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Knox Overstreet was not gay. He couldn’t be. In his 20 years of life, he only had crushes on girls. He has had multiple girlfriends during that time. At least that’s what he told everyone. His only serious relationship was with Chris, and it ended last year. But the reciprocation was not the point now. He was the romantic in their group. He was loverboy Knox. Girls were throwing themselves at him from left to right. (Okay, that wasn’t necessarily true, but he liked to think that.)
All this meant that he was straight, right? Right. Because if it didn’t, he was going to lose his goddamn mind.
Knox was, at the moment, sitting in the library with the whole group studying. Well, the others were. He just stared at his notes, unseeing and not comprehending the words. One might ask the reason for his current state and it was thanks to a certain Charlie Dalton. Earlier, he had suddenly got up from his seat and exclaimed that he was going on a date with a girl and that sadly (read, extremely happily) he had to leave the others behind.
That information turned Knox’s insides upside down. He suddenly wanted to go with Charlie and tell that girl that she was not good enough for his friend and that she could knock it off. He was angry. Why, he couldn't tell. Or rather wouldn’t dare think about it.
“Everything okay over there?” Neil’s voice brought Knox back from his dark thoughts and he looked up. The other boy looked at him curiously, and as he glanced around, he noticed now the whole group’s attention was on him. Great.
“Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t it?” He tried to play it off as cool. In his humble opinion, he did an excellent job. Judging by the look Neil gave him, however, he wasn’t fooled.
“You just look like you want to murder someone,” he pointed out casually. Knox stiffened and attempted to rule his facial expression into polite indifference.
“I’m fine. Law is just boring, that’s all,” he lied. The others seemed to have accepted his answer and turned back to their respective studies. Neil scrutinised his face for some long seconds then nodded and continued to quietly recite the lines he had to study to Todd.
Knox let out a relieved breath. His thoughts were confusing him to no end. He didn’t have the capacity to explain them to anyone. Hell, he didn’t understand anything.
He peeked over his open book and watched the interaction between Todd and Neil. They were facing towards each other, knees touching. Todd was looking at the other boy like he hung the moon while he spoke the lines of Macbeth. He was completely lovestruck. The way they acted so freely and casually around each other spoke volumes of their relationship. Knox was a bit envious of them. He wanted a relationship like theirs himself. Regardless, he smiled. He was happy for his friends. They deserved each other.
A sudden loud explosion near them made all of them jump and the boys whipped their heads towards where the voice came from. Meeks and Pitts looked at them sheepishly, the remnants of their machinery scattered around them in bits. There was smoke coming from it.
“What have you done?” Todd asked, horrified.
“Oh god,” Pitts breathed, white as a sheet, and began trying to pick up the mess. The librarian’s steps began nearing them. Mrs. Johnson was the most feared woman on campus. There was a rumour that she once caught a guy eating near the books and she managed to make him be banned from the restaurant he’d bought his sandwich from. Other people said she once chased a girl out of the library while throwing her precious books at her. So yes, it was understandable why all of them froze at her voice in horror.
“That better not be what I think it is,” her voice rang in the otherwise deadly silent room. Nobody dared to speak. It was a miracle she hasn’t banned the group from the library yet. Knox wasn’t sure it wouldn’t happen now, though.
“Oh shit, run guys!” Neil whisper-shouted and sprung up, scripts in one hand and holding Todd’s arm in his other while they bolted from the couches. Knox quickly followed after them, Pitts and Meeks running in the other direction, leaving the remains of their project behind. Cameron just stared at them, confused, his noise cancelling headphones still on. Knox just got a glimpse of his face when the realisation hit and he caught the moment Cameron noticed the nearing doom of his life. Knox turned away. He was pretty sure he was able to speak his way out of the situation while ratting them out at the same time. He wasn’t worried for him.
When they burst out through the library doors, they were all heaving from the exertion and laughter.
“Did you see Cameron’s face?” Meeks was panting, laughing and slapping his hands on his thighs. They were all a giggling mess and quickly headed out, afraid of being caught.
“I pray for his soul,” Todd said solemnly and they burst out laughing again. Mrs. Johnson was not something to joke about. Knox couldn’t wait to tell Charlie what happened. He was going to have a field day with this.
The thought of the other guy brought his sour mood back immediately. He stopped on his trek.
“I’m gonna head back to my dorm I think. Still have to finish this,” he motioned with his book. “See you guys later.” They all shouted a ‘Bye Knox’ and continued their way to get some food.
Knox arrived at his shared room with Charlie and after stepping in, he leaned back against the door and took a deep, calming breath. He really wasn’t in the mood to study, so he just crashed down on his bed and put his headphones on. He hit play and the familiar tunes of the ‘80s began playing.
He definitely wasn’t thinking about Charlie. Or the way his lips curved in a smirk. Or how his eyes shone with mischief every time he got an awful idea of a prank. Knox had to admit, Charlie was fit. The soccer practice he attended every week helped him keep in shape. Knox thought back to summer, when all of them once went to the beach. How Charlie’s skin looked wet from the cool water. His dishevelled hair. His-
He gasped and opened his eyes. He tore the headphones off his head and lay in his bed, gasping for air. He didn’t just fantasie about his friend now. Not like this. No, this was completely normal for friends to do. He was straight. Of course he was. It was just his brain playing tricks on him. It must have been from all the exposition of queerness around him. Yes, that’s right, he was only thinking about this because most of his friends were queer. He wasn’t though. He needed a distraction, and he needed it now.
Knox got up from his bed, not daring to glance at Charlie’s side of the room. He wasn’t sure why, he just didn’t want to see any reminder of his friend now. He walked to his desk and sat down, pulling a clean sheet of paper in front of him. He began writing.
Dead Poets Society, we call ourselves
But what if the only death I want is by your side.
The only poetry I will write forever is my love for you.
Black letters upon a white page,
two contraries that once upon a time
brought a Society to life.
And like the seasons, we came back.
But what happens when I find myself
between the black of the ink and the white of the paper?
No one ever wrote about that.
About what happens next,
when instead of choosing one
over the other,
black over white,
day over night,
art over science,
sun over rain,
you simply exist in between.
Women over men
or men over women.
He spent the bigger part of his afternoon scribbling on papers. They were poems, of course they were. Knox was aware that his poetry wasn’t good. He knew that he would never be on the same level as Todd, who was the embodiment of modern Walt Whitman. That wasn’t the reason he wrote, though. He didn’t want to get better at it. It was just the only way he could cope with his feelings, to process everything happening in his life. The Dead Poets Society helped him in so many ways. He got to know many amazing people, and he learned how to express himself freely.
While in this state, he wasn’t paying attention to what he was writing. He let the words come out of him, let his mind work on its own. When he deemed the poem finished, he sat in front of it, staring dumbly at the lines. Why did he write this?
He was completely lost in his own mind so he didn’t notice when the door to the room opened behind him.
“Hey,” greeted Charlie. Knox jumped and let out a manly shriek. He spun around in his chair and stared at the intruder who lived with him. Charlie burst out laughing at the expression on Knox’s face. “You look like you saw a ghost,” he managed to say in between fits of laughter.
