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Your first ever real hug was from Roxy. You’ve held her hand before on Derse, dragging her sleeping self out of trouble, but you’d never dare to linger more than needed. When you entered the game in the heat of the moment you barely registered the reality that you are now standing in the same room as three other people. Three whole human beings.
You watched Jake’s lips on yours- the ones of your disembodied head. His hands were slick with blood- your blood, beside you Jane’s face twisted in disgust while on your other side Roxy’s jaw slacked open watching the display with mortified fascination. Jake noticed you arriving, and when his eyes met yours he screamed in shock throwing your lifeless head to the ground on instinct like it was suddenly too hot to hold. The whole scene was brutally comedic from start to finish.
You finally enter the game, and as the world around you flashes with green energy and you find the section of Jake’s island you stood on was now surrounded by an unfamiliar landscape you all stop frozen with the wearing off of adrenaline. Everyone is breathing heavily including you, although you pay extra attention to keeping it concealed. You're all looking back and forth gawking at each other in disbelief. That’s when Roxy throws her hands around your neck.
Hugging a real person is a lot different from hugging a puppet or robot. Roxy’s arms feel warm and soft around you, but they're firm, unlike a puppet she feels solid. Her fingers clutch at your shirt and her whole body trembles slightly as she breathes, her chest presses to yours and you can feel her heart beating. You have to force your own heartbeat to slow and breathing to stabilize as you reach your hands up to return the hug. You wrap your arms around her like you would Cal. But she’s bigger than Cal, about your height, maybe a bit taller. Her hair twists in tight curls and you can feel them soft against your face and neck.
The actual hug only lasted a few seconds, you watched, still slightly taken aback as Roxy jumped into Jane’s arms next, who held her tight as they laughed. You almost didn’t notice Jake approaching you.
You barely turned to look at him, you aren’t sure if it was out of an attempt to look cool or if you were just scared you would immediately go tomato-red from standing in close proximity to a real living boy for the first time in your life, and not just any living boy but the one you’ve been awkwardly trying to court for years. The one you just saw making out with your decapitated head. That boy. Sadly your body still betrays your immaculately crafted image with uncontrollable physical phenomena such as blushing.
Slowly he walked past you, and as he did his hand landed on your shoulder. You finally looked over, and realized you had to angle your head slightly up. He gives you a grin, snaggletoothed overbite shining down like a beacon as his fingers squeezed your shoulder, giving it a small, firm shake. You can’t help but let a small smile slip, as you nod in conformation that yes, you really did make it happen. And soon after look away from his tan dimpled cheeks before your traitorous blood gives you away by using your face as a red blood cell convention lobby. You can’t help but feel disappointment when his warm hand leaves your shoulder.
Over the course of the first week in the medium you get more hugs, most are from Roxy, though Jane has also given you one. After you helped her solve a mystery on her planet, she wrapped you up in a big hug. Jane’s hugs felt safe, she pulled you in against her chest, you found her arms were stronger than you gave her credit for and you swear she lifted you up in the air slightly. She was taller than Roxy, and even taller compared to you, she was also probably twice your size in general. It almost made you feel insecure how she could pick you up like you weighed nothing, that despite your strength you were still so small in stature. Almost. Because when she held you it didn't feel like a threat, but like a warm weighted blanket on a cold day.
You also discover that actual sleep, with no dual waking selves, no Derse, is terrifying. First time you closed your eyes and your world started fading you shot back up immediately, like your body was telling you that you were about to die . You managed to get just enough sleep to get through the week, but it was difficult. You couldn't sleep a dreamless night, but when you had dreams they were horrific. Full of machine gore and fun-house mirrors and you try not to think about whatever psychological implications that has.
Throughout that week, and the next, and the one after that you get more comfortable with casual touch, you don’t have to suppress flinches anymore, you don’t feel overwhelmed when you feel warm skin against yours, and you even get used to all the other parts of coexisting with other people. Like hearing them around you, walking, talking, breathing- You still haven’t really gotten used to the fact that now there’s people who can actually see you. Your perfectly sculpted hair now not only show for your robots and the alien watching over you, but also your friends. In the room with you.
Throughout those weeks you don’t get to find out what Jake’s hugs are like. You’re still dancing around him, and the topic of you two. You see him envelop Roxy into a rib crushing hug after a successful questing mission, he wraps his arms around her and lifts her up as she giggles. You see him and Jane exchange a somewhat awkward side hug as a greeting once or twice. But when it comes to you he opts for the more bro-y shows of affection. A hardy pat on the back, a grab of the shoulder, a nudge to the side. Always quick and fleeting.
