Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Buck closed his front door with a soft thud as he walked into his apartment. The quiet greeted him, the darkness and the stillness. A whole day had passed since he was last home, but things stayed the same here. Nothing moved, nothing changed.

Buck looked around, as he put his keys on the table. It was nearing midnight, and he wished the day would end already. Nothing was good about this day, about his shift, the last call.

The whole team was counting the minutes until the end of their shift when the call came in, loud and urgent. These last-minute, end-of-shift calls never ended well, it was like a rule or something. It’d either be a fire that would take them hours to put out or an accident where everyone’s lives would hang by a thread, or it would be a seemingly ordinary rescue call that could turn deadly any minute.

It was no different this time. And it hurt. So much. Not being able to help, not being able to save someone’s life. It always hurt when calls ended badly. The guilt was so intense, so powerful, taking over his whole body. If only he had done something differently. Moved a little faster, worked a little harder.

Buck rubbed his face before running his hands through his hair. He thought for a moment about calling Tommy. Their late evening plans had been postponed because of the call, and he’d promised he’d call later. Tommy’s presence, even on the phone, would keep Buck’s mind from spiraling. He was great at that. But it was selfish of him to ask for Tommy’s attention, wasn’t it? Tommy had an early morning shift. There was a chance he was already sleeping. And Buck. Well, he’d gone through these things a few times, he’d be alright. Right?

Buck took a deep breath. He’d promised to get in touch with Tommy as soon as he’d got home. Calling him was out of the question, in case he couldn’t keep his emotions contained. He settled on a text.

He pressed send. After a minute of pondering started typing again.

Buck put his phone down on the table and went up the stairs to the master bathroom. The one downstairs was bigger and it was closer to where he was standing, but the thought of having to walk up the stairs after the shower felt worse than working another 12-hour shift. His bed would be closer if he went up right now. Even though sleep was a faraway concept tonight, lying in his bed, letting his body rest would be good for him. Staring at the ceiling didn’t sound fun, but it was better than closing his eyes and reliving the call again.

Maybe he should paint something on the ceiling. Maybe it would make sleepless nights go faster, staring at something other than white nothingness.

Buck took off his clothes. His body smelled like gasoline and sweat. Bruises were forming on his arms and legs. And every bone ached from having twisted his body in unnatural positions to get as close as he could to the little girl in the backseat. Buck glanced at himself in the mirror. At the small smear of dirt on his cheek and his drooping eyes. He closed them unable to look any longer and stepped into the shower.

The shower didn’t help. The hot water was scorching, burning his body, but it wasn’t enough to keep his thoughts focused on the physical pain. His whole being hurt, his soul and his body.

Buck got out of the shower and went to his bed. It was unmade, since he woke up later that morning and had to run to work without even having breakfast, never mind making the bed. There were two pillows stacked on top of each other on the left side. Two pillows that Tommy slept on whenever he stayed over. But Tommy was at his home tonight, and Buck was alone. He lay in the center of the bed, moving closer to the right side after a minute.

The bed felt empty. He never used to be good at sharing the bed, but he made a space for Tommy. And lying there without him made him nauseous.

The ceiling was too white, and it moved closer and closer to Buck. The air tasted stale and felt thick. Buck tried to take a deep breath, but it stopped somewhere in the middle of his chest, unable to go deeper nor get out. Something heavy landed on his torso. For a second his breath stopped. The air was trapped inside of him, blocking his lungs, and his throat. It felt like his heart had stopped too. Was that the way he was going to die? Not on a call, but alone in his loft, without anyone around to help him.

Buck jumped off the bed. He ran to the dresser and grabbed the first pair of pants he could find. He dressed with the speed of a firefighter rushing to the call. He needed to get out of the apartment, get some fresh air, pull his head straight.

Someone knocked at the door when Buck was putting on a shirt. Buck went to the bed to check the time on his phone, but it wasn’t there. He left it on the table downstairs.

