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It’s when he realizes this is the closest he’s gotten to a hug in thirteen years that the dam breaks.
Jane probably hugged you, his brain supplies, that can’t be right.
The thought only makes it worse.
Mr. White’s quiet. He doesn’t try to move him again, lets him cry. Jesse feels him pat awkwardly at his hair and feels a knot settle in his stomach.
When they do finally leave, Mr. White carries him.
He falls asleep in the car.
He wakes up to Mr. White shaking him. He groans, sits up, hits his head on the roof of the car. Mr. White automatically reaches out to cradle his head. “C’mon Jesse.”
They’re not anywhere familiar. Jesse must say as much out loud because Mr. White explains, “It’s Saul’s apartment. I figured you didn’t want to stay at your place, so I gave him a bonus to stay there tonight.”
Jesse wants to say thank you. He can’t tell if he does, because Mr. White doesn’t say anything else.
As he’s opening the door, Mr. White says, “I’m checking you into rehab tomorrow. Saul knows a nice place.”
Jesse doesn’t know how to respond to that. He leans against Mr. White instead.
Saul’s apartment is nicer than any place Jesse’s ever stayed since his aunt Jenny died. Mr. White throws the keys on an endtable by the door and half-carries, half-leads Jesse to the bedroom.
He puts Jesse in bed, turns him on his side. Jesse remembers Jane and must start crying, because Mr. White doesn’t leave. Stands there and rubs Jesse’s shoulder.
“I’ll be on the couch if you need me,” Mr. White says after a few minutes.
Jesse shakes his head, but it’s dark, Mr. White probably can’t see him well enough. The hand drops from his shoulder.
“No!” It’s the first thing Jesse actually hears himself say in hours. He put all the force he could into it and and it still comes out sounding cracked and small. “I need you, okay? Stay here.”
Mr. White stands there. He doesn’t say anything. After a while, he sits down on the floor, his back pressed against the side of the bed.
Jesse hadn’t meant that, but he’s too tired to explain. He drops his arm off the side of the bed and latches onto the sleeve of Mr. White’s shirt. He tugs weakly, hopes Mr. White gets the message.
“Jesse...” Mr. White sounds frustrated, tired. Jesse drops his hand. He feels guilty.
Nothing happens for a few seconds, and then Mr. White gets up and walks to the other side of the bed. He takes off his shoes and lies down on top of the blankets. Jesse feels a stab of panic at the thought of him leaving once he falls asleep.
Jesse rolls over, wriggles around until he’s pressed up against Mr. White’s side. He doesn’t know what to do with his arm, so he drops it on Mr. White’s chest.
Don’t leave don’t leave don’t leave
“I’m not going anywhere, Jesse. Get some sleep.”
Jesse doesn’t want to sleep. He’s been sleeping all day. Last time he fell asleep next to someone he loved, he woke up and they were dead.
“I’m gonna be here when you wake up and we’re going to take you to that rehab center, okay?”
Jesse doesn’t want to get clean anymore. He doesn’t have anyone to do it with. He doesn’t deserve it.
He feels Mr. White shift around for a second, and then there’s a hand petting through his hair again. “Just get some sleep, Jesse, please.”
Jesse shakes his head, but even as he does he feels his resolve slipping. This bed is warm and comfortable and even after all the sleeping he’s done today he’s still so tired.
Jesse falls asleep to the sound of Mr. White breathing.