“Very funny,” Knox grumbled and crossed his arms in front of him in not at all a childish manner. “You scared the shit out of me.”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” said Charlie after he calmed down. Knox stared at him in surprise.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you apologise for something like this before,” he remarked suspiciously. He narrowed his eyes.
Now that he looked at the other man closely, he noticed the not so right lilt of his lips, the strange way he held himself. All of this was of course invisible to anyone who didn’t live with Charlie Dalton himself. After two years of sharing a room with him, they were so attuned to each other it was scary to the others. Not once has Cameron pointed out the creepy way they seemed to be able to read each other's minds. Of course it wasn’t mind reading. It was plain and simple, really. They knew each other so well it wasn’t really surprising they noticed the slight changes in the other’s behaviour. It was normal for friends.
“Are you alright?” he asked, letting a slight concern enter his voice.
“Yeah, ‘course,” Charlie shrugged out of his jacket while giving Knox his best ‘everything is alright’ smile. It wasn’t quite real.
“How was your date?” Knox asked curiously. There have been instances where Charlie came back from a particularly bad date. He never talked about them too much, though. Knox swore to god if this girl hurt Charlie he was going to-
“Meh. We didn’t click,” Charlie answered and plopped himself down on the bed. On none other than Knox’s bed.
Knox tried very hard not to let relief show on his face and said, “I’m sure you’ll find someone eventually.” He tried to cheer him up. Charlie just looked at him thoughtfully.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” he said lowly, still searching the other boy’s face. For what, Knox couldn't say. A strange tension filled the room and Knox didn’t know what to do. He started fidgeting with his fingers, a tick he picked up back in elementary school.
The way Charlie was looking at him unnerved him. His heartbeat picked up and he could feel his face start heating up. He licked his lips and noticed how the other’s eyes tracked the movement. Charlie was about to say something when Knox cut in and exclaimed.
“I need to go. Do some things. See you later,” he managed to say before he stormed out of the room, not waiting for Charlie to reply. He missed the baffled and disappointed look on the other’s face.
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That small interaction changed everything. At least most things. Knox started avoiding Charlie as much as he could. He skipped lunch with the other poets and studied either in the library or in a cafe alone. He even made up an excuse or two about not feeling alright just so he didn’t have to attend the poets’ meetings. He didn’t want to face his roommate. He didn’t want to repeat what had happened a week ago. He didn’t want to face his feelings or give the other boy fake and wrong signals. This was just a phase, everything would go back to normal eventually, Knox was sure of it.
He was just reading through his essay in a corner of a local coffee shop when suddenly someone appeared in front of his table and sat down on one of the chairs. Knox looked up angrily, about to reprimand the person who had disturbed him, but he immediately calmed when he saw it was just Neil.
“Hey,” he greeted his friend.
“Mind if I join you?” Neil asked, an unreadable expression on his face.
“Sure. What’s up?” Knox asked, curious.
“I was just gonna ask you the same question. Are you all right?” And there it was, the worrying Neil Perry, the friend who you can’t hide a secret from, no matter what. Knox gulped nervously.
“Yeah, ‘course. Why?”
“Charlie said you’ve been avoiding him. Has something happened?” Knox mentally kicked himself. Of course Charlie told Neil what happened. Or at least what Knox was doing. They were childhood friends, after all. He desperately tried to search for a good and not at all suspicious answer.
“He said that? Weird, I’m not avoiding him at all. It’s just schoolwork. You know how it is.” The excuse sounded fake to his own ears. Neil levelled him with an unimpressed gaze.
“It’s not just Charlie. You skipped two meetings in a row and you barely come and eat with us. Seriously, what’s up?” God, Knox was screwed.
“I’m, okay, really. And I told you guys I was sick,” he lied through his teeth.
“Knox, you’re one of my closest friends. You can tell me anything,” Neil reassured him honestly.
The desire to tell him suddenly overwhelmed Knox. He wanted to tell him everything. His doubts, his confusing feelings. The fact that he was coming to a realisation he was too afraid to inspect too closely. He wanted to discuss Charlie .
“I,” he started, unsure of how to continue. Neil looked at him encouragingly, his brown eyes wide and honest.
Then a big group of students entered the cafe, making a ruckus and being generally obnoxious. Seeing his hesitancy and looking around their surroundings, Neil got up from his seat.
“Come on, we’re going on a walk.” He offered his hand to Knox and he nodded and stood up as well, packing away his stuff.
They exited the shop. It was early autumn, so the weather was still warm enough that a jumper was suitable to keep one warm. While they walked down the busy street, Neil was telling Knox a tale of him and Todd. He looked disgustingly in love as he talked. Knox grinned widely.
“You really love him,” he commented. Neil turned his head towards him and smiled a small, shy smile.
“I really do,” he admitted. “What about you? Anyone you’re interested in?” he asked slyly. Knox stared stubbornly ahead of himself, not daring to look Neil in the eyes.
“No, there is no one,” he answered. There couldn’t be.
“Are you sure? Because you and-”
“Yes, I am sure! There is nobody I’m interested in and I am fine with that!” Knox suddenly exploded. He really didn’t want to have this conversation right now. He changed his mind. It was stupid to even think about it. It was nothing. It was wrong. His feelings would pass and he would return to his old self, chasing some girl with his poetry. He was imagining it all, there was no point in addressing it.
Neil regarded him for a moment. “Alright.” He thankfully dropped the topic. Knox relaxed, only now realising how he had tensed up.
“You should talk to Charlie though. He’s been pretty lost as to why you’re acting like this,” Neil advised. “He’s been quite a mess.” Knox felt guilt forming in his stomach and took a calming breath.
“I will,” he promised. He hated being the one who was hurting Charlie. He would talk to him today.
They spent the next few minutes in silence, both lost in their own thoughts.
“Oh, I just remembered,” Neil exclaimed. “Ginny said during the last rehearsal that she’s throwing a party next Saturday. She invited all of us.” Knox perked up at that. He loved parties. And parties meant free alcohol, dancing, and preferably karaoke.
“Sweet. We’re going, right?” he asked, just to be sure.
“Why of course,” Neil grinned at him and they spent the rest of their afternoon wandering in the city, buying some essentials here and there.
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Knox was climbing the college stairs to his room. Neil was right, he needed to talk to Charlie. He knew he was being unfair by avoiding the other boy, and he hated fighting with his friends. He stopped in front of their door. By the blaring rock music coming from within, he was sure Charlie was in. Knox took a steadying breath and stepped in.
His roommate was lying in bed, this time on his own, his eyes closed, concentrating on the music. He didn’t notice Knox coming in. Seriously, they needed to pay more attention to their surroundings. Anyone could walk in.
“Charlie?” he tried calling out. Charlie opened his eyes in surprise.
“Knox? Hey,” he scrambled up and turned off the music.
“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Knox started. He suddenly became nervous from the sheer intensity in the other boy’s eyes. He shut the door behind him.
