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“I didn’t mean it.” Laudna’s eyes are brimming with inky tears as her voice breaks, meeting Imogen’s gaze. “I didn’t mean it,” she pleads for her to understand.
The sadness on Imogen’s face steals what little breath remains in her lungs. Laudna’s slow-beating heart aches in her chest. Her darling Imogen, so sad because of her… The despair of the night and of harming Orym… Inky tears descend pale cheeks.
“I know you didn't mean it, honey. C’mere.” Imogen pulls Laudna closer, hugging her just hard enough that the pressure grounds her.
Laudna buries her face in Imogen’s hair and clings to her. It’s comfort she doesn't deserve, but Imogen’s unique warmth and scent calms her slightly.
Laudna opens her mouth to try to explain herself, to try to talk it out so she herself can perhaps understand what just happened better, but all that comes out is a strangled sob.
Imogen slowly rocks her back and forth, shushing her gently and pressing a kiss to the side of Laudna’s head near the tip of her ear. The heat of her compared to the cool metal that covers the ears that Delilah mutilated decades ago makes Laudna shudder.
“Words are hard sometimes, hon. It’s okay.” Imogen murmurs. She understands that better than almost anyone on Exandria, of course.
Laudna nods against Imogen’s neck. She reaches out silently, happy to feel the faint mental connection Imogen always keeps with her. Ready, should they ever need it, even with Imogen’s circlet. Laudna can feel Imogen’s arms around her tighten slightly when she does the mental equivalent of knocking at Imogen’s mind-door.
Laudna sags against her girlfriend in relief when Imogen’s mind connects with hers. It’s a breath of fresh air after being alone in her mind or stuck with Delilah as company. She’s beyond grateful that Imogen has the circlet and is in less pain, but desperately misses feeling Imogen’s mind brush up against hers multiple times a day.
Do you want to stay up here tonight and watch the stars, or do you want to go to our room? Imogen asks in her head.
I’d love to curl up somewhere soft with you, and roof tiles aren’t necessarily squishy.
Imogen nods. Hold onto me, darlin’.
Laudna doesn't hesitate to tighten her grip on her girlfriend, but before she can ask why it’s necessary, Imogen has already bent down and scooped her up. She’s built for speed and dodging more than strength, and Laudna can feel the trembling and twitching of Imogen’s muscles as they rise and head towards the side of the tavern.
Laudna lifts her head up and uses a quick thaumaturgy to open the window Imogen is flying towards. It’s not a large window, so getting them both through without Imogen dropping her isn’t easy. But her darling girl is capable and smart, and finagles them through with minimal issue.
Imogen floats them down onto the floor and gently sets Laudna down. Laudna feels a spark of instinctual panic when Imogen begins to pull away.
I’m staying right here, Laudna. I’m not going anywhere. I’m just lettin’ you get ready for bed.
Laudna releases her grasp on Imogen and looks through the veil of her hair, a method of hiding she perfected long ago. She can't remember the last time she felt the need to hide so strongly that it includes hiding from Imogen. She can tell through their tentative mental connection that Imogen recognizes the action for what it is.
Imogen gives her a sad smile. You never have to hide from me. D’you want some help with your clothes?
Yes, please.
Laudna looks down at herself, to where she had just minutes ago plunged a dagger into her chest. She raises one shaky hand and presses it to her bony sternum, right over where her heart is. Her dress is ripped where the dagger went through it, but when her fingers press against her skin, there’s no mark. Laudna exhales a shaky sigh, her lower lip trembling.
I… I’ll have to Mend this.
Imogen places her hand over Laudna’s and uses her other one to brush Laudna’s hair out of the way, tucking it behind her ear. You can do that in the morning, honey. Let’s get you undressed.
Laudna’s eyes stare blankly ahead as Imogen helps her undress until she’s just in her undergarments. She moves with Imogen to help get undressed, but stands still as a statue otherwise, unblinking and her breathing slows even further until it’s nearly imperceptible.
When she finally blinks and comes back to herself, she’s in bed. Imogen is just in her smallclothes too, lying on her back. Laudna is on her side, wrapped around Imogen and holding her as tightly as her atrophied muscles can. Imogen has one hand on her stomach and the other behind Laudna, running through her hair and gently scratching her scalp the way she likes. Laudna realizes her nails are pressed into her girlfriend’s skin, undoubtedly leaving deep marks or piercing the skin.
Laudna releases her death grip on Imogen and looks up to see her girlfriend’s eyes are already on her. She forces herself not to look away, feeling undeserving of the love and warmth she sees, and simultaneously feeling awful for the sorrow and worry that she also sees in her gaze.
Laudna rests her head back down and reaches for the hand Imogen has resting on her stomach, fidgeting with her girlfriend’s fingers. Sorry for scratching you, my dear.