Not that he needed the time to know it was after midnight. Who would be here so late? Or so early? Middle of the night was not the time to go visit friends. Everyone from the team was at home with their families trying to shake the shift off their minds. Tommy had an early morning shift. He always went to bed early on the pre-work days.

Aside from his boyfriend Buck didn’t have anyone outside of the 118 who could come over in the middle of the night. Yet someone was at the door, knocking again, a bit louder this time. Buck could pretend that no one was home. It was easy hiding out on his bed and not talking to anyone until he could face the world again. But what if someone needed help? Sure, he didn’t see his neighbors often but they knew he was a first responder. They knew they could come to him if there was trouble.

But the knocking didn’t sound urgent enough to be an emergency. It was loud for Buck to hear it upstairs, but only because it was so quiet in his apartment.

Buck heard the knocking again as he descended from the stairs. There was no point avoiding the person behind the door, was there? He had to check who it was.

He made a decision and moved towards the door grabbing the fork of the kitchen counter. It was late and safety was important, yes? He opened the door slightly, just wide enough to see a man standing there.

“Tommy!” Buck gasped, the fork in his hand blocking the full view of his boyfriend.

“Hey,” Tommy said raising his hands in a fake surrender when he noticed the weapon in Buck’s hand. “Mind putting the fork down there, babe?” he smiled.

“What? Yes. Yes, sure. I- I thought you were …” Buck trailed off nervously. He took a step back opening the door wider. “Don’t you have a shift in the morning?”

“I do,” Tommy walked inside the loft. “Saw your texts. Thought I’d come by, see how you were.” He reached for the fork in Buck’s hand.

“You didn’t have to come all this way, Tommy. I’m fine.”

“Fork? Really? Your weapon of choice?” Tommy smiled again, Buck’s heart did a somersault inside his ribcage. Why was he here?

“I-,” Buck swallowed. He tried to say something, but no sound came out. His throat felt dry like he hadn’t touched a glass of water for a week.

“Tell me about your day,” Tommy said with a gentleness in his voice as he grabbed Buck’s hand.

“We had a bad call”, Buck whispered after a minute.

“I figured as much. You want to talk about it?” Tommy asked. Buck shook his head no. “Okay. Want to watch TV instead?”

“Tommy, you have a shift in the morning.”

“I know,” Tommy nodded as he moved to the chairs pulling Buck with him.

“I’m fine. You don’t have to check up on me. It’s not the first bad call we’ve had, definitely not the last. I’m okay. I promise.”

“Are you?” Tommy asked. Buck could feel his boyfriend’s eyes on him, studying him with the slightest frown. It was barely noticeable, but Buck knew every inch of Tommy’s face. He could recognize every emotion that would show on his face. But not this time. Tommy had never looked at him this way. Buck felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach as he let go of Tommy’s hand.

What if Tommy didn’t like this part of him? This sad part that didn’t want to get out of bed for a week or talk to anyone ever again. Because talking required strength that he knew he didn’t have. People would ask him how he was doing. And how was he supposed to answer that?

“Evan, do you want to be alone right now?” Tommy hesitated for a moment before asking. He was still looking at him. Buck could see his arms move, like he was trying his damn hardest to keep them at his side. He swayed slightly towards Buck like he had lost balance for a second. But that was ridiculous. Tommy was the most stable person he knew.

Buck stayed silent. No, he didn’t want to be alone. He had always gone through the tough calls alone. He’d stay cooped up inside until the world felt right again. None of his exes understood what it was like, seeing the pain in people’s eyes, seeing them fight like hell to stay alive but not have enough strength left to actually make it through. What it was like seeing people give up and let go.

“What do you need, Evan?” Tommy’s voice broke through his thoughts. He moved towards Buck, standing so close Buck could feel the heat of Tommy’s body radiating off him like a heated blanket that had been left on for hours. The warmth enveloped him out of nowhere. Before Tommy could say anything else, Buck crashed into his body. He circled his arms around Tommy’s back pulling him as close to the other man as he could as if trying to melt into him. To become a part of Tommy’s body.

