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In the middle of the night, Silver cries again. His scent changes to something unpleasant. It must’ve been time for a diaper change.
“What else do you need, Silver? Is it too warm again? Too cold?”
Maybe he was lamenting the fact that Lilia stole him away from that dusty castle. Maybe he was mourning his parents. Perhaps he could detect the foreign space and didn’t like it.
Silver was expressing pain in his cries, surely.
What were they to do? No wonder why parenting was usually delegated to multiple people. No matter how fast Lilia considers themself to be, they had the knowledge of negative persons combined!
Lilia was never meant to be a parent, it's been misfortune after misfortune. The stars want their child back, and Lilia was so selfishly keeping Silver alive.
When Lilia lifts the infant into their arms again, the wails cease in an instant, the baby staring at Lilia with those colourful eyes that put the most priceless gems to shame. “All that fuss to be held again?”
How many times has Lilia had their arms wrapped around a human like this before? Back then, it mattered not if they were children, had families, or were neutral to the conflict, they were given an order and they were the one to deal it out.
Lilia didn’t hesitate. They used to think about the lives they had beyond their grip. It was dangerous to believe they could decide who deserved to see another day. At the end of the day, it didn't matter, as long as the crown was safe. It was simply who was able to survive and who didn’t.
Their screams and pleas echo in the chambers of their head, persistent in their haunting choir even centuries later. The haunting choir of pleas to let their child live, to grant mercy to their families, to curses to the fae, for their last breath to be spent on unruly names to their demise, to spite and hate beyond death.
Monster. That’s what they called them.
The people that accepted Lilia into their circle possessed power much greater than their own, so it was natural that they were beside the throne as the right-hand man to the Princess, alongside her husband. They could accomplish gargantuan feats with a pinch of the magic reserve Lilia would’ve needed.
Lilia never needed to truly worry about their survival, but they had regardless, due to loyalty, dutifulness, whatever it may have been. The royal family took them in when they had nothing left to their name, would it not be fair to devote their life to do the same?
In this world, it was no longer about deciding. Lilia will do whatever it takes to protect the ones they loved.
If Lilia kept their eyes off for a moment, something could happen. It was much like patrolling in the days of the war. They knew their division would get out unscathed, all they needed was a command to pick up their arms.
This was different from night patrol. Lilia needed to mind the fire from time to time. Due to their runes, nothing harmful lurking in the woods nearby could find them— even more-so with Lilia’s active presence in the home.
Heh, as if anyone could disturb a hair on Silver’s head under Lilia’s watch. Maybe for their ill intentions, Lilia could give them a less peaceful send off.
But the danger Lilia knew how to handle was not useful in this situation, the danger Silver faces is one that needs no weapon or command.
Silver did not need to be protected from iron or fire. One wrong gust of wind could take the little one out.
The infant in his arms wouldn’t be able to defend himself if Lilia were to enact force on him.
Silver wouldn’t be able to find oxygen from below his bathwater, or catch himself if Lilia threw him in the air.
Would Lilia watch the life fade from his eyes like so many before him?
Silver’s crying pulls Lilia out of their head, and they find their arms shaking, jostling the child from his slumber. These same arms have held weapons, bodies, gouged out remains, the last vestiges of life and are now wrapped around-
Lilia almost trips themself when putting Silver down in his crib, less refined than they intended.
They were terrifying. These thoughts, the person they used to be, the person that they are.
Their runes sensed a new presence among them. Magenta eyes glowed and fangs bared as Lilia held Silver close, two knocks came to their door.
“General?”
Relaxing their defensive stance, Lilia’s newfound tension gradually left their body as they flew to the door and opened it. “Baul.”
There lay a briefcase by his side, a small egg wrapped and tucked into the swell of his chest. “I’m sorry for the intrusion, but I didn’t feel at peace leaving you alone after your visit.”
“I don’t-”
Baul fixed them with a stern look. “If I may speak out of line.”
“You don’t need my permission to do so.”
So Baul didn’t waste any time. “Now’s not the time for your ego to get in the way. You may be ready to deal with the repercussions of your pride, but is he?”