“Alright.” Charlie nodded. He had all of his attention now.
He gingerly approached the bed and sat down next to Charlie. He cleared his throat.
“Sorry for avoiding you.” Charlie looked at him surprised, but didn’t say anything, letting Knox finish his speech.
It was rare, seeing him like this. Many people believed him to be too brash and insensitive, but Knox knew better than anyone that it wasn’t true. He knew Charlie Dalton could be caring and supportive in situations like this. He really lov- No, absolutely not. He was not about to go down that path. Knox started fidgeting with his fingers.
“I guess I just wanted to say that I’m kinda going through something. And, well, it’s hard,” he admitted. “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Never you. He didn’t say that.
Knox glanced at the other and what he found took his breath away. Charlie was looking at him in such an open and understanding way Knox couldn’t look away. His gaze was soft and he looked at Knox like he was something precious. He felt his heart beating hard. He was wondering whether the other boy could hear it. Their eyes locked and time seemed to slow down. Charlie was the first to look away.
“It’s okay. Thank you for telling me,” he said honestly. “And Knox?” He stopped for a moment. “You know you can tell me everything, right?” God, Knox was about to faint.
“Yeah, yes,” he croaked, suddenly finding speaking hard. There was another moment of charged silence when neither of them said anything, just searching the other's face. Knox had no idea what his face was telling Charlie. He was the one who broke the silence.
“Do you wanna continue The Mandalorian?” he suddenly asked with a wide and very Charlie-like grin. Knox immediately relaxed. It seemed like everything was normal again.
“Sure.”
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The week went by quickly and mostly uneventfully. Yes, on Monday Charlie did hit the fire alarm just to get out of writing an exam, and Neil got suspended because he got into a heated argument with one of his professors about Oscar Wilde, but that was kind of normal for them. Knox was honestly surprised neither Pitts nor Meeks had blown up anything after the incident in the library. Todd was his usual quiet and observing self. Sometimes, Knox caught him staring thoughtfully at either him or Charlie. It was quite unnerving. And Cameron only complained about 75 percent of his usual amount.
Everything was going great. Knox was really starting to feel like himself again. The group hung out almost every other day, and he and Charlie have been on really good terms. There weren't any strange or heated moments between them either. Knox wanted to be happy about that, he really did. But even he couldn’t convince himself that moments like these made him excited. Charlie made him want things he knew he would never get and should never want.
But he was fine.
“Do you think this shirt will do?” Charlie turned towards him, an expectant expression on his face. They were getting ready for the party Ginny was throwing at her place. Knox glanced up from putting his tie on. His eyes widened in shock. Charlie was wearing a hot pink shirt with white polar bears dancing on it. His trousers were black and hugged his long and muscly legs quite nicely. There were red rimmed sunglasses on his face as well. For what, Knox didn’t know. It was October, for god’s sake. His hair was tousled just the right way. Knox wanted to run his fingers through the locks. ‘They must be soft’ he thought. He shook himself out of his thoughts.
“You look ridiculous,” Knox deadpanned. Charlie grinned.
“Perfect.”
Knox turned back towards the mirror, still trying (and failing) to knot the tie. He swore and suddenly, Charlie appeared behind him. He was close. Too close.
“Let me help you with that,” he murmured and grabbed Knox’s tie in his hands, pulling Knox with it. He let out a surprised yelp. The proximity took him by surprise and Knox found himself holding in his breath. He was so close. Knox could smell his perfume. It was such a Charlie scent, it made Knox dizzy.
He was slightly taller than Charlie so he couldn’t see the other boy’s eyes. He was suddenly overcome by the urge to lift up his hand and card his fingers through Charlie’s brown hair. He didn’t, though. Charlie’s fingers grazed his exposed throat and really, it shouldn’t make Knox feel like this. It was just Charlie, for god's sake. ‘Yes, it is Charlie,’ his brain supplied, unhelping. He was getting hot. He really hoped his friend didn’t notice the state he was in.
“Aren’t you nervous to go?” Charlie suddenly asked and looked up at Knox. They were so close, even closer than before. If Knox tilted his face just a little bit lower-
“Knox?” he asked again. He physically jumped.
“Um, no? Why would I be?” He was really confused. Why would he be nervous? He was nervous at this moment all right. Charlie still hasn’t moved, his hands stilling for just a moment.
“Chris will be there,” he mumbled and looked down again at the tie. Oh, right. Chris, his ex.
Knox tried to find it in himself to feel any kind of anxiousness, but he couldn’t. He has long moved on from the girl and they were on good terms.
“No, I’m fine,” he admitted honestly. Charlie murmured something that sounded like a ‘good’.
“There, you’re good to go,” he suddenly stepped back, his voice going down an octave. He cleared his throat and turned his back towards Knox to sort through his stuff. It might have been his imagination, but Knox could’ve sworn he saw the other boy blush. Knox blinked, trying to shake himself from whatever reverie he had gone.
“Thanks,” he quickly said. A weirdly uncomfortable silence filled the room. It felt like there was something between them, but neither of them wanted to articulate their thoughts.
Knox was about to say something to diffuse the tension when the door burst open and Neil stepped in the room, the others in tow. Knox sent a thankful prayer for his friends.
“Are you guys ready yet?” Neil asked excitedly.
“Aye, we are,” Charlie replied, matching the enthusiasm. He smirked at Knox. “Knoxios just couldn’t tie his own tie,” he joked, a teasing glint in his eyes. There wasn’t a trace of what happened mere minutes ago. Knox rolled his eyes at his antics, but deep down he was glad that Charlie moved on from earlier.
Cameron popped his head through the door and stared at Charlie, horrified.
“What on earth are you wearing ?” he asked incredulously and the whole room burst out laughing.
They crammed themselves in Pitss’ car and started towards Ginny’s apartment. The ride was chaotic as usual, Charlie and Cameron bickering all the way. Everyone was honestly used to it at this point.
They exited the vehicle and went up to the front door to knock. It was an impressive house, they could admit. Ginny welcomed them and the whole group entered. The party was already going, students around their age dancing and talking.
“Knox, hey! Hello guys!” a cheery and familiar voice greeted them. Knox turned and came face to face with Chris. He smiled back.
“Hi Chris. How are you?” he asked politely. The girl came closer and hugged him. Knox didn’t protest and put his hands loosely around her waist. The others went their merry way after saying their hi’s. Except Charlie, who stayed next to him for some reason.
“I’m great! I hope you are, too.” She stepped back, giving Knox another dazzling smile.
“Yes, I am, thanks.” A short and awkward pause entered where neither of them said anything. There was an insistent tug at his sleeve and he glanced back at Charlie.
“There is a karaoke machine,” he said excitedly, his eyes shining in delight, although Knox could see something was bothering him. He paid it no mind. “We should totally sing something,” Charlie exclaimed.
Knox sighed, faking being put upon. “Alright, let’s go.” He turned back to Chris. “Well, it was nice to see you. We’ll see each other around,” he smiled at her again and she nodded in agreement.