Tommy took a second to catch a breath that Evan knocked out of him. He put one of his hands on Buck’s lower back, moving it up and down. He put his head on Evan’s shoulder and placed a gentle kiss on the side of Buck’s head.

Buck shuddered when Tommy’s lips touched him. His head moved searching for Tommy’s lips. He needed to kiss Tommy, to touch him, to feel him. To feel his hot breath on his body, to hear him moan, to see his resolve crumble. Maybe that strange look he’d been giving him would disappear. At least for tonight.

They both leaned towards each other, lips finding lips. Buck closed his eyes, letting himself feel his mouth slowly cover Tommy’s. Tommy’s free hand moved to Buck’s cheek, providing stability as the kiss became more frantic and intense as if Buck tried to put a lifetime of kisses into that one. Buck put his hands on Tommy’s head pulling his hair, pushing him to get as close as he could. His whole body trembled as everything around him fell away. Only Tommy existed in that moment. Tommy and his hair, his body, his hands, and his lips.

It felt like an eternity had passed before they pulled away, gasping for air. Buck opened his eyes. He watched as a drop of sweat made its way down Tommy’s face. His lips were pink and swollen and slightly parted, his breathing fast and shallow. Buck moved in for another kiss but before he had a chance to get close, Tommy stopped him.

“Evan, believe me, there’s nothing I’d rather do than to kiss you, but-”, Tommy whispered as he gently caressed Buck’s cheek with his thumb. “You’re upset and I don’t want to take advantage of you. That’d be low of me.”

Buck took a step back. If Tommy didn’t want this, what was he doing here then? What was that strange look about? Him seeing this side of him and wanting nothing to do with him? Leaving him like everyone had done his entire life?

“Hey, hey. This doesn’t mean anything bad, okay?” Tommy pleaded.

Buck stared at his boyfriend. Daring him to get up and leave. Tommy didn’t move. He looked tired, Buck noticed. There were dark circles under his eyes, the wrinkles around them were more pronounced than usual. His eyes followed Buck’s every movement with a slight delay, as if his brain was out of sync with the rest of his body.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted that way,” Buck apologized grabbing Tommy’s hand.

“Never apologize for kissing me like that,” Tommy assured him, “but I am sorry too.”

“So, we’re both sorry?” Buck grinned. “You look exhausted.” His voice became serious.

“I thought I was supposed to say that. I am here trying to take care of you, you know?” Tommy smirked and after a moment added “So, bed?”

“Bed,” Buck nodded. “Can you stay tonight? I know you’ll have to leave early, but — ”

“Do you want me to?” Tommy breathed, interrupting him. Instead of answering Buck pulled on the hand he was still holding and led Tommy to the stairs.

They went up towards the bed. Tommy headed to his side because Buck’s bed wasn’t just his anymore. His bed had a Tommy side now with two stacked pillows and a thinner blanket because Tommy always got hot during the night under Buck’s thicker one.

“Were you planning on going somewhere?” Tommy asked when they settled on the bed. He laid on his side while Buck faced the ceiling for the second time that night. Except it looked normal this time.

“What do you mean?”

“Your clothes.”

“Ah,” Buck breathed out. “I was going to get some fresh air. Go for a run or something.”

“In the middle of the night?” Tommy inquired.

“Well, it sounded better than staying inside.” Buck shrugged his shoulders. "And sleeping wasn’t happening.”

Tommy intertwined his fingers with Buck’s, his thumb drawing lazy circles on Buck’s hand. Silence engulfed them like a soft blanket. Laying on the bed with Tommy felt right. His bed was made for two people after all, and Tommy fit perfectly on his bed.

Shadows danced on the ceiling as small reflections of light from the outside shined through the curtains. The room was almost dark. Only Tommy’s soft breathing disrupted the quiet around them. It would be easy to tell Tommy about his day. His boyfriend couldn’t see his face, couldn’t see the faintest tears make their way down his cheeks into his ears before falling on the pillow.

Buck exhaled.

“A little girl died in my arms tonight,” he whispered. He could hear Tommy draw a sharp breath before he squeezed his hand.

“What happened?”

