Work Text:
Working for the Agency was different than Dazai expected.
He knew they were supposed to be the good guys, but no one can be that good, right?
They were kind, welcoming and understanding. They even seemed to care about their new member and tried to make him feel a part of the team by inviting him to go out eat with them or hang out off work. He found it incomprehensible.
There had only been one person in his life to whom all those adjectives could apply to and he was dead. So many people in the same place being as good a person as he had been was, to put it simply, impossible. There had to be another side to them, especially Fukuzawa.
No one could run a successful Organization without fear and punishment. Dazai knew that all too well, which meant he also knew The President had to be putting up a front and was just waiting for the right time to “perfect Dazai”, as Mori would say. He seemed kinder than his former boss so, perhaps, the punishments would be less brutal. None of his coworkers had ever showed up with visible injuries. Still, he didn’t dare to hope.
Hope’s a fool’s errand.
Dazai didn’t want to wait for the other shoe to drop so he decided to get ahead and test the ADA’s limits. Punishment would always come eventually, but by controlling his actions, he would know exactly which actions would lead to punishment and which action was associated with each type of punishment. He had to be ready for when the pain came, because if he was ready then it wouldn’t hurt as much or, at least, he’d know he deserved to be hurt.
At first, he just began to exclude himself from his coworkers, arrive later and leave earlier - much to Kunikida’s increasing frustration. The blonde man would scold him more often and more harshly than he ever had in the weeks they’d been working together. The burnet was sure it was only a matter of time before words became actions.
And yet two weeks had passed and Kunikida remained with just the verbal reprimands, no form of physical altercation took place. His other coworkers would often even laugh at the blonde’s irritation.
How peculiar.
Ranpo eyed him weirdly, Dazai wouldn’t be surprised if he had figured out what he was doing. Fukuzawa remained unbothered. The man seemed so calm and genuinely caring that Dazai actually wanted to trust him, but he had learnt that trusting someone would just leave him blindsided when they revealed their true colors. He’d called Dazai and Kunikida a couple times over to his office, but it had been only to go over details of a mission. He never even mentioned the ADA new member's poor performance.
Dazai then began to further delay handing over his reports. This was surely going to cause annoyances and catch the boss’ attention. Nothing’s worse than bureaucracy. And yet another fortnight went by and nothing happened. It was putting him on edge.
Maybe I should do it myself.
The whole point was to be in control and, the longer nothing happened, the more out of control he felt. It was as if he was at the mercy of ADA. He knew he wasn’t performing his job correctly and that he deserved to bear the consequences of it, so why weren’t they giving him what he deserved?
The anxiety of waiting for a punishment that wasn’t being delivered made a mess out of his already unhealthy sleeping schedule. The nights had turned into mornings and the mornings into nights. More than that, he’d begun to skip meals and needed new bandages more often. He didn’t even have to be deliberately late to work anymore, his body simply wasn’t able to wake up on time.
It puzzled Dazai.
He’d done a lot worse to himself before and came out the other end so he couldn’t understand why he was feeling so exhausted. Still, despite his body’s complaints, he persevered on the one thing he refused to do: fail missions.
The former Executive had decided to join the side of those who save lives so he couldn’t allow his own issues to be the cause of unnecessary pain on others. If he could save people, then he would. If lives went back to being nothing but expandable pawns in his game then he might just as well just go back to the PM.
And Dazai didn’t want that. Ever.
He was out, he was free, and freedom, he found out, is a curious little thing. Once you taste it, you can’t let it go. More than that, he liked his new job, it felt surprisingly good to be good, but even the good had to hand out discipline measures.
He just wanted to know what to expect. And how to avoid it, if possible.
That was a fair information to want to know, right?
Apparently not as it took over another three weeks - around two months overall - for the other shoe to finally drop.
In retrospect, Dazai should’ve seen it coming. He had had a successful mission with Kunikida the previous day, but much to his consternation, in the midst of his tiredness, he’d forgotten to properly bandage one of his arms and a part of the bandage fell off after a particularly intense chase for the suspect on foot.
In a panic, Dazai had tried to cover the litany of scars he hid under the white cloth with his coat sleeve. He felt naked with his arm uncovered. It certainly didn’t help that he was sure Kunikida had seen it given the horrified expression that remained etched on his partner’s face throughout the whole mission. From catching the suspect, to handing him over to the police to going back to the ADA, the horror never left his expression.
The blond man didn’t even tease him again that day. It was wrong.
Kunikida had said nothing out loud and Dazai assumed he had just been shocked by the sight, but would only care about not having to see it again. Much to his surprise, the man had sent him a message after work asking if he needed to talk. Dazai couldn’t be moved to answer and turned off his phone and made a mental note to talk to Kunikida about it the following day and assure him that such an incident wouldn’t be repeated.