Imogen shifts and presses a kiss to the top of Laudna’s head. It’s quite alright, I don't mind. It might even be enjoyable in other contexts.
Laudna’s head whips up to see Imogen doing an adorably terrible job at wiggling her eyebrows at her. It does break some of the tension inside her as Laudna giggles and gently swats Imogen’s hand before going back to playing with her fingers.
They lay in silence for a while until it’s broken by Imogen. Do you want to talk about it?
Laudna buries her face against Imogen’s chest. Nooooo. She can feel Imogen’s chest move with her quiet laughter. But I should. That sword… that damn sword… There’s a pang in the still-healing scar from when the sword killed her. Imogen, that sword killed me. Otohan used that sword to hurt our little family, and specifically to hurt you by killing me. I can’t look at it without being reminded of my second death.
I don’t like it either. The fact we’re keepin’ it makes me uneasy. And Orym having it out… Laudna can feel an overwhelming wave of grief, despair, and guilt radiating through their connection. I can’t look at it without seeing you fucking shish-kabobbed on it. Without remembering those Gods-awful days when you were dead. You’re my tether, my best friend, my love, my everything. That sword might as well have killed me too that day. Imogen chuckles wetly and Laudna looks up to see tears streaming down her girlfriend’s face. Not to fuckin… compete about our trauma with that sword or anythin’. But trust me when I tell you I understand not liking having it around.
Laudna reaches up, inky tears falling from her eyes both from the words and from the pain coming from Imogen at this moment. She gently cradles her girlfriend’s cheek and uses her thumb to brush the tears from her face. A soothing, repetitive motion because neither of their tears are stopping.
My darling Imogen. I would never say it wouldn't be difficult, but you are strong and brave, and so very special. I will do everything I can to stay by your side, but you sell yourself short. Even if I were gone, you would still be an amazing woman doing incredible things.
Imogen shakes her head, reaching up with the hand that was resting on her stomach and mimics Laudna by gently cupping her face. Both to wipe away some of her tears and to make sure that Laudna is looking up at her.
Laudna, you don't understand. She inhales sharply and exhales slowly and shakily, her lower lip trembling. I’ve been on Exandria for 28 years now. After Mom left and Dad retreated into himself–especially once my powers started developing–I grew up scared and, despite all the voices in my head, alone. I grew up in a house, sure, but darlin’... I didn’t know what home meant until we found each other. Laudna gasps softly at her words. With you, I found unconditional love. I found peace, safety… and hope. Home is wherever you are, and I can’t lose you. Not again. I won't survive it.
The conviction in Imogen’s words, the fact that’s how she feels for Laudna, a twice-dead woman with her killer stuck in her head… Let’s never find out, then.
Fuck no. And that includes taking yourself back from that leech. I’ll kick her ass no matter what dimension or circle of hell or plane of existence she’s on. Laudna, you are so strong and capable. Your choices are your own, I would never want to force you to do anything. I just wish you saw how freakin’ good you are.
Even with Laudna’s blood sluggishly flowing through her veins, Imogen’s words still make a purplish flush appear on her cheeks. I… I know you believe that, Imogen. It’s not something I’m willing to take a gamble on, though. I need to be as strong as possible so we can try to help save Exandria, which is still a wild concept to me. But darling, I want to protect you. If Delilah can give me more power to do that, then I see it as a necessary evil. I’m not arrogant enough to believe that my powers alone can get us through this, not with your safety and life at stake. I don’t like her or trust her, but I do trust her interest in her own self-preservation. And while she’s stuck with me, if she wants to survive, that includes keeping you safe.
Imogen purses her lips, still gently running her fingers through Laudna’s hair. I don’t like it, but I do understand your choice. We’ll keep each other safe, alright? And once this is all over, when I get my hands on her, I’m wringing Delilah’s scrawny fuckin’ neck.
I won’t stop you, darling. Unless she forces me to do something. Laudna frowns at the thought.
We’ll figure it out, Laudna.
Laudna hums in agreement and closes her eyes, resting her head back down on Imogen’s chest. She lets their connection wash over her, filling the hollowness in her chest with the warmth and the love that permeates their mental link.
They’re silent for a while before Laudna forms words out of the thoughts swirling around in her brain like a Ruidian storm. I didn’t mean for tonight to end like this. I was… trying to protect Orym from that sword, and I… I hurt him. I just wanted Delilah to make sure it wasn’t cursed or sentient. That’s all.
I don't know if she would’ve told you the truth if it wasn’t cursed or somethin’. She’s interested in power, and that sword is powerful. It’s in her best interest to absorb it, and you would be more eager to do so if she told you it was cursed.
Laudna’s shoulders slump. That’s true. I don't trust the sword, regardless. I don't want any of us to use it. The only good it can do is get sucked up through the magical vacuum thing and empower one of us. It’s not just Orym’s decision.
And what Chet said about Orym’s loss being the biggest really got to you too.