Their eyes follow Baul’s to the baby in their arms. Silver was still as inconsolable as ever. If he continues at this rate, will his heart stop? Fear creeps into Lilia’s heart.
Will it be so bad?
Silver won’t have to deal with the struggles of the current society, he could either reunite with his parents or rest on the wheel of fate until it was his turn to step into the world once more.
Instead of voicing any of these thoughts, Lilia steps aside. “Come in.”
Baul takes off his shoes as courtesy dictates and walks inside the cottage, eyes immediately scanning the floors in scrutiny.
“Where’s Iberos?”
“My wife is currently taking the grandchildren out to hunt.” Baul follows Lilia to the common area. Currently finished with his floor inspection, he goes to examine the crying infant in Lilia’s arms, who’s still screaming as if he’s been wronged. “I’ve brought supplies to baby-proof your space.”
“This soon? Silver can’t even walk.”
“Babies crawl first. It should be moving around on its own very soon.” Baul examined the space where Lilia’s spinning wheel sat, mapping out an image in his head. “You can start giving him time to be on his stomach to develop his motor skills.”
For Silver’s eyes weren’t adjusted to the dark, the soft glow of moonlight finally revealed Baul’s visage, and the infant slowed down his protests for a moment to take in the familiar face.
Lilia has been rocking Silver non-stop, nothing seemed to be what the baby was looking for. Was it simply missing Baul?
Baul blinked back at the small creature. “Hello.”
On cue, Silver’s behaviour switches up and he hiccups, bursting into tears once more.
“What the hell.” Lilia brings a hand up to contain the kicking. “Just tell me what you want, there’s no need for all these theatrics.”
“When did you set him down to bed?”
“Around two past midnight. I changed his nappy a little bit before that. He’d been fussy ever since the sun went down today.”
“Is he afraid of the dark?” Baul then shakes his head. “No, that would disturb his cycle more than help it, but it could be a possibility. Regardless, I believe he’s overtired now, so that might be the cause for all the fuss.”
Lilia lidded their eyes, fixing the infant with a look of displeasure. “Then sleep.”
Baul stifles a chuckle, one that Lilia absolutely heard. “I’m afraid it's not that easy. Silver doesn’t know himself why he’s unhappy, leading him to become stressed. He needs your support to regulate it once more. Try a lullaby, some nightlights, or even a mobile over his crib.”
Lilia tsks, but there was no heat to it. “What a silly little thing you are.”
With Silver’s head nestled into the crook of their neck, Lilia bounces him and slowly walks around the room, singing the words to a song that have been lost to the Draconia line for centuries.
The last time the song was sung was filled with the same love Meleanor had for her child, even if Lilia could never replicate that voice for Malleus, he would hum his mother’s melody by herself, an unconscious part of him recognizing it.
Three loops of the lullaby had the child blinking heavily.
Lilia replaces the pacing of their feet with soothing rubs to the child’s back. They felt a heated, happy energy thrumming from the other fae.
“Is something funny, Baul?”
“No, General. I’m just musing on how you said you’d never be a parent.”
“Oh really,” Lilia purrs, the sound rumbling in their chest. “I remember a certain second-in-command who promised me a bunch of his healthy children.”
“THAT WAS-” Even though Lilia teased him as often as they could, the tips of Baul’s ears turned red all the same. “Why are you remembering something like that?!”
“Someone must remember you as a man of your word.” Lilia laughs. “You fulfilled your promise anyhow, I adore your children and grandchildren alike.”
Baul wore a look of a wounded animal. Lilia could already hear his next words, so they ended it on a light note. “Don’t feel left out, I adore their parents most of all~ Iberos is a wonderful conversation partner, did you know? She tells me she always looks forward to our endless tales I regale her with.”
“Lilia-” A cough. “General, please.” Sensing the fluctuation in heartbeat, the egg rattled in Baul’s hold.
“Heheheh, I am not without mercy,” How cute the both of them were. “I think we woke little Sebek up.”
The metaphorical feathers Lilia had ruffled were smoothed down and presentable once more. “He wasn’t laid too long ago. He must be eager to see the world.”
