Chapter Text
The Shittiest Alt-Power Fic Ever
Brian Laborn, the villain known as Grue, was in the unfortunate position of often having to consider himself the most mature person in the room.
This was usually a combination of two factors.
One: the fact that he usually WAS the most mature person in the room. His father’s overbearing, his mother’s neglect, and the need to protect his sister from both had forced him to grow up rather quickly. As a consequence, he tended to think carefully, act reasonably, and step in to ensure that the people around him were being cared for.
Two: the quality of the people he usually hung out with was so low that a paraplegic squirrel would often be considered more mature than them.
Cases in point: Alec. Lisa. Rachel.
Thus, when it came to Brian’s attention that their recent heist had angered the local dragon gang lord and said dragon gang lord was looking for blood, rather than doing the smart thing and finding a deep hole to hide in until it all blew over he instead donned a majestic grimace and prepared to lead his team into a desperate battle both to stop the dragon gang lord from killing his team, but also to just generally keep the dragon gang lord from killing a whole bunch of innocent people while trying to kill his team.
Alec had snorted and called him a try-hard when he made that decision. Lisa had tried to argue that the best revenge was living well, so not going to their death was in fact the most noble thing. Rachel just called him a dumb ass.
Truly, being the most mature person in the room was both easy and hard with the company he kept.
Thus, after a brief but harrowing battle with the dragon gang lord’s right hand teleporting suicide ninja, Brian, firmly Grue at that point, steered the demonic monster hound he was riding towards what he expected to be a pitched battle for his life.
Instead, he arrived to a very confusing scene with a distinct lack of actual pitched battle.
“What the hell?” he muttered as his team, the Undersiders, landed Bitch’s inflated dogs at the street level.
“Huh,” Lisa grunted, pursing her lips as she took in the scene as well. “I… I’m not gonna lie, I have no idea what’s going on here.”
“Oh shit,” Alec chimed in. “Is that Lung? Who fucked him up?”
“New girl,” Rachel answered him bluntly. “Dumbass.”
It was, indeed, the dragon gang lord, Lung. And by Brian’s expert opinion that yes, yes the supposedly unkillable rage machine was expertly fucked up at this point.
The Asian parahuman was mostly nude, but still had some scraps of clothing on him. It was a firm indicator of how far along Lung had gotten before he had been defeated: due to his growth the longer he used his power, the unofficial rule of thumb was that you had to take Lung out before he got big enough to destroy his clothes. By the time the pants no longer fit, he was generally considered to be past the point where he can be stopped.
Several threads on PHO asserted that it was, in fact, the reverse and it was Lung getting naked that actually increased his power. There were multiple scientific studies on it.
Brian didn’t buy into any of it. He refused to live in a world where nudity actually made you stronger.
Whatever the case, it appeared Lung had managed to do some major damage: there were clear swathes of fire damage and destroyed property.
In fact, Brian noted, wrinkling his nose behind his mask, judging by the smell it appeared a sceptic tank must have been ruptured at some point. That or an exploded porta-pottie had been victimized. The air stank.
Lung was sprawled out on the ground, looking like he had collapsed from a kneeling position onto his face. And standing in front of him was the one that Rachel had called ‘new girl’. And yes, by Brian’s judgment the girl was pretty damn new.
It was another rule of thumb that you could tell how new a cape was by how silly their costume was. Most newcomers started with balaclavas or sky masks. The good ones might have a leather jacket or biker outfits. The not so good ones would show up in hoodies and jeans.
The new girl was one of the not so good ones. She went down the checklist when it came to noob gear: sneakers, black jeans, black hoodie, black gaiter, and black hat. She was tall, had dark hair, and if Brian had to describe her posture, he would it put it at somewhere between ‘resigned’ and ‘depressed’.
She was also nearly entirely undamaged, and had apparently defeated one of the most powerful and dangerous parahumans in a city that had a long list of powerful and dangerous parahumans, so Brian wasn’t going to judge.
Now, the question was if this new and apparently extremely powerful girl was the sort to engage in reasonable conversation or if Brian was still going to have that fight he had been worried about.
“I’m impressed,” Brian called, trying to be both impressive, vaguely threatening enough to discourage a fight from appearing weak while simultaneously being so completely harmless as to not provoke a fight. “Is this your work?”
“It… it is,” the newcomer sighed morosely. “This… I did this…”
Brian frowned behind his helmet. Alright, confirmation that yes, this was definitely a person he should be very careful about. But also, he could read enough regret in her tone to make him suspect that however she had managed to do this, she wasn’t proud of it.
Could be that her power went out of control, or that she hadn’t intended to start a fight. Whatever the case, Brian could read a deep, abiding regret in the slim frame of the girl before him.
He tilted his head just a fraction, enough for him to take in Lisa. The Thinker caught the movement, nodding briefly as she narrowed her eyes slightly, studying the scene. With her ability to pick up even the vaguest clue and deduce entire sheafs of information and conclusions, Brian was confident that she would be able to figure out if they were in any danger. In the meantime, he decided to continue trying to make dialogue.
“Well, I have to say ‘thanks’ then,” Brian offered solemnly. The girl perked at his words and he continued his explanation. “You see, we’d heard that Lung was gunning for us. Wasn’t looking forward to having to…”
He was interrupted by a sudden and abrupt snort from Lisa. Surprised at the interruption, Brian turned and caught sight of Lisa staring with wide eyes and a dropped jaw at the scene in front of her. Suddenly, her jaw snapped shut and both hands came up to cover her mouth in what appeared to be a desperate attempt to stop the inevitable.
