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“Why is it sticky?”
“I'm more concerned about where this liquid is coming from.”
“No, but why is it sticky.”
“Lobelia.”
“Don't Lobelia me, Bilbo Baggins.”
“Lobelia Sackvi-”
“Finish that word, I dare you.”
Balin pressed a knuckle to his lips and did not say a word. They had followed the wizard's rune, directing them to this strange hole in the ground where their Burglar supposedly lived. They had followed the wizard's instructions, to arrive only a few at a time. They had expected a fellow who knew his business and would agree to their Quest, as he had been informed by the wizard ahead of time.
They had not expected to be knocked out and trussed up when they arrived at the door. Nor did they expect two Burglars when only one had been mentioned.
Balin did not think they were married. They were far too violent for that. Or perhaps all hobbits were so violent with their spouses? But rumor did not back that thought up at all.
Balin had been the second to arrive. The second to be knocked out. He had come to quick enough, while it looked as though poor Dwalin was still out cold. And strangely sticky. He rather agreed with the female hobbit on that one. He'd watched as the others came, one after the other, even as he slid his hands out of his bonds but made no move to surprise his attackers. The hobbits looked rather frazzled as it was.
“Oh, I think I've found it. Water skin! Thank goodness, I was getting worried.”
“You are absolutely disgusting.”
“No, you're disgusting.”
“ Bilbo .”
“Oh, were we fighting fair?”
“I am going to shave your toes.”
“ Lobelia .”
Balin was rather confused about the argument but he was definitely leaning more towards siblings at this point. Still, the wizard had said nothing about the Burglar having a sibling. Or a wife. So what, exactly, was going on here?
“This one is rather pretty.”
“He's barely an adult.”
“Oh, what a shame.”
Balin tried to sit up but found that the ropes about his upper arms were tied too tight for him to do more than wiggle. He thought they might be talking about one of the princes, but he wasn't sure.
There was a knock at the door. Balin squinted as he saw the female – this Lobelia but Balin felt rather horrified to use her Name, perhaps he could call her Mrs. Baggins instead – was the one to answer, her fluffy yellow dress swirling about her knees.
Balin had been taken aback by that umbrella in her hands. Thorin, it seemed, was as well. “You're late ,” she said, pointing it at Balin's king.
“Who are you? Where –”
“Guests who are late do not get to ask questions!”
“How dare – mmnph !”
Balin watched, arms still trapped by tight ropes, as his King was summarily whacked over the head with the blunt end of that umbrella, while the male hobbit, this Bilbo, stuffed a...was that a radish? Into Thorin's mouth. Balin's king went down like a sack of potatoes.
“Well that was rather anti-climatic.” Lobelia had her hands on her hips.
“Do help me move him into the parlor.”
“I'm not touching that.”
“Lobelia.”
“Fine. But you get the whiskey. I want to disinfect my hands after.”
“Yes, yes, now lift – Lobelia don't drop his head like that!”
It wasn't until they had Balin's king set up by the fireplace – quite nice of them, Balin thought, when he realized that Thorin was rather damp from the light rain – that the two hobbits realized he was awake.
“Oh, dear,” said Bilbo.
Lobelia hefted her umbrella and narrowed her eyes.
“Good gentle-hobbits,” Balin began.
Lobelia lifted her umbrella higher.
“I am beginning to understand that our presence here has come as a bit of a shock, now, lass, gently, please, I'm noenemyhere –”
“You,” said Lobelia. “Were going to accost and kidnap my cousin.”
Balin blinked open one eye that he had squeezed shut in preparation to being smacked by that umbrella again. “I beg your pardon?”
“It is not given. You,” that umbrella was pointed at his nose. “Were going to accost and kidnap my cousin.”
“...No?”
“Yes.”
“No,” Balin said again. “There was an agreement.”
“What agreement.”
“The wizard –”
“You,” Lobelia turned on Bilbo, finger pointed. Bilbo blinked back at her, hands up and expression innocent. Balin also noted that their Company was coming awake in fits and starts, and that both Dwalin and Thorin were watching the two hobbits closely.
Interesting.
“I told him no thank you, Lobelia. You know that.”
“But you didn't run him off the lane, now did you?”
“Lobelia, I'm not about to run people off the lane! It's not mine to usher people off of!”
“You're the Baggins of Bag End! Of course you can!”
“I can not.”
“Can too.”
“Can – I'm not having this argument with you. Again.”
“And that is why we're in this situation in the first place.”
“Um,” said Ori, drawing everyone's gaze to him. “Can you please untie me? I think I might be sick.”
“ Not on this carpet,” Lobelia growled. Between her and Bilbo they got Ori up – still tied – and out the front door just in time for poor Ori to lose the contents of his stomach.
“There, there. I'll go get you some tea.”
“Bilbo do not leave me out here with – oh, for the love of little green apples.”
Balin glanced at his King but Thorin's gaze was trailing after this Bilbo, while Dwalin's gaze hadn't left the door where this Lobelia was still waiting with Ori.
Even more interesting.