The egg had glowed when Baul spoke, and dimmed when Lilia spoke. Sebek could already tell the difference. He was developing extremely fast, just as Baul had told them.
“Why is he shaking?”
“Sebek doesn’t handle the cold very well. Even if the egg couldn’t provide shelter from the elements, his body temperature should’ve been able to regulate itself. But alas, he’s not fully fae, there are bound to be some complications.”
“Even with the blanket?” They were on the cusp of Spring. Sure, there were a few chilly winds here and there, but even a drop of fae blood would’ve been able to sustain Sebek. “He might have a weaker immune system than his brother and sister, you should brew him lots of herbal infusions to make it easier for him.”
Baul nodded in agreement. “That is the plan. He should be slowly exposed to the elements in moderation to build his immunity.”
“Huh? Isn’t it the opposite? Wouldn’t that weaken immune systems?”
“General, I feared for your life every time you picked up a frog. I hope you did notice that you were the only one that didn’t fall ill after consuming them.”
“Hm, I see your point.” Lilia absentmindedly pats the sleeping Silver on his back, strangely unsettled by just holding him.
“The way you’re holding the human is seriously distressing. Please loosen your grip, I know it flails, but preventing its movement is even worse.”
“Sorry..” Lilia minds their grip. They were much too used to guarding eggs, or a scaly reptile that was far too slippery for his own good. Soft, squishy babies were not on their list of expertise.
Baul, as if reading their thoughts, retucks the blanket around Sebek’s egg, holding it out to them. “Practice on Sebek. I’d rather you not drop him, but he’s durable.”
“I’m not taking care of another brat, Baul.” Their friend gave them a look of contempt at Lilia’s abrasive speech, but let it go. “Why are you offering up your grandkids so readily? What will their parents say?”
“My house, my rules. They should’ve thought of that before dumping all their kids to me.”
It was common in their culture for grandparents to raise the children while the parents were off to work to provide. Supposedly, Baul was trying to lighten the mood— he had a sense of humour after all.
Lilia settles Silver on one side, and takes a deep breath, then holds out their arm to accept the egg. Baul’s lips quiver to hide a smile and gently helps the egg settle into Lilia’s hold.
Sebek was a much easier egg to hold than Malleus had been, but that’s probably because Lilia didn’t need to run for their lives while holding him. The blanket around the shell was warm, infused with magic from the flame fairies, no doubt.
His shell was smooth, but much more durable than its looks let on. Lilia could hear the steady pulse from where he was nestled in his grandfather’s arms, but now Lilia can feel the vibrations from the shell. It beat slower than Silver’s, but faster than Baul’s. Sebek truly was tiny for his species.
“Now imagine the egg had arms and legs. How secure would you hold him?”
“What in Seven’s name-”
“General, please, the task.”
Lilia rolled their eyes, holding Sebek securely. Whatever Baul asked them to imagine sounded like a fucked up looking kid, but who was Lilia to judge?
Sebek thrummed in their arms, rattling inside his shell. “What-”
“My apologies General, I forgot to inform you that Sebek is a jumper.”
The order to run sixty laps almost tumbled out of Lilia’s mouth without their permission. Instead of expressing all the profanities they knew, they steeled themselves and held Sebek’s egg carefully. “Your family loves him way too much, just look how hyper it is. Sebek is becoming spoiled already.”
“HAH!” Baul laughed. “I wonder if you will say the same thing in a few months! It’s quite impossible to love your children less.”
Silver’s breaths hitched, his weeping subtle from having woken up.
“Oh dear, Silver. Don’t be frightened. Not all eggs will jump like Sebek.”
Sebek successfully jumps out of Lilia’s grip, rolling down their legs and toward the direction of Baul’s voice. Favouritism at his age already, children developed way quicker than Malleus did.
“What the fuck, Baul? Is it your grandchild or an insect??”
Baul picks up Sebek and cradles him, cooing for his selective hearing and obvious display of bias. Yuck, Lilia would rather be stricken dead than offer meaningless praise in that soft, mushy, gross voice.