I think they forget sometimes, what I’ve lost. I’m not trying to start the “whose trauma is worse” challenge because that’s not how trauma works. But Orym and I have different ways of coping with grief. His losses are great and unimaginable, and he wears it on his face. He’s a wonderful man who has an air of sadness and grief. That’s valid, of course, and I… I think sometimes that because I’m usually more bubbly and smiley, that the others forget, or perhaps don't take it as seriously? That sounds bad. I don't know how to word this.
Because you’re more visibly happy, folks can forget that happiness can exist alongside grief and sadness.
Laudna presses a kiss to the skin in front of her lips. Exactly, darling, thank you. I’ve been around for over five decades now and died twice. My life and undeath has been a melodramatic tragedy for the most part. I… I lost my parents, the home I grew up in, left the fucking continent I grew up on. I lost my identity when I died, my corpse used as a macabre mannequin version of my murderer’s enemy. I basically lost my mind. Alone for 30 years with no one but Paté, my own creation so I wouldn't completely go insane, and the woman who fucking murdered me in my head. I lost any place I ever tried to make mine, often losing everything but the clothes on my back, when I would get run out of towns or abandoned homes. I lost my identity with my mind and rebuilt the broken Matilda as the barely patched up Laudna. I mean, Gods Imogen, I don't even have possession of my own soul! Delilah took that control from me too. She’s taken control of my body before. The reason I can be so happy, excitable… I will actually lose my mind if I think too much about my existence and what I’ve lost, how little control I have over anything, including myself. But I’m tired, and terrified about the future, about losing our little family. Terrified about losing you.
Imogen pulls Laudna closer to her, silent tears falling. I think… the others need to hear that too. At least, whatever you’re willing to share with them. But not until morning, or whenever you’re ready. What can I do to help now, hon?
My head doesn't feel safe right now. I know when you got overwhelmed in the past, you would find solace in my mind. I don't have your powers, so I’m not sure how that would work, but is that something we could try?
Of course, darlin’. Just focus on me and our connection.
Laudna’s eyes close and she focuses on Imogen’s heartbeat. She can tell her girlfriend’s exaggerating her breaths so that Laudna can try to match them.
Imogen’s mind surrounds her own as Laudna lets herself be overwhelmed by the love and comfort radiating from her girlfriend. There are jagged edges of Laudna’s mind where fears and anxieties stick out like daggers. The space between the spikes is filled by Imogen as well. Not forcing her anxieties down, no. Her girlfriend knows how Laudna needs to choose things for herself, as so much is out of her control. Laudna trusts Imogen implicitly, trusts that she won’t make choices for her. From what to have for breakfast to whether or not Laudna wants to be soothed or just held.
Imogen surrounds her and Laudna hasn’t felt so safe, so loved, since she was a child. Imogen doesn't push, just allows their minds to brush up against each other. In this space where it’s just them, nothing else matters. Imogen doesn't try to smooth out her fears and worries, doesn’t flinch away from the darkest parts of Laudna, doesn't hesitate to press both her body and mind against her.
The more jagged edges don't fully recede but they lose some sharpness, becoming soft, rolling hills instead of steep, pointy mountains.
Laudna reaches out mentally, the equivalent of holding out her hand. Imogen hesitates for just a moment, but doesn't ask if she’s sure, knowing that Laudna wouldn't reach out like this if she had doubts.
Their minds connect, and it’s like a dam breaks. Any lingering walls between them vanish, yet it still feels like Imogen is gently cradling Laudna’s very soul. The parts of them that are still separate see flashes of each others’ lives. Mostly moments between the two of them, getting to relive it from their girlfriend’s perspective.
Imogen as Laudna feels her dead heart beat unexpectedly when they first met, struck by Imogen immediately. Laudna experiences Imogen’s joy and relief when they left Gelvaan together, and finally hears what her mind sounds like from Imogen’s perspective. A beautiful song in the midst of too much, too loud, too harsh minds.
Flashes of their journey. Of Imogen’s unbridled joy when she rode a horse for the first time since she left Gelvaan. Of their mutual love of the soft, domestic life they built on the road. Laudna seeing Imogen’s lightning scars for the first time and being fascinated by them. The spark Laudna felt that had nothing to do with electricity the first time Imogen touched her without her gloves. The awe (and lust?) when Imogen first saw Laudna’s Form of Dread. Their first, awkward night cuddling for warmth, neither knowing that the other wanted to cuddle regardless. The nervousness but also giddy joy of their first kiss. Their first night together as a couple, figuring out simultaneously how much and how little about their relationship was changing. Their first time together.
Seeing herself through Imogen’s eyes… Being loved so fiercely that Laudna can’t find it in herself to question how a dead woman such as herself could be attractive aesthetically, let alone romantically.
In this space, where purple swirls through a mind made up of reds and black, Laudna feels at peace. Loved. Safe.