“I need a drink before we sing,” Knox said to Charlie when they parted, laughing. He loved karaoke, but there was no way he was going to sing in front of this many people sober. Charlie nodded his agreement and they followed the other poets to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
The night was going fantastically. There was a pleasant buzz inside Knox. The alcohol he drank has made its effect. He has spent most of his time, surprisingly, with Chris. It was truly nice to catch up with her. He learnt that Chris was now single, but had her eyes for a certain party host. Knox couldn’t fault her, Ginny Danbury was quite exceptional.
“And what about you? Are you with someone?” she asked. They were standing by a wall, observing the crowd. Knox could feel his face heat up.
“Um, not really,” he said eloquently. Chris raised her eyebrows.
“That doesn’t sound like the truth.”
“It’s complicated,” he admitted.
“They don’t like you back?” she prompted.
“It’s not like that. I mean, they probably don’t. It’s just, I don’t know,” he trailed off. Chris put a hand to his shoulder.
“You don’t know what?” Knox mumbled something, but it was too quiet to understand. Chris leaned in closer. “What did you say?”
“I said I don’t know if I like him,” he immediately realised his mistake and fumbled to correct himself. “I mean, I don’t know if I like her. I like a girl, obviously,” he laughed a fake laugh. He sounded pathetic. Maybe drinking was a bad idea.
She looked at him apprehensively, a certain glint in her eyes, like she knew something Knox didn’t.
“Knox I,” she started. That’s when he saw them. Charlie was pushing a pretty girl against the wall, making out passionately. His hands were running up and down her body, his mouth claiming hers hungrily. Knox felt his heart clench in his chest and he leaned against their wall.
Seeing his crestfallen expression, Chris looked at him in alarm and turned around to see what he was watching. Realisation dawned on her face and when she looked at Knox again, she grimaced and hugged him.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. Knox let her hug him, but he didn’t move. Of course Charlie has found another one night stand. Perhaps she was going to become a girlfriend, even. But why was he feeling like this? He should be happy for his friend, no? The tears that ran down his face said otherwise.
“Let’s get you something to eat,” Chris said softly and took his hand as she led him into the kitchen, away from the horrible sight. He immediately reached for a beer and took a large gulp.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Chris warned, her expression concerned.
“I don’t care,” Knox said flatly and exited the room. He knew well he was about to make a mistake.
After the beer and some shots of vodka, Knox could barely feel the heartache. It wasn’t even a heartache. If it were, he would be in love with his best friend. Which he was not. He was starghit, for god’s sake.
He hasn’t seen Charlie since he saw him kissing that girl. He didn’t care. For all he cared, he could be banging her. Who cares? Caring was stupid.
Knox made a beeline toward the karaoke machine. He was about to put on a goddamn performance. He was gonna sing his heart out, and nobody could stop him.
He grabbed the microphone and stepped (more like wobbled) onto the makeshift stage. The first chords of the song started and he took a deep breath, then started singing.
I wasn't jealous before we met
Now every woman I see is a potential threat
And I'm possessive, it isn't nice
You've heard me saying that smoking was my only vice
Everyone screamed as they recognised the ABBA classic. Of course they knew it. Everyone loved the band. He sang with all his might.
But now it isn't true
Now everything is new
And all I've learned has overturned
I beg of you
Knox hit the last note perfectly and the crowd went wild as the refrain came. He was surprisingly good, even while drunk.
Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me
Out of nowhere, Charlie of all people, appeared and took the mic right out of Knox’s hand. He wanted to shout at him in outrage, but he found himself unable to utter a single word as Charlie sang the lyrics without missing a beat.
It was like shooting a sitting duck
A little small talk, a smile, and baby I was stuck
I still don't know what you've done with me
A grown-up woman should never fall so easily
He stared at Knox the whole time.
I feel a kind of fear
When I don't have you near
Unsatisfied, I skip my pride
I beg you, dear
At the end, Charlie threw himself down on his knees in front of Knox. The people were screaming and laughing at his being dramatic. Knox couldn’t help the smile that appeared on his face.
Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me
Don't go sharing your devotion
Lay all your love on me
Knox couldn’t let Charlie steal his spotlight, so after the refrain ended, he grabbed the microphone and began singing again. This time, he was the one staring at Charlie.
I've had a few little love affairs
They didn't last very long and they've been pretty scarce
I used to think I was sensible
It makes the truth even more incomprehensible
Charlie meanwhile had stood up again, and he leaned in close to Knox.
'Cause everything is new
And everything is you
And all I've learned has overturned
What can I do?
They sang together, their gazes interlocked.
Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me
Don't go sharing your devotion
Lay all your love on me
Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me
As the song ended, everyone erupted into deafening clapping and cheering. Knox could faintly hear their friends’ whooping, but he was too transfixed by the boy in front of him. God, he looked beautiful.
Charlie seemed to be at a loss for words, too. His eyes were shining, his hair sticking to his sweaty forehead, and his face was flushed red from the singing. Knox couldn’t tear his eyes away from the other boy.
Then, he suddenly remembered the scene from earlier and quickly looked away, and without a word, he stepped down from the stage. He heard Charlie shout after him, but he ignored him. That bastard. How could he? Singing a love song with him after shoving his tongue down on a girl’s throat. What was he thinking? He clenched his hands into fists.
Knox desperately wanted to get out of here. He suddenly felt nauseous, the world swimming in front of him. Chris was right, drinking that many shots was a really bad idea.
He stumbled and crashed next to the wall. It was the one Charlie had made out with the girl. He felt another surge of dizziness. He steadied himself with his hands and looked around the room, trying desperately not to vomit. Nobody was paying any attention to him. Except a certain blond girl who was making her way towards him, a worrying expression on her face.
“Knox, are you all right?” she asked, concern etched into her features.
“Yea, ‘m fine,” he slurred. He tried to focus on her face, but found it nearly impossible.
“I don’t think so,” she said and looked around searching for someone. When she spotted Neil, she waved her arm vigorously to catch his attention. Neil glanced at her and then to Knox, and immediately began making his way towards them.
“Knox, are you okay? What happened?” He looked at Chris for an answer.
“I think he’s had too much to drink. He should probably go home,” she suggested. Neil nodded and wrapped his arms around Knox’s waist and began steering them towards the front door. He glanced back for a quick thank you for Chris.
“Let’s get you home, buddy,” he mumbled into his ear. Knox was grateful for his friend. He really didn’t think he would’ve been able to get home by himself.
Neil managed to gather the group and the whole load of poets were now huddled together in the small car.
Todd was driving, since tonight he was the trip sitter. Everyone was silent in the car, either too tired to say anything, or noticing the tension in the air. Knox was fighting the urge to puke his guts out. He was in the front, thankfully. He didn’t know if he’d be able to sit next to Charlie now.
When they arrived at the dormitories, everyone crawled out and said their goodnights to each other. Knox was dangerously wobbling on his feet. He was about to plant face first into the concrete when a hand around his waist saved him from his untimely demise.