Bilbo seemed to realize that they were all awake when he came back through with a teacup balanced on a fine saucer. “Oh dear ,” he said as he looked around. “Lobelia!”
“It's been sick again.”
This Bilbo frowned and started forward once more, teacup rattling as he went. “Do not call that young one an it , thank you. Mind your Manners.”
“ He splattered onto my feet.”
“Terribly sorry, ma'am,” Ori did sound quite pathetic.
“I didn't hit you that hard. Why are you so delicate? I thought you were a dwarf.”
“I am, ma'am. I've just had a bit of a knock, before.”
“Oh.”
“ Oh .”
“We should get –”
“Is it in the...?”
“Second cupboard.”
“Right, take him, I'll be back in a shake.”
Balin caught sight of Lobelia stalking back into the hall and then she was gone down deeper into the hobbit hole.
“This way, Ori. You'll be right as rain in no time.”
“...How'd you know my name?”
Which was, Balin realized, a very good question.
Then they appeared, with Bilbo wedged under Ori's arm. Bilbo guided the young lad to a seat next to the fire – and Thorin – and got a pail to put in Ori's hands. “Just bear with it for a moment. Lobelia! Did you find –”
“Do stop shouting at me. I had to wash my feet.” She reappeared with a bag of something in her hand.
“Of course you did. Do not ,” they glared at each other when she went to smack him. “Thank you,” Bilbo said as he held out his hand. He winced when she slapped the back into it. “So delicate, as always.”
“I can always leave you here,” she leaned in, teeth gleaming in the firelight.
Bilbo leaned back. “And go where?” They stared at each other. Then the moment was broke by Ori's dry heaving. “Oh, sorry Ori. Here, chew on this.”
“Chew on – mmph! ” The hobbit had stuffed something into Ori's mouth without so much as a by-your-leave.
Balin was feeling really rather strange about all of this.
“How,” rasped Thorin. Both hobbits turned to look at him, neither jumping or startled at all. “Do you know Ori's name.”
Bilbo looked at Lobelia. Lobelia looked at Bilbo. Together they brought up their hands, one laid flat, the other in a fist. Balin watched as they shook their fists three times and Lobelia's hand went flat while Bilbo's stayed curled.
“Drat,” Bilbo sighed.
“Ha,” Lobelia pointed at his nose. “Sucker.”
“I said –” Thorin began.
“You,” Lobelia turned on her heel, leaning over Thorin, though even sitting he came up to her rather ample chest. “Are a Guest. A Guest with no Manners. A Guest who was late . You,” she leaned down so she was nose to nose with him. “Shut up.”
Balin felt both eyebrows go up when Thorin shut his mouth with a click.
Bilbo pinched the bridge of his nose. “Lobelia. It is a perfectly reasonable question.”
“ Manners .”
“Yes, fine. It's a hobbit thing,” Bilbo dropped his hand to look at Thorin. “To answer your question.”
Thorin opened his mouth. Closed it. Squinted at them. “What?”
“See? Terrible Manners.”
“You did hit him rather hard, Lobelia. Perhaps he is concussed.”
“At least he isn't sticky. Like that one – oh look, he's awake. Why are you sticky?” Both hobbits turned to look at Dwalin.
Balin saw Dwalin swallow as he stared up at Lobelia. “I have no idea what is going on.”
Lobelia threw her hands into the air. “Are they always so useless?”
“Well we do have them at a bit of a disadvantage.”
Then the eeriest thing happened. Balin was about to break in, to attempt to clarify matters, when both hobbits went still as stone, their heads turning as one towards the door. Balin had heard nothing that would indicate such a reaction. Then both hobbits started to growl . Balin felt a distinct chill go down his spine. He saw Ori clutch at his bucket, mouth still chewing on whatever the hobbit had shoved inside. Both Thorin and Dwalin were watching the hobbits with wide eyes.
“The wizard ,” the hobbits whispered as one.
“I'll get the –”
“With the –”
“And the –”
“ Yes. ”
Balin watched as they turned as one and literally vanished in front of his nose. He heard noises as though they were walking past him but he could not even see the carpet move under their feet.
A knock came at the door. Then Balin heard the wizard call, “Bilbo? Bilbo Baggins? Is this how you treat guests –,” then there was a yelp and the sound of a heavy body hitting the ground.
Then, just as Balin felt the world start to tilt about him as the sheer insanity of the past hour began to hit home, he heard Lobelia say, “Well, I don't think we killed him, but if we did would could always dress him like a hog and try to cure the meat. We haven't had such fare in a dog's age.”
Ori noisily lost the contents of his stomach. Balin redoubled his efforts to free his arms. Thorin tried to stand and fell back against the wall, clutching his head. Balin also thought, as he wiggled free of his bonds, he might have heard a pair of laughs come from the porch, but that was for later, when they were all trussed up once again and both Bilbo and Lobelia were sitting on a furious wizard while reading the contract they had somehow pulled from the depths of Balin's robes.
Nothing, absolutely nothing was making sense. And, Balin feared as the two hobbits made copious notes on the contract but still had travel packs set up by the door, that insanity was just going to get worse as their Quest went forward.