Unfortunately, as her shaking shoulders indicated, the inevitable would not be stopped.
“Bwahahahahaha!” Lisa began to cackle, trying desperately to hold back the laughter and failing abjectly.
“The fuck, Tattletale?” Alec leaned back, giving the Thinker an odd look.
“Hahaha… Lung! Her! Hahahahahaha! Oh my god!” Lisa was now laughing so hard she was shaking, and with both hands covering her mouth there were none to keep her balance on Rachel’s dog, Judas. And thus unbalanced, Lisa actually fell off the dog, making no effort to catch herself as she continued guffawing all the way to the ground.
“Er,” Brian offered succinctly. He had no idea just what was setting the blonde girl off, and that had a severely negative impact in his ability to respond to the situation vocally.
“Ummmm,” the new girl began, giving them all an odd look. “Is your friend alright?”
“That’s debatable under the best of times,” Brian admitted.
“Oh my god, my sides,” Lisa gasped, rolling on the ground and slapping it while caught in the grasps of her laughing attack. “G-Grue! Kidnap her! We must have her!”
“Kidnap?” the new girl asked, sounding like she was frowning. Brian immediately held up a hand, not wanting the girl who beat Lung to get any bad ideas about what his team represented.
“There will be no kidnapping,” he assured her. Turning, he scowled at Lisa. “Tattletale, stop embarrassing us, and/or antagonizing the apparently powerful unknown cape who beat Lung.”
“Y-y-you don’t understand!” Lisa declared, abandoning all dignity as she turned pleading eyes to the nominal team leader. “Her power! I figured it out! We must have it! For great justice!”
The new girl immediately stiffened and froze. Brian kept a very careful eye on her just in case she decided that someone having figured out her apparently awesome and awe-inspiring power garnered use of that power on them to keep said power a secret.
“Tattletale, shut up,” he bluntly ordered the Thinker. Turning back to the hopefully very benevolent and forgiving girl in front of him, he hastily offered assurances. “I’m sorry about her. If your powers are secret, I promise, I can make sure she doesn’t say anything to anyone…”
The new girl gave him a blank look, before turning back to the Thinker. She seemed lost in thought for a second, before she finally sighed, and slumped over in resignation.
“It’s fine,” she droned tonelessly. “I knew if I tried to be a cape it would come out. It’s not like I can hide it if I’m using it…”
“No! No, don’t hide it! Embrace it! Lean into it!” Lisa begged, finally having managed to get herself under marginal control and getting into a kneeling position as she tried to catch her breath. “More importantly, join us! With your power combined with ours, nothing would be able to stop us!”
Brian raised an eyebrow, genuinely curious. Just what sort of power was enough to both cause such a reaction in the Thinker, as well as convince her to immediately start trying to aggressively recruit?
The new girl, on the other hand, narrowed her eyes, hands forming fists as she glared at Lisa.
“Are you… are you making fun of me?” new girl hissed, apparently thinking that Lisa was being sarcastic or mocking.
Which, Brian had to admit, was a fair assumption. Whenever Lisa opened her mouth there were fifty/fifty odds that she was either being sarcastic or mocking.
Which is why it also shocked Brian when immediately after the new girl asked her question Lisa immediately blanched, went white as a sheet and began stuttering apologies while simultaneously….
…Reaching down to squeeze her own ass cheeks together? The Fuck?
“No! No, no, no! I swear, I’m not making fun of you! Please, I’m sorry for laughing, it just caught me completely by surprise, and I didn’t mean to be hurtful or embarrass you, so I’ll stop now, just please, don’t, these are my lucky panties!”
“Really?” Alec chimed in, scratching his head with his taser in confusion as he took in the scene like the uninvolved spectator he felt like. “You wore your lucky panties to a fight? Why? Were you hoping to seduce Lung if worse came to worse or something?”
“Lucky as in ‘hopefully I won’t die while wearing them’, not lucky as in ‘hopefully engaging in gross allosexual groin grinding’,” Lisa snapped at him, still studying the new girl carefully. The new girl was still glaring at her, and Lisa gulped nervously. “I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean for my reaction to be offensive. Also, I think you have a very nice gaiter?”
For a moment the scene seemed on the poise of… of something that Brian couldn’t quite identify. It should be ‘violence’ but given that Lisa was genuinely nervous but didn’t seem concerned for her life, maybe it wasn’t quite that?
Finally, the new girl sighed, slumping again.
“Fine. It’s fine. I get it. I know my power’s stupid. You just don’t have to rub it in,” she muttered.
“No!” Lisa immediately shot to her feet, nearly skipping over to the new girl. Brian took that to mean that the danger(?) had passed. “I’m being one hundred percent serious. Your power is amazing, and has so much potential! I’m sorry for the way I reacted,” and here Brian had to raise an eyebrow as he realized that Lisa was actually being serious and not just placating, “it just caught me completely by surprise. Seriously though, I think you’re amazing. I know I’m not team leader, but I’m calling an audible. I really think you have a lot to add to the team and want to invite you to join the Undersiders!”
