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Coming back to the 118 should be a happy day. He got what he wanted after all, but it was tainted like everything else in his life. He fought to return, went to the extreme to return, and all he was greeted with was silence.
He got it, sure; the lawsuit ruffled some feathers. He could admit, in hindsight, it was a bad idea. On the other hand, he had been backed into a corner. He hadn’t seen another way out, and really, he still didn’t. He didn’t know what the better option was. That bomb had taken everything from him.
Bobby’s house, his rules. He understood it. He knew that he was at the bottom of the food chain and had to earn their trust back, but there was something cruel in how they treated him. He almost regretted fighting to come back to them. He knew when he wasn’t wanted, but he expected better. Maybe that was his actual mistake. They were worse than his parents.
His parents never treated him like family. They had never given him love or a spot just to take it away later. He would almost prefer returning home to his mother, who wouldn’t look him in the eye. Hell, with the way things were going, he might end up there anyway.
The final straw happened towards the end of the shift. Sure, that morning, Bobby had made breakfast and while everyone was eating, Buck was doing inventory. Sure, they just forgot about it. There was no reason to be upset. He had actually eaten a bagel on the way in. The dinner came around, and Buck was starving. He practically raced up the stairs, but Bobby put an end to his excitement.
“Floor needs mopping.” Bobby shooed him away.
Buck felt everything bubble up and over as hot tears burned his eyes. He was angry, not that wasn’t right; he was fucking livid and hurt. Everything had finally become so startlingly clear as his chest ached, and his teeth hurt. “That transfer. Was it just an option for you, or can I request it?”
The silence did nothing to quell the anxious nausea trying to roll up his esophagus, but he didn’t have to wait long for a reaction. They were looking at him, faces ranging from pity and shock to rage. Of course, it was Eddie who spoke first.
“One hard shift, and you are ready to run away? What was the lawsuit for then? To embarrass us?”
Buck scoffed, his lips tugging into a sad smile. “Really? You still don’t get it? I was fighting to come back to my family, to you guys, but now,” he looked at Bobby. “I’d like to talk about that transfer. Out of state is fine if need be.”
“Out of state?” Eddie spat. “You would do that to Christopher?”
God did that make him ache. “It’s not like he would notice. You won’t let me see him.” He knew it was the wrong thing to say. He was pushing things he had no right to push, but fuck, he was angry. Why wasn’t he allowed to be angry? “No, you know what? You don’t get a say, Diaz. I fought to come back to my home, my family, but I don’t have a family here. I wouldn’t even say I have any friends here, just co-workers who hate the fact that I exist.”
“Buck--” One of them tried to cut him off, but he was on a roll.
“I haven’t seen my parents in seven years. The only family I have ever had was my sister, who left me behind. I thought I had found it here. The 118- my family, but hell, the betrayal came from here, and that is so much fucking worse.”
Buck gasped for breath, not waiting for anyone to cut in. “I was cleared. Six fucking doctors, three different therapists, and one psychiatrist gave me the rubber stamp to come back to work. That was after the fucking blood clot.”
Tears streamed down his face, cutting into the harsh, angry lines as he continued to get worked up. “Bobby, look, I get it. I was hurt, and you think I’m a liability, that I’m useless, but you could have just transferred me; you didn’t have to tell the brass I wasn’t ready or whatever. Sure, yes, you were right. I regret the lawsuit, but I don’t know what I was supposed to do.”
“Buck, it’s not like that.” Bobby reached for him, but Buck took a step back.
“I know what it’s like to be unwanted, unloved; that is all I have ever been. I could have handled that. That is nothing new. But you took everything from me. You kept me from the friends I thought were family, but it’s not just that.”
He cut his eyes to Eddie. “You say I don’t think things through, that I am selfish and exhausting, but man, have you ever had to take medical leave? It’s only paid for the first three months. There is no food in my apartment, not that any of you would know that because the last visitor I had was Eddie dropping off Christoper two months ago.”
“Evan--” Eddie whispered.
“Don’t call me that!” Buck spat. “Please, just don’t.” His body was heavy as the anger faded to bone-weary sadness. “After six months of unpaid leave, I still had to pay medical bills for the clot and after the tsunami because that is not workers comp. I am flat broke. The only good thing about losing my apartment this week is the Jeep is paid off, so I know it won’t be repossessed.” He shrugged. “Sure, sleeping in the back seat won’t help the chronic pain in my leg, but at least it’s not the streets.”
“Buck, buddy, we didn’t know.” Chim finally found his voice.
“That’s the point. You didn’t know; none of you wanted to know.” Buck backed away, ready to leave for the day. “Let me know about that transfer, Bobby.” He left the station without looking back.
He didn’t know if he should have been surprised to have someone knock on his door just a few hours after his shift, but he almost dreaded opening the door. Eddie was standing there, his hair limp and more stubble than the LAPD allowed. “Can I come in?”
Buck’s heart stuttered in his chest. “Always.”
They stood in his kitchen, neither of them able to look at each other. Buck thought the silence would go on forever, but Eddie broke the silence by shattering his heart. “My wife died.”
“Fuck, man, I know. I am so sorry.”
“No- um- She asked for a divorce, then she died. Then, my best friend, my partner, was crushed by a ladder truck. Then I almost lost my son, my baby, in a natural disaster.” Eddie finally looked up at him. “I almost lost you in a natural disaster. Then, out of nowhere, or, I mean, I thought it was out of nowhere, there was a lawsuit. And some suit was telling the world that I shouldn’t have been allowed to work because my wife died.”
“Eds, that wasn’t the point.”
“I know. I know that now, but at the moment, I didn’t. I thought the man—I thought my—I thought you were holding Shannon’s death against me.”
Buck couldn’t hold onto the anger and resentment. “I’m so sorry, Eddie.”
“Me too.” Eddie sighed. “Buck, I shouldn’t have said those things. You are not exhausting or selfish. I was exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping, and I took it out on you because I felt like you were leaving me.”
“I was trying to come home. I was trying to get back to you.”
“You-- uh—you said you didn’t have family, that we weren’t your family, but Evan, no matter what happens, you will always be my family. Chris and I are a sure thing.” Eddie stepped closer, his hand settling on Buck’s shoulder before drifting to his neck. “I am a sure thing.”
Buck closed his eyes, trying to ignore the warm fluttering in his gut. “You can’t say things like that. You might give me ideas.”
Eddie’s thumb traced his pulse point. “What kind of ideas?”
Buck opened his eyes. He could see the flush on Eddie’s cheeks and the way his pupils were blown. “Ideas like kissing you.”
Eddie hummed, watching Buck’s tongue trace his bottom lip. “That might be the best idea you have had in a while.”
He didn’t know who moved first, but it didn’t matter. When their lips met, it took his breath away. Before he knew it, they were pressed together, his hands kneading Eddie’s hips, and Eddie’s hands moved through his hair. Days could have passed them by when he pulled back, and Buck wouldn’t have noticed. “We should talk about this.” Buck murmured.
“Yeah, probably.” Eddie kissed him again.