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Aiden was the type you’d expect to always smile through everything. Always happy, cheerful, and of course a daredevil. Well today wasn’t one of those days. As soon as Aiden woke up, he knew it.
He felt it would be one of those days. One of those days where you don’t wanna get out of bed. One of those days where every little thing you do is ridiculed by yourself. One of those days where you wish you didn’t wake up.
He curled up more into the blankets, not wanting to get up.
what’s even the point anymore?
He thought to himself. I mean, what even was the point anymore. All he was gonna do was be a nuisance, a mistake. Maybe his brain was right, it could be extremely persuasive.
He turns over to look at his phone on his bedside table. It was buzzing with notifications.
‘None of them really care about you, they’re only here because they take pity on you. Nobody could ever truly love, or hell, even like you’
His thoughts only got louder the longer he was conscious. They're right, none of them could really care about him. He was just a burden to them.
‘I bet they wouldn’t even care if you died. They would probably celebrate such an annoyance like you finally dying’
He looked up at his ceiling, fuck his brain was too loud. He didn’t want to do anything, he’d just be in the way right?
Whenever he felt this way, usually Ben was there to help him or at least take care of him, but Ben was with Taylor again. It seemed like that’s the only other place he’d go nowadays.
All Aiden wanted was to simply disappear. To cease existing. Maybe then he wouldn’t be in everyone’s way. But the second closest thing to that right now is sleeping.
So Aiden closed his eyes and succumbed to his sleep. At least he wasn’t in the way anymore.
——————Ashlyn’s POV————————
Nerdo: Are we still meeting up for the picnic at 2:30?
Ashlyn: yeah
The better twin: me and Ben will be there!
Baseball freak: I’ll be there
Nerdo: Aiden? Are you gonna go?
Benny boo: Aiden?
Why wasn’t Aiden answering? Usually he would have responded by now. Was he okay? Was he hurt? Was his phone dead? This was so unlike Aiden. I’m honestly worried for Aiden, I mean who wouldn’t be. He wasn’t answering the texts. Maybe I’ll try to call him.
———————Aiden POV————————
I awoke again to a familiar ringtone. God, who was calling me. After I let it go to voicemail I finally picked up my phone to see what was going on.
Psycho: sorry guys I’m not gonna be able to make it today
The better twin: why? are you okay?
Psycho: just a little tired I’ll be fine tho you guys have fun without me
Nerdo: we’ll see you tomorrow at school and get some rest
Ashlyn: I agree with Logan
Finally, some peace and quiet. At least I won’t be annoying anyone. They’ll probably have more fun without me. Ben won’t have to deal with me for a while because I’m sure he’ll be staying at Taylor’s house for a little while after their picnic. Too tired to do anything else, I fell back asleep.
—————-Ashlyn’s POV————————-
That was so out of the ordinary for Aiden to just not show up to plans. Even when he was tired or had a particularly bad day, he still showed up. Should I be concerned?
He’s probably just sick or something. But even then he would still show up. Is he okay? It’s fine. He’s fine.
Why am I worrying so much? He’s just an acquaintance, a classmate, a friend maybe. But I’d never say that out loud.
I mean he’s such a bright and happy person in contrast to me. Antisocial, tired, and constantly overwhelmed. He is the type of person to have a pull that just made everyone gravitate towards him or be absolutely terrified of him. What even about him made me want to talk to him?
Is this what having friends is like? I’ve never had friends before so maybe this is nothing more than just friendship, but I dont feel this way with Logan, or Taylor, or Ben. Only Aiden.
So why? Why whenever I’m near him my heartbeat starts to quicken or the fact that he was the only one in our friend group to make me really laugh. what is it about Aiden that's so irritating yet so intriguing? Oh. My. God. Am I?.. no. But.. ugh the evidence is overwhelming. I’m in love with Aiden. Jesus.
Okay, I have these feelings. That’s undeniable, but now what do I do? I could pursue them or just sit in silence without ever telling a soul that I’m actually in love for the first time in my whole life. The second option is rather appealing… but then again Tay would go crazy over this news. Fine.
——————time skip!!—————————
I just made this heavy realization and felt like I need to tell someone, so I of course told Taylor.