“At least she recognizes that she’s completely ignoring the team leader as well as the whole ‘group consent’ thing we all agreed to when we formed the team,” Brian groused. He still wasn’t sure what was going on, and was more than a little annoyed at Lisa preempting him, but he also recognized that Lisa was acting on information he didn’t, and trusted her enough that if she was acting then she was acting for a good reason.
“Shhh,” Alec mock shushed him. “Didn’t you hear? She called an audible. By ancient law and binding covenants, we now must concede to her completely insane and totally unexpected demands.”
“No, no we don’t,” Brian countered with a sigh. Turning to what he hoped was a very reasonable bearer of phenomenal cosmic power he continued. “If you’re really okay with talking about it, maybe you could clue the rest of us in on just what happened here?”
“Yes!” Lisa declared, nodding furiously as her grin took up more of her face than Brian actually thought was possible. “Yes, all the gory details please!”
“All of them?” the girl asked, looking a little perturbed.
“No, not those details, just the rest of them,” Lisa corrected herself immediately.
“Thank god, I was worried you were a sicko or something,” the girl sighed in relief. She hesitated for a moment, before slumping in resignation again. “Well, it was my first night out, and I was just trying to get used to patrolling, when I came across Lung and a bunch of his gang. I wasn’t sure what to do at first, but then Lung was shouting something about killing kids and even if I wasn’t sure I was ready, I knew I couldn’t let him kill some kids…”
“Yeah, that was probably us,” Alec pointed out, shrugging in a ‘whatcha gonna do about it’ gesture. “We did sort of piss him off when we robbed his casino.”
New girl stared for a moment, before she sighed and slapped her forehead. “Of course he meant a bunch of teenagers. You all are kids compared to him. I honestly thought he was going to murder a preschool or something.”
“And with that misconception you attacked in a fierce ambush, catching Lung unaware and bringing him low before he even got a chance to rev up?” Brian supplied, going to the most natural and obvious chain of events. Everyone knew that the only real way to take Lung out was to get him before he got too big to be gotten.
“Oh, no, I approached and politely asked him to reconsider his chosen course of action,” the new girl immediately shook her head and showed her complete lack of common sense.
“An action which Lung immediately took as a provocation and began his whole transformation sequence?” Lisa prompted, nodding her head in understanding.
“Which was then when you decided to use your super awesome powers of smiting on him?” Alec concluded.
“Oh, no, I warned him again at that point that if he didn’t agree to back off that I would then give him two more warnings before using my power on him,” the new girl admitted.
“Which then proceeded in a predictable pattern until finally you knew there was no more putting it off?” Lisa was nearly bouncing as she started filling in the new girl’s story, apparently in a rush to get to the good part.
“Yeah,” new girl admitted. She sighed again. “I really didn’t want to have to use it on them if I didn’t have to…”
“Alright, you are a very regretful hero, pushed to far by the obstinance of evil. A noble but solemn samurai, a stern but gentle gunslinger,” Alec rolled his eyes. “Now, get to the good part: what exactly does your power do, and is there any secret weakness we might be able to exploit if you decide to use it on us for any reason?”
“Bitch, slap Regent,” Brian interrupted, and a swift thump answered his orders as he turned to new girl. “Ignore him. He was dropped on his head. Repeatedly. Both last night, and as a child. Now, if you’re okay with it, what precisely did your power do?”
“It’s… It’s not pretty,” the new girl admitted. “My power… it makes people shit themselves.”
“Yes, yes,” Alec rolled his eyes. “A power so dramatic and inspiring that all who witness it loose their bowels in instinctive terror, I’m sure. But what precisely is your power?”
“She just said,” Rachel snorted. “Pay attention, idiot.”
“Wait, she did?” Brian straightened in alarm. “Was it some kind of stranger effect!? Something so powerful we can’t even hear it without it being erased from our minds!?”
“No. No, it is not,” new girl rolled her eyes. “My power: it makes people shit themselves. That’s literally what it does.”
A moment of silence descended on the group. That moment bred with the next moment, and spawned a happy family of minutes that grew contentedly in a safe and healthy environment full of caring support and love.
Then the family was murdered as Alec spoke up, the noise brutally slaughtering the by then colony of silence that had just been about to develop enough to begin colonizing.
“Wha?”
“That’s my power,” the new girl admitted. “I can make people around me crap themselves.”
“Just that?” Brian had to ask, just making sure that he heard correctly and that a hypothetical Stranger wasn’t around screwing with him by making him hear things incorrectly. The new girl slumped at the question, and Lisa immediately leapt to her defense.
“’Just that?’ dear leader?” she chimed in with a scolding tone. “Grue, I don’t think you realize just how amazing this power truly it is! It enforces a temporary paralytic state, arresting near all physical movement through the relaxation of muscles! The only two exceptions are a rhythmic tremor through the lower bowels and a simultaneous dilation of all muscles in the sphincter! The end result is that her foes are helpless to do nothing but stand there as they defecate, regardless of their will, or the time, or the place! It is an inescapable immediate defeat and humiliation, all built into one! A power so terrifying that none who know what they might face would even dare to face it!”
“Er, wait, what?” new girl perked up, sounding a bit surprised at just how detailed Lisa’s description of a power she hadn’t even seen before had been. “Wait, it does all that? I mean, I just knew it makes anyone I use it on crap themselves. It never seemed really dangerous when I was testing it on Emm… on someone I know.”