“A car accident. The girl’s mom stopped on a red light, a semi rear-ended her, at full speed, pushed the car into the traffic. Was checking his phone, Athena said.” Buck huffed. “Eddie and I, we tried to get her out, but it was impossible. The back of the car was gone. She was trapped in the backseat, all the broken pieces jabbing her. Everything we did made it worse. Her mom, she just lost it.” Buck continued, his voice breaking.

“I’m so sorry,” Tommy whispered as he shifted in the bed moving closer. He wrapped his hand across Evan’s torso, pulling him to his chest, burying his face in Buck’s hair.

“Every time I close my eyes, I see her face.”

“Is that why you decided to avoid sleeping?” Tommy asked. Buck stayed quiet, only moving to wipe his eyes.

“Do you remember the earthquake?” Tommy kept talking. He waited for Buck’s answer and after a barely visible nod continued. “It was a few of months after that. We got a call about a car at the bottom of a cliff. There was no way to set up a rescue descent from the road. It was too narrow, too risky. So we were called in. Made our way down from the helicopter. It was such a mess, Evan.”

Buck opened his mouth but no words came out. Instead of forcing himself to say something, he squeezed Tommy’s hand asking him to continue.

“There was a family in that car. All of them dead. The dad’s face was gone, smashed in to the steering wheel. Broken jaw, broken nose. The mom’s body… I’ve never seen so many visible broken bones at once. Their daughter was sprawled across the backseat. And when we went to remove her body, we found a toddler under her. She was trying to protect the kid from the fall.” Tommy said quietly. “Sometimes this job sneaks up on you, doesn’t it?” Tommy laughed painfully.

“How did you deal with it?”

“You don’t want to know. I wasn’t in a good place back then.”

“You can tell me, Tommy. You don’t have to hide yourself from me.”

“I didn’t, at first. Deal with it, I mean. The accident. It kind of pushed me over the edge. Tried everything to distract myself, running, working out. That’s when I picked up Muay Thai. I ended my relationship, was careless. I wasn’t exactly close with my team yet. And asking for help wasn’t something I ever considered. Everything around me just spiraled out of control. And I let it.”

“But you’re okay now, aren’t you? How did you —?”

“Howie called,” Tommy said it like it was the most obvious answer.

“Ch-Chimney called you?”

“It was a work emergency, actually. Needed to borrow a plane to put out a fire. I called him back later. We went out for a drink, talked. It didn’t fix anything, but it put me on the right path. I went back to work, got help. You know, Chimney saved my life once? Back when he was just a probie. Pretty sure he saved it again that day.”

“Has that ever happened again?” Buck asked.

“A couple of times, yes. But I’ve learned to deal with all of it head-on, without letting it fester. I feel a lot more stable now, so it’s easier to shake off some of the bad things I see. Therapy helped, too.” Tommy said, then added “It’s not your first loss. Why is this one affecting you so much?” His voice wasn’t judging, but curious.

“I don’t know. Maybe because it was a kid? I keep thinking if anything like that happens to Jee-Yun or Christopher…”

“You know they’re okay, right? Nothing bad’s happened to them.” Tommy assured him.

“I do know that, but it doesn’t mean I can just stop thinking about it. I was mostly okay before I got home. Somehow being here just made everything worse.”

“Because you were here alone?”

“I guess so,” Buck admitted.

“But you’re not alone. The 118, it’s nothing like it used to be.”

“Everyone’s got a family. Kids. This girl, she didn’t just affect me. Everyone was going home, hugging their kids. And I didn’t want to get in the way of that. For anyone.”

“You could have called me. I’d have come. I mean, I don’t have kids for you to hug, but I could have hugged you.”

“You did come,” Buck smiled slightly. “And hugged me.”

“I mean it, Evan. I know I’m not a part of this family you’ve built at the 118, but you do have me, you know? I’ll be here day or night. If you need me.”

“Is that why you came tonight?,” Buck said as he moved to his left side facing Tommy. “Because you thought I needed someone?”

“Yes. Was I wrong?” Tommy whispered.

