Chapter Text
but it takes over my life
i see you everywhere
the sweetest torture one could bear
Yoshino Junpei hates a lot of things.
The dark.
Insects.
Old scars that still get too itchy.
The old Thai restaurant he would go to every weekend with his mom.
Tags that rub against your skin.
Fushiguro Megumi.
Only one of those things he has been unable to remove from his life. It’s not that he doesn’t want to. It’s just that he can’t.
For one, he’s pretty sure that would include murder and after his somewhat depression-fueled manic episode, he found out he doesn’t quite have the stomach for that.
And even if he did, Fushiguro is still too strong for him to even think about it. Not to mention, he’s pretty sure everyone would hate him if he even tried.
Because everyone loves Fushiguro. Dark, moody, snappy and rude Fushiguro doesn’t even try and he attracts them all. Like moths to a light.
He isn’t jealous of the people Fushiguro has around him.
Except for one-
No, he’s perfectly fine on his lonesome. People, too many people, have proved to Junpei time and time again that it’s too dangerous to let your guard down. That people who are actually kind only come every blue moon and the chances of meeting them are even more low.
But he did. Junpei did meet a person like that. A person as radiant as the sun, as beautiful as spessartine.
It was like a movie for him. The kind, dashing knight who saved him came right when he needed him to. He saved Junpei from the life he was living before. From the bullies and the beatings and the complacency. Itadori Yuuji saved him , not just his life.
And then he finds out that Fushiguro saved Itadori first and therefore indirectly saved Junpei. It makes him want to lob over a stone at his head.
Because of course, it was Fushiguro. Fushiguro, who put in a special request and saved Itadori from immediate execution. Fushiguro, who has some sort of sway with the higher ups because of who his guardian is. Fushiguro, who is the embodiment of everything Junpei hates. Fushiguro, who carries himself too much like the rich, pompous assholes who would look at Junpei’s clothes and shoes and turn their noses at him. Fushiguro, who has everything Junpei could ever want. Fushiguro, who is sitting on the seat on the right of Junpei, sipping a cup of coffee and reading some book that Junpei couldn’t even hope to understand.
That perfect curve of his nose, surprisingly lush eyelashes, mesmerising viridian eyes, smooth but sturdy skin, almost no blemishes in sight except for one lone mole on the upper right side of his chin.
Even his stupid hair that somehow looks good in battle.
And even with how much Junpei hates him, he hates that he’s indebted to him so much more.
He saves people’s lives. All you do is ruin them.
Fushiguro doesn’t make sense to him sometimes. It would have been expected, of course, that someone with his stupid perfect looks, his intellect, his wit, his life in general would be obnoxious about it. Would boast any chance they have, to show how much better they are than others, like the gods had handcrafted them from something more special, more rare, more beautiful than everyone else.
Fushiguro just shrugs it off. And that infuriates Junpei even more.
Because it’s one thing to be annoying about your privilege. It’s even worse to be oblivious about it. Like it’s normal to have designer clothes from brands most people couldn’t pronounce, to be able to spend as much money as he wishes with no fear of making ends meet. On having people in his life who would do anything for him. People who are still around.
He doesn’t know the situation with Fushiguro’s family life. Never a peep nor whisper when the others talk about their parents, siblings, relatives. Mum as a mouse whenever someone brings up visiting home. Not that it happens much.
Junpei knows by now that almost everyone in their world has something shitty in their life. That he shouldn’t judge people because who knows what happened to them, what they’re dealing with. So why doesn’t feel the same level of empathy with Fushiguro? The boy has everything in Junpei’s eyes. So what makes him like the rest of them, apart from the fact he can summon animals from nowhere anytime he wants?
Mhm, another thing Junpei hates about Fushiguro. The fact that his shikigami actually listen to and heed him. Like they’re just another limb of his that he can wield with minimal effort.
Junpei, on the other hand, still hasn’t managed to fully control Moon Dregs. Forget control, he can barely summon it.
He spends extra practising in the training rooms almost every morning. He’s so far behind everyone else, and if he even wants to just live, he has to get better. He can’t disappoint another group of people again. It’s near the end of his set, proud at having been able to keep up with the practice dummy for nearly 5 minutes this time, when Fushiguro comes in. They both freeze upon seeing the other, but Fushiguro actually recovers enough to speak.
“Is this room occupied?” Cool as a cucumber, like Junpei isn’t sweating bullets underneath his shirt.
“No,” he croaks, exertion clear in his voice, “Go ahead.”
“Are you sure? I can leave or wait till you’re done–”
“No!” He really hopes he didn’t screech that out, “I’m done, I’m finished!” He isn’t. He still about 15 minutes left but even the thought of Fushiguro standing and watching him fuck up is something he doesn’t want to imagine. Fushiguro clearly doesn’t believe him, but doesn’t push any further.
The room, it’s very atmosphere now is oppressive, like it’s a boa constrictor stopping him from breathing. It takes Junpei about 15 minutes to catch his breath and to clear his things, eyes set on Fushiguro the whole time. He pretends to be drinking water on the benches, but his mind is set on trying to memorise Fushiguro’s footwork and movements. Almost like those pretty figure skaters his mother would fawn over on the TV, he sees the gracefulness, the effortlessness, the poise, the control he has over his own body. He pushes the thought of his mother off his mind, instead analysing Fushiguro’s strikes and hits. The training dummy he’s using is a more advanced model than Junpei’s, and he hasn’t even broken a sweat yet.
He must have noticed Junpei’s gaze burning a hole into his back, and with the last kick knocking over the dummy and him emerging victorious, he turns to face Junpei, not a hair out of place.
“What?” He demands.
“Nothing, nothing!” He hurries, “Just about to leave, I swear.”
Fushiguro eyes him, with that unplaceable look in his eyes. For how much Junpei hates him, he’s not actually sure how Fushiguro feels about him. He’s so difficult to place, to analyse, to fully see that it gives Junpei vertigo.
“Okay.” He settles on. Junpei nods and scurries out of the room, the sounds of Fushiguro going back on his training echoing through the hallways.
He can’t believe it, how badly he fumbled this whole interaction. If Fushiguro thinks he’s a loser with absolutely no social skills and the mannerisms of a mole rat, Junpie wouldn’t even blame him. But he’s looking forward to leaving anyway. He didn’t get up this early for no reason, after all. He heads back to his room, quickly showering and gets ready to head out. He rushes through it, unnecessary considering he already ended training early but he just can’t wait to get going. It’s all part of his plan, to try and hang out more with Yuuji. The new Human Caterpillar spin off just hit stores, with additional behind the scenes extras for them to gush over. He needs this, the chance to have Yuuji fully give his attention to him for even a bit.
The line is already long when he gets there, and as is the case with Junpei’s luck, it starts to pour midway through. Further proving how horrible his day is going, he doesn’t have an umbrella. He powers through though, nearly dropping the change he gets because of how much he’s shivering. It took him nearly 4 hours, sure, but he keeps replaying an image of him and Yuuji on the couch, just the two of them with no one else around. The lights dimmed low, and the sound of the movie breaks through the silence. If he’s brave enough, he might even find a way to brush his fingers against Yuuji’s own. The thought of it is so warm and fuzzy that it almost makes him forget that he’s dripping wet by the time he gets back to the school.
He quickly dries off and puts his game face on, as close as he can get to one anyway and is almost giddy as he makes his way to the common room. He sneaked a peak Gojo sensei’s schedule earlier, and knows for a fact that they are both free today.
He’s bouncing on his heels as he spots Yuuji,who Junpei can’t help but think looks just like an like an adorable puppy. He pulls out the DVD, now in a dry cover and waves it in front of Yuuji, as though it’s a trophy he just won. It might as well be, with how much he spent on it. He silently mourns the loss of any prospects of getting takeout for the next couple of days, at least until he gets his allowance from the school. He may have also been saving up for the past few weeks just for this but now that it’s at arms length, he wants nothing more in the world.
Yuuji’s eyes light up like a star and he quickly makes room for him on the couch. Junpei smiles and hands him the DVD, gladly taking in Yuuji’s compliments and excitment.
“How did you even get this?!” Yuuji exclaims, wrapping his arm around Junpei’s shoulder and shaking him like a kid on Christmas.
“There was an event in the city. I saw it when I went to pick up some stuff from the post office.” He lies, not wanting Yuuji to feel even a bit guilty about what he did in order to get his hands on this for them.
“Your luck is the best, dude!”
Isn’t it? I got to meet you, after all.
“I know, let’s invite Fushiguro too!”
Huh?
“Huh?” He repeats because this is starting to sound like a really cruel fucking joke being played on him right now.
“Fushiguro! He’s free today so he can join too!” Yuuji says, clearly wholly oblivious to Junpei’s plight.
“Fushiguro? Doesn’t he hate movies like that?” He laughs it off, trying to dissuade Yuuji, who clearly doesn’t want to be dissuaded.
Yuuji shakes his head, “You’d think, but whenever I ask him to watch something with me, he always agrees!”
“...oh.”
“Yeah,” Yuuji rambles on, “Kugisaki and Gojo-sensei always asked me to get him to join movie night, something about him only listening to me and he’s been sort of down lately, since I went on that super long mission and I can make those meatballs he always asks me to make, it’s super easy I’ll show you…”
He tunes Yuuji’s words out and the smile on his face slowly drops, not that Yuuji notices. He wants to laugh out loud, with how messed up all of this is.
Junpei is in love with Itadori Yuuji, he doesn’t need anyone to tell him that. He also doesn’t need anyone to tell him that Fushiguro Megumi is too.
Maybe he doesn’t love Yuuji as much as Junpei, but he at the very least likes him enough to go along with his shenanigans. And what the fuck?
What the fuck? Why does Fushiguro have to like Yuuji? Can’t he let Junpei have this one thing? This one thing all for himself? Sweet, kind, brave, handsome, funny Yuuji who, if given the choice between Fushiguro and Junpei, would almost certainly choose Fushiguro. No matter how much Junpei knows how perfect they would be together, Yuuji would ofcourse choose perfect little Fushiguro.
He wants to leave. He can’t be here knowing that this perfect moment he’s been planning for days is going to get ruined in the blink of an eye. He can’t sit there while Fushiguro once again ruins everything for him. He’s not going to give him the satisfaction of that. He chuckles awkwardly, interrupting Yuuji’s rambling and checks his phone. He fakes interest at the blank screen, playing it off as having to meet up with some family. He doesn’t have any left, not since his mother died months ago and his father may as well have years ago, but Yuuji doesn’t have to know that. It’s almost comical how fast Yuuji’s face drops when he says he has to leave.
“Are you sure? Is it something I said or–”
He’s quick to reassure Yuuji, “No no, it just came up and you can’t ignore family when they need you, right?” Yuuji nods, sighing in disappointment. Junpei gets up feeling a small light in his chest over the thought of Yuuji feeling sad that he won’t be here, but even that spark is quickly dashed when Fushiguro enters the room, clearly perturbed at being called on. Junpei sees the way that Yuuji’s face lights up, and he wants to throw himself into a wall.
“This better be good, Itadori.” Fushiguro snarks. Yuuji just laughs and waves him over. Fushiguro sits down right where Junpei was seconds ago. He looks up at Junpei staring at him.
“Is this your seat?”
Junpei slowly shakes his head, tears stinging his eyes, threatening to pour out. He gives a small goodbye to Yuuji, and quickly leaves the room.
He makes his way back to his dorm room, and sobs into the pillow. He did everything right, made sure everything was in place and it still wasn’t enough. Why? Why does it feel like Fushiguro is out to get him? Why can’t he let Junpei have one thing when he has everything else? Why does he have to be so fucking useless, like a second option no one is ever going to choose? Why can’t Yuuji just see how much Junpei is in love with him? Why can’t his mother be here right now, cradling him and telling him that everything will be alright? Why can’t he ever live upto expectations, ever be as good as the others?
He falls asleep like that, having exhausted himself. He thinks he hears someone knocking at the door, but he’s too tired to answer. He wants to be unseen, unheard and unknown by everyone. He wants to disappear into Fushiguro’s shadows, and never emerge again. He could maybe even convince Fushiguro to let him do it. He deserves it– after everything Fushiguro has done to him, he deserves this.
He’s sitting near the training field the next day, clearly knocked out with exhaustion. He keeps his eyes trained on the figures in the field, on Kugisaki trying to take down Maki-senpai without any weapons, on Panda-senpai and Inumaki-senpai hold score and somewhat unwillingly, on Yuuji and Fushiguro chatting with each other. He can't see well with the sun glaring down at them but he can see Yuuji laughing at something, body leaning on Fushiguro’s for support and Fushiguro is just letting him. His chest has that ugly, that incredibly ugly feeling bubbling up again when he feels a presence suddenly materialise next to him. It’s been nearly 4 months since he’s gotten here but he finds that he still flinches a bit whenever Gojo-sensei does that.
“What’s up kiddo?” Gojo-sensei asks, ruffling his hair.
“Nothing, just taking a break.” He murmurs, mood already ruined.
“Mhm.” Gojo-sensei responds, and dear god does Junpei need to get better at lying.
“You sure that’s all you’re doing?”
“Huh?”
“Looks like you’re pretty distracted kid.”
“Don’t you have some work to get back to, sensei?” He’s being mouthy and if it were anyone else, he would fear reprisal but in all the time Junpei has known him, Gojo-sensei hasn’t ever once gotten even slightly annoyed at his students.
“Ugh, why does everyone doubt my intentions?” He groans dramatically, “Is it so hard to believe that your teacher just wants to help?”
Junpei falters at that, guilt creeping in, “...It’s just…I don’t know.”
Gojo-sensei smiles down at him, “You don’t have to be concerned, Junpei. You’re not going to be sent on active duty until I say that you’re ready.”
“Am I close?”
“You’re trying, it’s very clear to see.” He says instead, “At the same time, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but in our line of work, effort and hardwork don’t automatically mean you’ll succeed. You’re a special case though, considering how late you started using your powers.”
“...I don’t know.”
Gojo sensei hums, sparking up in a second, “You could always ask Megumi.”
“Fu-Fushiguro?” Junpei stammers, like a deer caught in headlights,
“Yep! While not the same, I think your techniques are similar enough for him to give you some pointers. Shikigami users channel their cursed energy differently than the rest of us. Besides, it would be good practice for him as well.”
“It-it's alright, you don’t have to disturb him– I’ll be fine I swear!”
“Too late.” He cups his hands around his mouth, voice clear across the field, “ MEEEGGUUMMIIIIII–”
Fushiguro turns to look at Gojo, and by extension Junpei as well. Even though he’s on the other side of the field, Junpei still feels his soul being bared open to Fushiguro’s gaze. He only has one thought running through his head.
I’m fucked.