“So…” Alec began carefully, eyes narrowing in profound thought. “You beat Lung… with crap power? As in you made him crap himself so much that he… just… what? Decided to give up? Why wouldn’t he just fight his way through it? I mean, wouldn’t that just make him more mad or something?”
“That’s the beauty of it!” Lisa squealed actually putting her arms on new girl’s shoulders in excitement as she bounced in place. “It’s the paralytic relaxation part! Lung has to be in a continual state of anger in order to ramp up, but every time she used her power, it caused him to completely relax which interrupted his own powers and caused him to start shrinking!”
“Pooping feels good,” Rachel agreed, shrugging. Made perfect sense to her. Nobody is ever mad when they poop.
“But, wouldn’t there be a point where, where there’s just nothing left?” Brian pointed out, wishing desperately that the new girl just shot eye lasers of death or something. Anything to avoid having to consider… consider this as a terrifying and game changing power.
“I never used it on anyone as much as I did tonight,” new girl admitted in embarrassment. “It seems like if I use it too many times on one person too quickly it causes… er, well it causes rectal prolapse.”
Lisa froze, and then whispered in awe, “Why are you so goddamn beautiful, you gorgeous beast you!”
Brian simply shuddered, and many things about the scene in front of him suddenly made horrifying sense with the new context: the smell, Lung’s position on the ground, the new girl’s discomfort…
“At least he’s a regenerator,” Brian finally muttered himself, eyeing the defeated dragon with the kind of pity you reserved for someone you really did feel sorry for, but were damn grateful that it wasn’t you going through it.
Alec, on the other hand, had an epiphany.
“I am vastly underutilizing the potential of my power,” he whispered. After all, even if he wasn’t taking full control of a body and just tweaking nerves, why, WHY had he never considered such a beautiful and trolly ability like this master of neural warfare standing before him? “I must learn your ways. Make me your apprentice.”
“Eh?” new girl squeaked, staring around her as a serious group of professional villains gave her power way more credit and awe than she had ever thought such a shitty power would ever receive.
“Gotcha,” Lisa capitalized on the girl’s stunned near-catatonia, one arm wrapped around her shoulder as Lisa began to gently lead the new girl to the dogs. “Kidnapping: success! Quick, get her on the dogs before she snaps out of it!
***Scene Break***
“…and that concludes my presentation on just why you should join the Undersiders,” Lisa finished, nodding in satisfaction as the last slide on her Power Point presentation queued up, the projector showing a near blank screen with the word ‘Questions ?’ on it. “So, when can we expect you to sign on?”
“Er, actually, before we go that far, I believe I’m allowed to ask questions now?” New girl, now introduced as Taylor to the group.
“By all means,” Lisa, agreed pleasantly, smiling professionally at Taylor as she did so. “Ask away!”
“How did you have a PowerPoint ready in the five minutes between when we arrived at your base after kidnapping me and then unmasking?”
“I was actually wondering that myself,” Brian admitted, arms crossed in consternation.
“Here, Master,” Alec chimed in, respectfully offering his new inspiration and idol a beer from the fridge.
“Er, I don’t drink?” Taylor admitted.
“Excellent time to start,” Alec countered. Taylor frowned, before resolutely taking the beer and giving it a deep drink. It was hard to argue with logic like that.
“I have several pre-created stock presentations ready for various things that might come up,” Lisa explained easily. “For situations like ‘how to recruit new power’, ‘how to convince an enraged enemy not to kill you’, ‘reasons why you should smack Alec upside the head’, things like that.”
“Ahh,” Brian nodded knowingly. “That makes sense.”
“It does?” Taylor repeated, looking around the room and realizing that everyone, even Alec, was nodding in understanding and agreement. Deciding to roll with it, she shook her head and pushed on with her question. “I can’t help but feel that you sort of glossed over the portion where I am actually a hero, and thus shouldn’t, by definition, be joining up with a villainous brigade.”
“An excellent point!” Lisa immediately nodded, turning back to her computer as she began to pull up files, humming cheerfully as she did so. The previous PowerPoint had been the generic one, mostly just outlining income, safety features, and benefits. She had worked hard to ensure that Coil included dental in their package. The original presentation had given her time to cobble together a much more personalized one between slides. “Let me begin by countering that with all the statistics and reasons why that would be a terrible idea and you should set it aside like all childish things: like believing in Santa or thinking the authorities really do know what they’re doing.”
“Look, I’m no where near as invested in this as Lisa apparently is,” Brian chimed in, shrugging his shoulders, and accepting a beer from Alec. “I mean, after hearing about your powers you can be damn sure that I would welcome you into the gang with open arms. However, if you want to leave than I’ll just say thanks, give you a bonus for saving us, and then ask that if you ever show up on the scene of one of our crimes you give us five minutes to return all the money, pay for any damages, and then run without being chased.”
Brian was already calculating just how much money they would need to bring on any job after that in order to cover damages and bribes. It would put a severe dent in their reserves, but he would consider it money well reserved if Taylor agreed to the arrangement.
“The first thing to keep in mind,” Lisa began, pulling up a picture of a big frowny face and putting it next to a line of incident statistics, “is the statistics! And statistically speaking, the PRT and the Protectorate are lying, blackmailing bullies who should never be trusted!”