You go on a questing spree with Jake by your side, you arrive on your planet, already geared up with decorated gas masks ready for the hostile environment of the land of Tombs and Krypton. A few hours in you and Jake get cornered by a horde of skeletons, you took the wrong turn in the hall and ended up in a dead end. It takes you several minutes of brute force to get through them, Jake runs out of bullets halfway through, and you struggle to get a good swing in the enclosed space without hitting yourself or Jake. But eventually Jake manages to kick the remaining skeleton in the shin, it drops and you swing your sword. Finally taking off the last skull.
After that you both still for a moment, heavy breathing now becoming the loudest sound in the room even when filtered through your masks. Finally Jake slouches down with a sigh, hands on his knees as you attempt to regain composure while he’s not looking. You can see the sweat run down his exposed arms and his hair now messy around his mask, there are some dark smears on his clothes and skin from whatever blood-equivalent fluid those skeletons have in their bodies.
“Phew. That was a close one, geez.” Jake chuckles, he straightens up, and turns to you.
“They didn’t get you anywhere did they?” Suddenly before you get a chance to answer his hands are on your shoulders, his head tilts as he looks you up and down and you feel so utterly exposed, dirty and disheveled. This wasn’t how you were supposed to be, you’re polished, precise, perfect. It makes you want to shove him away realizing how affected you look by something so stupid as getting cornered because you were distracted. He fusses with you a bit, at some point he grabs your arm, wiping away some of the dark fluid that landed on you too, checking for scrapes.
His fingers are calloused and rough like yours are just in different places. His fingers are thicker than yours, less bony, overall bigger. He handles you with gentleness you’d never expect from someone like him. You’re barely listening to what he’s saying, rambling on and on about how much of a close call that was and you feel ashamed for putting you both in that situation until suddenly your train of thought is utterly cut off as his arms wrap around you.
He’s taller than you, he hunches over until his head is next to yours but your face is still on level with his collar bone, his hands are on your shoulder blades, and your hands are hovering awkwardly over the small of his back, unsure if you should hug back or not. You can feel the solidness of his presence, his warmth, but in just a few seconds it’s taken away as he pulls back. He looks at you, concern in his eyes.
“Sorry, I should’ve asked first, dang it, was that too much? Oh I probably went and made you mighty friggin’ uncomfortable there didn’t I- I’m just happy you’re okay, Dirk.”
“No man it’s- it’s cool, why would I not be okay?”
“You basically fought off most of those blasted skeletons on your own! I barely did bugger-all after my bullets ran out!”
“Jake, I'm fine. I should be apologizing for getting us cornered.” You break eye contact, but your visor obscures your eyes completely. “I didn’t mind the hug. It was… fine.”
Basically as soon as you finish your sentence, Jake’s hands go back from where they were on your shoulders to your shoulder blades again, this time he squeezes you tighter, and the pressure puts you strangely at ease, your mind provides the weighted blanket metaphor once more. You feel his arms around you, his chest now pressed against you and your face buried in his collarbone and you hope your mask isn’t digging into him too badly. You can feel your breathing slow. He holds you, and you realize that somehow your heart rate has gone up yet you feel more relaxed. A warmth runs through you as you take in the feeling.
It’s different from both Jane and Roxy, Jake hugs like he’s worried you’ll slip right through his fingers if he doesn’t hold on with enough force. It's firm, solid, but not uncomfortable. His fingers spread on your back like he’s trying to hold as much of you as possible, and you reach your own hands hesitantly to his back. You can feel the muscles of his back move as he breathes and you find something so comforting about that. After a few seconds he lets go, but there’s something hanging in the air, a question, but it’s left unanswered.
It’s a few days later that you and Jake are on his planet, laying on your backs on the grassy terrace of one of the green hills. You’re just close enough to occasionally brush shoulders when you shift. Jake sighs a bit louder than a regular exhale to get your attention before he breaks the silence.
“Dirk, we should talk.”
“Should we? I thought the quiet was pretty pleasant.”
“You know what I mean, Dirk.”
“Do I?” You do. He knows that, he just gives you a pointed look and now it’s your turn to sigh. “You’re right, sorry.”
He just turns on his side, he props his head up on his hand before he continues.
