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"I love you." said Edwin.
Charles turned his head to look at the other boy. "Great. Love you too. Can we go?" he said, confused, why it was so important to state it now, when he'd already known.
"As more than a friend, I'm afraid... Charles, I'm in love with you." Edwin said, his voice breaking, tears in his eyes. "You don't have to feel the same way. I just need you to know."
What? Charles couldn't even process what he was hearing. No, this didn't make any sense. It couldn't be. Edwin must be joking... Wait... There was a greek myth, with Hell and all... What was it? It was something like Orph- Oh, now he got it. Edwin was testing him, surely. He started chuckling a bit. "Oh, I get it. This is like one of those Orpheus and Eurydice moments, yeah?" This totally made sense... right?
"I certainly hope not, that story ends tragically."
"Right. Never finished it." admitted Charles. He was the brawn for a reason. So what was Edwin on about?
"Charles, I'm being quite serious, in the event that wasn't obvious!" blurted out Edwin with an edge to his voice.
Charles stared at the other boy. Oh. Oh. Edwin... wasn't joking. It was just... it wasn't right. Edwin being in love with him? Edwin offering his heart to Charles? Edwin, who had the kindest heart of all. Edwin, who deserved the whole world. Edwin, who'd gone through so much shit he didn't even deserve.
If he could go back in time and prevent all the shit that had happened to Edwin, Hell knew he would. If Edwin asked for the stars in the sky, he would get them for him somehow, no matter what. Because Edwin deserved it.
And truth was, Charles didn't deserve Edwin. Edwin deserved someone so much better than him. Yet still, to Charles, in the moment, it felt like... like Edwin had cut out his own (non-beating) heart and was handing it to him. If he were completely honest, Charles would've liked to take it, protect it, in every way, but... he feared he was gonna bruise it, if he did. What had he even done to earn this boy's full love? He couldn't understand, but he really appreciated it.
But was he in love with Edwin? He didn't really know... Sure, he was jealous a few times when Edwin was spending time with others. He had realized how attractive his best friend was, but he didn't think it was anything weird. He loved small touches between them, tried to take every chance to touch him. But he figured it was just because he missed feeling skin underneath his fingers, after learning that ghosts could actually feel other ghosts... But he hadn't really thought of them romantically. He didn't even know what was being in love like. He had never been in love. Every person he was interested in or dated was just a crush, a lover. So, of course, he didn't know it just yet...
But even though he had never really thought of them that way, he knew, in the future, he could love Edwin like that, if he hadn't already. Because it was Edwin. He would do anything for him. He had already loved him, maybe even romantically, but he didn't have the time to figure it out right now.
And also, he had a lot going on right now, trying to deal with his anger issues and stuff. What if he turned out just like his father? He couldn't bear the thought of hurting Edwin in the slightest bit. So, he had to tell him the truth that he was feeling at the moment. And he realized, it would still hurt Edwin, and even the thought of that made Charles sick. But it was still better than giving him hope and then Charles fucking everything up, as usual. He needed time. Time to solve his problems, to figure out his feelings...
So he took a step down the stairs to get closer to Edwin, lay his hands on Edwin's shoulders while looking him in the eyes. "I want you, to listen to me. You, Edwin Payne, are my best mate. That will never change. You are the most important person in the world to me. And I can't really say that, like... that I'm in love with you back. But there's no one else, no one else, that I would go to Hell for. And we've got- and we've got literally forever to figure out what the rest means... As long as we get out of here. Okay?" he told Edwin, and he meant every word of it.
And Edwin nodded slightly, fighting off his tears, offering him an unconvincing smile-
Then they heard the demon shrieking underneath them. "Run!" shouted Charles as they had spotted the creepy doll-spider, and they started running up the stairs as fast as they could. God, he almost forgot they were trying to escape Hell for a moment there.
He needed to tell Charles about his feelings for him. What if they didn't make it out, after all? He knew it was a one-sided affection, but he couldn't keep this from him much longer. Besides, Charles deserved to know just how much he was loved.