“I believe I might suspect your statement of some bias,” Taylor muttered, going cross eyed as she tried to read the dense lines of numbers.
“Totally, but that doesn’t make me wrong,” Lisa countered cheerfully. “The PRT likes to flout their ‘80% of all independents die or are disabled in the first four months of their career’ line, but the fact is that most of them don’t even make it as independents for more than a month! As everyone here knows, powers are developed during the worst day of your life. And most people just don’t have the worst day of their life quietly at home, away from any witnesses.”
Brian winced, as did the rest of the room. No one liked bringing up their trigger events. It was considered a major slip up to ask another cape about it.
“Consequentially, most capes start out with at least a half dozen witnesses when they start out their career,” Lisa went on. “On top of that, lots of new capes will also have some trouble controlling their power, especially after they first get it, and will accidentally expose themselves at some point. As a result, the average cape will have around one to two dozen witnesses that can identify them by the end of their second week.”
“Or, sometimes, more,” Taylor grimaced, looking away guiltily.
Alec, eager to know more about his new inspirational model, thought frantically for a moment before a realization struck him.
“The Great Shittening of 2011!” he gasped, staring at Taylor with awe, who winced at the words. “Oh. My. God. You are my hero. Can I have an autograph?”
“The Great Shittening of 2011?” Brian repeated dryly, raising an eyebrow.
“Indeed!” Lisa chirped, grin widening. “At the beginning of the year, FEMA announced a quarantine of Winslow High School. It was in response to what was suspected to be the outbreak of some new super flu. Their reason? Everyone in the school, students and teachers alike, suddenly had a massive outbreak of explosive diarrhea! The outbreak only lasted for about four hours, but even the PRT was involved due to suspected Biotinker involvement. The quarantine lasted a week before the school was finally released as no new strain could be identified.”
Brian was silent for a moment, contemplating the magnitude of the situation and what it meant. Apparently, Taylor was not limited in the usage of her power.
“Why?” he couldn’t help but ask.
“They had it coming,” Taylor grumbled darkly. Brian decided to change the topic immediately. This whole thing stank (of trigger trauma, not of feces).
“Well, I feel sorry for the janitors,” he offered instead.
“They all quit on the spot when they were told they were expected to clean it up,” Taylor admitted. “FEMA ended up having to do the decontamination procedures themselves.”
“Case in point,” Lisa nodded, moving her presentation on. “Consequentially, the PRT has entire teams dedicated to identifying new capes, after which they ‘keep an eye’ on them. Immediately after a cape starts going out, they will ‘accidentally’ run into them, and then run roughshod in order to force them to join up.” Lisa shrugged. “Or their info gets leaked to the gangs and they get there first. It’s honestly a coin toss which one is more likely.”
“Well, that seems shady,” Taylor nodded slowly, frowning with eyes narrowed as she considered the situation. “But if they’re waiting until the new cape goes out, are they technically doing anything wrong? I wanted to be a hero on my first to see how well I could do. But, I mean, even if they approached me, I could just say no?”
“You could say that, but you could be wrong!” Lisa chopped the air. “The PRT will say anything to get you in the door, and they make sure to research anyone thoroughly. Have a sick loved one or injured family member? Oh, the PRT has great medical! Rough family situation? The PRT has plenty of connections in CPS! They’ll say just about anything to get you in the door.
“And that’s only if you haven’t technically done anything wrong,” Lisa continued dramatically. “Most new capes make some sort of mistake when they’re getting used to their power that results in them breaking some sort of law. Oh, you have super strength and accidentally broke something! That’s vandalism, young lady! Accidentally trip someone and bruise them lightly? How dare you engage in assault! Do something flashy and surprise some random person on the street? A clear sign of villainous terrorism! If you don’t join up with the PRT, we’re going to make up new laws just to charge you with!”
“It can’t be that bad, can it?” Taylor pointed out, and Brian shrugged.
“Honestly, I think Lisa is exaggerating a bit,” he admitted. “However, technically, I think you actually qualify as a parahuman terrorist at this point. The Great Shittening and all.”
“Oh, yeah,” Taylor sheepishly rubbed her head. “Good point.”
“Indeed. And what awaits you after they press gang you into service? Why, none other than the dreaded pit of inadequacy known as the Wards!” Lisa gestured dramatically. Taylor raised an eyebrow.
“Aren’t the Wards a sort of junior hero organization?” she asked, and Lisa cut her off with a sharp waive of her hand.
“You would think that, and you would be wrong!” the thinker declared. “They advertise themselves as that, but in truth they’re actually a combination PR and preparatory organization focused on keeping the members as far away from danger as possible while simultaneously brainwashing them into being obedient drones!”
“Really?” Taylor asked, skeptically, before turning to Brian, having already concluded that he was the one to talk to if she wanted a less inflammatory explanation.
They’d only known each other for little over two hours at that point, and already she had identified him as being the sane one. It made Brian a little proud.
“Actually, she’s not far off,” he admitted, shrugging. “Remember, the Wards were originally designed as a safe place for young heroes to get training and experience without being in danger. The Wards program is supposed to offer extensive resources for power testing and training, letting new capes figure out their powers in a lab with experienced advice and safety equipment rather than on the streets where they might hurt themselves or others just because they didn’t know their powers could do something. Beyond that, it’s mostly meant to be training in PRT protocols: things like what sort of equipment is available, how to use it, and how to requisition it. Also, things like communication protocols, M/S procedures, patrol etiquette in low-risk areas, things like that. Honestly, it was supposed to be like a junior ROTC type thing, originally. They weren’t ever supposed to actually see combat until they were of age.”