“So, will you let me kiss you when you’re actually conscious?” Jake asked hesitantly.
“I- What .” That was not the question you expected.
“Oh Christ, don’t make me repeat myself.” Jake rolled back on his back, hands now covering his face. Is he blushing?
“I thought you’d-” You thought he’d never consider you again after all of that. That it was a miracle he was even okay with just hugging you. “Y-yeah. Yeah I’d like that. If you would.” You reach up to your glasses without a word, turning Hal's interface off before he gets the chance to interrupt.
“Well I wouldn’t be asking you and friggin’ blushing red as a blasted tomato would I not!” Jake let his hands fall down on either side of his head.
“Point taken.”
Suddenly he’s getting up on his hands, and turning to you, face still red, you could even call it adorable. You two slowly lean closer, and smoothly his hand ends up on your cheek, warm calloused fingers against the soft fuzz on the edges of your face, your torsos twists and he leans even more, his other hand now on your thigh. Your hands hover uselessly in the air so you bring one down to put it over Jake’s and the other gently rests on his middle. And then he slowly leans in.
It's a soft little kiss, it doesn’t feel like all that much, just the fleeting softness of his lips on yours. And your glasses slide against each other uncomfortably. But the act is so gentle. It makes your heart hurt, you need to get even closer. And so you do.
Your hands go to Jake’s lower back and pull him in, you turn yourself over, sitting on his thighs, your head in the crook of his neck. You breathe in his warmth, and his arms wrap around you and it feels so safe. You quietly ask if you can just stay like this, and he just nods and hums and so you do.
“Would you-” You start a question, but reconsider your wording midway. Jake waits patiently for you to continue. His hand drawing shapes on your back as he holds you.
“I can't sleep.” You start. “I don't know how to. I'm-” Scared. You're scared of sleep.
“How can I help?” He asks with the saddest eyes you've seen on him in a while, so full of compassion that it hurts. You'd accuse him of pitying you, but you can't.
“Can you just stay with me? It may help when I freak out if there's someone there.”
“Of course buddy.” Coming from anyone else ‘buddy’ may have felt like a dismissal, but from him it's almost like a pet name. The way he says it is full of warmth, and you want nothing more.
You spent a few nights huddled together, your sleeping got better, but soon Jake started going off on his own again. After a few months you barely saw him. After half a year you felt like he was avoiding you. You nearly cried leaving long desperate messages, trying to mend them by pretending to be nonchalant.
Hal laughed in your face bitterly, with jealousy that you get to be there physically with Jake, and with anger that you fucked it up.
It all culminated with the trickster shit. And then nothing. You were all too busy fighting for your lives to think about any of it. When the fight ended, and you found yourselves on that platform, everyone celebrating, you found yourself standing next to Jake.
He turned to you and you almost panicked, sheepishly raising a hand in greeting, but before you could even register it the brightest smile you've seen on his face in months flashed those charmingly crooked teeth at you before he jumped straight into a hug.
His warmth surrounds you, strong arms hold you tight, his now longer hair brushes against your face.
You almost felt tears prickle at the corners of your eyes, realizing you haven't lost your friend after all. And you wrapped your arms around him tightly, burying your head in the crook of his neck, letting yourself breathe in his warmth. He smells like tree sap and sweat, and a slight hint of a burning hot iron, like his use of hope aspect energy left him slightly scorched.
“Oh Dirk! I'm so glad you're okay!” Jake exclaimed. “I could barely catch a glimpse of you during that whole scramble! You gave me quite the fright, mister!”
“Sorry.” You mumbled with a small smile. He pulled back from the hug, and suddenly, almost like it was against his will his calloused thumb was tracing your cheek, palm cupping the side of your neck. The gentle gesture made you choke up slightly.
“No. I'm sorry Dirk.” Jake said quietly. His hand was warm on your face.
“It wasn't just your fault. I-” You took a second to steady your voice. “I rushed things too much.”
“I should've just talked to you, it wasn't fair of me to just ignore you. I missed you.” You closed the distance again, into another hug. There was something comforting about Jake’s voice, especially when this close to you, the rumble in his chest, the hard to pin down accent, even the weird vocabulary was endearing to you.
“I… I missed you too.”
“Let's talk later.”
“Let's.”
That night you arrive in your new world, fresh and untouched, and for the first time in months you share a bed again. And for the first time in months you have a restful night of sleep.