“Careful,” Charlie mumbled next to his ear. Knox shivered and tried to get away. It was a weak attempt, and so the other boy dragged his friend up the stairs without any incident. When the pair entered their rooms, Knox immediately fell onto his bed and buried himself in the blankets without saying a word.
Charlie shut and locked the door behind him and silently walked into their bathroom. When he emerged, Knox was fast asleep.
Knox’s night went the following: he passed out immediately when his head hit his pillow. After about an hour, he shot up and staggered to the bathroom and emptied his stomach. The next one hour was spent puking while hugging the toilet for dear life. Charlie woke up somewhere in the middle and stayed next to Knox, rubbing soothing circles on his back and whispering sweet things in his ear. When he felt better, Charlie gave him a glass of water and an Aspirin. After that, lights out.
Knox woke up again to a splitting headache. At first, he didn’t know where he was. He weakly flailed his hands in his bed and tried reaching for the cup of water on his nightstand. He noticed a white pill next to it, and with still closed eyes, he gulped down the delicious liquid and the painkiller. He sighed and plopped down on his bed again.
“Good morning, Knoxious,” a too cheery voice said. He let out a grunt that didn’t sound like a word at all. The voice chuckled. “How are you feeling?” he asked more softly.
Knox managed to open his eyes slightly and he stared at Charlie in front of him, sitting in his bed.
“Why are you good?” He stopped. “No I mean, why am I bad? How are you feeling okay?” He managed to get out. Charlie smirked, but even in this state, Knox could tell that he was worried about him.
“I didn’t drink much. On the other hand, you must’ve drunk dry the whole bar yesterday. What happened?”
“I am not awake enough to have this conversation,” Knox mumbled and turned his back against his roommate. He heard a sigh.
“Just,” he hesitated. “Just let me know if you need anything.” Knox let out a sound of acknowledgement.
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He slept through the whole day. It wasn’t a surprise, he really did drink a lot the previous day. After staring at the ceiling, trying to get his bearings, he made his way towards the bathroom to finally shower. He swore to himself to never drink this much again. No matter how bad he felt, getting piss drunk was out of the picture.
He stood in the shower for about half an hour before he deemed himself fresh and awake enough. After brushing his teeth, he slowly walked down the stairs to the cafeteria. Charlie was absent from their room, so Knox guessed he was downstairs with the others.
As he descended, as correctly guessed, the other poets were sitting at their usual table, chatting quietly. They all looked worn out.
“Look who’s decided to join us,” Neil exclaimed. Everyone around him groaned and put their hands on their ears. They weren’t faring too well either.
“Shut up,” Knox shot back without fire and fell down on the last available seat. Meeks slid a plate of spaghetti in front of him.
“Here, we saved a portion for you.” Knox felt like he could kiss him. He was so hungry he bet he could eat a horse.
“I love you,” he managed to say between huge bites. The others laughed at his theatrics.
Conversation flowed around him, but Knox didn’t really pay any attention to it. He was too focused on filling his empty stomach.
A tap on his foot made him glance up. Charlie was sitting in front of him, his brows crossed in concern.
“You okay?” he asked quietly to not disturb the others.
“Never better,” Knox answered and went back to eating. He’ll deal with Charlie when he feels like himself again. Throughout the dinner, Charlie tried to engage him in the conversation, but Knox ignored his attempts.
After the meal, he decided he wanted to go on a walk. The fresh air did wonders for his still aching head. He strolled aimlessly through campus, nothing particular on his mind. He found a comfortable-looking bench and sat down. He pulled out his phone to check for notifications. There were some from the poets’ groupchat, one email from his professor about the upcoming assignments, and one from Chris.
He looked at the text message with wide eyes. It has been so long since he and Chris talked. He didn’t know how to feel about it. When they were still together, he truly loved her. He was devastated when she broke up with him, but with time, he came to the realisation that maybe he wasn’t as happy in their relationship as he thought he had been. It wasn’t because either of them did anything wrong. After some time, they just drifted apart. Yes, it hurt back then. Now, he could only think of the fond memories, and looking back at their shared history with gratefulness. He hoped Chris was feeling the same.
He opened the message curiously.
Hey Knox! How are you feeling? You didn’t look so well at the party and I thought Id check up on you.
After ten minutes, there was another one.
About what you said, being confused and not sure whether you like someone like that. I think I can give you advice on that. I think I was going through the same thing as you are right now, and I might be able to help. Text me if you want to meet up.
Knox stared at the texts for some minute. Right, he completely forgot about that. He told Chris he liked a he. He buried his face in his hands. He was so stupid. What was he thinking? Telling his ex girlfriend that he had a crush on another person. Which he was not.
He physically cringed at the repeated lie he had been telling himself. Maybe it was time for him to talk about all of this mess. Chris did say that she had experienced something like this. Maybe… Oh hell with it, Knox grabbed his phone again and typed out a response.
Hi Chris! Im fine, thanks. Feeling much better, actually. About your offer, i think id like to meet up with you. Im studying in the library tomorrow around 4, we could meet there
He sighed and hit send. Almost immediately his phone chimed and Knox read the agreeing text on his screen. He was going to do this, wasn’t he?
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Charlie watched as Knox exited the cafeteria and stood up to follow him. Last night was the only thing in his mind. He was really worried for Knox, he wasn’t the type to just drink himself unconscious. However, a hand stopped him.
“Let him.” It was Neil, of course it was. Charlie glanced at him a bit irritated.
“Why?” Neil shook his head.
“I think he needs some time alone,” he said meaningfully.
“I don’t understand,” he looked at the other boy, confused. He knew something.
“Just leave him be for now, okay? He’ll come back and you two can talk,” he advised. Charlie narrowed his eyes. He had no idea what was going on, but nodded nonetheless.
“Alright. I’ll be up in our room, then. Good night, gentlemen,” he raised his nonexistent hat and went up the stairs.
When he entered the room, he leaned back against the door and slowly slid down. He sighed deeply and the moment he started to relax, scenes from last night came flooding back. He winced just from the memories.
He remembered having fun and playing beer pong with the other guys. It was great to let off some steam. His teammate, Lily, seemed to be trying to make a move on him. Now usually, this wouldn’t bother him. But since his realisation about Knox, he didn’t want to get into any one night stands. He gently told her this, and while she wasn’t happy about it, she backed off. They were heading for the kitchen together to get the group something to drink when he saw them. Knox and Chris, all cosy next to each other, whispering into the other’s ears. The sight made something flare hot inside Charlie’s chest. Knox wasn’t planning on getting back together with her, was he? And then Chris leaned even closer, and Charlie had had enough.
He turned towards Lily. “Is your offer still up?” he asked.
And that is how he ended up kissing her passionately. If he was imagining stronger arms and wider shoulders during that, he was the only one to know.
Singing with Knox seemed to be a good idea, too. They did make the arrangement that they’d sing something together. So when he heard the first notes of Lay All Your Love On Me, he didn’t think.
Those three minutes of singing passionately with the guy he was into felt like an eternity. That is why, when the song ended and Knox abruptly fled, he felt his heart break. And the one who saved Knox was, of course, Chris. He wanted to hate her, really. But he found he couldn’t. Anyone who took care of Knox immediately won a place in Charlie’s heart. That is why he let her find Neil and help him get Knox to the car.