“Huh,” Taylor pursed her lips, looking surprised by the thoroughness of the answer. “Wait, how do you know that?”
“When I first got my powers, I didn’t just think to myself, ‘oh, cool, time to be a villain’,” Brian told her dryly. “I looked into my options. Unfortunately, the Wards wasn’t able to meet my… financial needs at the time.”
“If that’s what they’re supposed to be, then how did they end up like they did now?” Taylor pressed.
“Bureaucratic buffoonery,” Lisa supplied easily. “Some of the higher ups realized that that the low-risk patrols got a lot of exposure, so they started making them more about PR campaigns then actual training. Then the PR folks realized they could cash in on that and started merchandizing. Then more higher ups started to get annoyed that they had all these potential parahumans that they could be using to supplement the actual soldiers. Then a bunch of angry PTA members with too much time on their hands started to protest that and started the Youth Gard. Before you know it, it’s all a giant can of stupidity and conflicts of interest.”
“That… that makes entirely too much sense,” Taylor sighed, rubbing her forehead in resignation. “If there’s anything you can trust, it’s that whoever is in authority is probably someone who just doesn’t deserve that authority.”
Judging by the bitterness in her words, Brian assumed there was some experience to back up the statement.
“So, let’s be honest,” Lisa went on with her pitch. “Taylor, I’m going to be upfront with it, your power has incredible potential when it comes to stopping someone, especially in a non-lethal and effective way. It also serves as an incredible deterrent. But just how do you think the PRT’s PR department is going to react to it?”
“Oh. Oh no,” Taylor whispered as she suddenly had a vision of just what her future with the PRT would be if she did join the program.
“Oh yes,” Lisa nodded, tone consoling. “There are basically three options. The first, is that they treat you like a humor hero. They would dress you up in the most ridiculous costume they can think of to try and downplay just what it is you do. Anytime you use your power, they would make you use some sort of incredibly lame one liner to try and divert attention from it. In order to distract the public from just what it is you do, they would make you a walking joke.”
To emphasize her point, Lisa pulled up a picture of Mouse Protector, the most famous example of a joke hero. And then, next to it, a picture of a masked girl decked out in a dress that appeared to be shaped like a toilet. Her mask was actually shaped like a flushing handle. Across the mashup in the top was the title ‘The Adventures of Mouse Protector and her Side Kick: Poop Patrol!’
Brian cringed at the image, though he couldn’t help but wonder just WHERE Lisa had found something ridiculous like that.
“I would be a laughingstock!” Taylor groaned furiously. “Everyone would make fun of me, and it would be their fault! They’d do it on purpose!”
“Fuck that,” Alec agreed, nodding his head sagely. His wise master deserved only the highest of respect. Only fools would ridicule her gift. Truly, pearls before swine.
“Option two,” Lisa went on, pressing her point, “would be they just keep you out of sight. Period. You can’t generate bad press if you just don’t show up in the press at all. Limited release of information, downplaying an accomplishment, and then quietly moving you out of sight somewhere where you can’t do any harm to their precious reputation.”
This time, to emphasize her point, Lisa pulled up a picture of the Madison Exclusion zone. Taylor said nothing, but winced at the thought. She turned to Brian and he shrugged.
“Yeah,” he admitted. “I mean, I’m not sure it would be that bad, but you could definitely expect to be treated like a dirty secret.”
“And finally, the third option,” Lisa continued, tone turning dark. “Frankly, they just might get rid of you rather than have to deal with you.”
The image she brought up this time was none other than a picture of Bad Canary at her trial.
“What!?” Taylor gaped, recoiling in disbelief.
“Taylor, honey,” Lisa continued gently. “Let’s be honest: your power could very well be considered a human Master type power; you’re performing a precise control of another human’s biology. And human Masters are under some pretty intense scrutiny. They make the powers that be very, very nervous, and they’ve already shown that they’re willing to use creative interpretations of the law to make sure that human Masters are placed somewhere where there’s zero chance of them interacting with the public.”
“It would reek of bullshit, no pun intended,” Brian added with a grimace, “but they could probably try to press charges for the Great Shittening. Phrase it as some sort of demented bio attack, talk it up as a terrorist strike against an innocent target. I mean, it wouldn’t fool anyone with half a brain, but that’s basically what they did with Bad Canary.”
Taylor could only sit, staring at the screen in front of her, stunned to silence.
“This is a nightmare,” she whispered. Alec patted her shoulder in commiseration, then offered a plate of cookies to the shellshocked girl. She took them automatically.
“I know,” Lisa gave her a gentle look, tone dripping with commiseration. “However, those aren’t your only options.”
The screen changed to a picture of picture of a masked man grinning widely at the viewer with a big thumbs up. Above the image was the title ‘Villany! Fuck Yeah!’
It took Brian a second, but he finally identified the man in question to be the old villain Marquis, a villain who was noted for his brutality, but also for a rigid sort of honor system in how he used that brutality.