He really should’ve dealt with it at the scene.
That night, he felt himself spiraling.
How could I have been so careless? So stupid? What if this costs me my job?
Idiot.
He truly wanted to do something he couldn’t come back from. But he couldn’t fail Odasaku, not so soon anyway.
He didn’t even have anyone he could call anymore. His finger hovered above the number of a certain redhead who would probably tell Dazai to go jump off a bridge and free the world of his existence. Long gone were the nights he’d have stayed by Dazai’s side until he was sure the brunet would live to see another day…
A sense of longing overtook him. He pushed it down. He had no right to long for something he destroyed himself.
In the end, he ended up spending his night in front of the grave of another redhead, the one whose death pushed him to keep living.
Dazai lost track of time as he watched the sky turn from a dark blue to shades of yellow and orange thinking of multiple ways of spinning the incident with Kunikida in his favor should it be necessary.
He ended up stumbling into the ADA nearly three hours late only to find Ranpo and Kunikida nowhere in sight. Fukuzawa was in his office and the infirmary lights were on, which probably meant Yosano was also there.
Only the President and a doctor…
A sense of dread formed on Dazai’s stomach. He hadn’t had a feeling akin to that ever since he had left the PM. It was all too familiar and almost comforting in a way.
Maybe he should’ve left. Instead, he calmly walked to his desk as if nothing was wrong and sat down, staring at the wall as he waited for the inevitable.
It was about five minutes before he heard footsteps coming from The President’s office.
“Dazai. You’re here.” Fukuzawa said from behind him, a hint of surprise, almost relief, in his tone. “Can I speak with you for a moment?”
“Of course, President.” Dazai stood up and walked stiffly towards Fukuzawa’s office. Once he was inside, the older man closed the door behind him. It made the brunet flinch slightly.
“Please, sit down.” Dazai obliged, sitting as straight as he could on the chair opposite to Fukuzawa’s, who had returned to his usual seat behind his desk. The younger man kept his eyes down, unsure if his new boss preferred obedience or feistiness. “Are you feeling alright?”
“I’m fine.” Dazai replied quickly, annoyed at the feigned concern. “May I ask what this is about?”
“It has come to my attention that yesterday an incident occurred on your mission with Kunikida.” Traitor. “I had already been planning on speaking with you, but after -”
“President, I can assure you no such thing will happen again. I’ll make sure to bandage better. It was not my intention to cause any ill harm nor any discomfort to Kunikida, but I will accept whatever punishments you deem fit. I just ask to remain at my position.”
Fukuzawa was quiet for a moment.
“Dazai, look at me.” The brunet looked up only to be met with an impossible sight. There was concern written all over Fukuzawa’s face. The President’s next words just made the situation even more surreal. “I promise you there will be no punishment. I truly just want to assure your well-being.”
“Liar.” He blurted out. “You even got everyone out…” The President’s eyes widened for a second before he quickly scowled his expression.
“Do you know why they aren’t here?” Fukuzawa asked calmly, looking him straight in the eye. Dazai shook his head. “They’re looking for you.” What? “Kunikida informed me this morning about what happened yesterday and that you hadn’t been answering your phone last night. When you were late I asked him to go check on you.”
This doesn’t make any sense.
“But I’m always late…”
“I still rathered to make sure you were safe. I’ve already informed Kunikida you’re here. He should be returning soon. Ranpo said you’d probably come to work so I stayed in case you showed up. I asked him to check other locations, much to his chagrin.”
“And Yosano?” Dazai asked carefully.
“I told her to stay so she could be easily found in case there was an emergency.” Oh. “Would you rather I ask her to leave?”
“No… Guess she could still be needed.” Fukuzawa frowned.
“Why would she be needed?”
“Because of my punishment.”
“I’ll say it again, there will be no punishment, certainly not in the way you are imagining.” The older man reiterated. “You’ve done nothing wrong.” He added softly.
“Nothing wrong?” Dazai questioned nearly hysterical. “I’ve been arriving late and leaving early, I barely work six hours a day, and I’ve been delaying reports. Yesterday I had improper behavior. I’m -”
“And yet you haven’t failed to solve a single case in the last few months.” Fukuzawa interrupted. Dazai inhaled sharply.
“I couldn’t fail them… Failing them meant failing -” He cut himself off. Why am I saying this? Why do I want to trust him?
Stop.
“You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to.” Stop. “It’s alright.”
“Stop!” Dazai shouted, standing up from the chair and banging one of his hands on the desk. “Stop pretending you care and just get it over with.”
Fukuzawa expressed no outward reaction to his outburst. Mori would be laughing that he got such a raise out of me…
“What exactly are you expecting me to do?”
“Make me a better employee.” A new emotion came upon The President’s features.