Charles deserved all the love in this forsaken world. He shouldn't have gone through what had happened to him. He was the kindest person Edwin had ever known. Yet, the universe didn't seem to care about these things. Look at Edwin, he had never really done anything bad that meant he belonged in Hell... still, his afterlife was in there. Life was not fair to either of them. But it wasn't him that mattered, at the moment. It was Charles.
He felt like Charles had never really believed when someone had told him they cared about him. Edwin believed that was mostly because of his abusive father and his 'friends' who had killed him. He would never understand people who found happiness in other people’s suffering. He never even knew those people, but he hated them with so much passion, he had sometimes fantasized about killing them himself, for ruining Charles's life.
God, he loved Charles so much, it hurt. But also, it made him feel alive in a way. Like when every time Charles touched him, he felt like his heart started pounding faster, which was impossible, given the fact that he was dead, and his heart could no longer beat. Or even when he took a deeper look at Charles and felt butterflies in his stomach. And he could've continued listing these things for days. It was a mystery how he'd only realized that his feelings were not at all just friendly for Charles, after the Cat King and Monty had come into the picture. Sure, he had wondered often, why his heart was 'beating' out of his chest a lot of times around Charles, but he just couldn't put his finger on it, and after a while, he just assumed it to be normal.
Point was, he had to tell Charles, in this very moment. So he gathered all the courage he could, and said "I love you."
Charles turned his head to face him and replied "Great. Love you too. Can we go?", already turning back to go. But before he could take a step Edwin stopped him by continuing his confession.
Obviously, Charles didn't understand him, so he had to be more clear. "As more than a friend, I'm afraid." Now Charles looked back at him and he couldn't quite read the expressions on his face, but he seemed like he was confused and surprised. He felt his (very little) confidence shrink. He wasn't sure when he had started crying but he felt tears in his eyes. "Charles, I'm in love with you." he said, his voice breaking. "You don't have to feel the same way. I just need you to know."
After a few moments, Charles started... chuckling a little? What the fuck was so amusing about this?
"Oh, I get it. This is like one of those Orpheus and Eurydice moments, yeah?"
It wasn't. They were both going to escape... right? He shook off that thought. He was actually surprised to hear Orpheus' and Eurydice's names leaving Charles's mouth. "I certainly hope not, that story ends tragically."
"Right. Never finished it." said Charles, still with a little amusement to his voice.
So, he thought he wasn't being serious. "Charles, I'm being quite serious, in the event that wasn't obvious!" he blurted out with a little edge to his voice, he did not mean to.
Charles looked at him. For a few moments he seemed to be just thinking. Edwin guessed he was trying to find the right words for whatever was on his mind. Edwin's eyes were still filled with tears. After another moment (what seemed like minutes for Edwin), Charles took a step down the stairs and placed his hands on Edwin's shoulders, still holding eye contact.
Oh, this was it. This was how more than thirty years of their friendship ended. He should've just kept it in, after all. But no... No. Charles really did deserve to be aware of his love for him.
"I want you, to listen to me." started Charles. A knot was growing in Edwin's throat. "You, Edwin Payne, are my best mate. That will never change. You are the most important person in the world to me. And I can't really say that like... that I'm in love with you back. But there's no one else, no one else that I would go to Hell for. And we've got- and we've got literally forever to figure out what the rest means... As long as we get out of here. Okay?" Finished Charles, giving him a reassuring smile, waiting for some type of response.
Edwin was unable to form words. So he just nodded with still wet eyes, trying to fight the tears, offering him a smile that he hoped was convincing. He knew it was unrequited love, but that didn't mean it hurt any less. At least he didn't ruin everything. He really appreciated Charles's words, and he believed everything he said. This was one of the reasons why he loved the boy so much. He had such a kind heart, if you got to know him. He felt so bad that he wanted more from Charles, when he had quite literally come down to Hell to get him out. But he couldn't control his heart-
They heard the demon shrieking underneath them, and Edwin snapped back into the horrors of reality. Right, they were still in Hell, he shouldn't have forgotten, but Charles had always had his effect on Edwin.
