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“I told her we're going out.” Charlie looked at him with the most brilliant sparkle Nick had ever seen in his eyes. It warmed his heart to a point where he thought he couldn't take it anymore.
“Oh my god, that's amazing! You're amazing!” With a leap Charlie was in his arms just where you belong and was filling Nick's heart with joy when he kissed him.
After rolling on the floor, both as giddy and content and happy as can be, Nick held Charlie wrapped in his heart as well as his arms, tenderly stroking the dark curls that slightly tickled his chin.
“Was that okay, though?” he asked silently. Charlie looked up at him, still beaming – but Nick saw the question in his eyes.
“I mean...” He tried to clear his throat, brushing back his hair in his nervousness “Should I have asked you first? I'm sorry, I...”
“Nick” Charlie said softly, trying to catch the other boy's eyes with his. But Nick was intently looking at a spot on the carpet, unable in his current embarrassment to look at him. “I should have asked, I'm so sorry.”
Charlie gently slipped out of Nick's arms and took his face in his hands, oh so gently caressing his cheeks. He looked into his eyes. “There's nothing to be sorry about” he said with a soft smile. Slowly Nick's nervousness faded from his eyes and was replaced by the softest smile Charlie had ever seen in his life. Oh my god, how cheesy, Charlie thought and giggled to himself.
He was lost in these eyes, these warm brown eyes, shining so bright only for him. Because of him.
“Charlie?” He snapped out of it. The question had not been voiced, but he could hear it in his head as if Nick had shouted it. Was that okay?
He had already answered that, hadn't he? And yet...Confusion took over. He had never had to deal with a question like that. His thoughts wandered to his friends. Tao, with his over-protectiveness and his somtime-clingyness, Isaac with his books and his gentle and supportive smile, Elle with her understanding and her ability to speak out the truths that Charlie was hiding from. Had they ever asked Was that okay? He'd get an Are you okay or a Was your day okay or an Are you feeling okay, but never this one simple question that – as Charlie realized now with a sense of dread – he had been missing so sorely. He closed his eyes, tears welling up inside of him. Unable to speak and still feeling Nick's kind and worried eyes on him, he silently shook his head as if to plead I need time! Please, Nick...
It wasn't fair. Nick had his own problems to think about, he didn't need Charlie's too. Please, I don't want to burden you, please don't make me, please don't leave!
But the strong part of Charlie, the part that hadn't been shattered into pieces by his past, unwaveringly came back to Nick's question: Was that okay? And because Charlie had seen in Nick's eyes how strong he was the strong part of Charlie took that simple question and made it Charlie's own. Was that okay?
He felt soft lips gently brushing his temple, leaving a soft breeze of a kiss there. He took another moment and then opened his eyes. Nick had gone back to his homework, busying himself with some Maths problem he had been pondering about for the last 15 minutes. Charlie watched him as he lay there, an image of high concentration and – Charlie inhaled sharply – peace. His eyes rested lovingly and full of wonder on the other boy, admiring the soft shine of his hair in the sunlight. He looks like an angel. My angel. Now that for a few moments his mind wasn't busy keeping the dark clouds of his inner turmoil at bay – thoughts that so often threatened to drown him – he was finally able to fully feel all the affection and gratefulness and wonder and joy and – love? he knew he had felt for this boy from the moment they had met, growing stronger every single day, even if Charlie wasn't able to recognize it yet. He pressed his eyes shut again, tears starting to find their way down his cheeks. It wouldn't last he knew. All too soon he would be back fighting his demons, unable to give thought to or feel much else, being wholly wrapped up in this fight for his own mind.
He lay back on the carpet, staring at the ceiling, for a moment fully content in his feelings and wrapped in Nick's like in a soft comforting blanket. He glanced sideways at him. It's okay. Take your time. I'll be there when you're ready. Words that remained yet unspoken radiated from the other boy with every heartbeat and warmed Charlie's heart. And something – just something - slowly began wanting to heal.
Was that okay?
He had already answered that question, with those words that came so easyly to his lips, taking less and less thought. But Nick deserved better. Nick wanted to know. So, was it okay? Of course it was! Charlie had never wanted anything more than someone who wasn't scared of being seen with him, who wasn't scared of letting people know about Charlie, who wasn't fussed about what people thought. Who didn't think that Charlie was too much.
Was that okay, though?
And slowly a small and timid smile started to form on Charlie's face. He welcomed the tears that were welling up this time because those were tears of joy. It wasn't okay. It was okay that Nick had told his friend about Charlie, but it wasn't okay that he hadn't asked. And Charlie fully understood that Nick had probably made the decision in the moment, that this was one huge step in Nick's journey that required so much strength. And Charlie was happy and proud because of that.
But he would have liked to be asked. It was his life – his relationship? – as well, and he deserved to be treated accordingly. So no, it was not okay, Charlie thought with a big grin. And Nick would be happy to hear that.
But the road to recovery is long and hard. And those thoughts, this strong part of Charlie once again slowly faded into the background – until they would both be ready.