Silver claimed a fistful of Sebek's blanket. Lilia pried the fabric out of his clutch and back to its owner. When it left their grasp, Silver flails his arms in protest.
“Baul~” Lilia smirks, since their friend is so good with kids, “I think Silver is feeling left out.”
“Do it yourself. Humans this age are already picking up language. I’m certain it remembers a few words by now.” Baul steeled them a glare. “Which means you should watch what you say. Your penchant for digging up curses never heard before is going to reflect horribly on Silver’s vocabulary.”
There goes another privilege, lost in the wind.
“Keep a better eye on it too. Human spawns die at the drop of a hat. Not only do they cry for no reason, but they also drop dead for no reason either. They’re rather dramatic at this age.”
Maybe Silver was absolutely protesting the life he’d been given. He’s in the care of one that’s brought many of his kind to demise.
Sensing the dip in mood, Baul meets their eyes. “General?”
“I’m not a caregiver.” Doesn't deserve to be. “Maybe I should just listen and put him out of his misery.”
“Lilia,” That got their attention. “The fact you’re even thinking you’re a terrible caregiver right now is already proof enough you’re doing an amazing job.”
“Excuse me?”
“From your speech, your mannerisms, and the change in your lifestyle, all you have done is look out for the well-being of him.” Baul bellows out a hearty laugh, one that Lilia has sorely missed over the months apart. “Is that not what parents do? Bumble and run around aimlessly to fulfil all the needs of their children?”
“Is that so?” Lilia smiled softly. Maybe they did remember their dear friend weeping when he held his daughter in his arms for the first time. She was a decent sized egg, but she had outgrew it and hatched early, now standing taller than both her parents.
“It is. The product of our love should’ve been the happiest day of my life, but I was filled with so much anxiety, fear, and strangely, grief. When Barinas first hatched, I was so afraid of hurting her. My grip was always too loose or too suffocating, and I wasn’t happy that she kept screaming at me. I thought parenting was supposed to come naturally, but I haven't a clue what she needed from me. She would cry often, seemingly whenever I came near.
It shames me to admit this, but I did think too about putting her out of her misery. I thought it was a sign we weren’t ready, or simply didn’t deserve to be parents. I tried to hate her as much as she seemed to hate me, but in reality, I couldn’t bear any harm coming towards her, especially from myself. So I distanced myself a little, and assisted Iberos as much as I could. I think I was too absent, because Barinas didn’t recognize me as her father until later in life. Those cries were most likely because I was an unfamiliar presence in ‘her’ domain.”
Lilia’s eyes widened. They hadn’t expected such a response from Baul, who, to Lilia, embodies the image of a ‘perfect parent’. But it still was. Being a parent required selflessness, and Baul cared about Barinas so much to set aside his own wants to put that wall there.
It is one of the many things that sets them apart. Lilia can admit that they’re selfish, selfish enough that no matter where they landed, Silver would be tucked right in their arms, safely guarded by the one that found him. “I don’t think I’d have the strength to do that myself.”
Baul shook his head. “I regret this choice with my life. It put more strain on my wife and Barinas’ socialization. I thought being passive was the option with the least damage, but it ended up with more direct consequences down the line. She and I stumbled blindly to fill a gap in Barinas’ life that we couldn’t. We still do, and we still will.”
“Mayhaps, but you can’t put all the blame on yourself, Baul. Look at Barinas right now, happily married, with a bunch of children who can’t wait to meet their baby brother, and grandparents who spoil them rotten.” Lilia laughs. “These are some rather pleasant consequences if you ask me.”
“Did you just use the word ‘mayhaps?’”
“Is that truly what you got out of it?” This is the last time Lilia was ever going to cheer up this oaf they call a friend.
“No, of course not. Heh, you give me too much credit, but I am thankful for your words.” Baul gave them a teasing grin. “You were never this much of a perfectionist before, it is.. different to see you so open. It’s not so bad.”
Lilia grumbles. “Don’t get used to it.”
Silver, no longer content with sleeping, shoves his fingers in his mouth, drooling all over them. In a few seconds, gagging noises and choked coughing follows.
“Oh,” Mildly disturbed by the baby’s thought process, Lilia peels the hand out of Silver’s mouth. “That wasn’t a very good idea now, was it?”