Charlie was brought back to the present by the feeling of wetness on his cheeks. He rubbed his hands on his face, trying to get rid of the tears. It was useless, crying wouldn’t get him Knox. Still, letting out all that pent up emotion calmed his mind somewhat.
After some minutes, he got up and walked to their window. That was when he saw the paper lying on Knox’s desk. It was a poem, he realised.
Call me when you wake
Hint me where your heart lies
And if there's one place where my soul and body ever met
Rest in peace the mind I force to sleep
Love, I cannot stop the seasons
In between these pages I am yours
Explain to god the reason.
Explain to me why
over the street, at night
instead of being dark
there's a shining light.
And why between night's mystery and light's truth
I always choose the shadows inside me.
Charlie had no idea Knox was still writing poetry. He thought he gave it up for good when he and Chris had broken up. It seemed that his feelings had resurfaced. Yes, that must be it. That’s the reason why he was so close to her back at the party. Charlie clenched his fists by his sides.
It wasn’t fair. Why did he have to fall in love with his best friend? His heart could’ve chosen literally anybody else.
He ran his hands through his hair, tugging them slightly. He was a mess, wasn’t he? Deciding that wallowing in self-pity wasn’t an option, he turned away from the desk and that awful love poem. He took a shower and buried himself under his blankets, picking up his laptop to watch something on the internet.
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Knox found Charlie back at their room, under a heap of fluffy blankets. He chuckled as the only parts of his friend poking out was his head and his messy hair.
“What are you watching?” he asked curiously. The promise of talking to Chris about Charlie really made him happy. Perhaps he could get answers to all of his questions.
“Some reality show,” the heap of possibly Charlie answered in a monotone voice. Knox furrowed his eyebrows.
“Is everything alright?”
“Yes,” came the reply. A pause, then, “I didn’t know you still write,” he added. Knox froze. He quickly glanced towards his desk. Oh how stupid he was! He left the poem lying bare on his desk. He didn’t even think about it until now.
He let out a nervous chuckle. “Oh, um, yeah. It’s nothing important,” he explained.
“I bet Chris is gonna love it,” Charlie murmured. Knox didn’t believe what he heard.
“What?”
“It’s for Chris, no? I’m sure she’ll appreciate it,” he said disdainfully. Knox was really confused now.
“What are you talking about? It’s not for her, I never said it was,” he said, baffled. He stepped to his bed and sat down so he could get a better look at the other’s face. Charlie sent him a glare. He glared. Knox was lost.
“Isn’t it now? Then the fact that you two were so cosy and cute together yesterday doesn’t have to do anything with this?”
“Uh, yes? We are just friends, Charlie, nothing more, I swear. We’re both over each other,” he explained, getting irritated himself. He really didn’t know why Charlie was so worked up about this. Was he… jealous?
His friend scoffed. “Yeah, right. Then who is it for?” Knox blushed.
“It’s none of your business,” he defended himself, but his voice didn’t hold any malice in it. He didn’t want to further agitate his friend. Charlie just scoffed, but didn’t reply.
“Are you jealous?” Knox asked tentatively. His eyes were glued to the other boy’s face, and so he could see all the emotions playing out on his face.
Charlie widened his eyes. From shock or anger, or both, Knox didn’t know.
“Jealous? Pf, no,” he answered with faked bravado. Knox narrowed his eyes.
“Then why are you being such a dick? I wasn’t the one who made out with a random girl yesterday instead of singing at the karaoke with me! You don’t get to talk about this with me like this.” Now Knox’s voice was loud as well. It felt good, saying out loud all of this. He sat there on his bed, panting and staring at Charlie, waiting for an answer.
The other boy didn’t say a word, however, just scrutinised Knox with his eyes, a thoughtful expression on his face.
“Whatever,” he finally said and turned his back to Knox.
Knox was perplexed. He couldn’t believe what had just happened. Did they just fight because of Knox’s love letter? This was madness.
Shaking his head, Knox quietly got ready and lay down in his own bed. He fell asleep to the sound of Charlie’s tv show running.
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The next morning, Knox found himself alone in their room. He glanced at Charlie’s bed, but saw it neatly made and absent of his roommate. He spent some minutes just lying in bed and staring at the ceiling like it could give him some advice. It couldn’t.
He crawled out of bed and did his morning routine then went to class. Just because he was having an existential crisis every other hour didn’t mean the world stopped moving.
He was nervous about his meetup with Chris. On the one hand, he knew it’d be good to tell somebody all of his worries and finally ask the questions he was too afraid to ask. On the other hand, he was fucking scared. What if Chris meant something completely different? What if she laughed at him for thinking that he might not be straight? But no, she wouldn’t do that. Would she? Knox was spiralling. Wasn’t it weird that he was about to discuss his love life (or lack of it) with his ex-girlfriend? People didn’t really do this, right? But then again, he and Chris were different. He thought both of them had finally moved on. Hell, judging by the events on Saturday, he might even call them friends. Yes, he was going to be fine.
Knox entered the library at four o’clock sharp. He found himself a comfortable and private corner and sat down, bringing his laptop and books with himself. He could barely concentrate, but he managed to write almost half of his essay by the time Chris turned up.
“Hey Knox,” she greeted. He looked up from his work and said hi himself. She took a seat next to him, placing her bag down next to her. “How are you?”
“I’m fine. Could be better, but fine. I was just writing an assignment. You?”
“I’m alright, you know, just the usual. I stayed up late last night because Ginny was rehearsing her lines for the play. I helped her,” she explained.
“Are you going to watch their play?”
“Yes, absolutely. I trust you will, too?”
“Why of course. We never miss Neil’s performances,” he said with a smile. Chris chuckled at that and nodded her head.
“It was a dumb question. You, poets, are as thick as thieves,” she said playfully. They both laughed.
The conversation strayed to the topic of the play the others were about to put on. Neither Chris nor Knox were the biggest theatre-goers, but they both agreed that they’d watch anything their friends participated in.
It was nice, talking to Chris again. Knox relaxed and leaned back in his seat to be more comfortable. There was a short pause where neither of them said anything. Knox suspected Chris was just waiting for him to start the conversation they were here for in the first place. He steeled himself and took a deep breath. Here we go.
“I might be bi,” he started. He stared ahead of himself, his gaze fixated at a faraway spot. “In the last month, something happened. Well, Charlie happened.” He scoffed. “I started catching myself looking at him in a different way. I noticed the shine of his hair and appreciated his strong legs. I stared at him and loved the way he smiled at me.” He was sure he was blushing like crazy at this point, but he went on. “The urge to kiss him became almost unbearable when I was with him alone. And I kept telling myself that this didn’t mean anything. I kept telling myself that I was straight. And I- I’m still not sure. I am so confused Chris, so confused.” He shut his eyes and took some deep breaths to calm himself. Chris placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, urging him to continue.