Pity.
I hate pity. I wish you’d just disciplined me.
“I’m not going to hurt you. And if my word is meaningless to you then I will do my best to prove so through my actions.”
“Why not? It’s what I deserve.” Dazai scoffed.
Just get it over with, please.
“It’s not. That’s not how we work here. I am sorry you were taught to feel this way and that I didn’t make you feel safe enough to trust that I wouldn’t do that to you, but I am not Mori, this is not the Mafia and mistakes are not meant to be punished with physical pain in any scenario.” Dazai was stunned shut by Fukuzawa’s response. “None of us here will allow you to go through this type of abuse again.”
Not that word. He hated that word. He was the one in control. He wasn’t a victim. Not him. Never him.
“It wasn’t abuse. I got what I deserved whenever I failed a mission or misbehaved. And no one did anything to me that I didn’t let them do. ”
“Did you want them to do it?”
“I was the one in control! I’m not a victim! I made victims, but I’m not one.” Dazai was well aware he must’ve been sounding nearly maniacal at that point.
“That’s not what I asked.” Fukuzawa countered. His tone even.
“I’m no saint, President.” Dazai lowered his voice. “Say what you want, but your idealism won’t change the fact that I am the Demon Prodigy. Whatever horror show you think I went through was nothing in comparison to the things I’ve done to others.”
“If I didn’t believe in redemption I wouldn’t have opened the ADA in the first place.” Dazai took a step back, unsure of where this was heading. His expertise was predicting how people would behave so why did he feel so helpless in understanding the words he was hearing? “You were a child. You adapted to the environment you were forced into. It does not excuse you of everything you’ve done, but it also does not make you unforgivable nor deserving of what was done to you.”
As appealing as those words were, they couldn’t be true. Because if they were then - then…
“I was in control.” Dazai repeated weakly, growing increasingly unsure of the truth behind his own words.
“Just like how you were in control when you began to starve and hurt yourself after I did nothing when you cut down work hours and didn’t hand over the reports on time.” Dazai swallowed dry. He thought he was being clever, but his new boss had read him like a book.
Too much and yet nothing like Mori.
“I’m sorry.” Was all he could say. He was going to get himself fired at this rate. He’d been caught trying to manipulate his coworkers in a place built on good actions. Why didn’t he consider this could’ve been the outcome of his indiscipline?
“It’s alright Dazai.” The new ADA member didn’t like the warm feeling he got out of hearing those words. “What you went through doesn’t just disappear and I never expected it to. I do need you to know that we are here to support you in whichever ways you need.”
“I’m fine. I wouldn’t even be as good in solving your cases if it hadn’t been for what I learnt at the Mafia. It - He made me a better Executive, stronger and more efficient. I am who I am because of what, in your words, ‘was done to me’.”
“Dazai, you are who you are today not because of the things that were done to you, but in spite of them. It is not easy to search for the light when all you’ve known is the dark.”
A tear scrolled down the former Executive’s eye. He didn’t know why.
“You're wrong. I’m not - I wouldn’t have left - I wouldn’t even have come here if, if he hadn’t - hadn’t died. If he hadn’t told me to be on the side that saves people.” He said so quietly and shakily he wasn’t even sure Fukuzawa had understood.
“I’m sorry for your loss. Whoever he was, he seemed like a good man.”
“Odasaku. His name was Odasaku.” Why am telling him this?
“I knew him. Met him when he was a kid.” When he was an assassin. “I was saddened to hear of his passing, but I am thankful to him that he helped you get here. Again, I am sorry for your loss.”
“You are sad a PM member is dead?” Dazai asked, bewildered at the thought that Fukuzawa was genuinely saddened by Odasaku’s passing. Apart from Dazai himself, only Ango seemed to have cared about Oda’s death. Everyone else had just carried on as if one of the very few people who had ever shown Dazai kindness hadn’t been so brutally taken away from this world before his time. “He took lives.”
“As did I.” Dazai widened his eyes. “Good and evil are not as clear a dichotomy as most people think. Most of us are just doing the best we can to survive in a world that can often be cruel and unforgiving.”
He thought of Chuuya. He was far too good a person for the cards he’d been dealt. Same for Oda. He wondered what their lives could’ve been in a different universe. Same for Akutagawa.
Maybe even for himself.
“Is it wrong to miss it?” He spoke before he even realized it.
“The PM?” He nodded slowly. “Dazai, that place was all you knew for most of your life, of course you have connections there that won’t go away just because you’re here.
“What if I miss - miss -” He felt ashamed to even finish that sentence, though the white haired man seemed to have understood what he was getting at.
“Do you miss him in the same way you miss Odasaku?”
“No, of course not! I want him to die a slow painful death.” At my hand. “He’s nothing like Oda.”
“Then, if I may, I believe it is not him you miss, but rather the familiarity of being under his command. He allowed you to feel in control of your life.” Dazai didn’t even have time to protest before Fukuzawa carried on. “And before you say anything, you were a child and, as clever as you are, so is Mori and he is older and knew how to keep you in check by allowing you to predict what was going to be done to you or asked of you.”
“I -” Dazai stuttered and shut his mouth, unsure of what he wanted to say, just needing Fukuzawa to stop. He didn’t enjoy people reading him so well.
“You were, and still are, in constant survival mode and that allowed you to suppress your emotions and rationalize the bad things you did or that happened to you. It’s not easy to stop being in survival mode even in a new environment such as the ADA. You don’t yet know enough to be able to predict what’s going to happen so you’re trying to test us and regain control and when that failed, you hurt yourself, because, in your mind, that meant being in control of your situation.”
“How can you know all that?”
“Because, despite the image that was painted of you, you’re still human.” Am I? “And humans are complex yet predictable in certain aspects. I’ve seen people with similar behavior patterns to yours before.”
“Does it get better?” Dazai inquired quietly. He felt like a curious child asking their parents the truth of a world they did not yet know.
“Yes. Of course. With time and support. It’s not a linear road. There will be better days and worse days. The first is allowing yourself to believe you’re safe here, which won’t be easy, because once you’re not trying to survive then the weight of everything that happened will finally dawn on you. And that’s when you will need to allow yourself to see the things you went through for what they really were.”
“I don’t want to go through that.” Dazai confessed, realizing that he was already struggling to justify certain things that went on at the PM during his time there, most notably in comparison to the way the ADA worked. There were strange feelings bubbling inside him. He didn’t like it. Numbness was, paradoxically, much more comforting.
“You won’t be alone. We are all here to support you and if you need external support that can also be provided.”
“I am not going to therapy!”
“I won’t force you to do anything you don’t feel ready to, but I still believe you should have someone to call and speak to, especially should things take a turn for the worse.”
“I had people like that. But one of them is dead and the other I made sure would hate me for the rest of their life.”
“If you had a bond strong enough with that person then there will always be a chance to rekindle the relationship.” If there was something Dazai couldn’t believe in was that Chuuya would ever forgive him. He’d left in the way he knew would most hurt the redhead so he wouldn’t come looking for him. Perhaps it was a way to protect Chuuya, perhaps it was just him being a coward and running away from the only thing that could’ve made him want to stay.
“I don’t think that will happen and I am not one to hold out hope for the impossible.” Fukuzawa tilted his head slightly, seemingly curious, but did not push.
“Well, I won’t meddle in your personal affairs, but if you care about them, don’t waste too much time. Time is way more fickle than we tend to think.” That’s exactly why I should stay away… isn’t it? “Think about it. Regardless, I still believe you should have someone to talk to, if needed. Rest assured, it wouldn’t be a burden to any of us, but we can discuss further details later. Right now, I want you to go do a quick check up with Yosano.”
“I’m fine.” Please, don’t. I hate doctors.
“Kunikida said you were bleeding. You also look pale and seem to have lost weight.” Fukuzawa seemed genuinely concerned. It almost hurt to be cared for. “Just let her check you over. You don’t have to remove the bandages if there’s no sign of bleeding or infection underneath it. It doesn’t even have to be at the ADA, you can go to your dorm or anywhere else you’d feel more comfortable. Does that work?”
“I guess so.” Dazai conceded. A gesture to show he would try to trust his coworkers. And, regardless, he was positive there was nothing Yosano would do to him that he couldn’t endure.
“Thank you. And after that, go have a proper meal. On me.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“When was the last time you ate?”
“Yesterday… afternoon maybe.” He said after reflecting for a second. It had been a while. He hadn’t even noticed. Fukuzawa sighed deeply.
“Dazai, you need to eat. There’s only so much your body can take. If you want to do well in our cases then you need to be healthy.”
“Alright.” Another concession, after he realized he didn’t really know how to counter Fukuzawa’s argument. He was struggling to find the energy to complete missions and often found himself sleeping more than he was used to, even if he wasn’t necessarily hungry.
“I know this isn’t easy for you, but thank you for trying.”
Dazai nodded weakly, not really understanding why he was being thanked and needing to leave that place quickly before his inner turmoil bled into the exterior.
“If that is all.”
“It is. Just keep in mind we care for you and we’re here if you need us, me included.”
The brunet nodded again and left the room, carrying with himself the weight of Fukuzawa words, which he knew he hadn’t yet allowed himself to process.
But he would try.
Just how he would try to not flinch when Yosano examined him.
How he would try to eat something.
And try to trust the ADA.
He hoped he succeeded.