“No, I’m glad you came.” He reached for Tommy’s hand moving it up towards his lips. Buck placed a gentlest kiss on the back of it. “Thank you.”

“Think you can get some sleep now?” Tommy yawned.

Before Buck could answer, a thought hit him. They’d been talking for quite a while, and Tommy had to get up early. Even earlier now because he was here than if he’d stayed home. Yet Tommy still chose to stay up with him, not complaining about Buck keeping him awake. Because that’s what Buck was afraid of when he decided not to call Tommy earlier, wasn’t it? He didn’t want to keep all of Tommy’s attention on himself while Tommy was trying to sleep. But he also didn’t want to hear Tommy say that he was a nuisance, not that Tommy would ever say that out loud.

Tommy chose to come and he chose to stay up with him, listening to him. Giving him all the attention that Buck wanted and needed and longed for. And if he could, he’d stay up all night talking to Tommy, because it was so easy losing track of time when he was with him. But it was not time to be selfish, to ask more of him than he’d already given. Tommy needed to sleep because flying helicopters was a dangerous job. He needed rest. So, he could come home at the end of the shift.

“Only if you do,” Buck managed to get out.

“Don’t have to ask me twice,” Tommy answered. “Good night, Evan.” Tommy breathed Buck’s name softly. He smiled with the secret smile that only Buck was allowed to see and closed his eyes.

It took less than five minutes before Tommy’s breathing evened out. Buck couldn’t stop staring at his boyfriend’s sleeping form. The exhaustion he saw on Tommy’s face a couple of hours ago seemed to have disappeared. Worry ebbed away. Tommy looked calm, relaxed and so vulnerable.

This wasn’t Tommy the big hero firefighter. No, this was Tommy he had very few chances to see before, with his thoughts and his soul bared, on full display. This was Tommy that had bad days and sometimes didn’t know how to deal with the stress of the job. That made mistakes and felt lost, scared and alone. Looking at him made a ball of something warm and bright explode right in the middle of Buck’s chest, like a supernova. It shot straight through every inch of his body, overwhelming him, but at the same time keeping him grounded and secure. And safe. The world around him had always been a little off-balance, but maybe he was ready now to steady it.

Buck rolled over in bed, his back meeting Tommy’s chest. He felt Tommy’s hand make its way across his torso pulling him closer like cuddling with him in his bed was second nature. Like it was something they’d done for years, not a couple of months. Buck froze for a second to see if his movements woke up Tommy. He stayed asleep.

Buck put his arm on top of his boyfriend’s. The events of the day were keeping him awake for a tiny bit longer. The shift, the last call, Tommy coming over in the middle of the night.

He tried to make the texts he sent sound as casual as possible. Didn’t want to seem needy. People ran away from needy. And forgive him for thinking that if Tommy saw that part of him, he would have ran away too. Yet Tommy still picked up on his mood somehow. Picked up on his silent plea to be here for him. And he showed up. In the middle of the night. Even though he was probably asleep when Buck texted him. A shiver ran through his body making his heart beat so loud it could be heard across the loft.

What was that feeling that consumed him tonight? What was going on with him? Why did it matter so much that Tommy was here? Why did it feel like his chest was going to burst open?

It felt good being in Tommy’s arms, his back touching Tommy’s chest, skin to skin. Even if his heart did explode, Tommy would be here to catch every single piece, wouldn’t he? Because Tommy showed up when Buck needed him. Without warning, without being asked to. Because he wanted to.

Buck took a steadying breath, trying to keep his mind focused on one thought at a time. Being with Tommy, it made him happy. Whenever he was around him, it felt like the world stopped moving so fast. Tommy’s presence made everything slow down. Tommy was stable, he was warm and kind. He knew what he wanted. And Tommy was patient with Buck, giving him time and space to figure out what he wanted too.

Buck loved the way Tommy’s ears wiggled and eyes crinkled when he smiled. When he was the reason that Tommy laughed or smiled. He loved how Tommy’s laugh made his heart drop down to his knees and his stomach squeeze itself inside his body. Tommy seemed content with his life, but he still managed to make space for Buck. To invite him into his world, to open up and tell his deepest secrets. And the way Tommy looked at him, it felt like Buck was the most important person in the world to him.

