu Guang…stay,” he whispers meekly. “Please?”
He knows how desperate he must sound, how broken and pathetic the words tumble out of his mouth. But Cheng Xiaoshi cannot bear to let Lu Guang slip away. He can’t bear to submit to sleep once more, to risk plummeting into nightmares again.
Lu Guang nods, his expression softening. Wordlessly he lifts up the covers and lies down next to Cheng Xiaoshi.
Cheng Xiaoshi meets Lu Guang’s gaze, another desperate, silent plea. A beat of silence passes before Lu Guang reaches out his arms and pulls him close. The smell of sandalwood fills Cheng Xiaoshi’s nostrils, the familiarity and sheer comfort almost making him weep.
Silently Lu Guang pats Cheng Xiaoshi’s back, his way of saying “Do you want to talk about it?”
Cheng Xiaoshi shrugs. “It was about the dive today. Same old, same old.” He tries to sound nonchalant.
Lu Guang simply gives him a look.
“I tried telling her to get out of the car. I wanted to say that there was a storm coming. But I couldn’t speak, and she drove off…and…”
“Cheng Xiaoshi,” Lu Guang mumbles, and Cheng Xiaoshi can’t help the tears that begin to pool in his eyes.
“It just…it feels so real to me…” Cheng Xiaoshi chokes out. “All of it. Every time I dive…every time I become someone new…I hold that with me. Lu Guang, where do I put all of it? Where do I put all of their pain?”
Lu Guang doesn’t answer for a moment, simply choosing to hold him. “We do what we do knowing we can’t alter nodes,” he says, “but we are able to give peace and closure. That’s the best we can do.”
Cheng Xiaoshi wants to retaliate, he really does, but his heart is raw and aching. Lu Guang’s arms around him are the only thing keeping him from utterly collapsing at the seams. He reaches up to wipe his face, but Lu Guang reaches out a hand and swipes the tears on his cheeks.
“Cheng Xiaoshi.”
“Hm?”
“Is this too much for you?” Lu Guang’s tone is unbearably soft.
It makes Cheng Xiaoshi’s heart break. “Is what too much?” he whispers.
“The dives. The more intensive or traumatic ones. I know they give you trouble sometimes…and if it’s taking such a big toll on your well-being, I don’t think it’s such a good idea to keep taking them on.”
Cheng Xiaoshi shakes his head, burying his face into Lu Guang’s chest. “It’s not too much…it’s just…sometimes…it’s…”
How could Cheng Xiaoshi ever explain this sensation to Lu Guang? Feeling everything the client feels, every physical pain and every emotional heartbreak, every triumph and tragedy? The way each client etches itself into Cheng Xiaoshi’s soul, incisions so deep they leave him tortured, bleeding, burning. He shuts his eyes tight as tears stream down his cheeks and onto Lu Guang’s t-shirt.
“Cheng Xiaoshi,” Lu Guang’s voice cuts through Cheng Xiaoshi’s racing thoughts. “If it’s too much for you, we can stop taking those kinds of requests–”
“No,” he blurts out, lifting his head up. “We can’t just stop. We have bills to pay.” Cheng Xiaoshi breaks out into an uneasy smile. “The more traumatic dives pay more anyways. If we want to eat anything other than instant ramen, there’s no other choice.”
Lu Guang frowns. “That’s not what I meant–”
“Lu Guang,” Cheng Xiaoshi says, gripping his tear stained shirt, “I don’t want to stop taking on those dives. I really don’t. We have to; I have to.”
The declaration rings out through the quiet night, Cheng Xiaoshi’s watery yet determined eyes meeting Lu Guang’s concerned ones.
Finally, finally, Lu Guang relents. “Alright,” he sighs, reaching up a hand and combing his fingers through Cheng Xiaoshi’s hair. “We’ll keep taking them on. But you have to promise me something.”
“Depends on what it is.”
He hums. “You have to tell me when you’re having troubles. And you have to let me help you.”
Cheng Xiaoshi’s expression falters as he wrestles with the different thoughts churning in his head, the residual nightmare clinging to his memories. He’s so preoccupied that he barely registers Lu Guang gently guiding him to lay down on his chest, tucking him safely under his chin.
It takes him a moment to process his new position. “...Lu Guang…”
“If I can’t convince you to stop,” he murmurs, “the least I can do is be here for you when things are tough.” Lu Guang resumes carding his fingers through Cheng Xiaoshi’s locks, his touch gentle and unflinching.
Cheng Xiaoshi lets out a half-hearted chuckle. “You’re being awfully forward. You’re never this touchy with me.”
It’s true. Lu Guang’s normal tone of voice is dry, sometimes sarcastic, borderline stoic. But the way in which he’s gazing upon Cheng Xiaoshi, nothing but care and concern in his eyes, tells Cheng Xiaoshi that in this moment, and perhaps in the many other nightmare instances throughout the years, Lu Guang has been aching to break free of his dry demeanor. “Only because I know you won’t ask.”
Curse Lu Guang’s attentiveness. “Is this really okay?” Cheng Xiaoshi asks, his voice small.
“Is it helping?” he counters.
Most anything is better than a nightmare, but Cheng Xiaoshi would take being in Lu Guang’s safe embrace over at least a million other things. “It is.”
“Then it’s okay.” The finality in his voice makes Cheng Xiaoshi let out a shuddered sigh. Lu Guang tightens his embrace before pulling the covers over them. “Comfortable?”
Cheng Xiaoshi simply nods in response, melting into Lu Guang’s warm touch.
“Get some more sleep,” Lu Guang says. “We still have a few hours before we need to be up.”
Sleep sounds tempting, but the thought of nightmares causes Cheng Xiaoshi to curl up. “...I don’t know if I can,” he mumbles. “But you can go back to sleep if you’re tired.”
Lu Guang shakes his head. “I won’t leave you to suffer alone.”
His words make Cheng Xiaoshi’s heart twinge. “I’m not alone. You’re here now.” He rests his head on Lu Guang’s chest, listening to the thumping of his heartbeat. “I’ll manage.”
“I’m not tired.” His tone is softer this time as he glances out the window. The night sky is still dark, a few stars peeking out from wispy gray clouds. Rain patters gently against the window, calm and soothing in an easy, steady rhythm. Lu Guang begins humming a song, something he’d heard long ago, as he rubs Cheng Xiaoshi’s back in time to the music. Slowly, slowly, tension seeps out of Cheng Xiaoshi, memories and nightmares dissolving into the night air as they make way for Lu Guang’s embrace. They stay there for a while, the world hushed and quiet just for them, wrapped in each other’s arms with only the stars to keep them company.
Cheng Xiaoshi closes his eyes, committing Lu Guang’s touch to memory. “You’re very comforting, Lu Guang.”
The compliment makes him freeze momentarily. “As long as it helps you,” he replies. The nervous timbre of his voice makes Cheng Xiaoshi chuckle.
“It does.” He yawns and nuzzles himself further into Lu Guang’s chest. “Somehow you’re always able to bring me back.”
Whether it be from a dive or a nightmare, Lu Guang is always there, holding out a hand for comfort. Whenever he threatens to wander from the right path, Lu Guang is there to be his guiding way. His partner’s incessant rules and concerned looks and the thud thud thud of his heartbeat against Cheng Xiaoshi’s ear are a lifeline, and Cheng Xiaoshi could not be more grateful.
Lu Guang is quiet for a moment. “Of course,” he finally answers, as if there were no other answer than that. He mumbles something else, but Cheng Xiaoshi is already asleep, finally at ease within Lu Guang’s embrace. Lu Guang follows not too long after, the two of them drifting away into a peaceful sleep far away from nightmares’ reach.