“I don’t know if this is real. I am so afraid that I’m merely imagining all of this. My life is surrounded with queer people, I watch and read quite a big amount of queer media and I just-. I fear that my thinking of being in love with Charlie is not true. I fear that this is just my unconsciousness trying to be a part of something, when in reality, I just want the attention.”
Knox paused there. He still didn’t look Chris in the eyes, afraid of what she was thinking. “I just don’t want to offend anyone with my crisis. And I am so done with feeling lost and confused.” He whispered the last sentence.
Chris didn’t say anything for some seconds, making sure that Knox said everything he wanted. Then she gingerly leaned closer and hugged him.
“Oh Knox, it’s okay. Thank you so much for sharing this with me,” she whispered. Knox hugged her back, his eyes getting cloudy from tears. “I know exactly how you feel,” she admitted. Knox pulled back.
“You do? How?” he asked, baffled. Chris looked down at her shoes.
“I went through the same thing as you recently. My roommate, Ginny, well. As you might remember from Saturday, I like her. Like like her. And I was thinking the same thing as you are. That this can’t be happening, I’m almost 21, how am I only realising such an important thing like this only now?” Knox was listening to her intently. “But you know, as time went by, I realised something. That it doesn’t really matter who you love. It can be a guy, a girl, or anyone in between. And it doesn’t matter when you realise it. It might happen when you’re really young. It might happen when you’re in your 30s.” She stopped there and looked up at Knox’s face. “What matters is that you accept and discover yourself. Experiment, find out what you like. Don’t try to fit the labels. It doesn’t matter what you call yourself. Just let yourself feel .” Chris finished her speech.
Knox was, for the lack of a better word, surprised. He had no idea he wasn’t alone. That there was someone in his life that understood. He loved his friends and trusted them with his life. But Neil, Charlie, and even Todd always knew what they liked, at least on some level. They were always confident in this area.
He smiled at Chris. “That’s. Wow. It’s a lot to take in,” he admitted breathlessly.
“It is. But doesn’t it feel good to finally let it all out?”
“It’s amazing. Thank you, Chris,” he said earnestly.
“And it doesn’t hurt the community that you question your sexuality. You don’t offend anyone just because you have a crush on a guy.” Knox bowed his head in embarrassment. “Also, judging by the way you talk about Charlie and look at him, I don’t think you have to question whether it’s real or not,” she added with a mischievous smile. He nodded, his words escaping him.
The library was mostly absent of people, only some students strolling about, headphones on their heads. They were safe here. He was safe.
They sat there in silence for some minutes, processing everything that was said. Chris broke the silence.
“So. You and Charlie?” she asked. Knox groaned.
“It’s more like I’m pining after him while he chases a new girl every other week,” he said quietly.
Chris hummed thoughtfully. “Well, what he did at the party does give you the impression that he’s not interested in you.” Knox winced at the memory. “But,” she held up her pointer finger, “I also saw the way you two sang together. He looked smitten, I tell you.”
Knox glanced at her. “You think so? But then why did he kiss that girl? If he likes me, shouldn't he ask me out?”
Chris shook her head. “First of all, you don’t know the reason he did that. Maybe there is more to this than we know. Secondly, why should he have asked you out? Did you send him any signals that mean you’re interested in him?” Knox shook his head bashfully. “Exactly. Perhaps he is just as confused as you are. He might be afraid of ruining your friendship if he confessed.”
“Speaking from experience?” She swatted at his arm.
“Not funny. But yes, I was thinking the same thing. You should definitely talk to him when you’re ready. You don’t have to now! Only do what you are comfortable with.”
“Uh, I’ll see. But seriously, thank you. For everything.” Knox was incredibly grateful for her words. He didn’t feel like he was alone anymore. He even had a slight hope that Charlie might like him back. Because yes, he liked Charlie Dalton. He liked a boy. And it was fine. The world didn’t stop. He didn’t change, he was still the same person as before.
“Anytime,” Chris gave him a dazzling smile. “Oh I just remembered, I have the video of you guys singing! Do you wanna see it?”
“Yeah, why not,” Knox said. He was really curious about what they looked like for an outsider.
Chris bent down to her bag and pulled out her phone. She plugged in her earphones, afraid of Mrs. Johnson’s wrath. They settled next to each other and with one part of the earphone each in their ears, Chris hit play.
It started when Knox just started the song. He looked absolutely sloshed, his hair sticking in all different directions, his face flushed from the alcohol and the heat of the room. His singing wasn’t that bad, though, he could give himself that.
Then Charlie appeared. And god did he look absolutely stunning. He grabbed the mic from Knox confidently and started singing. Only from this point of view, Knox could see everything he didn’t notice in his drunken state. The way Charlie looked at him took his breath away. He looked at Knox like he was something precious, like he was something to be adored. If they were in a cartoon, he was sure his eyes would’ve turned into hearts. Knox himself wasn’t fairing better either. The two of them looked like lovesick idiots screaming the lyrics of an ABBA song. When the song ended, they just stood there, lost in the other’s eyes. If Knox didn’t know what happened next, he would’ve thought they were about to kiss. Then Knox abruptly turned away and staggered down from the stage. And Charlie looked devastated. Knox felt something twist inside of him. He didn’t ever want to see that heartbroken expression on Charlie’s face again.
The video ended. Knox was still staring at the black screen, trying to comprehend what he had just seen.
“I should talk to him,” he finally said. Chris bumped her shoulder against his.
“Go get your man,” she told him jokingly. Knox sprang up from their seat and started packing. The girl looked at him surprised. “Wait, are you going to tell him now?”
“Yes.” At the determination in his voice, Chris laughed. He threw all of his stuff in his backpack and started his way to the exit.
“Good luck, Knox!” she shouted after his swiftly retreating figure.
“Thanks again! I’ll see you later,” he shouted back. Chris could hear the angry voice of the librarian threatening Knox, but she was sure he couldn’t have cared less about that. He had a guy to woo.
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Knox knew where he could find Charlie at this hour. He had soccer practice from four, and Knox calculated that he’d arrive at the field by the time they finished. He was right, the team of players were making their way towards the changing buildings. Knox put down his bag and sat down next to it. The grass was soft under him, and even though the wind was blowing, he wasn’t cold.
He started fidgeting with his hands. He was about to confess his love to his best friend. He took a deep breath to calm himself. Then their fight from yesterday entered his mind. How Charlie glared at him when he noticed the poem. Knox gulped nervously. He should’ve told this to Chris. Maybe it was all a bad idea and he had misunderstood everything. But no, he saw the video of them. And maybe Knox was right and Charlie was jealous the previous day. That’d be good.
He was pulled out of his spiralling thoughts by a group of guys making their way towards him. Knox immediately got up and dusted himself off. Charlie was there, joking with one of his teammates. When he noticed Knox, his brows furrowed. He said something to the others and made his way towards Knox. This was it.
“Knox? What are you doing here?” His voice wasn’t necessarily hostile, but it lacked the usual warmth Knox was used to. He took a deep breath.
“I need to talk to you.” Charlie lifted his eyebrows.