"Run!" Charles shouted as they had spotted the spider, made out of dolls. Edwin felt like he was about to start crying (again) or throwing up, or both, which would have been rather embarrassing now. They started running up to reach the door, as fast as they were able to, and eventually, they made it to Crystal's room, just in time.
Edwin couldn't believe he managed to escape Hell a second time. Of course, without Charles, he would've spent another few decades - if not forever - in there. He didn't even know how he'd earned Charles's protectiveness, but he was really grateful for it, grateful for him. Giving a lantern to that freezing, dying boy on that one night in 1989, was really the best decision of his afterlife. He couldn't imagine his life without Charles, and the barest thought made him tear up a little. Even if they stayed best friends for all eternity, he knew they would be happy.
A month passed since they were in Port Townsend. Edwin and him had been solving cases, as usual. After Niko's death (they missed her so much, especially Edwin), Crystal still decided it was best if she returned to his old life. Of course, when they needed her on a case, she was happy to help out, and they visited her every week.
But as for Charles, he was sad that she wasn't around as much. He missed her. There was a time when he thought he started to feel something more about her, but after they settled on just being friends, he realized he just missed being in a relationship with someone who was actually interested in him. And after everything, they became even better friends. Of course, it wasn't anything compared to his and Edwin's friendship, but he could talk with her about things, he couldn't with Edwin.
It wasn't like he was trying to hide things from his best mate. Or maybe he was, but he needed to talk about certain things with Crystal, and not Edwin, because... those certain things were about Edwin.
Ever since Hell, he couldn't stop thinking about Edwin's confession. About Edwin. Even though nothing had changed between them, Charles felt like his world turned upside-down. He still hadn't figured out if he was in love with the other boy, but he knew he had feelings for him. He caught himself staring at the Edwardian boy a little too many times, and he craved his touch even more than before. There were a few (or a lot of, maybe too many) times when he wanted to kiss the boy, but he shook off the thought every time. He even realized, he wanted to kiss Edwin for a long time, not just since he told Charles he was in love with him... So with time, he figured as much that he liked liked his best mate.
But he didn't really want to speak with Edwin about this, until he was completely sure about his feelings. So that's where Crsytal came into the picture. At first, he didn't know where to begin, without it being awkward, but after, he couldn't stop talking about Edwin to her. She didn't seem to mind though, and Charles really appreciated it.
-
As night came, Charles and Edwin were in the office. Edwin, as usual, was reading a book, and Charles was laying on the couch. He wasn't doing anything, he was just thinking. And maybe, admiring Edwin... It wasn't his fault though, the dim light in the office made Edwin's face even more handsome. He'd noticed that a while ago, and ever since then, he really liked watching him read at nights. It was peaceful.
It was at that moment, when he realized it was time they talked. "Hey, Edwin?" he said, unsure of what he was gonna say next. He was nervous.
"Hmm?" Edwin looked up at him. "Is everything alright Charles?"
"Yeah, I'm brills, thanks. I just... Can we talk?"
"Of course." Edwin put down the book he was reading, walked over to Charles, and looked at him as if asking for permission to sit. Charles nodded, and the other boy sit down next to him. "What is it you want to talk about?" Edwin seemed to become nervous, too.
"Well, I- I was thinking a lot about Hell, about what you said." Charles looked at the boy and he could see the embarrassment taking over his face. "Edwin, it's all right. You don't have to be embarrassed, or anything." Edwin nodded, but he could see he was still nervous. "What I'm trying to say is... I think I have feelings for you, too... but I don't know if I'm in love with you."
"Charles, I-" started Edwin, but couldn't finish.
"I don't know, because I've never been in love before. But I know that I can't stop thinking about you or looking at you... And I don't want to lose you, ever. I- I cannot bear the thought of seeing you hurt. Before Hell, I didn't realize that, I thought it was because you're my best mate, but now I know it’s not just that." he took a deep breath. Edwin's eyes were tearing up a little. "I didn't want tell you this... not just because I didn't figure it out until recently, but because I didn't want to hurt you." he felt tears forming in his own eyes. He didn't mean to get this emotional.
