Work Text:
“I told myself, don't get attached
But in my mind, I play it back
Spinning faster than the plane that took you”
- Taylor Swift, “Come Back … Be Here”
/
“That’s all I could gather,” said Saru, reaching the end of his report. “I wish I could have found out more.”
“Not at all,” said T’Rina. “Given the Breen’s isolation, learning the cause of their dispute is already more than we hoped for.”
His hologram flickered in front of her, the encrypted comm channel leading to a somewhat spotty connection. He wore dark, nondescript clothes to help him blend in at the small trading post where he’d been gathering information (even the Breen had to trade with somebody). His head and shoulders were bowed, and not just because of their height difference. He looked tired.
“From that my sources tell me, these people remind me of the Ba’ul,” he said. “Please don’t add that to my report, now - speaking as an ambassador, I realize we don’t know enough to make comparisons like that.”
“Speaking as a private citizen, however … ?”
“It’s just a feeling I have.” He fidgeted with the lapels of his long gray coat. “That armour, those vocoders … No one works so hard to inspire fear unless they’re afraid themselves.”
“Afraid?” T’Rina glanced down in surprise. at the schematic of a Breen dreadnaught hovering above the screen of her desk. It made Discovery look like a child’s toy. Still, military force was not always a measure of strength, in fact sometimes it showed the opposite. It would not surprise her if Saru was right. “What do you suppose they fear?”
“The Federation? Each other? … I don’t know. I wish we could show them they don’t need to be.”
He did not say this with disgust, as almost anyone else might have after researching the Breen and learning about their role in the Dominion War, not to mention his own memories of the fraught history between Kelpiens and Ba’ul, who had been each other’s nightmare for thousands of years. He said it sadly, compassionately, and T’Rina had to clasp her hands together so as not to reach for him and disturb the projection.
“This must be why Laira selected you for this mission,” she said instead. “You have a rare gift of empathy in situations like this.”
“Well, now … ” Saru let out a soft self-conscious laugh, even as some of the tension lifted from his posture. ‘Do be careful, Madame President. Anyone would think you were biased.”
“In your favour? I am. Nevertheless, it is true.”
“How could I argue with that? … Oh, I’ve missed you.” Even in holographic form, she could see the pupils darken in his bright blue eyes.
“So have I … do you know when you will return?”
“Not yet.” He sighed. “There is still one more source with whom I’m waiting to make contact.”
“An important source?”
“I’m afraid I won’t know until I speak to them.”
Come back … be here.
She could say it. She could ask him to cut his mission short. As a fellow member of the Federation Council, it would not be an unreasonable request. He could leave that disreputable trading post on the edge of disputed territory behind and come back to her, safe and sound … Except that nowhere would be safe if the Breen civil war caught up to them, a prospect growing more likely by the day.
She drew a lifetime’s worth of discipline around her, like structured undergarments beneath a flowing gown, and said, “I will pass along your report to the Council, then. Take care.”
“You too, my love.”
The unprofessional word choice tugged at her heart.
He held out two fingers and she did the same, stroking lightly along the flickering edges of the hologram. She could imagine his skin so clearly, the warmth and smoothness, the electric undercurrent of his emotions beneath the surface … but she couldn’t feel it, and for just a moment, she wished the Breen to the most torturous depths of her Romulan ancestors’ hell.
“T’Rina out.”
His hologram vanished. She dropped into her desk, bowed her head, and wrapped her hands around a cool flowerpot until they stopped tingling.
Father Surak, what did I expect? Did I really think his leaving Starfleet meant he would stop leaving me? Seeing his tall figure standing before her with military dignity, hearing how committed he was to his mission, she added: And honestly, would I have him any other way?
She would not. She would lose respect for a man who threw his conscience out the airlock for her, and she would lose respect for herself. Holding him back for fear of losing him would make her no better, on a domestic scale, than the Breen were on a galactic one.
But oh, this love and respect came at a cost.