Brian was certain that the man had never actually posed for a picture like that, and was beginning to suspect that Lisa spent way too much time on photoshop. It was a very realistic picture.
Taylor gave the image a flat look, and then turned that look on Lisa. She somehow managed to look even more unimpressed as time went on.
“Now, hear me out,” Lisa began, grinning unrepentantly. “First off, did you know that as a villain you are actually MORE likely to fight another villain than you are a hero? In fact, villains fight more villains than actual heroes do!”
The slide changed, and now there were a complicated series of arrows pointing to various stick figures. Alec cocked his head at it, trying to make some sort of sense of it and finding he couldn’t.
“For instance,” she declared, pointing at the figures in what Brian assumed was a random fashion designed simply to add emphasis to her speech rather than actually contribute to it. “If a villain wants to make some quick money, they could always go out and rob a bank, but that has a ton of problems! Hero interference, increase in notoriety, the possibility of hurting someone by accident and generating a bounty, or even a kill order!
“Now, compare that to if instead a villain waits until another villain commits a robbery, and then just robs the villain who did the robbery instead!” Lisa pointed out cheerfully. “You can get all the money of the robbery, with none of the downside! It’s practically a crime not to target the villain instead!”
“Actually, isn’t that like a double crime?” Taylor pointed out, cocking her head to the side in hesitation.
“Not sure how that translates in a court of law,” Brian cut in, shrugging, “but yes, I can confirm it’s a pretty common practice. The Undersiders actually specialize in targeting other gang resources. We’ve hit the Eighty-Eight, the ABB, and the Merchants. The only group in the city we haven’t targeted is the Palanquin.”
“Indeed!” Lisa chirped, switching the slide to a series of graphs. Brian suspected it was just filler, as none of the bars or axis were actually labeled. Instead, she just began gesturing at random to various bars. “By selectively targeting and removing aggressive gang assets, you could even say the Undersiders are contributing to the safety of the city. After all, heroes can only move in a reactive fashion, whereas we can be a proactive force of good and safety for the people!”
“Okay, laying it on a little thick, but not entirely inaccurate,” Brian sighed. Taylor looked a little skeptical.
“This whole presentation is starting to feel a little shady,” she admitted. “Like I’m about to be conned into some sort of pyramid scheme…”
Before Lisa’s days as a grifter, she had actually tried to get an actual job as a time-share salesperson, before she decided it was too shady, even for her, and she switched to just outright grafting.
It left her feeling just a little dirty inside, but if the skills she learned during her darkest days could help bring Taylor into the team, then that was just what Lisa was willing to do. She’d shower extra hard later to compensate.
“But wait,” the thinker continued glibly. “’Lisa, just how would I contribute to these monumental acts of justice’? Well, Taylor, I’m glad you asked…”
“But I didn’t…”
“For you see!” Lisa changed the slide again, and both Brian and Taylor gaped as yet another obviously photoshopped picture appeared. It featured a picture of Taylor, which appeared to have been taken at some point during this actual presentation and photoshopped to be seated upon a golden throne atop a mountain, with other poorly pasted pictures of various other villains groveling at the base of hill.
“When did you…!?”
“For you see!” Lisa repeated, cutting off the surprised squeak. “Taylor, what your power brings to the table is threefold! First, it has amazing stopping potential. The Undersiders are at their center a smash and grab organization. We get in, we get the money, we get out! The faster the better. Your powers can function in every element of our engagement: delaying and disrupting sentries as we arrive and infiltrate the facilities! Keeping any attackers attempting to stop us from closing and initiating combat! And also prevent any pursuit as we make our escape!”
“All true,” Brian advised, nodding seriously as Taylor gave him a hesitant look. “The simple fact is you have the raw delaying potential that could reduce or just outright prevent any form of confrontation. Just as importantly, barring… extreme cases, it is also a completely non-lethal effect. A lot of villains can hold grudges if they’re defeated in combat, or have allies that can take revenge. With you on the team, there would still be vendettas for the loss of funds or resources, but those tend to be a lot less personal than violence-oriented revenge.”
“Second!” Lisa announced, holding up two fingers in emphasis. “Your powers serve as an actual deferent! There are villains and capes out there who will actively seek to avoid us once the realize that you’re present on the team! In fact, I have no doubt that some of the villains will actually try to cover up some of our raids afterwards, concealing them and refusing to admit that they had any losses at all, making our victory not just complete, but profitable, and free of retaliation!”
“’Our’?” Taylor repeated, looking completely out of sorts as Lisa’s unrelenting verbal assault continued. “But I haven’t joined yet…”
“Again, she’s not wrong,” Brian offered, deliberately easing the conversation, and giving Taylor a chance to recover herself. “One of the things you have to understand is that for a villain, reputation is one of the most important things you can focus on. It’s not just the heroes who have to worry about PR.”
“What do you mean?” Taylor asked slowly.
“Think of the difference between someone like Uber and Leet, compared to Hookwolf, or Lung,” Brian explained. “Their all villains, but their reputations are completely different. Uber and Leet are basically jokes. Everyone knows that they’re small time. Imagine if they pulled off a big heist, and another group finds out about them. That group would know they have a reasonable chance to actually hit the other villain and steal their new funds without significant risk. The heroes also barely put any effort into stopping them, knowing that the chances of them significantly hurting someone is low.