“Omg really!” Taylor shouted to me once I told her my realization.
“Omg Tay shh” I whispered back to her. Tyler was inside the house getting something with Ben helping him and my dad was inside talking to the twins mom.
“When did you realize this?” Tay decided to ask, when did these thoughts start to invade my brain? I know I like him, it makes logical sense, But when did these feelings start?
“I realized I liked him today, but I can’t pinpoint when I started to feel this way for him. Maybe like a few months ago.”
“Omg! Ash he definitely likes you back!”
“No he doesn’t” I blankly state. He’s just like that to almost everyone, I’m not the only one he talks to really.
“Please don’t tell me you’re in denial” Taylor is trying to convince me that Aiden likes me back. She’s just trying to be a good friend but I know he doesn’t see me that way.
“I’m not denying anything-“ but I gets cut off by the driver's door opening along with the other doors on both sides of Taylor.
Ben, Tyler, and my dad all got in the car. Now they just had to pick up Logan.
——————time skip!!—————————
The picnic was fun, a little more silent and boring without Aiden but okay overall. I realize that I was missing Aiden’s lively presence. I hope he is getting some amount of rest.
At one point they asked Ben if Aiden was okay and Ben signed that Aiden had some days where he was more mentally tired than others. He was usually fine a day or two after but he’s never had one this bad in a long while. This concerned us all and Ben agreed to just go back to check up on Aiden when we all left around 7:45.
———————Aiden’s POV————————
Fuck. Why can’t I fall back asleep? How am I this useless that I can’t just fucking fall back asleep? If I’m unconscious then I won’t be a problem. It’s pointless doing anything nowadays. It’s not like I’m gonna live to graduation. Nobody would even care if I went missing. Nobody would cry at my funeral. None of them care.
I turn over to check the time on my alarm clock.
8:07 the clock reads. Fuck, Ben would be getting home soon. He can’t see me like this. I’m already enough of a burden. Why am I like this? I’m just being dramatic at this point.
I hear the front door opening. Dammit he’s here. He doesn’t care about me, he just pity’s me. He shouldn’t care. I’m not surprised that he doesn’t. Who would care for my pathetic ass. Everyone spends time or money on me while I just whine all the time. If i could just stop being annoying then people might care.
There’s a knock at my door but I’m too tired to answer it. The doors open anyways. Ben enters my room. He has that look on his face whenever it’s bad like this and he has to take care of me. Nothings wrong with me so why do I have to burden everyone around me?
“Are you okay?”Ben signs. I don’t have any energy to respond. He walks over to me and sits on the edge of my bed.
“Is it bad this time?” I’m angry with myself at this point. Why can’t I just fucking respond? I’m burdening him with having to take care of little pathetic me. He at least deserves an explanation or reassurance. I shake my head but he can see right through me.
Ben just hugs me as I start to sob. Fuck. He doesn’t even care about me, and that “fact” makes me sob even harder. He’s only doing this because he feels bad. He doesn’t even care. None of them do.
‘You’re just a pathetic annoying loser who can’t even do something as basic as fall asleep.’
I eventually stop sobbing and Ben lets go. Of course he would, I'm just a pathetic loser.
That was my last thought before I fell asleep.
When I wake up I check my alarm clock for the time again.
11:39 it reads.
We’re about to shift soon. I’ll have to be an annoyance for the next 7 hours. I’ll just run off or something because none of them will care. I could be getting mauled by a phantom and they wouldn’t care. They wouldn’t even bat an eye.
I start sobbing at that thought.
‘They wouldn’t care if you died, just kill yourself.’
I sit up. There the urges are. I can't stop myself from relapsing. It seems so appealing right now. Making myself bleed.
‘Finally doing something that’s more productive than wasting your lazy ass away sitting in bed all day.’
I start walking to the bathroom. Tears are streaming down my face.
‘Disgusting.’
Of course the voices were right. I’m nothing but a useless little bitch who can’t even do anything right.
I close the bathroom door and lock it. I start crying harder. I fall to my knees, reaching for the bottom cabinet door. It opens to reveal a pack of open razor blades. These were my moms, I just stole them.