Silver balls up his fists and makes a sound of contempt, gargling a little due to spit, and kicks his legs, throwing a fit about being unable to put himself in harm’s way.
Lilia goes right back to the familiar routine of rocking the child. “There, there. In the near future, I’m sure you’ll be able to accurately estimate the size of your windpipe.”
Taking longer than Lilia would’ve liked, Silver’s fit had eventually lowered in intensity, but only marginally. When his hands found a fistful of Lilia’s hair, he paused for a second, quieting his cries. He searches for the object in his hands and flexes his fingers around it.
“Don’t do it.”
Aaand there he goes, putting the hair in his mouth, then sucking on it.
Not even a minute later, Silver was pacified by the chunk of hair he claimed. As a creature of the night, Lilia’s entire composition would be magical. However, they sincerely doubt that it was magic that settled his fussiness.
“You and Malleus are one in the same.” Between burning and drenched in drool, Lilia didn’t know which child liked their hair more.
“Does His Highness know yet?”
“No. I don’t blame her if she still harbours resentment for the death of her parents,” Lilia brushes some hair out of Silver’s face. The softened face reflected in the little one’s eyes hardly looked like themselves. “But I plan to get them both acquainted soon. I hope they get along well.”
“His Highness’ opinions are her own, and so is the baby’s. Their relationship will be for themselves to develop. What you can do is build your own relationship with both of them, especially with Silver— he’s already been through a great deal of turbulence, he depends on you. He needs a caretaker or a parent, not a tutor.”
Baul opens the briefcase he brought with him, pulling out the parenting books he mentioned last time, along with an assortment of colourful items. “Let’s start talking bibs, baby monitoring, and tummy time.”
At the mention of 'tummy time', the egg bounces once more. “There’s way more items than what you named.”
Baul raises an eyebrow. “There’s more to human survival than the bare necessities. Is there anything you want to go over first?”
“How about why he keeps trying to put himself in harm’s way?”
“Yes, morbid it may be, that’s how he explores the world,” Baul opens a notebook and fetches a pen, sending it to Lilia. “Take notes, General.”
Lilia frowned at the book, then started levitating it by their own volition. “Very well, begin our lesson.”
This was their life now. Still.. do they really have what it takes to be a good caretaker?
“Never leave the infant unsupervised.”
“Oh, shit-”
“General.” Baul’s eyes couldn’t possibly get bigger. “Really?!?!”
Silver had accepted Lilia's blessing, it's what awakened him.
“Cover any sharp objects, patch up any holes, and install your cabinets with baby locks.”
“What would Silver do in the cabinet?”
“Drink cleaning product.”
“Oh dear…”
It was quite alright. It didn’t matter how many ways Silver found he could end his life in. A soldier knew best the countless methods to end a life.
“Now, language development.”
“I get it, no need to give me that disapproving ass-” THWACK!
“Strike one.”
“Are you fuc-” THWACK!
“Strike two. If you simply must cuss, may I offer some friendlier alternatives?”
Lilia shakes their hand free from the pencil strikes, not stinging from pain, but by the sheer audacity of the action. “What other word could be as versatile as f-”
They caught themselves that time, a smug grin of victory meets the pencil in Baul’s hand. “Fine, continue.”
Baul almost looked ready to cuss them out himself, but instead flicked the pen. “As I was saying…”
Lilia reviews the notes they’ve taken. A silly picture of Baul with downturned eyebrows and a little bouncing egg sits at the bottom of the page, holding up the foundation of Silver’s upbringing.
No, Lilia will probably never feel ‘good enough’ to raise Silver, they weren’t born a caretaker, after all. But they also weren’t born a monster. They were not solely ‘General’, but also ‘Lilia’, ‘dear friend’, ‘nuisance’, and ‘love’.
They weren’t born for any of these things, but Lilia remembers how to be them all the same. Lilia is not a caretaker, they are also a soldier, a monster, a friend, and a tutor as well.
They weren’t born for love, but love they had, love they do. And on this vow, Silver will never be in a world where he is not loved.