“Compare that to Hookwolf,” Brian continued, shaking his head. “Everyone knows that man is a sadist. He enjoys cutting people up, as a history of civilian casualties, and he even attacked Vista, a Ward once. You have to think very carefully about attacking someone like that, so most villains will avoid him. On the flip side, the heroes are more likely to interfere due to history of casual violence and damage to innocent by standards.
“And then there’s Lung,” he started, before pausing. “Or, there was Lung before what you did got out. He has a reputation for being an unstoppable juggernaut, he took on the whole Protectorate and won. Plenty of innocent victims as well, once he gets big enough. The whole city knows that your better off just running, and even the heroes avoid actual conflict.”
“Or, at least they did,” Lisa cut in. “Now, think about what will happen if word got out that he was defeated. More importantly, just HOW he was defeated.”
“Oh,” Taylor blinked. “Oh. That’s got to be pretty embarrassing.”
“Exactly,” Brian nodded. “Maybe if you had come at him in a surprise attack or something I might be worried. He pretty much has to come at you again if he wants any chance of recovering any of his reputation. But you actually gave him time to ramp up and then stopped him, so I think you have damn good odds of being able to repeat the performance if it comes up.”
“Once word gets out people are going to be figuratively shitting themselves at the thought of facing you and then literally shitting themselves,” Alec concluded, nodding as he did so. “We’ll be able to basically walk in unopposed and then walk out. We’d practically be considered to be extracting a sanitation tax rather than a heist at that point.”
“And thirdly,” Lisa’s face was actually starting to hurt from how much she’d been smiling over the last two hours. “The blackmail! Think of it! If we just make sure you always have a body cam, we can actually record it and then threaten to post it on PHO! Not only will it act as additional deferent against retaliation, it will practically be an entirely separate revenue income!”
“Or, you know, we could just post them all anyway,” Alec pointed out. “Get a reputation, maybe a following on PHO. That way everyone would know just what will happen to them if they try anything.”
“Isn’t that a little mean?” Taylor pointed out, frowning unhappily.
“Not at all! It is for great justice!” Lisa insisted dramatically.
“Not quite as much as Lisa is saying, but not entirely untrue,” Brian sighed as he again played the responsible one. “If we did something like that, and just posted all the videos, it would be a huge hit in reputation not just among the cape community, but in general as well. I mean, imagine if you were thinking of joining the Eighty-Eight and went to a rally to see Kaiser speak, but right after you finished watching a video of a young girl making him shit himself. I mean, just how serious would you actually take anything he said? How much less likely would you be to actually join?”
“Those… are very good points,” Taylor admitted.
“Also, we have cookies and beer,” Alec contributed raising said beer in emphasis.
“Taylor,” Lisa began and for the first time since she had identified the other girl’s powers the thinker sounded absolutely serious. “I know I’ve been a bit over the top about this. But none of my points are invalidated by that. I know you want to be a hero. If that’s what you want, I second Brian’s vote about always having enough bribe money on hand in case we run into you on a heist.”
“Thirded,” Alec added.
“Same,” Rachel grunted. She had spent most of the conversation just ignoring the rest, mostly just waiting for the damn talking to stop so she could see if the new girl was joining or not.
“But you should seriously consider: just how effective of a hero can you be? If you were independent, just finding crime would become a major hassle. You’d need information to locate them, or you’d just be stuck wandering the city and hoping you luck out. Additionally, how likely would any of the other organizations be to help you?
“If you did join the organizations, you’d get some logistical support, true,” Lisa admitted, “but it would be at the cost of having to follow their regulations and requirements. There is absolutely no doubt that would have some pretty severe restrictions.”
Brian watched quietly, knowing that at this point Lisa wasn’t using anymore jokes and was just listing straight facts. He didn’t need to break in to try and keep her from going too far anymore.
Taylor seemed to have realized it as well. She looked conflicted, biting her lip and fidgeting in her chair as she considered everything.
“It’s true, a lot of the gangs out there are evil, organizations whose ideals hurt others,” Lisa went on. “The Eighty-Eight and their idolatry of hate, Lung and his slavers, the Merchants and their drugs. We, the Undersiders, are not like that. We are financially driven, ethnically diverse team who are all criminals for personal reasons. We’re not in it to hurt anyone, or take advantage of anyone, we’re just trying to make enough money to keep our heads above water.”
“It’s true,” Brian nodded. “If you join, we might be willing to talk more about ourselves, though that’s up to everyone to decide on their own. But I can safely say I trust everyone on the team not to go to far, not to stab any of the rest of us in the back. That’s a lot more than a lot of the gangs can say.”
“It’s also true that our targets are the other gangs,” Lisa went on. “We don’t go out of our way to hurt anyone, and the loss of resources does keep the other gangs from doing their own operations. You would be able to use your power on worthy targets, and make some good money off it as well. I’m not lying or trying to make fun of you: we genuinely want you on the team, and genuinely think your power is potent and can contribute meaningfully.”
Lisa stopped, and the rest of the room was quiet for a moment. Taylor, eyes closed in thought was obviously conflicted. Then she took a deep breath, and opened her eyes, determined.
“I’m in.”
Alec whooped, and Brian smiled as he clapped quietly. Rachel gave a brief nod. Lisa leaned back, smiling in satisfaction.
“For great justice,” she proclaimed, welcoming their newest team member.