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“I can’t believe he’s gone. Just yesterday he was nagging me about latin roots.” Pitts says. He’s the first one to speak. Charlie doesn’t say anything. “But what made him want to do it? I don’t understand.” Knox asks “None of us really knew him that well, we’re just his closest friends.” Neil replies.
Charlie still says nothing. He must know something. “His mom told me it was ok for me to go through his dorm room to see if I could find any reason why he would-” I don't finish my sentence. Kill himself. I finish in my head. We stay silent for a second. “I should go do that before they clean out his room.” They always leave the rooms with no trace. I walk out without saying goodbye. I don't know what else to say.
Charlie catches up to me when I'm halfway down the hall. “Steph, are you sure you can do this by yourself? I know you were the closest to him.” He asks “I’m sure. I don’t want to deal with the pressure honestly.” “I’ll stay with Pitts tonight if you want to stay in our room.” I nod but don’t let Charlie correct himself to say his room. It would hurt too much. I walk to the room that is now just Charlies. I wait for a second before opening the door.
Once i’m in the room, I look around. There's a black journal in plain sight. When I open it, I see nothing but the margins of ripped papers. I flip almost furiously trying to find something. Please. Then two things catch my eye. A page full of words and an envelope with my name on it. I don't read the page. Instead, I grab the notebook and run to my dorm. I throw open the door. Should I read this aloud? Everyone is there. Knox, Pitts, Charlie, Todd, Neil. They all look up at me. “What did you find?” Charlie asks. “A notebook.” i’ll read the page. “What does it say?” Knox asks.
Todd throws him a look. “We shouldn’t do this. It’s not right.” Neil says. I look at the two of them. Todd's head is on Neil’s lap. Neil’s arms are around Todd's stomach. They look content.
“Dear Red,” I start reading. Everyone goes silent. “Most of the time I'm over you. But then your smile tears through an awful day. Then your laughter becomes contagious. Then your eyes capture me and don’t let me go. I wish I could say you’re wrong for what you did.” I pause for breath. Who is this about? I continue “You hurt me so much. But i’m holding back because at the end of the day, I know it’s me who ruined everything. Then you crushed my heart with a weight I could not lift. Red, I always make things worse. That's why we ended the way we did. I wish I had done more. I wish I had been more.” My eyes flit across the page.
I read the next segment in my head and when I try to speak the words, my breath goes shaky. “It doesn’t matter now, though. It’s all over now. My- my-.” In. Out. In. Out. “My life is over. You won't miss me when I go. It’s better to die than be on a planet where you hate me.” All the poets look at me. No one speaks.
I didn’t know Cam felt like this. Without making eye contact, Pitts speaks. “Read the one with your name on it.” He says. Todd moves from his place on Neils lap. “I really don’t think this is right. You read that. That was deeply personal. What if he tells you who Red is? I don’t think he would want people to know.” Todd explains. “I’m not sure he wants to keep Red a secret.” I state.
The sudden taste of blood invades my mouth. What if I’m Red. What if it’s my fault? Charlie’s facial expression changes too. Neil must have said something but I don’t know what it is. “You knew? You knew and you didn’t tell me?” “It would’ve been worse if I did.” Neil says. Tell him what? No. No. No. “you’re Red.” I realize. Charlie gives me a desperate look. “What did you do?” I ask him. “I didn’t mean to, he just started leaning into me and I couldn’t tell him no. He just looked so sad and-” “then you hurt him. I’m such an idiot.” “Steve, I-” “Save it, Charlie. It’s over.” Charlie understands and he leaves, a look of despair plaguing his face.
I look around at the rest of my friends. “Don’t you have anything better to do?” I snap. They get what I mean and leave as soon as possible. Then I slam the door.
I feel my knees buckle and I fall to the floor. I cry I cry and cry. When I'm finally done, I stand up and look at myself in the mirror. My hair is far too long for a boy. My eyes are puffy and red from crying. My face is acne scarred and ugly. Why would Charlie ever want me? The taste of blood floods my mouth again. I lost all my friends in one day. I always ruin things. Why can’t I do anything right?