If only he could show Tommy how much he meant to him. How important he was to him, too. Because it felt sometimes like his life didn’t even make sense until Tommy entered it and made all the broken pieces fall into place. He was the glue that kept him together while he figured himself out and got back on his feet.

If there was one thing to be grateful for forever, it was Tommy’s silent support through the first couple of months of their budding relationship. And he’d always love him for that.

Love?

Is that what this feeling was? Did he love Tommy? Was he in love with Tommy?

“Yes,” Buck whispered answering his own question. It all made sense now. Why he couldn’t stop thinking about him, how his presence made him feel safe and whole and complete. He loved Tommy.

And if there was a smallest chance that Tommy loved him back, he would be happy forever.

His head stopped spinning. Every thought had disappeared from his head at the realization of his feelings. He’d been stuck in the same loop for the past couple of years, and it felt like he had found the right door out of it.

With his mind quiet Buck closed his eyes. Everything was dark and silent. The girl’s face and her mother’s screams were gone. He could sleep now, finally.

The morning came way too fast. Buck heard the bed squeak. A chill rushed past his back before he was enveloped in warmth again. He heard the rusting of clothes and Tommy’s quiet “Damn it” when something hit the bed.

Buck opened his eyes on his second try and turned his head to watch Tommy get dressed.

Lack of sleep and tiredness were so evident on his face. There were circles under his eyes, a bit more noticeable than the night before. His tousled hair was pointing at every direction and the scruffy stubble had grown way too fast during the last couple of hours. A breath got trapped somewhere in the middle of Buck’s chest while he was looking at Tommy.

Buck coughed. Tommy stopped in his tracks. He studied Buck for a second before saying, “Hey. Sorry if I woke you up.”

“You didn’t,” Buck mumbled.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” Buck smiled. “You don’t have to worry. Last night helped.”

“Yeah?” Tommy grinned.

“Yeah. Are you leaving already?”

“Soon, yes. I was going to let you sleep in.” Tommy said. “Wanted to get home before work. Get ready.”

“You can get ready here, can’t you?” Buck flirted, his eyes sparkling.

“Yeah, I guess I can. Now that you’re up. You mind if I use the shower real quick?”

“Go ahead,” Buck smiled.

Tommy kneeled down on the bed. He put one of his hand on the mattress for stability and leaned forward. Buck raised himself up slightly moving towards Tommy’s face, meeting his lips. The kiss was quick, but it was enough to warm up Buck from the inside.

Tommy got up, taking off the t-shirt that he’d put on a couple of minutes ago. He reached the bathroom door in three strides. He walked inside, stealing a quick glance at Buck, and closed the door behind him.

Buck got out of the bed. He stretched his arms above his head, and bent over touching his toes. He didn’t feel tired even though he’d only got a couple of hours of sleep at the most. He looked at the bathroom door.

Last night’s realization hit him in his gut. He loved him. The man he loved was in his bathroom.

“I love him,” Buck tried out the words. He savored each one. “Love.” It sounded different in the early morning light. “Tommy.” There was that feeling again, his heart expanding in his ribcage, his chest growing bigger, blowing up like a balloon. He loved Tommy, and it didn’t feel weird or new. It didn’t feel wrong. It was though as if loving him was part of his DNA, the most natural thing. Like maybe he’d had loved him all this time that he knew him.

Buck put on his pants and went downstairs. His phone was still on the table. He checked the time. Tommy had to leave soon to avoid the rush hour traffic. He looked around the kitchen. There wasn’t enough time to cook a breakfast, but he’d make do. He put on a pot of coffee, grabbed a couple of eggs from the fridge and put them on the counter. The skillet was already on the stove, so that was half of the job done.

Tommy joined him in the kitchen just as Buck was putting the omelet on the plate. Buck felt Tommy’s chest on his back as his arms went around Buck’s torso. Tommy smelled like his soap and toothpaste and like Tommy. It made Buck want to turn around and bury his noise in his chest and never ever let go.