‘Your annoying, a nuisance, and a thief? The world really would be better without you.’
I hurriedly reach into the packaging, pulling out a new razor blade.
Sobbing my eyes out, I get a towel and some gauze. I might be ill, but I’m not stupid. This isn’t my first rodeo.
I pick up the razor blade and put it to my left arm before taking a swipe. I hiss at the pain.
‘Shut up, you know you deserve to bleed.’
I know that. I take another swipe, pressing harder. I continue swiping until my left arm is a red, bloody mess.
I finally stop. My arm is throbbing with sharp pain. I look at it and smile. I deserve all of this. At least I’m good at this. Everyone would want this for me.
I press the towel to my arm, the green of the towel quickly turns red. I hiss at the pain, all of this was deserved. Hell it was overdue. I add more pressure till the wounds stop bleeding.
I turn the faucet on to wash them when I hear a knock at the bathroom door. It’s Ben. He doesn’t care. I wish he’d stop pretending. I wince with pain once my arm hits the water. Another knock.
“Um one sec” I managed to choke out. I quickly pick up the towel to dry it off. I tap the dry end of the towel to pick up any water. I go to grab the gauze but I got cut off.
~~~~SHIFT~~~~
Once my vision clears the image of the bus comes into view.
Shit.
I wasn’t able to put gauze on the wounds. Not like it would’ve helped. My arm stings as it rubs against my long sleeve suit. I’m trying really hard not to react to the pain. Thank god these suits are black or the red coming from my arm would be much more noticeable.
I come back into consciousness when I hear Ash’s voice. She’s saying something that I don’t register. Everyone agrees and they all start talking.
“I’ll be right back guys.” I say before exiting the bus. I walk to another bus and I start breaking down and sobbing again.
‘None of them like you. You’re so dumb for thinking Ash would like you back. They all wake up and hope you’re dead. Just kill yourself already, you’d be doing everyone a favor.’
I walk to the back of this bus and sit down. I wish I wasn’t alive.
——————Ashlyn’s POV———————
“I think we should just take a rest day today.” I state to the group who all responded with nodding their heads. They start talking to each other when Aiden announces that he’ll be right back. I was going to ask him if he was okay.
“Do you know if he’s okay Ben?” I ask.
“I came home and checked up on him. Today was really bad and later I heard him crying through the bathroom door.” Ben signs back
“I hope he’s okay.” Taylor says
“I’m gonna follow him.” I say hoping Ben wouldn’t protest. He nods and I leave the bus, walking towards the bus Aiden went into.
The doors creak open as I hear sobbing noises coming from the back suddenly stop. I slowly walk to the back. Questioning myself if this is the right thing.
‘Of course it is. Check up on Aiden and make sure he’s okay.’
My inner dialogue reminds me. I reach the back of the bus just to see a crying Aiden curled up into a ball.
I sit beside him. I just wrap my arms around him and he sobs louder. I don’t know what’s going on in his head, but I want to be there for him. I pull him into my lap and hug him harder.
After a while of me cradling him in my arms I ask what I’m really thinking.
“What’s wrong?” I look at him as he raises his head to look at me.
“I-I,” he starts “I’m sorry, I-i”
“You have nothing to apologize for, just tell me what’s bothering you.”
He starts tearing up again.
“I-I’m sorry I’m such an annoyance, I’m sorry I’m such a burden to all of you.”
“You’re not a burden to me. You’re definitely not a burden to any of the others. You’re perfect.”
“Don’t lie Ash, I’m not perfect. I’m reckless, annoying, and loud. You have all the right to hate me.”
“You might be loud and reckless but that's what we love about you, that’s what I love about you.” What am I saying?
I kiss his forehead And he looks back up at me.
“W-what?, no you’re lying.”
“No, I'm not. I love you Aiden. Please don’t talk about yourself like this.”
The tears are flowing out of his eyes at this point.
He starts crying again and I just hold him closer.
“I love you too Ash.” He whispers. I kiss his forehead again and he looks up again.
His lips meet mine. The kiss is full of love and reassurance. I like this feeling. As soon as he pulls away I miss the feeling of his lips on mine.
I smile at him and he smiles back. A real smile.
“There’s my Aiden”