“What about?” Knox scratched his head and let out a nervous chuckle.
“Well, you see, I was just talking to Chris and-” he was cut off harshly by Charlie.
“I really don’t wanna hear this, Knox,” he said angrily and passed Knox. He followed him.
“No wait, I shouldn’t have started it this way. Please, Charlie, listen to me,” he pleaded and grabbed the other boy’s arm.
He whirled around to face Knox. “Let go of me Knox, I don’t care if you and her got together again.” His eyes were glassy from unshed tears. He looked away again and Knox’s heart broke at the sight.
“I’m not together with Chris. I never will because I don’t want to. I am in love with someone else,” he admitted. At that, Charlie looked at him again.
“What are you saying?” he asked tentatively. Knox stepped closer, their faces a handspan away from each other.
“Why did you kiss that girl at the party?” he asked softly. Charlie’s eyes widened.
‘I-. Wh-. Why do you want to know that?” he stammered.
“Why did you kiss that girl, Charlie? I need to know,” he pleaded. He knew his eyes were beginning to well up from the emotion. He needed to hear the truth.
Charlie took a deep breath and shut his eyes. “Because I was jealous. I saw you and- and Chris together and I thought you guys were going to get together again,” he admitted.
Knox put one of his hands on Charlie’s face. The other boy fluttered his eyes open, staring at Knox with a fearful expression.
“Were you jealous of me?”
“No,” he whispered. “I was jealous of Chris.”
That was enough for Knox. He leaned in and placed his lips on Charlie’s softly. He heard him gasp from the surprise. Then Knox felt hands snaking around his neck and he was pulled closer to the other’s body. He felt those infamous butterflies flying in his stomach, but it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. On the contrary, it was exciting. The only sound he could hear was his racing heartbeat.
Knox let out a groan and hugged Charlie closer to him while maintaining the kiss. It was perfect. He buried one of his hands in Charlie’s hair and oh it was so soft. Knox never ever wanted to stop kissing him.
Charlie was the one who broke the kiss.
“Knox, wait, stop,” he put his hands on Knox’s face. He immediately stopped and stepped away. Had he hurt Charlie? Oh god, what if he didn’t like him back?
“I- I’m sorry,” Knox began apologising,still panting from their kiss, but Charlie pulled him back closer, giving a short kiss to his nose.
“No no, don’t apologise. It’s okay. I-. Knox. I didn’t know you even liked guys,” he said, surprised. His face was flushed adorably. Knox looked down at his shoes bashfully.
“I only accepted it like, an hour ago,” he admitted.
“What?”
“Yeah. I talked to Chris, like I said. But it was all about you. And, well, about my confusion. It’s because of her that I even came here,” he confessed. Charlie let out a chuckle.
“I guess I owe her one then,” he joked. Knox snorted good naturedly.
“Me too.” This time, it was Charlie who kissed him. It was sweet and hot and everything Knox wanted.
“I haven’t even told you what I was going to say,” Knox broke away. Charlie looked at him curiously and so he continued. “I like you. Romantically, I mean. I have been pining for you for at least a month, I just never realised it. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was attracted to a boy. I struggled with coming to terms with my sexuality. And I still don’t know what I am. Perhaps I won’t ever find out. And I am okay with that. Because the only thing that is important now is that I-,” he stopped for a minute and just looked over the other’s face. Charlie was looking at him intently, a small and shy smile tugging at his lips. “I am in love with you, Charlie.” There he finally said it. Charlie grinned.
“I’m in love with you, too, Knox. God, what you put me through in these past weeks was crazy. I really thought you were back together with Chris.” He put his forehead against Knox’s and they enjoyed the comfortable silence for a while.
“You know, I wrote that poem for you. I even hid your name in it,” Knox said, chuckling. Charlie glanced at him with wide eyes.
“You didn’t,” he said, disbelieving. Knox grinned.
“I did. Acrostic, remember?” he laughed. Charlie buried his face under Knox’s head.
“I am such a fool,” he mumbled. Knox wrapped his arms around his torso and rested his head on Charlie’s head.
“We both are,” he agreed. After some quiet moments, Knox spoke up.
“You should definitely take a shower, dear, you stink,” he said and pushed away the other playfully.
“I beg your pardon? Did you just say I stink?” he put his hand on his chest in mock affrontement.
“You are,” Knox deadpanned. He didn’t have time to react as Charlie suddenly threw himself on him and they both stumbled to the ground. They let out an oof together. Charlie grinned down at Knox who was trapped under him.
“It seems like you are dirty too, Knoxious. Don’t you think so?” he asked innocently.
“I’ll give you something dirty,” Knox said, seemingly not getting the ambiguity, and he flipped themselves so now he was on top of Charlie.
The other boy burst out laughing at that.
“What?” Knox asked, confused.
“Nothing, nothing. Come here,” Charlie said and he pulled down Knox for another kiss. He gladly complied.
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Later that day, they were both snuggled together, cuddling under a soft blanket and talking about nothing and everything. Charlie was just talking about his training when Knox suddenly remembered something and got out of bed.
“What are you doing?” he heard Charlie’s confused voice.
“I wrote another poem,” Knox answered and pulled out a paper from one of his desk drawers. He padded back to his boyfriend (god, he had a boyfriend ) and sat down, facing him.
“You did?” Knox only nodded, a bit embarrassed.
“Yeah. It’s about you, too,” he admitted shyly. “And when I kind of realised I might be into guys.”
“Can I see it?” Charlie asked softly.
“No, I’m going to read it for you,” Knox said in a slightly shaky voice. He didn’t know why he was so nervous. It was just Charlie. And said boy just put his hand on his knee, squeezing it reassuringly. Knox glanced up and smiled. He started reading the poem.
I used to live with my eyes closed.
Nothing was amiss –
It's a life, it's a truth, still,
Hidden perhaps In the black of my lashes.
Ever-present, never there –
And I heard your voice
A whisper, somewhere,
In the back of my eyes –
Just a glance, I say
With my eyes, half moons,
A half-lidded truth,
Until I saw you.
When he finished, he was greeted with a sweet kiss pressed onto his mouth.
“It was beautiful,” Charlie whispered against his mouth. Knox chuckled.
“Thanks.” He stole another kiss. And another.
“I love your poems,” Charlie said when he pulled back a bit. Knox raised his eyebrows.
“Aren’t they too cheesy for you?” The other boy snickered.
“If it’s intended for me then no, they are not.” He paused a bit. “They’re perfect,” he whispered, staring into Knox's eyes.
Knox got the sense he wasn’t talking about his poems. Not knowing how to deal with the onslaught of emotions that suddenly came over him, he just cupped Charlie’s face and kissed him on the nose, on the forehead, and then on the mouth. They were precious, soft kisses, trying to relay his message. I love you too. They didn’t need to say it yet. There was no pressure. Being with Charlie felt like being home. Knox smiled into the kiss and felt Charlie did the same.
Right now, Knox was the most relaxed in his life. Because no matter what his sexuality was, he got to be with the most wonderful guy in the world, and that was more than enough for him.