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He should’ve known it was too good to be true. Everyone always tells him he’s slow and stupid, but this is the first time he’s actually agreed with them. He was stupid for thinking Harper would be happy with someone like him. So fucking stupid…
During the few weeks that they dated, things at his house calmed down. Even though Harper wasn’t the type of girl his parents would’ve picked for their son, they played nice enough. They must’ve just been relieved that he seemed to be done with the phase that brought shame to the whole family. As long as he was with a girl, any girl, they were content. But now that’s over too — or it will be as soon as they find out about the breakup.
Harper was the first girl he'd ever been just friends with, and it was nice. When they first got together, he was the happiest he’d been in a long time. Everything was falling into place and his worries were slowly fading away.
Then something happened. He still isn’t quite sure about the what or the when, but whatever it was, it ruined them. Slowly at first and then all at once. Maybe he was a bad boyfriend, it’s not like he has a lot of experience in that department. Or maybe she was a better friend than a girlfriend. Either way, the relationship was over and it broke him.
Deep down they both knew the breakup was a long time coming, but neither one had the guts to do it. Until today after school when Harper asked if they could talk — and that was basically it. She didn’t have to say much, the same things were running through his head.
Sitting on his bed, he can feel the tin box in his pocket. Ever since the map, he’s been carrying it with him everywhere, just in case he needs to take a break from the world. That’s been happening more and more in the last few months, but he thought he got it under control after summer break. The overdose on the first day of school brought him crashing back to reality, making him realize the severity of the situation he was heading in. Even Spider gave him a lecture that day and he’s usually the one egging him on.
But too much shit has gone wrong now and the box is right there, literally in the palm of his hand. He counts the gummies. One, two, three, four... Four. A few weeks ago that would’ve only lasted him a day, but his tolerance has gotten much lower since, thank god. Staring at the half-opened container, he wonders if going down this road again is worth it. He’s been doing so well recently, cutting back to just one or two gummies a week.
It was fine when he was with Harper; she distracted him and encouraged him to stay in the moment. Sometimes he actually forgot all about his unhealthy coping mechanism when he was with her. But now the urge is back and he’s too exhausted to fight it. Honestly, he isn’t sure he even wants to fight it this time. It would be so much easier to just…
He throws a gummy in his mouth, not allowing himself a chance to back down. He’s never chewed this fast, but he has to; otherwise he might come to his senses and spit everything out. Finally swallowing, he’s flooded with emotions. Frustration, anger, self-loathing, guilt — he’s feeling all of it at once and it feels like a wave that’s going to drown him.
A few tears run down his cheek as he lies down on the bed. His room used to be a place of comfort, but the map took that away from him. Or his parents did, he reminds himself, he’s not that mad at Amerie anymore. Staring at the ceiling, his tears quickly turn into uncontrollable sobs. He covers his face with the front of his shirt to stop the noise; the last thing he needs right now is his parents barging in and finding him like this.
Right when he feels like he can’t take it anymore, his brain quiets down. His thoughts become a blur, but that’s exactly how he likes them. At least this way they don’t hurt him — or they do, but only in a distant, non-urgent type of way.
As he calms down, his muscles begin to relax. Finally feeling like he can breathe again, he concentrates on the air filling his lungs and the steady rhythm of his chest rising and falling.
In, out. In… and out.
He closes his eyes, reveling in the sensation. This is the feeling he’s been missing for so long and he can’t remember why he ever tried to fight it.