“Whatcha got there?”, Tommy asked.

“Just a quick something, didn’t have enough time to cook anything else, sorry.” Buck said.

“Evan, it’s perfect. Thank you,” Tommy drew in a breath.

“Couldn’t let you go to work hungry,” Buck grinned. “There’s coffee, too.”

“Join me?” Tommy said as he let go of Buck. He grabbed the plate Buck was holding and placed it on the counter.

“Nah, it’s all for you. I’ll grab something later,” Buck kept smiling. He took a sip of his coffee and watched Tommy eat.

Tommy devoured the eggs in a couple of minutes like a hoover. “That was delicious,” he beamed with a mouthful of food. He checked his watch and Buck noticed how his face fell. The mood changed in an instant.

“You have to go?,” Buck sighed. Why did work have to exist?

“Yes,” Tommy smiled but his eyes looked sad. “You’ll be alright today?” He asked.

“I’ll see if I can get a bit more sleep, maybe go visit the kids.” Buck answered.

“Okay, good. Call me, okay? Even just to say hi.”

“I will,” Buck agreed.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Tommy asked, hope radiating of his face.

“Can’t. Another shift,” Buck said.

“Ah, I see,” Tommy nodded, “Maybe I’ll drive by the 118 them, haven’t seen them in awhile.” Buck nodded and moved towards Tommy.

He put his hands on Tommy’s waist and drew him closer to his body. He wrapped one of his arm around Tommy’s neck while the other went around his back. Tommy mirrored his every movement.

They stood hugging each other for what felt like hours, but it was over too soon. Buck’s hand went to Tommy’s cheek as he leaned in and placed a quick peck on Tommy’s lips. Tommy answered with a kiss of his own. They kissed once, twice before the world disappeared around them and only the two of them existed in the entire universe. The third kiss grew stronger, their bodies moving into each other. Buck was the first to let go when he felt all the air leave his lungs. He breathed in deeply as he put his forehead against Tommy’s. Catching his breath in that moment was harder than running a marathon. He breathed in again, calming himself down. He had to let go of Tommy before he made him late. He moved in for another quick kiss and mumbled, “Be safe out there, love you.”

The world came crashing down as Buck froze. It felt like time had stopped because Tommy hadn’t moved as well. Buck raised his head and looked into Tommy’s eyes.

Was he scared of what he was about to see? Can you blame him? What if Tommy rejected him before he even had a chance to bask in all of these new feelings that have made a home for themselves in his heart?

Tommy was looking at him the same way he looked last night. Well, that was it, huh. His life was over, wasn’t it?

Buck opened his mouth, the word “Sorry” almost falling of his lips, as he tried to take a step back. Tommy stopped him before he could do either of those things.

He smiled. Why was he smiling?

Tommy smiled and said, “I will, promise.” Huh?

“I love you too, Evan,” he added after a second.

Someone had punched Buck in the gut, he was sure of it. Punched him and knocked all air out of him. What was it with him losing the ability to breath properly around Tommy?

Wait, what did Tommy just say?

Tommy kept smiling as he disentangled himself from Buck’s body. He smoothed out a few creases on Buck’s shirt.

“I’m sorry, but I do have to go,” Tommy apologized. Buck nodded, unable to move, never mind say anything.

“Call me today, okay?” Tommy pleaded as he reached the front door.

The door closed with a quiet thud as Tommy disappeared behind it. Buck stood in the middle of his loft, rooted in one place. His heart was playing a melody, a loud beat followed by another one and another. His head was spinning, thoughts flying in every direction, unable to find a place to land.

The only thing his mind could focus on was Tommy saying he loved him.

Tommy. Loved. Him.

The coffee that he only had a couple of sips of made its way up Buck’s stomach.

Tommy said he loved him. Why didn’t it make him happy? Why was he so worried?

Did he really meant it? Or did he force him to say those words back to avoid an awkward moment?

Oh crap, why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut?