Work Text:
Jungkook winces at the shrill ringing of his alarm, blinking away the foggy remnants of sleep. He heaves a tired sigh as fatigue immediately threatens to pull him back down, but manages to reach a hand out to feel for his phone and turn his alarm off.
It's still completely dark outside; the early winter's morning leaving only faint moonlight and the city's glow to filter through the blinds and illuminate Jungkook's bedroom. He can hear only distant cars and the quiet noise of the others moving around and getting ready drifting down the hallway.
Awareness settles into his body and Jungkook takes a deep breath. He… doesn't feel right. His limbs feel heavy against the mattress and it's like there's an almost imperceptible itch under his skin.
“Shit,” Jungkook hisses, drawing his knees up as he buries his face into his pillow, pulling it tight against his chest.
Jungkook isn't oblivious; he knows what this is and why he's feeling it. But he… he can’t. Not today. There's work to do. The members are being introduced to the choreography for their next comeback for the first time today and he really cannot afford to stay home and miss it.
Yet still, every instinctual part of his mind and body is telling him to stay. Stay where it's warm, where it's safe, where he won't have to face how harsh and painful sensory input can be on days like this.
After several minutes of laying still, squeezing the pillow tighter and tighter to his chest, Jungkook admits defeat. He pushes the duvet away, gingerly lifts himself out of bed and shuffles towards the bathroom.
Looking himself up and down in the mirror he sees just how tense he really looks. Even the temperature change between his warm, soft bed and the cold air of the bathroom has set Jungkook’s teeth on edge in a way that only ever means one thing.
It's going to be a long day.
Jungkook is autistic – sensitive days are something he's very used to. Days when his sensory issues are just that bit more pronounced, when the world feels discordant and harsh and just too much all together.
He's more than familiar with them by now. They've been a part of his life for as long as he can remember and he's long since learnt ways to manage and cope with them when they happen. Even so, they're painful and exhausting and are a tricky game of trying to manage things just right, lest he fall too deep into the overwhelm and end up in a shutdown or a meltdown.
At the moment, days like this are few and far between – a fact that Jungkook is always grateful for considering his job and the difficulties that being an idol brings anyway. He generally thrives off it - the intensity and excitement of it all, and he adores his job more than almost anything in the world. Regardless, Jungkook knows that it's just part of his nature that along with his die-hard passion for music and dance, and his unwavering determination, being autistic brings periods when his sensory issues (or his social struggles, or his tendency toward burning out, etc etc.) are harder to manage.
The members have known about Jungkook's diagnosis right from debut and they've all put such effort into finding the best ways they can support and accommodate him, and for that he is so, so grateful. They're a family, they all take care of each other through their various struggles and ups and downs. For Jungkook, the gentle love and support of his hyungs makes the tough times feel a little bit easier to get through.
Jungkook finishes brushing his teeth and washing up – feeling only marginally less off-balance from the familiar routine – and shuffles back into his bedroom to get dressed. He knows he'll be particularly sensitive in a lot of ways today, and he needs to be prepared for how easily he might get overwhelmed later on. He pulls on a soft, baggy hoodie and loose sweats (on days like this, rough or scratchy fabrics can feel like actual sandpaper on his skin, especially when he's dancing) and even takes care that his socks are ones with comfortable seams.
After tying up his long hair, Jungkook takes one last glance at his tired face in the mirror and lets out a long sigh.
He can do this. He'll just push through the day's work (that he reminds himself he cannot miss) and then he'll be able to come home and cuddle up under his weighted blanket and block out the world. He can do it.
When Jungkook steps into the kitchen, the other members are going about their breakfast routines; Jimin and Taehyung bickering lightly over their food at the table, Yoongi on his phone – hood up and looking like half of his mind is still in his bed, Namjoon and Seokjin standing around the counter chatting while Hoseok makes coffee.
Yoongi is the first to spot him as the younger takes a seat at the table, and Jungkook can see the moment he picks up on his demeanour. Jungkook knows the members have all learnt the signs to look out for by now, can see Yoongi taking in his comfy clothes, slumped posture and his hands stimming a little bit at his sides with furrowed brows.
“You doing okay, Jungkook-ah?” he prompts gently.
Jungkook can tell he’s taking care with his volume, his voice low but not whispery, just how Jungkook prefers. He feels a warmth in his chest at the fact that Yoongi was so quick to take that small measure to keep him feeling comfortable.
“I'm okay hyung, just a sensitive day,” He says with a reassuring smile.
Jimin and Taehyung pick that up from across the table and they both look up with twin expressions of concern.
“Are you sure you're good to work today Kookie?” Jimin cocks his head. “You know it's not a problem if you need to take a day off.”
“Of course, I'll just have to take it a little easy. I'll let hyungs know if I need a break.”
Jimin nods, “Alright. Don't push yourself too far though, okay?
“And make sure you have everything you need in your bag before we leave,” Taehyung adds.
“I will,” Jungkook says, feeling fond at all the concern from the three of them.
Jungkook gets up from the table and pads over to the kitchen, flexing his hands in and out to stim. He eyes the leftover kimchi jjigae that everyone had been eating for their breakfast.
Jungkook and food is a complicated situation. He generally loves it, any and all flavour combinations and dishes. Of course, he's heard his fair share of playful teasing from his members about how “Jungkookie will eat anything.”
On days like today, though, the idea of strong smells, flavours and complicated textures in his mouth makes his stomach turn and his skin crawl. His favourite food in the world on one day can be something he can't bear to put in his mouth the next (which makes things complicated when it comes to diets and tight schedules, things that come with being an idol).
“Not up for jjigae today, Kook?”
Jungkook looks up from where he's been staring at the food with a slight grimace on his face to see Seokjin standing next to him, head tilted. Jungkook lifts a hand to scratch at his neck anxiously.
“Ah, I just-”
“You don't need to explain, Jungkook, it's okay. Do you want some cereal instead? Maybe yoghurt?” Seokjin asks, his tone patient and kind.
“Cereal would be good hyung, thank you,” Jungkook replies with a soft sigh of relief.
Seokjin nods and reaches to grab a bowl to start preparing Jungkook’s favourite cereal. “Am I right in thinking it's a sensitive day?”
Jungkook nods. “Mm. I'll be okay. I told Jimin-hyung that I'd let you know if I needed a break.”
“Please do. The moment it's too much, we can call the managers to get you home.”
Jungkook knows why the members are so insistent that he listens to what he needs. There are times like this when the day is simply more than he can cope with. The onslaught of sensory input, the social interaction, the busy schedule, the demands and pressures - they all build up to a breaking point of either a meltdown or a shutdown. Sometimes they're inevitable, but sometimes, with the right support and accommodation, he can avoid them. It hasn't always been so manageable, but he's so grateful it is now, much rather avoiding the catastrophic exhaustion and pain they can come with.
Jungkook is snapped from his thoughts by the bowl of cereal being placed softly on the counter in front of him.
“You eat that up Kookie, you'll need the energy,” Seokjin tells him with an encouraging smile. “Then go and finish getting ready, the van will be here soon.”
Jungkook eats his food in relative quiet, listening to Namjoon tell Hoseok about a museum he'd been to on the weekend as he bounces his legs under the table to let out some of his anxious energy.
When he's done, he cleans up his dishes and heads back to his room to make sure he has everything in his bag - Jungkook always brings a sort of emergency kit with him, a little black pouch of things that help him regulate his senses when he's out of the apartment - mint gum, earplugs, a stim toy or two, sunglasses, and his precious noise-cancelling headphones are a must. He even keeps spares of most of them in a drawer in Yoongi's studio (where his hyung will always allow him to retreat and use as a safe space) along with his safe snacks and his spare weighted blanket on the sofa.
By the time everyone has piled into the van to head to the company, Jungkook feels like maybe the day won’t be so bad. He’s still taking precautions; nobody bats an eye at his fingers tapping together as he stims or at the sunglasses he’s wearing despite the day's thick clouds. For now he’s not wearing his headphones either, happy to be chatting and messing around with Hoseok and Taehyung who he’s sat between.
About halfway there, Namjoon turns around from his seat in the row in front of Jungkook.
“Jungkook-ah, check in with us throughout the day, okay?” He says, “None of us want you pushing past your limits.”
“Yes, hyung. I told you, I'll be fine.”
He's not fine.
He managed okay for the first half of the day, getting by through meetings and lessons without too much difficulty. The hardest part of any day like this is the effort it takes to mask his struggles, and Jungkook hates having to suppress his bigger stims. It’s really not ideal nor healthy to do so, but it’s a daunting prospect to unmask things like that in front of people who might not understand. Throughout the day, Jungkook had tried to direct his agitated energy into less noticeable things; tapping his foot quietly while the managers explained some schedules, twisting his earrings over and over during vocal practice, picking at his nails during the first talk-through of the new choreography. Everything in him wanted him to get up, pace, flap his hands and shake out his limbs.
Everything felt like it was piling up easier than usual as the day went on, though. Eye contact felt piercing and socialising felt like he was putting on a whole performance during every interaction. Even the whir of the air conditioners and the buzzing of the lights started to feel incessantly irritating. Lunch was difficult too – Jungkook had sat in the corner, avoiding conversations and picking at his food until it had been long enough that he could make his excuses and slip away without prompting questions.
Jungkook barely even had time to take a breath let alone check in with the hyungs or try to use any of his techniques to regulate himself, and god, all he craved in every moment was to make his escape from the practice room, beeline straight for Yoongi’s studio and bury himself in the sofa - lights turned off and blankets pulled tight around him.
By the time all of the members are left practising together, at least he has somewhere for all the energy to go. Jungkook has always found dancing (or going to the gym, or boxing) a good outlet, letting the rhythms and beats flow through him into movement that leaves him with good energy buzzing under his skin, rather than bad. But today with the choreography being new, everyone's having to focus on learning small bits at a time, stopping and starting and stopping again. Working on it feels too staccato, something about the pacing feels unsettling and just wrong .
The room is filled with a flurry of noise from the music, chatter and the squeaking of shoes on the floor combined. The music isn't even turned up high because of the need to stop and discuss so often, but it still feels too much for Jungkook. The deeper parts feel too loud against his ears and the high notes are almost piercing.
His dancing isn't even up to par either, which is just perfect. His movements are uncoordinated, he's taking a beat too long to process the instructions and he's put completely on edge by the unpredictable music as it's paused and rewound to repeat sections of the choreography.
Jungkook is sure his distress is visible on his face; he can see discomfort practically dripping off him when he looks in the mirror, but everyone around him is so focused on dancing. On getting this step right and synchronising this move here, so they don't notice. A small part of him wants one of them to see. to take him into their arms and hold him tight and tell him they can stop, but at the same time he's sure as hell not going to ask anyone if they can. They need to do this, and everyone seems so in the zone and he'd feel awful breaking the focus and disturbing everyone. He'd feel like he was letting the team down.
He can get through it. He knows it's certain now that he's not going to get through unscathed, but he's sure he can fend off his inevitable tears for when he's at home, away from the frustrated gazes he's sure the hyungs will have.
“Are you okay, Kook?” Namjoon pants as he slumps down on the floor next to Jungkook during a break in practising.
Jungkook is sitting near the air conditioner, knees drawn up to his chest, head leaning back against the wall and hands rubbing a rhythm up and down his shins.
Jungkook shifts his gaze to look at Namjoon, who's red-faced and sweaty but with a worried look on his face.
“You look tense. Do you want to stop?”
“I can carry on hyung, I promise,” he replies, trying (probably failing) to add a convincing smile that comes out a bit wobbly.
It's a total lie. He feels guilty for it, knowing he's blatantly faking a promise to the people who are really just trying to take care of him, who don't want to see him struggling, but he's already steeled himself to push through and not disturb everyone.
In reality, Jungkook feels awful. There's a film of sweat from his exertion making his clothes and hair cling to him in places, leaving him itchy and cringing as it dries. He's too warm in a way that makes him feel almost claustrophobic. He's both restless and exhausted at the same time and there's a tightness in his chest that has nothing to do with the exercise. All in all, Jungkook is just about ready to crawl out of his skin.
Namjoon looks unconvinced, but just as he opens his mouth to speak Taehyung calls his name from across the room, beckoning him over.
Namjoon gets up to leave with one last hesitant glance, and Jungkook breathes a sigh of relief, continuing his anxious stimming. Not long left now. He closes his eyes and tries to take some deep breaths, to focus on anything other than the sensations in his body that are making him want to cry, to pull at his hair, to scratch at his skin.
But before he knows it, Hoseok is up and calling everyone to continue on, prompting the rest of the members to get up from where they're dotted around the floor. Jungkook swallows down the lump in his throat and joins them.
The next little while passes much the same, but the more time goes on the more Jungkook struggles. He can tell his dancing is getting worse and worse as time goes by, and the slightly frustrated glances everyone is throwing at him every time he messes up are making his chest squeeze tighter and tighter.
“JK, come on- what's up with you?” Hoseok sighs, exasperated, after one too many missteps on Jungkook's part. Everyone turns to look at him, and Jungkook is too deep into overwhelm to know if they look disappointed or angry at him, but in his mind that's exactly what he sees. And all at once, it's too much.
Jungkook feels his breathing pick up as everything starts to feel like it's crushing in on him, the lights overheard are suddenly much too bright and having everyone's eyes on him feels overwhelming. The lump in his throat grows and tears prick at the corners of his eyes and–
“Jungkook-ah?”
Jungkook turns and rushes out of the practice room, ignoring the confused voices of his hyungs behind him in favour of hurrying through the hallways straight in the direction of Yoongi's studio. He's not thinking straight, barely processing his surroundings in his haste, the only thing in his mind being that he needs to get away. Jungkook feels way too overwhelmed to be worried about holding it off any longer, to pretend it's all fine.
He barely notices the time pass before he’s standing in front of the studio door. He punches in the code with shaky hands, steps inside and shuts the door firmly behind him.
And promptly bursts into tears.
Jungkook manages to stumble over to the sofa and collapse down onto it, hands pressing down on his ears as sobs rack through him. Hot tears roll down his face and his chest stutters with cries. All of the bad feelings of the day gathering into one horrible mess of emotions.
He's just so tired. Tired and upset and so completely overwhelmed, and he doesn't even know where to begin to make things better. He tugs a bit at the hair he can reach with his hands pressed to his ears. There's no sound in here, it's just his pitiful attempt at blocking out everything else that still feels so wrong.
He wants to get up, to pace, to flap his arms violently to try and shake off all the bad feelings, but he can't- that would mean taking his hands off his ears and his clothes still feel horrible on his skin and that would only feel worse with movement and- he just can't. He feels stuck in an endless feedback loop of bad, bad, bad, the only thing he can do is grip his hair harder, squeeze his eyes shut and brace himself against the waves of discomfort and tears.
At this rate, he's barrelling towards what could be a full meltdown. His heart rate kicks up a notch at that thought. The sheer panic, distress and agony that would bring would be harrowing. Experiencing that on top of everything else, and then the subsequent exhaustion- fuck, no no no.
Jungkook is pulled from the panicked depths of his mind by a quiet knock on the door. Jungkook's senses are heightened enough right now that he can hear it through his hands anyway.
“Jungkook?” Seokjin's muffled voice filters through the door, “It's me and Yoongi. Can we come in?”
It takes him some time to process the request, and then even longer to consider his answer. There's a big part of Jungkook that thinks that having more people in his space to be making noise and moving around is a terrible idea, and that they're going to be disappointed in him for disrupting practice. Angry that he didn't come to them sooner. He's embarrassed to have them see him like this – red-faced and trembling and his cheeks streaked with tears.
The other half of him knows they've seen him like this so many times at this point, and they've only ever been incredibly compassionate and gentle with him. Never showing signs of annoyance or frustration. He really doesn't feel like they can help – the strength of Jungkook's discomfort feels never-ending, all-consuming, but maybe… maybe he can just talk to them. He can do that.
There's another knock. “Kook-ah? You don't have to say yes, but can we come and talk to you?”
“Okay,” Jungkook croaks out after taking a second to find his voice. His throat feels tight and scratchy from crying.
The door clicks open and Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut against the light from the hallway. He hears Seokjin and Yoongi step in, and then the door is shut again.
“Hey,” Seokjin says gently. “I bet you're feeling pretty awful right now, hm?”
Jungkook manages a nod, still squeezing his eyes shut and rocking back and forth rhythmically. He slowly moves his hands from his ears and starts squeezing and pulling at his fingers.
He hears someone - presumably Seokjin - move to sit on the desk chair. “We've let the managers know we're going home early.”
Jungkook’s eyes snap open at that, adjusting to the warm light of a lamp that Seokjin must’ve switched on. “But hyung-”
“It’s alright, Jungkook,” Yoongi cuts him off, like he knows exactly what Jungkook was going to say – that they’ve got so much left to do, that he doesn’t want to hold everyone else back. “As we said this morning, it’s okay that it’s too much. You’re not inconveniencing anyone,” Jungkook isn’t making eye contact, but he can tell just by Yoongi’s voice that he’s being sincere.
Jungkook swallows and looks down. He wants to cry again just from that, as well as everything else that feels like it’s coming back closer to the forefront of his mind by the second. He’s still painfully aware of his itchy skin, his tense muscles and the headache emerging behind his eyes.
Seokjin must notice his increasing discomfort because he leans forward in the chair, placing his elbows on his knees and looking at Jungkook with a soft expression. “We’ll be home soon, but it'll be a little while until everyone's ready. Do you think we can help you feel a bit better while we wait?” he asks.
Jungkook is unconvinced, and it must show on his face because Seokjin continues, “Can you start with telling us some of what you’re feeling?”
Jungkook takes a moment to gather his thoughts and takes a shaky breath. “I thought I would be okay, but-” He swallows and glances up, seeing Yoongi give him an encouraging nod. “Everything- everything’s wrong. It’s all too much and I’m really overwhelmed and I… my body hurts and I’m itchy and everything’s too bright and loud and-” Jungkook stumbles over his words, his voice wavering and his hands getting more frantic in their fidgeting. “I know I should've stopped sooner but… everyone was so f-focussed and I didn’t want to interrupt and thought I could push through, but now- now it’s all too much and I can’t- I don’t know what to do-” He cuts himself off as his throat clogs with tears, eyes stinging.
“Oh, baby,” Seokjin breathes, looking like all he wants to do is bundle Jungkook up in a hug, but they all know it’s more complicated than that. “Thank you for telling us, Kookie. How about this, let me and Yoongi get some things together for you, just to take the edge off, and then we’ll work through and address things one at a time. How does that sound?”
Jungkook sniffles as he wipes at his eyes, and then nods his head. He bites at his lips and picks at the skin around his fingernails, which Seokjin picks up on.
“First of all-” Seokjin reaches over to grab Jungkook’s bag that Yoongi had grabbed from where he’d left it in the practice room and fishes out his little bag of stim toys. He holds out two choices (he knows Jungkook finds it hard to make decisions in moments like this); a tangle and a stress ball. “Which would you like?”
Jungkook hesitates, then reaches out a hand to grab the stress ball, glad to have somewhere to direct his stimming. His body is still screaming at him to move and he still feels frozen against the strength of how bad he feels, but at least now he's not doing anything that hurts. (There are times when the things Jungkook would usually do to stim aren’t enough – when, completely overwhelmed and frantic, he turns to something more out of desperation. When the only thing that can ground him is the sharp sting of biting his cheeks or pinching his skin, the dull ache of hitting his wrists together. His habit of using pain to stim is something that everyone has been helping him to lessen, but it’s a long process.)
Seokjin asks if Jungkook wants his weighted blanket next – to which he nods – and then helps him lay down along the sofa, propping up Jungkook's head on a stray cushion. He gently spreads the blanket on top of him, and immediately Jungkook's breath rushes out of him in relief - he's being weighed down with the perfect pressure spread evenly along his limbs, and it's grounding and perfect and makes him feel his body in a way that finally isn't focussed on all the bad things. He can feel some of his tension slowly ebbing away in waves, the cacophony gradually settling into something more manageable.
As soon as a little bit of his restless energy settles and drains out, he's left feeling very aware of the toll all of this has taken on his body. There's a residual ache in his muscles from the tension that has plagued him all day, his eyes stinging and his throat scratchy from tears. All at once, Jungkook feels exhausted , and he lets out a shuddering breath. Seokjin settles on the floor next to the sofa, close to Jungkook but not in his space, not touching him.
“I'm so sorry you're struggling so much, Kook-ah,” he says gently. “We're gonna help you have a calmer night, help you feel less overwhelmed. Do you want to be on your own, or we can spend the evening together if you like?”
Jungkook considers this. Sometimes, on days like this, being in the presence of even one other person is too much. He'll hole up in his dark and silent room and everyone respects it, nobody disturbing him until he emerges of his own accord. On other days though, his hyungs’ company is exactly what he needs. They're so gentle with him, they're sweet and loving and they help Jungkook do the things that regulate him.
It's like a finely tuned instrument now, the way they all know exactly how to care for each other on bad days. They all know how to coax Yoongi home and into his bed when he's spent too long working in his studio, how to spot when Namjoon's been shouldering too much responsibility without asking anyone for help, how to convince Jimin that he has done enough when he's danced himself close to the point of collapse. How to lift each other from the dark mindsets they sometimes fall into and keep each other afloat.
Right now, Jungkook wants that. He wants his hyungs.
“I don't want to be on my own,” Jungkook murmurs, glancing up at Yoongi and Seokjin who both respond with small smiles. “But I-” Jungkook continues, looking down again, “I feel so guilty.”
“You don't need to feel guilty, Jungkook,” Yoongi says, moving to sit on the floor too, next to Seokjin. “It's okay to have bad days and to let others take care of you.”
“I know that logically, but it still feels bad, you know?” Jungkook says, a near whisper. He's afraid that if he were to speak any louder, his voice would crack with emotion and the tears would start again.
Seokjin reaches out a hand, gesturing to Jungkook's head. “May I?” Jungkook nods, and Jin begins running his fingers through his hair, just how he knows Jungkook likes – not too hard, but not soft enough to be ticklish and make his skin crawl. He scratches along his scalp and Jungkook melts just a little more into the cushions.
“We all have bad days. Do you resent any of us when we need to be taken care of?” Seokjin asks, his tone kind and warm. “You're so strong and so brave but it's okay that there are tough times. We want to take care of you, Jungkook.”
He knows this, of course; they've been together for years and there are so many examples of times when the members have jumped on the opportunity to dote on their maknae, to help him feel better. But to hear them say it like that right now solidifies the idea in his mind, his doubts being pushed aside to make room for the warm, fuzzy feeling of being cared for.
“Okay,” Jungkook says past the lump of emotion in his throat. He leans into Seokjin's hand and after a few minutes he lets his eyes drift shut, half-listening to Yoongi and Jin's hushed conversation as his mind finally begins to quiet.
Not long later, Yoongi's phone buzzes, Hoseok letting them know that everything’s ready and the van is waiting for them.
Jungkook whines a little at this, not wanting to disrupt everything now that he's finally feeling calmer. However, he can't deny that he's still uncomfortable. He needs to wash up, put on some clean clothes and eat something before he can even begin to feel fully okay, and for that he needs to get home. So he takes a deep breath and lets Seokjin help him up.
While Jungkook leans into Seokjin's warm embrace – Jin’s fingers continuing their gentle rhythms along his scalp – Yoongi goes to grab Jungkook's noise-cancelling headphones and sunglasses from his bag and turns to face him.
“Do you want your sunglasses?” Yoongi asks. As well as wearing them almost every time he goes outside, Jungkook will often wear sunglasses indoors when he can, as sometimes even regular lights can feel too sharp.
Jungkook nods and Yoongi puts them on for him, before asking the same for headphones and slipping them over Jungkook's ears. Once they're in place, he gives the younger's nose a playful tap as he draws away. Jungkook's giggle is faint, but it's there. Seokjin offers to carry Jungkook’s bag, and soon enough they’re all set to leave.
Jungkook really hates the thought of walking through the company building right now. The dark, quiet space of Yoongi's studio seems so much better than hallways with fluorescent lights and people milling about and the subsequent car ride, but he knows the sooner they leave, the sooner he can be at home, in his safe space and comfortable.
Jungkook struggles through the car ride, gritting his teeth against the van's vibrations that seem like thunder to his sensitive body. He sits squished between Namjoon and Jimin in the back seat, as he requested, wanting to get that little bit of pressure and squeeze to tide him over until he can snuggle up under his weighted blanket again at home. Everyone speaks in low tones, keeping up gentle conversations between themselves while Jungkook listens to music with his headphones. He puts on a favourite playlist of his, one he always turns to when he needs something a bit calmer while still occupying his mind.
Jungkook’s mind drifts and he starts to process everything that happened. Even though this has been happening for as long as they've all known each other, and the members have helped him through far worse moments than this, Jungkook feels a little emotional over how ready and willing they all are to accommodate him. On the way to the van, they'd apologised for not noticing that he was struggling sooner and they thanked him for telling them about it, and Jungkook loves them. He's so grateful for their support always, but especially right now.
Soon, they arrive home and make their way up to the dorm. The light chatter continues while everyone rids themselves of their coats and shoes, which Jungkook is glad about. It comforts him, gives a sense of familiarity and makes him feel like this is as close to his normal routine as he can get right now. He'd much rather that than silence – everyone watching him, waiting with bated breath for any signs that it'll all boil over again.
“How would everyone feel about a movie night?” Taehyung asks as he’s putting on his slippers. “No pressure though. Kookie, if you wanna stay in your room tonight I’m sure nobody would mind.”
“No, I’d like to stay, hyung. And a movie sounds perfect.”
“Great! We can make it all cosy, and we’ll fetch your favourite snacks too.” Taehyung claps his hands, looking very eager to start pampering Jungkook right now.
Seokjin lifts a hand to Taehyung’s shoulder. “Don’t forget that we have to eat dinner first.”
“Why don’t we get delivery food and eat while we’re watching?” Hoseok suggests. Jungkook feels a bit apprehensive at the idea of eating right now, what with the smells and textures that will come with, but he thinks it should be alright. Sometimes his senses send mixed messages and he doesn’t feel hungry until he has food in front of him. Besides, if he really can’t eat what they buy, he can always make himself something more simple instead.
“That sounds okay,” he says, “Could we try pizza?”
“Yeah, of course! Is everyone okay with that?” Hoseok looks around for nods from the rest of them before turning back to Jungkook. “And remember, you can always have something-”
“Have something different, I know.” Jungkook smiles lightly. It’s something they say to him so often now, not that he would ever wish for anything different. “But thank you, hyung.”
Hoseok chuckles, and then Taehyung pipes in again. “I’ll make the orders for our usuals then. What are we gonna watch?”
“It’s Jungkookie’s night, so how about Iron Man?” Jimin asks.
There’s a chorus of giggles at the way Jungkook’s face lights up at the suggestion. Iron Man has been one of Jungkook’s biggest interests for as long as he can remember, and he really cannot count how many times he’s rewatched the movie trilogy – both by himself and as a group – but he will never tire of it, and the hyungs are always more than happy to indulge him.
“That’s a yes then,” Jimin laughs.
They discuss it a little more then, checking that everybody wants to partake. After long days like today, there are times when they just bid each other goodnight at the door and slip away to their rooms right away, but tonight everyone agrees to the company. Soon enough Jungkook is being ushered down the hall by Seokjin.
“You go and wash up – take your time, and we’ll meet in the living room okay?”
Jungkook lets out a sigh, tipping his head back under the shower's stream and letting the warm water wash over his body and melt away some of the tension in his muscles. The sound of the spray hitting the tile walls makes him grimace with how loud it seems, but the shower is helping. The warm water and the gentle scents of his soaps take that slight edge off of his discomfort, leaving him feeling a little less disjointed.
After quickly rinsing himself off, Jungkook gets out of the shower and wraps himself up with one of the fluffiest, cosiest towels he owns, then shuffles back into his bedroom to get dressed. He decides on some light cotton pants that flow loosely around his legs and an old oversized t-shirt of Namjoon's that he borrowed (stole) a while ago. It's baggy and worn soft through wear and it feels perfect on Jungkook's clean skin. He combs through his damp hair, then he's ready to head back to the living room.
Jungkook looks towards his bed, briefly considering whether he should give it up and just go to sleep, but he knows from experience that if he doesn't do anything regulating now, the uneasiness will follow him into the next day in the form of exhaustion tugging at his limbs – a heavy weight making it ten times harder to do anything.
Jungkook makes his way back into the living room, but not before grabbing his favourite Cooky plushie from his bed (a good, soft plushie makes the perfect stim toy, in Jungkook's opinion) and hugging it to his chest. When he reaches the doorway, his still-tense shoulders drop in relief.
A few of the hyungs are around, looking freshly showered like him; Hoseok, Namjoon and Taehyung sprawled across the sofa, scrolling through movies on the TV. They've set everything up perfectly. The blinds are drawn and the room is lit by warm lamp light. The sofa has its usual variety of mismatched cushions and throw blankets, but it looks as though some extras from around the dorm have been brought in to make the space comfortable for everyone. The room’s temperature is perfect, and when Jungkook takes a deep breath in, it smells like home.
Hoseok looks up as Jungkook steps forward, a fond smile blooming across his face. “Ah, you look so cute like that, Kookie.”
Jungkook smiles back and shuffles over to take a seat, tucked into the corner of the sofa. He strokes at his plushie, relishing the glide of his hand across the soft fur. Yoongi and Hobi start up a conversation then, something about a track they’re working on together, and Namjoon turns to Jungkook from his spot nearby.
“How are you feeling?” Namjoon asks, “You've had a pretty rough day, hm?”
“I'm a little calmer now, I think… but I’m so tired.” It's true – his fatigue is growing steadily as the evening goes on and the vague ache in his body still hasn't abated, and probably won't until he gets a good night's sleep.
“I bet you are, after how you must have been feeling…” Jungkook sees a look pass across Namjoon’s face, one he can’t really interpret. “We really should’ve noticed something was wrong. I saw how tense you were when we spoke, I should’ve called off practice right there.”
Ah, he’s guilty.
“Hyung, it’s nobody’s fault. If anything, it’s mine – I knew when I woke up that it would be a hard day and I still kept it hidden.”
Namjoon shakes his head. “But we should’ve checked in more, I don’t know… I want you to feel like we’ve always got your back.”
“But you’re taking care of me right now, aren’t you?” Jungkook lifts a hand to lay it on top of Namjoon’s. “I didn’t reach out, and you were all focused on other things. So we’re even. It’s okay.”
“But I-”
“ Hyung.” Jungkook gives Namjoon a playfully stern look.
Namjoon huffs an amused laugh. “Okay then, we’re even.”
The others make their way into the living room as well, joining in the light conversations as they wait for the food to arrive, and it’s not long later that the doorbell rings. Taehyung jumps up from the couch and hurries to the door, returning a few moments later with several pizza boxes and cool drinks from the fridge piled in his arms.
“Someone’s eager,” Yoongi chuckles.
“Like you’re not just as hungry as me.” he quips back, setting everything down on the coffee table while everyone moves to sit on the floor around it. “Someone put the movie on- quick, I’m starving.”
Jungkook’s eyelids are growing heavy. It's gradually getting harder and harder to focus on the movie with soft and fuzzy haze settling over his mind. He's warm, buried under his weighted blanket and melting against the sofa cushions. There's a hand on his head, running long fingers through his now dry hair, scratching in gentle motions across his scalp.
Dinner had gone well; Jungkook had been right in thinking he'd feel better about eating if there was something in front of him. He enjoyed the atmosphere, the easy company making him feel more at ease than he had all day.
Now they're here, pizza boxes cleared away, lights dimmed low and a good way into the movie. Everyone is comfortable and settled, tucked under blankets with contented stomachs and tired bodies. He's so glad to have this – to have friends who understand him and know what to do to help him wind down. There's no expectation for him to talk or to mask or to even stay in the room, and it's everything he needs to be able to let go and relax.
He heaves a long sigh, and the fingers move to brush some stray strands of hair from his face. Jungkook turns his head to look up at Hoseok from his position lying down. There's a fond look painting his features and his eyes are full of warmth.
“Are you okay?” he whispers.
“Mm.” Jungkook nods and shuffles closer, wanting the head scratches to continue. Hoseok laughs quietly and goes back to his soft caresses. Jungkook rubs his feet together under the blanket and squeezes his plushie close to his chest once again.
He'll feel better tomorrow. Even if he doesn't, he knows that he's supported, and that it will pass just like every time before. His thoughts cloud over with honey-sweet calm. Jungkook lets the pull of sleep tug him under, content with the knowledge that he's safe.