"Ch-Charles, you could never hurt me. That's nonsense." Edwin was almost whispering.
"But what if I do? What if I turn out just like my father? I- I could never live with the thought of-"
"Charles, stop that nonsense! You will never, ever be like your father. I'd meant it when I said you're the best person I know, because you are. You care so much about the people you love, and I know you'd never hurt us... I'm really sorry about what you'd gone through in your childhood... you didn't deserve any of it. But you have to know, just because you and your father are related by blood, and he was a bad person, that doesn't make you the same. You're the literal opposite of him. I- that's why I love you, Charles Rowland."
Charles was crying. He really needed to hear those words, especially from Edwin, the person he loved the most. If he doubted it before, now he was completely sure that he was in love with him. How could he not see it before? Edwin was the only person he'd ever needed, he'd known that since the day they met. So why couldn't he connect the knots? It wasn't his fault, he knew that now. It was his father that made him think he was unlovable, who didn't deserve love. But after he met Edwin, slowly, he started to realize that wasn't true. And in this moment, finally, he fully accepted that he also had the right to love. And that was all thanks to Edwin. He looked at the boy, and could see tears running down his cheeks. Charles pulled him in for a hug. "Thank you." he managed to say, but couldn't say anything else in the moment. They were holding onto each other like if they let go, they'd never see each other again. Charles was crying into Edwin's shoulders.
After a few minutes, they finally let go of each other. Their eyes were still filled with tears, but Charles managed to stop crying. They were looking at each other. "I think I know now." said Charles, quieter than he intended.
"Know what?" Edwin looked at him confused.
"That I love you. Like I'm in love with you, Edwin. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize, but I know now. It's just- my father made me think I was incapable of love, so I've been ignoring my feelings. But not anymore. You, Edwin Payne, are the only person I need in my life. You showed me what love is. I'm forever grateful for that..." a tear rolled down his cheek.
Edwin looked at him with tears in his eyes, yet with so much love. "You're the most loveable person in the world, Charles Rowland. Know that. God, I can't even describe how much I love you... But you must know by now..." he almost whispered those last words. "Honestly, I've told myself too many times that you'd never be in love with me, that this feels like a dream." he chuckled awkwardly.
"Edwin, mate, believe me, it's not." he said. Edwin shouldn't have felt like that. Charles knew it wasn't completely his fault, but it felt like that. His heart broke into even more pieces than it had been. "I'm sorry." his voice was shaking.
"Charles, it's not your fault, I did not mean to say it like that- I... What I mean to say is... I love you, Charles Rowland. That will never change... I will love you for all eternity, if that's okay with yo-"
"Is that even a question?' he chuckled. There were still tears in his eyes, that were trying to break free, but he fought them off. "Can I- can I kiss you? I've wanted to kiss you for a while, but I-"
"Yes." Edwin breathed.
So Charles leaned in and closed the distance between them. Their lips touched, and it was the best feeling Charles had felt in a long time (or ever). It was so much better than kissing Crsytal, because he could actually feel it. After some gentle kisses, Charles started to kiss him with more passion. He wanted to make sure it was okay to Edwin, so he pulled his head away. "Is this all right?" he asked softly. Edwin nodded, his lips were a bit red. Charles giggled, then closed the distance once again, and kissed the Edwardian boy. This time it wasn't as gentle, it was filled with hunger, with all their yearning that'd been building up for a long time.
That was how the next hour went, making out. When they separated, they just looked at each other. Both of their hairs were a mess, their lips a bit swollen. Charles felt drunk. In this moment, he felt like he was the happiest person in the world. "Have I mentioned how much I love you?"
Edwin pretended to be thinking "Hmm. I do not think so, no." he laughed.
Charles laughed too, and gently hit him in the shoulder. "Oi! Don't lie, mate!" he said while still laughing. A minute later, they calmed down. "I love you more than anything, Edwin Payne, in case you didn't know." he told Edwin, just to be sure.
Edwin smiled. "And I love you, Charles Rowland. Always have, always will."